There's a girl down the street who reminds me of someone I used to know. She’s barely a teenager and she’s already got the look.
The one that says "Pick me, pick me, please somebody pick me. Make me feel of worth. Make me feel like I’m something."
Make me feel like I matter.
Like I’m attractive. Beautiful. Worthy.
Make me feel like since you picked me I must be worth something. At least to somebody.
She's not the only one. She gets lost in the crowd there's so many of them.
She doesn’t know why she does what she does. She just knows it's what she's supposed to do. She puts herself out there like a showcase to be picked. Competing with all the others just like her, hoping it's her turn this time.
It's become a competition.
Please pick me so I can show them I really do have worth. That I really do matter. Let me show you how glad you’ll be that you picked me.
I’ll be anything you want me to be. I’ll do whatever you want me to do. I’ll turn into whatever it is you want me to, just PLEASE PICK ME!
We feel it early and we see it all around us. We’re so programmed without even realizing we are.
Nothing makes us feel special. No one makes us feel like we are loved and have worth just for being who we are. And so we look to the one place where we’ve been told over and over again since the day we came into the world, that we could find this feeling.
In a man.
Just like Prince Charming and Cinderella. Here’s this chamber maid who’s depicted as so unworthy by our harsh culture’s standards, who gets picked by a prince and suddenly, aha, she has worth!
Her life turns around. She’s seen. She’s noticed. She becomes something beautiful.
And it’s lost on all of us, every single one of us who were told this story as little girls and never once thought to question it. We bought into the fairytale hook, line and sinker.
What if she already had so much worth, but she just didn’t realize it? What if she had her whole life ahead of her with so much potential for herself - with or without a man?
You know where I’m going with this. You know who this is really about.
Because this is the message you came for, because you know what you need, even if you don’t know why.
I can tell you you’re beautiful in the true sense of beauty; that you’re special in the true sense of what it means to be special. You don’t need to prove to anyone that you have worth because you already do.
Just by being you!
But it’s never that easy to absorb those messages, to listen to these truths and actually believe them and internalize them like we do all the other messages we were sold.
Instead, we can’t believe that we don’t have to do something to prove our worth, and so we remain on the auction block begging to be picked by some guy who we’ve put so high up on a pedestal that he doesn’t deserve to be on.
Don’t stay here. Don’t accept this.
We have to become aware of this part of our programming before we can do something about it, but that doesn’t mean we have to stay here.
It’s ok. It’s a journey.
It was a series of steps that brought us here and it’s a series of steps that will bring us out. It doesn’t matter who we are or where we’ve been, or how "too late" we feel any solution is for us. We need more than an affirmation to get us out of here.
We need support.
There’s no shame in that! Because you know all too well that unsupported feeling that plagues you over and over again.
It’s the opposite of what you need to change this. Go find that support you’re entitled to for no reason except that you’re you. Let go of who and what isn’t working and let’s find the who and what who will!
Finding your way here is a start. Showing up, listening, just being open to something different is a start. And then take it one step at a time.
New territory. New messages. New ways of looking at yourself and your programming and seeing it for what it is.
Programming. Old belief systems. They’ve got nothing on you when you’re aware of them, Beautiful.
You’ve got this!
Do you have any programmed beliefs about love that might be holding you back? Share your story with all of us below in the comments so we can help!
Hi Jane! Why do you think it is that so many people find love so early and easily, while people like me seem destined to be on their own for the long haul. I don't believe the universe is malicious, but it often feels like the universe is not only dooming me to be alone for the long haul,but rubbing its point in by forcing me to watch everyone else around me happily paired up. It makes me wonder what's wrong with me that life thinks I deserve a life on my own while everyone around me finds matches so easily. Any thoughts? Maybe some other people on here can relate to this and learn from your input as well. Thanks!
I can certainly relate to this and even yelled at God saying "this is the one thing you just won't give me!" I have worked and worked on myself and am still alone.
I hear you, Sheila. More than you know. What if you stopped working and working on yourself? What if right now you were enough just as you are? As I said to Sky either here or on another comment thread, there's something around perfection that those of us who work and work and work on ourselves almost always seem to miss. See if anything resonates with you around this. For all our striving to be perfect, there's something so absolutely beautiful about just being - just being! - that comes shining through more than any perfect version of ourselves ever could. There's a reason we "can't" have the one thing we want so bad and it has nothing to do with what we think it does.
Jane, i always have problem with how i look, even though i don't look bad at all. My mother is a very beautiful woman, and people always made me feel bad about it since my childhood, even my own family (especially my father,it is funny because i look more like him). I think i had a belief that i have to look perfect in order to be loved. Most of my love interests said bad things about how i look, and implied that i don't look pretty enough. I understand that is not the problem when i date with people who think that i am gorgeous. That relationships didn't work too, so i understood that something else is going on.
Interesting part is, some of the less attractive (based on the beauty standarts of the media) women never have such problems. They always hear nice things from their partners and have great relationships. I wonder, is their confidence make them look beautiful to their partners or they are just with the nice guys who can see beautiful features of them? Why they don't hear mean things from guys like i did? I understand that confidence and knowing your worth make a great difference but i also know guys are so into looks, even the nice ones. I also don't wanna hear ''you are not very beautiful, i fell in love with your character'' again. I know that i won't get involved with that kind of person now, but it still hurts to remember and i don't wanna hear that again.
"Interesting part is, some of the less attractive (based on the beauty standards of the media) women never have such problems." I know, Gizem. It seems ironic, but it's not. When you've only been validated for how you look, it's hard to be anything but your look. Or to believe that your worth might be found anywhere else. I don't want you to ever hear that again, either. You deserve so much more!
"Instead, we can’t believe that we don’t have to do something to prove our worth". This line. It resonates so much with me. It's a lifetime of a struggle with me. It always sneaks up on me, this thing that says "well, of course you're alone. You just do everything wrong. No wonder nobody likes you. If you could just go along with the rest of the world and not care about racist remarks, or misogynistic views. You're too sensitive and you opening your mouth about these problems drives people away". That's the most recent narrative in my head lately. It's insidious and it just makes me feel so alone to notice that no one really shares my anger and sadness over so much injustice. It all goes back to me being the one who's wrong. I find it hard to reframe.
I wish I could just stop wanting to find a safe partner who shares my values and who loves me. Really. Sometimes I wish I could just not want that so much. I prefer the days when I'm ambivalent or not really feeling like I want to be with that someone. But those days come and go. Lately I feel like I would like to find him... If there is really such a him.
Ugh. My head is going so many places.
On a slightly different note, I tried to see myself as a teenager in the description of your post today. I saw glimpses of me, especially with the part of "I'll be anything you need me to be". But when it came to the look... It didn't resonate. I remembered how my looks always felt like an obstacle because I was deemed ugly by most people growing up, even my own family. I always felt like every single one of my girlfriends was pretty and since I wasn't, there was no way I could even compete. Funny how those guys I was interested in back in the day had some weird fixation with me even though they disliked me and preferred other girls. They were always mean to me and unbelievably nicer to the pretty girls... And yet, they couldn't help but be around me somehow. It's like they got some odd joy out of treating me badly and still using me whenever they felt like I was useful. When they needed a "friend" to talk about problems they had, to cry, when they needed a favor. But that was it. They never cared. I remember my childhood and teenage years as the worst time of my life. I had "friends" back then, but now I'm mostly alone. I feel lonely many times, but I still feel like my life is better now. It's odd. But still wanting to find someone... And I hate it ?
You're not the one who's wrong, Angel. Reading your words reminds me of just how hard it is for us to see ourselves in a true light. Most of us can't until we find someone who can. And then we do. Sometimes it's an old woman, or a child, or someone else we never thought would be the one to show us the way. I think when we've only ever had external validation and invalidation, and were never shown how to have this come from within, we have to find it outside of ourselves first. I know that's me. But I also know outside can mean animals, and trees, and any kind of nature that reminds us of where we've come from and how far it is we've come! So embrace that part of you, too. The one that still wants to find someone. Of course you do. Can you say that? Of course I do. I'm human. I have a feeling the more human you allow yourself to be, the easier that will be.
Wow! In a few paragraphs you nailed
the upset and delusion that so many face! Thank you for shining a light on this pervasive and faulty notion.
Again you bring insight and beautiful compassion to us and I so appreciate you, Jane.
Thank you, Diane, that means so much to be able to put into words what resonates so much with you. This programming is so easy to miss, it's so important we see it so we break the cycle of what we do to ourselves - and to our quest for love that we make so elusive by hanging onto these cultural misconceptions. I so appreciate you!