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Is It Settling to Date A Guy When There's No Chemistry?

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Young couple on a date talking in coffee shop
Should I keep dating him if I'm not feeling the chemistry?

The letter this week comes from beautiful Leah. She's wondering just how much time to give a guy when she's not feeling the chemistry, and she doesn't want to settle.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane,

I bought your program "Why men pull away" and I found it very helpful, especially the "Why Him?" section, as I was really struggling to understand how he could just disappear after all the special moments we shared and all the things he said.

I couldn’t shake the thought that he didn’t see me as "special enough" but your words make a lot of sense and help me accept the idea that he did see me as special, it’s just he wasn’t ready for it and it scared him.

I also really liked your analogy on the "mirror": how what we miss the most from him is that part of us that we weren’t able to find until we discover it mirrored back to us in someone else.

It just confirms what I already knew: that I need to work on my self-love and self-esteem so that I stop doubting that I am special.

The only bit I am struggling with is the part about giving guys we would never usually give a chance, a chance… It just sounds a bit like settling for a nice guy with whom you have a lot less chemistry, just because he is ready to commit and won’t hurt you.

I am all for giving nice guys a chance, my four longest relationship were with guys I initially didn’t feel attracted to, but that grew on me because we had great chemistry and I enjoyed spending time with them.

The first two had no commitment problems, the other two did.

I am now going through the painful process of dating again and the guy I had two dates with so far seems like a really nice guy, but the conversation is stalling and I’m just wondering if this is all there is to hope for: a nice guy with whom I can have "ok" conversations with.Continue Reading

The Truth About Just How Ready You Have to Be

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Love your self paper bubbles with clip hanging on the line against purple background.
Yes, love yourself - but what does that really look like?

We all know the importance of self-love. We’ve heard it so many times, we’ve got it memorized.

You have to love yourself first because someone else can love you.

But what does that really mean?

Does it mean we have to be alone until we get this right? That there’s no hope for us to attract that special someone in our life until we’ve reached a certain level of self-love and emotional, relational health?

That’s just about enough to cause us to give up completely.

Why bother when it seems like we’ll never get there? Why try when everyone else must already be there since they’re meeting him and we’re still so far behind? And while we’re at it, why hope at all when we just keep meeting the same type of men over and over and over again?

Except that this isn’t the whole story.Continue Reading

I'm Afraid He'll Keep Making Excuses and Never Commit

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Couple not talking after a fight on the sofa in living room at home
I'm afraid he'll keep making excuses and won't ever commit!

One of our gorgeous new readers, Beverley, tells us her story about her long term boyfriend first wanting to move in together, but then changing his mind and pulling away. She's wondering if he'll ever commit.

Her Question:

Hi Jane,

I have stumbled across your page by chance but is extremely relevant to where I'm at in my relationship at the moment.

I just read "3 Biggest Warning Signs He'll NEVER Commit" and I'm worried. I have been with my boyfriend for coming up on 3 years now.  I am 27 and he is 25. I am a little confused as to where to start with my concerns as there are a number of mitigating factors in what has gotten us to where we are (that being nowhere).Continue Reading

There's A Reason For The Pain

22 Comments

Image of a broken heart as s art grunge glass heart shattering.
There's a reason it hurts as bad as it does.

There’s something I have to say. You need to know this. Now.

Because when you’re in it, you’re not going to see this part. You can’t when your heart is breaking.

When you’re hurting, when you’re grasping at anything and everything to try and keep him from pulling even further away, this part will be the hardest to hear.

There IS a reason.

There’s a reason it hurts. There’s a reason for the pain.Continue Reading

Should I Reach Out To Him?

17 Comments

Woman text messaging on her phone
He hasn't called - should I reach out to him?

Today on the blog, I’m featuring a letter that could have been written by so many of you. It’s such a familiar story that just about all of us can relate to.

When we meet someone and exchange numbers and yet we don’t hear from him, we all ask ourselves the same question: Should I reach out to him?

Add on as many more words as you want, go into as many specifics as we all do, but at the end of the day, it’s always the same question: What do I do?

In this case, the letter came from one of our lovely readers, Sophie.

Here's what she wrote:

I met a guy a few weeks ago, we exchanged numbers.

The same day we talked for a few hours outside in the car. After that night I never heard from him.Continue Reading

Should You Be Dating Multiple Men at the Same Time?

13 Comments

Pretty woman standing and juggling with red balls representing dating multiple men at one time.
Afraid to juggle more than one guy at a time? Here’s why you should be afraid NOT to!

With every new relationship, we learn. Every time our hearts break, we learn.

I’ll never do that again, we say. I’ll make sure to do this instead. Sound familiar?

I used to think there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t NOT jump in with both feet whenever that intense chemistry kicked in. I used to wonder why I couldn’t be like other women who managed to keep their objectivity and take their time getting to know a new guy without putting all their eggs in one basket.

Because unlike them, I spent way, way too much of my time and energy waiting for him to call, to make plans with me for the weekend.  It was such an anxiety-provoking way to live waiting on him like this, and yet doing anything else - making plans with someone else -seemed like I would be showing him I wasn’t all that interested and he would lose interest in me.

Turns out, the opposite is true. This is now one of the things I would do so differently.Continue Reading

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