It’s that time of year again. For those of us in the happiest of relationships, with families and friends and all kinds of places to go and things to do, we get why the song says “it’s the most wonderful time of the year.”
But there was a time not too long ago when this wasn’t at all how it felt for me.
When all my friends who had those things – those people, those relationships, that special romance – in their lives, seemed such a contrast to what I had.
While I may have had the most beautiful hopes and dreams, what I didn’t have was anything real.
Someone real. Someone to share the holidays with. Someone to experience the holidays with. Someone to make it the most wonderful time of the year for me.
As the calendar moved closer and closer to that big season between Thanksgiving and New Year’s, I would try that much harder to find that special someone to go through all the special events of the holiday season with.
But, as usual, trying harder didn’t make it any easier.
In fact, for all my trying, I often ended up with someone who wasn’t holiday material, let alone boyfriend material.
Or I found that in my nostalgia that often comes with the season, I conjured up an image of someone enough to reach out and then find he was nothing like I had remembered him to be.
You see, there are two things going on here.
First, it’s the pressure. Then, it’s our very own feelings of loneliness.
Both are very real so I’m not going to try to deny or pretend that they’re not. There is no meme to make you feel better when you feel this way. Loneliness is awful. Case closed.
But there is hope.
So here, Beautiful, is your holiday plan of hope. So you can enjoy dating during the holidays, so that you can feel the most wonderful time of the year for yourself, even just a little bit, instead of just getting through.
Wherever you are right now, whatever kind of relationship (or non-relationship) you find yourself in, here are a few tips I’ll share with you to help you get through this tricky dating season in the most elegant way possible.
1. Relax
First of all, relax. Yes, Beautiful, I’m talking to you.
I know (oh how I know!) just how hard it is to relax when you feel like you’re running out of time, like you’ve been through this too many times to have to go through this again, when you’ve got your biological or other clock ticking, when you’re so sick and tired of hearing “the positive side of being single” from yet another person, and when you’re all but ready to crawl under the covers and not come out until after New Year’s Day.
Yes, it’s especially you I’m talking to!
2. Have some fun
This – THIS! – is the part we get so confused about. We go through the motions of going out, hoping it will be different, but then become so discouraged when we get there and there’s no one there for us. Or the guy we were set up with doesn’t do it for us.
It’s these expectations around our social outings that make it so difficult to just go out and have some fun!
3. Don’t glamorize the lives of everyone except your own
Yes, a lot of people in relationships appear to have everything you want – but the truth is a lot of them don’t.
There are a lot of people going through the motions, pretending to be happy for appearances sake – especially around the holidays. Yet we automatically assume they have everything we don’t by the fact that they’re not alone.
This is where a dose of reality really helps, especially at those holiday parties where it seems like you’re the only single person there.
Don’t go there!
It’s so much lonelier in a relationship where you’re lonely because you’re miserable than out of one when you’re simply alone. Understand that difference. It’s a big one!
4. Remember that lots of people feel lonely during the holidays
Just remembering this one can have such an effect on our mindsets. I remember growing up how my mom would cry every time the song “I’ll be home for Christmas” was played. She had her family – me, my dad and my sister at least – but because the rest of her family was 3000 miles away, no matter how much we tried, she still felt lonely.
And I hear this from so many people, single and married.
The holidays are just that nostalgic time when a lot of memories come up for us – and a lot of longings for things to be different. If you can remind yourself of this, you can see this time not so much as two sides – the singles and the togethers – but a whole bunch of people who can connect on a theme of loneliness in one way or another.
See? You’re not so alone after all.
5. Surround yourself with people who you can give back to
When I was single, one of my favorite things to do to deal with my own feelings around dating and the holidays was to volunteer to staff the Crisis Center hotlines on Christmas and New Year’s. It's unfortunately one of their busiest times of the year (see number 4).
Not only did I get to be there for others who were even lonelier than I was, but I also found that the rest of the volunteers during those times were almost always single like me – and had other things in common like the very fact of why we were there in the first place!
Find your place to give back, to feel good about contributing some of that beautiful, passionate heart of yours to, and you’ll find others in those places who share that heart, too.
You can do this, Beautiful.
Don’t just “get through”! Look for the little miracles that are happening every day all around you. Look for what unites you with the people you long after, wishing you had their lives. Look at what you can do this holiday season to move those mountains, get in on the magic that’s for everyone, not just a chosen few.
And feel your way to the heart of the season.
It doesn’t matter what anyone else says about being single or lonely or dating or being alone, this is the season for love, however you make it. Find it in the unwanted animal from your shelter that brings you to tears. Find it in the foster children who’ve never known a loving home. Find it in the defenseless elephants or giraffes who’ve never had a say in their fate.
Find it in your tears.
I know of no other place where the truth of who we are shines so brightly for us - and for the ones who belong with us – to see.
How about you? What are your plans for doing more this season than just “getting through”? I want to hear from you! Share your story with us below in the comments.
Wherever you’ve been, whatever you’ve been through that’s brought you here, I’m holding you in my thoughts. Together, we’re going to feel the love that’s out there for you this holiday season. You're never alone!
I've decided not to date anymore either. After being threatened, abused, assaulted, raped, having an attempted sexual assault and being physically violated I don't see how I ever could put myself in that kind of situation by choice again. And I pray that I am not attacked. Although I know what the stats are if you've been victimized before, they are exponentially higher that you will be again. It seems so cruel that empaths are a target for narcissists. The very people whose sensitive souls are least equipped to handle such abuse! The state of dating and male-female relations in this world is terrifying. This is rape culture. How does one cope? I've been white knuckling through my life for so long. Facing a lifetime alone, with chronic illness(brought on by so many years of abuse no doubt) it is so difficult. I just hope it's over and I am out of this cruel world very soon.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through, Jen! This isn't how it's ever meant to be. Look for people who are completely opposite of the one's you've encountered thus far to find some safe people for you. There're out there, but let them prove themselves to you over time, with actions that show you kindness and character - consistently, over real time. You're not your past. Today is always given to us as a fresh slate, a new day!
Hi Jane,
I am single and have been for many years now, after being divorced from a over 20 yr. marriage. Although the bad days -- and nights have made me feel very alone, I have still somehow managed to get through it all.
I honestly believe it's my faith and hope that have always gotten me through.
For me, I remember being a young girl and feeling alone, and I remember being married and feeling alone. So not much has really changed for me -- in my eyes.
I understand the "lonely hearts" club, as I like to say. Valentine's Day is now Single Awareness Day....not really funny but I heard that once and use it to laugh instead of cry.
Volunteering was always the happiest job I ever had. One year, I found pure joy in being a platelet donor. I use to donate blood from time to time, but when I was asked to be a platelet donor I was honored to help. Among other volunteer jobs, this was by far the most internal feeling I experienced. Knowing I helped in such a profound way touched my heart in all the right places. I knew I could never do anything, or at least I haven't found anything yet up to this day, that could compare to that. It is such a great feeling to help.
I am not looking anymore for "that certain someone." I want him to be with me...whoever he is, but in the meantime -- I fill my heart with helping others as much as I can. I am a busy person so sometimes it's difficult to do ALL the things I want to do and to help ALL the people I want to help. I just do what I can and am always thinking about what I can do next.
I am fortunate to have the people in my life that I do, and I am thankful for what I have been blessed to have thus far in my life. At this point in my life -- I do want to continue to give back. It's my way of Thanking God for all he has blessed me with.
Happy Holidays to All!! Godspeed. Love, Lora
Love hearing about your volunteering experience, Lora. Thank you so much for sharing. It sounds like you've found the secret to your own happiness - something that will look different for each of us but always starts from within. So glad to have you here as such an inspirational part of this community!
I think dating any time of the year is difficult regardless of holidys. Just knowing that people around you whether it be your friends or peers who are engaged or simply have a signficant other makes you feel like you're missing out or outcasted. That feeling comes from comparing yourself to other people that make you feel small. I think it's time for us to just handle the reality that being single isn't easy but rather to enjoy life no matter what happens. we need to find happiness within ourselves and make it a priority.
I couldn't agree more, Diane. Comparing ourselves is the absolute worst thing we can to do ourselves. And even when we're with someone, it is still oh so important to find happiness from within!
I love Christmas and seeing my family. especially the moment of spending time with them. in the past, I've always celebrated Xmas on Xmas eve & Xmas day. l try to allow myself time to talk to my relatives in the UK and the Netherlands whether it's skype or Whatsapp.
the best thing about Xmas is the gifts, family and food. i'm thinking of spending time with a few close friends and maybe 1 guy friend who's just a friend. i get 2 week break but then after 2 weeks i get few weeks but have Tue & Fri off.
this year my dad's nieces and my uncle are visiting me in Aus as they are going to be there from this friday - 2 Jan so it will be lovely to spend time with them. my break will probably a little late. my aunt would say "everyone deserves a break"
i'm looking forward to Xmas each year and my family are rich n i feel happy being single n spend time with my family.
Sounds like you have a wonderful family, Courtney. Enjoy your time with them!
I had foot surgery Nov 18th. Have to be immobil till sometime in Jan at best. I have 3 grown kids , none have come or called and live in same area! I think I've done for these kid too much. Also a man I've gone w/for almost 10 yrs has come once in a month. He told me I was one of his "best friends". 10 years of my life and that's all he can say??
i'm doing some things terribly wrong! HELP!
Oh Carolyn, I'm so sorry! No more once a month kind of men! You've got to put those ones on notice so that the real ones can show up!
Thank you, Jane for thinking of us.
I have already decided how to deal with holidays. To be honest, I haven't liked Christmas since I turned 12... That's when the presents stopped coming haha. I always associated Christmas time with chaos back home and I hated it. It made me nervous, anxious, and just miserable, not only because I was single, but because in my home town there is too much going on, too many people to see and just too much risk of getting mugged, etc. Now that I'm in Europe, I don't hate it as much, but here I am all alone. No family and no real friends right here. Two Christmases ago it was God awful, but last year it was ok and I hope that this year is just as peaceful. My rule: no dating, much less in the holiday season. If I get invited somewhere, then it's all about being out. That's it. Just being out of the house. No expectations whatsoever. Christmas day: date with myself. I'll wear something pretty, cook something new and have dinner with myself, listening to my favorite upbeat music and maybe watching a fun movie. I'll be going to my best friend's house for New Year's eve, so I guess we'll go out but the goal will be the same: being out and letting her be happy. She loves clubbing. Me? Not so much, but that's my gift to her. I think it will be fine and if crying comes, well... I'll let it be. It'll be over soon.
I have also decided not to date from here on out. We can say that is a new year's resolution. I will just think of doing things I need to do for myself and going to places just to be out. Meeting people will be done as actually trying to get to know interesting facts about them, whether male or female, and moving on if the case may be, but no such thing as American dating. I have come to the realization that that is just not for anxious, uber sensitive people like me.
I totally hear you, Angel. And I get exactly what you've said here, especially your last couple of sentences.
I'm holding out for this one, Angel - "That's it. Just being out of the house." Oh the places you will go!