This week our letter comes all the way from Sweden! Our beautiful friend, Micka, has been chasing emotionally unavailable men most of her life, and she's now realizing that she wants to stop going down that path. The problem is that the "nice" guys are not attractive to her.
Here's what she wrote:
Hello Jane. My name is Micka and I am a woman living in Sweden.
I am 56 years of age, probably far older than most of your readers. For the last 17 years, I have been single since divorcing a man after 10 years. I've had some romantic encounters but I do have the same problem as many other women here, I keep falling for emotionally unavailable men.
I know all the reasons why I am drawn to these men and why these complicated relationships makes me rise to the occasion, always ending up in pain and tears. I do believe I had my last relationship of that kind some months ago - last, because it almost killed me and I have sworn to not go there again.
I do believe in myself this time, I won't let that happen again.
But a huge problem remains: I am not attracted to the good men. They are rare, especially in my age, but I have come across one or two during these 17 years. And I feel nothing except that it is nice and comfortable and totally does nothing for me.
There is no attraction or sexual energy within me for the kind and caring men, so I refrain from letting them come close, since all I feel is repulsion at the thought of anything going further than a hug.
But show me a rascal, a player and an emotional unavailable man and I am all systems go in an instant!!
I actually told a friend not long ago that I'd rather take the pain than the comfortable, although that is not true anymore. But it does say something about how my mind works. I am well aware the problem lies within me and most likely is related to me being emotionally distant and also a dopamine junkie myself - but what do I do about it???
I really can't force myself to be with a man who is kind and caring but whom I find unattractive to me, even though he clearly isn't. Or can and should I?
The reason I am writing this is because there was such a man not long ago - I met him by accident the first night I went out with some friends and he was both a gentleman and very kind and caring.
I felt so secure and comfortable around him, but it was far too soon after my hellish relationship blow up and I wasn't ready at all. I told him so after we had met a couple of times and he backed off.
Just the other week I ran into him again and he was again the kind and caring person and helped me out with an urgent matter regarding a sick relative (he is a doctor, you see). He has called me since to hear if all went well but I was busy when he called and he has been busy when I called him back, so we haven't connected yet.
But every now and then I find myself thinking of how completely relaxed and safe I felt when he held his arm around me and I am wondering if perhaps, I might finally be ready to give it a try?
I am not sure if he even wants to, we have only spoken about the matter concerning my relative but I am not afraid to bring it up, once I get hold of him. That is not the problem.
The problem is that I don't trust myself and I don't want to hurt him. A friend said to me that I am not responsible for his feelings, should he want to give it a try and of course that is true, only I don't feel that way.
I am 56 years, I am extremely independent, I work hard and have a good life but I miss love and I miss sex (sorry, I'm Swedish and we're a bit more outspoken regarding such matters) and I am surely not getting any younger.
What do you think?
Love, Micka
My Response:
What an honor it is to meet you all the way around the world. Micka from Sweden! This is what I love about what I do – connecting with women just like you. No matter where you call home, we share the same heart!
I’m so glad you found your way here.
I do have something for you. Something called tiny, baby steps. You’ve got a lot of entrenchment in the rascal, the player, the unavailable man. Oh you’ve found kindred spirits here! Most of us can identify with that feeling that turns our lights on and shifts us into this all-systems go mode you speak about here.
We relate!
And it's exactly why I created my very popular program "Why Men Pull Away: Breaking the Cycle of Dating Emotionally Unavailable Men Who Won't Commit".
But there’s something else I’m hearing here. The completely relaxed and safe part.
You’re realizing this just might matter, too! I’m not going to tell you to go for someone where you don’t feel an attraction. I’m not going to lie to you that you can fake it 'til you make it or anything else along those lines.
I’m just going to ask you to sit with that feeling of completely relaxed and safe for just a little longer next time. I’m just going to ask you to hold still when every part of you wants to run. And I’m going to ask you to do the same when that "all systems go" feeling kicks in and you can’t get close enough fast enough.
See, Micka, to push through, you’ve got to hold still for just a little longer than you think you can.
A little longer than you’ve tried in the past. This isn’t about making yourself be with someone who you’re not attracted to. This is about allowing yourself to push through the uncomfortableness of feeling like you just might find what you’ve been looking for, maybe even unbeknownst to you.
You deserve to find out. I want you to find out. For you.
Because this path you’re on isn’t going to get you any closer to the love you want, even if you’re not sure if it’s really what you want.
When you’ve only been with a man who brings this side out in you by being that rascal, that player, that emotionally unavailable man we’ve all known and loved, there just might be something more underneath.
Can you risk finding out?
Don’t run. Whether you’re resisting the urge to run away or run closer, don’t run at all. Stand right where you are instead. Look around you. It’s fear, Micka. You want to be safe. You want to be held.
You want to be loved. For you. But it’s terrifying to prove yourself wrong, and it’s even more terrifying to prove yourself right.
We don’t change this overnight. But what we can do right now is stop running in or out and simply learn to sit.
To watch. To feel. To listen.
You know your reasons. You know why. This is about taking a chance on you. On him. On love. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon. The difference is what keeps you from getting hurt. And it’s what keeps him from getting hurt.
It’s not the mountain. It’s the pebble. We change this one pebble at a time. Not one mountain at a time. That’s the only way any of us do this. And only when we’re ready to find out.
I hope this helps!
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you think our beautiful friend, Micka should give this man another try? Share your thoughts with us below in the comments!
I believe that you deserve better Jane .My name is Glenda and I am 63 and fell madly in love with a wonderful man but he was not honest with me about a him having a son .But he was conned while he was in a depression and he was denying his true feelings.He lashed out at me saying that he didn't, really love me .
Jane, and all you other great ladies here!
First, thank you Jane for your wise and thoughtful reply. I've read it a few times now and will read it again, there is food for thought within your words, as usual.
Yes, I found my way here when I was looking for a lifeline when I broke free from the hurtful relationship I mentioned in my former letter. And I found your good heart and warm words very helpful, a bit of a lifesaver really.
And also thank you to all of you who left your thoughts and comments here, also wise words and although I wish there were no unwillingly single persons at all, it is somewhat comforting to know that you're not the only one struggling with the same challenges, strengths and weaknesses. And of course, coming here to this friendly atmosphere is heartwarming in itself. Thank you Jane for creating this space, connecting people across borders through mutual wishes, hopes and desires.
Love,
Micka
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Micka. Thank you for your kind words. There is such a comfort in knowing we aren't alone in what we go through. In fact, I think it's in hearing each other's stories that most of us first start making sense of what never made sense before. So glad you found your way here! 🙂
I'm 54 and also could've written this letter. I agree with Laine however. Just because a man is wonderful and kind and you feel safe with him doesn't mean he's the one you should be with, especially if he irritates you. I too have felt that same irritation so many, many times. A lot of it comes from being irritated that this guy likes me and the guy I like doesn't. And a lot of it is the irritation that comes from a man wanting to be with me physically when I feel no physical attraction whatsoever. As long as I spend time with such a man it's an underlying issue and there's really no way, at least for me personally, to resolve it. I basically just want to be friends with him, and he basically wants to have sex. The more he hints or pushes the more I shut down and want to kick him to the curb. I can't have sex with anyone unless I'm very attracted to him, and the attraction isn't there unless I'm about to fall or already in love. Tired of it.
I know that my early experiences and brain wiring are to blame for my inability to attract and be attracted to a healthy relationship, but it's something I have to accept. It's an emotional handicap. But I'd rather be alone, doing the things I enjoy, than be with someone I'm not attracted to - waiting weeks, months, years - hoping to eventually be attracted when all I am is irritated and getting more and more so until I eventually just end it.
Oh Anne your comment made me laugh and cheer! This is what I was saying to myself before I got myself hooked in (again). I do feel some affection and enjoy some physical pleasure with my guy but only as a casual thing. I guess this is all about unpicking the threads and having a good honest conversation with myself. I curl up at the thought of hurting him. And I feel deeply sad too, and that makes me doubt myself. Thanks for your comment.
Thank you, Sally. I truly related to your story and laughed out loud when you talked about being irritated when he whistles his words with S's! So me. I'm turned off so easily. Unless it was the man I had fallen in love with. If he had done that I probably would've thought it was endearing.
I don't think there's a thing wrong with you hanging out with this guy and enjoying what you can with him. You don't have to go beyond casual unless you feel the feelings. He's a big boy and as long as you are honest with him he can take care of his own feelings. I hear you when you say you are deeply sad. I am too. I was so in love and when I went out with someone else after we ended the sadness was just more intense because the guy was not the one my heart wanted. I'm better now but still have no interest in anyone else.
I wish you the best.
Anne thank you 😀
I wish you all the best too!
Jane,
I absolutely adore you! You are such an expert at what do on here. This letter was especially moving for various reasons. Your response was graceful and flawless.
Thank you for being exactly who you are. Thank you for lighting the path. You help more people than you know!
Love,
Melissa
oh You're so sweet, Melissa. It's such an honor to be here like this and it's words like yours that inspire me more than you know. Thank you!! 🙂
I could have written this, I'm 57 and in much the same situation. I've been with the same guy for six months (known him for over a year) but I don't fancy him even though he's great in bed, I don't miss him when we don't see each other (in fact I'm often relieved) and I feel irritated around him. But show me a bad boy and my tigress emerges, forgetting all the pain and heartache from all the previous bad boys. Not bad, as in a villain - but different, unconventional and exciting. I don't believe I can find anyone like that who won't break my heart. I feel anxious and guilty about this guy I'm with - he's been steadfast and kind, supportive. I can completely be myself and he thinks it's great. He's smart and emotional too, though sometimes a bit to learn regarding communication. The thing is, I feel irritated by his voice (he whistles his S ) and I'm put off by his being overweight and looking/acting older than me (I'm a young 57, he's a mature 58!) and yet I know these are superficial things. I tend to overthink things and don't know if I'm trying to make myself love him (which I do, as a friend) or whether I'm genuinely on the right track as regards relationships but with the wrong guy. I'm happy going out on dates or for a day out or even a holiday but I feel overwhelmed when he wants me to meet the family and get involved, and he's also understanding when I tell him I can't do that too much as I have my own family and am also enjoying living on my own for the first time in over 30 years. I like Jane's advice here to take small steps. I feel if I end it I'll be creating unnecessary drama. I also want to understand what's going on inside me. Sometimes I feel 'smothered and controlled' by this guy but I was abused as a child and I have to consider that might be colouring my reactions - or might be a salient warning! Good luck to all of you in your journeys and thanks to Jane for sharing from her experience and support.
Glad this resonated with you, Sally. We may need to take it even slower when we've been through so much,but it's still those smallest steps and checking in with yourself about what the anxiety and guilt is about that keeps you pushing through. I believe there's always something there when we feel it, but what that is - and what it requires us to do - is different for every one of us. Listen to the most inaudible voice you hear and start there. We always know more than we think we do, and we always give ourselves so much less credit than we deserve. Don't ever be afraid or pressured to go as slow as you need to until you know!
Thank you, Jane. I like 'listen to the most inaudible voice you hear and start there'. There's a fleeting clarity as I do that, feels like the part of me that's most authentic. Thank you again. Sally X
I've been feeling lost, actually, not sure why, but this has really helped.
Oh I'm so glad this resonated with you, Sally. I've found this to help in so many different ways time and time again. Always here for you. 🙂
Why are you with a guy you feel irritated with? You deserve so much more. Please dont settle for this, it does not sound like a healthy relationship to me. You need to be attracted to a man. You are giving two extremes as examples-wildly attracted to wild boys, or none at all to a man you dont have respect for. There is a middle ground. Look for that !
I'm not sure, to be honest. I have a pattern of trying relationships where I think I should stay in love (usually there's an initial flutter but it evaporates very quickly) because in the past i binned off the guy as soon as I lost the feeling. But as I got older, and especially after a painful relationship, I started to feel a huge loss when I did this. I do care about this guy I'm with and he would go to the ends of the earth for me but he lacks a certain worldliness and sharp wit that turns me on. It's easier for me to stay than go, is probably why. And I feel ashamed saying that. I've never seen myself as married and I can be a happy singleton as I enjoy a full life with interesting things to do and good friends. It's a voyage of discovery for me, in relationships. Thanks for replying.
I also wrote to Jane about this very problem; how to progress in relationships that at first can feel very platonic because nice guys are so 'available', you don't have to perform to be pursued. It's very different from what Jane referred to in her reply to me as 'impassioned longings' of our unmet childhood needs that can fuel unhealthy relationships with emotionally unavailable men! It can at first feel boring. But what I found is that it progresses to something so much better than I've ever experienced before. I pushed through the awkward stage, even though I fought the urge to pull the pin everyday. Boring can actually mean safe and platonic can actually mean genuine friendship that will blossom to true love. It's like getting off a crazy roller coaster of highs and lows and instead continually cruising down a beautiful river. Give it...give him a chance. He's different and that's your clue:)
LOVE this, Rebecca - "He's different and that's your clue". Can't thank you enough for sharing! 🙂