It was our anniversary last week. We’ve been married 14 years now.
When I posted a picture of my wedding day to Facebook, I was so grateful for the wonderful responses I got from so many of you, but I felt like there was something missing.
I felt like that picture said so little and for you, for every one of you who I’ve gotten to know so well here in our Internet community, I was left feeling like there was so much more I wanted to say.
To anyone who doesn’t know me, it was just another picture of one more happy couple who met and found the kind of love we all long for. It looks perfect.
The perfect couple on their wedding day. The perfect location. The perfect everything.
And yes, that day was just about as close to perfect as a day has ever been for me.
But there’s something else I need to tell you. Another part of this you won’t usually hear; the part you can't see in the picture.
You see, we share our pictures, we hold up those parts of our lives that we want everyone to see, and that’s as far as we usually go. We don’t talk about how we got there or how very real it’s been ever since that magical day.
Real.
This is the reality check I often give to my clients when they're so focused on the goal of getting married. Because here's the thing: it's a beginning, not an ending. This is where I remind you that when you finally get him to settle down, to make that commitment, to marry you, that's when the real relationship starts.
Soon you'll find that things can change quickly when you’re pregnant, and then you have kids, maybe a mortgage, and lots of bills.
Suddenly you find yourself having to make those big decisions about how to raise those kids or deal with those relatives or reconcile your religious differences. You have to decide whether you’re going to stay home with the kids or if you'd rather continue to have two incomes.
You have to figure out what to do with those two incomes (which can be particularly difficult when one is much larger than the other). Maybe you want to start your own business or go back to school, and you find that it's not just your decision anymore. You may be surprised to find each one of you has your own opinion and programming about things.
THIS is the reality part that isn’t in that picture.
It’s about how you communicate. It's about how you deal with the inevitable bumps in the road that come up at the worst possible times. It's about how you fight. And it's about how you make up.
It's how you deal with Both Of You.
It's messy, it's unpredictable, and it's almost guaranteed to catch you off guard. Because he comes from one place and you come from another. With his own programming, his own triggers based on what he doesn’t even know. And you have yours that you don't even understand.
I’ve got something to tell you.
You don’t want the one who isn’t capable of commitment now. You don’t want someone who doesn’t care, who can take you or leave you, who's never home or anywhere he says he's going to be, who isn’t anywhere you can find him. You don't want the one who doesn’t call you, who only gives you crumbs.
You don’t want him! Trust me on this one, you don’t, you don’t, you don’t!
Marriage is real.
Marriage is about two real imperfect human beings coming together bringing each and every bit of their past baggage with them.
You think the fact that he only communicates with you on his terms matters now? Just watch and see what that looks like after he’s not on his best behavior anymore. If you can’t communicate with him now, it doesn’t get better; it gets much, much worse.
When you’re sick and he’s nowhere to be found. When he’s too busy to show up at your kids’ soccer games. When he’s missing birthdays or anniversaries or whatever because of work or because his buddies are more important. When you feel more alone with him then you did on your own.
It gets real, and real fast. You want to make sure you're with someone who's going to be there for you.
"For better or worse" isn't just a nice sounding wedding vow, it's going to happen.
Whether your "worse" is the whole family coming down with the flu at the same time, your in-laws trying to drive a wedge in between the two of you because you're not good enough for their son, or both of you losing your jobs at the same time during an economic downturn, you want to make sure you're with someone who's going to be on your side.
If he's not there for you now, when things are easy and uncomplicated, what does that tell you about where he'll be when the going really does get tough?
Every couple who gets divorced had a beautiful wedding picture of their perfect day. But what happens after that picture was taken is what really matters. What happens after that makes all the difference in the world!
It’s now, when you’re getting to know someone in the beginning stages of a relationship, now is the time you need to be paying close attention to what really matters.
Because down the road, whether you think it will matter or not, it's all the real stuff that matters. Like how he treats you. Like how he communicates with you. Like how he treats women in general. Like how he treats people in general. Like how much he can look inward at himself or how much he deflects everything onto someone else so he doesn’t have to look within.
What matters becomes how aligned you are on what you really want in life. And whether or not you share the same values.
If he’s not treating you right, if he’s got a problem with women passed down from his father that he won’t or can’t recognize, if he’s so bought into the culture that he can’t see you or appreciate your beautiful feeling heart and soul that are pure gold, you’ve got some big questions to ask yourself.
Don’t stop when you’re just getting started here! Don’t stop when there’s someone who’s going to share your heart and your life coming on down the road.
I know you’re scared. I know you’re struggling to believe there actually might be someone else who could possibly be different than all you’ve ever known. But things are changing. The truth is coming out.
The good ones don’t finish last anymore. They win. Love finds a way.
Love is coming through. And never, ever, in a million years has love played such a cruel joke on you to forget you! You were made to love, Beautiful. Don’t stop now. This is how it begins!
On my 14th wedding anniversary, I feel very fortunate that none of my previous relationships worked out. Because when I finally did get it right, I knew what I really wanted in life, and I knew what to really look for in a partner to share that life with.
It took a while, but I found him. And he found me. And he's been on my side through all of our "worse".
That's what true love really is.
What do you think matters the most in a "real relationship"? Share your thoughts with all of us below in the comments!
PS: Here's a pic of the "real" before the pic at the top of the post was taken 🙂
Oh, Jane, I was just returning to catch up on your blog posts and this particular one spoke deeply to me. Congratulations on your anniversary, and thank you so much for sharing your experience from "the other side" -- a loving marriage of 14 years. I appreciate your perspective and wisdom very much, and your writing helps keep me focused on my goal of creating a similar partnership one day with someone who is worthy of me. Wishing you and your husband many more years of happiness!
Thank you so much, Kay. And how nice to hear from you! I'm so happy to hear this resonated so much with you. Someone who is worthy of you - yes, exactly!
*Hi Jane,
Congratulations on your anniversary. I just have to say there is hope and faith out there. I met a person recently, letting serendipity play its part. So far, he seems like a concerned, responsible person. I don't text or call, I let him take all the action. He has a close relationship with his family, even if there is squabbles he resolves them. He is very encouraging speaker He listens and does not forget a thing. We have been on a few outings together and had a real good time. One outing we went on, I ask him to not take something personal, if my mood changed through the day. Let me tell you, he made sure I stayed balanced all day. Wow, I couldn't believe it.
But, I'm a little scared and leary. Maybe its because of the past. I keep thinking or waiting for the worst, and then I pray, because I think this is a different person . He is a different person, like nothing I have never known. I have no mask on, I'm the real me with him. One thing, which confuses me , he hasn't tried anything. No kiss, no hug, not even holding hands. I kind of like it because he is showing me respect, but, again, the question arises "Is he for real?" or "He's prowling, waiting for the right moment."
Am I just scared because the love I need in my life is showing its presence?
All I know, Jane, serendipity will play its part and I will continue to go with flow, and enjoy the moments.
Michelle
Thank you so much, Michelle. It sounds like you've found someone different. How exciting to create that kind of shift for yourself! We can be scared for so many reasons, but fear is a sign to check in, to listen with your heart, to hear what's coming up for you. Take it slow, don't rush, and be honest and true to yourself first more than anything else. Keep me posted!
Thank you Jane for the wonderful post! Your words are just what I need at this exact moment. Thank you for sharing and for your open heart!
So glad, DiemChau. Thank you!
Hello Jane,
Now THIS message is what the kind i had been waiting to hear from you. You nailed it! Thank you.
I decided after my break-up with my ex that I'm going to do everything so differently with the next guy...I just hope I get different results too.
Thank you again Jane, I really resonated with your message, and I was smiling throughout.
Congratulations!!!!!!!!
You will, Decky! So glad this resonated with you. And thank you. 🙂
Congratulations Jane, on 14 years of marriage!! Real years with your guy ?
In those photo's you both look so happy and relaxed and giggly and you give me hope that I'll experience that one day. I'm concentrating on self love and enjoying it. Buying myself little treats and also telling myself I am beautiful, with or without make up on, with or without a guy in my life, when I have mini meltdowns because of my health issues, and just looking at myself in the mirror, the way I have always looked at previous boyfriends...with utter awe and love for MYSELF ?
Thank you Jane for your wonderful emails and the help you have been giving me.
Love
Donna xxx
Loved hearing this update from you, Donna. You deserve to be treated this way - and getting used to what it feels like is how we set ourselves up to receive these things from someone else! And thank you! 🙂
"and getting used to what it feels like is how we set ourselves up to receive these things from someone else!"
Hi Jane, Did you already or could you write a post about the above comment? I'm well on my way to practicing saying self-compassionate things to myself so it made me tear up to imagine a man saying those things to me IRL!
I just started your "Beautiful, confident, radiant you" program so that content is probably included which I'm excited about learning.
Laura
Oh Laura, you're not alone with that response. When you've been so deprived of such a basic tenet of love, it's so hard to even imagine it happening for real. I'm so glad you've started the program and you're going to find some specific exercises on that part specifically in one of your next sections. You're in precisely the right place if this is where you found your tears. My heart goes out to you and I can't wait to meet you on our one-on-one call at the end of the program!
True Love to me is this saying which I came across one day, that I believe speaks volumes:
A Great Relationship is about two things, first, find out the similarities, second, respect the differences.
Absolutely, Lori, because there will always be both in the real. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you Jane for sharing your thoughts and experience with us. I have no doubt benefitted from all your blogs in the past years, they have made me stronger by the day and always hold on to the belief and dreams of finding true love despite previous failures. Thank you for reminding me to have faith and patience amidst the chaos in our everyday life, most importantly, to accept and believe that it is still OK if that true love is never found because just by being me and I loving me is more than enough.
Just to realize this, Amy, is enough. I'm so glad these reminders are resonating with you! You deserve nothing less than the real thing. Honestly, if I could open the door on all my past failures, you would see just how alike we are. 🙂
This is one of the most beautiful blog posts that I've ever read on the Internet 🙂
Thank you, Jane.
Sincerely,
Julie
Thank you, Julie, for your beautiful words and for being here. I'm thrilled theses words from my heart resonated so much with you! 🙂
What matters to me in a relationship is future, both names sounds perfect & thinking of which last name would suits me. I've been friends with this guy for nearly 6 years and got to know each other since then n we've been friends on FB during that time. I haven't seen him for a few months.
I would like my future to be married and have no kids n I have a list of high standards in what I need want in a man.
I find it hard to find Mr.Right n I ask myself this question is this guy I like Mr Right? When I came back from holidays my mum N best friend told me this guy I like is interested in me but no signs, they both said to me not to give up on him. Last week he liked 6 of my FB posts in 1 week n I thought is this normal for a guy to like more than 1 FB post? He hasn't msg'd me n I'm too shy to msg him on FB coz I know he's always busy.
I ask myself why hasn't he msg'd me when he likes 1 or more of my posts I shared as he loves nature. I have thoughts should I message him when he's interested or even how can I talk to him n keep him interested at the same time?
I've been dreaming about what this guy will do next. Example comment on my post. I haven't talked to him since 10 September n I remember telling him I came back from holidays n he said "greetings, I'm not bad thanks. Yes it looks you really enjoyed Europe. It's great to know you travel to such wonderful places ?" I felt like I miss him n he missed me when I was gone and I've never had a guy say those beautiful words to me after being friends for 6 years
Idk if I should give him a mask n keep him interested or wait for him to msg me or comment on my post or wait til I see him next?
Your wedding photo looks beautiful
Hi Courtney,
it usually is best to do nothing and let the guy act.
If guys are ready, they act. At this point, he is not ready for anything. And there is nothing you (or anyone else) can do or be that can change that.
It is best instead to enjoy your life, like your travels :), and look to enjoy activities outside Facebook.
And remain open to the fact that you may not have met your guy yet. 🙂
But that he IS out there and following a path towards you.
And when he finds you, you won't wonder at all if he likes you because he will say it loud and clear.
To tie in your situation to Jane's post, we all want a guy who makes it very clear that he liked us, so that we have no doubts, and one who makes it clear he wants to spend time with us and he respects us. That is one way, we'll know he will be there for us later and that together we can face life.
I was in a similar situation once. The guy actually made it very clear he liked me, but never asked me out.
I'l never forget the advice I got: Someone said to me, yes, dating is hard and uncomfortable and there is a risk of embarrassment or hurt, but if he can't even ask you out now, will he be there for you later if you got very sick?
Wise advice, but I couldn't see it at the time. I spent another year pining over this guy. Fortunately , one day, I woke up to it and realized he will never change. These weren't promises or hints he was making and if only I stayed patient or maybe walked by his office or did another group friends lunch or asked him straight out..... No. He just enjoyed things exactly as they are and he wasn't going to change that. I started to limit all contact with him. I could see he was puzzled and he even tried harder ... but at the same old, same old. The deep conversations and looks when he came to my office , the compliments , again, more of what seemed to be hints of a future (he would tell me other people at work said they bet we would be married in 5 years!) and promises.
But I had woken up to reality. And I knew , all he had to do was ask me out. And he didn't. And so I shut that door.
And
I am so thankful he didn't ask me out and that I took steps to get over him!!
Several years later, I met the strong wonderful humble man who became my husband. Like Jane, I am so thankful for all the ones that did not work out. And incredibly relieved I managed to escape getting stuck with the wrong person.
My guy is just right for me, the (long 🙂 ) journey we each took to find each other made us into the very people who belong together today.
This is a guy, who though he was cautious, very worried about one of us getting hurt, and wondering how things could work out (especially bc we were very long distance) , slowly but absolutely surely took one clear step forward at a time. We got engaged after almost 2 years (he surprised me) and married less than 1 year later.
Wait for that guy Courtney. He will be so worth it!!!
Thanks for sharing your inspiring story, EC. I'm so very happy for you and so very grateful right along with you for all the ones that did not work out!
Thank you, Courtney. Always remember that a man who's truly worthy of you will never leave you guessing, and will make sure you know he's interested in you. You never, ever have to chase after or track down someone who's on the same page as you! In fact, when you do all the initiating, it makes it really hard to tell if he's just being nice and keeping the conversation going or if he's actually interested in you. If you took the time to tell him you came back from holidays, that's enough for him to know you at least enjoy communicating with him and it gives him the green light to show you more if there is more on his end. Look for that. If it's not there, that's telling you to accept his gift of friendship and to give yourself the gift of allowing someone else to chase you!
This is what we miss when we're in chasing mode, auditioning mode, fear mode. This is what we completely ignore or forget when we let other people's opinions and ideas drive our life.
This is what low self-esteem made me ignore whenever I chose the men of the past. Reality.
So true, Angel! I missed this part over and over and over again - every single time (except the last time!)