You know this kind of man all too well.
He’s pulling away, he’s slowing down, he’s changing.
You’re here for one reason and one reason only: to find out how to get him back.
You want to turn back the clock, make him change back to everything you want him to be.
How do I change him back? How do I make him want what he said he wanted before? These are your questions. It's the answers you want with all your heart to know. But what if we didn't need to make it so complicated? What if it was right there in front of you?
Take your own power back. Go back to who you were and how you felt when you first met.
So full of hope. So full of confidence. So full of your own power!
Every single piece of advice you receive has one thing in common. You.
You can do this! You haven’t lost your power. You haven’t lost your you. But being with someone who doesn’t know what he wants, who comes on strong and then fades away the closer you get, takes away your beautiful power so that you don’t even know who you are anymore.
But, Beautiful, he was attracted to you for a reason.
He pursued you for a reason. Because you were you! He needs you to remember that. To remember that beautiful woman you were - and still are today! You were being your beautiful self when he found you.
What’s changed is that you want more and he’s not sure if he’s ready for more.
But you actually know who you are! You know what you want. You're not the one who's confused. It's him. You know you’re not a casual dater, friends with benefits or bootycall kind of woman.
You’re a full-in or not-at-all kind of woman. And he senses it. He knows it. In fact, as ironic as it may seem, that’s precisely the reason he was so attracted to you in the beginning!
Go back there. Find her again. Become that Beautiful, Radiant, Confident woman, once again.
You weren’t made to nag.
You’re not here to be on the begging end when it comes to commitment. If you’re not getting what you want, if he’s saying by his words or his actions or both that he’s not on the same page as you, don’t fight him. Don’t tell him how he made all those promises in the beginning and misrepresented himself to you.
You know you’re right, but you’re not going to get that from him. That’s only going to push him farther away.
Instead, find you. Find that woman he told you he was falling in love with. Find that woman he treated like gold. She’s powerful. She’s confident.
She knows she’s the best thing that ever happened to him.
Beautiful, Confident, Radiant YOU!
What do you need to do to take back your own power, to find that true version of yourself again? What do you need to live like you’re the best thing that ever happened to him? We’re all here to support you. Tell us about it in the comments.
I completely understand what your article was saying. However how is that man going to see the original you if the two of you are separated? I did lose all my power and lost me so I was depending on him to follow through with his commitment even though it was not on his timeline.. I was the one who pushed. We were living together and I kept leaving when something came up because I was not getting what I wanted. He was not going to leave me but I was demanding.
If the two of you are both committed to working this out, he'll want to see the real you, Nora. But you can't be the only one who wants to see this through!
Help, how do I find my inner me, myself.
Every time you catch yourself thinking of him shift the focus back to YOU.
Love this advice, Mel. Beautifully said!
Find an activity, an exercise class, hobbies, pastimes,volunteering, whatever feels good to you. They should feel good enough for you to WANT to do them with or without a man in your life. Meaning, don't stop because you have a man. So that you learn more about yourself, and also always have a life outside of your man. No man wants to be your everything. And if he needs to be your everything, you're dealing with a controller.
So true, Janet! That's only going to feel like pressure to them. And not just to men, to you, too if the roles are reversed and you had someone looking to you to be their everything!
Start with asking yourself how you feel, Jasmine. Then move on to what you want to do, where you want to go, who you want to see. Start asking yourself about the choices you make - especially the small ones that seem insignificant. They matter. You matter! And don't stop asking yourself those questions until you've gotten a clearer picture of you - the real you!
Very very true and good article
Yes it's so true all the opinions and suggestions here. We accept not attract these type of men. Why?? Sometimes women are nurturers we see that we can make men's life better by being in it. When most of the time we lose ourselves in the relationship with the wrong person. That's what happens when our emotions get in the way.
Self respect, self worth for ourselves, that is what you need to remember. A man is a man and they think with the wrong head if you get my drift.. what this has to offer you, you can get anywhere. Don't settle .....
Great article!
Jane, you know what to say exactly when I need to hear it. Thank you!
How is it that they all seem to come on so strong in the beginning? Only to disappear completely.... He went from "I love you. You are my soul mate. I would die for you" to "I can never get married again. I can't be good to you or your kids. I want to be selfish & keep my options open". This shift happened literally overnight...
This has happened every single time I have tried to be in a relationship. They won't see it through & they bail on me. But then they go commit to the crazy, psycho, alcoholic women who wreck their lives & finances. I don't get it???
I'm loving & loyal. I don't quit on people. I don't bail! So why do I only attract the ones who do?
if I may offer my humble opinion and what I have learned... You don't "attract" these men. You are not a magnet. You are a human being who is on this planet sharing space with many kinds of other human beings. The only thing you can do is be who you are, appreciate and see your value and observe people carefully to see who deserves your time and energy and who doesn't. Those people who talk and talk big... observe them. Don't believe talk because talk is cheap as they say. Just look at their actions and see if they back up whatever they say. For the most part, most of us fail to look at the actions. We don't even realize how crucial consistency is. Consistency is the character trait we need in order to know who to trust and who to keep at a distance as a nice acquaintance. We don't "attract" people who are inappropriate for us, we accept them.
I have done this my whole life. These men showed me who they were from the get go, I just believed their words... and well, those words were just very easy to say but enormously difficult for them to back up with actions.
Get to really know men before jumping in with the kindness and love you have to offer a partner. Many many men come on strong because they think that is what they have to do to prove they can get a woman, but they don't even see you or themselves for that matter clearly. The same way women are brought up to believe many unhealthy things, men are brought up to believe their worth is tied to how many women they can get, or how to perform to get a woman. They don't want to be friendzoned because they equate that with being worthless, and because they don't want to be "friendzoned", they do what they "have to do" to get the woman. The problem is that once they have her, they don't know what to do because they don't have a script for that and because they don't even see the woman. They don't really love her... many don't even love themselves. It's all ego.
Same thing happens to many women: they think their value is tied to having a man commit to them, and they try and accomodate, and do and work.... because if it doesn't work, they are a failure. Do you see the vicious circle?
We human beings are enough on our own and our job is to be who we are and to be happy and take care of ourselves, regardless of finding any other to share our lives with.
I don't know if every person out there has these problems, maybe not, but many of us do.
I hope my thoughts help you a bit to understand a little piece of the puzzle. You might want to look within yourself and your own patterns to learn more about yourself and to make better choices in the people that you let in. Your life is precious.
Also, love is not a meritocracy. You can be loved as you are, not because you're "loyal and loving", but because you exist. That is all.
Hugs.
"We don't "attract" people who are inappropriate for us, we accept them." Perfect Angel!
Thanks Angel. I needed this post today & your reply! I feel like I constantly "attract" emotionally unavailable men. You say... we don't "attract" them but "accept" them.... Why do you think this is? What do I need to change inside of me to not continuously go for this type of guy that will never be able to give me what I ultimately want...commitment.
There are many good books out there that explain why we are attracted to this type of man. Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by Natalie Lue is a good read. The more you work on yourself, the less likely you are to accept and want this type of behavior (yes, we actually want it, despite our claiming not to).
If you can't fix yourself, you definitely can't "fix" someone else. It is actually wrong to want to!
Think about it - they probably wish you were "fixed" and would happily accept the fwb relationship your situation has become.
Good luck on your journey to becoming a strong, self-confident woman who doesn't need a man to make her happy and won't accept subpar treatment from anyone : )
Hi Jordan,
Every woman is different so every one of us might accept these men for different reasons. I will try and list possible reasons:
We tie our worth to these men committing to us because they subconsciously remind us of someone who didn't commit to us. In my case it was my dad. He was a dedicated father, but he was very dismissive and disapproved of me in many ways. So me trying to win him over by accommodating and being the good little girl was translated into doing the same for the men I was attracted to, and they, like my dad, didn't approve of me or saw me.
Cultural ideas: my value as a woman depends on having a partner, keeping him, and having children. Society does not look at us as human beings, but as "women" and women need to conform and perform a certain way. If the man doesn't commit, she's not the right woman. If I am not the right woman, it's because I failed, I am not "fill in the blank" enough. You get the idea. I will be alone forever if I can't find a man, and that means being a pathetic spinster. There's too much wrong with me if I become one. I have no value. "Men's opinions and deeds, overall lives, are more important and they define a woman's worth". There are so many ideas we grow up believing in and they just make our lives miserable. "As a woman, you have to be accommodating, nurturing, nice, and obliging, otherwise you're a bitch, you're not getting enough sex, etc". When we operate from fear and with this mindset, we settle for crumbs. We bank on potential and not the reality.
Society has believed in this "the one", "soulmates" thing and it has been created to romanticize marriage. Marriage was created as a tool to control property and procreation, not for happiness and self realization. We have been lied to for centuries and many of us don't even question these ideas.
Also, when we are told we live to make other people's lives better and our needs don't matter because we have to sacrifice for others because that's what a good little girl/mother/girlfriend/daughter/girlfriend/wife... (you get my point) is supposed to do, we have no life of our own. When we have no life of our own, it's easy to get lost in a man. That's when problems come in. It's too much pressure on him and we end up being less than half the human being we can be.
Personally, I have stopped thinking in terms of "men" and "women" and began thinking in terms of people and individuals. I want to live differently and that way challenge the status quo. It's not easy because I haven't found many people who join me in that endeavor, but I refuse to keep buying into nonsense that ends up making me feel bad about myself and the world.
Forgive me but why do we women always need to change? Always need to do something to be accepted and adored?
Yes we accomodate, we cook, we love, we swipe his nose when he is sick.....I personally enjoy taking care of a person and do stuff for him and for me, too even if he doesn't do them for me.
And I read something that says not to initiate anything but when he approaches, acknowledge it and accept graciously and with love.....put everything aside and kindly accept his approach, and when I do this (it comes naturally to me) it is okay but when I approach him he acknowledges it and either refuses or puts me on hold....how can a person not be a little taken aback by this and question her everything?
Exactly my point, Ruins. We never have to change unless we choose to. And indeed, that's the only time we ever should. But we do have to be honest with ourselves about the reality of what we have and what we can actually live with and still be true to ourselves!
You're exactly right! Well put.
I have given him my all and received nothing in return. I need to go back to loving myself first.
Beautifully said, Sierra. We don't realize how much we leave ourselves in the process of loving someone who gives us nothing in return.
...What do I need to get back to ME is to be alone for awhile, long enough to come to the realization that a man does not complete me! That I can be happy & content by myself. I'm working on the 4 week program & I'm doing great!
You've got this, Marguerite. So glad you've discovered my program and it's working for you! I look forward to meeting you at the end! 🙂
When I feel my Honey pulling away, I do what I can to make me happy, feminine, and radiant- yoga, spending time with my family, dancing, reading, shopping, etc. When I give him his space and freedom of choice he comes running back to me with even more love. It's a win-win situation 🙂
Although, I do admit, it took me YEARS to finally understand this natural ebb and flow of the male and female dynamics.
I still strugle Anna! But in I think that's it! That's what Jane says in her posts, when he starts pulling away we need to keep living our lives, do what we like and makes us happy! Instead of trying harder... I still strugle, but I think you are right!
"Years", yes, Anna. I so hear you! 🙂
I was with an emotionally unavailable guy for 20 years (from the age of 16). It has been 4 years since he left. I was tormented for years wondering why he ever stayed so long to just treat me like he never even liked me. Since reading your blog, I now understand that what he saw in me in the beginning was real but he wasn't able to deal with it and I wasn't able to believe it for myself. He was attracted to my kindness and my openness. It has brought me such peace and comfort to understand him and myself from reading your blog. So thank you. I am ready to love again and I'm looking forward to learning how to attract an emotionally available man.
I'm so glad you're here and finding some peace from the torment, Rebecca. We're never meant to walk this road alone, to put someone else's behavior on ourselves like we do. You have no idea how your beautiful kindness and openness is going to be valued and treasured by someone who adores you and loves you for you - and is on the same page as you! Welcome! 🙂
No, I do not think it's about the woman if a man changes. If he is the one changing then the problem is with him and not the woman.