Our gorgeous friend, Anita, has written in to tell us about her boyfriend of 4-1/2 years who just doesn't seem to be able to commit to marriage.
Here's her email:
Dear Jane,
I left my live in boyfriend 11 months ago because he seemed to have no plans to ever marry me.
He also refused to communicate at all, by that I mean if I tried to talk to him about anything regarding my feelings or our relationship (which I did very seldom) he would completely ignore me & refuse to answer me, look at me or even acknowledge my presence at all.
This was ALWAYS the response no matter how loving I was he refused to speak or even tell me if we could discuss the issue another time.
He was always quite distant, needing a lot of alone time except in the very beginning (first few months) of our relationship. Friends & family said he has always been this way. He is 47 years old, never married or even close.
I am his longest relationship by far, 4 1/2 years, 1 other long term at 32 that lasted 1 1-1/2 years & she left him because he wouldn't commit also. He has dated a lot of other women but all last between 2-6 months only.
When I first left he contacted me often, when I didn't respond to calls or texts he would show up at my job to see me for a short time & leave.
I never contacted him even once & tried to avoid him as much as I could except when he came to work for the first 4 months because even though he was contacting me the missing ingredient was he STILL wasn't saying he was willing to do anything differently.
Finally after 5 months apart he asked me to come to his house to talk & I reluctantly went hoping he had finally come around.
We had a pleasant evening just talking and he said it felt so good to be with me again and he wanted to try to work it out and see me again soon. He hugged me for a very long time and I went home very happy. Then NOTHING!
Two months went by with not a word, someone told me he was seeing someone else and then this past month I received a strange text from him about finding a favorite food of mine & he wanted me to know where to get it.
I didn't respond to him.
I am so hurt, I love him so much and always treated him with love and respect. I can't understand why he didn't just leave me alone after I left if he didn't want to try to work toward a new relationship.
Why this strange text?
My questions are, do you think at this age he is ever going to be capable of a healthy relationship or commit to marriage?
He is educated, a business owner and very successful in all other areas of life, although I do see some of the same tendencies in his business with dropping customers who ask more from him than he's comfortable with.
I know I had to leave for my own dignity and self-respect but I am having a hard time letting go of him & the dreams I had for a life together. I would be very grateful for any advice you can offer me.
Sincerely,
- Anita
My Response:
Dear Anita,
How my heart goes out to you! I’m so glad you reached out in the midst of your heartbreak.
You hope. You dream. You love with abandon!
You feel so much. You give so much. But he can’t meet you even halfway. He only meets you just enough to keep you there, to keep you hanging on, in case he changes his mind one day.
You treated him with love and respect. But is this how he treated you?
You deserve someone who you never have to wonder about, who you can actually talk to, who you can dream with, who you can dream together with.
These strange texts come out of the blue just when we’re ready to move on because in some way he senses it, and he’s not ready for you to.
That’s it. That’s all. Leave it there. Don’t use it as one more thing to cling false hope on. If he was close, he’d make sure you knew. If he was ready, there’d be no doubt.
Pick yourself up, Beautiful. Dust yourself off. You’ve got all the power in the world right there within you, Anita.
It’s time to use it. It’s for you, not him.
Thank the Universe or God or whatever you believe in, for saving you from any more heartbreak.
Take all of your beautiful time and energy you’re spending feeling hurt by him, trying to understand why he doesn’t share those same equitable sentiments as you do and put them towards you. We all have our own timeline for letting go, for seeing someone through eyes of reality apart from our own dreams.
But we only keep hurting ourselves in the meantime the longer we stay here.
You know this, Anita. It's why you left. I’m only going to confirm for you and validate what you know to be true. I want you to take full credit for seeing this for yourself, for choosing you over him, even if you so didn’t want to have to.
He’s 47 never married or even close.
You’re his longest relationship - by far - at 4 ½ years.
His dating history averages are 2-6 months.
You’ve heard he’s seeing someone else.
These are facts that we have to learn to listen to when our dreams, our plans, our hopes always try to justify them away or drown them out.
This is what you know about him.
What you’re left with are your own beautiful dreams. Keep those. Cherish them. Treasure them. They belong to you!
There's someone out there who shares those same dreams. Someone who’s going to share them all and more with you. Someone who’s going to come alongside you and build on them with new dreams that will belong to the both of you.
That’s why this happens!
I’m so sorry for your heartbreak – I know just how hard it can be to reconcile it when there’s nothing right there in front of you to take his place. But it’s the only way we can get past someone who has no business being in our lives when we can’t see it for ourselves to get out of there.
He doesn’t think like you. He doesn’t act like you. He isn’t like you.
No, they don’t change. No, they don’t suddenly become capable of a healthy relationship or commit to marriage if they’re still so far away from there at 47.
For every one man who might be the one in a million who comes around, I can show you a long line of heartbroken women who waited and waited and waited some more, who put their own lives on hold just to wait some more.
And in the end, he was still the same. But they weren’t. They lost so much in the process. Their confidence, their self-esteem, their beautiful selves.
For a man just like this.
That’s their story, Anita. Be so proud of yourself for not making it yours.
Now is your opportunity to come out into the beautiful light of you. Your beautiful world is a beautiful place to be. You did the right thing in not allowing in what doesn’t belong there. What does belong will always, always find a way!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other words of advice or encouragement for our gorgeous friend, Anita? Share them with us in the comments!
And if you're wondering what makes men pull away (and what you can do about it), check out my audio program "Why Men Pull Away - Breaking the Cycle of Dating Emotionally Unavailable Men Who Won't Commit".
Hi Anita. I get it. It's so very painful, but your story was succinct and clear. He will never be with this other women long term either. He only moved on so he could start over and keep another at arms length until she starts pressuring him for something more. He will never ever change. You don't have to worry that he's going to live a long and committed life with someone else. It's NEVER going to happen. This man has very deep issues with commitment. You would have 25 years of pain with this person. Every thing about him screams inability to commit. Ever.
Thank you both for your feedback, it really helps. I am still struggling emotionally but it helps to have the opinions from others who aren't emotionally involved and are able to be objective.
Thank you again!
Anita you are amazing and so so strong. Good for you. I'm so so sorry for the loss of your son. You haven't had it easy by any means so you REALLY do deserved to be loved, cherished and taken care of (emotionally). Stay strong. You are an inspiration to us all. Remember...if the door won't open, then it's NOT your door. There's a better door waiting for you which will open wide.
Take care x
Hi Anita ... He may be with someone else but he is still thinking of you. You are doing the right thing and keeping to your boundaries and your goals for your life. Those stupid texts he sends are his clumsy way of trying to start conversation, but keep ignoring cuz he knows the only conversation you want is a serious conversation about your future. It's not your fault that he's not up to it yet. At one point he lured you in with conversation then nothing... He waited for you to be the one to pursue so that you would give in to his terms. YOU ARE SO STRONG keep it on your terms with or with out him you will be fine. Start dating not only because it will spark his interest but because there is a lot of men and a lot of life out there. Don't settle and don't dwell on this one. He may show up and he may not but if you are moving on you will be to busy and happy to care. Best wishes Sue
Hey Anita. All I will tell you is learn from this experience and make sure it does not happen again. It hurts like hell. I know because I went through it. Guess what? I survived. I'm alive. I'm happy. Since I left I've met men like my ex. They want me but don't want me. I never give them my heart. I watch their move not their words. I never give them more than they give me. If they give 1 I give 1. If they give 2 I give 2. Eventually when they see that I'm not all over them, they vanish. Which is fine.
Heal your heart. Spend time on you. You will meet the one that wants to be with you and knows it. And has no doubt that he wants you.
Thank you Jane for responding to me. Since I contacted you he has sent me another message on my sons birthday ( my son passed away) saying he's always think of me. I didn't respond and I finally got up the courage to delete him from my phone and unfriend him on Facebook. It was painful because in my heart I really want to think his contact means something but I guess it really doesn't as evidenced by the fact that he's with someone else.
Thank you
Anita
Best is to block his number on your phone. Don't just delete it. He can still contact you which will make it hard to move on. I know for me every time he contacted me it would ruin my day and sometimes even longer.
Cheers.
I know how painful this must be and I'm so sorry for your loss, Anita. But the fact that you've found the courage to see him for what he can and can't give you - the real him who he shows you by his actions more than words - and let him go by removing him from your phone and social media will make this easier for you to get through in the long run. If he's with someone else it's not any kind of a reflection on you, it's only about him and where he's at and serves as your confirmation that there is someone else who is going to be right for you! Hang in there, you're going to get through this, too!
Hi, I think the first thing that sticks out to me about your story is the history of men that were afraid to commit. Sometimes we unconsciously choose these men. It might be that you aren't ready to commit either. Men pick up those signals immediately.
Did you tell him from the beginning you were looking for someone to get married?
Men are in a slump right now with bad dating experiences. It is across the board and finding a guy who wants to get married is extremely rare. Unfortunately. men are afraid to commit because of the divorces, money being taken from them through divorce and the control they feel they give up once they meet someone. Although Jane is here to help I wouldn't rely on finding a man to get married. Find someone you can enjoy your life with.
Sounds like he's moved on so be Thankful that you had 4 good years with him. Hopefully you 2 will be in touch so you can ask him what happened? 4 years is a long time for him to be with you but he, in my opinion, felt that things were fine. He never talked about marriage with you so he had no plans of pursuing that level of a relationship with you, yet at least.
I am sorry but keep your chin up. You seem to have good relationships skills to have men in your life for a long time.