It's one of the biggest questions I hear over and over again: "How much more time should I give him? Have I really wasted the best years of my life on this man?"
Our beautiful friend, Louise, is going through this right now and has been for the last five years.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane
I've been with a guy for 5 years now.
I've known him for 13 years in total and when I moved to my new city he got in touch and we set up home together pretty much straight away.
He initiated us getting together and said although he was living with someone (they own a house together) they were splitting up and there was no future in it - and said we'd get somewhere to rent for a year whilst he got their house sold and all matters tied up.
They were not married.
Every year since then I have expected some movement - a house valuation, conversations about what happens next, discussions of the future etc. There has been nothing - he just clams up every time I raise the subject and says he "doesn't know".
His ex gf has been living at the house ever since and still wants him back.
We have had three big arguments on the subject in 2013, 2014 and 2015 and still nothing has moved. He hasn't even looked seriously into buying her out (just says he can't). He'll do anything to avoid tackling the subject but insists he wants to be with me and that he doesn't want to return to the house like nothings happened, but obviously I'm beyond frustrated.
I'm third place after a house and an ex gf he says he doesn't want, and I've wasted five years of my life and quite probably the chance to have kids. I gave him everything but he's just gutless.
It's over for me now - what on earth is wrong with him? I just don't understand!
- Louise
My Response:
Dear Louise,
Nothing has moved. Every time YOU raise the subject, he says he “doesn’t know”. YOU expected some movement. It’s been five long years. You’re third place after a house and an ex he doesn’t even want.
Of course you can’t understand because there’s nothing to understand, Louise.
He’s doing what’s working for him even if he doesn’t know what that is. Sometimes doing nothing can work for someone. Sometimes not moving forward works really well for someone. Sometimes staying stuck and saying “I don’t know” works really REALLY well for someone.
There’s something here for you to see, Louise. It’s someone who this is obviously working for. And it’s obviously not you.
It’s working for him.
Of course you had an expectation of how things were going to go because that’s how things work in your world. But your world isn’t his world, Louise. That’s the first thing we have to understand.
Nothing has moved because he doesn’t really want things to move.
Someone who wants things to move, moves things. Someone who wants things to progress, does what it takes to make them progress. He doesn’t only pay it lip service. He DOES something about it.
From what you’ve told me, this isn’t your man.
Be grateful it’s only been five long years, although I know those five years have felt so costly for you in so many ways. I hear your story from women who are going on ten and twenty years and even longer with men like this and are still “trying to understand”.
We’re oh so understanding, Louise, but we’re beginning to discover that understanding has its own limits. We have to find what those limits are for ourselves. And then we need to set them.
There is no understanding a scenario like this, Louise. There is only accepting the reality of what is, and recognizing the difference between what we want it to be, and what it actually is.
You can’t change him.
You can’t make him do what he obviously doesn’t want to do for reasons that have everything to do with him and nothing – read that again – nothing – to do with you. Don’t take that kind of stuff on. It’s all his, not yours.
You’re free now.
Even if free is the last word you’d use to describe how you feel right now. Because five long years is enough – more than enough – for someone to make up their mind to actually DO something.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Can you offer Louise any other words of advice, understanding, or encouragement? Please share them with us in the comments!
I just walked away from a man who talked the talk but would not walk the walk. The first six months was perfect, the last two frustrating and heart breaking to listen to excuse after excuse as to why I was not a priority. I am SO proud of myself for taking this action and so quickly. A couple of years ago I would have stayed much longer but I have done so much work on myself (this site had helped) and he will not take that away from me. He will not take my self esteem. It is his loss and his problem. Not mine. I have taken my power back and I feel amazing. X
A few years after a divorce from a very long marriage and at a "mature age" I thought I met the "one" who was supposed to be! He said and did everything a woman could want a EXCEPT the one thing that seems to be a common thread in all these stories....... commitment and inability to move forward for whatever reason. (in this case it was a kid who is now an adult in his mid 20's from the second marriage that he was raising from wife #2 ) . My point? It doesn't matter what/who the excuses are, it will never happen for whatever the self serving "reason of the week" is . 10 1/2 years later I found myself in my late 50's in a tailspin as my knight in shining armor turned out to be junkyard trash. 2 years later I enjoy my choice of being alone rather than being with someone who will never make you his priority because after all, this is not about you, it's all about him! Remaining understanding of someone who continues to do whatever works for him with no thought of your feelings is a recipe for the "perfect storm" and heart break. Believe me, It can be freeing to know you are currently not with him/anybody because you have made the choice to be with someone that is right for YOU! Then and only then, it will work for both of you and you will see how "easy" that relationship is instead of in a constant state of confusion and frustration trying to determine where he is headed with you. And because this is his issue and not yours, he is going to do the same thing over and over, just thank your lucky stars he won't be doing it to you! So Louise take care of yourself first, value what you have to offer someone, and don't settle for anything less and it will happen! Best of luck
PS In hindsight; 1) trust your gut instinct, it's usually right 2)actions speak louder than words
Exactly! Thanks for sharing, JD.
FREE,
not
ALONE!
From someone who has been waiting for years: when YOU move, then you will SEE!
We are there for you, Louise!
Thank you, Jane
Beautiful, Sly. The only way we see! Thank you.
Things haven't moved because you haven't moved either, girl. I know it's quite painful to look at it this way, but it's exactly what you need to see to understand that your life is your own and no one else's. The minute you leave your happiness in someone else's hands, you lose. Consider this another chapter in your life to learn from and to propel you towards the life you want and truly deserve.
I hope you have the courage and clarity to decide to leave and move on to better times.
"The minute you leave your happiness in someone else's hands, you lose." - oh so true, Angel. Thank you!
Played house even... Not houseboy
Predictive text !!
Happens to me way too often 🙂
I can also relate, I stayed with a guy 2 years that had emotional ties to his ex of 17 years, similar situation, they played houseboy he never comitted to her fully. I used to be patient,hopeful and always put his needs first. I used to think being kind, loving etc would be enough to make him see, but truth is, you can't change a man that isn't ready. I walked away, certain he would fight for us and start to take action, it's now been four months and nothing. He's 43 year old and not ready. I think as everyone says, best to walk away now before even more time goes by. Evan Marc Katz a dating guru that I like, always says wasted time on the wrong guy, is wasted time not meeting the right one. So true!!! You deserve better !
Used to be. Love hearing that, Jess. That's what matters. Thank you. So very true!
"you can't change a man who isn't ready". So true. I also thought that If I waited a little longer things might change...
This community helps me be stronger and move on!
So can you Louise!
Louise,
He is doing what works for him. Not you. You need to let him know that you will not tolerate being put on hold or disrespected in such a manner. Don't just tell him anymore, it's time to act on actions and leave him immediately. No second guessing yourself. You have given enough of your time to this man only to still be places on hold, no more, set yourself free from him. You need to build up your self esteem and your concern should be "You", always first. Start there and then work on being a confident, happy, independent woman that you know has somehow been diminished by being with this man. You deserve to be happy with a man or without a man. Hope this helps.
Sonia
Exactly, Sonia. Thank you for your words for Louise. It all helps!
Hi Louise,
Its pretty obvious that this man has a pattern. He plays house with women and never really commits. I mean he lived with his ex, didn't close that book and he moved in with you and started a new book. He will probably move on with another lady doing the same thing if things don't work out with you two. In this scenario you have to think about what you want. Is this relationship meeting your needs? Its not from everything you've said. So why are you still with him? Probably holding on to hope. I did the same thing. Held on to hope for 5 yrs and nothing changed. I changed things when I left and I have peace of mind. So sweetie, do what is best for you and not for him. He does not want what you want no matter how much he tells you he does. His actions show otherwise.
Good luck
Beautifully said, Princess. Can tell you've been there. Thank you for sharing!
Louise please move on from this man you have a wonderful life ahead of you .Please don't give him your time 5 years is long enough .I did the same thing but it took me 20 yrs !!!! I'm happy now and the feeling of freedom from the frustration and the let downs is amazing .You can do it .You deserve it DON'T LOOK BACK
Thank you for these words, Heather. It's never, ever too late. Be so proud of yourself for getting there at all and feeling that freedom. It is amazing! When you've been there you understand like so few can!
Dear Louise
Jane hit all the best points. I lived six years with someone that could not make a move to marry me. I left and never looked back. He moved in a girlfriend and had three kids and was unable to fully participate in raising them. He had serious issues and ultimately was extradited to Canada for spitting in a police officers face. Long story. I looked up his name and found out the last details. Sad story. Hope you move on with a clear conscience as he doesn't give a rats ass about what you want. We love you and feel your pain. I guarantee life will get better over time. We all make mistakes and that's how we learn Enjoy your life, without him.
Oh Pat, what a story. So glad you're free! It does get better over time, so much better than we can ever imagine when we're going through it. Thank you for these words for Louise.