I hear it all the time. Things started off so great - we had such chemistry, we clicked, I felt the spark! Then suddenly, everything changed...
One of our readers, City, is experiencing this right now. She confronted him about it, and now he's pulled away even more.
Here's what she wrote:
I met this guy a few months ago and we immediately clicked.
We had a connection (or so I thought ). We would talk till morning rise and we never wanted to be apart. He would send me text messages just to let me know his thinking about me.
Every thing changed when he went home for holidays.
He did not text, if he did they would be short, answering questions, until he eventually stopped texting or even replying any of my messages. I confronted him and he said I complain too much. Is asking someone to reply to your text complaining?
I am afraid I might have ruined things between us. I might have spoilt any chance of us being together. I really like this guy and want to make things work.
Please help me get him back.
- City
My Response:
Dear City,
Please consider this:
If you confronting him and asking him to reply to your texts could possibly ruin things between the two of you, what have you really got? What is there between the two of you at all if this could be a deal breaker for him?
This isn’t about who’s right or wrong about whether asking someone to reply to your text is complaining; it’s about the fact that he said you complain too much when you confronted him, and that you felt the need to confront him at all.
This is you being you, City. And this is him being him.
If he pulled away or disappeared or you haven’t heard from him in whatever form after this conversation, it’s not because you did something wrong. It’s because you both revealed more of who you are, and this revelation showed that you’re not on the same page.
I can’t stress this point enough, City.
You reveal who you are to someone the more you get to know them, the more they see more of you, and the more you see of them. If you don’t like what it reveals, then use that realization to do something about it, to work on changing that part of you if you don’t like it.
But if you’re reacting to his lack of response to your texts and you want someone who will respond to you even when he’s home for the holidays, then know that this isn’t your guy.
Because if you hadn’t said what you did say to him, you wouldn’t have been being your true self. Or you can work on that part of you and find someplace else to go with your need for communication when he’s away, and then you’ll present a different side of you to him as it becomes you.
But if you’re looking to him to determine what you say and what you do so that he won’t feel like you’re “complaining”, or only to get him back or keep him with you, he’ll eventually see through that because the real you can never not come through!
You see, we’ve got this all wrong.
Instead of first being crystal clear with ourselves about who we are and what we want, instead we connect with someone in that incredible connection we all know all too well, and when he shows us who he really is, we spend all our time and energy trying to keep that connection going, instead of accepting who he is – and who we are.
So if you want to get him back, City, first get clear on whether or not you really do.
You say you really like him, but do you also like the part of him that doesn’t text you when he’s away? Do you also like the part of him that says you’re complaining when you confront him on something that’s important enough to you for you to say something about it?
Because these are all a part of him.
They reveal more of who he is. And if you really like him, then you have to accept this part of him, too, without trying to change him. Trying to change someone, trying to make someone into the potential that we see, or bring back the connection we felt we had, is our agenda, not his.
We have to get very clear about our motives first, City, because they always show through.
If you still decide you do want him back – even these parts of him, then start by owning where you are. Communicate with him in a non-confrontational way using “I” statements letting him know that you’d like to pick up where you left off.
Tell him you didn’t want to push him away, but don’t say too much. Less is always more when you’re communicating with a man. Enough to say your piece and be true to yourself, but not so much that you lose him somewhere in all the words being said.
Own what you want. Own who you are. Don’t try to be someone or something else that you’re not.
Give him some space after. Don’t try to predict his response or overthink what he does or says or – most importantly – what he doesn’t do or say.
He needs to know the real you. He needs to see the real you.
Obviously, something was triggered in him when you confronted him and he felt defensive enough to have to throw the “comlaining” comment back on you. That’s often what men do when we confront them. They pull away or deflect what they feel back on you.
Not because you’re bad, not because you shouldn’t have said anything, not because of anything to do with you, but because of who he is, of who he feels so strongly that he’s supposed to be. Men aren’t wired for communication like we are.
And when we call them on this, it’s their natural response to pull away. Or deflect.
We have to understand them first if we want to live with them. We have to understand the difference between the fantasies we’ve been programmed to believe about love and the reality of what love really is. And then we have to be willing to accept the reality that’s right there in front of us no matter how much we don’t want to.
You can’t change him, City. You can’t make him or anyone else like you. But you don’t really want to.
You only want the ones who really want you back. Not the ones you have to convince to come back in the first place.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any other words of advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend City? Please share them with us in the comments!
I think as a woman you have to consider yourself a total flame, and you have to flicker brightly.
Men will be drawn to you. You'll always have a few moths orbiting you. And they'll be drawn to you because YOU are interested, you ask them about their lives, their work, you crack jokes, laugh alot, don't give a shit really about the good opinion of others, be economically independent, curious about the world.
Basically, you have to have a few moths circling you, even as you're dating one. And you mustn't swallow any doubts you have. You must RISK showing your feelings, and asking when something comes up you're not clear about.
Because the way HE handles your enquiries is vital. If he disappears, he would have left eventually anyway. Being a teeny bit of a ball-breaker (sexist term if ever there was one) saves you a lot of wasted time and heartbreak. Sooner rather than later. And NO TEXTING FIRST IN THE BEGINNING. Or you'll never be able to guage how truly keen he is. But always reply straightaway if you can. No game-playing either. And if he does start pulling away, accept the pain, but DO NOTHING.
There are so many different ways to say what you've written here, Fran, but you've captured the essence of what so many of us miss so passionately in your words. Thank you for going here. This is the "radiant" part of my Beautiful, Confident, Radiant, You program. You've captured this beautifully - "I think as a woman you have to consider yourself a total flame, and you have to flicker brightly. Men will be drawn to you. You'll always have a few moths orbiting you." And you will!
After lot of searching in me I finally truly came to realise that this kind of situations is not happening because of what I have said or done, or any one of us beautiful ladies who are here. It's very liberating to really see this, it's about them, not us, not our fault. Because it's so easy to blame ourselves - which is not healthy.
I have this one guy in my life who is my 'weak point'. After all soul searching and reading I think I finally understand where he is coming from and why he is my weak point, not truly over him yet but really starting to see the real him, not the potential or fairytale him. I believe that everything happens for a reason and all the people in our journey - called life, we meet for a reason.
Stay strong sisters! Know what you want and deserve!
Exactly, Ariel. Thank you for adding this. It's such a beautiful thing when we can see it for ourselves, the reality of what is, instead of the fantasy we so want it to be. Be so proud of yourself for being open and willing to recognize the difference!
I only have one comment, know what you want and own it, if he do not line up with what YOU want, keep it moving. Speaking from experience if you settle you are not getting what you want which makes you an unhappy person. Who want to be in a miserable relationship?!?!?! The best advise my daughter gave me one day, "Moma own who you are and if they do not like who you are then they are not the person for you".
So true, RealDavis! Thank you.
Jane brings up a point I haven't thought about until now. About how men communicate differently and how sometimes you have to be direct and to the point for them to understand what you want and need. However, usually this is communicated in big long fluffy words and sentences and I get why now. It's whenever I was talking in those big long fluffy sentences that I wasn't clear on what I wanted and deserved in the first place. So how could I communicate it to him if I couldn't even communicate it to myself? That direct communication comes from knowing what you want and need in a relationship/marriage and understanding yourself enough to know why it's important to you and why you deserve to ask for it. Makes perfect sense to me!
Exactly, Julie! Thank you for expanding on this point. Underneath all those "big long fluffy words" - and I love how you put that because it's so often exactly how we communicate. however unintentionally! - there lies the problem; our own lack of clarity. We can't say it more succinctly because it's not clear enough in our own minds. Only when we're clear first can they begin to hear what we're saying.
You can't make someone continue to like or love you. Sometimes peoples feelings just change. I would just accept that its over and move on. Asking someone why they didn't text, should not be answered with something rude like "you complain too much". You can find someone better, who wants to put in as much effort into a relationship as you, even when away from eachother. Good luck!
Beautifully said, Portia. Thank you.
Never want anyone who doesn't want to be there out of their own free will! It's not worth it. They are not worth it.
So true, Jackie. Thank you.
Hi Jane and all,
This really applies to where I am right now. Having recently had a relationship end because he couldn't cope with the emotional way I responded to a distressing situation. I realise from reading ur emails that this is him showing his true self and I need to accept that this means we are not on the same page if he can't cope with my emotions as this is who I am and my true self. Maybe I need to work on how I do react to things however I also need to work on my own self worth as I think I was willing to want him back ar first. It's just where to go from here. It's certainly good to know lots of us go thru the same trials.
Selina
RUN from a man who tells you to smile when you're feeling sad. You'll just feel even lonelier.
You're never alone, Selina. I'm so glad this is all resonating with you! Thank you for adding your experience to the conversation. It all helps!
I just recently experienced something very similar .
I thought I had a fairytale relationship with someone .
It started out perfectly... The first few dates were amazing and we both even said we felt like we were being swept off our feet on the second date after only two weeks of knowing each other.
But then something changed .
He did stop texting as frequently . He didn't call as frequently . When I asked him why he never had an answer. He was always very busy with work and other things so often when I wanted to discuss things we never had an opportunity to talk face-to-face. It was clear that something was not right.
At first I was very accepting of this because I knew he was a good catch . Great catch !!! I thought I would hang in there and that things would get better. He had been planning to move closer to me for work so I was anticipating the move helping our situation.
But after three months, I realized I needed someone who was truly there for me . Someone who I wasn't asking to be there.
I also realized he wasn't going to change. I was not going to be a priority in his life like I thought and like it appeared I would be in the beginning...
Two days ago I decided to step away .
It wasn't easy .
And...I haven't heard from him .
I'm remaining strong .
I know who I am and I know what I want.
I know I deserve better than that.
He is a good man, but not the right man for me.
In the past, I would've blamed myself for doing something wrong.
But I recognize now that it just isn't a good fit . I couldn't keep trying to make it something it wasn't .
Thanks Jane for all of your advice. Although I just recently started reading your articles, they are reinforcing so much of what I had started learning about myself and relationships.
I'm a work in progress and I'm headed in the right direction.
Finally.
OMG, you knew him all of TWO WEEKS. And the fact that you describe him as a "great catch" is objectifying him.
Sleep around woman! Get some experience of thinking more like a man. The right man for you will stick around, however "demanding" and vulnerable and "crazed" you are.
And rethink your attitude to things like marriage and sex. Stuff we absorbed growing up can be very damaging to the way we approach men. They're human too you know.
Thank you, Jill. You're so welcome. You're seeing so much because you're open to see it. And when we're open, things happen. We make those seemingly small shifts first, and then things begin to shift around us. For us. You are headed in the right direction - and this is just the beginning of so much more to come. It's in that stepping away so much more than just stepping away is happening. It's stepping into you, stepping into your own power, stepping into the reality of what you want and what you realize you're worth. Be so proud of yourself for seeing that! And thank you for so eloquently sharing your story. I'm sure many of us can identify with what you've been through.