What do you do when you feel like you've tried absolutely everything, and you just keep winding up alone and heartbroken every time? Our letter this week comes from one of our gorgeous readers, Jamie, who's going through just that, and she's wondering what to do next.
Here's her email:
Hello Jane,
Last May I declared to all that I wanted to create a loving, long-term, committed relationship. In the last 17 months since I made that declaration I’ve spent over 13 of them dating 5 different men to varying degrees, the last relationship ending, sadly, yesterday.
This February I went on a date with a man I met online and from the very first moment I felt excited and optimistic that I might have found a really great guy. We dated 4 and a half months and I found myself actually falling in love for the first time in a looooooong time.
I let myself go there with this guy.
I was open and vulnerable and brave. He did some things that should have been red flags to me, but I overlooked them because I was so out of my mind attracted to him, he treated me well, and I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I wanted it to work. I wanted to believe.
I initially found my way to your website to help me heal from the breakup with that man. It was heart wrenching and challenging, ending in a very unceremonious way with him breaking up with me and moving to another state without much closure.
It was rough, but with self-care, quality time by myself and with friends, reading inspirational material such as yours and practicing patience and trust that “this too shall pass,” I found myself on the road to healing.
I began to feel empowered again, strong, back to my old self… which is when I met James.
We connected this August… not long after that painful breakup and rather unexpectedly. He was sweet and kind, generous and loving, complimentary and caring, chivalrous and fun, very funny, emotionally intelligent and willing.
The list goes on and on.
I tried to have feelings of love for him, I tried to be attracted to him, and sometimes I actually was, but there was always this little contrary sensation in the back of my mind and in the back of my heart.
While lying next to him I would look at his face and think, “do I love this face? Can I grow to love this face? Is this the face of my children’s father? Am I in love with this man? Will those feelings grow with time? Should I just keep moving forward with him and be patient?”
But throughout, there was never a feeling of certainty. Never a feeling of YES!
After less than three months and despite all of my hopes for my feelings to change I called him last night to end it. My heart hurts so much for him, knowing that he’s in pain, but it also hurts for myself, knowing that yet again a relationship has come to an end.
Yet again, I am hurting and someone else is hurting because of me.
My question is this: What does a woman do when she has tried, and tried through breakup after breakup, being hurt and being the source of hurt?
I feel like retreating from the world because I don’t have much evidence that my dream of having a long-term, loving and committed relationship is possible.
I feel like retreating from the world where I can’t do any more damage to myself or others. I’ve scheduled an appointment with a therapist, am starting acupuncture, and planning a solo retreat to a hot spring. All I can think to do is nurture myself and give myself loving kindness and time.
I am feeling a professional pivot on the horizon for myself as well and am wondering if all of this non-workability in relationships is the universe’ (and my own intuition’s) way of communicating, “focus on yourself right now darling. It is not the right time to give of yourself in relationship.”
I would love your insight into how best to proceed, given the challenging year I’ve had in love.
- Jamie
My Response:
What does a woman do when she has tried and tried through breakup after breakup, being hurt and being the source of hurt?
She stops all the trying, Jamie. She stops all the struggling to figure it all out. She gives it all up. All the trying to figure it out. To understand why. To understand how. To understand why not.
She lets go.
Everything she doesn’t understand. Everything that doesn’t make sense. All the answers that were supposed to come. Everything it was supposed to be.
She lets it all go.
Because something beautiful happens in that stopping trying, in that letting go, in that giving up. When you’ve done everything you thought you were supposed to do, when you’ve tried it all – and then some. Even the things you were skeptical of but did anyway because they were supposed to work.
It wasn’t your path. It was someone else’s.
But it wasn’t for nothing. It wasn’t all for naught, Jamie. Because out of this, you’re going to find yours.
Your path. Your way. And a love like you’ve never experienced before.
For so many of us, this is the only way we get there.
We can only go so far with all the head knowledge, with all the advice, all the things we’re told to do. Someone else can only give us so much of what we should do before we need to come up with our own if we’re going to go any further.
It’s why we get so excited in the beginning thinking we’ve found the one magic solution to our problems. It’s why we’ll try almost anything if it feels like it might be our answer. We jump in with both feet, so eager for this promised formula to finally be the one that brings us everything we’ve been searching all our lives for.
Until we find the same thing we always find without knowing it’s the same thing we always find; that the answers were always within and not outside of ourselves.
I applaud you for making an appointment with a therapist, for starting acupuncture, for planning a solo trip to a hot spring. And for everything else each of these things is going to lead you to.
These are the steps we fail to notice. Because each and every one of these individual things on their own, never seem to be enough to write home about. Each of them always seems to come up short when what we’re really looking for is to put an end to the search, to be done with our singleness, to create a loving, long-term, committed relationship.
But only because we fail to see the moments along the way, only because we’re so focused on the final end result that we can’t see all that’s happening along the way.
You can’t know what’s going to happen next – what absolutely needs to happen next! –until you’ve taken that in between step.
Don’t count it for loss. It’s all in there.
Everything you need, everything that’s going to get you to where you truly want to be. It’s all going to be there for you, Jamie.
These first steps obviously resonated in some way. You found your way here because you felt something here, too. And so it will be the rest of the way.
Something else will come along, tap into your consciousness and show you another piece of the puzzle. And then another and another until you’ve got more pieces of the puzzle filled in. It may not seem like your answers, or at least the answers you thought you’d find, on the surface. But somewhere along the way, more and more will begin to fill in.
The spaces where there was nothing there before will begin to make sense in whole new ways.
Find what inspires you, what speaks to you, what feels right to you. Trust yourself enough to know if something is right for you, or simply someone else’s instead. And in the midst of this search, you discover you’re no longer the one doing the searching, you’re simply providing the space, the medium through which the love, the person, the experience you’ve been longing for, finds you!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this happen, Jamie. First, only wistfully, when I thought it was a fate for what seemed like everyone else except me, and then in my own life when I realized I had been searching for this same thing everywhere outside of myself but never once within me.
And now over and over again in the stories I hear from women just like you all over the world.
Be patient with the answers. Oh how they’ll come! Often in the most unexpected ways.
Not for someone else. But for you.
Keep taking those steps in the direction of what speaks to you, down the path that seems to be calling out your name. If you can’t feel that, just sit with it. Give it up. Let it go. Let it all fall into its rightful place without you trying to make it be.
Oh, I know this isn’t easy! If we could meet face to face, we could talk for hours about how difficult actually doing this, being this, can be. But we wouldn’t stop there.
We’d talk about how possible it is.
How much within your reach this is. How worth it you are! And then start from right here where you are.
One small, seemingly meaningless step at a time.
Because, Jamie, what you’re going through here, this is precisely how we get there!
Love,
Jane
I needed to re-read this today.
The question that gives title to this post is exactly what I've been asking myself this week.
I met a guy two weeks ago and although I wasn't really thinking of him as a date, I ended up feeling attracted to him which didn't happen with any of the men I intentionally went out on dates with. Talking with him was very easy and I felt like I didn't need to pretend or bend. It was a nice feeling and completely new for me because every time I was attracted to a guy in the past, I was riddled with anxiety, read: butterflies in my stomach, which made me contort to be what I thought he wanted and needed. This was not the case: I felt bubbly, happy, I was authentic and owned every bit of my actions. I felt like even though I liked him, I was ok with him not liking me, because I liked myself enough to carry on with my life. I felt more empowered, feminine, and playful.
He asked me out to dinner the next day and it was just as nice, he broke the touch barrier and we ended up kissing. It was lovely. The next day he invited me to his place and I felt more and more comfortable. We talked about anything and everything, we laughed, we got serious, we got playful, we got sweet, and everything in between. He quickly texted to say he loved being with me and he kept in touch. Everything was going well until the next day we were chatting and all of a sudden he said: "sorry if I don't text so much, I'd rather see you. Why chat or talk on the phone when there are no emotions and we can see each other?" I said I agreed that we didn't have to chat all day long, but that it was nice if he just sent one liners to say he was thinking of me or that he missed me, or good morning, or good evening, or things like that, to which he said: "I don't like sending good morning or good evening texts. It just becomes a habit and it's boring. I'd rather keep things more exciting for when we meet".
There wasn't anything inherently wrong with this, except my alarm bells went off. I immediately thought that if he volunteered this info, it meant he wasn't really serious about me.
However, he texted me almost every day that week with just one liners, sort of like to check in and I answered every time. Just initiated once.
The following weekend we were together again and he was as kind and sweet as the weekend before. However, he didn't kiss me hello on the lips, he went for the cheek. That made me wonder... then later he said he just didn't feel comfortable kissing in public... I thought it was rather strange because I wasn't in for a make-out hello, just a peck.
I did at some point mention that I really liked him, but that I didn't really know where he stood. I did this because we were starting to get really comfortable physically and, although I did want him, I was afraid of giving in just like that. He said: "well, what do you want me to say? I just met you a week ago". I did understand where he was coming from and I saw how reasonable it was of him to say that. After a few minutes, he told me how the last relationship he had was a mess because he met her and she just wanted to be fwb, but he wasn't ok with that and said it was either all in or nothing at all, then later she came around and they became boyfriend and girlfriend, but that six months in, he was transferred and they had to break up. She, of course, was very emotional and angry and she blamed him for her pain because she didn't want to get involved, but he insisted and then when she fell for him, he upped and moved, just like that. He felt very bad and guilty about it, and he said he didn't want to lead me on and hurt me. He also said that relationships were not a game to him, that he really put effort and commitment into them and he thought of them as more of a plan for the long haul, so he preferred to be careful.
I think in retrospect, it was kind of him to say this and to let me know. I appreciated that very much, but I couldn't help but fear being in the ugly place I've been in the past: falling for a man who had no interest whatsoever in me. I went along bubbly, and playful as if nothing, but in the back of my mind, I was still thinking negatively about the whole thing.
The next day we were playing and I got so carried away that I intended to go all the way physically with him. He went along with it, but after like a minute, he stopped and said he just didn't feel right about it, because he knew I wasn't ready and he didn't want to lead me on.
Again, I appreciated his honesty and his taking care of me, but I couldn't help but feel rejected, because my head went back to the last time something similar happened and that was such a horrific experience I had.
I left and then he texted saying he really loved being with me and that he hoped I got home safely, that I was an amazing girl and that he really respected me. I thought it was lovely and replied in kind. I thought I was overreacting getting sad and scared so quickly and that there was no reason for me to project my bad experiences onto him.
This week however he hasn't texted in four days and I just don't like the feeling of it. I think if a man is interested, he'll make his presence constant. I just have a bad feeling about all this. I wish I didn't like him this much.
Rationally speaking, I do think I'm overreacting and looking for red flags to avoid getting hurt, but my body can't help but feel sad and anxious and like I should preemptively start detaching and getting emotionally distant.
I don't understand how a rational thinker can go into full blown crazy making anxiety over small things when her feelings are somehow in danger of getting involved.
I started wondering if I will ever get to a place where I feel confident and secure 95% of the time to be able to have a healthy relationship with a man who's a great fit for me. It feels like it's very hard for me to go slowly emotionally.
Then that's especially why you NEED to go slow emotionally, Miranda. This is how you find out what's really there, what he's really about, and keep the focus on you and your own beautiful life instead of giving yourself away to someone who isn't truly worthy of you! This is how you change things to where you're the one doing the choosing instead of waiting to be chosen and then feeling rejected when you're not. He NEEDS to take the lead. Let him! Every him. He needs to pursue you, not the other way around. Otherwise, he wonders why you're willing to give away so much of yourself before you even really know him, before he's had a chance to win you over. That's why he loses interest or questions what he's doing, because it doesn't feel right to him that someone he thinks is worth taking the time to get to know doesn't view her own self that way. Change that, and you'll change this pattern and feel confident and secure like you never have before!
I apologize for the length in advance, I know this feeling all too well.
I feel like I've hit a brick wall. I've been through three painful heartbreaks just this year. One man was a friend who I knew from high school. I wasn't really attracted to him initially, but I grew to love him through the intense chemistry we had. I still love him deeply and I know he loves me too. He just did not know how to treat a woman like me so I rolled out. He went MIA alot, he seemed to care about me and did nice things for me but he had a hang up about my physical appearance ( I was 70 pounds heavier then) yet he always found himself drawn to me for some reason. I knew he was dating/sleeping with other women and it was painful to be in friend position but have romantic feelings for someone. I had to stop answering the phone/texts and I deleted him off of all of my social media. I needed to find something better than someone who only wanted to be my friend when I know I wanted so much more. His energy was draining me.
So I dated a few more jerks through the year, the last one really threw me off. He was this super handsome, super tall Spanish man who really had me going. I'll admit, we did sleep together pretty soon (I regret this deeply) but I got caught up in the games, wanting to believe he was different. We were super physically attracted to each other, he told me wanted a relationship at first, we talked for hours, went on a boat cruise together, went out a few times, then the third week in, all of a sudden the texts dropped off, he'd come to see me then leave in the middle of our date to go with his co-workers then he come back to me (or not). He would say he was on the way, and one time he showed up two hours late, then rolled out with his "coworkers" again and left me hanging for the night. He disappeared at night alot. I'd text or call and they'd go unanswered or he would hit me up in the morning claiming that he was asleep. He went out of town for a week for the holiday and told me we'd spend more time together when he came back. That did not happen. Everytime I tried to see him or contact him, he would take forever to get back to me if at all sometimes. Then he started telling me he was a busy man, he had family in town, he was in and out of town, and the first time he came back in town and had a free night, I asked to see him and he told me he was going to hang with his co-workers again and told me he would see me, maybe, afterwards which could have been 1 or 2 in the morning. I was crushed. He told me he wanted to date me only, that he did not juggle women, but the whole time I could see his open Instagram page which totally contradicted much of what he was telling me.
I was hurt and angry. I felt the obvious brush off and he kinda disappointed me. I felt like an afterthought. This was the 4th time in a row he'd pushed me off or cut our time short for his coworkers. I knew it was time to go. I told him I could not continue to date someone who was constantly unavailable. He got mad and threw it in my face that I was not his girlfriend and he was fine if I did not want to date anymore. He went there so easily.
After a few nasty text message exchanges between us, I ended it when he finally found the time to call me for five minutes. Phone calls with him were rare, and when I could get him on the phone they were short.
We met on a dating site, so after this man told me he did not want a relationship and that he was busy, I went back online.
After that night, he sent me a text the next morning and got mad at me because he saw me active on the site again. (Which also means he was also online to be able to see me on the site!!!! Unreal!!!)
So he tried to use that as a reason to (drop me) although I'd made up my mind the night before.
He was super good looking so yes, I did let him get away with more than I should have. I actually did like him as well. He was sweet, he cooked for me, helped me do things around the house, he was attracted to me and made me feel wanted and beautiful. And in an instant, he flipped it on me. First he was a relationship guy, and a homebody and he wanted to be serious, then he told me we had "fun" together and he did not do relationships, and he started being MIA and he was really mean and short when I tried to get answers out of him. He even called me crazy, told me I needed to chill out we were just getting to know each other and that he did not want to rush into anything.
Wow!
He became a real jerk all of a sudden. That handsome face of his became a non-factor. He tried to make me feel as though I ruined something, but the whole time he never had good intentions toward me at all.
I found out later that he was dating someone, I let him know too and he still tried to lie his way out of it and he called me crazy for calling him out.
After this, I tried dating a few others who I did not like at all, I even tried to have a benefits arrangement with a guy who I knew was a low life and he stood me up three times!
Then I did the unthinkable. I contacted the first guy, the one I actually had feelings for again.
I'd cut him off in the summer, but I felt like it was time to address my issues with him. Despite our issues, I still somehow cared about him and wondered if he even thought about me. I know if I continued to hate him, I could not properly move on with anyone else. I thought I'd be met with animosity from him because of how I ignored him and blocked him out of my life. But surprisingly, he gave me the greatest gift, something I needed.
One, he answered when I reached out. Then he admitted that he'd missed me and cared about me still. Despite our hang ups with one another, that meant alot to me through the things I'd been through with other guys who made me feel like garbage, worthless garbage.
So right now, I'm an emotional mess and I'm working to get back to me. I'm focusing on my health, focusing on my faith, on my business, on my career, family and friends, and most of all, on forgiveness.
I wish I had an answer, but all I can offer is my experiences to you ladies. I'm still learning, one day at a time.
I so needed this article today and the opportunity to vent.
I'm going to stop looking as well and just live my life, love myself, and focus on my blessings right now.
I'm sorry you had to go through this, DeeDee.
I understand all too well what it feels like to have someone treat you like an afterthought.
I could recognize some things in your post and I would like you help somehow, see if what my problem was might also be yours.
When I read your stories with these two characters, what I read between the lines is: you don't value yourself. You don't feel at the core that you deserve a loving, healthy relationship with a great man. That's underneath all that. At least that's what was at the root of my experiences.
You put up with being friendzoned because it felt safer for you and you thought waiting around, being nice to him was going to make him change his mind. It took me a lot of journaling and meditation to arrive at this myself in my own stories.
You mentioned the looks of the other guy who mistreated you twice: you felt like because a handsome man picked you, you had to put up with his crap because deep down, you felt lucky and amazed that someone this good-looking chose to be with you. He sensed it and he walked all over you.
I may be wrong in what I'm reading into, but it just resembles so much what I went through.
I don't you if that's your case, but maybe you can have a look at that. Your self-esteem, sense of self-worth, your beliefs around love and men and your actual feelings and reactions to them. It's quite enlightening when we look at this. It was the key for me to turn this around. You can have a beautiful relationship, we really can, but there are things we need to be aware of first in order to be able to recognize healthier men.
Good luck.
Yes Angel! You are sooooooo right. I realized this after sitting down and really getting my thoughts together. I'm working on that right now!
Thank you soo much for your kind and healing words. They were very helpful.
I'm so glad I was able to help a little, DeeDee.
All I can wish for right now is for every woman in the world to realize how precious she is and to stop putting up with bad behavior from others.
Writing down what comes to us and feeling our feelings to be able to label them really helps get to the bottom of the issue for sure. It lets us know what our specific situation is, because we may have similar experiences, but each of us might give different meanings to them. Keep going DeeDee. It's tough, but it's worth it.
Wow, reading all the comments regarding Jamie's email is heart breaking. I've had quite a journey of broken hearts and breaking hearts. It's been heart wrenching and super sad. What's amazing is that it has all been right inside this whole time. Let me explain. I've been recently introduced to meditation and healing the negative voices by replacing them with I am loved, I am loveable, I am beautiful regardless of how I felt that day. I have to say it really works. I felt these same feelings mentioned above of how exhausted they all are in trying to find mr. right when right in front of you is the answer. It's just that we don't feel worthy even though outwardly we might appear to walk it but not actually think it. You do not feel worthy of a Mr. right only perhaps a for right now. I had to take a deep and close look at what was the constant and that was me. I didn't realize I had created an unconscious internal dialogue that was negative about who I am and that me was not worthy on a very deep unconscious level of a meaningful and beautiful relationship. I was the creator of my universe. I now know that what ever happens is right now that the future is the future and the past is just that, it's the past and the past does not define me. I am here and now and I love me and I am loveable and I am beautiful and I am a great catch, and now is amazing regardless of what my future needs are. The future is just that. Today and right now is what matters. Be whole within yourself and the world will come to you. It has with me. I have never felt better and freer than now, right now. Thank you Jane for supporting us and giving such amazing insight to a truer power that is within side us all. It's all right there in front of you today. You just have to believe you are worthy, by saying I am worthy, I am amazing just say these when some negative thought wants to eek in the mind just scare it away with a positive thought about yourself. I'm believing we all have true bliss inside us all - we just need to tap into it. The rest WILL follow. Jane your comments completely resonate with me in conjunction with my daily meditations. It's all been crazy how your link came to me during this time and how it all syncs together for me. I really can't thank you enough and for sharing other's journeys. I bless you all on your journey and wish you complete happiness right now and always. Namaste!!!
I'm so glad this is all resonating with you, Sam. Thank you for your oh so kind words. We always find what we do - and when we do! - for a reason! Thank you for contributing your beautiful take on all this in your own words. Oh how the rest DOES follow! 🙂
I love reading your articles and your posts in response to reader's comments. You have a gift that I am very glad you are sharing with the world. I don't remember how I came across you and that doesn't particularly matter anyway but clearly as the saying goes when the student is ready the teacher appears. I suspect that means each and every one of us here is on the right path however windy and rocky it may feel at times. I personally have never felt more in alignment with my inner guidance system than I have since letting go. Or at least allowing the possibility of letting go. Wonderful stuff is occurring in my life these days. I feel that it is possible (and indeed likely) that one day that will be a quality man who I am attracted to who is on the same page as me. Funny though it is not a high priority at the moment. Perhaps that is the key ... 🙂
Thank you, Paula, for your beautiful words. For me, and for all of us, it's so inspiring to catch this glimpse of the other side of the hardest thing we ever think we have to do - let go. How how I concur with you on that alignment that so unexpectedly happens when we trade our fear of letting go in for the wings we find within ourselves when we finally do. I could go on and on - and forgive me if I sometimes do 🙂 - but it's this feeling, this experience I want for all of us when we allow the struggle within around "but I don't want to have to!" to be replaced with the peace of "I'm worth more". You've absolutely found the key! And yet here again is the irony that you can't skip to this step and make it your key, it's the process that you go through to get to this point within yourself that makes it the key, and that is something each of us has to come to for ourselves.
Very touching information, the truth . I feel it, rings some bells somewhere in my love life. I am in the Stop searching mode ,being Still.
A very beautiful place to be, Rinky. Thank you for sharing - and for being here and being you. There's always a reason we feel the things we do.
WOW! I am in tears reading this. I am 41 and have been single for 9 years. I desperatly want to be a wife and I tried everything in my power to get there. But 2 weeks ago I realized that I was emotionally drained and physically exhausted from the dating, the searching, the reading, the advice etc. I am mourning the fact that I may never find the One but I just couldn't continue doing it. Maybe I am destined to be single forever, and you know what it sucks but that is fine. If that is what life hands me I will deal with it. I am now going to focus on me - my heath, my happiness, my career, my dreams and goals. All the time and energy I spent on dating are going to go back into me now.
THANK YOU for this article. I thought I was alone but I know I am not.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Ahalya. Oh you are so not alone! And what you are feeling, what you are sensing, is showing you the way through!
Oh I hear you, Jamie. It's exactly how I feel every now and then. In my case though, I feel like I'm not really trying. I just feel like I am, but I'm not.
I've gone out on a couple of dates but out of the almost 10 dates I've had (which is a little too few for like 6 months), only one was me interested in getting to know the guy further but he didn't feel the same way I guess since he didn't contact me afterwards. The rest of the dates it was usually me who was not feeling it.
I felt somehow that I was doing it out of obligation because to be honest, I didn't find any of those good men attractive. I just thought I had to still give them a chance because they were interested and well, I couldn't see anything wrong with them except the lack of attraction on my part.
I have stopped going out on dates because I stopped paying for the membership on that online dating site.
Some days I struggle with my own feelings of not good enough coming at me, my fear of intimacy and making a mistake yet again falling for the wrong man, and some days I just feel like I'm not into meeting anybody. I don't know if that's me making excuses to keep feeling safe in my singleness and that causes me to not meet anybody I'm attracted to.
Reading Jane's response, when she said: let go, I felt relief. After exploring that, I realized that one of the myriad of unconscious thoughts I had was that I had to be different and try hard to get and keep a relationship. I hadn't realized it felt like that to me. Apparently I have spent my whole life trying to be perfect, to micromanage my every word and move and maybe that's why no guy approaches me when I go out.
Wow, I'm rambling!
Anyway, I agree with Jane. We need to just stop trying. Have some rest and let the chips fall where they may. I'm going to have some trouble doing that because quite frankly, I don't know much of who I am without all this programming. One super slow step at a time.
Take that feeling you experienced when you felt that relief, Angel, and let that be your guide. That's your litmus test. That's how you know if you're on the right path, or if there's some fine tuning to do. Love your ramblings. They speak to that beautiful inner process that this journey is all about. Most of us have no idea of "who I am without all this programming". Realizing this is what makes those super slow steps so worth it. Waking up, seeing what we only went through the motions with before, is what now, this - however much we resist it, is all about.
This is my life (well non love life) to be more specific... and honestly Im sick to death of it .. chasing the 8 ball .. Im 46 years old and the dating prospects are all but grim ...So Iam hunkering down for the next while and renovate my house ! ...
oh Lisa, this is when it begins to change! When we're "honestly sick to death of it!" So stop chasing the 8 ball, hunker down and do what you need to do for you! Renovate the beautiful space of a house you're creating to let all the love in the world in. With eyes wide open you're going to see all that's been waiting your whole life for you!
Lisa I applaud you! I am 44..and agree it isn't as easy as it once was. I do think treating yourself to a project is so healing!
And Jane..I hope you are correct...it seems as though men in their 40's are non existent. Yet a plethora of boys in their 20's and "geriatric gigolos" seems to be the ones pursuing ??