I'm always struck by how much my clients and I have in common. Nowhere is this more evident than on the topic of unconditional love.
Ask any practical, logical person about it and they will have undoubtedly tell you that unconditional love is only something experienced by a parent towards a child. That it's not possible in any other relationship because it would require someone to be capable of loving someone else regardless of who they are or what they do or don't do.
And that, they would go on to say, isn't something we humans are truly capable of.
A religious or spiritual person would say that God - or what God represents to us - is the only one capable of truly loving us unconditionally. But for those of us who refuse to believe that unconditional love doesn't exist, no amount of logic or practical standpoints can quite shake the belief inside us that it does indeed exist.
But herein is my point: This is the precise reason why we're searching for it.
We never received it as a child. We never truly felt it as a child. We saw through the words that may have even been spoken in love, to the actions that told a different story, to our sensitively tuned hearts and souls.
We felt the conditionality of that love, we sensed what they required of us to be loved and unlike the others who gave up on it and went their own ways, we tried and we tried and we tried to reconcile being ourselves with being loved by him or her or them.
Except that when it couldn't be done, when it came down to either/or, not both, as a child who so needed that love to be whole, we chose their love over being true to ourselves.
And so we're still here, searching and chasing after anything that vaguely feels like it might be what we're still looking for – unconditional love.
It doesn't matter what they say – it only matters what we feel. And what we feel is that somehow, some way, we have to be good enough for someone to love us like we know in our heart of hearts we deserve to be loved.
So we chase after anything and everything that resembles it. This is why we have the capacity to love even when there is no love, to keep giving even when we're getting so little – or nothing – back in return.
This is why we can call anything love, because it feels just like what we've been so used to calling love our entire lives.
That's the search we're on.
Not the love between equals, where both people have their own likes and dislikes, their own individual preferences and the relationship can withstand having both speak their own truths. That doesn't feel like love to us.
No, our version of love - and thus the one we're searching for - runs so much deeper than that.
It has such extreme highs and lows, it has drama, and blame, and punishment, and banishment, and all kinds of other extremes. It's so very complicated, so filled with intensity and then nothingness at every turn.
Everything is dependent on performance – ours. And every performance needs to be the performance of our lives.
From the highest heights, to the lowest of lows, we rise and we fall even as the ones in our lives tell us in everything but words that we're not actually lovable at all.
It's why we can say and mean the words when we find ourselves saying, pleading, whether it's out loud or under our breath in words too afraid to be expressed: Aren't I loveable? Aren't I worth your love? Isn't there anything lovable in me?
Don't ask it of them, Beautiful.
If you have to ask, if there's any question of this, then this is the great mirror reflecting back what is deeply missing here. They don't have the right to judge your lovability. Don't give away your power like this. You're lovable simply because you're here.
Don’t look to a mere human to decide if you're worthy enough to be.
What you'll get back will only be a reflection of how deep down they view themselves. It won't be your answer. It will only be a reflection of what they see.
But put them in a position of power where you assign them all yours, and they'll give you the answer that reflects their own inability to love themselves, or anyone else. Don't do that to your beautiful self!
We've got to learn to stop chasing the ones who will never be what we want them to be. We've got to accept them as they are. Accept their inability to receive us for the beautiful hearts and souls we are, and instead learn to see ourselves for what we're looking for from them.
Yes, there's unconditional love to be found. But it's not where you're looking.
It's within. Not somewhere outside of you.
Whatever you believe in spiritually, bring that love in for you. Within you, not outside of you.
There's a reason it can't be explained away and deduced to some logical or practical explanation that could ever be enough of an explanation for you. Because you are the one so finely tuned and in touch with your sensitive inner most self, that you sense it's possibility, you believe in its existence even as you're told otherwise.
How could it be otherwise? You always, always, know.
Hi Jane
It's been quite sometime since I wrote to your wonderful website. Well, I tried getting out again, meeting men. Well, it did not go over too big... It was in a bar/restaurant. Not the type of place I frequent - but a friend wanted to go. By a friend's urging she said, look there's a guy I think would be good for you. I said, well if he's interested let him come over to me. She kept egging me on to talk to him. I never do that..Never. But! I did. I felt so uncomfortable. You could see he was not interested and not make much eye contact. So, HE said goodnight and left. I was mortified. So much for being a forward woman. NEVER AGAIN... So, I sat down and over comes a gentleman. I was not attracted to nor wanted to have a conversation. You could see he was drinking and a for me THAT'S A TOTAl; TURNOFF. I tried politely to say I was going home with my friend who dragged me there. He wanted so badly to speak, and I trly felt out of my comfort zone with him and the bar scene. God it's not me.... It came to me this morning - your famous quote "You just are not one the same page." Jane - I think something is wrong with me though. I don't seem to attract men most of the time - and if so they are usually those who I'M NOT INTERESTED....THEY ARE NOT HEALTHY ENOUGH. Too long to go into that - but those men are usually brazen enough to approach me whereas a healther type of man never does.... It really has me thinking. My friend in the car said, you should laugh more. I said, I usually laugh with someone when we are on the same page...I had nothing in common with these two.... Oh, Jane. I don't want to be something I'm not....Just me. No pretending to be something else to attract a man. A good man, healthy in body, soul and mind. I just don't know.
So here's my question for you, Denise. What is your page? What does it look like? What does it feel like? Where do you find someone else who's on that same page? What's he doing? Where's he going? And most important of all, is it really your page, or someone else's? You are so right to never take anyone's "rejection" of you personally; it is all about being on the same page, but sometimes we need to define our own page even if we thought we knew it before, to make sure it's the one we're still on. Don't try. Be. We forget that part, too!
It's fascinating how our negative self talk and views of the world were created in our brains so young. To "undo" it by creating a positive inner voice and refusing to listen to the negative one comes a lot easier to me now. Im so grateful to Jane for that! Though, some days are tougher, I just remind myself that on those days it's just old thoughts or memories that are clouding my brain, they're not powerful unless I let them be, they're just thoughts, not beliefs, and the best part -- NONE of these negative thoughts are the truth. This would be the advice I give anyone going through this process and recognizing how important it is to have a good relationship with yourself.
I do a self-love exercise everyday, I stay positive and happy, I feel so proud of myself and grateful that Ive taken down so many road blocks I built myself in the past that stopped me from loving myself and allowing someone to love me the way I deserve to be. Ive been pursuing and exploring so many passions and it's been fun, raises my confidence, and creates so much happiness in my life. Im so incredibly grateful for this journey, I feel like the end product of having a happy and healthy relationship with myself has enhanced my life in all facets!
But, to be perfectly honest... sometimes I get so annoyed with the journey because in addition to a happy and healthy relationship with myself I also want a happy and healthy relationship with the man who possesses the values and qualities I know I want, need, and deserve. I know and truly believe this person exists and one day we'll love each other unconditionally; and most days im too busy loving myself, enjoying my life, and pursuing my passions to notice im still alone, but on other days I couldn't be more frustrated/obsessed with the "when." When will this man show up? When will all of my hard work be completely paid off? When do I get to hear that positive talk not only from myself, but from him too?
Any suggestions on how to deal with that?
I so hear you, Julie. I know it can so hard to not be finding this right now when you feel like you're so ready yourself! It can help to see the qualities you're looking for - even if it's only one or two - in the men you see around you, in the men you associate with, in the men you observe, in the men you pay attention to. Notice what that looks like in real time, in real life. Look at people around you in their everyday lives, and just notice the ones who have even any of these qualities and values you desire to make this become more real for you. Write to him. Tell him you're ready for him. Ask him about himself. Remember the imaginary boyfriend exercise? Revisit that. Pick one thing do to different from what you're already doing different. Try a different kind of place to go to that you've always been curious about. Try on-line dating to see what it feels like for you! And most of all, find a spiritual practice that allows you to live your life with a sense of peace about where you are right now, in this present moment. Remember to be so gentle with yourself here. It's ok to love some things about the journey but be so frustrated and annoyed with it sometimes, too. You're human. And so is he.
Thank you so much for this website and all the time and effort you put into it. Very recently I read your article about how your actions speak louder than words. Absolutely spoke to me. So my question is that... I have a couple things of his and a couple things of mine at his place. How do I go about to getting my stuff back?
Are you comfortable just asking for it? Telling him you'd like to exchange your things and then setting up a time to do this? If not, you can always casually reach out to him to let him know a friend is going to come by and pick up your things and drop his off - and then set up a time with your friend that works for both of them. Being as clear as you can be without playing games is the best way to be, Sam. After all, what's done is already done, now it's just about your stuff, if that is all that it's about.
Thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad these are speaking to you!
Hello, i have really great parents still going strong, and have been married 60 years, ,to gether since thy were 16yrs, and are know 85 and 84yrs, i so poses i look for the great love thy have had , thy both lost both parents young ,so had to go it alone, with only the two of them, and thy did a great job with me and my two sisters, it is so had when you have been loved so strong and to always stick together we all bought houses next to them and live in a lovely small village in the lake district uk, my husband died 4yrs ago, and he was wonderful, and left me looking so hard for the great love we shared, i love being in a couple and feel lost with out a partner, i have been seeing a widower but he is very set in his ways, and does not seem to need love as much as me, we live apart by 10miles, and talk every day ,and get together at week ends he is happy ,with this i am not, it makes me feel un loved.
yes love is within ourself.. bt sometime, there cms a person who help u to lovw yourself.. to discover urself... u don't find any doubts nymore about lv... n u r nt afraid of nything anymore.... thts d unconditional love.. I never knew till I found it... 🙂
I'm so happy for you that you've found it, Sumita. Thank you so much for sharing! 🙂
This was so deep, made me remember the times when I was with him alone, out of the world and reality, how I felt careless, safe and warm, like a little girl taken care of by my father. We met at one point of a time, we recognized each other - and our need to be unconditionally accepted and loved by someone. As we both had the "never satisfied and always expecting" parent: for me, it was my mother, for him, his father. Just " perfect". And I suppose we both were not able to get over the presence of this influence, to de-attach and move on with our own lives, disregarding what others think and say. Yes, it was so complex.... I know it was not just him, and that we were almost the same in this way. This probably has kept us alive in our own very special world, while our parents were still the main people in charge, fighting the reality of life.
After reading this, I have asked myself: could I have continued this kind of life, fighting the constant disapproval, getting as much of what he was able to give? Was my unhappiness caused only by the external disapproval? Was the life and terms he sticked to really enough for me? Maybe both, but at one point of time I think I have realized I needed more, and that something has shifted from within. This goes so deep, so way back, almost not to wish to go there and think of the past, while thinking about the presence, and the future.
Thank you, Jane!
And that's the question it always comes back to, SB. Could you have continued on like this? It's these questions that give us our own answers, our own truths, more than anyone outside of ourselves ever can. So glad this resonated with you. It's one I've been pondering for awhile, since it's comes up so often in my coaching practice. "Just perfect" indeed. But can we live with him being who he is? And more importantly, can we live with ourselves being with him like this? Thank you for sharing, SB. I so hear your process!
This post is very clearly but very subtly interwoven with insight and thoughtful twists .My mind had been meandering down the same alleys recently but without settling on any conclusions. I have recently disengaged from a relationship in which my partner accepted not being emotionally ready having difficulty expressing her emotions . This was possibly due to her own abandonment in childhood in a family where growing and receiving love was conditional on success.
However during the same time I would like to think I was capable of adopting the poise you suggest , but predictably fell short before slipping into co- dependancy with an ambivalently attached partner .
I felt unloved by her but when the same crushing emotions came back to haunt me ( less than - self esteem issues and the like) I realized part of it must go back to childhood a good deal of which I can't remember . Ultimately we went our separate ways both learning we had issues to settle . This post has underlined those lessons in a fluid meaningful way , taking on board a number of influences and perspectives - thanks again for posting -- Julien
Thank you, Julien; this was my hope in writing this piece. That you would take what resonates with you as you "meander down those alleys", as you so aptly put it, and apply whatever insight it gives you to your own journey. This is where the reality picks up where the fantasy leaves off and we're left with two imperfect human beings. What do each of them do? Where do each of them go? What do each of their actions say about what they can truly live with and what they can't? Are they truly compatible? We each do what we need to do for ourselves, whether it appears to come from a deep need within us, or as simply a triggered reaction to the here and now. For to know and be known in this space can be such an uncomfortable place, waking us up to our own reality that we never were aware of before.
For me, the idea of unconditional love hadn't been something I knew or had an opinion on. In fact, I started thinking about it as late as last year.
It feels like one of those things that is like a unicorn. It's magical, ideal, beautiful, but in practice, I'm not sure there's such thing in a world like ours.
Somehow, there will always be boundaries. You might love someone, but if they cross your boundaries, you'll walk away from that. I am coming to terms with that, with the fact that my well being has to come first, before any love I might feel for someone else.
When I think about those times I thought I was in love, I question if I did love them or not. I feel I didn't know how to love at all because I was blind to how I was mistreated. I was too concerned about getting them to like me and love me by being a perfect girl and I see now that unconsciously, I was trying to manipulate them into loving me. So I figure, it wasn't love really. I don't know what love is besides concepts to be honest. I'm sure I feel it or have gotten it in some way from my parents, but I honestly don't know what it is anymore. I think maybe the easiest example to come up with is my pets. I loved those furry friends, but again, different species and it's too easy to love them.
I have to admit I still feel lost when it comes to the actual feeling and action. I have many theories but not sure how to practice them.
I guess in time I might discover what it is. For now, I'll continue trying to accept myself as I am.
I love your posts, Jane, but I'm a bit lost on this one. Maybe because the idea of it is so foreign to me 🙁
Yes, Angel, our pets provide us with a ready example of this kind of love. This one is a deep one. And you're not alone; it's a concept foreign to so many of us! Most of us haven't given this subject a lot of thought, so it's meant to give us something to think about when considering the way we love and why. Take what resonates with you, sit with the rest. Sometimes when we don't know what it is we're chasing, when we don't understand why, this is what lies under the surface, waiting for us to see it for what it is. Other times, it's when we can't accept someone's humanness because it reminds us too much of our own. And then there are the times when we get lost in our search for the potential of someone else, which is really our search for our own potential if only someone will give us a chance to show all we have to offer them.
As I was reading this post, I thought about pets, how they love unconditionally. Anyone who has a pet will agree. I heard a man say one day, that his wife put her hand on his shoulder and said, "I find no fault in you." He said her words lifted him up in such profound way. In others words, she was choosing to love him just as he was. I have never forgotten those words, "I find no fault in you." I realized that is what unconditional love must be like. To love and accept a person just as they are without having the desire to change them. I am a Christian so I know the Lord loves me unconditionally, so I can strive to love others the same. Is it always easy, no, but possible yes. Thank you Jane for your insight. You encourage us to look within, and discover for ourselves, the beautiful woman inside.
Oh how they do, Anne-Marie. Thank you for bringing our furry little unconditionally loving ones to mind. They show us such a beautiful version of this type of love. She's always there, that beautiful woman inside, even when we forget who she is.
Hey Jane,
As always a truly accurate piece of writing and I am finally on the right page. I know the true unconditional love is from within me and if I do love my complete self then I will take care of me and I haven't been. Last week I had a light bulb moment and since then I've noticed I am back in touch with me!
I'm eating better and I am exercising again and I go around with a smile, not a fake one but genuine . I'm not focussing my time and my love on the outside I am focussing more on what is coming from the inside and I'm loving it. I have to focus my energy and well being on me and not just give out my love and want it back in abundance from those that might be feeding off the all giving me, the me that is so easy going and flexible to her own detriment.
I'm going to re-read your article again because some parts take more than one read to absorb. However, I do get it ☺?
So glad to hear this, Suzy. Always remember that this is a process! We don't unlearn these deeply ingrained patterns that took so long to learn overnight. But with gentleness and compassion for ourselves as we walk through to these new ways of seeing, these subtle changes begin to unfold, one step at a time. This was a deep one. 🙂 For you to take and apply in whatever way most resonates with you.
I Dd hear n read each and every touching story it got me wondered on what went wrong in ma life cz I was never bittern or find ma man cheating on me. But we broke up withought a reason I dnt have freinds I only have ma son I have sisters but I don't have is it me or wht
The very best place to start is always with ourselves, Sonto. Not to focus on what's "wrong" with us, but on what we need most, what patterns we see, what our stories are all about, and where we want to go from where we are right now. Start with just one thing, doing one thing different every in the direction of your dreams, your goals, your plans. It's not in the giant leaps that most of us find our answers, but in the smallest steps we take to explore a different way.
i'm a christian n i believe in god. there's this guy i really like and i've known him for nearly 5 years in a friend. i would like to go to the next step with him in going out casually 1-1 n i feel he doesn't have much friends but only a few.
i feel god gave me him and saved the friendship and made it last. when he comes online i get tempted to talk to him. i feel he is everything i want/need in a guy and i feel he could be Mr Perfect/Right. i find he's a ladies man n gets along with the ladies.
if he was to be my BF 1 day i would feel like he the perfect 1 and i'm gonna leave it upto him to do the honours in asking me out. i've been enjoying his company when i do get to see him.
i told my best friend who knows him for a few years she reckons he's a friend of a friend n if i scare him away then he may not go gardening anymore. i said to her Would he make a good BF n she said maybe. i said to another friend about it n she says that leave it like as friendships n take it further when things are right
i feel there should be more than just gardening. i feel like i need a day 1-1 going to the coffee shop/cinemas so i can know more about him. idk what Qs i can ask about him in knowing more about him?
how can i open a convo on FB n see him without scaring him away which is the last thing i want and i don't want him to delete me on FB but god says he won't delete me if he's known me for 5 years.
Listen to your own instincts here, Courtney. If you're afraid that initiation a conversation on FB will scare him away to the extent that he might delete you, I'd listen to that. We always know more than we think we do, more than we give ourselves credit for. When we can trust ourselves as much as we trust something outside of ourselves, everything else begins to fall into place.