It happened to me.
And it happens to every one of us every time we're not honest with the one person who always gets her way in the end; our true selves.
We can't live a lie.
We can't pretend we can do this if we can't. We can't go along with someone else's terms if they're in conflict with our own. We simply can't do this because something deep down inside us won't let us.
It's the real you.
It's the you that knows what you deserve, what you can't settle for, who understands what you're signing up for by pretending you can make this work for you. It's that part of you that's always looking out for you, guiding you, showing you the way as much as you're open to seeing it.
I thought I had it all figured out.
I knew exactly the type of man I wanted, what he looked like, what he acted like, what he would be like, but there was one part I missed completely. The part I could actually live with!
If he had the qualities I thought I had to have, I would overlook so many other things that mattered so much more in the end. But then, I didn't know. I convinced myself I could do this. I found myself becoming whatever I sensed he wanted me to be instead of being true to the real me.
His terms were my terms.
What I got from him in terms of the feeling like I was something so incredible when I was with him made everything else I put up with seem like it was almost worth it at the time.
Almost.
But like the stories I hear every day from so many of you, almost is never enough.
Almost might as well be not at all, because when we settle for "almost", we're missing out on the real thing, which makes "almost" nothing at all.
I didn't know what I could live with and what I couldn't.
I only knew what it felt like to come alive when he looked at me, to feel like I could do and be anything when he held me in his arms, and to feel like I was worth everything when he chose to seek me out of anyone he could have chosen.
But it all meant nothing without the consistency and security of a real life commitment to back it up.
As much as I convinced myself I could do this, even if I didn't realize this was exactly what I was doing, when my own heart's desire was for one thing and his was for another, eventually it all came crashing down right through my breaking heart.
But to have stopped somewhere along the way when his calls became fewer and farther between, when his texts disappeared to next to nothing, when he began to disappear for short period of time, and asked myself "Can I live with this?" Can I live with our relationship being like this? Can I live with him pulling back so much like this? What a difference that would have made!
I could have given him space. I could have focused more on me. I could have lived my life for me instead of living it for his attention for me. But then, too, I would have had to answer that same question; is this still working for me?
And that's why, if you do only one thing for yourself in whatever situation you're in, make it this one. Ask yourself this one question every night before you go to bed, every morning when you wake up, until you get the whole point of why this little exercise works so well:
What can I live with?
It's not only about whether it's working for you, it's about you feeling back in control of your life. It's about you taking your own beautiful power back and choosing whether to continue as things are or to make a change or more for you.
It keeps you from going under, from giving more power away than you can easily get back. It keeps you strong, it keeps you holding your own, standing on your own two feet.
It keeps you remembering who you are - the only you there ever is unless you forget your truth.
Can you live with this? Can you live like this?
And if not, what can you live with? What do you need to change for you?
Make this one all yours, Beautiful. No matter how much you want it, it can't be what you want it to be unless it works for you!
I appreciate this post very much, and it occurs to me that many of us gals may push men away, subconciously, for just this reason. We think we want someone but we know it really isn't going to work out, so we push until they walk away. An "I can't end it but I know you can, so let's take that route" solution, so we can get it over with, start healing and move on.
Hi Jane, I'm doing better and healing and taking one day at a time. I'm focusing on my health and me. I've got my power back and my energy is on me, not on someone who is wrong for me. Thank you for your lovely article. I've being seeing a therapist and it has helped me to see I"m not crazy. Just a normal human with feelings. She told me don't change who I am, just be look for the red flags and listen to my gut instincts.
"She told me don't change who I am, just be look for the red flags and listen to my gut instincts." - The wisest words, Shelley, and so true. No, not crazy; just "a normal human" but with the most beautiful hearts and souls that feel everything so deeply and love just like that, too. So glad you're getting such wonderful help to see this for yourself. You deserve nothing less.
Every time I read one of Jane's articles, I am encouraged. I feel like I'm finally seeing the forest through the trees. I see things more clearly and it's so liberating. I'm sixty years old and I want to live out my remaining years happy, whether I have a man in it or not. I currently have three male friends in my life, just friendships and that's okay. Out of the three, one could develop into something more over time.
These articles and Jane's program has helped me to realize that I can have healthy loving relationship, and not settle for less. I am treating myself well and enjoying it. Life is good, and I feel truly blessed.
Thank you for your kind words, Anne-Marie. That you're seeing this so clearly for yourself - the power to choose you! - is so inspiring. Look at that - you've found three!! 🙂
Such a comfort to listen to your videos and read the actilces posted I have been on my own for seven years and have been in two relationships in that time and withdrawn from them due to knowing I deserve better and I am worth more as a person , but now my life is in a head spin as I have met someone who understands who I am and actually saw the real me , he has been away overseas for 8 weeks we have been in contact and he asked me to please stay in touch and what perfume I liked so he could do.some pleasureable duty free shopping , I last messaged him on 1st sept i know hes read my message he last sent me a message on 22 august saying I will tell you all the details when i get back , thing is i don't know when he is due back , My brain has gone into negative mode , I feel lost
Deidre, it seems like you're answering the question, "Can you live with this?" If the answer is yes, you'll have to put up with his indifference and absence. If the answer is no, you get to move on and do you. If I may say, answer important questions and gently make a decision; not making a decision only escalates anxiety.
Take that comfort, Deidre. It's comforting because in your heart of hearts, you know your own truth. Find you! Whatever he has going on is his stuff, not yours. Be you! Be your own beautiful self. Create your own beautiful life in spite of what he does or doesn't do. When you take back the role of validating you that you've given to him, you'll find yourself again. You have so much to give, so much to offer - you don't need anyone else's permission to be you!
Absolutely true. It's the question I refer to every time I find myself thinking about what others want, think or might say. What do I want? How do I feel? Can I live like this? And then I'm whole again, I'm taking care of me again. It's such a relief.
Yes, Angel. Such a relief!
This is an absolute truth. What can I live with? I'm 70 and from London UK. I loved my partner very much he is 68. . Last year he relocated to Israel. He is a wonderful man but is plagued with terrible mood swings. So at my time of life I was given an LDR and vacations where he,d change like the British weather. I AM still beautiful- but girls despite missing him like crazy everyday- I walked out on him on vacation this July. What can I live with? NOT THIS. Discover your strength and find your self respect- you're worth it. Love Norma
Thank you for sharing, Norma. You've summarized this so succinctly. "What can I live with?" - Exactly!
As much as it hurts me, as much as in this moment I'm so sad and lonely... I asked myself this question...can I live like this? I couldn't, I was second even third best and coming back to him and marrying him changed nothing. I did send him an email explaining why I couldn't come back to him, he just replied with page after page all that was wrong with me. I'm sad and at times I miss him but I then look at exactly what my day to day life with him was actually like. I have to find me again whoever me is as I just got so lost in this relationship for 5 years... No I couldn't live like this
"...whoever me is" - those words are your freedom, Sandy. Find that "me" and you'll discover not just you, but so much more!
After being in a narsisitic marriage for 9 years and now 2 years divorce in another relationship ,i know I can't settle anymore under no circumstances thanks Jane for sharing this article
You're so welcome, Penny. I'm so glad this resonated with you!
hi Jane thank you so much for this article. as I read it I realize every words you said clicks to me. its been a long journey for me and iam still working on it. i was waiting for this person to commit to me who said he is in love with me but action were different. but thankfully and tks to you I realize that I need better I deserve better and i will get it at the right moment whenever it comes. and i am k with that bc iam not afraid anymore to wait for the right one to come instead of waiting for the uncertain. i have giving him so much power but now its time for me to take that power to myself. but bc of what i went through i am a stronger person now.
thank you jane you have help me so much
More than time, Anna. I'm so glad you're seeing this for yourself! It's my honor to be a part of your journey! 🙂
It is so nice to hear other women going thru the same insecurities I am. I am almost 54 and thought I was over all that. But when you come out of a long-term, dysfunctional marriage, you end up with a lot of baggage to unload. Thank God for therapy!!
We're never as alone as we think we are, Dana. So glad you're getting the help you deserve to support you through this!
Thanks Jane, your articles have really helped me get out of a relationship that was making me sad and insecure. After reading your articles I realised I deserve a lot more and I am not alone in how I feel, you and all the ladies that reply have been a godsend. Thank you.
oh I'm so glad these are all helping you, Kay. Thank you for your kind words! You deserve more -so much more than feeling sad and insecure!
Jane,since you came into my life over a year ago I have grown so much from your readings. Since i became a widow three years ago I make such mistakes in men and giving them my power...No more!!! You have enlightened me so much and now i have the power to know what does not serve me ..begone. thank you again . Lucinda
What an inspiration you are, Lucinda! Your beautiful words touched me so. "No more" are such telling words when we see what we couldn't see before. Don't let those "mistakes" get you down on yourself; we all do the best we can with what we know. And when we learn more, then we can choose differently. You're human, Lucinda; so beautifully human. It's time to only choose those who celebrate you, too!
Jane, you empower us to be all we can be. I wish waking up to the idea that women can be just as powerful as men wasn't a new phenomenon in western modern history. Even considering our "fight" for gender equality for the past 50 years, I think most men (and women) still have an unconscious expectation that women should be "less than" a man in one sense or another. Therefore, being a powerful, strong woman comes with its downfalls, with one example being the higher number of dates we tend to go on until we find a man who can appreciate us for all we are. However, even if we tend to have more lonely nights than other women who are unaware of their worth, being all we can be is 100% worth it because we are using all the life we have been given, intellectually, emotionally, and physically.
Beautifully said, Danielle. Thank you for adding to the conversation here. When we empower ourselves, we become the change we want to see, we empower the men who are on their own path to change, to show up - to love us the way we deserve to be loved - and in that love, we change this together. Never doubt what we can do when we hold ourselves closer than we hold any particular him, no matter who he is to us. We're the ones who make this happen, when we love ourselves enough to see our true, beautiful selves and the value of our love.
Good letter Jane, the one thing I am still haunted with, is if I didn't say I wanted to cut all ties, and just let things organically fall apart. would that have made a difference? would giving him space enough to realize I am what he wants? Or, am I seeing the truth now, by cutting contact he def would have known, if he couldn't live without me. Now he doesn't even respond. That Is the hardest part, being with someone who made you feel like you were so important and then being treated as if you are no more that a piece of trash! I just need to think of it in a way, as to get my power back and stop obsessing! I just want to stop thinking about it! What do you suggest?
You're seeing the truth now, Gia, the truth you've always known if you had allowed yourself to. Do you really want to be with someone who could ever leave you believing you're "no more than a piece of trash"? Take your own power back outside of him. I know it's hard. I know you want to believe it could have been different if only you had handled it differently, but you weren't the only one in this relationship. It always takes two! If you have something more to say or do, then say or do that to settle this for you. But if his actions right now are showing you enough, then let it be enough. You deserve so much more than ever feeling like this with or without someone you love.
This message really resonated with me. One month ago, I broke it off with someone because he pulled back and started questioning "whether we should be together." Been there. Done that. I decided to end it and told him, "until you are sure...this is just a friendship."
There were things missing in our relationship, but I felt so good with him that I ignored it. I told myself I really didn't need this or that. In reality, I was settling for a shadow of what I really longed and hoped for.
Seeing the difference between a shadow and reality, that's our work, Dana. We always know. So glad this one resonated with you! When we become sure, our answers always become that much more clear.
I have been dating a guy for 7 years. We broke up for about a year...but still talked and text each other during that time. In October of last year we got back together and he promised that after 6 months of pre-marital counseling that we would get engaged. That 6 months came and went and when the counselor told us we needed to make some decisions to get married he wanted to stop going. We have been back together now a year in October and he is telling me now that he needs to take some time to still determine if I am the one...
Can someone hit me with a harsh reality and truth and tell me what I need to hear? I am so embarrassed that I believed him a year ago when he said this time was different. Seven years have gone by....
I feel so stupid. He is telling me he doesn't know...and I am waiting around. Why do we do this to ourselves?
If he really wanted to be with me he would...I guess that is just hard to swallow.
I used to be so strong. I used to believe I was worth more.
I feel like I need to make the decision...but I just can't seem to be brave enough to do it. I wanted it to work...even when he has voiced to me he doesn't believe we can make it...
sigh.
Don't feel stupid. Most of us here have been there. We do this to ourselves for several reasons: we don't know what a healthy relationship looks like because we didn't have one modeled for us as children, we lack self-esteem and self-love, we believe things that are ineffective like "Love is enough or conquers all" "If I rescue him, he'll love me" "he'll change for me" and we make excuses instead of believing what's said and or shown to us.
As the famous quote goes: When someone shows us who they are, we need to believe them.
When a man says he's not ready, he can't commit, etc, our job is to believe him and walk away. We can't change that and it's not personal. It's not about us. People are who they are and do what they want. Our sole job is to take care of ourselves and do what's right for us.
I personally think that if people need premarital counseling they should never get married. If they need it it's because they are not a good match. Different pages and it's something to heed and not overlook. Good relationships take some effort, but not this much. If it makes you miserable, it's not right. The past doesn't matter and the potential future doesn't exist. There's only NOW. If you're not happy now, you do what you can or just walk away. A relationship takes two to work. If only one is fighting there's not much of a relationship to begin with.
You'll get through this and trust me, there is a man out there who is a better fit for you.
Angel, you have great insight here! I differ with you in your thoughts on pre-marital counseling, however.
EVERY couple is going to get stuck in their communication, relating, needs, etc. EVERY couple can use the help of a trained professional - either clergy or therapist - to help them see the forest through the trees.
I have been through therapy and know it's value and it's place. I definitely plan on getting pre-marital counseling to help me and my future mate communicate better, relate better, and make sure that we are on the same page. Sometimes you need help seeing and identifying problem areas, and it is wise to seek help.
That article is just so apt for me today. I've been writing to you recently and thought I was doing OK. However, I let myself down badly last night. Mark, my boyfriend, said on Saturday morning as he was leaving, see u Monday I'll text. He was having a boys weekend at a commemorative airshow. This weekend is another one. I knew fitting 'us' in this week was difficult as I finish work late but Monday was good because I finished 7.30pm, by 2om Monday he hasn't text so not listening to my logical side of the brain that was clearly telling me to not call, I listened to my emotional side and called. He was great. He hadn't been home yet but said come over tonight. I got there and he joked around he was cooking dinner. TV was on motor sports. I knew I had to sit quietly (omg as I'm writing this it sounds so bad). We are with him jumping up and doing things in between mouthfuls then another programme came on then he said 'what time do u have to get up?' I said '6am' he said 'don't think u can have my body tonight hahhahaha are u staying or going home?' Well I felt so awkward and small and irrelevant. After about 20minutes I took my tea cup out to the kitchen and put my boots on, he said 'are u going?' I replied I was. I missed him and I forgot what he said it is a blur. Out in the kitchen I tried to get out as fast as I could but I dropped my bag and he came out and said well put the light on and laughed then said 'sleep well' I gave him another kiss and quickly left.
I feel so embarrassed not from anything I did round there but just not listening to my logical side of the brain telling me 'u know this man he will be tired and hungover from a heavy weekend leave monday' but I became needy. We had been getting along great just three nights before.
I need to be honest with him And tell him my needs but I'm afraid because he's 52 never been married, it's as if he's hot and cold and deliberately trying to confuse me and I'm such a simple soul. We have such a lovely time when his attention is focussed on us and he can be very gallant but when he's acting like this I get so insecure. We've been together 9 months. So u see your message today was so apt and I thank you.
I'm so mixed up. I have a disciplinary hearing on Friday so really can't focus on mark I have to focus in doing what's right for me!
Sorry to go on Jane. I went to the doctors today and cried my heart out. I have no-one to talk to .
Suzy
I know exactly how you feel Suzy
Your story brought me right back to how I felt after my guy told me how he couldn't wait to get together because he missed me so much and I was all he could think about. I went to see him, of course we had sex immediately and then as soon as he was done he announced "sorry to do this to you sweetie, but I've got to run. I have to meet a guy for lunch in 20 minutes" as he is tossing my clothes at me. I felt worse than a paid prostitute. At least they get money for giving their bodies away. Ugh. Just so awful. I think I hated myself more than anything for putting up with it and saying "that's okay. At least I got to see you." I cried for days after that. What a slap in the face -
And then nothing from him for 3 days. Then a "hi sweets, hope ur good" text late one night. And I actually responded.
Ugh. What us wrong with all of us?
I am working on myself now. Reading, journaling, talking, sharing with those in the same situation. It takes a lot of effort to fix yourself, but feeling better and stronger and more positive every day is encouraging. Even the little setbacks don't seem so much like failures. Just inevitable bumps in the road on the journey.
Jane's wise words and the stories from other women help so much. At least we know we aren't the only ones feeling this way.
Exactly, Deb. Doing something different takes getting used to! We're out of our comfort zones here. We've gotten so used to doing and having the same thing we've ever known. Let's be realistic with ourselves - it takes time to unlearn and not be triggered by everything - and I do mean EVERYTHING - we've ever known about love, about relationships, about men and even about ourselves! There are no shortcuts to this path, but oh how it will be worth it when we look back and see what we gained, and what was never lost, along the way. You are never, ever alone.
Don't ever be sorry to go on, Suzy. We have to go on! If we don't say the words, if we don't allow ourselves to hear what we're saying or to see what we're writing, we won't realize what we're doing to ourselves. There's a reason you're afraid to be honest with him, to speak up and tell him what you need. We always sense the truth. You're not mixed up; you simply feel how mixed up your relationship with him is. Lovely when "his attention is focused on us", but then this - of course you feel insecure. This is why it's never just about how someone treats us; it's what we tell ourselves about why. Cry your heart out. We see so much more clearly after we've cried our rivers. If I was there I would hold every one of those precious tears with you. We're not meant to go through these things alone.
It's always how you feel, Suzy. If you can see the humor in his comments and even playfully give it back to him while keeping yourself intact without feeling "so awkward and small and irrelevant", then yes, this relationship might be able to work for you. But if it doesn't, if you feel embarrassed and insecure and you feel like you don't have a real voice here, then that's where the question comes in. What if you were the confident, beautiful woman that you are with him, even if you don't feel like you are; what if you allowed that to shine through? Would you have your answer then?
I think it's a great story.. and I'm living it now. But going thru the break up is like getting off a addiction. The pains in my stomach are fear and depression. I just want that to go away, but my thoughts of mad sad and loneliness won't stop chatting at nite..
Embrace them, Linda. Put your arms around the little girl inside who's mad, sad and lonely and let her know you'll never leave her. And then stay with her through her darkest nights. Hold her and let her feel everything. She's safe with you. Tell her everything she needs to hear. Be there for her the way you've always longed for someone to be there for you and she'll get through this one, too. It's not always about being strong. It's about being being you.
Hi Jane,
Thank you so much , i have learnt so much from this article than i ever thought i would. i am going to live my life for me from this day onward. A big thanks to you.
Love,
Georgette.
oh you're so very welcome, Georgette. I'm thrilled this resonated so much with you!
in my whole life i have a set of standards in what i want in a guy? example he has to be tall, be nice n charming & can't smoke or take drugs. i've always had a set future which is mine which i want is to be married and have no children n enjoy life n travel more to places n that i'm a aunty n whoever my bf is will be an uncle to my nieces & nephews.
in my past i've had 6 ex's and some were shorter than me and 1 was tall n he ended it after 4 weeks in 2008 and i've been treated badly in them treating me not good and my last ex n i were on different pages. whenever i have a new bf or with someone new i say to myself do i see myself living with this person? at first i think it's yes but with last ex it was a no-no coz he wanted different thing from me n treated me poorly. i try to compare my last name if i was to marry that man.
this year on the 19 June i ended it with my ex coz i was at my wits end with him n was fed up with the smoking n i moved on very quickly n started to talk to my best friends more n do gardening with them in a community and there is this 1 guy i like n i've known him for nearly 5 years and i feel he's interested in me but in person i'm nervous to talk back in saying hello to him sometimes but in the end i feel comfortable working with him as a team in gardening. i don't mind the age gap as i'm 27 n he is 32/33 and he comes to me for advice n i am happily to give him advice and he has everything i want in a guy which is tall, handsome n gentleman. the other day he told me he gets bored at work so i helped him by saying "maybe u should take some leave" then he's like good idea n i like his accent.
should me n this guy date after 5 years knowing each other n interested in each other as i'm seeing him 1x every month at gardening this year unless i invite him to social meets or even just 1-1 casual dates? i can see myself living this guy in the future if he's living by himself.
Keep coming back to "can I live with him the way he is right now", Courtney, and you'll have your answers. What really matters is so much more than tall, handsome and a gentleman. It's how he treats you, how you feel when you're with him - and when you're not, and whether you can actually live with the person he shows you he is. The only right or wrong here is what is right or wrong for you!
This came just in time
So glad, Shirley!