It’s the question I hear most often.
Does he change?
You want to know. You need to know.
Because more than anything else, this is what you fear.
That you’ll draw your line in the sand. That you’ll say those words that will put an end to what might be. That you’ll put yourself in a place where there’s no going back.
And then he’ll change.
Your worst fear is you’ll be too late.
You’ll have said the words you can’t take back. He’ll have heard you loud and clear this time. But instead of coming running to find you, to meet you, to take you back – he’ll have had enough, too.
He’ll be ready for more. But not with you.
He’ll be ready to commit. But not to you.
He’ll step up to the plate. But it won’t be with you.
Just the thought of that leaves you motionless, unable to live with the way things are, but unable to do anything else because of this fear.
After all, you’d only have yourself to blame.
It’s why everything hinges on the answer to this question. Does he change? What is the chance that he might? You’ll take a percentage, a close estimate, anything to give you some idea of what that chance might be.
Will he? Can he? Is it even possible?
The fact that you’re here, asking in the first place, gives you your answer more than anything I could possibly say. You already know the truth, even as much as you don’t want to.
We’re so programmed to believe he does. We’ve been brainwashed with every single love story we’ve ever watched that leads us to believe he will.
But this isn’t a fairy tale. This isn’t a movie.
This is your life.
Living for that ending that’s been scripted to sell movies can only lead to heartbreak. But in real life, it’s not your character that ends up heartbroken, it’s you.
Yes, people can change. And yes, he has his own journey to walk. Sometimes things happen to give us reason to pause, to look at our lives, to question whether there might be a different way. Yes, any number of things can happen to inspire this kind of change.
Like meeting you.
But if you live your life only waiting for that change, holding something so completely out of your control in your hands, you’re already heartbroken now.
Come back to reality. Come back to what your life is like right now.
Can you accept this? This right now moment in your life. This right now being with him. The way that he treats you now. The way that you feel now.
The longer you stay with someone who can’t give you what you long for, the longer you convince yourself that you can, the more it takes a toll on your self-esteem, your self-confidence, your beautiful you.
Do you change? That’s the more telling question to ask yourself. How can you not change when you choose someone whose mixed messages betray the reality that he’s not choosing you?
Being with someone like this changes you!
Into a shell of yourself. Into someone unrecognizable. Into someone who’s lost all sense of herself in the process of trying to change him.
This is where the real damage is done.
But break free from choosing someone who can’t give you an answer, who can’t tell you what he wants, who can’t give you anything more than a chance on a dream that’s all your own, and just watch how you turn that change into a positive new you!
Watch how you soar. Watch how you discover wings for yourself that you never knew before. Watch how you become something you could only have dreamed of before. Watch how you grow into you. Beautiful, Radiant, Confident You.
More than a dream. The real you.
You see, Beautiful, this isn’t about the fantasy of you changing him. It’s about the tragedy of what waiting around for him does to you!
Thank you so much for this. I stayed with my alcoholic husband for 10 years of marriage (12 years total) and did my best to help and support him through rehab and recovery. I am proud of the fact that he is 1 year sober but it is all about him. He had started to chat with his best friend's sister just before he went into rehab and has now started a relationship with her. She has paid for his flat, car, living expenses but he is still saying he wants to be with me but can only concentrate on his new and stressful job as he is so fragile. I do love him very much in spite of his faults and issues but am so very sick of being told that everything is my fault and I'm not being fair when I tell him his actions are hurtful. I am a carer for my mum and so very stressed and unhappy that I find it hard to be patient with her even though I love her very much. I know what I need to do but keep clinging on because I'm 58 and afraid that I will not find another partner. I know that having a partner is not essential to a happy life but for me being in a loving relationship is the most important thing in the world. I feel trapped, weak and vulnerable and utterly disgusted with myself because I can't let go of a man who is stringing two women along for his own ends.
So yesterday I told my "whatsapp "boyfriend of almost a year that I'm tired of being a text girlfriend and that I wanted the real thing, like phone calls, meet ups, going out, chilling together like normal people.... And He told me He is not ready for a relationship, this is the guy who made sure he stops everything just to see me when we first met, but things stated changing as time went by, phone calls stopped, he stopped making time for me all together, I haven't seen him in 4 months whilst we love like 10mins away from each other, even though I would complain about this at times he just never seemed to want to take the initiative to see me, worst part He is/ was so supportive in everything I do, like in every aspect of my life, but all of this is through whatsapp, like we would text each other the whole day chatting about everything and anything in the world , but still he wouldn't make time for me..... I'm just glad I had the courage to face him and tell him what I want even though the response was not what I wanted to hear, I'm just glad I got the clarity of where I stand instead of the mixed signals he was giving me...... I know it's not gonna be easy but I'm done waiting around hoping he will change...... Thank you Jane and ll the beautiful Laidys here you guys are great, fantastic, wish it was possible to meet with you all one day but yeah that's life.
Wow, this resonated with exactly where I am today. I broke up with him 10 days ago and today I was thinking the "what-might-have-been" thoughts, and, "I miss him", etc. I needed to hear this today. Thank you.
So glad this resonated with you today, Dana. Remember your reasons why. You always know!
yes, i wait 4years , and still ,in time when his son leaves he is 31, and when he retries in 3 years , that will be 7years , i live alone all week, to see him saturday afternoon till sunday night wow, i am a fool
Not a fool, Georgina. A beautiful believer in the power of your love if only this person was on the same page as you! Don't beat yourself up; learn from it. Take back your power, choose you, and then pick yourself up, brush yourself off and resolve to begin again right now. Today is a new day where you exercise your right to choose!
In a way I totally relate to this. In fact I'm kind of experiencing it right now. I finally left my BF of 2yrs about a month ago cuz it wasn't moving forward, he didn't want to live w/me, barely told me he loved me, didn't want to get married even though he knew I do & never let me meet his family. Finally id had enough & broke up w/him. What happened was unexpected by both of us. It was like the flip of a switch. All of sudden he had 2 yrs of emotions coming out all at once & now he wants to give me the world. Ive never seen a guy cry as much as he has and he says he's never cried this much EVER! He's so distrusght he's lost his job, can't eat & can't sleep. He's now wanting to get married, move me in, meet his family and have babies! before all of this stuff was not going to happen with him but now all of a sudden that I'm gone, he wants it so bad! And yet even though this is what I've wanted, I somehow have absolutely no feelings for him whatsoever. I can't even explain how my feelings for him have vanished, it's almost scary. But I've moved on and met somebody whos great and who I want to be with. He shows me everything that I need to feel loved and wanted. But then I have my ex who's making me feel confused and says that yes, despite me, the next person he meets he will marry, he will give them everything that I wanted and he will make sure that I know it because of what I've done to him and how I've hurt him so badly. I knw he's hurt and angry but at the same time I'm bothered by that possibility. I don't want him and love my new BF but it kills me how he now wants a life with me like I hoped and prayed for only that it's too late now. And I know the next girl he gets with will get what I should've had. Why did this happen? I never expected this kind of change in either of us. And what I keep trying to tell him is he doesn't understand how bad he hurt me during the time that we were together. Idk, it's been a rough couple of months & its hard to deal w/it all. He had his chance but didn't realize what he had till I was gone. Idk why it upsets me if he moves on cuz I have, it just sucks. My question is, is he the one I should be with? I dnt think so but it keeps me wondering and I just want to b happy once and for all.
Danielle, you have reminded me of my first (and second) breakup with my ex ... First time, I was so confused exactly by his tears, and decided to give him another chance. He was moving hills, planning our life together, promissing the world ... 3 years have passed and we did not move very much forward. And the second time, again more tears, tearing my heart. But I pulled all my strenght and did not pull back for the second time.
I fas focusing on REALITY, on what we really were at that point of time, and on the future - what we can and cannot be. Have I learned from his actions about what is possible and what is not?
Whan can any new girl really get - he is the same man?!
You are choosing between the fantasy (only another promisse, possibility) and reality (what you already have in your hands). Choose wisely. Good luck!
It only happened because you moved on, Danielle. He sensed it. That's why the change. Go back to him and watch everything revert back to the way it was. It's the push and pull of these types of relationships. Don't second-guess yourself; do what you need to do for you!
Hi, I'm experiencing this same situation. I'm afraid if I let go then he will find someone else and I don't know if I can handle seeing him with someone else.
If he could be with someone else that easily, D, what do you really have with him? What does he give you? What are you getting from him? If you can focus on the reality of what he shows you, as hard as it is to allow yourself to see it, you'll have a clearer picture of what's real, and what's only your fantasy. Your needs matter, too!
Again I feel like this is especially for me. I've let him go but the hurt is destroying me. I know he's no good but I'm longing for him to come back. Why? Because of the thought of him being happy with someone else is unbearable. I'm checking my phone hoping for him to call. In my heart I know I need to detach because he's caused me so much hurt.
Thanks again for your inspiring article Jane.
I'm so glad you felt this one, Kay. Thank you. It's in your beautiful, feeling heart that the real potential lies. When you find yourself, when you can see yourself so clearly, that's when you will also see him so clearly, and what he can't offer you will become the clearest thing of all.
Jane yes I been in that type of relationship, living in a fantasy instead of reality. But the day I came to myself, the reality was so ugly that I asked myself WTH was I doing? His reality was a man without integrity and character. He was a hypercritic (pastor of a church) the only thing he cared about was hisself and money (the tithes and offering). I am in the process of forgiving myself for loving a selfish, low self-esteem, dog of man!! I believe in KARMA, he will see those days again, he will just be on the receiving end instead of dishing it out!! I am so happy with my life now, he did not have to change, I did!!! Correct instead of wasting my time changing him....I change me and my situation, I put one foot in front of the other and kept moving forward. One day I will look him in the face and say THANK YOU for teaching me a lesson!!!
And you absolutely will, RealDavis! Because you are turning this into something beautiful instead. One step at a time. It's always in the steps, no matter how small they seem.
As hard as this is, once you realize he won't change , it easier to get its not you and it's not going to work - love shouldn't be hard, yes you need to work on good relationships but I realized that I deserve more than tears confusion and hurt.
So much more, Anna! And so true that each of us have to come to this realization in our own way and time. It's this acceptance that frees us - that there's a difference between a fantasy that only exists in our minds and the reality that keeps being repeated over and over again. Tears, confusion and hurt have nothing to do with real love!
Thank you, Jane! Oh, sooooo much for these words!
I have made the move, I have said the words ... I was literally preparing and training myself for this for months .... but I have to admit that I have been asking myself the same question, even now. Even today, talking to my friend, I said that he was the greatest love in my life so far. But I know there is no turning back.
He might even change, he probably has in some way.
But, I have changed, too - I am still changing, I feel it. It is hard to believe that our pages can ever be as close as I believed they were then. But, I am still mixed up, also imagening about the day when I will accidentally see him with someone else, and feel hurt. I cannot understand this part, maybe it's my way of finally letting go, or protecting myself. Because I think he is still alone, like me and I miss the good times. Solitude is the worst enemy here I think, so friends and planning help a lot. And this workgroup - although I never met any of you, I feel so thankful for findin you, being able to learn and share!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, SB. Don't look so far ahead for what you're not ready for yet. This is still so new. This new place you're in will take time to grow into you. We always miss the good times and we make them so much more than they ever were when we feel like they're gone for good. Look at what you know to be true, to be real, instead. There was a reason you asked the questions. There was a reason you went searching for answers. There's a reason you're here, today. Don't lose sight of that! You can trust yourself, you can trust what you intuitively know better than anyone else. You're the only one who knows you - and what you need - like you do!
Dear jane.
the post before is my story. please can you give me some advice on how i can move on in my life because after him i dont trust anyone anymore. i dont socialize as much im literally fed up ans tired of carrying a fake smile around.
Don't carry a fake smile around anymore, Rose. Find the things - the activities, the events, the people - that give you reason to genuinely feel like smiling. Whenever there doesn't seem to be anything to smile about, it's a sign that we need to look somewhere else to find it. And it almost always mean we have some boundary work to do, shaking off what was never ours to take on in the first place. There's so much more that comes after this!
before i met this one person who completely changed me i was a girl who just had one focus and aim in life which was to get good grades and make my parents happy and i had no interest in relationships and boys. I used to tell my friends that boys were a waste of time and no boy actually respects a girl before his marriage. Two years ago i created an Instagram account on which i promoted my snap chat for my friends to add me. This boy added me and started talking to me he had told me that he was the same age of me etc. He refused to leave me alone as he wanted to have 'fun' and i refused and didnt give him much attention and focused on my studies, i would help him sort his problems out as he was having family difficulties. I would listen to him help him calm down when he was angry. This made him develop feelings for me and when he told me i explained that i do not even value him as a friend. He still didn't give up. After 6 months of him trying to get my attention i became friends with him and started paying attention to him. Gradually this became love after another 8 months. Before we started a relationship he confessed and told me that he used to be a player and only added me to flirt with me and that also he lied about his age and that he was one year younger than me. He told me that he didn't deserve a pure girl like me anyway and after he lied it was fine if i didn't want to be in a relationship with him. he reassured me that he really did love me. time went by and we became closer loving each other more. We had so many arguments nearly everyday and he would block me out of everything, so that i wouldn't be able to contact him and then when he wanted to he would come back . i remember i would sit and cry every day and night. At first he would leave me for a few days and gradually weeks and then months, and i used to wait not knowing if he would come back this time. He would blame me and shout at me swear at me for things that had nothing to do with me. Several months went past and my exams were near and i decided to finish it. So i told him and blocked him. After a month he created a new account and said sorry. i forgave him. But his attitude didn't change, he would block me for no reason and come back and say sorry and i would forgive him. Then one day he told me he was coming to London. i waited where he wanted to meet till 10am to 7:30pm and he wouldn't turn up and it was pouring down with rain so i went home and around 11:00pm he msgd me saying sorry i came back home now, my phone died when i reached London sorry. I was annoyed at him and had a go at him and he blocked me for two weeks again. and then came back and said i miss u i really love u forgive me. so as usual i did. And then a month later he reduced talking to me. he would go to bed early at 10pm, whereas before he would keep me up till 3am he stopped talking sweet. He didnt have anything to talk about etc. And then a few days later he tells me he is having family problems so he does not want to be in a relationship anymore. like usual i say ok i understand but im always here for u if you need me the following three days he would msg me start the convo but reply like he doesnt wantt yo talk and like he is doing a favor. Now i had had enough. i gave up my family life, i stoped being so focused on my studies for a boy can just break up so easily treat me like shit. Literally if this is how loves works i want nothing to do with it, Boys are waste of time and love clearly doesnt exist. I blocked him staright. Love is a waste of time.
This isn't how love works, Rose. He's one guy, one guy who has no idea how to treat a woman. We have to learn to love ourselves, to value ourselves enough to draw our own lines in the sand, to set our own clear boundaries around what we're willing to accept and what we're not. You've learned so much here, even if it only feels like you've lost yourself. Find you again, hold that beautiful little girl deep inside you in your arms. With a heart like yours, and a love like yours, you need to treasure it and don't give it away trying to fix anyone who isn't truly worthy of you. When you hold on to your boundaries about what you will and will not accept in terms of how someone treats you, you will find the ones who won't respect those boundaries disappear, while the ones who respect you more for them will be willing to take the time to slow down to get to know you on your terms. You're worth so much more than this!
I have been in a committed relationship with the father of my 10 year old for 10 years. About two years ago, I found out while he was driving long distance over the road as a truck driver, he had reunited with his childhood first in the state he grew up in. The writings were on the walls but instead of leaving, I stayed with the fantasy that someday he was going to change. After 10 years, he finally did change but not with me. My heart was beyond broken after seeing photos of him smiling, dressed differently, etc.
it's like my worst nightmare came true. I try to keep myself busy so that I can move on with my life and just when I start to forget about him, he calls to see how I'm doing , apology texts and sends me guilt gifts on Valentine's Day and other occasions.
I thought after two years I would heal but I'm still grieving the tragic ending of our relationship. The only thing I got out of it is my beautiful son and that's what keeps me inline whenever my heart skips a beat.
I can only imagine how hard this is for you, Bibi. Remember that it's never as incredible as it appears on the surface. It only confirms one thing; that you could never be happy with someone like this because he's not the one for you. And wishing you were her, believing she has something you want, only keeps you stuck in the past, berating yourself with what you could or should have done differently. It's only a nightmare if you make it one, Bibi. Otherwise, it's freedom. Freedom for you to be with someone who's truly compatible with you! You don't want someone who isn't choosing you. You don't want someone who isn't capable of seeing you for all that you are and all that you have to offer. There's nothing wrong with you, there's only the wrong person for you! Live that lesson for your beautiful son; he has a beautiful mother who has no idea of her worth, of her value, of all that she possesses within herself. Come out and shine, Bibi. Not to show your ex. Not to show "her". But for you! You deserve so much more than a life lived holding onto the past like this!
Dear Jane
im in a situation. I started having a relationship with a guy who was also in a relationship while I was in a relationship.
Eventually,he left her and started dating me. I left my then boyfriend and started dating him. Things were great. So great that when he started cheating on me with his ex I didn't even know. I only found out later. He begged me to take him back and told me he'd block her for good. I'm still with him now,and I love him but im scared of getting hurt again. Please help.
Hi Abby,
Wow your story is freaking me out because that's exactly what happened with my relationship with my ex except the fact that I'm on the other side of the fence as the victim and that he hasn't cheated on her with me...... Yet!
I will tell you this though, he recently visited last weekend to do some back to school shopping for our son. We all hung out and went to dinner as a family and there were moments where him and I were alone walking around the lake and holding hands. Before he left, he hugged me and then our eyes locked in for a moment. Let's just say I was in total shocked when he reached down and kissed me on the lips. (But I'm also aware that it's just his guilty conscious).
I must be honest by saying it was that one kiss I been waiting for to see if there's that chance I can win him back but also confusing that left me feeling shameful of even entertaining thoughts of taken him back after leaving me for his past!
I can't be mad at her for leaving her man to be with my man after my man left me to be with her. It's obvious they both wanted each other because they both came up with the plan to turn us into their exes. But what she may fail to acknowledge in her mind while going through the "honeymoon" stages with him is that there could be that possibility that he will cheat on her with me ESP with the fact that we have history of 10 yrs together with his firstborn and only.
The fact of the matter is, why would I pass up on the opportunity of being with the love that broke my heart one last time when clearly she did not take into consideration that she was breaking a home? Jumping into one relationship to another is called a rebound.
If he downplayed their relationship to be with you, what makes you think that he didn't express his feeling of missing her to "her"???
What I've come to realize is that my ex lover was not totally honest on both sides. His confusion just hurted her when he kissed me. And you know what the funny thing about all this is that she hasn't even found out about it our kiss..... Yet!!!
I'm sorry you got your heart broken but I gotta be blunt with you because I'm in her shoes right now as the ex and it's going to be hard to trust him again ESP if the ex resents you as well for playing the part that made him leave her in the first place.
When you're in an unhappy relationship, break it off with that person to spend time with yourself first and figure out what you want before dating someone new. Dating someone in a relationship while you're in one will soon backfire on you because it was done wrong in the first place........ Good Luck with that girl!
It sounds like you sense you can't trust him, Abby. The biggest indicator of someone's future behavior is their past behavior. If he's cheated before, he know he can and you'll still take him back. Listen to your own intuition here. He's obviously going to do what works for him; but can you live with that? Can you live with the uncertainty of not knowing if he's going to repeat this pattern again? That's the question to ask yourself, Abby. You matter, too.
this article really sounds like my crush, ever since my crush ended the friendship in Feb 2014 i left him alone n i thought he might change n come back to me and be friends with hin. so i limited my facebook messages to special occasions like Xmas, birthday.
in the past year n half i've given him happy birthday and i didn't get any birthday msgs. there was times he read my Xmas greetings but never replied back but was thinking he would. so i left him alone and since then i don't touch his facebook like friend request him
last year i gave him a birthday msg n he replies back "thanks..." and this year i did the same thing n he said "thanks" and i was like omg has he changed? i felt like the friendship is slowly coming back n thought maybe i should friend request him n maybe he will accept it this time. i told my mum who got me set up 2 years ago from 10/9/13 n she reckons he won't accept my friend request n my best friend reckons he may not be ready for a friendship. it's the hardest decision i've ever to make, either friend request him next thu (10th) or do it 1 week before Xmas so he's only got Xmas n new years n then he's not so busy.
i don't feel the same person who i was 2 years ago who was obsessed with him n i had a guy who was like that to me. so i feel like i've learnt my lesson.
2013 i was so needy, wanted (i want u), was available all the time, obsessed and crazy about him. 1 month ago a deaf guy was just like that to me n it made me think i don't know what to do in comunication n seeing him so the deaf guy was in my shoes and i was in my crush's shoes n i could feel his pain how angry he was with me n thought maybe that's why he end it with me. every time the deaf guy contacted me i would ignore him n gave him a msg on FB "im not the right 1 for u, the 1 is out there n i'm sorry" which was my crush like that to me last year
my crush is on words with friends he is always at the bottom of my leaderboard and he could versus me in a game at anytime as i'm at the top in the top 3 which might mean i'm at the top of his leaderboard. example 3rd vs 10th place.
i feel like i've changed and my crush has changed
idk whether to friend request my crush on 10 Sep like i did 2 years ago or wait for Dec (1 week from Xmas) which he would be less busy n make friend request as part of the gift. it's most hardest decision i've ever made.
What if you let him come to you instead, Courtney? Then you'd know for sure how he feels about you!