One of our beautiful readers, who calls herself "Bdoll", has been with an emotionally unavailable guy on and off for the better part of the last five years. He had consistently told her that he didn't want a serious relationship, only to suddenly break up with her and start a serious relationship with another woman.
Here's her email:
I dated someone for 4.5 years on and off. They say when someone says they don't want to get married, or have a long term relationship, it means "with you!". Or does it mean 'in general'.
He told me from Day 1, that he did not want a relationship, but had one in every sense of the word anyway. The chemistry between us was like nothing I had ever experienced before, it was the pinnacle of any adult relationship I had had previous.
The timing was not right for him, and I believe this to be critical for a man.
This was a 52 year old man, never married. Very charismatic, educated, smart, and had been in plenty of relationships, live-in and long term. Had his choice of woman, always. But wasn't settled in his career, and very unhappy about it.
I too, was unstable in career, and unstable in life. But we had alot of good things together, intellectual compatibility, chemistry, emotional comfort and closeness, excellent communication, things in common, sense of humour and fun.
He broke up with me several times, I think he was not ready (timing), and he was concerned that I wasn't the right person.
I thought it was because he just could not commit and he was dysfunctional. I don't think a man is looking for 'the one' at 52. I think he would just be looking for 'a great girl that complimented his lifestyle', not the fantasy of a relationship we had when in our 30's.
After several breakups over 4.5 years, finally 9 months ago, he broke up with permanently. I thought he may come back, again.
He did not.
Within a few weeks, was dating someone from his past, and is now living with her, and appears to be committed. She is stable, financially, and otherwise. He has been so unstable, this would be something that would be very important to him and something I could not give him.
Her behaviour is undoubtedly far more acceptable than mine was. Insecure outbursts kept at bay, since she had something to offer, thus would not be pushed away constantly. Nor would he continue chatting with other women for fear of losing her.
He was emotionally unavailable to me, but I feel is available to her, he's living with her!
As I walk around feeling like a dead person, my question is, is this a guy that was emotionally unavailable to me because he was unsure, and the timing wasn't right for years? Or did this guy change his motus operadi because he met the right woman that has something he really needed?
This is a guy that for 15 years said he didn't want to be in a relationship, long before he met me. And now he's yet again living with someone.
- Bdoll
My Response:
Dear Bdoll,
They also say “Believe him”.
Because more than anything else, that’s the part you need to hear.
After all you put up with, after all you went through for him, it doesn't seem fair. You want answers. You want to know why.
But, Bdoll, it's never as amazing as we make it out to be in our own minds. Yes, this new woman may seem to meet a deep need in him by the fact that she appears to be "stable , financial and otherwise", but appearances can be so deceiving.
You're only seeing the surface part; the part we add-on and make into something incredible in our own minds.
He's the same person, Bdoll. She may give him something that makes him feel like she's worth trying to change himself for, because being with her makes him feel like he has a sense of purpose by living vicariously through her. But true change can only happen if it comes from within ourselves, not for someone else.
Much like we’re attracted to the ones who seem to hold so much promise by possessing the same characteristics we ourselves want to possess, he's attracted to the fantasy of what she offers him!
But we can't change for another person simply because we want them. We have to be willing to do the work!
What she appears to promise him if he can get there may provide the incentive to make that change, but he’s only switching roles and trying to be more of what she wants him to be in exchange for the security she brings him.
There's only one way to look at these things, Bdoll. You only want someone who can give you what you're looking for. This man who told you he didn't want to get married or have a long-term relationship meant what he said.
Your 4.5 years of back and forth in a relationship that was never what you wanted it to be is your proof of that!
This was and still is never about you – it's about him. The fact that you couldn't help him or save him from himself has no bearing on your worth.
Shake off this dead person persona and come out into the freedom of this new life.
You're free, Bdoll!
I know it doesn't feel that way and you've got this feeling hanging over you that he's choosing her and not you because there's some fatal flaw about you or that you weren't enough or whatever other story you're subscribing to.
Shake that story off you! It's time for a new one.
The one that tells you the real story: That you hung on for so many reasons to try to make nothing into something and couldn't do it because you were the only one who wanted it to work!
Take the appearance of what they appear to have off the pedestal you've put it on and remember what the worst times of your 4.5 years together were like to you. Remember what they felt like to you. That's who he brought with him to this new relationship that seems so good on the surface.
Take the focus off of him and put it back where it belongs; on you. It's probably been a long time since you've focused on who you are, on what you want, and what you deserve to have in your life.
This is how we find it, Bdoll. Through our wake-up calls when we're forced to look within and makes us grateful in the end. Not at another him who gives us a reason to shift the focus to him, but to you.
Let him go. This isn't the end of your story. It's how it begins!
Love,
Jane
What do you have to say to Bdoll that you want her to hear? Share it with us in the comments!
hi
Im new here. Can someone help me?
I left my partner after 5 years together two years ago - but I cannot forget him (and I am now married). I did not want to leave -I had to as he was cheating but I loved him. He has never really settled or been faithful so I am led to believe. He was devastated when Ieft - cried, promised to change, etc etc for about a year - but I would never have trusted him. now he has someone else and I am devastated. He has been really very cruel to me - he called me earlier a year ago and put her on the phone - she had found phone messages he had sent me saying I would always be his soulmate etc - but she found them and then he said on the phone, (with her in the background I found out), that he only said it to help me heal - he loved her more than he ever loved me and to leave him alone but not before he put her on the phone for me to convince her there was nothing going on - which there wasn't. I was absolutely poleaxed. He then text me again earlier this year which I did not respond to for about six weeks - but I then said yes im fine. He then sent a massive text back saying he and "the woman" wanted to send belated wedding congrats etc etc, how wonderful they were etc etc now leave him alone. ... it completely crushed me. Ive heard nothing since.
Point is - I don't want to feel like this - I spend hours looking for answers but I feel I will never get them. I feel so disappointed I was not enough to make him feel about me like that - that I feel so substandard against this woman who has made him happy. He even put her and him as his contact avatar.
I love my husband who is so totally different, loving and wonderful, - but my life is being tainted by these thoughts and I feel so awful that I feel I am not giving all of me.
Question - will he have really changed for her / could he have / is she better than me and sadder than anything - will he ever remember me.
So sad.
Hi Anna,
I raised two daughters on my own as a single parent. They have different fathers, I had the first daughter when I was 18 and the other when I was 34. To the first father I was married to, and the second I was not. I was able to maintain a friendship with both of their fathers. This was not easy at times, but I did my best to not put their father's down. It is my belief that it is much healthier for the children when their parents get along.
Listen to the wise woman that in side of you. Trust your gut instinct that is telling you to move forward so the right man will show up and give you all the love you deserve. I believe it was Maya D'Angelou who said, "When you know better, you do better," and I agree with her whole heartedly.
hi Anne-Marie thank you so much for your advice I really appreciate. I fell to mention iam 33 years old and my child is 5. I do want the father to hv a great relationship with my daughter. even though he hasn't been there for her (his choice) but I hope and I believe that he will in the future. I believe that he does love her but hes not ready. but one thing I never did or never will do is put him down or talk bad about him especially to my daughter bc she deserves a great relationship with her dad. my daughter loves him and talks about him most of the time and ask for him. and all I say is " he is away bc of work but yes he does love you very much". I do want us to be great friends no question ask ( and I know we will) bc of my daughter and the fact he is a good person with good heart.
I just don't want that romantic feeling that I feel for him but its hard. its not him its me that need to find a way to move on.
thank you I will definitely listen to my inner and try to find my mr right
ps love the quote tks again:)
hi jane I wrote to you a few years back regarding my 9 years on and off relationship. as I read the comments it feel like dejavu. he always said that I was the one for him but his action said otherwise. so about 2 years ago i couldn't trust him bc off all what he was doing so I finally took courage and broke it off even though was still in love with him. made difficult bc we have a child together. it took me a long time to be able to sleep... to get to where iam now. we were not speaking for few months bc he wasnt much there for his child... he reach out to me few times and I start talking to him again via message(he moved but says that he is coming back) bc I though he was ready to be a father. and also some how for me to find a way to forgive him and myself in order for me to move on. and now he is remembering all this stuff when we were together and telling me that" I Will Always be the love of his life but he knows he is too late and wish he could reverse time". it made me feel good bc of all the compliments but also understood what he said is" too late" . I don't know why I cant stop talking to him about general stuff. but i also realize when someone really loves you and wants to be with you they will do anything to make that happen. and bc of all this i accept i am not the one for him but i think i still hv feelings for him. i don't think he has change much especially been a dad. hes nice person but i Do not want to go down that road again. i want to have good friendship bc hes my child father. i still believe in fairy tells and i want to continue to move on and find mr right. how can i shake off this feeling for my ex ( father of my child) but have a friendship with him and walk towards finding mr right. please post any inside would be great
thank you 🙂
love anna
Same thing happened to me. I met a guy when I was just turned 25 and he was about to turn 22. I thought I had met my husband, he was IT!! Welp... 9 years later, and we did the thing that Bdoll speaks of, maybe not to their seriousness.. But from day 21 he told me he didn't want to ever get married. I thought he would change his mind when he get involved with me. BUT cut to 9 years later... He's the SAME as he was all the way back then. I dated other guys and even fell in love (God sent me a man that finally broke me of him!) And I read this and look back and you're totally right Jane. Hear them when they say it first time "I'll never get married.." "...I don't want a relationship..." What my 35 year old heart and ears hear is "I'll never get married to you.." or "..I don't want a relationship with you..." And it's O-K!! We just need to grow up and mature!!
Love your stuff! Thanks for sending me the emails!!
xoxo
Jolene
Hi Jolene. This man is 53 and has never married. And I still think he will marry. He just didn't want to marry me.
Thanks, Jolene! It's only when we look back that we see it as clear as it always was at the time. We're the ones whose eyes open and we're the ones who change!
Healing and revealing, with a perfect timing! Still, after reading this newest Friday story and all the comments, along with empowering support, there was also loneliness, and me hoping to read about the winning outcomes, about finding. Maybe it's just me and my belief in the happy ever after, but my impression is that these kind of stories are rare here - perhaps, when this happens, sharing goes to other dimensions and begins with that someONE else 🙂
They're here, SB, but you're so right that they're often hidden between the words of the ones who are in the throes of their own heartbreak who need the love and support of a community like the one found here. They're the stories more often told to me through a private coaching call or email than shared for everyone else to read, so as a reminder, if you're reading this and would be willing to inspire others, please share your stories as well! There is a "happy ever after", SB, but it's a real one, not the one we've bought into that only leads us down the wrong path looking for the wrong kind of man. You're going to have one of your own, beyond anything you could ever have imagined. It always is when it's the real thing!
Thank you, Jane, it feels good to know and believe in this!!! I am taking my time, first getting back to myself, growing up, trying to recognize the programming and pitfalls we (women?) get into. I am single for more than 5 months now, after breaking up a 4-year relationship. Heading towards my 40's... Still have my crisis, remembering the good times, travelling, laughing....the happy moments. What helps is exactly remembering what you call REAL - these were all the nice, fairy tale moments - in real life, with challenges and problems, I was feeling bad and alone. It was never complete, every time I was hitting the same wall, built with promisses, without real actions. This could have probably continued for many more years, but it was killing me.
I will probably need more time, because I feel I have to learn. All your stories and the message that this path will bring me to the right partner, gives me so much strenghth. Thank you!
I hate to say this to you because I know you're hurting, but the truth is people don't really change the core of their being. They may seem to change for a brief time, but I have found they revert back to their old selves. Trust me look at this as a blessing and let go of him. Go and find a man that fits you. Stop making excuses for him and for yourself. And don't be the rescuer. I've been there-it's emotionally exhausting. And there is very little reward. Also don't look for someone to rescue you. You will exhaust them too. It's not that this other person is "THE ONE" because he decided to live with her and not you. Count your blessing for that too. I always said I would never live with a man unless we got married because if things didn't work out I still had my own place to go back to.
Look at it this way, he hasn't put a ring on her finger so he really hasn't committed himself to her either. And if he does I'll bet you that they will be divorced probably in the first 5 years. Only the future will tell. Anyway this is not about him. It'a about" YOU". It sounds like you need to work on yourself first before you find that man. Like I said, "Forget about him and your relationship." It's toxic. So even if down the road he decides to come back, turn him away. A friend of mine said to me once, "Keep running and don't look back." To start working on you I have some tips that helped me.
1) Start counting your blessings. Have a mind of gratitude. Be thankful for the things you have and the people around you. Everyday smile at someone. Thank someone or offer a kind gesture to someone. When you do this it actually makes you feel better because you did something nice that day.
2) Find something inspirational to read, listen or watch everyday. If it is a quote, post it on your bathroom mirror or refrigerator. Put it in a place that you will see it everyday. Read or watch it first thing in the morning and just before you go to bed.
3) Do a little self examination on your mind. Don't beat yourself, but ask yourself what is your dream for yourself? What things would you like to change for yourself? Things that would make you happy. Jot it down on a piece of paper then work out a game plan to achieve it. This will take some time. And get excited about it. Build your imaginary life. And meditate on it.
3) Exercise. Big one! Helps clear the mind. This was a biggie for me. Not only is exercise a physical mood lifter, I did alot of meditation during those times. Kept telling myself "Good things are going to happen for me." AND THEY DID!! It doesn't have to be strenuous like going to the gym. I actually walked 45 min. everyday. Consistancy is the key. I was a little overweight, not happy with it. Didn't really try to stick to a diet. I lost 50lbs in less than a year. I went down 3 sizes and got into jeans that I haven't gotten into in 10 yrs. I felt terrific.
Try these 3 things. Start off slow and build gradually. If you try to go whole hog at once you might get overwelmed and get discouraged. If need to try one thing. Take the one thing and run with it for awhile. When your to move on to the next then di that. There is no time limit. So take the time to get to know you before jumping into another relationship. It took me almost 5 yrs to learn this. I had my set backs, disappointments , & rebound relationships all through this time, but the important thing is that I was happy with myself. I did what I needed to do for myself. Was I lonely? Yes, but I was still happy. I found I didn't need a man to make me happy. Besides even when you're in a relationship you can still feel lonely.
I put dating on hold for awhile just to get myself together and really look at what I want in a relationship, not what I can offer. I know what I can offer. I just recently hopped back on the dating horse. It's a little bumpy, but that's ok because where there are bumpy roads now there are bound to be smooth roads ahead. Those smooth roads are where I set my sight on.
I hope this will help you.
I am learning so much from reading these posts. I was told "believe what a man tells you", and it has taken me nine months to finally allow what my friend has has been telling me all along to sink in. He does not want a relationship. He does not want the responsibility that comes with it.
Just last night, he said, "I am not the right man for you." He has known this all along. I looked at him and replied, "You're right, you're not." Saying it aloud was a confirmation for me that we're just friends, and nothing more.
Over the course of our friendship, my friend has told me, "You will make a wonderful wife. You're are an amazing woman. You're beautiful. You're a wonderful cook." And I believe him, because these things are true.
I am making the choice to move forward and allow the right man to come into my life, one who is able to love appreciate me for all that I am.
I pray that Bdoll is able to move forward too, and allow the love she deserves to come into her life.
Such beautiful, strong words that were all yours, Anne-Marie. "You're right, you're not." - Strong, confident, beautiful truth! We wake up when we're ready - and not one minute before. I can't tell you how long it took me to finally get this, too! No matter how long it took to get here, it only matters that you do. Now get comfortable with this new place. This is how we grow into ourselves and the truth that has been there waiting for us to see it all along.
While out for my morning walk, a revelation came to me. When he said, "I'm not the right man for you, and I replied, "You're right, you're not I was speaking the truth. I realized this morning though that my head and heart was hearing, "You're not the right woman for me." And that is okay, I can accept that.
What I will do with this new found revelation is believe that the right man will come along for me, and when he says, "You know, you're just the right woman for me. And I will say with certainty,"Yes, you're right. I am the right woman for you. " Two people on the same page working towards the same goal. To have a healthy, happy and loving relationship. I am excited. Can you tell?
Wonderful Anne Marie, the healing has started with your revelation..you should be proud of yourself. Continue on your journey...
Thank you MJ, yes, the healing has started and it feels so good!
Awesome!
As you deserve to be, Anne-Marie. Yes, I can tell! 🙂
The only difference between your story and mine is that he was telling me that he did want an exclusive relationship with me and a future with me. However, he actions showed me otherwise. He wasn't very bonded or available to me at all. When we split, he was immediately living with another woman that he appeared to bond with and be available with. As you worded it "he lives with her!"
Similar to you, my man was unstable. I could help a little which was all I could do. Like you, the new woman is very stable financially and she can and does A LOT for him. So he moved into her fancy house, drives her nice cars, points out what he wants in the store and she buys it. He deletes his social media like she asked, he sneaks to talk to his female friends and so on. Like you, I have bouts with thinking that he is really into her and something is wrong with me.
I think the reality is this, these men just didn't want to marry us specifically. But, that really isn't a negative reflection on us. I think they are into these new women because of what they can do for them. I just hope that we both can truly see and understand this.
Thank you, Jo, for sharing your own similar story. Be proud of yourself for being able to see this as clearly as you do! This is why no matter what someone says, it's always their actions that tell you the truth. Believe what he says - and most of all, what he does.
It makes a relationship much more exciting, off and on..
Some people need this kind of emotional rollecoaster to feel their fire inside. They look at anything else, beside inside.
they are hungry almost for a new drama, sometimes they are not even aware of it!
If your not carefull this kind of person will teach you to like drama , that it is almost normal.
When your in a relationship you copy a bit of their behaviour!
I have had this with my ex. I was almost brainwashed into loving drama and this on and off game.
Took me almost 3 years to see.
Sometimes some people just like the drama& will not change. Love does not have to be so dramatic all the time! All that energy & thinking & doubts. I mean what is love in that.
Now I have also learned it goes deeper, it is also what you see on tv. Maybe your family. Maybe your boss. If you take a good look and see the society , most of us live off drama.
Because it is normal to them, makes them have a purpose.
It does not have to mean this man is evil. He is just a guy who does not know what he wants. He does know if he has a gf, that he does not have to focus on himself. He will get the physical aspect and maybe a good meal. Sometimes you do not know reasons why a man goes into a new relationship.
You don't have to.
So true, Maris. Thank you for adding your insights to the conversation. The roots run so deep!
Bdoll the same thing happened to me about a year ago!! He had me hanging on for 3 years, told me he was not ready for a commitment, that he was not whole and I deserve someone whole....come to find out he was being committed to his son's girlfriends mother. Now they are married. Just like that woman Bdoll, she has a Masters degree, she makes 6 figures, and she has a title (nurse). I felt she was better than I was that is why he choice her instead of me. As Jane mentioned it looks good on the surface but he could be going through BAD (nice words) behind closed doors. He had low-esteem, he was a user, he was a low down snake, he was a hypercrit (preacher only saved on Sunday morning and Wednesday night) he was a thief, a lot of other things but I will cut it of there. But Bdoll....THAT IS HER PROBLEM, NOT MINE and the SAD thing SHE IS MARRIED TO HIM!!! Don't feel bad about his decision, make your decision to shake the dust from you feet and find Bdoll!!! It is so much LIFE to live!! You might not see it today...but if you put the work in you will look back on this and say WTH was I doing or thinking!! I promise you!! I am a testimony!!! He told me to get a life and you know what I did!! Am I am so happy!!! LIVE!! LAUGH as much as you can!! and LOVE yourself enough to see what is waiting for you to let the past go!!!
Thank you, Real Davis. When you've been there, you understand this dynamic oh so well. It's never quite what it seems!
It means "with you". I have dated two guys for a long period of time, one that was an on/off guy that said he didn't want to get married or didn't know what he wanted, the other we were in a committed relationship (although not I realize that our definition of commitment was different). Turned out they just didn't want to marry me. After calling it quits they went off to marry someone else after only dating that person for a short period of time.
She is not having insecure outbursts because he is making her feel like they are in a secure relationship, which he was not doing with you.
I've been in this situation lots of times, and have never been able to figure out what the other woman offered that I couldn't. What did she do that made him ok with settling down that I didn't do. But I've realized, constantly thinking about this just stresses me out, consumes my time, and prevents me from moving on.
I suggest not thinking about it anymore. For whatever reason he went this other woman. It's time for you to move on and look for someone who wants the same commitment you want.
Good luck!
Exactly, Portia. It's not about what it means to him, it's about what it does to you! And keeping you in his business, keeping you thinking of him and going around and around in circles spending all your energy on him, "stresses me out", "consumes my time", and "prevents me from moving on". Yes, yes, and yes!
What's really scary is the passive/aggressive ones who you don't seem coming. Have never found a reliable detector either...the older one gets the more it seems men become either more needy or remote...mine have always been remote...messes with your head no matter how old you are...and did you ever notice that the women who are difficult and demanding and naggy have better luck it appears ?????
There's an interesting dynamic that goes on here, Susan, because what they really want is both types. The woman who reminds them of their controlling, stifling upbringing and reinforces the familiar, and the other woman who sets them free only to have them realize they can't handle that kind of freedom after all. In the end no one wins, except the woman who ultimately recognizes the unhealthy dynamics at work and chooses to walk away from him and create a free life for herself.
I can imagine how sad you must feel. There's however a great lesson for you to learn: when a man tells you he doesn't want anything serious, a relationship or anything negative, believe him. Take him at his word. He's not coding for "maybe" or anything like that. He means you're not what he's looking for and no matter how great you think he is, you need to take that as a cue to leave before you get hurt. Immediately. Don't cling to hope or potential or other interpretation.
Also evaluate yourself and ask yourself why you're willing to stick around someone who doesn't want you. Therein lies a big chunk of your truth.
We all have to learn at some point to live with our feet on the ground and in reality, not in potential or hopes or dreams inspite of evidence of the contrary.
Take inventory of what you can learn here and try something new when you're ready and like Jane says: keep the focus on you.
God bless you.
That hope or potential will get you every time. I fell in love with the potential...but when I came to myself and seen the reality!! I was glad he left me!!!
Exactly, Angel. Learn to separate the fantasy from reality and you will find everything else begins to fall into place!
Oh Jane! Sometimes when I read these emails I ask myself if all of us are dating the same man! LOL! Bdoll Jane is right in all she has said. This man is the same man he has always been. Just tell yourself this. "Thank God he chose her and not me!" Now he is her problem and not yours. I was in a similar predicament a short 18 months ago. Yep. The off again on again. He wants to be with me then he does not. Truth is we do this to ourselves. We always have the choice to walk away, but we always hang on to hope that things will change. Sweetie, let her have him. He does not have what you want. Maybe they have found what they want in each other. Good for them! Never make his choices about you! Now its time to focus on yourself and what you want from a man. You want to be with a man that wants the same thing you want. You will see that once you have it, there will be no drama of breaking up and getting back together every 5 mins. I'm still single but not because I haven't had the opportunity to be in a "relationship" but because I am yet to meet a man that wants the same thing I want, so I choose to stay sane and be single till that time comes and I believe that time will come. Trust me its better. You will have peace of mind. (((hugs)))
I agree!!! BRAVO!!!
And it is, Princess! Beautifully said. Oh how I hear you! No, they're not all the same; they're just the ones we find as we discover ourselves along the way. There's always a reason we find each other: to be given a chance to see what we could never otherwise see!
Sometimes we connect with a person because they are here to teach us, they are teaching us what we don't want in a relationship, and that would be someone who can't commit , unstable, w/o integrity, and disrespectful. At that point we need to move on.
Absolutely!
Bdoll, if he is an unstable man, and he's living with a stable woman, then see the signs, he is living off of her. Move on and when you get your power back the right person will show up in your life, but first you have to heal yourself from this type of man.
Yes! Thank you, MJ!