Amidst all the excuses we have for him. Amidst all the stories we tell ourselves about why he treats us the way he does.
Amidst all the reasons we have for staying with him, there lies one simple truth.
He’s choosing, too.
He’s choosing to do what works for him.
He’s choosing to not call.
He’s choosing to text you for last minute plans.
These are choices, not excuses, not reasons, not subconscious dilemmas or long-thought out processes.
This is him choosing, too.
He’s choosing what feels comfortable to him. He’s choosing what works for him. He’s choosing this only because of him - not you!
It’s not personal.
No matter how much you can’t get your head around this part, it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you!
His inability to see what you see, to be what you know he could be, to choose differently than you think he should be, has absolutely no bearing on you and your beautiful self-worth.
He’s not you!
He’s him.
He’s his own person.
He’s his own self.
He does what works for him whether he knows it or not.
He doesn’t think everything through. He doesn’t overthink everything around and around again. He doesn’t think about the consequences. He doesn’t plan the future like we do. He only thinks about what he wants to do right now.
And what he wants is what he’s choosing.
Where he wants to be is where’s he’s choosing to be.
If he’s not calling you, if he’s not texting you, if he’s not reaching out to you in one way or another, it's not about you! You want it to be, because then you have some semblance of control over this. If it really is you, then you have hope that you can change it – and change his choices, too!
"It has to be me", you say, but why? Why can’t it be that he doesn’t think like you do, that he doesn’t choose like you do, that he doesn’t do anything except what works for him?
Let him choose. Let him not call. Let him not text. Turn this around to why do you want someone to call or text or somehow reach out to you if he’s not in this for the same thing as you?
You don’t want him to text you for only one thing.
You don’t want him.
Trust me on this one. As much as you think you do, you really, really don’t.
It’s only the part of you who believes you’re only worth so little. It’s only the part of you who believes you’re worth mere crumbs. It’s only the part of you that can’t see the rest of the picture – yet! The you down the road is going to see this so clearly. Don’t let what you can’t see now keep you stuck in wanting something that is only going to be so hurtful to you.
Let him choose. Take him down off that pedestal. Just because he can choose, doesn’t mean he holds any power over you.
Remember, you’re choosing, too.
And you’re not even considering anyone who isn’t choosing you.
Is this resonating with you? I’d love to hear from you. Your stories matter –each and every one of you. Share them with us in the comments!
It took me almost 10 years of fussing and fighting over his "choices" regarding not responding, making me wait, not asking for my input regarding plans, holidays, etc...to come this conclusion - it was time to Choose Me. (and now I'm much better off without him).
Hi Sara,
I believe it's the fear of the unknown that keeps women stuck in unhealthy relationships. In my younger years, I had a terrible fear of the unknown, the "what ifs". I was terrified of being alone so I stayed in relationships longer that I should have. Once I realized what was going on, things got better for me.
For example, I used to attract drinkers into my life. Once I made up my mind that I didn't want any more drinkers, I just didn't attract them. That was an eye opener for me.
It's not easy raising children by yourself, I know, I raised two daughters. I wanted them to see that I could make changes in my life and I have. I hope you are able to do the same, Sara, for you and your children. You are all so worth it.
Thanks Angel, I'm finding it so hard to break away for some reason, he manipulates me into going back 🙁
Hi Jane,
Thank you for this wonderful site. I am having an awful week 🙁 My boyfriend of almost 3 years has gone on holiday on his own with his daughter, and I feel so pushed aside, you see we don't do holidays together, Christmas this year we wont be together because he has his daughter it will be dedicated to her. He doesn't seem to like my 2 sons. Alright my eldest has slight autism and is going through a tough time at school but he can't expect any child to sit there and not move or talk!!! so we don't blend our families at all, we used to do the odd outing, last year we went on a 4 nights holiday together all the kids, but usually he goes on holiday with his mum. This year he said he didn't want my eldest son to come with us but I could bring along my youngest, obviously I had to think about this as it would upset my eldest then he turned around and said "its too late you can't come" I'm sure he could have changed the booking if he really wanted us to come. We don't see each other every weekend, its every other, and he has his daughter 2 nights a week so he goes back to his house at least 4 nights a week. After 3 years I was hoping for more and he does try to keep me interested by saying little things just to make me stay. Is this acceptable or am I fooling myself? he couldn't understand why I was so angry at him going on holiday without me/us, I told him not to bother phoning me, so he hasn't text but said he would phone tonight, I don't know what to say, I'm so angry, I'm thinking I could take this opportunity to end it - what do you think? I've tried many times before but he is so manipulative and knows I love him, he says things will change but they never do...... I know my life isn't perfect but if he loved me enough we could face the world together?
Why would you want to be with a man who doesn't plan things with you, who doesn't spend quality and quantity of time with you and worse, who cannot accept or like both your children?
No man ever is worthy of you if he doesn't show up consistently for you and your children. From where I'm sitting, you staying around this and letting your kids around this kind of dynamic and person is not good for any of you three.
Thank you, Shannon, for sharing your encouraging words, that he has chosen you, and you're seeing the difference that makes. I think it's wonderful and I'm very happy for you.
Hi Jane
Just on reading your post about "Him Choosing": i have met a most wonderful man who has chosen to love me for who I am and who has chosen to be very conciderate of me and my feelings. I feel so blessed that he chose me because he loves who I am and he sends me text messages every morning just to say "Goodmorning"! To me.
I am writing this because I have, after much reflexion decided for myself that I was going to just be me and have fun and adventure with my children and friends. Out of the blue and all of a sudden this gentle, kind man chose that he didnt want me to go away without first attempting to become friends with me. I really want to day thankyou to you, youhave given me encouragement to be myself and to love who I am
Thankyou, Shannon
I'm so glad to hear your story, Shannon. Thank you for sharing your news with us and inspiring us all! You have discovered the most beautiful kind of love of all; the kind we can have for ourselves first that becomes the love we see reflected back in another's eyes who loves us the way we deserve to be loved. Thank you!
I am his booty call. I am
There forhim without question. I have backed up and told him I want respect, commitment, and for both of us to be all in. Last time I kicked him out he contacted me several months later. We talked had the best time. Thought we were being open and honest and had amazing sex. The next day I found out he was ENGAGED. and cheated on her with me. She kicked him out because he believed SHE was cheating on him. I offered support and he told me he was going to look me up if they broke up-well he didn't really mean that he wanted to start a life with me I could go on and on. I have given him every opportunity and he chooses to keep me on the outside. It's the weekend so he isn't contacting me. I'll hear from him on Tuesday or Wednesday for his booty call. I am done with the insanity. My question is- Should I block him on phone and social media and let him figure it out Or should I email him and tell him that my choice is NOT to tolerate his choosing NOT to call, text, make plans or include me in his life--and then block him.
You do what feels right to you. That's all. Think of you and you alone.
Having said that, consider this: why give explanations to someone who thinks so little of you? Why give him anything at all? Haven't you felt enough pain and seen enough to know he's not right for you?
I don't mean to be harsh, but if someone is treating you poorly it's because you're allowing it. Look within and start pulling yourself out of the mud. You can do this. Don't keep people around whose presence only hurts you. You cannot thrive that way in life.
I think I wanted to blast him with the Consequence of his choices. I know who he is-a cheater, liar, lazy, unavailable narcissist. I allowed myself to be treated badly. I wasnt allowed to show affection or emotions. I knew better but held on to the memory of the charming, funny, affectionate, doting man I met and who I thought could return. I received the poem: An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson when in a battered womans shelter after leaving my husband of 26 years. I worked hard getting out of that hole. Last week the poem entered my life again and I realized I needed to stop falling into the pothole over and over. Normally I would jump into the "we will get through this" mode after his text yesterday letting me know he lost his job from going in late after going to Ladies night at the bar (was ok in his eyes, because the guys were celebrating a coworkers birthday )and 2 weeks from closing on a house!!! Instead I drove over to his house told him how he needed to re assess his priorities, start living his life rather than spend hours a day on facebook and that he probably lost his house and was about ready to lose me over all of this. He attempted several lame excuses. It was empowering to stand up for me! I left and havent heard a word, I never do on weekends. I have worked hard on believing I am worth it. So I wrote the letter and sent it to myself. I am blocking him from social media and from calling/texting. I have made plans to take a kayaking trip, to visit grandchildren, to retire and move away! For the first time ever in my life I feel in a really in control, at peace and excited about tomorrow!!!!! Thank you all for listening and to Jane for voicing what I needed to hear.
That's how it's done! You have power, you have unmeasurable worth. You can always learn from every experience and come out stronger, wiser and more radiant. Remember to give that love and that support you're so willing to give others to yourself. You are more than worthy of that love that is supportive and ever present.
Much love, strength and clarity to you.
So glad you're choosing you instead of more of "the insanity", Liz! Do what you need to do to move on for you, not for him or because of what response you hope to elicit for him. Your actions will always speak louder than any words you choose to say. If you're truly done, the best thing is to just take those actions that will show him - and you - that you're truly done. If there's a chance that engaging further with him will only open the door to more back and forth, then don't. Blocking him tells him everything he needs to know!
Do I wait for him to contact me?
Been seeing this man for 5 months, we have had to be creative in making plans to see each other as we live about an hour away, which has resulted in a few last minute get togethers - the worst was not seeing each other for 2 weeks, however in this time we spoke on the phone almost each day and texted throughout the day. The times we are together are fabulous and its seldom about sex, although that is amazing too.
There have been a few occasions that cancellations have taken place on the last minute, which I find disrespectful as its not been as a result of an emergency but rather an impulse or feeling decision, mainly being tired / sorting out an issue - in this time when he has cancelled and he is not with me, he communicates with me either by texting or calling. After him requesting a rain check via text on wed evening, cause he has stopped by a friend and he had one too many wiskeys (he seldom drinks) so he was not in a state to drive ... I told him via text on Thursday that I thought it was disrespectful to the person on the receiving end as I felt that these last minute (between 2 hrs and 30min) cancellation have happened a few too many times. It took him a day to respond, he said that he had to first calm down as he was less than impressed with the accusation, the long and short was he acknowledged that he did not show but as a result of him being impulsive and not being a great believer of making plans in advance because if something comes up he ends up having to explain himself time and time again (there are valid times as a result of his work, but not all the times) So I Friday I responded by saying "R, I hear you. I believe in making plans and keeping to them as much as possible especially if there are other people involved. We all have a will and being impulsive has its place. I do not like being treated in that manner..." its sunday I have not heard from him. He has previously apologised in the past saying he understands my disappointment and realises that we are struggling to get to see each other as a result of something always coming up but its just the current circumstances and it will not be like this forever.
He will have to contact me at some point his one car is at my house. I do feel a lot for him and know he does for me too, we are great on so many other levels, but this one on time keeping and planning, leave much to be desired.
How to handle this, I want to reach out and communicate with him. Do I carry on and start communicating with him and give him the opportunity to show me with his actions that he will change or do I leave him to chase me and contact me first?
You teach men how you treat you. They will keep doing what you let them get away with.
A man who's serious about you will have no excuse whatsoever to not see you. In fact, he'll move mountains to make it happen.
Now look at what you just wrote and compare. Does it look like he's what you want?
Trust your gut instinct here, Relieved9; if you feel like you want to reach out to him, then do if for you, not because of what you hope to get back from him. If you're seeing enough of a pattern of cancellations and last minute plans that are showing you that you're not the priority in his life that you want to be, let that be enough tell you what you need to do for you.
If you do talk to him, instead of calling his actions disrespectful, tell him how you feel instead. That he can relate to and be inspired to fix for you to show you he's actually on the same page as you - if he is. When you relate to him by owning your own power and saying what you feel, instead of coming at him with judgments which he takes as attacks on him,you can come together on common ground with a freedom for both of you to talk about each of you needs for this to work for you.
Reaching out to him won't change what's already there - or what isn't. What he does, what he shows you by his actions, tells you more than his words ever will.
Hi again Jane,
I think I am starting to understand. It is about not settling anything less that I deserve. Also it is about listening to my intuition that knows this is not exactly right and being brave enough to follow that feeling. As soon as I realise this and wont settle for no. 2 place or being available when he wants, I gain the power over my relationships and over this recent affair.
It is scary and I do like the guy still but I deserve so much more than waiting for his call or text and being taking for granted as the girl available when it suits him.
Thank you for making me realise this and helping me to open my eyes.
-Annie
Exactly, Annie! That's precisely my point; you're the only one who can give you that breakthrough. I may say the words that get you pointed in the right direction, but how it resonates with you and what you do with it is all about you seeing what you intuitively need to do for you to get to that next step. So glad your eyes are being opened to this! I'm always here for you.
Hi,Jane! How perfectly you can dress my thoughts into right words! Thanks a lot! I feel releif. It's not easy to let go 17 years of life( 3 sons in our marriage). I couldn't understand why he behaved in this way. He was trying to leave me for several times and he always reterned saying that HE couldn't live without me and our family. That's the problem. He was simply choosing what is good for HIM. He didn't feel my pain. He wasn't interested in my feelings, my thoughts. And finally he found HER( that person who answers all HIS ideals).And he left us again.
But what was all our life than? What for I forgave him so many times? Was I blind or fool?
Glad this translated into relief for you, Svetlana! Neither blind nor a fool. But a beautiful heart that wanted to believe in a love that conquers all, that overlooked so much and only wanted to make it all better. Treasure those qualities in you! But save them for someone who is worthy of you, who shows you over time with consistent actions that he is choosing what you want, and what you can live with, too!
WOW Jane!! Did this one really HIT home to me!! Most definitely a completely different, NEW perspective!! So much so that I have printed your entire email to read, re-read, re-re-read ... again ... Again ... AGain ... AGAin ... AGAIn ... AGAIN!!! ... until such time as it is engrained in a change of my "stinkin thinkin"!!! How WONDERFUL!!!!
Thank you Jane. EXACTLY at the RIGHT time in my journey!!! THANK YOU!!!
BIG Hugs to You!!! ((()))
S
So glad this resonated so much with you, S. How I hear you with the "again"s! If we're to change our mindset, we have to write it and read it and get it over and over and over again! 🙂
I agree let them go. You said the right words. I felt like I was the one doing everything to keep us together. Gee, now that I think about it. What a waste of energy and time. 7 seven yes 7 years of hot and cold, here today gone tomorrow. Let it go!!
In the last email i received from Jane, He's choosing too I say Amen to that! there are a couple of guys i admit i had on a pedestal for the longest time and whenever they did or said something wrong it would get me mad and then I would respond negatively in my own way. Finally, recently I decided to take them down off of that pedestal and completely changed my way of thinking about them. I didn't care if they texted or if i got together with them. I said the heck with it and now they are doing what they want to with me which means hardly anything at all! I see there true colors and what's good for me is that i don't care now, and I am a much better person for letting go and all the burden and stress of trying to keep things going is gone1 thank you Jane for such an inspiring email!
So glad you're seeing this, Cathy. You are so much a better person for being able to let this all go! It's how we become free. Thank you for your kind words!
Ladies, it looks to me there are a lot of losers on this planet! ranging from different ages. Sorry to be a downer but this really sucks! 🙁 When can we find the type we're looking for?
They represent only a small percentage out there, Elisia. It only seems that way when we come together here for support. Be so proud of yourself for being able to see through eyes that can tell the difference, that can gain clarity into what you want to see, that can find your way to what it is you ultimately can live with. I know it seems hard to see from here, but this is exactly the path to there. In each of our own way and time. He's there!
He is lovely,but a widower and me also, i have been widowed 4yrs ,him 5yrs, he is so happy with us but likes to go home all week and weekend at mine ,thats just saturday , and night all day sunday, then he goes home sunday for work,monday morning,a five start till six at night, he says it easier, as ,he is in bed for nine, so i spend all the week on my own ,to glimpse togetherness at wk. ends, i feel so alone as my marriage was all the time together, so lost and lonley, even though i have meet a lovely man,
Jane,i just want to say. Thank you for helping me find me.
aw, thank you, Lucinda. Thank you for being here!!
How true it is!
I am happy to say I'm no longer fwb. yay.. he did me a favor when he dumped me..blew me off..disappeared. .the only thing that really hurt was the fact he couldn't man up and tell me good bye. .
it's been two weeks and no I haven't tried to contact him and never will. .
if he contacts me I will not reply to him...feeling free. .I will never ever be anyone's fwb again....
And amen to that! It gets too easy for the guy if you are a fwb....have had plenty of experience with that and whats worse, they come to expect it and then practically blow you off if you dont give it to them!
Good for you!
The article was a sign to me exactly at the right time.
He was breaking up with me all the time just staying to keep me calm.
From the beginning his marriage and his choices and family were signs and I complained and nagged and the texts and calls to him were overbearing but I just wanted to be important for once and I stayed regardless of his baggage
So did he spend less and less time with me because of the nagging and complaining and the problems I had with his family I kept blaming myself if only I stayed quiet.
He is selfish and I truly believe now whether I was quiet and never said anything of what I am we would still be in the same place. He will come and go as he pleases because this is what he wants!
We can't change people. Sad though when all I wanted was a man to spend my life with and adored him so much
Not sure where we stand right now he claims gave me so many chances lol isn't it the other way around
I'm heart broken and I guess it will get better day by day
Thank you for the article
I'm so tired of the 'relationship' I'm having at the moment. We are long distance and one day he's warm and caring and the other day he's child and distant. I can't always consider that he works hard and that puts him into stress...
I am going to uni in the same country and city where he lives in. When he found this out, he was over the moon, it seemed. He suggested me to share his apartment in order not to waste money on accommodation. We had sexy chat as usual. In a couple of days he became all stressed out with work and started to communicate less.
The other day I receive a message which says whether I had a look on the uni he graduated from in the neighbouring country, which is way cheaper than that I chose and the living cost there is lower. Well I took it personally and said that I have already checked all the unis and that I already found accommodation and people who could help me with that, so 'no worries'. He aid that I might have wanted to look at other options. And then whether I'm upset with him. I said I'm not and wished him a good day.
He hadn't contacted me for 4 days. In the fifth day I sent him a kiss sticker and asked how was his day. He replied in an hour and a half that his day had been quite good "although he was in serious need of a holiday".
So it's been 2 days since that and I don't hear from him anything....
One day he's warm the other cold. I am so tired of this. I think maybe he's got someone that's why he's afraid if I occupy his apartment. But I really don't move that fat and I had no intent to live with him...
I don't know why he behave like this. So maybe I just need to move on...
Thank you Jane, it has being 2months, since we spilt up. I'm getting stronger and starting to see, its not me, it was his choice to break up, not mine. But its only through the stages of grieving and acceptance that is leading me to the truth. It has always being about him and what worked for him, not me and I knew it was going to end, as I realised we weren't on the same page for months, but I simply didn't want to be on my own, I was lonely, so I stayed. He hasn't texted me or called me. I know now its not me, its him. I deserve so much better and a man who will commit to me. I asked my friends what's wrong with him, I'm beautiful, confident, successful, loving, giving, tolerant for his family commitments and yet he walked away from us, because it wasn't working the way he wanted it to be. He didn't want it to end, it was his choices and I don't even know if he really loved me. I' still don't have closure from him, but its his choice and I have my own closure, simply walking away and focusing on me. The right man is out there for me, it was never meant to be, which is hard to accept, but for my well-being I have to let go and move on with my life, my choice not his.
I'm glad you're finding some healing here, Shelley. Find your peace in slowly accepting the reality of what you never had instead of focusing on the fantasy that we always want to believe it was. We put ourselves through so much to cure our loneliness, when it's through our coming face to face with that loneliness that we finally find our way!
This message was exactly what I needed today. Last night he choose to not continue a relationship with me. We had an argument last week and I told him I needed to talk to him face to face. He agreed and I honestly thought we were going to try to work it out. He gave his reasons why (work etc.) but I knew better. After months of knowing about his emotional affair with a married woman in another state, I finally told him I knew. He sat there in silence while I poured my heart out of the hell I've been going through knowing this information. To my surprise, he didn't get mad he just sat there staring at the floor for hours. I got angry, I cried, and all he could say was he was sorry, he didn't mean to hurt me and that he feels awful for putting me through this. Upon knowing about this other woman, I didn't know what to do. I played along pretending I knew nothing in hopes (stupidly) that he would realize what he had right in front of him. That he would try to fix "us". To let him know how much I cared for him. We keep the rose colored glasses on for so long that we don't see the reality in front of us. I choose to try harder because I thought I was worth it, I thought we were worth it. But he chose to leave. My heart ached all day, I cried all day. I couldn't understand after years of bad choices and relationships why god would bring someone into my life who at first made me feel like I was finally worth it. He did all the things I hoped someone would do to me but all along his heart belonged to someone unavailable to him. I feel completely lost and alone right now and I can't figure out for the life of me why this happened.
For a reason you can't see now, Monica. We can never see it in the going through. It's on the other side of this. You played along pretending because we want to believe in a love that conquers all. He responded like they all do. They never mean to hurt, they always feel awful for putting you through this, and they're always so very sorry. Don't measure your worth by what he couldn't get to; the deeper our hurt, the more painful our endings, the more we find the courage and the strength to forge a new beginning. A new you, Monica. Beautiful, confident, radiant, you!
Hello,
I am currently getting over dating, living with, and being engaged to a narsacist for the past 4 years (on again off again - of course). Although I know deep inside that I am now free from the horror of living with such a person, I am still struggling (not as much, but still).
He broke up with me, I believe it was because I was no longer filling his needs - as a narc that is. Even though I was unhappy and tried to pack my things 2 weeks prior to "The end," I couldn't really end it with him. Despite that when he was annoyed, guestioned, or angry he would say and do things to hurt me - I still loved him, and tried so hard to make things work out. My family and friends get upset with me when I speak of him because they are aware of how badly he has treated me.
I am a good soul, nice, educated, considered pretty, in good shape, with two great adult sons, a terrific family, and lots of wonderful friends. It has been just over 3 months, he is living with and engaged to the main woman that he was reaching out to. She as well as others were his back-ups, he contacted them the same day that we broke up. This woman was a co-worker. It makes me ill and a bit angry thinking that I care about or miss someone that hurt, disrespected me, and threw me to the curb (and out of his apartment) after all of that time.
Why do I care, how could I even fathom forgiving him???
Sincerly,
Janice
Because you care, Janice. It was no coincidence you two found each other. You have a heart so full of kindness, compassion and understanding that longs to be the one to help him finally find his way. And he tried but couldn't. His issue. Not yours. Don't let anyone throw you to the curb. You stand up on your beautiful two feet, hold your head up high, and walk right on by. There is so much more to the beautiful story of you.
I m torn and can't take it anymore , it hurts deep inside. I m trying to move on, but I can't.
One self-compassionate, self-loving step at a time, Pauline. We don't wake up overnight. We wake up gradually over time, when it becomes harder to pretend than it is to move on.
Gee, you always seem to systematically send these emails to read at the right time. I get it, if he is not calling, texting, or reaching out to me in other format, it's his choice. And your right. Bottom line is I need to accept it and really move on. I am, I will. thanks for such great eye opening feedback.
Exactly, Myrna. So glad this was so eye-opening clarifying for you! His choice. Your right. Yes!
Thank you for this! I know I will read it over & over. I knew, rationally, it was not me when he told me 2 weeks ago that "You are the perfect woman for me, the whole package, but I don't want to date anymore". It was like a slap I did not see coming. Confusing. Of course, in my mind, I tried to think of things I could do different. This just solidified my thoughts more that IT IS NOT ME ! We can change no one. He doesn't deserve that pedestal or me! This is all on him. Thank you. Thank you.
I agree, he does not deserve your every thought. We need to move on..
IT IS NOT YOU, Stacy! He's telling you the truest words he knows. Believe him. And hear that you are the perfect woman, the whole package - stop there. The rest - the part that doesn't want to date anymore - has everything to do with him and absolutely nothing to do with you! Leave it on him and don't take it back. We've got to lose this idea that somehow we can be enough to change someone - we don't change anyone except ourselves and our mindsets. So glad this resonated with you. My honor to be part of your journey.
What can I say Jane this resonated so well.
The past few months, I have really let my hair down and have just gone with the flow. I'm 36 and have had so many disappointments in my life that I am tired of stressing over anything anymore. Needless to say me going with the flow have brought many new things in my life. As I have been happy and relaxed, guys have suddenly started approaching me and I seem to attract them like bees to honey. It's been refreshing since the first time in my life I feel beautiful and fabulous. I like the attention however before we jump for joy, these guys have mainly been players or perhaps those are the ones I have been choosing. Anyways, that has not mattered 'cause the guys in my culture are first of all little weird (and not all the dating tips apply to them) and secondly because what happened last year when I really was fooled by someone and thirdly because some of them are acquitances I have known for a few years now.
Anyways the players have been innocent, just after some fun and the new me have gone for it because if it is all little fun, I get what I want but can still keep my heart hidden. Well till I met one guy a friend of a friend's who I thought to have a bit of fun with but who also got under my skin little bit.
When I met him I knew he was a player although I did also know he had been in a relationship last year. He was funny and I found him extremely sexy. We had a little fling but didnt go all the way. So I started playing games with him and we started chatting now and then. I also suggested to meet up with him. I only wanted to have fun and was surprised when our rendez-vous turned out something else. He wanted to talk about many things, like he wanted to get to know me. After we said good bye that night, he said he wanted to meet me again. We arranged to meet up but actually what happened was that I bumped into him even earlier the weekend before and we ended up spending the weekend together partying, chatting and having fun. I did find, it was odd when he started talking about really serious stuff like what he wanted in the future and wanted to know what I wanted and how much he liked me and could fall in love with me. I tried keeping my guards up but at some point I guess I did admit I liked him too and I could see myself falling in love with him. Anyways we had a great weekend together and everything seemed like a good start to getting to know each other. Well till suddenly he went silent and I no longer got messages from him.
I actually dont know what happened. I guess he was telling lies and he lost his interest or he got scared, dont know. I did meet him the following weekend at a bar and he didnt ignore me like some guys do after fling but instead was actually running his hands all over. He was drunk so that was probably the reason and to show him I was now enjoying my own time, I kind of ignored him despite him touching occasionally when I at first encounter said hi or when I happened to be near him. I just decided to stay with my female friend. Later though I did try my luck and I sent him a message to meet up later which he never replied and we never met up.
Anyways, I know I was playing with fire but we are adults (he is 37) and why could he just say I'm not interested in the first place? Instead of me texting him and waiting for him like a fool?
I feel ashamed now that I opened up my heart a bit and I'm annoyed that I let him take the lead. I dont know if he is still as we speak playing games with me or if he lost his interest. I think he may have lost his interest now since I do recall him saying before that the reason he is always texting me, is because he is interested in me. But since the guys over here are weird bunch, and it was only Saturday I asked him to meet up and guys may take 2-4 weeks until they suddenly start getting in contact again I'm not sure and I can analyysejä the events for a very long time.
So after reading your article I know although he seemed like a funny guy worth getting to know of I realise he even right now has a choice to not to text me, not to ask me how I am. He is staying silent and that's how it is. So I need to let him go. Even if I wanted a little bit more fun with him, he is dangerous for my heart.
I know almost for sure that he will contact me again. They always seem to do over here but I also know right now it is better to move on. Although I know that funnily many of the relationships my female friends have, have started with similar cat and mouse games, he is not worth the effort now. For my own sake no matter what happens in the future, it is better to let go even if it means I am losing control over the situation.
Thank you Jane!:)
-Annie
P.S. I do believe in love but sometimes it is hard and I think dating different guys will teach me many things ahead although sometimes I must say it is only physical
I'm so glad this one resonated so much with you, Annie. So nice to hear from you! Don't be ashamed; you know more now than you did and the more you know, the more you will feel in control of your own choices. Let them reflect who you are and what you want, and not what someone else chooses to do with you! You don't lose your power when you choose what works for you - or choose to let go of what doesn't. The opposite is true - you become a more powerful you!
And yes, you will learn so much more about what you're looking for simply by dating different guys - and different types of guys. You choose, they choose - and you choose together by slowly getting to know each other and deciding if what they offer is right for you!
Hi Jane!
Thank you so much for your reply.
What I dont understand though is how do I gain control when I let go and decide to forget him? I feel like this is the hardest thing to do and although it is much easier nowadays that I'm older my inner child still fights against it and I hear a voice inside me against it. Of course I know that is the best thing to do now but I just dont see how that will make me more powerful?
Having tried different approaches with men from dating them casually to saying no to most of them while waiting for a decent guy to come along, I dont know how will that affect. It will change me but not necessarally have anything to do with the relationships with men. Or has it?
Frankly Ithink the type of man I would be suitcase with, has not come along yet. I thought he did last year only to find out that person was my worst nightmare.
Thank you.
-Annie
...there is a feeling of emptyness and loss with accepting these choices. Although time is proving that the choices have actually been the same for us both - that we have not trully chose each other - it is still painful from time to time. I am still letting go, but I think I am getting there, closer to myself for start. Especially after reading stories like these.
Thank you, Jane, thank you all!
Take your time, SB. We don't get to any place worth going to without the journey that happens on the way. So glad you're being inspired here!
I'm in the same boat. After 6 years of dating, living together, back to dating and everything else that comes with the toxic relationship. I am learning to let go. He's not texting, or anything to get in contact with me. I am sure it has to do with, he found someone else. He will never never admit it but deep in my heart I know that is the reason. As much as it hurts to face the truth that he is no longer interested in me. I feel sad, lonely, and very hurt by the rejection. However, there is a part of me that knows I did my best and gave my best to us. I just hope I can get out of the rut with these strong feelings I still have for him. I am an attractive lady and I know I deserve better. So in time I hope that you all someday will see a post saying the total opposite of what I am feeling today. Be strong and take a leap forward people.
Don't call it rejection, Myrna. It's only our programming that labels it that way. The truth is you only want someone on the same page as you. No exceptions. If you're not enough for him, he's not enough for you.
You'll get there darling. One day at a time. I know sooo many women who've gone through this very thing, and it's the moment they decided that they deserved better and would NEVER ever settle for anything less is when someone wayyy more deserving just popped up. It's like crazy. It's happened almost every time. The moment they really let go, is when the man of their dreams popped up. It's soooo possible. Just wait. Your turn is coming!
Yes I did experienced this kind of communication.
You know you want A. But he wants C.... I kind of knew it, my intution was telling me even after few texts through whatsapp.
But I was like, ok lets give it a try. Let's communicate more with this guy. He literally told me "i go with the flow, and now I am talking to you"... So I was dubble minded, I did not want to be "go with the flow girl, let me chit chat ".. I am open for getting to know a guy, chit chat is fine. But I want more intimate moments, real dates, real conversation and talks. Not the kind of talks which lead to a physcical moment.
So In a kind of way I made this as a point what I was looking for.
Well he said offcourse I want my own lady too etc etc . Any way my intution again told me, Maris this man is just chit chatting you cuz he does not have anything to do. ( we talked like 3 months on whatsapp, only met once on a birthday)
But I was hooked to
The attention! But the I cut it off and told him I was not
Looking for a "chatfriend" ...
He never asked me out, eventually I choose to not ever ever chat back again ! I really was hooked to the text messages throug allll day ! In a way made me sad, I really had to detox from him and whatsapp!
But now I am still single, and in a way ok that I don chitchat with dudes that go with a flow. It is indeed a choice!
I choose to still have my heart open. Even sometimes I get downers like "where are the healthy dudes that just want to meet a lady and talk" .. But Again I choose to be open for this, to not let me discourage me. Especially these chitchat dudes, can drain your energy!
Good article
You can always trust your intuition, Maris. Always! You always, always know! Let it always be your choice. That's where you will always find your most powerful self, waiting for you to hear what she has to say.
What brave courageous women you all are. You have done what is right for yourselves and can and will continue to see your unique and genuine selves for who you really are and what you really deserve. You have inspired me to continue on my journey of enlightenment. Thank you.
You inspire, too, Dandy. No matter what someone else's journey looks like, there is no more beautiful journey than your own! So glad you're here! 🙂
Bravo Jane!!! "It is not personal" We as women give men so much credit and have not looked at his credit report!!! Is he loyal, is honest, does he have integrity, do he know who he is, how much baggage he has, etc...when you run the credit report you find out who he is!!! WHO WANTS BAD CREDIT!!! WHY would you want bad credit?!?!?! Again why eat crumbs when you can have the whole CAKE!!! You have the power to make a decision that is right for YOU!! Everyday you wake you, you the choice to choose him or YOU....LADIES CHOOSE YOU!!! If he choose something or some else. Thank him because he was not for you!!! Now since he is out of the way then someone better will come along better!!! Make memories and learn lessons and LIVE!! LAUGH!! and LOVE yourself!!!!
Exactly, RealDavis. I love your clarity. 🙂
Actually, I just experienced this recently with a first date. He was a very nice guy. We really connected so I thought. Didn't hear from him. The 3rd day I texted him to see if he was still interested. Replied back not with a direct answer. Just said he wasn't sure where his head was at. Alot of things were going on in his life at the time. I gave him about a week before contacted him. Kept it light, just texted him something funny. He responded with Lol. 2 days later I texted him to invite him to join me at something I was doing that day. He turned me down and said he didn't feel the connection and not to take it personally.Still considered as a friend. Felt a little hurt at first, but understood. I did contact once or twice after that, not pushing him to change his mind. I just had questions. 1-how did he find me ( we were on a online dating site) 2nd-Asked him is that he was not physically attracted to me. If it was my weight or my looks. I'm a little overweight which I'm working on to make me feel better for myself, not anybody else. I asked him this because I had a bad experience with a guy I came into contact with that literally when he saw me ran away. Than texted me said we weren't a match. Funny thing I'm glad he ran away because I wasn't interested in him either. His actions just rattled my self worth. The first guy did respond back with he didn't feel the connection that he was looking for. Whether he was trying or not to spare my feelings I feel hegave me an honest answer. And like you said that he made a choice. We ended on a good note. Told him I appreciated his honesty and wished him well. I don't plan on contacting him anymore.
Don't let anyone rattle your self-worth, Jacki! No matter who you are, what you think your flaws or weakness are, there will always be the ones who don't want to be with you - and the ones who will adore each and every one of those parts of you and thank their lucky stars that they ever found you!
This reminds me of one old familiar song that pretty much says something like that:" We chose and we get chosen. So often those choices do not coinside." The only way to make it coinside every time is to chose somebody who has already apparently chosen you and to avoid everyone who has chosedln somebody else.
And chose each other over time so that you're both choosing each other together. Thank you, Nina. It's only we who make it so much more complicated than it is!
We as women can't except sometimes when I guy doesn't respond back we just automatically think it's us we are not good enough beautiful enough....but you know I was there and now I think and say to myself often he wasn't good enough for me or as special as I once thought took me a while to get here but I have now....and enjoying my life to the full and talk to all walks of life and get male attention which that was my turning point to make me think so we can do it and don't just be there for his on selflessness not worth it we only hurt our selfs while they walk away and don't have a second thought....so be strong and you will get there xx
Right! Thanks Emma!
Beautifully said, Emma. Thank you. Nothing is worth hurting our selves like we do.
I needed this today. Thank you!
So glad, Vanessa. Thank you!
Love and believe this post! When he first reached out to me, he told me the only reason he wouldn't get back to me is if his plane fell out of the sky. When I tried to slow things down because of outside complications, he said "let me worry about that."
Then months later, after I drpped my guard and went all in, he pulled away and is gone. This is someone I dated in high school, so we knew each other from way back when.
That's been about a year ago now, and I still hurt over it all but know I will be ok, and even better than I've been for the last 30 years. I suffered a devastating loss back then, unrelated to him. But going through all the emotional trama that his leaving caused made me do some much needed research and soul-searching.
I am much better equipped to handle a relationship now than I think I ever was. In my teens and early 20's, I had so much confidence it was infectious. My loss 30 years ago zapped me; my "loss" a year ago forced me to reach out to people like you, Jane, and that has brought me back to myself.
THANK YOU!
So glad you reached out, Liz, and you've come back to you. Thank you for being here! We're never meant to be with the ones who promise so much yet deliver so little. We need actions, not words, real love, not promises of love. You will be ok - you already are! But catching up to our best selves when we've been down for the count is a journey - and a most beautiful one if we allow it to be. I so hear you about that confidence in your teens and early twenties! I could have written the same thing. Bring it back, don't let the losses that were never meant to be take away your beautiful, confident, radiant you! It's still there - it never left; it's only we who leave ourselves.
Hi Jane,
Your article make me in tears..not in negative way but in positive way. This is what exactly happen to me one month ago and it hurting me much. I have wonderful - amazing day with him for almost 6 months, doubnest in 1 month and then nothing. He never reach me again, I tried 2 times text him but no reply and I said to myself to safe my dignity..so I keep silent too. I dont text him again, I dont asked whats wrong or asking any explanation about why he stop. I have to admit its really hard. I miss him every single day, he is good conversionist and we was talking about everything everyday, but then he dont reach me at all, while he know he can reach me anytime.
I was wonder whats wrong with me or did I make any mistake. I really want to ask him why or even if there is something I can change to make him back. But I stop myself because I know deep down I didnt do anything wrong to our relationship and I believe if he really meant to me he should come to me and discuss with me if he is not comfortable about something.
I am crying while writing this, it still feel so hurt and sometimes I really want to know his answer but I know I am worth more than that. So I let universe lead me to better place. Thank you for reading my comment, Jane. God bless you.
Uniek
Oh how much more you're worth than that, Uniek! Let the universe lead you to a better place. There's nothing more you need from someone who is offering you nothing more than this. Miss you, not him. Miss the you that knows this, that can see this so clearly, and would never give such power away to any mere man! You bless us by being here, Uniek. Thank you.
Golden Rule Number One: rather break all your fingers than phone or text a man who doesn't phone or text you first thing in the morning, during the day, and last thing at night. He will phone you in a force ten gale if he loves you.
Golden Rule Number Two: don't pretend stuff doesn't bother you when it clearly does! Say so! That way you separate the wheat from the chaff.
Thank you, Fran. So true!
I can totaling relate to this more than ever. I've been following all ur emails Jane cuz it's like ur writing about my life and situation. Everything u say makes complete sense. I knew what I needed to do, but it's easier said than done. Everyday I prayed that one day I could just walk away but never could. Been w/BF for over 2yrs w/no promise of a future. Didn't live together, didn't meet his family and he only said I love u a few times. Definitely not how I think a relationship should be which wasn't progressing but degressing. It's was confusing, miserable & like nothing I've ever experienced. Yet I had hope that one day he'd see I'm worth more & want a life w/me. I even told him to watch his actions & how he treats me cuz u never know that the consequences may not be good leaving him with regret. He didn't listen. Then a miracle happened. Enough was enough. I asked him if he had any intentions of marrying me. He said, 'he had no intentions of marrying anyone'. That was it, I ended it, almost a month ago. Given how my BF was the one choosing how the relationship went, as in not hanging out till last min, ignoring me, not always txtn me back, I never expected what has happened. He lost it! He can't eat, sleep, bawls at my door eveyday, suspended from work and begging me to point that it's too much. Now he wants to give me everything and more that I wanted not that long ago. But he's too late. I feel awful, I do but where was this guy when I was begging him to love me not that long ago? He admits to not showing me how much he really does love me and wants to give me the world & more. It's mind boggling to me that now, after I've moved on, he's choosing to give me what I wanted to have more than anything but I finally did it. I walked away and feel nothing. Idk if that makes me a bad person but I don't want him. hes acting out irrationally to the point of total insanity. But he had his chance, too bad it took this for him to show how he feels. But u were right. I met some one and can say I'm the happiest I've ever been. No guessing, no confusion, no doubt in my mind that my new guy wants me & yes, loves me! Met his parents, talks of the future & I can see it in his eyes when he kisses me or looks at me that this is how its supposed to be & feel. I'm so thankful for him I believe he saved me from my misery & has shown me what love is & that I deserve that & more! Jane I can't thank u enough for all that u do! Uve helped me thru what I call the worst 2 yrs of my life. But I can honestly say, it's over and now I know that all I went thru wasn't about me, it's what he chose. I will never chose that life again and can't believe how happy I am. Keep up the good work! I can't thank you enough
This is awesome to hear! Best to you!
Thank you Danielle. What you wrote is soo inspiring to us all. Once you decided to love yourself more, you attracted a man who was capable of truly loving you. It's just soo obvious. It all starts with honoring and loving our selves, than everything else will fall into place- Universal law.
Exactly, Steph. Even as we can all use the inspiration along the way. So nice to see you here! 🙂
Danielle see what happens when you let out the trash!!! LOL!!!!
It is so much easier said than done, Danielle! But you created your own miracle - that miracle was you! Whatever needed to happen, whatever you needed to see, you knew what you needed even though you didn't know you did. It was in you all along! And now you have that confirmation of what your relationship really is - a push and pull reality check that the only way he wants to be with you is when you don't. Push back and watch him pull away. Pull away and watch him push back. Always your choice, always up to you. You chose!
This is beautiful, radiant, confident you! How could this new man not have found you? This is how it happens, no matter how much we can't see it before we get there. I may have planted the seeds, but it's you who created the momentum from the smallest belief to give you everything you are meant to receive!
So glad you found your way here, Danielle - your story is the most inspiring "thank you" of all! I am so very happy for you. 🙂
That's right girl. It's like they have ESP or something. As soon as you're happy, as soon as you've forgotten they are even on Earth, here they come with a change of heart.
There is no such thing.
If I were that important to you, you would have treated me right the first time.
Now you'll forever be the one who got away. Good for you darling!!!
The email you sent me about him was 100% true. I finally CHOSE to forget about him forever yesterday. He can't contact me if he wanted too. Thank you so much for this, I highly and truely appreciate how you read my mind. Thank you for such words of wisdom. I started meditation and yoga about a week ago and I see changes in my inner self. I'm becoming more confident, sress-free and I'm figuring out my self-worth and image. This is the best I've ever felt in my whole entire life, I'm finding my self happiness! I start school next week, I'm so ready for this journey to get started!
So glad you're seeing this for yourself, Obrion. Run with this - begin your beautiful journey! This is all you!
Thank you Jane. Continue empowering women and letting them know that they are beautiful. I wish I had found out about you before I wasted 5 yrs of my life with my ex. Its been 18 months and I am still in No contact. One of the things I told him when I broke up with him was
"I love you, but I love myself more. I spent all this time trying to prove to you that I am worthy of you, but now I realize that you are not worthy of me and you don't deserve me. I choose me. You can have her, but you can't have me also"
He was cheating and wanted to see both of us because we lived in different countries. So he would see me when he is in my country and see the other woman when he was in her country on business.
And now you are free, Princess. Such truth - and power! - in your words! So glad you found your way here; it is because of you and women like you that I will always be here to remind you when we forget our own truth.
This article strikes a chord and is super encouraging. I have been in the process of letting go of someone and realizing truly that his choices are reflective not only of who he is but of what he is looking for right now - convenience and women who are willing to do things on his terms and be accommodating. His choices are no reflection of me at all, and I do not want to give him the power to make me feel bad in any way. I am getting there, and this article helps a lot.
Good for you, Audrey, and it's wonderful that we can be real here and realize that we have a network of supporting and caring women to help us along our journey. I wish you all the best in the days ahead.
Exactly, Audrey! If this is what he's looking for and that's not what you want or who you are, there's no contest, no competition - and there's nothing wrong with you for not wanting to be there. Who would?! No reflection on you at all - only a clear picture of what his terms are!
You are so positive. You teach us to not take things personaly. And also do whatever that makes us happy
Because we've only learned how to do the opposite, Nadia. Our programming runs so deep. Just knowing how different our lives can be because we have the power within us to change this is such a positive, beautiful thing!
Again, Jane, your words resonate the truth. My friend is making making his own choices. No matter how much I try to encourage him to bring more love and peace into his life; he is the one making the choice to live as he does. When I choose to listen to what he is telling me, I see the truth as it is. It's so liberating to know that his choices have nothing to do with me. I am free to live my life and that is what I intend to do. Life is good and I want to enjoy every day as one who is highly blessed, because I am.
Bravo Anne-Marie!!!
I'm so glad this resonates with you, Anne-Marie. You are so blessed! And we are all blessed to have you here! 🙂 Feel that freedom of not being tied to his choices or making yourself responsible for what he does or doesn't do. We are always as free as we allow ourselves to be!
2 years ago, I was with my crush n in Oct 2013 he postponed the meetings 7x coz of work n Nov I was obsessed with him in wanting to talk but then he said on FB he doesn't have time to talk n make a time to do it coz work,sport n gigs were holding him up n kept him busy
On 31 Dec 2013 my crush deleted me n didn't say why, I asked him via txt why did u delete me n how i felt but no reply back. So Jan 2014 I kept re friending him but he kept declining my friend requests n come February 2014 he gave me a long msg saying he wants to be left alone so I left him alone n kept messaging to special occasions like his birthday, Xmas.
So then this year I played 1x on Words With Friends n beaten him n he declined my rematch games, gave him a FB birthday msg n he replied thanks & I felt like the friendship was slowly coming back.
I would like to rekindle my friendship with my crush in adding him as a friend on FB n idk whether to add him in sep like it was in 10 September 2013 or 1 week b4 Xmas with a Xmas msg n FB friend request n I know he's busy from Oct - Dec but he would get a break in January/February n knowing he has either mon or Tue off apart from the weekend.
Idk what to do with him, my friends say it's up to me when I want to add him as a friend but I have choices but mum would tell me to add him b4 Xmas n my friends say to add him now b4 he gets too busy. Idk what to do anymore.
Please move on. It is quite obvious that he wants no part of you. He said so. When a person shows you who and what they are believe. Certainly you know that he doesn't deserve to be in your circle,don't you?
Wendy,
I think you're banging your head against the wall with this one. On almost every single article Jane writes, Courtney retells her story over and over and over again. Going on for more than a year I think! The same story. I bet she reads none of anybody's responses nor listens.
Thank you, Wendy. We can always hope to somehow get through. 🙂
Let him come to you, Courtney. If you're always the one seeking him out, trying to engage with him on FB, all you've got is a one-sided relationship. That can only lead to heartbreak! Remember that no one can be too busy for someone they actually want to be with - this is how they choose!
Don't add him. move on. Don't be silly. You're too clingy. Let guys chasing you. Never chase them yourself. learn to value yourself and have boundaries.
Wow I cant believe how much this article relates to me right now. My partner of a year has gone out of the country for work. We were having a rough patch before he left but he left on a good note. Since he's been away I've only had very brief messages from him. I can see that he's on line chatting to others. I've been crying almost everyday and I don't know how I'll cope as he's not back for another two weeks. He's distant I can feel it. I know I need to let him go as he's done this to me before. He's made many broken promises. But I somehow fall for his words. I like all your articles but this one feels as though it was especially for me. Thanks
Kay, he is doing him chatting and doing this own thing, get out and do you, do what it is that you want to do, if you do not know what to do just start doing something instead of think and waiting on him!! There is so many memories that you could be making without him!! LIVE!!!
I'm sorry, Kay. I can feel your pain through your tears. Oh how those broken promises hurt, but when you see him chatting with others and he's not reaching out to you, it comes down to you taking care of you. Which pain is worse? Can you live like this? If you can, then do. But if you can't, pretending you can only makes it worse - for you. Take it up from the emotional. Step up in your power and see it for what it is. You won't change him, but you can choose for you. Whether with him or without him, you can do what you need to do for you.