One of our beautiful readers, Audrey, has lots of guys that seem to show interest in her, but many of them seem to just want to be friends.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane,
I am so thankful I have discovered your website. I feel more valuable just after reading a few of your posts and watching your first video.
I would LOVE your advice on how to stay out of the "friend zone."
Of course there are a ton of articles and posts out there, but I would love your advice in particular.
What should a girl do when a guy is showing interest in her via one-on-one time together and lots of texting, but is keeping her in the friend zone so that he can enjoy her companionship with "no strings attached"?
A lot of guys do this, and they also often do this with more than one female at a time. Guys often actively show interest in getting to know me but lately they tend to be guys who are not actually ready for a relationship. The last one kept wanting to get to know me and enjoy my company on his terms but nothing progressed, so I ended it after six months.
I really want to know HOW I can communicate, whether with words or actions, that I am not interested in getting to know guys who like me but "don't want a relationship."
Thanks so much!!!
- Audrey
My Response:
I’m so glad you found your way, Audrey. Welcome!
You are valuable - so much more than most of us ever believe we are!
The number one reason we fall into the “friend zone”, is because we forget to set boundaries around what we want, and what we don’t. We fall into it, literally, because we’re not clear about what it is we’re looking for, and we’re not clear about what it is we’re willing to accept – and what we’re not.
We don’t know our own terms, and yet we’re willing to accept his. It’s a recipe for heartbreak that almost all of us have some experience with.
It begins in our own minds. We think we know what we want, but because we don’t truly value ourselves or believe we deserve to have what we want because of a myriad of individual reasons, we don’t notice the signs that arise early on.
Sometimes because they’re so subtle. Mostly because we don’t really want to see them when everything else is going so well. And especially because those beginnings can be oh so full of potential.
From there, it’s not much of a stretch to exude an energy, a vibe, that says I’m willing to put up with anything if you’ll choose me. We don’t even realize we’re doing this, but he does. He picks up on it as subtly as it may seem to anyone else.
It’s this type of guy you’re attracting and attracted to because of a belief that you do want him to choose you!
In both my observations and first-hand experiences over many, many years, there are two types of women. The women who fall into the “friend zone”, and the women who never, ever get put there.
There’s no difference between the two groups except for one thing: the latter would never tolerate being put there. So they don’t have to.
Why?
Because of something called clarity. They know what they want. They know what they don’t. They know they don’t have to be anywhere they don’t want to be. They know this isn’t the only guy around, so they don’t think of him as if he were.
They don’t look to him for their worth.
They don’t give themselves away too soon. They date many different men so that they’re never too available for any particular one until they’ve had enough of a chance to get to know each one well enough to see who’s on their same page, and who’s not.
They don’t give their hearts, minds, or bodies away until they’ve seen a man prove himself worthy of them. And he must be on the same page.
They don’t fool themselves. They keep themselves busy with their own lives. They don’t settle for second best. They know that at the end of the day, a man is there to make their already great life even better – not worse, and not the only thing.
You’re that kind of woman, Audrey, even if it doesn’t feel like you are!
It’s only our conditioned responses, the stories we’ve made our own, and the messages we’ve bought into that make us otherwise.
Communicate you’re not just any woman by embodying that. What does she say? What does she do? How does she act?
If she knows she has such a gift in embodying her own feminine mystique, does she treat herself like a gift? Or does she show him that she’ll take whatever he’s doling out without a commitment to back that up?
This is how you communicate with any man.
You communicate through your words and actions by embodying this intention within yourself. Your actions say so much more than your words ever can, so you hold back a little mystery.
You don’t share or give too much of yourself because you can’t know in the beginning whether or not this is someone who wants what you want, too. You slow things down enough so that you don’t get ahead of yourself – or allow him to.
If he’s only interested in a casual fling or friends with benefits relationship, he’s the one who will want to speed things up. Don’t let him!
And don’t be afraid to speak your mind, to be direct and tell him what it is you’re looking for. But then back that up with your actions. Many a man has heard us say what we’re looking for, and then settle for so much less than that simply because he’s pouring on the charm or making promises he can’t keep.
It’s your actions that communicate what type of women you are!
Don’t accept last minute dates and make sure you’re not always available. Not because you’re playing games, but because you're really not available - because you’re so busy creating your own life and living that life!
If you’re waiting around for his texts, always available for last-minute plans and not making plans of your own, he’s going to pick up on that without you saying a word. Show him you have a life. Not for him, but for you.
And make sure you’re not just dating him. This again, is for you, not him, because if you’re dating more than one guy you’re not as likely to be getting intimate with any guy too soon.
This is so important!
While men think more clearly after becoming intimate, the opposite is true for us. The only time we have a clear head is before we go there, not after!
I hope this helps answer your question, Audrey. I’m sure you’re not the only one who’s going through this.
Love,
Jane
What do you have to say to Audrey? So many of us have been here before. Share your story – and your thoughts – with her in the comments below!
Just let him know you don't tolerate the friend zone that you won't put up with it if you like a guy just tell him you want to date him that if he wants to be just friends he can go now
This is a classic scene. A man who wants to friendzone a woman is like an employee who wants a job they get to come to whenever they want and get paid a full time salary regardless of how hard or often they work.
I've been through this sooooooo many times. I normally get used all up and then thrown away like an old dirty dishrag. These men really took me though it because I was not right myself.
Most of these guys have lots of female friends, and they use these sorta relationships as validation, easy access to sex, money, opportunity, these women/friends are just means to an end. Don't become one of them. You deserve a man who loves you as a person, not a play thing.
I had a man who did this to me. Worst experience of my entire life. I fell for him because I bought into the friendship lie he told me. He played me like a fiddle. Told me he loved me, as a friend, and that he wasn't ready for a relationship but wanted me to be available to have sex with him when he wanted it, wanted to use my car, my talents, my money, used me as a counselor when he was going through troubles with the woman he told me he loved and wanted to be with, his ex-girlfriend. I was also a convenient cook and an emotional crutch. This man took me through the ringer and had the audacity to get mad when I told him I'd found someone who wanted more. He actually still wanted access to me although I told him I was dealing with another man.
He tried to friendzone me and I said no thank you. You don't get to choose twice. You said you did not want a friendship and that's your choice. Now you don't get me at all, you don't choose to make me a friend against my wishes. That's so selfish. You don't get to put me in a box that is good for you.
So as hard as it was to move on, I had to. I deleted his number, I stopped answering him at all, I deleted him from my social media and then I came here to really heal myself. I've been working on my own life and trying to figure me out. What makes me happy, what I have to contribute to the world.
I'm so much more than someone's lap dog door mat. Don't allow yourself to be the good time girl who keeps her mouth shut while she's unhappy in this situation. This is no kind of life for anyone. Waiting, hoping, wishing, dreaming.
Get out there and live. I'm confident that no matter how much this guy tried to tear me down, there's a man out there who wants all I have to offer. I need someone to be as excited about me as I am about him. Until then, I'm just going to be excited for myself, for the stronger, more beautiful, more confident, more self assured woman I'm becoming, with or without a man.
This couldn't have arrived at a better time ,now I know why he's only available when wants what he wants,cause he was in the drivers seat,not anymore!thanks much for sharing this articleJane
I've learnt the hard way too, but its a life lesson. You need to tell the guy your dating what you are looking for, it will stop the heartbreak from occurring. Be sure you know what you want too and don't give your self to any man that is not looking for the same things in a relationship.
Wise words, Shelley. They usually are when they come from our own "hard way" experiences. When you've been there, you understand like few else can. Thank you.
I have always been clear about what I am looking for in dating. The men would move forward and do the right things such as follow up, advance notice for dates etc. Just about the time that I think maybe this is going somewhere I somehow get the "friend zone talk".
I asked my best male friend why don't these men think of me in a sexual way? This was his response:
You are like the steak that every chef dreams of cooking some day. The marbling is good, the age, the cut but they fear trying because they might make a mistake with it and because this cut is so good it takes time, paitence, money and effort .
He heard that if he marinades the steak though it cooks faster. In other words if he can put you in the friend zone you may want to cook (sleep with him) sooner. He had to put no real effort, paitence or money into the investment. If he gets you in the friend zone, he hopes you will come to him because you will fall for him with no work on his end.
So many women complain that men don't want to commit but it is because we have lowered our value. Sleeping with them too early hoping they will like us more. Accepting friends when we want more. If more women would demand that they only get "cooked" by the best chefs we would see more cooks learning what they need to do for the opportunity to get us in their kitchen.
Great analogy!
Exactly, Cris. Such a telling analogy! You've explained this in a way most of us can relate to. It's the change that comes from us that changes this pattern - that changes this culture! - and changes him, far more than we realize.
Yes I had this too kind of, but I am very clear in what I want.
I dated a guy like 2 times and were texting/calling like 2 months. Now I really paid attention to what he was telling & how he was living his daily life. But my intution was telling , there is something about him. He is ok but something , a feeling inside me said "no he is not interested in serious stuff".. Just a fling..
I also flirted and made a funny atmosphere, and inbetween I would ask questions. This way it was playfull but also serious.
Now what happend.. We were on date 4 and he wanted intimacy.. And I told him honestly that it was fun knowing him & being with him. I really really liked him!
But that my feeling is , there is something thats telling me he is not ready for a girl like me.
Then he told me at the date he just broke up with his ex and was friends with her. But that he is dealing with it. It was like 3 months , that he broke up with his ex...But that he wanted a relationship with me. He wanted to date more.
Well I was like, damn my inution is good! I ain no rebound haha
So I said , you deal with that & when your ready.. Maybe if we are both single in future.. Call me. I am not interested in friendship.He was cool about it & told me he was goin to travel etc.. Never heard of him again...
I really am open for a relationship & was afraid to say it to a guy... But not anymore
And offcourse I want friends, but I am going to date guy, to get to know him. Which is friendly based at first, but at a certain point you want to build a relationship. So what I have learned, you can look at his behaviour. The way he lives. Sometimes the question "what are u looking for" is not even relevant. You already read it!
"Sometimes the question "what are u looking for" is not even relevant. You already read it!" - oh how true this is, Maris. Our answers are usually ckearkt written on an action somewhere if we're willing to see with our eyes wide open. Yes, your intuition is that good! Don't ever doubt it! When you love like you do, when you feel like you do, when you are as sensitive as you are, your intuition will always let you know if you allow it to. It's always looking out for you.
Audrey has come to the right place for advice. And you're right, she's not alone.I have a male friend too in my life. I I have well-meaning older women friends who give me advice because they love me and want me to be happy. I realized that over the past few months, they suggested a lot of the same advice that I'm getting here but I was not ready to hear it now. Today, I am and I hope Audrey is too. I hope Audrey will choose to put first herself first for a change. I need to do the same myself. I believe the time we take to look after ourselves will pay huge dividends down the road. We won't settle for just a friendship but embrace a healthy and happy relationship; one well worth the wait.
And it will, Anne-Marie. Today is a new day. Today is the day you're ready to hear what you've needed to hear. Don't look back at what you weren't ready for until now; timing is everything. We're never ready until we're ready. And then the really good stuff can begin!
Amazing time on this topic for me. A man I want badly, that I dated for a while, has moved far away. I was to go visit him, but he informed me that he is dating someone there and he is committed to seeing it where it goes. It was extremely self centered of him to talk about plans for during my visit, then drop that news on me. I cancelled the trip. I emailed him that if I hear from him again, I'll know that he's available, because I don't want to hear from him otherwise. Told him relating to him with some boundary around him I can't cross feels too toxic.Its like he didn't get it! He replied he still wants me in his life in some way, and he wants to call me this weekend and talk about it.
What words do I use to tell him I'm not interested in being friends without sounding bitter and snotty. Or should I just avoid the phone call?
Meg, don't fall into this trap. If he keeps you in his life, while he's dating someone whom he is committed to seeing how things turn out, you'll become the side girl. I'm willing to bet the other woman doesn't know about this. This is not fair to her and you !
You have made your point in your first email, if he does not accept this, you delete him and ignore him. If you want to send a last email to make things crystal clear, you can say:
"I'm not trying to be rude but this is not alright with me and not fair to me" Good luck in the future. (something like that) if he keeps continuing to persuade you, ignore him/delete/block.
Meg, you can find a guy who's single and wants to be with you and doesn't have strings attached.
That happen to me....I clearly stated "Please do not call my number again and when you see me keep walking as if you never had met me!!!"
That's one conversation I wouldn't have, Meg. He's already told you everything you need to know with these words - "he informed me that he is dating someone there and he is committed to seeing it where it goes." That's all the information you need to set you free. You're human. You're going to feel whatever this feels like to you. But take it as a gift; you've been saved from so much more heartbreak from a man who thinks it's ok to behave this way with you. You have better things to do with your time and energy than to go around the block again with him!
Ladies,
You don't need a guy friend. I've never had one and I don't feel like I've missed out on anything. I prefer female friends who are on the same level as I am and have some things in common. If you have a boyfriend, there is your guy friend! You know the whole package. (he's your lover, friend, confidant, mate etc.)
The article is spot on! but putting this into action is not that easy (well..I'm working on it)
Thanks for adding to the conversation, Elisia. And before you're too hard on yourself, remember that we're all a work in progress. 🙂
Wow, Jane, it's like you knew I needed this. And all these women who are commenting are truly amazing and wise.
I think I might be in a situation now where I'm being friend zoned by this guy I'm really starting to like. We were introduced by a friend a few weeks ago, and up until yesterday he had been contacting me every day. We have our 2nd date scheduled for tonight. It's actually a double date to some kind of banquet. I'm not going to break the date, but I'm definitely going into it with new insight and clarity. I have a question though. At want point do you make it clear about what you're wanting?
When it feels right to you, when the situation lends itself to a natural way of having that kind of conversation, when you sense the need to, Stacy. There isn't a one-size-fits-all answer here. Listen to him, observe what he says and most importantly, how he behaves. And then listen to yourself. Sometimes we work this into a place that fits in a light, easy, but still clear way if that suits us best. Other times, we confidently state what we want if the opportunity arises where we feel it fits. The goal isn't to bowl him over by our clarity; it's to confidently assert what we feel in our hearts we need to say to be true to ourselves. Listen to your own gut instincts and your trust your own intuition to tell you when and if that time is right. You know better than anyone else. Here's to new insight and clarity! I'm so glad this spoke to you right now! 🙂
Thank you Jane!!
My pleasure, Stacy! 🙂
Jane,
Thank you so much for this article. It is so true. I really connect with it, especially the part how I have subtly communicated to a guy that I was willing to tolerate anything if only he would choose me. That is truly what I fell into, because I didn't want to pay attention to the warning signs that I was in a friend-zone situation. With the last guy, the reality was, I did want him to choose me, and I subtly communicated that with my actions; accepting all the last-minute plans... doing lots of messaging between getting together, always being available. I did want him to choose me but then later, after lots of reflecting, I realized I did not actually choose him anymore but that I could find a much better situation. It's painful to look back and see what I allowed to happen, what I walked right into. It makes me wince that I communicated that I was willing to tolerate being friend zoned because I hoped so much it would become more later down the road. But all I can do is recognize the worth I have and not fall into the trap again of wanting to be chosen by someone who is friend-zoning me. Thank you for this article that is so on-target.
I'm so glad this connected with you, Audrey. You're so very welcome. You're not alone in this - as you can see! - and it's not just you; there is so much programming out there that makes it so easy to fall into this trap. Recognizing it in the first place is how we begin to change it. You're on the right track. Go easy on yourself as you walk through this. We don't get here overnight, and we aren't always able to change it that fast either. 🙂
Audrey, take Jane's advice, pay attention to his actions!! If is not lining up to what YOU want then keep it moving. I am so busy with my life that Mr. Right has to get on board or be left in the dust!! I am a seasoned woman and I have been through it all, lie to, cheated on, standby, etc. It taught me that if I move in my own time and space, I do not have time for nonsense which is immature, insecure, and selfish men. Audrey if you do not want to be in the friend zone don't be!! Know what you want!!! LIVE!!
Thanks, Davis. Yes, I ended the situation with this guy and haven't contacted him since. It feels good 🙂
Exactly, RealDavis! Actions, actions, actions. They say so much if we're willing to really see them for what they're telling us. Ironically, that's the hardest part of all; seeing.
Jane has already said it.
However, I'll throw in my one cent.
There's nothing wrong with being friends but here's the caveat: friendships with men are different from friendships with women and you need to treat them differently. My experience has shown me that whereas you can turn a girl into your go to gal, super best friend who you tell everything and hang out with almost every weekend or time you have free and even otherwise, you cannot do the same with a male friend. Men like female friends for these reasons: they like feminine presence in their life, it allows them to access their sensitivity and to open up about their stuff, and if she gives them access, they get sex. So beware. I personally keep male friends at arm's length. Whenever I meet a guy, I'm on the look out for his words. Men always blurt out what they're after, ALWAYS. Listen, pay attention. Whenever I pick up from him that he's not interested in finding a girlfriend, or at least not in me, and I like him, I swiftly cut availability. I don't answer texts right away and I don't initiate contact ever. I am polite, but distant. No hangouts alone, no flirting of any kind and very to the point comments on their problem sharing. That way I'm not allowing myself to be put in the friendzone.
No one can put you there if you don't allow it.
Angel,
Wow I love your statements. I wish every man and woman on the planet right now would read them. Everything you have said is just so true. Any woman who has had the painful experience of being friend zoned and getting those mixed messages from a guy knows that you are 100% on target. Too bad it has taken me a few of these scenarios to really learn, deep down, that sometimes men will give positive attention, and often times, charm, to attract women into the friend zone where they can enjoy the many benefits that camaraderie with women has to offer without wanting a relationship. At least that is what I have fallen into. And these guys have sometimes admitted some romantic interest in me in order to keep me there, so that I won't leave the friend zone, but rather stay there and hold out hope for more to happen down the road. It is up to us women, though, to listen carefully to what the guys are saying. You are right; they always blurt out what they want! It's so important to really listen when a guy says, "I don't want a relationship with anyone" or "I want to build female friendships right now" or "I don't want anything exclusive." They really mean it when they say it. It has been so easy, though, for me to fall for the positive attention: the many texts, the many last-minute invites, etc etc etc. But after this last friend-zoning scenario I was in, I have really learned my lesson this time. Thanks, Angel, for your words of wisdom.
You're very welcome, Audrey. Believe me, it took me years and years to finally understand this. It stemed from my inferiority complex. Any little attention and I thought he might be it, I thought I had to let him get to know me and try for him to like me. That's how I ended up in the friendzone almost 12 times from the time I was 12 to last year at 28.
I wanted to find out how to fix what was wrong with me, because I really believed I was defective. It has been a full year of healing, recognizing and understanding that the reason I was friendzone was because I was putting myself there.
There is no such thing as mixed signals. Mixed signals are a clear indication that he's not the one and you need to move on. When a man is interested in you, he'll say it and show it. You will have no doubt at all. Trust me. Anything else means he's not interested.
"Whenever I meet a guy, I'm on the look out for his words. Men always blurt out what they're after, ALWAYS. Listen, pay attention. Whenever I pick up from him that he's not interested in finding a girlfriend, or at least not in me, and I like him, I swiftly cut availability. I don't answer texts right away and I don't initiate contact ever. I am polite, but distant. No hangouts alone, no flirting of any kind and very to the point comments on their problem sharing. That way I'm not allowing myself to be put in the friendzone." - Thanks for sharing this, Angel. Your experience always helps someone else to see what they can't always see for themselves!