One of our beautiful readers, Elizabeth, is wondering how to get out of the friend zone with a guy who, by all standard definitions, seems to be interested in her, but is telling her that he's not attracted to her.
Here's her email:
I've read most of your emails and find them very inspiring. I have a unique situation of friend vs lover.
I've had a crush on a 29 year old male, I am 30.
We have traveled together to Japan and plan to do so in the future to Switzerland, Utah and possibly China.
He's what I call a shy nerd, had only one girlfriend in his whole life and only for 3 months. I never had one myself aside from online boyfriends and dates from online dating sites.
He's smart, goofy, sincere and handsome.
He and I clicked playing baseball and talking about nuclear fusion. We attend lectures together that inspires the future. We have spoke about advances of the world and books we love to read. Our parents get along, and we feel comfortable together. He would drive an hour just to see me almost every weekend and if I don't talk to him for more than a week he'd be 'concern' and call and text til I reach him.
I expressed my feelings for him and he declined it, more than once. Sating he was unattracted to me.
Usual response?
Ignore him and continue life. But he won't let me!
He'd text and insist why am I ignoring him? If I am upset with him, or if I state "I am busy" he'd prod as to "what have you been doing?"
My heart feels that deep down inside that nerd there's a piece of him that likes me, but...I think it's just false hope. I can't shake it off. He insist he only likes blonde white women. (We are both Hispanic and brunettes.)
I even suggested he'd find a girlfriend to go to the German trip with and leave me out, but he insisted there won't be one and "What if she doesn't want to come with me!?".
What is wrong with me? Why can't I let him go?
It hurts to lose my friend, yet my heart says 'something is there' but blocked or pushed away. Are my instincts broken? Is my intuition wrong? I feel I can't trust those feelings as just 'projections' of my own.
He knows he doesn't want me, so what gives? Why does he like me so much as a friend but won't push for more?
How could a guy like a friend so much and not even bother giving her a romantic chance?
- Elizabeth
My Response:
Dear Elizabeth,
Your instincts aren't broken at all. In fact, your heart is telling you the truth. There is a part of him that likes you, more than just a projection of “your own”.
There is nothing wrong with you. You just can’t let him go because of what you know.
But as much as you are right about there being something there on his end, it's one thing to know this and another to do what we always do next; for this is exactly the place where we come in and start our own “projections” to the detriment of our beautiful selves.
Because it doesn't mean the same thing to him as it does to you.
If you were him, all you would need is to like someone, and you’re ready and willing to take a chance on him and see what more there might be for the two of you together.
But this is where the reality check comes in. You’re not him. And he doesn't think like you do.
Your most accurate statement here is this recognition by your heart that “something is there” but blocked or pushed away. He’s doing the blocking or pushing away. He feels that part of him that likes you and that’s why you’re getting as much from him as you are.
But it will never be enough to build a real relationship on if what you’re looking for is more than you’re getting from him right now. That’s why he tells you that he’s not attracted to you. That’s why he insists he only likes “blonde white women”.
These explanations all give him an out.
They all allow him to be free, to have whatever he has with you on his terms without you pressuring him for more.
But it’s also how he keeps you holding on, questioning what’s wrong with you, wondering why you can’t let go. Because this is the setup for what so many of us buy into. We know in our heart of hearts that there’s something there for him regardless of what he says or doesn't say. And we process this the only way we can; in our own way.
In our own beautiful way that can’t understand for a moment – and yet, we’ll try for hours, days and even years – how someone can have feelings for someone and not act on those feelings. It’s the only way we know.
But for them, it’s so much more than that.
It’s only a feeling, and they've been conditioned so well to ignore those feelings. Because deeper than those feelings, are so many other things going on for them. There’s something far more comfortable for him in knowing he doesn't have to get too close or reveal himself too deeply by keeping you at an arm’s length or at least, on terms that are most comfortable for him. It works so much better for him being able to reach out to you like you’re seeing him do “to check in” and make sure you’re still going to be around for him if, or when, he’s ever ready to settle down.
You see, there’s something he can do so much better than you, and it’s not something you ever want to be able to do.
Compartmentalize.
He can take what he feels for you in friendship, in romance and put it in a separate place than where he puts all the other things going on for him that keep him holding his space, and keeping any type of commitment on his part at bay. They don’t have to meet.
He doesn't need to give someone he likes so much as a friend a romantic chance.
And that’s why you can’t leave this up to him. He’s not you. You’re not him. It’s why you have to believe what he tells you knowing he’s giving you the most he can. You can’t look past the reality of what he says and what he does and put “what you would do if you were him” on him. Because you’re not.
You have to make this about you. About what you deserve. About what you want. And if it’s him but with a different action on his part, it's not him.
It’s the hardest part of knowing someone like this. Allowing the two of you to choose different paths even though you hold a piece of the same thing; a feeling for each other.
It’s just not enough.
And he shows you this and tells you this enough times to make sure you know.
Don’t take it personally, Elizabeth; it’s not. Not to him.
It’s where he’s at.
He probably doesn't even know why. He just knows this is how it feels better to him. Keeping you close enough because he knows what he has with you, but also at a comfortable distance because he also knows he doesn't know if he’ll ever be ready to anything about it.
I know mere words can’t fix this for you when you long so much for a fix, but I hope this helps to understand more of the picture – more of his story. Take your own life by the horns and run with it. Don’t leave it up to him to decide whether or not he’s going to “let you”. No one can stop you from doing what you want to do if you’re sure you really want to do it.
His life isn't yours to fix or understand. And trying to fix him, to rescue him or to understand why he can do this and you can’t is only crazy-making for you. That’s the point; you have to decide what you want with him and make sure you have this clarity within yourself.
It’s not going to come from him.
What do you think? Do you have any more words of advice or encouragement for Elizabeth, stuck in the "Friend Zone"? Share them with us in the comments!
Dear Jane,
A year ago I came to this forum as I was friendzoned and I wanted to know whether is was worthy to continue.
In the mean time so much happened that I now truly know that my ex treated me really disrespectful.
I still read your articles and I can now one year later say that I am stronger, feeling en looking better than I ever did. By moving to one of my favourite cities I learned to take a look at myself.
What I gained is that I value myself again. I know what I have to offer and that I did nothing wrong.
He may not have loved me the way I did, but it doesn't mean that he had the right to manipulate, cheat, lie to me while giving me hopes.
What I also learned is that I need to trust my gut feelings. I believe in my insights about my situation, how I believe he truly loved me besides everything. Everybody has an opinion about my situation and how bad he is. I know that I didnt want to hurt me but that something is/was not ready to face his emotions. Trusting on that instinct gives me rest, as with that knowledge I now know that I didnt do anything wrong. It are his emotional problems. So instead of waiting for him, and instead of trying to change him I am actively taking care of myself. I tried dating and I haven't found the one, but at least I get to meet new people. I do have feelings for him and I am hurt, but I trust that life and God will guide my pathto were it has to be and to the right man. I learned that I can forgive him despite the pain. More importantly, I learned that I deserved so much more. And he will when he matures realise that he treated a very special girl extremely bad, guilt which he has to live with.
Thank you Jane for all your blogs and articles! So many people out there that also will learn to stay true to themselves! Trusting their instincts and knowing that life will run it course.
Isa
And I remember you, Isa. So nice to have an update from you! "Beautiful" is what comes through for me and what I want to say to what you've shared here; I'm so thrilled that you've discovered your own truths, your own power and have discovered this freedom for you! Learning to not take on what isn't ours is such a huge lesson, and one you've found for yourself. "So instead of waiting for him, and instead of trying to change him I am actively taking care of myself." - yes, exactly, Isa. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I know it always easy, but when you realize just how much you deserve, everything else begins to fall into place. You're so very welcome - I'm always here for you! 🙂
Thank you Jane!
You make us realise that we have to believe our instincts and that we deserve the best! Just by believing in ourselves and to give ourselves what we need.
After my very complicated situation I feel now finally that I am over it for 98%. But most importantly, even without his cheating, I would never ever want to go back to the way it was as I was under appreciated!!
I will continue to read your blog now and then but for sure I will never let anyone else treat me like that again.
With love Isa
I think he cares about her as a friend and person but it doesn't mean he wants to be romantically involved. A guy will let you know if he's attracted... Sounds like he doesn't have a lot of experience anyways which is questionable in itself.
Thanks for adding your perspective to the conversation, Kylie. I know you've been through a lot; are things going any better?
I think there are lots of other guys about there who would be happy to date you that will play basketball with you, talk about nuclear fusion, and travel, even play video games and go to plays if that's your thing.
I feel like you are settling on this guy, and trying to make something work with him since he is always there and you all have a lot in common. But take it from me - if one day he meets someone and starts bringing heron your trips, you are gonna be hurt. It's almost like that saying "Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free?". He has you to fill up his time with while he figures himself out, if he wants to be with you or wants someone else. My thought is keep making plans with him, but go and date and meet other people, and bring when you like someone bring them along, either you will strike up a great relationship with someone who wants the same things as you, or maybe your friend will be jealous and wake up.
Thank you for this, Portia. You've said this so well.
Hi Elizabeth how are you doing,I believe you are doing very fine.i know want feel at now about loose the person you love so much with all heart.In life we need to learn to allow want we love almost to let go and we remain we if our life.Elizabeth you need to trust God and love God with all heart.let that man go from you life God who give you the best man who shall love you and honor you,remember God time is always the best in our life.believe,trust,hope and love God.i being that place be loving someone who never loved me I'm still single because women disappoint me like that you love them the don't loved back.seek peace within your heart live in peace and keep peace and who keep you.
I believe in God and love him but find it conflicting because why would he bother putting this friend in my life anyways? To learn a lesson? It seems inefficient and pointless to do this whole excersise for just a 'lesson'. I don't think God has any contribution to our love lives simply because we have free will.
The free will to choose a good partner or accidentally pick a bad one.
I don't get how some get the perfect guy and others come out sadly empty handed, does God have favorites? It's too heartbreaking to accept that and seems erroneous.
My take is, it's not God's responsibility. I think Jesus has better things to do than worry if I have a date with my friend.
Hi, Elizabeth. You've got something there with what you just said. I share a very similar view. Our lives are our responsibilities. We are co-creating situations, my dear. It is just fuzzy because there's so much we have forgotten. Please take it from me. I have been Miss Friend zoned for the 29 years of my life. I am hispanic, too and that struck a chord. Please don't do this to yourself. I have done it and I have really hurt. In fact, I am still getting over the last guy who I allowed to friend zoned me. It has taken me so long and so much to realize I have done this to myself because I allowed it. It sucks and all, but just so you know, there's never friendship when one is harboring feelings that are not reciprocated. How can there be honest friendship there? It's delusional, sweetheart. Please walk away with your dignity and self esteem intact. Let that be that and go out and find someone who adores you for the wonderful girl you are. You deserve nothing less. Big hug
Thank you 🙂 big hugs to you too
We don't deserve it. I have to love myself enough to say 'enough'. I wish love for you too.
Every time I accept just his friendship is a mark of anti-love with myself.
Accepting the friendzone is saying "I don't love myself".
Friendzone = self hate
Walking away = I love myself more, sorry, k thx bai.
Exactly
Thank you everyone andJane for your loving insight. I plan to cut off our friendship slowly, eventually he'd prod and miss me but I deserve a loving partner not his side plate.
It will hurt so much....I love our friendship. I may have to reconsider traveling with him. It's hard finding a trusting traveling friend too. Been seeking one for years.
I wish he wasn't such an idiot.
Love
You're so welcome, Elizabeth. Don't be too hard on yourself; you're not "such an idiot". You're human. And trust me on this one, if you haven't already noticed, you're not alone. You're among so many of us who falsely believe we can change someone or make them love us. And we find out the hard way, too. Be so proud of yourself for having the courage to reach out on here and ask for an outside perspective - and then being willing to put yourself first and do the most loving thing you can do for you - even though it hurts. That takes courage!
Hi, I am in a similar situation myself, been seeing this guy for over a year, very sweet, very attentive, a real gentlemen, only problem he's 53, never left home and doesn't want a commitment. Yes, he wants sex and continually wants to get closer, but I am holding out hoping it will lead to a committed relationship. Says he misses me if he hasn't seen me for a couple of days, often just drops in. He gives me emotional support, which is wonderful, as in the last couple of years I have come out of a 40 marriage in which my ex was emotionally neglectful to say the least. He was a hard worker and provided well and his last words to me were "the reason he didn't get along with one of our daughters was he was too much like her". She has Aspergers Autism. I was shocked he saw himself so clearly, but could never open up to give me the support I so badly needed. The guy I am seeing now says he would be disappointed if we don't have sex, but I am a bit old fashioned and see having sex as taking it to the next level. Any thoughts on all of this.
Don't you dare give in to the sex, he'd just use you!
You're not just old-fashioned, you're doing exactly what I always recommend, Joy. Having sex does take things to the next level and changes things for us, no matter how much we think it won't. Don't give yourself away before you have the level of commitment that you're looking for from him, and before you know that he is worth all of you in the first place. Because that's what you give him when you're intimate with him. If he doesn't want a commitment and you do, you're not on the same page. Don't let anyone pressure you into something that isn't the full package when that's what you want. You deserve nothing less than this!
Hello,
Jane response is exact. As a frequent reader and I have posted in regards to a similar situation, I've learned greatly about moving from the 'friend zone'. And I am still healing from it today. If the guy wants more than friends, he has to make that decision and be certain about it, otherwise it will end up in mind and emotional games. You have to also weigh out the consequences of you both moving into something more. I was approached last year by a male friend who said he 'became interested' after a night out with our crew. He seemed a cool guy since I'd known him for a few years. Long story short, his confusion with life and dealing with issues of life, caused a friendship, along with a relationship, to be lost and I had to deal with the hurt of opening up trust to someone again, dealing with the loss (because we had a good 9 months together), his confusion (he was telling me one thing, to keep me hanging on, but acting another way) and then wondering what was wrong with me. As Jane says, it's not you, it's him.
Life is too short and you deserve to be happy. Just like he wants you to accept where he stands, he has to learn to accept you have a life and if he doesn't hear from you at times, that's your right. That's one of the oldest 'games' in the book to keep us thinking about them. It will be hard to move on, but it would be harder if you all try something right now, in his mindset, and then it turns out not right and you're both dealing with the hurt and loss. Maybe later down the line, he will get his thoughts and feelings aligned and then you can see where it goes, if you're still available.
Thank you I will consider this.
Wise words that can only come from the first-hand experience of being there, Mariposa. Thank you for sharing. It's so very true.
I'm going to summarize something I read that was quite good: 1. Shift your focus. As in stop hanging out so much with him. Hang out with other friends, take some distance and date other men. Go out and see what you're missing. If he doesn't like you dating other people, be up front and tell him you want a relationship and if he cannot or doesn't want to give it to you, you have your right to go out and find someone who can and does. 2. When you hang out so strictly platonic things as in hang out with a group of other people, watch a game or something. No dinners together, no movies just the two of you much less in any of your home's. 3. Focus on yourself, what you like, call other friends with whom it's appropriate to share more.
The only way to get out of the friendzone is to not put yourself in it by being available to him whenever he feels like it. It's simple.
Besides think about this: he says "Oh I like white, blonde women, but I have such low self esteem that I know they won't want to go out with me so I'm settling for you while someone better comes along " In all honesty that what he sounds like to me and that is hugely disrespectful to you. You don't deserve that Elizabeth. Really. Women do not win men over much less being available like this to them. So cut your losses and put an end to the pitty hangout. Good luck.
Thanks for sharing this, Angel. You've got some real insight here. 🙂
Hello Angel. This is Kathy. I'm going to be talking to Jane here pretty quick for like the first or second time but just was reading ur message here to Elizabeth. And WOW, r u soooo ever rite. For 1, been down that road and for 2, I'm sick of players actually. Men r something. They know what they want and if it's not for that and what they want out of u if they do NOT want a serious relationship then it's nothing. Also, if it's NOT on their time or all about them, then u mys well kick them to the curb cuz I'm getting ready to speak the words 2 about 3 men that like to be players and I'm not waiting on NONE OF THEM. I'm almost 40 yrs old, come this March of 2015 and " LIFES TO SHORT TO WAIT AROUND FOR YRS ON END. I've NEVER been married and I do have 5 children and NOT W/ the father cuz he NEEDS to grow up so that's beside the point of this. So , I've went on to date, try to have a decent relationship but these men I go out w/ r JOKES. It goes on and on and on and nothing progresses in life even after u spoke a lot of words about it. They have excuse after excuse after excuse and things r like at pause. Even after like 3 yrs gave went by. WELL, the hell w/ that, even though there's a lot of good looking ones and all the positive things about the ones I've went out w/ , there's always something that their NOT going to tell u like " Friends w/ benefits" , I said, oh really, well, I don't think this is gonna go to much further so it's either JUST FRIENDS W/ NO BENEFITS OR A RELATIONSHIP OR IF U DONT WANT ANYTHING LIKE THAT cuz U want it ur way then guess we can't be friends either and I'll just have to kick ur ass to the curb and the hell w/ them all and just go w/ the one and only that wants to go further in a relationship and then down the road in the future plan for marriage. I'm tired of PLAYERS. Heck, there's places out there if the men want it that bad they can give a tip and go to it. " Bodyshops" , but I call them SLUT HOUSES. Lol. That's what they r cuz they show, plus, for money. So, shittt, why NOT name it or them that, rite??? Oops, sorry. It's true. Hope to hear bck from u and I'm going to speak some words to Jane real quick cuz I never really have to much time extra on my hands to be on here. Good Luck, gals and guys. - Kathy.
Hi, Kathy. Thank you for writing.
It has taken me a long time to see this even though I have been covertly co-creating this scenario my whole life. What has helped me is looking at my own pattern objectively and seeing how I have been responsible for part of the dilemma. It is always hard to look at ourselves as co-creators of all these painful situations, but it pays off. It helps us see more clearly and to choose more wisely. I have also discovered that I didn't know anything about men. Everything I thought I knew was more of an emotional interpreation because of the dynamic in my parents relationship, and what I had taken from my family, culture and friends. Every person has a perception of reality that may or may not be beneficial to them. The key is always to look at the situations clearly and our own beliefs and adjust in how we show up in the world. Especially, looking at our relationship with ourselves. We have to be our own guardians. That way we can avoid falling into traps. We cannot control what others do, but we can always do better for our own beautiful selves. I wish you lots of love and happiness. You deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are. Big hug.
Elizabeth, you don't need his permission or consent to ignore him, that's the beauty of it! Check out the book Ignore the Guy, Get the Guy. It's all about No Contact and how No Contact will be the best method for healing you and getting what you want the fastest (it will hurt for 2 months but you will be stronger after!)
You deserve so much better than what you're getting from this guy.
Thanks for sharing, Kate. We all have to find the path that resonates most with us. "You deserve so much better than what you're getting from this guy." - So true!
So, I started to read about casual friendship, like things used to be with me and her, before time went by, when we started to spend more and more time and nites together and I fell in love. Nothing here for me, folks.
Then Jane wrote..."He doesn't think like you do".
Of course...this is exactly about me and my experiences. (Except, mine was a she). Keeping me at arms length. Compartmentalize. Finding out the hard way that things were not as I saw them, or wanted to see them.
At least, this guy was up front and honest. Mine kept things quiet to keep the restaurants and holiday gifts coming. Maybe you should be glad it stays as friends, until you can be sure what you want in a close relationship with someone, and decide if he measures up.
Thanks, Wayne. No, she doesn't think like you do. I'm glad this resonated with you.
Hi----It would not seem that your friend is ready for a love relationship with anyone. Sorry that you are at stress. Is it possible that he may be attracted to men, but has not come out with this since he is is so slow in dating women???? Gay and straight both are beautiful. If you are truly interested in a love relationship, get out there and date some guys. Since you are friends with this fellow, he deserves the respect for you to tell him what you are doing and level with him that you likely will have less time for him even though you care for him.
There are cases where friendship does eventually turn to love. Just do not wait around for this to happen with him. If it is meant to be, then someday, but not now, it could happen for you two. Just my take.
Bee
Thanks for adding your take on her guy, Bee - something definitely to consider.
Several people told me this "he doesn't seem ready for anyone,...period". But shall I stick around and watch him go gaga for another woman and become awesome commitment boyfriend over night? No,...it breaks my heart too much.
Are there stages in relationships?
When you seem to come to a roadblock in a relationship how do you move forward?
One day you are on top of the world then something happens (your calls go unanswered)
do you work on iy or give up?
So confusing. When to try or is it a red flag telling you to get out.
no one wants to waste time, but the what ifs ar always there.
I m sorry I'm not being helpful, I guess I'm seeking advice as well.
Hi, Jen. What's going on? Is this about the new guy you met?
Hi Angel,
yes this was in regards to my ne guy. I'm my own worst enemy sometimes. Joe doesn't know I was feeling this way because I came to realize that it was my own doing not anything he had said or done. Things are going great with him. I think I just jumped a hurdle in how to be in a relationship. Don't think so much, just feel.
Thanks Angel 🙂
Ah yes, we are the queens of second-guessing ourselves. I know what you mean when you say we do things. Damn right we do and we do so much damage to ourselves. I don't really think there's a right way to be in a relationship. I think it is about just doing what we feel is best for us and letting life show us how it evolves. There's so much out there to be said about relationships and all, but I think it is just too much and too many hoops to jump through. Just enjoy yourself and be more aware about your own thoughts and feelings.
I'm glad things are going fine between you and this new guy. Just go slowly, take your time getting to know him well to see if he is worth you and your time.
Big hug.
Thank you Angel. You always say such nice comments. I look forward them 🙂
Be nice to connect with you
Hugs from me to you
Jennifer
Oh that would be wonderful. Connecting with other like-minded women is always welcome in my life. Are you on Facebook?
Big hug.
I am. Jennifer Lyn Parker
This is the safe place where you can always bring your questions, Jennifer; it's why I'm here! There are stages to relationships, but the specifics of how they're defined depend on the individual relationship and the two people involved. But generally speaking, the beginning is that "honeymoon" period, where both of you are on your "best" behavior, where you're bringing your best selves to the table as you get to know each other and find out just how compatible you are. Somewhere during this time, depending on how often you're communicating with each other and seeing each other to really get to know each other in different settings, you progress to a more comfortable stage where you're more comfortable being more of your real selves and you show each other more of who you are beyond your more "best" behavior selves. From there, it's just more of a progression to deeper levels of emotional and physical closeness depending on what both of you are comfortable with.
This is a general explanation, Jennifer, but it sounds like there's something specific going on here for you. If you haven't heard from him suddenly, when his behavior has been predictable before, I would give it some time before thinking of it as a red flag. How long has it been? Was there anything specific that happened just before you noticed this change? If it hasn't been an unusual length of time, he may have something going on for him that has nothing to do with you, and you'll hear from him again soon. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions just yet. Remember that nothing has changed the fact that you're still the one doing the choosing and this is one more piece of the puzzle of getting to know someone better and finding out if who he is and the way he behaves, is going to work for you. What you need still matters, and it's through experiences like this that you come to realize whether or not this is someone who is truly right for you.
I'm here for you!
I reached out to my friends and they all told me to relax and let it flow.
I went back to some conversations with him that may have been verbal cues.
I realize I still have some insecurities in regards to my relationships with my daughters that always bring out the worst in me.
I'm really paying attention to how he makes me feel when we are together.
I had he most amazing thing happen recently that I focused on.....let me share;
Recently while he was over I kept having all these thoughts running through my mind....great, fantastic, wonderful thoughts. I've never experienced anything like that before. ?
so Elisabeth, if you read this, I want you to know that I've been there too. This blog/forum has brought me lots of comfort and advice about hanging in there. I have similar views on Gods plan and I just started trusting my instincts. When I get confused I reach out to my friends and here for help. Sometimes you just need new perspective.
I sure
Sounds like you're doing just fine, Jennifer. Love that you're finding love and support here. 🙂
Thank you again Jane
I think we have moved from the honeymoon phase because we did spend a lot of time together and talkedmultiple times daily on the phone.
What I see happening now is that there isnt any planning. Im feeling like he is just kinda expecting me to be available when he is. Well yesterday and today when he wouldn't commit to plans with me I ended up making plans with my daughters. He seemed disappointed but I can't just sit around waiting for him to decide if he wants to see me.I like him a lot but I like me more. I guess time will tell. Im not seeing anyoneelse but I know there I some Iteinterested. I m feeling empowered by my daily realizations that my happiness is up to me not him. He hasn't made it clear that im his girlfriend so I still refer to him as a friend and guy Im seeing.
I do know that I feel fantastic when we are together. The phone conversations keep us in touch but its the together time that is necessary to keep things moving and progressing. If he wants more than he's gonna have to step up. I've made it clear that I want to see him so he needs to make it clear of his intentions not just say "I'll call you later"
Jane what you said is perfect. As for understanding and getting past this, this is the way to think and look at it.
To shake things up... since he is always checking on you and cannot seem to be away from you, I would tell him I can't see him because I am going out with someone else. (An really try to make that happen).
When he sees that, his attraction level might go up.
Or he could just back out completely.
But in my opinion you will not have lost anything.
He is keeping you at arm's length and I don't like that feeling.
I bet you don't either.
Thanks, Vic. And I'm glad you added the part about "And really try to make that happen". There's a huge difference between being hard to get and playing hard to get!
The best way to get out of the friend zone is to leave and find someone else as a lover.
Thanks for pointing out what doesn't always seem so obvious, Jackie.
Your right, it's the hardest part because it took so long to find a friendly handsome face and to let go hurts. Finding someone is difficult...