We say or do something we regret. We long for the chance to have a second chance to do it differently. We feel like we missed out on some amazing opportunity.
And then the worst damage we can ever do to ourselves begins; we beat ourselves up and label ourselves as damaged goods.
Oh we might come across on the surface like everything's OK, but only because we've learned over so many years how to play that part so well.
But inside, it's a different story.
We're mortified that we didn't handle the situation better, that we didn't listen to what we knew we should have done differently.
What's wrong with me? You wonder.
Why can't I ever get this right?
Why can't I be more like her [insert name of friend you secretly wish you were]?
And then the reality sinks in as we begin to see our pattern appearing once again. We've fallen into our old ways. You thought you were so close, so finally "there" in that place where you caught an all too brief glimpse of the way everything was working out, only to discover it was only an illusion because you forgot that you don't have to be anything except your true self with someone who's truly right for you.
He won't love me if I'm myself, you worry.
He won't want me if he knew the truth about me, you tell yourself.
He won't want to be with me if he knows just how insecure I am, you insist.
He'll end it with me if I let him see the real me, you say.
So let him, is what I say.
Because there's nothing wrong with you!
There's only the wrong person for you.
All this trying to be some image of what you think he wants or what you've programmed yourself to believe that someone who's wanted, someone who's lovable has to be, doesn't ever get you what you really want in the long run.
To be loved for who you are, the real you.
Go ahead if you insist on seeing it play out. Go ahead if you insist on being right. But soon enough you, too will come to see the reality that every one of us who has walked in those same beautiful well-meaning shoes of yours eventually discovers, there's no pleasing someone who isn't right for you.
You simply can't ever be enough for someone who's wrong for you.
But that doesn't mean we won't try. We think it's about proving we're enough. Proving to someone that only exists in our own programming that we finally were worth someone like this loving us. Proving that we're worthy of being loved for who we are.
And yet we're going about it in all the wrong ways! We're trying to show someone who will never be able to see that we're worthy because they can't give us what we want. They can't give us what we need. But we're going to try with them, rather than take a real chance on the one who's ready and able to give us exactly what we're looking for because we can't see it yet.
And that's OK, too.
You're not stupid, you're not a dummy, you're not weak – in fact there's absolutely nothing wrong with you! You're just not able to see this yet because your programming is still the first thing you go to when you feel rejected, when you sense that change in him, when you feel like he's pulling away from you.
Your programming tells you it's you. And it doesn't stop there; it tells you there's something so wrong with you.
But it's a lie.
And it's time to stop believing these harsh judgments we're so quick to put on ourselves without a second thought as to what we're really doing to ourselves.
If I could spend the day with you, we'd go for a long walk. And with each step, we'd get just a little farther away from that habitual place you've come to know where it's all about what's wrong with you.
To the place within your heart of heart where you know everything's going to be OK. Because it already is.
All those lessons learned, all those heartbreaks, all those moments of regret where you left yourself all alone to fend for yourself to try to climb back up to your true place among all the women who've come before you and learned the same thing for themselves. There's been a reason for all of them.
Climb out of that deep dark pit you've dug yourself and come into that light of where you deserve to be for no other reason than you exist.
This is your beautiful life to live for yourself.
Not for him. Not for them. Not for her.
Not for anyone else except you.
And before you go there, no, it's not selfish. No, it's not prideful or boastful. No, it's not arrogant.
It's the way we change things. It's the way you shake up your past programming that has you deferring to everyone else and forgetting that you matter, too.
Because you do.
And when you realize that, you'll come to see for yourself what it means to be absolutely convinced that there's nothing wrong with you.
This is such a struggle for so many of us. Convincing ourselves that we're OK in spite of what others might do with us. Why do we do this to ourselves?
I'd love to hear your thoughts. Share them with us in the comments!
Hi everyone, lovely to be here !
So I’m 56.
Briefly married once (disaster).
Been on my own for ten years now !
Trying online dating …
Met a guy (63) three months ago, had a bit of a whirlwind romance, totally fell for him.
Had a feeling he was keeping something from me … turns out he’s caring for his ex who’s in a mental hospital. He didn’t tell me, I found out from something I saw online.
I asked him if there was anything I should know and was he keeping something from me?
This was over text as we texted a lot as it was a long distance thing.
That was five weeks ago & I haven’t heard from him since !
I’ve texted dozens of times, tried to call him but he’s just cut me off and I’m devastated.
I’m blaming myself as I should have let him tell me in his own time.
Is there anything I can do ?
Help !
I am healing for myself, my mom, and both grandmothers. This programming stops with me. I had to go through it..to see it. I heard alot of pain through the females in my childhood, and it always bothered me.
It makes me sick ! And you ask, why do we do this to ourselves?
I ask, "Why do men, do it to us!"
The only one who can reject me, is me
The only one who can abandon me, is me
I will never again..Allow that, to my own self.
Never ceases to amaze how well we abandon ourselves!
Generational patterns we inherited too well.
My husband of 31 years told me he didn’t think he was in love with me anymore. Agreed to work on it before giving up, but went and got a girlfriend instead and just threw me away. I felt like a piece of trash, unworthy of love, not enough. What could I have done differently? How can I make him fall in love with me again. Through a great book, You can heal your life, and these emails, I am learning to love myself and realize that I am not trash, I can’t ‘make’ him love me or ‘want’ to be with me. I want to be with someone that does. I am enough and if he doesn’t see that, he doesn’t deserve me.
The irony that we have to realize that we're not trash. Oh Robin, I'm so glad these are resonating with you. Standing strong beside you, cheering you on girl! Don't stop for anyone who gives you reason to feel anything less than this! Much love to you!
Thank you so much for making this available .
So glad it helped, Jill!
My biggest problem is that I feel too old to start over. I'm 46 years old and my husband asked for a divorce after 17 years of marriage. I feel used, tossed away like an old rug because he found someone younger and with a Master's. I feel I'm not good enough. I feel guilty because I did things to push him away into someone else's arms. I feel there's no more life left for me to enjoy.
Say it with me, Addy - never too old, when it wakes us up is always the right time! It feels this way but it's not actually this way. When we feel the most out of control, we'll blame the only person we can control- ourselves. I will walk through this with you until you can see it too. And I am never ever giving up on you!
T his was like you knew exactly what I am going through this very minute amd b past month. The constant beat down of myself. That its me that is the problem and something is wrong with me. Just having trouble getting past rejection. Struggling bad.
It's never the rejection you think it is, Kathy. It's just one more confirmation that you've been choosing the wrong men and this is the only way you can EVER feel when you only choose them. It will always feel like you're the problem but it's choosing someone who's not truly compatible with you that's the only reason why this keeps happening to you. Much love to you!
I started seeing named Steve back in November of 2020 less than a month after we met his dad passed away. Things went downhill for us after that we never see each other. He used to call me when he could his mom passed away February 22nd 2022 and now he doesn't call me he text me at night sometimes he says that he loves me and doesn't want me to move back home to Ohio. But I can't help having the feeling that he really doesn't care about me or he would make time for me. I just can't seem to let him go and it's killing me.
What kills you more? Letting him go? Or holding on to someone who doesn't make time for you? I know it never seems this black and white, but underneath how it all feels, there's the reality of actions and behaviors that always tell you the truth. My heart goes out to you, but love was never meant to feel like it's killing you to try to keep telling yourself it's not the way it seems or to try to let someone go. Love loves you, it doesn't treat you like this.
This post took my breath away. I have actually used the words “damaged goods”. You have no idea how much I needed this mind shift. I am going to begin each day reading this post 💖 Do you know how thrilling it is to realize that you are enough as you are right now? Well done! xo
Oh Jill, I do! And I felt every word you said here just like I felt when I wrote it. I'll start every day with you right here. Much love to you, sweet soul!
I have a question for you. I just recently got a divorce from a 17 year marriage. He was my best friend, wr had a great marriage until his drinking got completely out of control, drinking and driving, abd even drinking as soon as he got up before work. I miss him terribly and feel like I will never feel that kind of love again. He is already in another relationship, well thats what his FB profile says. I gave him the choice of beer or me and he choose beer. I have someone thats interested in me and we've been friends since high school and have had a strong attraction, but I cant bring myself to let him in because I'm still totally head over heels in love with my ex husband.
Just remember, Marni, that what you're really saying is that you're in love with beer since he made your relationship about that. He did that. He chose that. Not you. Beer. Still in love?
I like reading your articles. You are spot on with how I am feeling. I think I need to manifest more feminine energy. I can be passive aggressive and I think this is what is making me friend hesitate to commit to me. We haven’t gone on a date or anything. He sends me mixed signals, and he told me he only see’s me as a friend. He calls & text all the time. I’m about to give up
Exactly right, Kimberly. He's going to sense everything you're not saying and not be able to trust you are who you're presenting as; namely, that there's some real anger lingering behind that passivity and he isn't sure about taking that on if/when it's directed at him! Don't give up, just get to the root of what you're passive about and why. This is often the breakthrough I see in my clients - around underlying anger and resentment that's had a lifetime to fester and presents in the socially acceptable - but not relationship helpful! - passive aggressiveness.
Omg!!!Your post are like reading myself in a mirror. I never thought anyone would know or feel what I do.Trying to constantly Validate my emotions. To tell myself your ok.All the lies I've believed about myself
Yes I've screwed up lots of times because I made the wrong choices because I was so desperate for someone to love me.To see me for me
Exactly, Naomi. There was ALWAYS an understandable reason for it that you deserved empathy for, not more judgement! Much love to you, girl!
Is been over 2 years and is been very lonely. My ex brainwashed my kids, it's me and the dog. I did the right thing by getting it after 28 years but now what? From a stay home mom to now a life that changed 100%.... awful!!
This message really designates with me and my life! It hit my heart hard. I have always blamed myself for everything that went wrong on every relationship I have had, romantic, and friendship, and family. It sucks to always blame yourself for everything going wrong. It's hard on your contious and it puts a toll on your future relationships. It's just easier than blaming everyone else though cause you know how strong you are and how to barry it away deep down. I can't stand to hurt people I love or want to love me so I hurt the one person I can live with hurting...me! I don't know any other way. I have done it my whole life! I don't know anything different or how to change it. I find a good person and don't even think I deserve it, and somehow end up ruining everything for myself and the person. If I get a loser though I will do everything I can to make it work! What's wrong with me. The worst part about it is I have a daughter and she is doing the same thing. Now I blame myself for her decisions because she saw me do it. It's kills me...is it to late for me or are there programs or a name for what I do to myself?
Martyrdom, Maranda. It's what most of us who find our way here were taught and rewarded for, and why my messages will resonate with you and you won't know why. When we see it in our kids, it finally wakes us up. No, it's not too late to change and to model that change for your daughter, too. My Beautiful, Confident, Radiant YOU program changes this and starts you on a different path. I could have written your words, girl. There's hope for you - and your daughter who will learn more from you than anyone else! My heart goes out to you, kindred soul. Much love to you! ❤
It’s really hard. I am 48 lost my husband to a brain tumor 3 years ago and I feel some guys are like wow that’s a crazy journey. I hate it. I need to get to where yep this is my life and I am positive and take it or leave it. I love watching your videos I do a lot of brain tumor talks on life and how precious it is.
Oh Susie, my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I tell this to women all the time - own where you've been, own what you've been through, and in this case, own every single part of what someone is responding to as "Wow, that's a crazy journey". That's how you find who and what you're looking for in everything. So glad you're enjoying my videos and I'm inspired by you and how you've turned this tragedy into a passion to spread the word about the preciousness of this one life we have!
I have to say
Your videos resonate so much with me
Especially the one about emotionally unavailable men.
When to walk away.
I’d like to think I am an amazing woman. My children are grown up. I own my own home and car. I’m studying to be a counsellor. I’m positive, kind caring loving and thoughtful. Many things that I’m fearful I still push through and do. I’m hungry to learn grow and evolve. BUT THE BIG BUT is I have always picked narcissists and emotionally unavailable men.
The last one ended it 8 weeks ago. I had pulled away for a while before that. I should of ended it months before. We were together for 18 months. He has some traits of a covert narcissist. He had been split up from his ex wife for 5 years. But still talked about her a lot. They have 3 adopted children together. Apparently it was her who couldn’t have kids. They were together for 27 years. She had an affair and had a baby boy. He’s still emotionally invested in her.
He said lots of nasty things to me. (To the outside world everyone thinks he’s brilliant. He does jobs for his mum and is with the kids, does jobs for me. All superficial) If I go with someone else he wouldn’t care. He said no one will hurt me as much as my ex wife did. I look better in jeans than a dress. My hair looks better straight then curly. He only saw me when he wanted. Not many texts. Didn’t tell me until we had been together for 15 months that he loved me. In the very early days he said, I may not be able to open to you if ever. Sex had stopped after a year. It was hopeless anyway. I always felt he wasn’t with me emotionally. Not very loving. I only ever had breadcrumbs. He only made me an option not a priority. Couldn’t talk about his feelings. No conversations. Very apathetic. It was awful.
Very unbalanced, limbo relationship. I felt alone, unloved, my self esteem was on the floor. I felt insecure. Unloved. I spent the whole relationship trying to prove my worth to him. He never appreciated me once. I could never be myself. He was so so quiet. He had no friends no hobbies no life. I wanted to go away on holiday. He didn’t
He just jamp to his ex wife’s every wim
I feel very grateful to be out of it. I do wish I had ended it. But I didn’t have the guts. I’m cross and angry with myself for not acting on the red flags, voicing my opinions and views. I would never question him and letting him talk to me like that. How stupid I was.
No, Sian, it's not stupidity, it's precisely what happens when we see someone's potential over their faults and keep giving than the benefit of the doubt to the detriment of ourselves. It's a subtle exploitation of you most beautiful qualities of all! He starts out being misunderstood and just waiting for someone exactly like you to come along and see right through to his soul like no one's ever seen him before. That's why you feel like soulmates for a little while until the reality slowly creeps up on you. Not because there's anything wrong with you but on the contrary; because there's everything right with you!
Thank you Jane.
That makes a lot of sense
I guess you could say I feel a bit conned and use and taken for a ride.
But it’s up to me to change things for the future.
I think he struggled being with someone so kind and generous
His ex wife was very controlling.
What is the best way to move forward and make sure it NEVER happens again
Much love Sian
I am enough! You are enough! If I am going through an emotionally draining time or finding my work and responsibilities are taking more of my energy, I can still be supported and loved through it by someone who sees my value and appreciates me. They will continue to be there as I would be for them. Yes, emotional availability of being able to talk about anything with kindness and empathy because we care that much and trust each other without someone getting defensive or shutting down because they feel criticized. It's how we learn about each other and get closer. I will be with someone who gets that and we get each other.
So it’s not me, it’s the people I have chosen to be my partners.
What a relief!
Exactly, Judy! ❤
You are so right. Thankyou. I (52) had just sent a message to meet with a love interest (49) to apologise for my anxiety/reactions at a social event. I spent the night (and previous 6 weeks) supporting and looking out for him due to his personal issues but when i needed some reassurance and support he was nothing but irritated by me, due to noticing a 23 yo blonde whom he was obviously interested in. It broke me, and i left. Then spent 3 days in bed feeling miserable and hurt. Then i got this email, and it empowered me, to be me, and not apologise for who i am any more. I have always given too much of my self to the wrong people. Time to put me first. The right person, "at my worst will still think i am priceless". No more wasted apologies!
Exactly, Suzy. So glad the heart of my message came through so clearly for you!
Jane your email hit the core of my heart and was able to articulate what I’ve been feeling for so long...Even though you’re a complete stranger to me, thank you for being there and understanding what women like me are feeling.💕
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Val. No one who finds their way here is ever a complete stranger to me! ❤
Thank you for that email!!!
Brought me to tears because
It really hit home!!
💜💜💜💜
Aw, I'm so glad, Karen. I feel like you could have been me. Love that it resonated so much with you! ❤
I definitely needed to hear this... I will read this time and time again until I truly believe there is nothing wrong with me 🤗 thank you
Nothing wrong with you, Donna, not a thing. Only a belief system that has never served the heart of you! ❤
IS HE STAYING AWAY AFTER MEETING COS OF COVID19?
You message msde me cry ftom the depths of my soul..oh how i wish you could be here..because i feel like im in a sinking hole
You speak as though you're inside my head. I am so thankful I found your site and all you share.
It can be very confusing when someone tells you how great things are going and then turns on a dime to break it off...after he apologized ( and told me he was putting his past relationship drama on me, even though I'm nothing like them) and we made up he told me he's in love with me and then turned on a dime and broke it off again (all within 1 month). All the while telling me how honest he is, but how all his ex's lied and hurt him and why he doesn't believe anything I say, he's watching my actions instead.
I only dated two guys (for about a month each) in the past 5 years following a 30-year marriage. I don't really have much history.
It's hard to believe anything these guys say and I'm starting to think that maybe it's just the guys I find/choose. This is exhausting and confusing.
My mom is constantly affirming me but says my heart just needs to catch up with my head. Even when our head knows all the facts it still hurts badly. I would really just like to forget about him and move on.
Did you continue to date (move on) while you worked on yourself or did you just focus on you and eliminate the distractions of more unhealthy relationships until you were ready to handle the real thing?
I'm thankful you're here too, T. It's confusing by design - gives him breathing room while he figures himself out - or hopes to. This is why you take it slow, a month isn't enough to give any part of your heart away to someone. It's exactly this behavior - the back and forth, hot and cold, that's the opposite of the consistent thoughts and actions that match over time. That month pattern is telling. Yes, it's these guys. And something here for you to see as well. Glad you have your mom. Don't date, don't think of it as working on yourself, just look for people to get to know, to practice communicating with, becoming friends with, picking up on who they are and what they're like and who's a good fit and who's not so good a fit. The whole point of dating isn't either or. It's figuring out who you are and what you want - and what you don't. Don't make it what someone else says it's supposed to be.
My heart hurts so bad. I was so codependent on my ex and he’s broken things up for good with me. He had broke up with me and I told him I knew I could be less insecure less jealous and I was talking to him about my growth and said the wrong things and he stormed off and then blocked me now and I know he’ll never come back. I’ve already missed 7 days or work and when I thought there was a chance it helped me go to work and now I have to go back tomorrow and I’m absolutely distraught. I want to die. My heart is in so much pain and the idea of him moving on without me kills me. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t want to do this. I don’t know what else to do. I have a therapist and that doesn’t help like I want to die. The thought of him moving on and how he ended it with me kills me.
Kelly-
I feel your pain so much. Please continue to see your therapist. Your life is worth so much with or without him. You didn't say anything wrong to him- you were being you and being honest. What was wrong was that he couldn't handle it so he left.
The feelings you had sound more like reasons he gave you to be jealous and insecure. Give yourself time but please please realize that you are worth so much and that once you allow yourself the time to grieve over this you'll find the comfort in knowing that you are a beautiful person and deserve so much more.
Love and peace to you Kelly
Oh Kelly, my heart breaks for you. It gets better, really it does. But right now, just focus on putting one foot in front of the other and taking extra special care of yourself. The way out is through, and it hurts this bad when you're going through it but there will be a brighter time ahead, I promise you! Holding you in my heart tonight. Those of us who've been here - all our hearts break collectively for you!
This was great. It resonated with what I went through in my break up. I wholeheartedly feel that the reason my ex broke up with me was because of my issues. I was clingy, needy, insecure and had love self esteem. I also have anxiety. Nearly everyday of our relationship, he was so patient with me, bolstering my spirits. But I think he got tired of doing that. When he broke up with me, he to,d me he could love me on the same level as I loved him. And that we weren’t compatible. I understand now why he couldn’t love me. I didn’t even love me.
That's huge, Debra. "I understand now why he couldn’t love me. I didn’t even love me." And so very true.
Jane, you are so right about everything. Whatever we do, we are always beating ourselves up for all that goes wrong. I was also doing it, I am a widow and got a second chance for happiness again, I believe God sent me the right guy, he said to me "if you could see yourself through my eyes, you would see what a wonderful woman you really are, and I love you fòr who you are". So I thought 'wow 'and for the first time it just opened my eyes and I can accept myself and love myself for who I am.
Love this, Ria. So happy for you! ❤
Things were going great he was do respectable ,I went to in a trip he even painted my whole flowers shop it showed me with gifts we were on fire for one another ..we never even kissed yets....he both were in agreement to save our selfs for marriage and we were even doing Bible plans together to strengthen us so we could with stand one another as the chemistry was on fire .. we both are going through our divorces he was in his marriage for 10 years she slept was unfaithful to him I was in my marriage and it was 4 years my x husband abandoned us to go to the streets on heroin ...we both have 2 children I've boys he has girls the same ages 4 and 6
He broke up with me by text and told me he was not ready for a relationship. I told him we should meet and it's not right to do it by text we still has strong feelings we set up some boundarys he told me he wanted to see me once a week ..this was Wednesday on Sunday he broke up with me again it hurt I tryed to reach out but he said he's not ready for a relationship and I reach Ed our a week after it happened same response so I didn't respond but I cryed it hurt I unfriend him on my Bible app as I did not want him seeing my heartbreak verses and unfollowed him on my insta bussniess account ..
A week later I reached out Nd said maybe the break up was good and I've lots of new and exciting things I'd love to share with him some times he responded I don't think you are going about this blocking me off a couple platform but it doesn't bug me but we have our soul mates out there somewhere..they communication is closed its been since January we broke up in having a hard time getting over him I really though he was the one and I know she felt like that too...I'm leaving him alone .... What can I possibly do I tried to friend Bhim on social media again he won't accept is it just over for now . I'm living my life but I miss him.
I don’t just listen to what you say in your videos... I take it in way deep into my soul because I feel as if you are talking to me directly...it is hard to believe in myself when all I have ever done is believe in the other person and put them first....I’m trying so hard to put myself first but sometimes my heart wants to be in control and that’s what always ends up “BROKEN”... I love your videos
Aw, thank you for your beautiful words, Kimberly. I'm so glad you found your way here. Take it slow. Take everything in slowly. Allow yourself to feel everything, to see what you might not otherwise see, to listen to what you might brush aside because it doesn't coincide with what you're hoping to see, to hear, to confirm. It's such a beautiful exquisite quality to believe in someone - don't change that! - but make sure you've given them enough time and listened deeply enough to your intuition to know that they're worth believing in. I know you are!
I needed to hear those words cause im 41 single mom of 3 barely getting by and I keep picking all these bad guys that are like narcissus it's always me or I did this wrong I did that wrong like I'm so tired of it and I feel like I'm never going to get married I'm never going to have a whole family I'm scared I don't have no friends here I love the program but I don't know if I'll be able to afford it
It's the truth, Ashley! It's who we pick, it's who we choose, and one of these days someone's going to come along who's going to be different and you're going to choose him and find you can believe yourself and what you feel for a change. Yes, you need my program! You're exactly who I had in mind when I created it because your words sound just like me. I offer sponsorships, so send me an email here so I can reach out back to you via email. I don't want any of us going through what you're describing here alone!
What a coincidence, last night I was writing a massive letter to you titled what is wrong with me? And unfortunately lost it but will start again, as I found it very healing just to write my story down.
I wanted this man soo much that I have well and truely lost myself for 9 years. And I am finally beginning to find myself again after 2-4 years of hell. I tried to own what some people will see as downfalls and have conversations around this only to be told that I was being over sensitive and that I wasn’t actually seeing what I thought that I was seeing.
This has reiterated that my decision to leave this relationship is the most appropriate thing to do for both him and me, thank you
I'm so glad it confirmed your decision for you, Tania. Losing ourselves because we feel someone is ever worth that kind of cost is the wake-up call we never want to see but be so proud of yourself for seeing it now. I look forward to reading the rest of your letter - I know how frustrating lost anything in technology can be! ❤
Hi Jane; thank you so very much see your quick response and how it all makes so much sense. We've all had our unfortunate deals in life such as relationships and love. I must tell myself I'm actually finally believing it at the ripe age of 50 years Young... I've learned there are a lot of cool people in life if you don't stand up for yourself whatever it may be and you know others have done you wrong? Automatically falls back on them, I've learned the truth will always prevail. As much as we'd like it too happen right away.... it's the higher-ups choice; not mine. He can do way better than I can... My favorite sister told me that one too. When I'm having to deal with (alI, the more negative aspect of it); back of my mind, wham! It hits. False/Such toxicity that occurred as to (alot) of little things that had added up, beyond belief. Yeah, it does get overwhelming at times & I'm going to do my best, deep down I know it will take some time, I also know I've started to love me first. Im No longer budging and I am proud of myself also... Because I told him I wasn't going to chase him, beg him three strikes you're out of here I pulled the rug out from underneath and he had a T-bone coming to my side he didn't know what was hitting him. I'm proud of myself is stating what I needed to in the text messages that I sent to him... When people do wrong; they need to be called out on it! The positives looking at the big picture in the long run, will always outweigh.
I need to give life a big break, done getting T-boned by anyone. This story holds true... Coming from the spiritual world. From a spiritual perspective in fact, the entire physical world is nothing more than our classroom. But the challenge to each of us in this classroom is, will you make choices that you make to enhance your spirit or those that drain your power? Holy crap how ! I read that just before I broke it off with him; & Seriously. Thinking about that statement, excuse my language, ohh hell No! Will I allow any toxicity of any level be near me. When a person endures it at such a young age & continues throughout Adult Hood? U come back swingin! Not physical however, so much wisdom we learned. Buy human nature...out in our own ways but; it's how you come out in the end not to be righteous, do the right thing.
To be able to authentically live with ourselves, Teri. That's how I take what you're describing. To be at peace with ourselves in what we choose is what matters at the end of the day ❤
Jane; I need to correct a message that was sent on the February 20th comment from me. It's stated in there (lesbian). I am not lesbian nor have I ever been of that choice. Everyone to each his own... be proud of who you are and who you want to love. I'll leave it there. Thanks, Terie P.
Okay, Terie. And for everyone else, no judgement - just grace and acceptance for whatever we bring on here. ❤
ITs taken me a long no time to know that feelings are just feelings and they don't make us bad people. I am trying to make blue be my real self. No true love yet but I like myself and I am happier. Thank you for affirming this.
I'll affirm this every time you need me to, Dottie. So glad it confirmed what you already knew!
Just going through a divorce and going through the pain. I loved this man with all my heart but it was easy for him to leave me. We were only split up for three weeks when he was in a relationship with another woman, moving in with her and booked a cruise with her. I've had a hard time letting go. I know it's for the best and I need to move on. Thanks for this news letter. I've had a low self esteem for a while and I've failed in 4 marriages and I'm already 60 years old.
I believe im in a good place. I accept me for who am. I believe your responding to me saying let him be. What was referring to is sometimes all of us need time to retreat into ourselves and it might be a day or so. Doesnt me that he cares any less only he need space.
Thank you for responding.
Hello, well this is a story about a man who I have been with off and on for the last 9 years. We met and he was married and I didn’t realise. To cut a long story short I tried to end it but he wouldn’t let it go. After two years he lost his marriage and said we can be together finally. I then said to him that he needs some time on his own but he manoeuvred his way into my house. The problem is he is quite a selfish man and if we argue he cannot find any resolution and leaves me sometimes for hours sometimes for days. He also has problem with his daughter as she will not accept me. I sold my house so we could go into business he got his money and bought himself a flat. Leaving me with a years rent paid up front. He has remained good friends with his wife who hates me but not him. I’m the one with all the blame. He leaves says we can’t be together maybe because he doesn’t want to hurt his ex-wife further or his daughter or wants more time with his friends, then he comes back and says he can’t live without me, he has changed each time I believe him, that lasts for a couple of weeks then we go round in circles. He has done some pretty hurtful things in that time as well, for instance one day wanted to be with me said he thought things through has grown-up we spent the night together and in the morning he said he changed his mind. This whole thing has sent me to a place I’ve never been before because when he is a lovely person as he can be he does amazing things and at other times it’s like I mean nothing. He has a problem with sex and we have never actually had proper penetrative sex in nine years if i want to make love it has to be me that makes the effort. He does not come near me. He also calls me very cruel things when we argue like I’ll talk to you how I f***ing want. Or tries to make me insecure by saying I was worried when we were in the pub as thought you might think I was chatting up that attractive barmaid. I want to cut him out of my life but I really don’t know how to do it because every time I try I get anxious, then I make contact and we start all over again. We do not live together currently and he has not committed to me in any other way. Thank you for reading
Hi Ann,
I read this and can only feel so sad for you that you are allowing this man to put you in this place. Nothing you mentioned here is about what he does for you or how happy he makes you- only sadness, what he wants and what you're putting up with, even sexually.
I don't know you or him, but after all this time, he won't change and you deserve so much more. Ask yourself what you're holding on to? Are you hanging on in hope that all of a sudden he will change? I loved (love) someone for years and I knew it would not be, but I couldn't let go until I finally realized that he will never be there and really he was never mine to begin with.
I hope you find peace within this and are able to find the strength to finally say good bye to him and allow yourself to be happy and begin to find the man who will be there and make you feel good.
Best wishes
Your article hit home so hard with me. Today in counseling my husband disclosed that the reason he didn't feel guilty having an affair is because he was indiffernt to me. We've been married 30 years and he's indifferent. The girl he cheated with is almost half my and his age. I don't deserve this, I did everything for this man and the answer I get is indiffernt.
I'm so sorry, Kelli. My heart aches for what you're going through. No, you didn't deserve this. And one of these days, he will realize this, too.
Thank you, I really needed to read your message this morning!!!
So glad, Geneva! Anytime.
Thank you again Jane.
I have stopped contact for a few dàys now. He did tell me he didn't have time for me but wanted to stay friends but I found random messages too unsettling as I had thought this was the real thing. I told him I wanted to end contact. Reading your emails and blog have supported me to build the strength and realise that he could not give me what I need or want. I can fully understand this now and there is no blame.
I can't believe how much this affected me, I felt devastated at first. After spending lots of time with family and friends and having fun, I can highly recommend your advice.
So glad you're seeing this for yourself, Christine. Understanding these behavviors generally and what they're rooted in so we don't take them so personally is so important. We're fighting ourselves and our programming that love - especially the way we love - will conquer all, more than anything else. And it can't NOT affect you this much; what's behind these beliefs that lead to us being involved with men like this in the first place and for as long as we hang onto them, are so ingrained! Be so proud of yourself for seeing this as clearly as you do!
Jane, I have been working through your course and feel completely free of any feeling for the man I was seeing. It is so easy to see how these men are being manipulative when reading comments from other women. I would like to recommend to them that they read your blogs and work through the course.
These ladies are worth so much more and deserve to be treated with the upmost respect.
Shortly after starting my journey I met a lovely man who wants to meet again. This time I am not rushing anything and focusing on what I want from life in general. It is very exciting to see what the future holds.
Thank you so much.
Christine x
Oh Christine, I am so happy for you for what you're able to see even more than this new man! THRILLED my program has been such a help to you and thank you for sharing your journey here. Keep me posted. I love hearing from you! ❤
This article has reflected exactly how I feel. He broke up with me after 8 months and for last 3 weeks I’ve been analyzing our relationship under microscope.
Thank you sooo much for bringing out the truth of my reality.
I need to read this every day till I finally will feel it.
I’m sooo grateful for your emails.
So honored to be able to do that for you, Inna. I've been right where you are and you are so right. We need these reminders every single day! Thank you for your words. You inspire me! ❤
Hi Jane, good morning! I wanted to say thank you for your daily e-mails of (honestly) brilliance. It’s amazing how much is available to us in this life, yet I’m a first offender of not feeling worthy or enough...but your thoughts and support inspire me and are helping me grow. What’s not to love? Are there other options you have as a “coach”? I’d love to hear about them.
With enormous gratitude!
Jillian
I'm so glad to hear my emails are inspiring you, Jillian! I love supporting and empowering women and generally walking through whatever you're going through or need support on. Wherever you are or whatever you've been through, nothing surprises me anymore and no subject is off the table. You can check out my "work with me" page to see all my one-on-one coaching options. Let me know if you have any more questions! So glad you found your way here!
Its been about 3 yrs with this man after my husband passed. 29 yrs of marriage.
When I met the new man ; I was happy, then I caught him cheating , it’s seems the entire time together , but when the situation happened I blamed him then myself .Because I told him that we will not have any physical time if not married. So I told myself that I was responsible . I forgave ,Him but still dealing with the pain of being betrayed. After reading your blog I realized that I’m me and I need to know who I’m , love myself and continued to believe in me. I’m still hanging there , being afraid to left him and start all over again . Especially introducing another man to my kids it’s a heart breaking for me. I prayed that God showed me his way which is the best.
Thanking for your true words just as I have had a relationship end ! In what I believe to be “Ghosting “ that special someone disappeared and no word again leaves so many questions ? So many doubts and an aching heart ? A head that says all your advice ? Maybe it is just time ?
But how special can a "special someone" really be if they can disappear like this, Val?
Jane,
Your words are an inspiration for not just finding love, but for finding life as it should be lived.. You are, indeed, walking with me.
Thank you.
Beautiful, Mar. You know I am! Thank you. ❤
Hallo, thanks to all the advices I got from you,. But I am still cought in this man I love so much,, he sometimes become neutral (he will just keep quiet for the whole day without answering my messages) and boom late with the romantic words how he loves me, how he was busy during the day..all excuses. Sometimes I feel he is turning away from me and then I am like let me hold on maybe he'll change because I love him. How can I deal with this?
I’m at rock bottom now after being in a 5 year “ relationship “ I use the word loosely, with a man that won’t commit, from Monday to Friday we text , then Saturday and Sunday I’m allowed out of my box to be his as he calls it “ his other half “, we’ve broken up again and again over the same commitment issues but he won’t let me go but at the same time doesn’t want a proper relationship, reading your email has actually made me think that this is my life and I need to live it instead of someone else deciding my self worth
It IS your life, Clare. A beautiful life that you've been given that's yours to do with it exactly what you choose. Don't forget the choosing part. If you're choosing to be with him, you're choosing him. It's always your choice. No one ever has the right to decide your worth, but you have to first stop letting them and that's a conscious choice as well. I have a feeling you could figure out all kinds of incredible, beautiful, creative, original, and worthwhile things to do with your life that you've never considered before as long as there's someone to spend all your time and energy on trying to figure out how to change it. 5 years is a long, long time. Choose to live, Clare. You deserve nothing less!
sometimes you get closure and sometimes the lack of closure is the very lesson that you need to learn. maybe in the future it will find a way to work it self out learn to validate yourself and accept yourself for whatever that you need to learn.
This website has brought me so much comfort. I split from my boyfriend just over a week ago after trying so hard to be perfect. I asked him what was wrong one day and he said that my 12 year old daughter brought an atmosphere to our relationship when she had a small teenage mood. He said he can't deal with when we move in together. So out of frustration, as it wasn't the first time he said it I shouted at him out of sheer frustration, he then said that I asked for it as I asked him what was wrong!! He then said that I abused him and that he has never been shouted at in his whole life, he was 41 and I am 43. I was then so apologetic thinking I had hurt him, I begged him to forgive me. He then went on to say that what if I shouted at him when he comes home from work?! I promised never to shout again, for fear of hurting him. My shouting was only defending my daughter and why wouldn't I. I was so confused. He then said that I abused him? Did I? I didn't insult him just made it clear that my daughter will continue to be a teenager and my get even moodier and that he would have to deal with it. I was made to feel like an idiot but I stayed with him for another month after that but I just got more frustrated as he kept saying that he doesn't want any hassle or shouting in his life. But the shouting was only small arguments? Doesn't every couple have them. We were together 10 months and after 3 months he told his friends he wanted to marry me and up until a couple of months ago we were planning on buying a house together! It was all really confusing. Did he really want a future with me? Now its all over I am left feeling confused and an abuser!? All I ever wanted to do was to make thing right and happy.
I meant to say "He spoke the entire time." non-stop. We did not speak the entire time. He was speaking a mile a minute. Not sure what that's about.
His reasons are not what counts. What counts is how you really felt. Did you feel good? Did you feel comfortable? Did you feel listened to and like he was interested in you? If the answers are no, then clearly he isn't a guy you want to choose. There's nothing wrong with you. If you felt cautious, you may have sound reasons to be cautious. Just because a guy happens to not be into us, doesn't mean we are wrong. He may not be a right fit for you. Always shift the focus. Instead of thinking what you did wrong, think about him as if you were choosing a good man to invest yourself into. Because in the end, you are choosing.
Thanks, Angel. See, you said exactly what I said. We're all starting to understand this - in our own way and time. (If anyone isn't, that's ok. That's why I'm here and others who jump in when I'm not - how I appreciate them! 🙂 I never used to understand any of this either, so don't beat yourself up if you don't. In time, you will!)
Hello Angel. Thank you so much for the feedback. You hit the nail on the head with "choosing a good man to invest yourself into." Again, we were not on the same page as Jane has so many times interjected into these threads. "The right fit" Says it all. Thank you so much.
I knew what you meant. 🙂
Hello Jane:
Sorry I have not signed in an wrote in a little while. I've been a litle busy. I do have to say, I am trying to get my life started again in the dating world since my last relationship was ended with a guy who said "he did not know" if he wanted to go further with our relationship from friends too more. It was heart breaking to say the least, but I got past that with your help. I need to express I went on a date recently with someone who I met at a dance. I remained being myself the entire evening. He asked me out for dinner a week later, but I had plans already, so he asked me out for the following week. I said yes The evening went well. I have to say he spoke the WHOLE time. I managed to get a few words in, but he took the speaking floor the entire time. I tried my best to be myself. I'm somewhat reserved and it takes time to know me. As I sat there, I started to feel a little insecure about how I dressed for the occasion. I did not wear anything that was outlandish. I dressed for comfort. Not sure if he was expecting someting more. He only added during the conversation that I was mysterious. Gee. I am somewhat reserved and told him it takes time to know someone. Yet, he did not ask too many questions about myself. We spoke for three hours. He then walked me to the car. He said good night. And that was it. That was four days ago. While I'm not concerned truly if he calls or not, I was thinking about your "not on the same page" statement. I guess after my last relationship, the only thing I'm someone feeling and not easy to say is "I'm not good enough." I have to take that out of my thought process and keep saying "we were not on the same page. I just need some encouragement here. I always never feel good enough.
Wow, Denise, I've got so much encouragement for you because this seems so clear from here. He talked all night and didn't give you a chance to say much because he wasn't engaging with you. He wasn't seeking you out. Yes, I'm sure you could have jumped in if you felt like the conversation gave you a place to jump into, but it doesn't sound like there was. Focus on what you thought of him and your dinner together instead of the "good enough" part we're so quick to jump to. Did you feel like there was enough there in your dinner together for the two of you to have the beginnings of what it means to be "compatible"? Did you enjoy your time with him?
There was obviously a reason you questioned your dress, and my guess is it was because it was different from him and we can be so used to deferring to someone else that we aren't as confident in our own decisions about many things including our style of dress. Do you feel like you want to see him again? When you switch it around to you and what you thought of him, instead of the usual thinking about what he thought of you. So often we discover we weren't really interested in someone ourselves, we just wanted to be in the position to decide to go out again. But if you look at this more closely, you already decided for yourself. Hope that helps! 🙂
thank you so much Jane. Again, your input resonates with me. I had time today to really think on my position with this person. Truly, I don't care one way or another if I see him. He has quite a few pluses as far as work, security, intelligence. He did say, you are rather mysterious. I asked why. You don't say enough about yourself. Well, he talked 100 miles an hour. When I did interject something, he ran away with the conversation. I also told him, it takes time to know someone in a pleasant way. Truth be told, I did not feel his strengh. I know I need someone who has gone through hard knocks in life but has bounced back. May sound odd, but it's the way I feel. I mean he was a gentleman bought dinner, walked me to the car, but I fdid not feel entirely like myself. HIs talking so much made my head spin. So, today I scratched him off my list, as he must have me. We are on different pages. Funny, when the owner came over and said, what a beatiful lady I was, he was dead silent. (I think that was nice of the owner).Not that means everything, but it was nice. He was silent.
It was nice, Denise! "And he was silent" - despite talking 100 miles an hour for the rest of your time together. I hope you're seeing this 🙂
Thank you Jane for your feedback. Yes Jane. My date was silent. The owner is the one that gave the compliment about being beatiful. My date finally became silent and did not say a word when the owner said it to me. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be seeing. Sorry. I'm a little slow. Maybe it would have been nice if "my" date agreed with the owner. My date said nothing after the comment. I know what you look like does not mean everything, but at least the owner was kind..
If he cannot see your beauty, if he is quite about another man saying something nice to you, is he the guy you want to invest yourself into? Something somewhat similar happened to me once. It was more of a comment that a man made suggesting I was special and so he wondered if the guy I was on a date with would be coming to town more often because I was a very good reason for him to do so. His answer: nah, I won't be coming here often. The other man just said: wow, that is not very nice of you to say... He just said: just being honest. I felt extremely mortified and humiliated to say the list. Now I know he is no guy I would want in my life. If a guy doesn't treat you well or cherish you, he's not worth your time. I hope you can see that more clearly. You're a jewel, no matter how reserved you are. Big hug
Angel. Thank you. I'm in tears in a good way over your message. Thank you. You are truly an angel. Jane is the highest of angels having this site. I'm sorry that that person made you feel that way, but one does not understand unless they have gone through something similar. Your feedback is most welcomed, and I'm very thankful. I hope life brings you joy, happines and the love you deserve. Jane has been tremendous in everyway, I'm sure you will agree. Without her, I'm not sure if I would have changed my way. It's a blessing as you are.
No, you're not slow, Denise. It's the contrast that I was talking about. Between a complete stranger who speaks lovingly toward you versus someone you're on a date with who suddenly picks the one time to stop talking when someone else who was on your same page would naturally simply agree. It's that contrast that confirms what you already know, that showed you in a most obvious way that you can trust your instinct that it's not you, it's him. When you're your true self with someone, you know this for sure. And that's why the only way to know if someone is right for you is being true to yourself in the first place. You don't someone who's compatible with someone who isn't really you! 🙂
Thank you Jane. I got it now. I'm just going on my merry way now. No time to dwell on this any longer. You truly are a wonder! I'be l;earned more from you then I have my entire dating life since I somehow landed on your website. I keep saying over and over, how blessed I am to have found you here and your words of encouragement and common sense thinking. I also keep saying "he's not on the same page" over and over. So, once again, since I feel like bambi in this new insight to daing and a good insigt at that. I like my own company. Feel good in my own skin. I'm content within myself. If the right man shows up, it will only be a plus to my life and his. Thank you Jane. I wish I had this wisdom many years ago, but better late than never. God bless. I'll keep venturing out.
Hi Jane ,
Reading your blog is always motivating after that go back to my depressing mood , iam aging i know that and i cant help it , i know am still beautiful and attractive .what i really want is to stopp thinking of age , children, being single but i dont know how , i really dont know!
I dont want to feel insecure and doughtful about my life but right now I feel so deprseed knowing that my biological clock is ticking and i could end up alone , iam so scarred of being alone , i even moved to a new country and new job just to get rid of this feeling but didnt successed am trapped of all of these negative thoughts .i thought i have faith in god but its seems am still struggling , i feel am dying here am not sure what to do .
Think baby steps, Mariam. It's ok to be right where you are. To feel whatever you're feeling. You're not really dying and you will get through this, too, no matter how hopeless it feels right now. I know. The words only go so far before you're left with the reality of what you're feeling when you stop reading. And then the spiral starts and it's so hard to see any light. It's ok. What do you need right now more than anything else? One thing. Don't look at everything. Just focus on what you can do right now to feel some hope. To give yourself something. What you really need is a huge dose of TLC. The kind that can only come from you, that says you know you're such a beautiful person with so much to offer, and so much to give someone who's looking for you, too. What does that look like? What's a small surprise you can give yourself? What can you do for yourself that you would love someone to do for you? Do that. Find a little spark, no matter how small it is, and see if you can build on that and find some momentum for what you're meant to do, to be, to become from here. There's something here for you, no matter how much it seems pointless. There's something. Find it and you'll find that first step that takes you to the next one and the next. It's in our darkest more desolate moments that the very first step finally reveals itself. Take what resonates with you and think on the rest. The answers, however slow, do always come. Much love to you, Mariam. Wish I could be there with you to walk through this with you, but I hope you're seeing you're never alone.
Hi, Jane.
I had to re-read this today. I would like to say thank you. Thank you so much for everything you let us know here.
I recently came to the conclusion that I am a softy. I am somewhat a little embarrassed to admit it because I have believed everyone around me who thinks being a softy is bad and weak. But I have also realized something else. I have read a lot lately and also advice or blogs from other wonderful coaches as well. But your messages always getvthrough to me in such a way that the other valuable advice doesn't. I don't feel inadequate. Other advice, though wonderful ans very useful sometimes gets a reaction out of me. Sometimes I end up crying and then I remember: they are triggering something. They are using a wording that comes off harsh to me. I can totally see that they can resonate with the way other people process things, but not with mine. I realize how different I can be from many people around me. I am a softy, everything touches me, nearly anything can make me cry. I have learned over the years to create a response to cope and it's defensiveness that comes off as anger, as arrogance even. But now I realize it is a fear response to protect the real me. I have always felt like I needed that to protect myself because everyone I knew sort of mocked people for being sensitive. So I somehow learned that I "had to toughen up". I learned sadly to reject feminine because it was synonymous of weakness for many and I think sadly many people feel this way today. Reject the very essence of what I am!
Thank you so much for being such a sensitive being that inspires me to recognize it is fine to be sensitive like I am. I kept wondering why your messages made me feel calm while other, though amazing made me feel sad or hurt or fearful. Now I understand why. Once again a million thanks. Hugs to you
Exactly, Angel! I'm so glad you're seeing this - and realizing there's nothing wrong with you! It's the opposite, in fact; for when we embrace our true selves, the beauty, the love, the uniqueness of you can shine so clearly like a beacon of light among all the other personalities out there. You don't have to "toughen up", to reject who you are simply because this kind of "tough love" is so rampant today. These are the cultural messages we sensitive types can feel so drained by. That's why you have the reaction you do; you know in your heart of hearts this is not your truth, and that "they" don't know you like you do, "they" don't know your story like you do. "They" don't have the authority on you, no matter how much they seem to. I know, because I used to feel the same way. It's why I'm here, Angel, and why I do what I do.
You are such a beautiful, sensitive, sweet soul among all the other qualities you have to offer someone. It's when you are this clear on who you are and you refuse to let what anyone else "says" you should be that you release yourself and allow yourself to be unmistakably you for the ones who are looking for exactly who you are. Go into the calm and let that be your guide. It took me a long time to learn that what made me feel sad or hurt or fearful could be "right" for someone else, but it didn't have to be "right" for me. Always here for you, Angel. I so understand!
Hi Jane
This article came in the right time for me. Just on the weekend my bf and I of almost a year and a half broke up.
It hurts a lot! and I'm sad. It really sucks to find out that it didn't work out as it should have. I loved him, he loved me too. In a nutshell, there was no room for me between his job, and other things and wanted to be alone. I am a dedicated woman, faithful, honest, truthful, loving etc. who'll make things work somehow, but only if I am not the only one who's trying. My dad said love is enough between a man and a woman to make things work. I suppose both people have to be on the same page for it.
I relate to so many posts here. I was trying to prove myself, my worth to a guy I really liked instead of just accepting that he wasn't interested in a serious relationship, with me. I guess I figured if I showed him all the traits that I thought made me girlfriend/wife material, I could change his mind. Funny how we try to change a guy and prove ourselves when it's not needed. I finally made the decision to let go and move on from the thought of him. It's very difficult because we work together, but I'm taking it one day at a time. I really just had to be honest with myself and understand that we are not on the same page when it comes to relationships. One minute he's affectionate toward me, supportive, planning movie nights and wanting to hang out, the next he's distant, not returning calls or texts, and pushing me away. I finally reached a place where I couldn't take it anymore and realized that I was only accepting this behavior because I wasn't valuing and loving myself enough. Reading your blog and these post have been truly uplifting because I realize I'm not alone and have found encouragement in your words. Thanks so much for sharing your posts. They are helping me to be a stronger me 🙂
Oh Nicole, I so know what you are talking about here. It's a trap we fall into so often. I fell into it all my life. I had to show somebody I was worth loving because deep down I didn't believe I was. I still struggle a little bit. But I have realized something. I don't like myself when I am with him even though I love him. That is a huge indication that we are not right for each other. I don't like the fact that I almost automatically know what he's not gonna like but now instead of just hiding it I just check in with myself and say: no, it isn't fair to me to hide it. This is what feels right. I do it. It feels sad to know he may not approve of it but it feels good to me to do what I feel. I hope soon enough I can meet someone who is completely ok with me doing what feels good to me and who honestly finds in me what he's looking for without trying to change me. I am committed to find that someone and to accept him as he is. Completely whole.
Thank you for your kind words, Nicole.:) I'm so glad these are resonating with you and you're seeing that you're not alone, that you don't have to settle for someone who isn't on the same page as you. Being honest with yourself is huge! Now you can focus on filling your own cup so that your happiness and you're worth won't be dependent on what he doesn't or doesn't do - for whatever reasons that have everything to do with him and nothing to do with you! When you know how to fill your own cup and you come from a place where you know you're enough without needing him to validate you, there's a beautiful shift in energy that allows you to see so much clearly what you want to do - for you! 🙂
Hey Jane. I read your post and found it fascinating. I think "Letting go" is something that a lot of us find hard to do. I recently met a girl on my travels. We were together and it seemed like bliss. Right age, I was attracted to her, on the right schedule and she seemed keen. But her behaviour was a bit erratic and very blunt. But i overlooked these things. I had to leave the country and we met back up together and went away to an island. But it got strange. Her bluntness led me to have a low self esteem and become needy. She had no perspective how this rudeness hurt my feelings. I feel i should have been stronger and more assertive but i liked her so did not want to cause arguments.. She left me alone in a club one night and i was fed up. So i left the next morning because i did not feel good. (it's a lot longer story but i have condensed it)
However now it is only just dawning on me how much this has hurt. I have gone over the events again and again thinking did i do something wrong. Should i have been stronger and kept persisting with her. She did not want me to leave but i felt so awful. now the moment has passed. We could have had a great romantic holiday. Was she the "one" i am so craving, to find that special connection. I was pretty open, i told her my affections clearly, and when i asked her if i was welcome she said "probably not". But then begged me to stay. It's all really confusing. She pushed me away, eventually i left then she wanted me to stay. Eventually i think i respected her a lot more than she did me. and respect is a key value for me. I realise that i did play a role in it, maybe not being strong enough.
Trouble is the more we look back the more power it gives and defines us. I am trying to move forward but the loss is pretty large. it has been 4 months and it is over. No contact and i am not sure i even want to. I have gone travelling again but that has been passing time. I keep fit, meditate, journal, practise yoga. Trying everything i can. But there is still a lot of pain. People say move on, find another. i have been tempted to contact her but everyone says no. do they know what is best for me? i don't think it would do much really.
Any ideas? Thanks
You didn't do anything wrong and you are strong enough. Admitting to our feelings in an open way to someone takes enormous strength. She was just not right for you because you already said her bluntness and aloofness made you feel bad. You may have ignored it, but it's a fact. Could you build an honest long term relationship with someone like that? Could you be with someone who because of her own issues doesn't respect you? Someone who says you're not welcome with your feelings? Think again. She has her own issues and she's had them long before you. You didn't do anything wrong. And you deserve someone who loves you and who can give you what you need to be in a healthy relationship. It is hard to accept that she's not right, but it'll pass if you don't keep in touch with her at all. Look inside, look into your own life to see why you're attracted to someone who is not sensitive to your needs and feelings. Lots of hugs.
Thanks yes it does force some deep introspection which has been a positive in this experience. And what i need to do to become a better person and attract someone who is right for me. Great advice thanks
Thanks Angel very kind of you
Do what you need to do for you, Traveller. If you can't see the reality of what she can't offer you for yourself, then sometimes the only way we can finally see this clear enough to do something about it (i.e let go and move on), is to keep reaching out until we've finally seen enough. It seems so clear from here - she's clearly not on the same page as you and doesn't want the same thing as you, but when you're in it, I know all too well how we try to spin our stories so that it's some grey area still filled with potential. Don't put yourself through that; you deserve someone who doesn't make you do all this work, who genuinely wants to be with you!
Hi Jane. This article more than anything i have read in the last 4 months has been really useful in helping me gain a perspective into what happened and reframe a mental picture for me. I think if you can maintain dignity and respect then you can come away with your head helped high. And realise that things happen for a reason and that there is nothing wrong with you. Accepting who you are and what you have to offer is the best you can do, and if that is not good enough then letting go with respect and love is all you can do. I m coming to realise that we with the best intentions are good people, all of us, sometimes we are just not suited or the environment is not right. So not to beat yourself up in the meantime. Thnanks
You are right with time as well and a greater perspective i can see how different we were and trying for different things. It is easier to let go of something when you get to this stage
Hi Jane, Im so glad I stumbled upon your page. I just recently (exactly 12 days ago) ended a relationship with the guy I thought was the love of my life. I was certain he would be the guy Id marry. It just so happens he wasnt feeling the same way. He decided we werent compatible and that there were far too many things we had to "work on" but he was done trying. My problem now is that I feel all those things we had to "work on" were things I was responsible for. My insecurities, my jealousy, being far too sensitive, the list goes on. I also feel this way because these issues aren't new, they are part of the reason why other relationships have ended as well.
Now I'm left with the feeling that I will never be enough for any man. And that I may have lost some great men in my life because I wasn't confident enough, or didnt know how to manage some situations the "smart" way. Regardless, I feel like I gave my all. And even then, it wasn't enough. I just don't know how to shake the feeling.
Hi LV,
I know exactly how you feel. It is such a painful thought to think we're the ones at fault. I constantly feel that way but now I know there's more to my story than I thought. I recently discovered why I have this pattern. It started when at 4 years old I witnessed how my parents' relationship was a dysfunctional one. I learned to blame myself for everything and to feel ashamed because I thought I was the reason my father attacked my mother both verbally and physically. My father's fear and sadness drove him to be a black or white kind of person: you don't love me because you don't do what I need you to in order to feel loved. It has been the same with me. Not only did I learn to be afraid of men at the core (that's a core belief I now have to figure out how to modify), but also I took on my father's attitude towards love. I have always felt that these men have fooled me and that they haven't cared at all about me even if they have shown me to some degree they did. It is such a tangled web I don't even know where to start to modify my thoughts and the pattern. The fear and shame have driven my entire life and relationships. They have turned me into an emotionally unavailable girl even if I thought I was ready for a relationship and looking for one. I thought the reason it didn't work was because these men were emotionally unavailable, which they are, but I also am!! There are too many insecurities in me and we attract who we are most of the times. So imagine that picture. My love life has been my responsibility but it hasn't been just me or my fault for carrying all this around. Try to dig into who you are, what you believe and what you saw at an early age. You may realize there was never anything wrong with you. We deserve love merely because we exist and we are enough. That's what we need to start engraving in our minds and souls. Not an easy road, but we have to start somewhere. Hugs to you.
But you gave your all to someone who you could never have been enough for no matter who you were and what you had to offer him, LV! Reread what you wrote here and try to read this through the eyes of reality and not the fantasy we always want it to be. "He wasn't feeling the same way" - He wasn't there, wasn't on your page. This had everything to do with him and where he's at an absolutely nothing to do with you! "He decided we weren't compatible and that there were far too many things we had to "work on" but he was done trying" - He was done trying. Read that again. He decided this for himself, he didn't want to try anymore. Can you see this? He wasn't there, couldn't do this, because of him, not you!
"My insecurities, my jealousy, being far too sensitive, the list goes on. I also feel this way because these issues aren't new, they are part of the reason why other relationships have ended as well." Exactly, LV! These are our clues that someone isn't right for you. When you feel insecure, jealous, far too sensitive - there's always a reason. It always takes two. One to trigger these feelings in you, the other - you - to respond because of what you pick up on, what you're feeling, what you sense about him.
It's because of your beautiful sensitive nature that you can trust yourself! What you sensed was real. What you were picking up on came true. We tell ourselves we did it, we sabotaged it and put all the blame on ourselves. But what you did was react to what was already there staring right at you - someone who wasn't right for you. Otherwise, your beautiful sensitive nature would have been loved and adored and endeared you to him, like it will be with someone who will be right for you! Trust yourself, it's how you know.
None of these that you have felt this way with have been right for you. Shake the feeling by being your true self, by celebrating all the beautiful qualities you possess. You're already her, LV, you're already the beautiful woman who has every reason to expect someone who will adore you once you can move past this harsh way you judge yourself and learn to love yourself instead. This is exactly why there's never, ever anything wrong with you!
Hello Jane. This morning I woke up feeling like a load off my shoulders. IT felt good. Maybe a breakthrough for me in regards to my male friend and his not knowing if we could be more than friends or not. I also reflected on past friends relationships and realized there is a pattern I have made for years. I'm the giver almost always. I never really thought about it until coming upon your website and threads. I never put myself first. Never. With friends, family and definitely in relationships with men. And always attracted those who were not giving. I just always thought that you give without expecting anything in return. Always. You do because you want to. Yet, none of these individuals for one moment asked me how I was or gave without question. You really made a tremedous impact on me. I have never been selfish. Maybe my upbringing. Always ready to listen and help. I need to redirect a few things in my life now. I mean, not selfish to the point of not caring, but building my self esteem. Attracting men who look at me in a positive light and care wholeheartedly. I must focus on my gifts and passions. Thank you Jane.
oh so glad you're feeling this, Denise! It does feel good because it's how life is meant to be! Don't settle for anything else that doesn't feel like this. I used to think the same way, and lived my life exactly this way for years. So glad you're coming out of this and seeing this new beautiful path you're on now for yourself. One day at a time, we come to this. And then we're never, ever the same 🙂
Again, any feedback from you Jane is a blessing. I'm hoping the second half of my life (with work on my part) is somewhat opposite of the past). I just want to be myself. It's just too hard being something you are not. Truly. Yet, I must watch that closely. Thank you.
"It's just too hard being something you are not." And that's why we can never do this for very long. In our heart of hearts, we know this is just wrong!
Greetings Jane, Thank you for your chi ( ENERGY). Have a Blessed Day.
I'm trying to find myself after my husband of 42 yers passed away 2 years ago. I got involved witha man he lived with me for 3 months he had nothing. Helped him get ssi, helped him move,now he has no time for me,i guess i was vulnerable. I really fell for him but he does not feel the same and i don't hear from him at all...i still think of him..why!!! Now i met this one man said i was a breath of fresh air and wanted to be exclusive after 2 dates and one time with sex,i haven't heard from him for two days. ..myself i think I'm done with all of this. I need to be in a better state of mind by myself.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Lucinda. I'm sure it feels like a different world out there in the dating realm today. Take it slow. Don't rush into anything - or allow anyone to rush you into anything! Trust your gut instincts. Find that little girl inside you and rediscover the life she's always wanted for herself, for you. Surround yourself with the ones who love and support you and want beautiful things for you. Put yourself first; it's not selfish, it's how we do this. This finding ourselves again after loss, when we're ready to awaken, when we're ready to see what we couldn't have seen before in a different time and place. Make sure someone is worthy of you!
Lucinda, your story really resonates with mine.
My DH of 35 years passed away suddenly 2.5 years ago.
10 months into widowhood, I met a man my age (mid 60s) who was living very modestly and paying maintenance to an ex. I am financially quite comfortable. I never funded him, but offered him a flat I own to rent at slightly reduced rent so he could have his son to stay (the man lives in a studio flat).
In nearly 2 years, we've broken up about 3 times (twice at his instigation and by text!) Although I have a full life & loving family, it was the loneliness, grief and incredible physical intimacy (which I never really experienced with DH) that kept me hooked and allowing him back again.
He was always inconsistent, hot & cold, and recently this holiday I'd just had enough- luckily I had never introduced him to my adult children.
I said I was fed up with with him being like my dirty secret & I needed a more emotionally intimate relationship. Told him I was done with the roller coaster behaviour, despite the wonderful physical aspect
I've been having therapy for 6 months and went through the Hoffjan Process last year. These have all contributed to my strength & sense of self worth. He has admitted I probably make him feel inadequate as he is about to lose his journalist job and latterly told me he needs to work on himself & focus on finding work.
We left it 4 days ago that I loved him, but would give him space. Since then, and especially since reading comments on Jane's site these last couple of days, I know our relationship was always doomed but filled a grief void in me and helped me move forward.
I think we meet people in our lives as a lesson and to help us grow and develop.
My God, I think there are a lot of people out there hurting. And I bet if I met you all, I would say that you are all good people. Just like I would like you to think about me.
Hi Wayne. Yes, it is sad that many of us are hurting. But I am sure us hurting is necessary for our own growth. It is tough. I myself have been feeling horrible for 6 months or longer. I have hurt before but this time I decided to use my pain to do something different. To dive deep. To find answers. And I have found them! Oh boy is it overwhelming what I have found! I know now that even though I couldn't see it, even though it seemed like it was these men's fault, it has been entirely my responsibility. This is a hard pill to swallow: we are responsible for every situation we end up with. It is not about blaming ourselves but rather looking at our life as it were a movie to see the patterns and see how we have contributed to these situations. I started doing something called shadow work. It is intense, but it has drfinitely shown me how I unwittingly attract these situations. It is all based on our care-givers' lives/relationships dynamic. Look in there, see if it helps. We all are good people, just in desperate need of awakening. Hugs.
You are very wise
Angel. Your shadow works very special. Sounds like it has brought you to where you are now. You are special, and knowing oneself is a blessing. I want to learn more about that shadow work. I will look it up, but I must say Jane's site and support is wonderful and it keeps one in tuned to everything. Jane has helped me tremedously. I don't think she even knows how much. thank you Jane. Best to you Angel. Hang in there
Hi Denise,
Thank you so much for your kind words. Look it up and read carefully so you can decide if it is for you or not. It is not for everybody, and it is very intense.
I am hanging in there for my own self. I need my own time, my own acknowledgement and compassion. I am having withdrawals here because I haven't heard from him in a week. Not a line in a week. Which had never happened before. But I trust that the Universe always knows what's best for me and I am sure this is the divine way of telling me that even though I love that man so much, we're just not meant to be in each other's life. Hugs
HI Angel
No thank you. Yes, I wil look to see if it is good for me or not. Somethings work for others while some don't. I understand about not hearing from him. It will be four weeks for me on the 20th of October. In my case, I finally let go after about 21 days. I feel good. I'm,like you are getting myself together. You know we have a tendency to put ourselves last. NO MORE. Yes, I believe it is the divine way of telling both you and myself that to move on is a choice. I made mine. You must decide what is right for you. You have a plesant day and bless you.
We always have such a different view of ourselves than what someone else sees. Some of the most hurting people are the most beautiful people of all. With hearts so full of love, of hope, of grace. If only we could love ourselves the way we love the ones who can never, ever give us back what we so deserve in return!
We all have our truths. Which we speak in words here. Jane is to advice and some she counsels.
She should really throw a party and invite all of us 🙂
And one day, Maris, that's exactly what I'll do! 🙂
Hi Jane,
I cried when I read your email. I'm not in a good place right now and I am having a very hard time pulling myself out from thinking that I am not good enough for anyone. I am a very good person, who is there as much as I can be for my friends. I love people and love to laugh but not lately. I've been dealing with so much rejection these days and having a hard time believing that it's not about me but them. How do you do it?
And you are a great person, Lee-Anne! Don't listen to anything or anybody - or any voice within you - that tries to tell you otherwise! The problem is that you can't possibly see it when you're around the very people that reinforce the opposite. The ones you feel rejected by aren't the ones for you! That's how you know. I know it doesn't seem that way; it won't until you've come through all this and can see for yourself the difference when you're with the ones who are right for you. But don't let what it feels like or seems like to you stop you from giving the ones some space who aren't there, who can't give you what you deserve from them. You're not here to convince anyone of your worth or why they should want to be with you. You're here to be yourself and see who shows up and who's on your page and who wants to be with you of their own accord. It's not you! It's who you've been finding; and if they were the ones who you want in your life, you would never be feeling this way with them. This same feeling is how you can know you can trust yourself to know if something or someone is right for you, and if it's not. It's how you know!
Jane,
There is so much difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. I know in my head most these breakups, rejections, whatever are more about the other person than about me; but, how do I believe in my heart of hearts I am amazing! I am worth it! I am important. In my heart is where I want to feel these feelings. I want to believe these things about myself but they all seem to be just past my fingertips.
Thank you.
Hi Jane!
Unfortunately..This is so True!! I feel this way all the time now. Especially when I see new posted pictures. What did I do so wrong? Why isn't that me with him? Not her? If I only would have done this or maybe not said what I really felt. We would still be together.. I don't know, but now I will never know? Being too needy is a horrible feeling. I am really trying to get back on my feet. It just wasn't fast enough for him. I know you say it isn't me, but then who else did all the pushing away? He kept saying that I kept pushing him away. When I tried make it work. By wanted to be closer together. Instead it just pushed us further away. To now where he is dating someone else. We don't even talk anymore. It's like we never existed. The last time we talked he said.. we can't see each other right now. But that really means. Never!! I met some really nice people with him. Is it wrong to continue being with them and having fun. Or do I not stay in touch? I feel so left out now. How do fill this feeling? I was finally feeling like I was part of something. Now again I am Abanded!! When will this change?
I hope you can help find some answers Jane.....
Abanded Again
But with someone who was on your page, you couldn't have pushed him away, Pammy. With someone who was truly right for you and looking for you and all that you have to offer, you would never have felt the need to do the things you did to push him away. That's what it's not you! You can't push someone away who's where you are, who's on your page, who wants the same thing you want with you. Of course he says you kept pushing him further away. That the easiest reason to give you that absolves him of sharing in the responsibility for why this didn't work. You're never abandoned by someone else, it only appears this way because we abandon ourselves. We loathe ourselves for not being able to pull it together, when in reality, someone who's right for you will love for you, for who you are right now, not for who you're going to become but who you are right now. This is the irony. We're just helping them confirm the harsh judgement we've already passed on ourselves; yet we're so surprised when we only get more of the same and find ourselves "abandoned" again. See? I'm unlovable. We can now offer further proof of this to ourselves. No, you're not. You're still the same beautiful woman who's still chasing after someone who can't give you what you need and deserve, not through any fault of either of you, but simply because you're not on the same page together.
"When I tried make it work. By wanted to be closer together. Instead it just pushed us further away." And that's why it just pushed you further away from each other. You tried. He didn't. He didn't want to be brought closer together. Not because of you, but because it wasn't working for him. Not that you weren't enough, but because he was looking for something different.
Do what you can live with. If you want to still be with your friends, by all means be with them. You can stay in touch or not; it won't change anything and doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that you be true to yourself and honor what you need to do for you. Don't look at any of this from his viewpoint of how anything you do will affect him. You only answer to you. You're not abandoned again. You're still that beautiful woman who's discovering what she deserves and what has no place in her life. You can never be the only one doing all the work in any relationship that you want to be in!
That's very true and we deserve nothing less let them cry oh wait they will not on to the next bitch is a new one moving on again 3 down forever only me and my daughter left after all this time thanks I have never been so disappointed in my life
I'm so sorry, Israel. My heart goes out to you for what you're going through.
And they are two very different things, Natalie. We come to this type of head knowledge so much more easily than being able to come to see this in our hearts where we're actually motivated to do something about it. It's by walking through it, by living out in the process of seeing it that we come to see it in our hearts. It's all about changing our programming. So when then negative voice pops up that questions the reality - your truth! - that you are amazing, that you are worth it, that you matter and you are important, you listen to what it has to say, but then you ask yourself why it's true. Why is it true you're not worth it? Why is it true that you're not amazing, that you don't matter, that you're not important? Why do you have such an easier time believing that? Because it's our programming. Because it's the messages we've been receiving in both subtle and not so subtle ways since before we even understand what these messages were. But it's by living through this, by standing up to the messages that tell you otherwise, by proving to yourself by putting yourself in situations where you are around other like-minded people you arecompatible with, that you find your proof that you do know who you are! By going where you're loved and not staying where you're not, by refusing to take on anything that is someone else's and not yours, you begin to develop the everyday habits that will keep this knowledge in motion so you can't help but see what's true and what's not. It may not happen overnight, after all, you didn't make these messages your own overnight, but as you commit to proving your worth to yourself by taking these actions, you'll find your heart catching up with your head.
Thank you for so many encouraging words from everyone. We all go through different "character" building events in our life with regard to relationships (I personally call them "Character" building events).. The more I read these threads, I realize how important it is to love oneself and have good self esteem. I thank Jane for the blog, and all those writing their feelings. It is helping me tremendously. I already know how important it is to be your own best friend, important not to forget who we are. WE ARE IMPORTANT TOO! Thank you again.
hello Jane
Thank you for such couraging words.i use to blame myself for every break up i had,every fight i had in my relationships so nw i wont do that anymore,
So glad you're seeing this, Makwena. It always, always takes two. One to create the trigger, one to respond. In a real, loving relationship there is understanding for our humanness, grace for our "mistakes", and acknowledgement that we are all doing the best we can with what we know at the time. Don't settle for anything less than that! You're never the only one at "fault", and when we focus on loving ourselves instead of looking for things to blame ourselves for, we discover a very beautiful human who's exactly that - worthy of being loved.
Hi,
I love your emails. Lately, its sometimes the only high I get during the day, reading them and feeling like I have worth. After 20 years of marriage it took less than two months for my husband to move on with another woman. He gave up on us because I decided I could not let the two foster children we had been fostering for three years go. We were in the adoption phase and he told me he did not want to adopt and if I did I would need to leave. I left thinking he would realize how much he loved us. Instead, less than two months later he was in a relationship with a woman divorced twice the three children. I feel worthless. I feel less beautiful, less smart, less everything compared to a woman I have never met. I worked so hard in my marriage, so hard. I never felt like it was enough and clearly I was not. It hurts so badly but each day I hope I am getting a bit stronger. I have ceased begging and pleading with him and trying to prove that I am worth it. I don't feel it but I no longer try to convince him. I want so badly for the day to come when I can like me. I am so scared that that day will never come and I will always pine for a man that most likely never loved me anyhow.
I know what comparing yourself to another woman does to you. Don't do that to yourself. You're you. You're beautiful, perfect as you are. The man is just not right for you. It is very clear. Mourn the loss but be gentle with yourself. Love to you.
Thank you, Jen. I so appreciate your kind words. You do have worth! So much more than we ever believe we do! Come out of that place of fear where we allow our fears to snowball into our reality. Test it. Ask yourself the questions that you know the answers to in your heart. We take this all so personally when someone moves on faster than we can. When we can't understand their actions, we go to that all too familiar place of attributing it to something somehow that has everything to do with us. Don't go there. You thought he would realize "how much he loved us", but he wasn't there. He wasn't on the same page as you. Who knows exactly why someone can move on as quickly as they do, but I do know it's always about where they're at and not about you. Is there a foster care support group for people who people who share your beautiful passion? Find the ones who make you feel less alone, who celebrate with you the things you care about. It's a beautiful thing to surround ourselves with the ones who are like us, who share our same hearts and souls and make us feel like there's everything to be loved and adored about us. Find those ones. They're the ones who will help you see what you can't seem to see for yourself right now. You won't always pine for someone like this, when you discover yourself and what you absolutely deserve you'll see this so clearly for yourself. You only want to be with the ones who love you, who adore you, who can't imagine being anywhere else but with you!
I couldn't relate to this more... I am very hard on myself when it comes to the topic of lasting love and relationships.. I'm a good person and I strive to bring that to others while staying true and fair to myself and what I want. Recently, I ended a relationship with a guy who came on so strong, who my friends knew and said would never hurt me, and he did... I know there are no guarantees, but I really thought this time would be different.. I am so ready for love that I convinced myself that's where we were headed.. but he thought differently. I can look back and see it wasn't meant to be, but my ego took a hit this time.. Does anyone have any advice on a bruised ego vs. feeling like you miss someone? I can't tell if I should really re-examine that relationship or of it's my ego getting the better or me. Again, I put a lot of pressure on myself and reflect on my part vs seeing it for what it was..
Focus first on being gentle and compassionate with yourself and forgiving yourself for doing the best with what you thought you knew about him, Theresa. If you can stop being so hard on yourself for what you didn't know, it doesn't really matter what the reason is behind what you're feeling. If you can see it wasn't meant to be, let it be that. When you go back and forth and revisit what went wrong and why, you only stay stuck in the past that is already gone. It sounds like this is all a part of you, as you say, "being very hard on yourself on the topic of lasting love and relationships." Change that, and I have a feeling you'll change a very big theme in your life here that will in turn, begin to change your story. You're more than a good person; you're a beautiful human being with so much to offer, so much to give, so much to share with someone who's on the same page as you and wants the same thing you do with you. Don't settle for less than that, Theresa. We all fall into the trap of thinking it will be different and then trying everything in our power to make it so, but it has to work for you, too.
I am just back from a long fall walk. The colours here are something else. But because of a failed relationship, one that ended 8 months ago, I missed today's beauty because I am a broken man. I gave what so many women say they must have...gratitude, my attention and concern, generosity, support, my care, my interest. And it was not enough. She changed, I wondered why and asked why but she brushed it off. She pushed me away emotionally. Then she did her best to pick a fight with me but I would not until finally she harshly ended it. After I tried so hard. I am so down on myself for what I can't see as anything but losing what I wanted, and what I worked so hard for.
I wish I could walk with you Jane as a friend, under the falling leaves and the brook where her and I once ate egg salad sandwiches and orange pop, and you could help me see the beauty again.
I would love to show you a different view too, Wayne. Take in the beauty of the season. Let it be all for you, not for her, not for anyone else but you. And then let me ask you this; if you contacted her would it help you through this? Would it be better than this?
You're taking so much responsibility for her actions. You're taking on so much that isn't yours to take on in the first place. She couldn't give you what you thought she could, what she may have thought she could. And then the distance came that she created as her first step to try to back out of something she couldn't do. And then the fights she tried to pick with you, again so that she could get back to her own level of comfort at a safe, comfortable distance that she could handle.
Do you see that this was all about her, and not you? Can you see that she's the one who wasn't comfortable and didn't know any other way to get back to her own comfort level than turn this all on you? She couldn't see what was really going on. She couldn't or wasn't able to face the reality of herself and what she wasn't capable of. Don't take what is hers on you. No wonder you can't climb out of this heartbroken pit you've put yourself in. Come out and be among the living, flowing trees full of life, Wayne. You don't belong in there anymore.
If you reached out and asked her the questions you want to know, if you heard her admit what you know in your heart is hers to own and not yours, would it help? She can't give that to you, but if hearing something from her would help, or at least be better than this, than do what you need to do to see her for where she really is and what she can't give you.
There's someone else who's waiting for exactly who you are to eat those egg salad sandwiches and orange pop and see all the beauty of the season with you. Someone who knows what they want and can give you what you deserve in return. Don't make this about what's wrong with you. Give this all back to her.
Thank you for your comment. Unfortunately there are others dealing with similar issues and I am sure they find comfort and guidance in your words as well.
I agree she was backing out, but she enjoyed the attention and all I did for her so that probably kept things going. But inside, I think she was churning and conflicted. And I did not see it.
I did contact her after she broke up with me. She changed her story from the harshness of my pulling her and other similar reasons to saying it was her not me and attributing it to circumstances, one I was aware of, the other I was not, so I really am left not knowing what to believe. I really cannot believe anything she said. She lied to me before.
Whenever I had tried to appeal to her emotionally, she would say how she never thought men were supposed to be "needy", so I quickly learned to stay away from such talk. After all that happened, I doubt she would ever be understanding to any appeal by me or any reaching out now.I really think she fits the description of enotionally unavailable.
I can see how you are trying to help me. Thank you. I am writing a journal of what happened in hope I can better understand.
Wayne, just by reading your story I wanted to give you some kind words.
Don't let her break you. You have a lot to give to any other woman! I think It's so nice of a man who appeals emotionally to me (and this DOESN'T mean he is needy, or lacking masculinity)
To me it means I can have an open, honest conversation with him about anything, where we both feel safe to bring up fears, even just the other's opinion on something or whatever issue there is to work out.
In my opinion this strengthens a loving bond with the person, INSTEAD of a having huge outburst of verbal fight where nothing gets solved usually.
Anyway, maybe one day I'll find out what this is like
P.S: Anyone, Correct me if I'm wrong on the meaning of emotional availability 🙂
You defined the meaning of this beautifully, Elisia!
"To me it means I can have an open, honest conversation with him about anything, where we both feel safe to bring up fears, even just the other's opinion on something or whatever issue there is to work out.
In my opinion this strengthens a loving bond with the person, INSTEAD of a having huge outburst of verbal fight where nothing gets solved usually." - It's what we all need to come to expect, and refuse to settle for anything less.
Gee, thank you Elisia for your kind words. Fortunately, a good buddy of mine is relentless in his determination to help me flush her. Sometimes my self talk is counterproductive and hurtful. And I find it all still hard to process, it all came as a horrible shock even though hindsight shows my ignoring the plain to see was the wrong thing to do. However this site has been very helpful and I just have to work harder on this and not stop until I know her as a distant memory.
There are so many messages coming at people, that being needy in a relationship is bad. That anyone who labels someone needy is wrong. Different people call different things "needy". Asking someone who values her independence for a drive to the hospital for a test can be needy, apparently. It seems, to quote Don Henly, "The more I know, the less I understand".
"Asking someone who values her independence for a drive to the hospital for a test can be needy, apparently. "
This makes me angry! I can't believe she or anyone would do this!
I don't know there is such thing as "needy" for 2 people who want to be together, and equally give to their relationship.
That's good you have a buddy to help you! I find this site very helpful too! Just switch the "he" part to "she" and there you go =)
Jane is a great help too, she always responds when people ask.
"I don't know there is such thing as "needy" for 2 people who want to be together, and equally give to their relationship." Exactly, Elisia. This is exactly the way I see this, too! And thank you! 🙂
Needy is always subjective, Wayne. What's needy to one person isn't to another. It's all about being on the same page as someone, not about individual labels. Don't allow anything to be put on you that you don't accept for yourself. It's never about you, it's always, always about them.
Exactly, Elisia. I couldn't agree more!
With this last guy that I met, the 1st chance of friendship felt short n I was obsessed with him this time last year overcoming shyness to texting him. When he ended the friendship with me all I wanted was a 2nd chance of it n that I would do things differently like less texting n use txts to confirm a meeting or I'm gonna meet him somewhere, not be so needy, I always think a 2nd chance of friendship would work beta than the 1st chance. I left him alone all year except for his birthday coz that's all he asked for. The other day i looked at my FB inbox n not clicked on his convo from July 10th 14 n I noticed he changed his profile picture which I never seen b4 n it tempted me to go to his profile but I never did, I think I'll feel shy n nervous when I give him a msg coz he won't reply back or even decline my friend request. I want this guy to see how far I have changed myself from being obsessive n stalking to none of it. My trap is when I meet a guy 2x n talk to him everyday I will get obsessed with him, my friend said its not nice for a man to see u that you're obsessed with him otherwise he will get rid of me or scare him away. Ppl I say I scare or stalk guys I like but I dont.
You'll have a much lesser chance of becoming obsessed with someone, Courtney, if you're focusing on your own life and creating a full life of your own. Find what makes you happy and do so much of that. Find your own beautiful ways of self-expression to remind you often of who you are and what you bring to this world, to the lives of people around you, to your friends and your family and someone who will love you for you and be deserving of everything you have to offer. When you give someone space to be themselves and give you some signs that they're interested in you before you write up the fairy tale based on the fantasy of what you imagine is the way it could be with them, you won't set yourself up for any unnecessary heartbreak. Make sure they can give you what you're looking for in all the ways that matter. You deserve absolutely nothing less than this!
Thank you so much for this morning's e-mail (10/14/2014). It was heaven sent. I have been struggling with some heartache regarding a male friend whom after almost two years I asked whether we could elevate our friendship to more than friends. (that was three weeks ago, and have not heard from him). I'm doing okay, just twinges of him come to my mind. It hurt terrible when he said "I don't know". I am a mature woman, not a teen so it truly impacted me. I have kept it to myself, but initially the pain was difficult. I had not realized how much I cared about him. We spoke and e-mailed almost every other day for almost two years. He lives out of state,but traveled here to see family which is nearby frequently. We never held hands, kissed or were intimate. I thought being friends first would be a way to get to know someone.
I agree completely Denise, I've had a guy who I only saw 3x n nothing happened between me n him n I really I know the feeling when nothing happens that's why 1 nice guy ended it with me February 4th 2014 n I was so In tears reading his dear john msg on FB n tempted to reply but he said please don't hassle me on here, if u do I won't reply, I know u will but might be upset but don't be coz nothing happend to us, I wanted to reply but I couldnt n it gave a msg to my mind saying leave him alone til next year give him special n so old msgs like his birthday n xmas
With this man. I have no intention of contactng him. I realize by his not contacting me is sending me a clear message. Your e-mail this morning Jane was heaven sent as I said. It only reaffirms that I am doing the right thing for me. Either someone cares or they don't. So, I have let go and it feels good. I was not looking for love when we initially spoke to one another, although I always thought him cute and nice - but there are many man out there who qualify for that MO. I have always been happy with myself and enjoy my own company, but this sort of hit me hard. So, I'm on my way to restarting my thinking, and hopefully in a new way. Thanks to you!
And it would have been the best way to get to know someone if he was on the same page and wanted the same thing as you, Denise. Don't take this as a rejection of you or anything personal. As disappointing as it is to find this out - and I know it is - at least you found out where he's at - that he doesn't know - and you can move on to someone who is on the same page as you. You deserve nothing less and in time, you will see this more clearly, too. This is the time when it's the hardest to see. Go easy on yourself, you're still the same beautiful woman you've always been, regardless of what he chooses to do with you. You only want to be with someone who wants to be with you!
Dear Jane
Thank you for your encouraging words - they means so much to me. Yes, I did hurt very deeply, but as each day goes by I feel better. How wonderful to know that you know the feeling and have worked through it and gone onto a beatiful new life. One day I will understand, just not yet, and I don't want to dwell on it. No one can truly understand every reason why this or why that. I don't want to go on that journey. I just want to continue with my life. It's just so short, I know. Again, the fact that you have this site and I'm able to adhere to your thoughts makes things brighter. Thank you ..Thank you ..Thank you.
I'm glad, Denise. Don't fight it. Feel what you feel. Don't follow what anyone else says you should or shouldn't do to get over this, to get over him. In your own time and way, you'll get there. But like so many of us, we have to see it first for ourselves in a way that we would never have chosen, in a way that we have only to trust is the best way for us. Don't fight the going through. There's a reason.
Thank you for taking the time Jane. Don't fight the going through. It's right no target. Yes, there is a reason, and that reminder resonates very strongly to me. Don't fight it, feel it. Thank you again.
Hi Angel:
I can truly relate to your response I too struggle with who I am and live in fear of being abandoned and having to prove that I am enough.. This whole programming of the mind is so draining however I am determined to overcome and think of myself as the PRIZE.
God Bless
You will always be enough for the ones you want to be with in the first place, Genene! That's how you know!
You are right. The fault is not me. If he's not giving me what I need he won't. He has made his choice and I will make mine based on what I need. I am worthy to be treated decently. I don't know why I make excuses or apologies to him when he is the one making his choices. Too bad for him.
Exactly, Sandra. That's not on you!
Ah yes. The never-ending thought of what's wrong with me. I know intellectually there's nothing wrong with me, but it comes back. It's a constant battle to remind myself there's nothing wrong when the thought comes back. I started doing some remembering of my young tender years and I think I know when I started feeling that and why. It's me having been living my father's life without even knowing. Under his shadow. I took on what was never mind. So now I feel like I don't know who I am. The feeling of fear and shame comes back during the day till I remind myself it is not my feeling. It takes time I guess.
I so hear you, Angel. And the more time you spend doing what you want to do, choosing what makes you happy, exploring your own creative outlets for ways express your true self, the less you will "feel like I don't know who I am". Shake off those feeling of fear and shame as they come; give them back to the ones who put them on you. We can't change our pasts. But by accepting the present as something we absolutely do have control over - and refusing to take on what isn't ours anymore - we can choose what we allow in our lives and what we don't. Feel how empowering that feels! To say "no" when you want to say "no". To put yourself first without allowing yourself to feel guilty and ashamed! Such a stretch for so many of us when we've been so used to playing by someone else's "rules", but when we put our own boundaries in place and only allow in what makes our lives more beautiful, a real change begins. You're already enough and everything, Angel. For the ones that you want in your life.