At one point or another in our dating lives, we've all asked ourselves the all too common question, Why hasn't he called?
And we've all heard the simple (and mostly true) answer:
If he’s interested, he’ll call. If he doesn't, he’s not. End of story.
Hundreds of books have been written around this answer, not to mention the numerous articles and videos all saying the same thing. You’ll always know by that call. And you’ll always know by the lack of one.
But it's not really the end of the story. At least not for you.
The truth is that there’s so much more to it. You want to know the whole story. You want to know why he didn't call you (or at least text you) when he said he was going to and gave you every reason to believe he would.
You want to know why he didn't call when he asked for your number and told you he’d call you to set something up. How could he have come on so strong and then nothing, you wonder? Could he have changed his mind about you just that fast? Was it something you said, or did, or didn't do?
It doesn't make sense when you look at it from where you stand, when you know that if you were him and asked for your number in the first place, you’d follow up with a call or a text or some means of communication to follow through.
You can’t even imagine ever leaving someone hanging like this.
The reality is, it’s not just about why he didn't call. And it’s also not just about you not understanding and wanting some explanation from him so that you can move on and get on with your life.
It’s about the thoughts that underlie that line of questioning.
What’s wrong with me? is the most common, and also the most damaging. Was I too (fill in the blank)? Was I not (fill in the blank) enough? And then we start with the all too familiar beating ourselves up pattern that begins as soon as the reality hits us that he’s not going to call, that it's happened again, and you find yourself questioning whether you’re ever going to find someone to love you for who you are, to appreciate all those qualities that you’re beginning to question in yourself.
You resign yourself to yet another rejection where you allowed yourself to get your hopes up that he just might be the one, after so many disappointments time and time again.
It’s why that simple answer is just never enough.
It’s why there’s got to be something here to salvage, why there’s got to be more to the story than just that he hasn't called or texted you. Because it’s about so much more than just that.
It’s about you.
There’s only one way to change this. There’s only one way to detach yourself from whether or not he calls or doesn't call, whether or not he texts or doesn't text. To realize that none of this is personal. To realize instead that if someone isn't on the same page as you, if they’re not looking for the same thing as you are in relationship, if they’re not looking for you, you really truly honestly don’t want them to be calling or texting you.
I know you want a chance to decide this for yourself. I know you want to be the one who makes this decision for yourself. I know you want to come to this on your own once you've had a chance to explore the potential of this person you've just met and couldn't possibly know well enough to make a decision about in such a short time with so little information.
I know it all because I remember thinking exactly along these same lines too. It’s always different when it’s you. You’re always the exception to the rule when you’re the one this is about. But there’s something beautiful in here in this for you.
There’s a reason.
It’s a reason that has nothing to do with what you can possibly know right now. It’s a reason that really does have your back. It’s because you can’t fake who you are or what you’re about and honestly, you never want to. If you could look far ahead into your life, you would see that this moment that seems to matter so much to you, with this text or call holding so much weight for you, isn't what it appears to be.
It’s the Universe having your back. It’s God or Fate - or whatever you want to call it – looking out for you and knowing what’s best for you even though you can’t see it for yourself from where you stand in this moment. It doesn't change the reality that this is exactly why these things happen.
And why they don’t.
You don’t need any more wasted time and energy on someone who’s not right for you. You don’t need to go through anymore heartbreak of falling for someone who isn't going to be there for the long run that you want someone to be there for.
It’s not good or bad. It just is. It’s what’s right for the both of you. It’s two people not on the same page who for whatever reason that has nothing to do with how worthy you are or how lovable you are or how beautiful or amazing you are. You’re all that already. This isn't about any of that.
And this is why it doesn't matter what you want to do when he doesn't call or text. It’s why it doesn't matter if you need to call him or text him just to find out why. You already have the simple answer that everyone and their brother can tell you; but it’s the answer that satisfies you that you really want.
It’s what will bring you your sense of peace and calm that matters. It’s what allows you to release both him and the outcome you were hoping for. It's what allows you to be truly free.
Whatever you need to do to bring you to that, whether you need to pursue him to feel that rejection -that never is - that takes you to the same place you started out from with your self-esteem and self-confidence feeling the effects, that’s what this is about. Some of us need to learn these things in our own way and our own time before we can move on to see what we couldn't see before.
Don’t let anyone judge you. Do what you need to do for you.
Have you been here? Does this resonate with you more than you'd like to admit? You're not alone! Share as little or as much as you'd like in the comments and see for yourself how true this is. I always love hearing from you.
Our dear friend Sarah is in a committed relationship with her boyfriend, but he won't take that commitment to the next level. He says that he's not ready to commit to her further.
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