Here's a great question from Elly about a guy that's sending her mixed signals. He takes her out on what seem to be formal dates, but then he says that he just wants to be friends.
Her story:
Dear Jane,
Quite recently, my male ex-colleague turned friend had asked me out to dinner. The thing is, though he's been separated from his wife of four years for almost a year or so now, my guard is still firmly up when it comes to him only because I may be attracted to him as more than a friend for now.
I was a bit surprised when he first asked me out to dinner about two months ago.
However, what confuses me the most is that, during one point in the dinner, he said that he wasn't looking for a relationship but rather he'd have a friendship with others any day. His reply threw me for a loop was because he'd just blurted that one out to me when I didn't even probe him about his intentions about getting back into a relationship with someone else in the future.
Further to that, he randomly told me that the dinner wasn't a date and I replied, "Yeah, I know and I hear you." If that's the case, why did he have to make dinner reservations, come pick up (via a cab, as he doesn't own a car) and even paid for my dinner which was about $200++ per pax that night, although I insisted on paying my half of the share but he strongly declined it. He even requested a hug from me before we went our separate ways, which was once again a bit weird for me, because the last time I met up with him for lunch, we just went our own ways after saying our goodbyes. So all these sudden "change" of his behavior towards me is sort of bewildering me.
I understand that chivalry isn't dead; but about a week ago, he text-ed me again asking if I could meet him up for dinner to, in his words, "catch up", and yet again with the whole "I-had-made-dinner-reservations-for-us-both-tonight". And when I told him that I got to take a rain check on suggested dinner due to prior commitments; he sounded quite upset and asked why is it that I keep blowing him out for dinner?
I am all for meeting up with friends, be it male or female, but as feelings (my feelings!) get in the way of things of late, I can't help but wonder why is this man sending me mixed signals? I mean, if you're looking for a void or some kind of distractions from your feelings as you grieve over the loss of your marriage, I am more than happy to lend you my listening ear as a friend, that is, over a cup of coffee --- and not dinner for two at some tres chic Spanish counter top table restaurant. It's just not "right", if you ask me!
At any rate, I've decided to put a distance between me and him, because if it was a genuine meet-up between a man and a woman, I honestly think it's a bit out of the norm to be going the whole nine yards (re: pick me up, dinner reservations, hug request) on this, don't you think?
Anyway, can you please advise me how I should put it across delicately to this man that I can't meet up with him any longer (due to my growing feelings for him, which he hasn't the faintest idea, by the way) if he was going to make every dinner meet-up in a way that appears to be like a 'date', when in reality it isn't? That said, how should I tell him politely that perhaps we shouldn't even meet up for quick luncheons, or dinner even, in the future as I don't wish to be perceived as his buddy nor his emotional placeholder?
I honestly hope you can answer my query because I need to move on from someone whom I know who can't match what I have got to offer. At the same time, when he so much as does something sweet to me, I caved and in turn, hope that one day he will be ready for a relationship. Even though I know that's hardly the truth, based on what I heard from the horse's mouth, that is, the man himself.
Thanks for your time and attention!
- Elly
My Response:
It’s great that you’re so in touch with your own feelings here, Elly, and it’s wise to have your guard up with someone who is only separated, and thus still married, to his former wife. Only when he’s officially divorced and not just on the rebound, would you want to consider engaging in more of a relationship with him.
What you’re describing here, is someone who's doing what works for him and what helps him through this.
That’s why you’re getting the mixed signals. It sounds like he doesn’t know himself what’s right and what’s not and what the "rules" are with this new scenario of dating he’s found himself in. He’s confused, too.
So what he’s doing is what comes naturally to him and what makes the most sense to him right now. It works best for him and so you’re seeing him act and behave in this way, even if it doesn’t make sense to you. Recently separated, he’s not ready for another relationship and he knows this, which is why he’s acting the way he is with you.
He’s enjoying being out with a woman friend that he’s comfortable with - you - and so he obviously doesn’t mind spending the money or making it look and feel like a formal date because it feels good to him.
What you’re seeing from him, is probably exactly what you would expect from him if he could sit down and put in words exactly what you’re looking for him to clarify. He’s “looking for … some kind of distractions from [his] feelings as [he] grieves over the loss of [his]marriage.”
If you take out the “right” or “wrong” way that he’s going about this, and instead look at what you need to do for you – what is the most loving thing you can do for yourself – you can take back your own power here and find what you need in this. What’s right for you will be different from someone else. What gives you a sense of peace about this and leaves you with the least amount of regrets is also highly subjective and all about you.
You have two choices.
As I talked about in my recent post on the whole point of dating, you can simply choose to look at your time with him as simply two friends enjoying each other's company. You can take out any and all “shoulds” and allow the two of you to simply be who and what you are, right where you are now and allow things to unfold naturally in the process of getting to know each other more over time.
You can choose to just be friends with him - just make sure that it's authentic. This isn't about playing games, or hoping to win him over or hoping he'll change his mind. This is only about you accepting what he's told you as fact, and choosing to build a friendship with him.
But if you can’t allow yourself to do that (for example, if your attraction to him is simply too strong and you find that you're spending all of your time pining for him), then you can always tell him to call you when he’s ready for something more than friendship because you’re finding his actions confusing and you’re on two different pages.
You can simply state what it is you’re looking for and what page you’re on. Make it about you, and not him. There’s nothing harsh, or wrong with that; it’s simply the reality of where you are and what you can live with what you can’t.
Don’t feel guilty, don’t take on what isn’t yours to take on. If he’s not comfortable with this or expects something different from you in return, he’ll let you know. You're not leading him on. You’re either enjoying the moment with him for what it is to you, or you’re letting him go.
But you’re always the one in control.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any other thoughts or advice for our dear friend Elly? Tell us in the comments!
Hi, I'm confused too. This man was a college friend. After 4 years, both of us broke up with our partners and being single for a year. We seemed to be still hurt from last relationship and met as friend recently after years. His job requires travelling abroad a lot then we don't have much time. The thing is, he sent mixed signals, never mentioned sth like "we r just friend". I asked why he wanted to see me after years, he answered "there sth kind of special". But then he started running away, no fFacebook contact such as like or comment as before. After month he came back and ask me out again, telling me about his life, his busy work and he's sad inside and he's lonely. Now after another month, I'm tired of waiting him spending time with me, I plan to arrange an appointment and just wanna have fun with him, thank him for the time being as the last time, but he got biz trip the whole month then now come back, says "if I still wanna go, he's ok". What should I do? I understand the fact that he's not into me and that im desperate, should I contact him as the last time even when he seems kind of busy and away from me? I really want to win his heart but have no confidence
You don't win anyone's heart. They give it to you willingly and without you doing anything but being your honest self with them. It's simple.
You said in your comment "I understand the fact that he's not into me and that im desperate". I ask you: why do you want to be with a man who's not into you? What's there for you? Why are you desperate? Desperate for what?
I invite you to dig deeper into yourself and find out why you're abandoning yourself and letting yourself go for things that are not there. There's always an underlying fear or feeling, a need you're trying to meet through another person, but it's definitely you who's not meeting your own need. A healthy state is one in which we're whole and don't feel like winning anyone over. We inspire others to come to us and share, but we do it from a place of wholeness and awareness of who we are and who they truly are. We see reality for what it is and make the best, most loving decisions for our own self.
Look for answers within, this man and this fantasy you project onto him are not it.
Good luck.
Thanks a lot Angel. I do appreciate your advice. Well, when we spent time together, we were so interested in it and he always showed he never wanted to leave. He told me a lot about last relationship then I understand that he's not ready. When I met him, I felt he's interested in me but perhaps I'm too sensitive and created imagination. That's why I want to know how he really felt about me and tried to contact to discover it.
My problem is, I never had a long relationship. I am desperate to have someone cares about me and how to express how I love that person since people often say I'm cold.
So you're desperate to prove people wrong? To prove you're not cold?
Are you really cold? What do you think? And assuming you are cold, why would that be so bad? What would that mean to you about you?
I know this sounds like psychological stuff, but it's really helpful when we want to really know what it is we want and need.
If he cared about you or not doesn't really matter. What matters is you and your life.
We all want to share ourselves with someone. The question is why? Figure out if you want to avoid something or fill a void with that. If that's the case, there's a big chance you'll never find what you're after even if you find a partner. Fill the void instead, stop avoiding and start facing whatever it is you need to. I promise you, you are that powerful.
I just watched your video; Making him chase you," I know what I need to do I just need to do it.
I am doing the choosing; He has to prove that he is worthy of me. So simple, yet so hard to follow when you let your emotions to get in the way.
So glad you found your own answer, Don't know what to do! Yes, so simple and yet so hard to do when our feelings about what "should" be about what we want it to be, and what it might be, all get in the way. Focus on the reality of what is, and not the fantasy of what you want it to be, and it will begin to become easier. One step at a time. 🙂
I started seeing a newly divorced man back in November; whom told me upfront he wasn't ready for a relationship. Fast forward to February I told him where I stood that we were dating or I couldn't continue on, we kept seeing eachother and alot of feelings were developed for this person. In March he tells that he didn't want a relationship that I was getting too close all this after he played the part to lead me there. I was very hurt and separated myself from him. In that time we still continued to talk and I actually joined a dating website to see what else was out there. In that time I've met another man who is on the same page as me as far as a relationship goes, but the other guy has also come back saying he doesn't want to lose me and wants to start over but still doesn't seem like he's ready to commit to a relationship. I just don't know if I should totally stop seeing the guy that is on the same page as me or just be direct with the one that hurt me and tell him we're either in a relationship or not.
Don't know what to do.
Like Devi correctly stated, not everyone can give his whole heart straight away, and obviously this man is afraid of getting into a new relationship at the moment which musn't really have to do with Elly personally.
I think she should act casually, going out with him again without urging for a relationship. The more she will continue like this showing an elated and easy way of hers which he can enjoy, it can be quite possible that he will develope more feelings on the bottom line. Of course this needs patience and time. She shouldn't take greater attention to his signals and better not give them back until he has developed so far that they become more obvious to her.
If she has fallen in love, she is desperate anyway. So, I see it this way, that she can't lose by continuing and seeing how it goes.
We are in our 40's, both divorced and have children. I am one week out of this scenario and did have the conversation of what do we both want. When he realized I was going to stop seeing him, he immediately wanted to find common ground that would work for both of us. He said we should give each time to think about what we each could give then said that I am in total control of the friendship. He wants any type of friendship I can offer- that I could make up the boundaries and all rules and that he would comply. I have decided I don't want him completely out of my life. I have decided to go with the no contact rule for a month to give myself time to think. My current though, which will.probably change by day 30, is that we can meet for one meal a month, and if there is activity we want to do together, example- a sporting event, hiking etc we can contact each other. This will allow me to keep me opportunity open and to continue to focus on my life. I am interested to hear your thoughts. I love this site- as it is the only one that deals with emotions and not empty advice.
Thank you for your kind words, Kelly. There are so many emotions behind mere words of what to do and what not to do. It sounds like you know what you want from him and what you're not willing to settle for. Instead of following any set of "rules", like no contact, listen to your heart and gut instincts. What matters most is doing what you can live with. Follow what feels right to you. Don't worry about whether it's what the popular advice tells you to do. Doing what someone else tells you to do doesn't allow you to discover for yourself what you're meant to see in a way and time line that's right for you. Do what gives you the greatest sense of peace and calm and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. That's what matters, Kelly. Because ultimately, you only answer to you.
I m dating a guy for 10 yrs , he confuses me ,one day he talk about the future together , next time he said he is not ready and not sure if he want to meet some one else and have a family, I have been married 2 times and have one kid out of each marriage, he never married he is 50 yrs old profetional, I'm 55 and don't want and can't have more kids and this was clear when we meat , my son was 8 yrs old then, he could had been involved with him,as he regrets now, or pretend , my son is going to be 18 soon , now my boyfriend Is in the Hurry to send my son out Of my house , to college far away, or in the summer camping for the whole summer, states my son is moms boy and he needs to separate from me, and do more out of the house wich is true , my son is all I have and I baby him.and he loves me, and he rather spend time with me home that out with friends he is an aloner But I will never trade my son for a relationship ,by the way he is not asking me to marry him , he said came to live with me for a year to see if it work our , but with out my son , send my son to his dad, I really love him and I feel like I invested a lot of time. On empty promises , I know he loves me, on his own way..I can't never live him because every time I do he is back texting me asking me back telling me how much he loves me and misses me, and I can't say no, then we back together on again off again,,,,
He is a honeymooner , , or in other words good times Charlie .
Please advise.
You have to figure out what you really want with this man, Amanda. And then let him know what that looks like. If you're not on the same page, and you want something different than he wants, then you can say no to him - no matter how many messages he sends you - because it's not what you want. But if you want to be with him, figure out what that looks like. If sending your son away isn't an option, then don't make excuses for him or you, just let him know it's a dealbreaker. Only you know what you can live with and what you can't, but someone who loves you would respect your decision and wouldn't make you choose between your son and him. That's not how love works.
I think that there is a yearning in men for companionship, as there is in women - but each of us takes time to unfold our selves in a new relationship. We may not have a whole heart to give, not have fully emerged from a past relationship or a broken situation, and YET we feel the siren call of a new person. While moving towards that call, we can clear away our barriers, but it is the new call that inspires us to move out of the shelter of the past situation. The frustrations are in fact an indication that we want something more, to progress and evolve. So it takes wisdom to hold on to the feeling of new love, of discerning a possible partner, and at the same time making sure we do not grab or grasp at something that is our right - that must be given by him - his whole heart, just as if he is worthy, he deserves our whole heart too. My sense is that this man feels the call, but unconsciously. So he has a process to go through, to raise this awareness into conscious reality. Balance it, ride it. Good luck!
You summarized this process beautifully, Devi. Thank you.
If you really like him as a man, it would be wiser to walk away. If he insists on knowing why, then you could tell him straight up. Staying around doing the whole "friends" thing is a bit dangerous if what you want from him is something else. He has nothing to lose, but you do. Your confidence and self esteem. I have been there a couple times and it really doesn't end well. Besides, chances are that when you start lookung at him objecttively, you might just find that he truly doesn't alligne with what you are looking for anyway. Walk away, it is better for you. You don't want to miss someone who truly wants you and can give you what you want for being where you are uncertain.
Thank you for adding your insight here from your own experiences, Angel; it's all a part of how we come to see what we're meant to in our own time. 🙂
And it took me a lot of grief to see that. It was devastating. I am on the way to getting back up again. I made a promise to myself, this won't happen again.
I hear you, Angel. I'm sure it was.
I have been in a similar situation, and it did not end well for me. My "friends only" relationship with a still-married man turned into "friends with benefits," because I developed strong feelings for him, and he for me as well. However, he was still emotionally confused and tied to his marriage. So we had to pull back and that was very painful for both of us, but especially for me, be cause Id fallen for a man who was not yet emotionally ready to move on from his marriage.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Sharon. When you've been there, you understand so well!
So often, people rush to hurt others or punish. It is great to read here that is not what people should do, rather to be compassionate to others with ones self in mind, too.
Exactly, Wayne; because when we "rush to hurt others or punish", we only end up hurting or punishing ourselves in the long run. It's no coincidence that the ones who are the harshest or most judgmental with others are also the harshest and most judgmental with themselves. True compassion always begins with self-compassion - and grace. When we seek to understand the story behind the behaviors - both our own and others - we see that we're not so different after all.
If he is unsure about you, take away his option to have you at all in his life, leave and find someone who 100% is certain they want you.
It's what we all deserve, Jackie; someone who never needs to be convinced of your worth.