Our beautiful friend Michelle is dealing with a situation that so many of us loving, caring women find ourselves in. She knows in her head that he's a commitment phobe and he's going to continue to break her heart over and over again, but she just can't seem to let go.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I wrote to you about a year ago regarding a three year relationship I was in with a "great" guy who just wouldn't commit - the typical commitment-phobe narcissist who we all know and love!
He broke up with me three times. Each time he cited the "you deserve better" rationale. I was devastated each time I was discarded by him. It felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under my feet. I let these experiences severely impact the way I felt about myself and the value that I brought to the table in any relationship. It turned into a pretty bad self loathing project for quite a while.
Ironically, to the outside world I looked like a very accomplished, fit, pretty, confident 43 year-old single mom who had it all together. But on the inside I feel like a worthless, desperate woman who's not even good enough for a 46 year guy with plenty of problems of his own. I had convinced myself that I would never feel about someone the way I felt about him. Never have that kind of connection again, especially at my age. He ended up moving to a different state and I asked him to not contact me any more.
Here's where the story gets good. After the devastation really sank in and I let myself feel the loneliness, I started to get myself to a really good, strong place where I felt confident and in control again. I knew what I wanted and who I wanted to be. Things were looking very sunny.
But then, as if he could literally smell this confidence from afar, he came back into my life. He appealed to me on every emotional level he could think of and slowly but surely I let him back into my heart. Once again, I believed everything he said. We made arrangements to meet up in different places. Always very romantic and exciting. Always involving sex. In the year that we've been broken up, I've seen him at least 6 or 7 different times. I even spent Thanksgiving with his whole family. Each time he would say that he loves me and still wants us to be together and was going to find a way to make it all right.
And I believed him. All the while, still putting my life on hold and living in this state of limbo. Only this time, there was no real commitment so he didn't have to feel bad about what he was doing. The most recent contact happened only a short two weeks ago. We met up, had sex, great conversation, real connection and then poof! He's gone. There were a ton of emails and phone calls leading up to the encounter but now that it's done, the contact has all stopped. And I get the impression that he is actively dating other people, although he will never admit to that. This is a man who will attempt to eternally keep his options open.
So long story short, my question to you is HOW do I stop myself from letting him back in? How do I keep myself from feeling like such a loser? I'm a smart girl who knows better. I see the signs. I have the intuition. I know what is really happening here and what the best course of action is, and yet, each time he attempts to creep back in, I LET HIM! It's my fault, not his. How do I end this once and for all and not get consumed with all the thoughts about what he's doing, who's he dating, what does she have that I don't. etc. etc. etc.
I don't want to waste another second of my precious life on him or this, but I just don't know how to get there once and for all. Any help or advice you have would be greatly appreciated.
My Response:
Dear Michelle,
I’m never surprised when we find ourselves right where you are, right back where we promise ourselves we’ll never go. It’s because this is not about him. This is about you. And that’s the best possible scenario there could be! Do you see how powerful you are? You draw him to you by that power, by that beautiful metamorphosis that occurs when you’re finally finding your wings and ready to fly. And there he is; he’s back. He knows.
The most simple answer here, Michelle, is that when you find out why you believe you need to have someone like this in your life, you will be able to say no to him and let him go. He will no longer hold such power over you.
But you have to love yourself enough to do exactly that. To be able to let him go, to not go back to him, to stop thinking about what he’s doing who he’s doing it with, you have to be willing to stop playing his game. You have to want to. And few of us do.
There’s something drawing you in. There’s something he’s got that you need on some subconscious level that is worth more to you than the pain of the heartbreak and the havoc it wreaks on your own beautiful life.
I’m willing to bet it’s in your story.
There’s something there that says you need someone like this to try to convince of your worth to prove you’re worthy. There’s someone you’re trying to prove this to.
And while you may have created this package of all that you are and all that you have to offer that someone who’s truly right for you is going to love about you, there’s a belief system that says the opposite going on within your thoughts and the words you tell yourself without even realizing it.
Find those words. Find that little girl inside who’s so drawn to someone like this who can’t love her or give her what she deserves, but she still keeps trying anyway. Who’s telling her these lies?
It’s deep, Michelle, because it’s our conditioning and our beliefs that shape our behavior and cause us to do the things we do as if someone else was controlling our actions.
Whether it’s the fairy tales we innocently absorb as children, the media with all its misplaced messages equating hurt with love, the drama of the one person you could never quite get to love you, or the epic love story tragedy that you believe belongs to you, it competes with your own logical reality for your response to him.
It ends when you take back your own power. When you take that outdated story, those old tapes with their permanent setting of repeat, and you refuse to be a tragic heroine any longer.
You’re not.
He doesn't deserve you.
You deserve to be loved.
You have to love yourself enough to choose you instead of him this time, Michelle. He can’t give you what you want. You have to find it in you. It’s there. But until you change what you’re telling yourself, he’s the one holding the power in your own mind.
Make a list of what he offers you. And what he doesn't.
Make a list of how he treats you, and what you deserve and compare the two.
Write a letter to him that you don’t send of everything you want to say to him but never do.
You can’t wait for him to release you. The releasing can only come from you.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any ideas for our friend Michelle? Please share them with us in the comments!
Wow. This article and thread have helped me so much. I want to thank you all.
Learning to love myself more!
I had a very similar pattern. He would come back after I promised myself (and God for that matter!) that I'd never take him back. And just as I was getting comfortable he'd come around and seduce me all over again.
The seduction is over, the relationship is over, and I'm finally over him. Because I "see" the whole picture now. I attracted him because he reminded me so much of my father, a man I loved dearly but who was emotionally unavailable as a father. I felt like my significant other came along to allow me to have the loving relationship i never had with my own dad. But of course my significant other was just as emotionally unavailable. I also attracted him because he has many aspects of my mother, the malignant narcissist, the person who really has no capacity to love. I spent my entire life trying to gain her approval. I looked for approval from my significant other who was just as narcissistic as my mother, therefore had no real capacity to love.
But here's the fascinating part. I had a breakthrough with both of my parents at Christmas. I stood up to my mother for the first time and let her have it after she crossed the line and attacked me. I told her everything I had held in for 50 some years. I also had a heart to heart with my dad and told him how he never protected me from the abuse of my mother and even made it worse by not allowing me to defend myself. I learned to accept crumbs from people and felt I didn't deserve anything more than crumbs. Through this breakthrough, we were able to make peace meaning, I have firm boundaries now and I put myself first instead of my parents. And shortly after, my relationship with the significant ended for good. I guess I no longer needed him having had this breakthrough with my parents - so I didn't need him to play either role with me anymore. Hope that makes sense....
As a side note, I read a book called "Never Go Back" which was really good. One thing it says about romantic relationships that really stood out for me. When someone returns after an argument or a break up and says, "I'm sorry" that doesn't mean we should let them back in. "I'm sorry" are just words. If they are truly sorry, they need to show change. What will they do different to make the future with you different? We often accept "I'm sorry" without any proof of change of their attitude or behavior, therefore "I'm sorry" could just mean, they are sorry they no longer have you as a booty call! If someone apologizes, they have to explain what they have learned or how they will be different going forward - they have to commit to positive change. (But as I write this I remember my own significant other telling me how he would change - sometimes promises are as weak as apologies. He couldn't keep his promise and that's why he is now my ex significant other).
Best of luck!
Out of curiosity what is your Astrological sign and his?
I am in the same shoes with Michelle, While i was reading your story i feel like i am reading my own. Break ups and make ups. Spending his birthday with me, Christmas Eve and my family and Christmas day with him and his family. We've been on and off for almost 2 years now. After spending Christmas with him two days later i never heard from him until this day. I reached out and checked on him, my calls and text goes unanswered. He's gone without a word. I am hurt and sad because all i do is just love him and respect him. Saying bye is okay unless it's uttered.
It's his own stuff, Loving, that has nothing to do with you. Remember that part. I know how much it hurts when you love someone like this, but without his wanting things to be different, you can't be the only one.
These are all very insightful and thought provoking comments. I can commpletely understand where Michelle is coming from, not only is she my name sake but I am living her world. I too am currently involved with a man who cannot committ, but is very loving, affectionate and attentive making it difficult to leave the relationship. Inside I think he truly wants a loving and long term relationship, but his fears get the best of him and then the chaoa insues. About 5 months ago, I found out he was cheating on me, not with one woman but two. To make a long story short, I had to temporatily move in with him when my house sold quickly. He was the one who invited me to stay with him while I foudn a home as we agreed living together was not in the cards for us. This situation caused great anxiety for him, he likely felt trapped and needed to prove to himself on some bizarre level that he was free. Se he went on a business trip to his old home town and connected with two different women and for 2 different reasons. One for sex, the other for a potential partner whom he could connect with while he was there. Extremely selfish and disrespectful to me, the other women and himself. Anyway, after moving into my new home I spilled the beans that I knew of his cheating and the roller coaster ride began. I always told myself I would never accept a man who cheated and thought little of women who would try to reconcile, but here I am trying to hold this very fragile and dead relationship together. And here he is again, on another business trip to his home town, called last night to say he is extending his already too long trip by another day. I get upset at him and ask the questions we seem to dance around. He dislikes that I ask if he is being honest and faithful saying, 'I don't like to feel like I am getting the 3rd degree, you have to decide if you can be with me." So another words, you have to accept my behavior as I will do what ever I want regardless of what you think.
I want out, I want to be free of these horrible feelings or worthlessness, I want to sleep at night, I no longer want these all consuming thoughts of him being unfaithful gone from my head.
So now I just have to do it, why is it so difficult?
Because there is nothing more damaging to our beautiful selves, Michele, than to stay somewhere where we're treated like this, where we excuse away the obvious reasons, where we convince ourselves we don't really know, where we allow ourselves to be treated like this and say nothing, and do nothing and accept this as the best we're going to get. It's never what someone else does to us that does the most damage; it's what we do to ourselves when we allow it.
These situations always sound so clear to the outside world -- "dump him" is the easy answer. "You deserve love; don't settle for a jerk." But as I can attest, and I'm guessing Michelle would agree, it's never that simple.
Here's the thing from my experience in this realm -- some commitment phobes CAN love you -- deeply. He can be a great guy. And he can express love and treat you well -- during the periods in which he is able to conquer his feelings of fear and/or not feel the fear because the pressure is off. When the fear creeps up is when they distance themselves and/or disappear. That may happen in a few weeks of dating, or it may not happen for a few months or even years.
But even then, if they are good-hearted people, some of them will still treat you with respect -- they just can't be fully present in the relationship once it reaches a certain level of intimacy and responsibility. That's why some of us have taken him back when he comes calling again, literally with tears in his eyes telling us how much he missed us and how he will do anything it takes to make it work. We ask ourselves, is it Mars just being Mars and needing some space, or is it something deeper? So we are faced with the decision of taking the risk on someone we know we get along well with, know we can love, know we have a special connection with, who is right there in person telling us emphatically he's ready to make it work... Or diving back into the vast sea in hopes we can stumble upon a special connection again, somewhere, sometime, someplace.
[This isn't about "he's just not that into you" -- those ones are pretty easy to let go of.]
For me, one of the hardest things to get over was the feeling of blame and shame on myself for feeling so duped by someone I thought loved me but must not have really loved me -- how could my instincts and intuition and judgement have been so wrong? After years of no contact and healing, I was ultimately told by that ex, that he deeply loved me but he couldn't get past his phobias. I wasn't wrong in trusting that we had a significant connection. He wanted more than anything to make it work. His deep-seeded issues kept getting in the way (and keep getting in the way in his present relationships), and they weren't something he could change simply because his head and heart wanted them to. (At least not without years of therapy.)
I also dated another guy later with some of these same issues (long distance, so it took a little longer to see the issues come out).... I realized he fit the pattern, and I broke up with him. We remained friends, and I actually helped coach him in another relationship on what I had learned reading all of the books Mari, above, mentions regarding commitment phobia. It was fascinating for me to hear those male commitment phobic emotions play out so honestly from the mouth of someone I'd been through it with. Again, the guy is not a jerk -- he's just got issues.
I guess my point is, ladies, with a true commitment phobic, these relationships can be so much more complicated than having picked someone who can't love you and who is a jerk, so please don't blame yourself as I have and add to the injury that these relationships cause to your self-esteem. Sometimes, we're in the situation because we have allowed a guy to treat us less than we deserve. But other times, the relationship is rolling along with respect, love and friendship, but the issues come out specifically because the guy found someone he can love, and it freaks him out more than he ever expected. Unfortunately, what we have to understand is that his issues are his problem -- our problem is how to know when to get out because it is very, very, very unlikely these men can change, even if they want to.
One thing that has made this tough for me is all the stories my male friends tell me about how they were commitment phobic until they met the right person. The difference is, those men fight through their fears because they want so badly to be with that person. The commitment phobe has an inability to do that, so he runs. Then he often comes back when the fear subsides and he realizes he wants to be with her; then runs again because he's back in the same situation that frightened him before. Rinse. Repeat.
So much of what Michelle said is true: They can smell from thousands of miles away that you are getting over them, and that's when they want you back. How do you stop letting him back in? I know how hard that is because, as much as your head knows he's got issues, your heart wants to believe that he's ready to change, and maybe something will be different this time.
Just remember, true commitment phobes are acting off limbic reactions -- hardwired responses that can't be changed simply because they love you and want you. It can take years of therapy, and even then, it might not change. For example, therapy may help a claustrophobic learn to ride an elevator for a few minutes, but it's probably not going to convince him to live in a small room for the rest of his life.
So the question for us as ladies who fall in love with commitment phobes isn't so much, "Will it be different if I let him back in?" The question is, "Can I be ok with an inconsistent relationship and with always worrying if and when the rug is going to be pulled out from under me again?"
For me, that kind of relationship was crazy-making. It created a weird, addiction-like dynamic. It made me question myself and my actions and blame myself, and that's not how I want to live.
Instead, I try to focus on what I want and know a good relationship can feel like -- steady, secure, loving, building, growing. That is what we all deserve.
Good luck to Michelle and others. You are not alone.
Well Said!
One question I was hoping you could elaborate on... You said, "One thing that has made this tough for me is all the stories my male friends tell me about how they were commitment phobic until they met the right person. The difference is, those men fight through their fears because they want so badly to be with that person. The commitment phobe has an inability to do that, so he runs. Then he often comes back when the fear subsides and he realizes he wants to be with her; then runs again because he's back in the same situation that frightened him before. Rinse. Repeat."
How do you know which guy you are dealing with when you are in this situation??
The best way and effective way to find a way is to LOVE YOUR SELF FIRST MICHELLE I strongly believe that if a man loves you so much he gives the best for you.A best of what? a best what you really deserve when I'm reading your articles his age is not appropriate for his mindset I think he has many experienced in a relationship and I know it helps him to figure out what woman really deserve... Sister Michelle learn how to be selfish sometimes and love yourself first try to be cold at him because one day he realize that he's loosing a real diamond
Two things surface to the forefront of my mind in this thread. First, it boils down for all of us the truth that we found the wrong man to give our love to, who could not give it back. And that hurts more than any other issues we had with him. Because that is or was the bottom line. We gave our love and it meant as much to him as yesterday's garbage. But when you really reach deep inside and think about it, you realize that this man is simply not deserving of your love, that amazing selfless energy you provide straight from your heart. And that brings me to number two: until you find and understand that truth, and take back that energy, turn it around, and give it to yourself instead, your inner light will not be bright enough to attract the right man, who will be able and capable of returning that real love. You have got to work hard to take it back and give to yourself, but the truth is it works. It really works. It's human nature and the law of attraction. Make that light shine! Just do it and refuse to take your thoughts to anything but building back up from the inside out.
Greetings Brenda. I love the HOT FIRE in your voice. Thank you for your Positive Word Sounds. Being true to thyself is the best love of all. Peace & Blessings
Peaceful blessings to you Michelle. Give Thanks For The Breath Of Your Life. Stand Up And Say I LOVE ME AND I ONLY WANT THE BEST FOR ME. Everytime you feel sad. Chant the Pslans.. I spoil myself. I tell myself everyday I Am Such A Beautiful woman. I am loved I am Cherished by ME. I am sending this gift of LOVE to you. You are worthy of true love. You can do this. You know You Can!!!
Hi Michelle
I am in a similiar sitution than you and all I can say to you is let him go his not worth the heartache that you are going through......you deserve better.. You need to love yourself first in order take back your power back.
God bless and take care!!!!!!
Love
Doreen
It continues to amaze how so many if us seem to share the same story. While I was living it, I had no idea this was so common. I've commented on topics similar to this in the past and am so thankful that Jane continues to highlight this specific subject. We can all learn from each other. I too was involved with a person like this for about 4 years. His MO is to be a jerk (and I mean some unbelievably cruel texts that would leave me speechless). These typically came just as we were getting so close that he would be in a position to have to commit. After attacking, he would be gone for about 5-6 months and then would reach out. I fell for it three times over...the last time was the very last straw. It became a matter of hanging onto my own self respect and finally figuring out why I continued to love men who needed "fixing". I also have two daughters in their twenties and knew I needed for them to understand how that type of relationship is unhealthy and often codependent (previous to this I had been married to an alcoholic for 23 yrs). I took time to educate myself. A couple of books I highly recommend are "Men Who Can't Love" and "Codependent No More" (By the way I also saved the last few hateful texts to remind me how bad it was at times when I was missing him or just not feeling very strong) I also realized my need to get him to love me stemmed from my relationship with my father. The good news I want to share is if you take some time to learn about yourself, become happy with who you are and love yourself completely, you will find the strength and confidence to say no to men like this. And Jane is absolutely right...once you get to that place with yourself you open the door for the right kind of men. Men who want to do all the right things and love you just the way you are. There is a silver lining. I found it in a wonderful man who I've been dating for approx 4 months. He's all the things I ever hoped for and imagined in a mature and healthy adult relationship. I often wake up and wonder if today will be the day it all falls apart (isn't that what's supposed to happen?), but it just gets better. Believe me, I know how horribly hard it is to walk away, especially when you've stuck it out with one person for so long and perhaps believe they are the love of your life. And facing yourself and taking the time to heal yourself can also be frustrating. But we have the rest of our lives and we owe it to ourselves to be as happy as possible. I'm now so thankful that I took the time for myself....the freedom I feel leaving all of that stress behind coupled with the crazy joy I'm feeling with this new man make it all worth it. And by the way, just this week I got a text from the jerk. I won't lie, it threw me for a minute. And then I hit delete.
Good luck to all the amazing woman going through this. Believe me...if I found the strength to change and grow, so can you!
Thank you for adding so much to this conversation, Mari. When you've been there, you understand like no one else does!
I had to write because I've been through the same thing for the past 2 years (& in a 12 year marriage prior to
rhat).
Recognizing that the comfort, security, & love we feel for these types of men ia simply because of
something we didnt receive as a child - is critical.
I used to hear "daddy issues", "you'll marry someone like your father" etc &
I thought that was crazy. It has proven to be so true for me as well.
I still struggle w want in him but I'm keeping my distance. Its ego...I want him
to love me back like I love him, to be shown...when actually he is just probably not capable
of it. I have this (subconscious) need to prove something to myself -that since
my dad was emotionally unavailable & would ignore me for days if he was
upset w me about something (which killed me as a kid). Ironic that the guy I
Fall hardest for? He disappears for days when he's upset. Same temperament as my Dad.
my point is -until we get VERY clear about what we want, need & DESERVE from
a relationship, we settle for what we are familiar with, what feels "right" or comfortable.
it only feels right because its what we are used to.
breaking through those old patterns....that is the challenge.
letting someone in that will truly love us unconditionally.
good luck & see him for who he is....a guy that will Continuously put himself 1st.
So true, so telling, K. Wise words from the thick of it. You've been there. Thank you.
I just returned from a two week trip with him - we have been engaged - the day we return ( live in seperate houses) he doesn’t ring or tell me when he is going to see be next ( he was off work for another week)
When I send him a message about emotional connection and schedule - he starts only sending text ( off course no phone call) he stated he had just a lot of money in the trip in me and I should be more appreciative-
I met up with him yesterday and sat in the car with him - I pressed him about having a schedule of when we will see each other and committment - he went phshyco - screamed at me while slapping the dashboard of the car - he was so mad he was spitting and his eyes went very glassy - even worse when I talked about emotional connection
I backed off but kept saying I don’t want to give you a schedule
Bla Bla
Stay as far away as you can get from shoulds and anger, Naomi. You're not his therapist.
Jane,
"You can't wait for him to release you. The releasing can only come from you"
What if he did the releasing first? I feel like a fool because although we were both playing the back and forth game for a month through text, he was the one who finally closed the door on me. He ignored my texts about seeing each other and I never heard from him again. He left me hanging which to me means he is done. I feel like it's a smack to my face especially not being the one to have had the upper hand to let him go FIRST before he completely did. I just feel like he won. I know it's not a win and lose game, but I do feel foolish that he shut the door before I did when honestly he didn't deserve me trying period to then diss me like that. I don't know how to deal with these feelings 🙁 feeling empty and powerless because I feel like he took it away by me being vulnerable trying one last time and getting the door slammed in my face despite my positive efforts 🙁
Don't go there, Darlene. Whether it was you or him, it doesn't matter in the bigger picture. What matters is you're free to be with someone who's right for you in the ways that matter to you! The first place we always go is that place where we beat ourselves up and treat ourselves so harshly.
You're not a fool and you're not powerless or foolish no matter how much it feels that way right now. It's only a smack in the face or a door slammed on you if you allow it to be, and it's no wonder these words come to you; there's no one who does the damage we do to our own selves.
Forgive yourself for being part of this game, Darlene. We all have our regrets, we all see things differently in the light of hindsight. But you're human, as we all are. We live and learn. And then we practice until we get it right, making sure someone is worthy of you. Let it be. The only way to deal with these feelings and move on from here is to accept them - and to accept yourself in the process.
Find that little girl inside you who wanted to win so badly, the one who doesn't want to lose and feels like she has to be perfect to be loved. Hold her, she's you. If you can't love yourself enough to let this go, do it for her. None of us can control or predict what someone else does or doesn't do; we can only control what we do to ourselves.
Jane,
Thank you again for your kind words and for giving me a reality check. You are absolutely right! It has to start with me and changing my thought process and accepting things for what they are. We all must learn to turn off those negative self talk mind comments. It's not him anymore, it is us who continue to inflict pain long even after he is gone. Yes I' miss him and I'll never forget the memories but I have to learn to love myself enough to accept what is and move forward. We have the answers laid out but the hardest part is acting on all the true information we are becoming aware of. All I can do is walk in faith and be at rest and assured that one day I will find a true love. Finally find someone who is on the same page with me. I am forever grateful for wonderful kind hearted people like you who share the experiences and realities that many of us forget or steer away from. Love your website and will continue to follow for such great inspiration. Healing, I'm learning, begins from withinn...
Always well said and amazing articles Jane 🙂
Love
Darlene
You're so very welcome, Darlene. I'm so glad you're discovering these truths for yourself and making them your own. That is always, always the hardest part! You're so not alone in this; we're all learning these new ways of thinking and seeing and believing all the time. It's when you realize this for yourself in the spirit of self-love and compassion for where you are on your own unique journey, that the reality of all of this becomes exactly that; real! 🙂
Hi Michelle! I just went through the same situation. I was outwardly very packaged and inwardly very insecure. I finally just closed the door-hardest thing I have ever done in my life... literally but it's been 6 weeks now and everyday is better and better. I have gone out a few times, regained my confidence, awareness of what I want and deserve and above all remembered my "boundaries". A man like that doesn't change and if you aren't "internally" content with the relationship, then you do deserve more and can definitely have it. I finally realized that I had to close that door before a new one can open. Some men are pros at saying exactly what we need to hear but the actions are what are important. Good luck! You can do it girlfriend!!!
I'm so glad to hear how well you're doing, Sheryl. Thanks so much for your words of support here for someone who's going through this, too!
Hello I'm going through the same thing myself with this guy. He constantly tells me that we aren't anything and goes days without saying a word to me. Then he just pops up acting like he misses me and wants to be here for me. This guy involves me in his house buying and tells me to come live with him. The other day he was back to being cold and I finally snapped! I said I'm done and need to move on. It's been 3 days without a word from him and I'm struggling. I find myself crying and being terribly upset and I don't know why? I feel like he cared more then this but obs doesn't! Why can't I accept this man doesn't care or love me. I know I have to move on but I can't let go. I need advice.
It's because it's always about our dreams, Lauren. It's never just about them. So when they leave, or go cold, or when we say those words that put an end to it only to want to take them back the minute they're out, it's because it's about our hopes and plans and dreams that we made in our own minds. We make them into something they're not in reality. We see what we want to see through our own lens because we want it to be so different. We see a potential that only we can see. Find your story, Lauren. Reread my advice for Michelle. Find it within you what's holding you here and keeping you with him like this. When you find that, you'll find your answers. It's never about what we think it is; it's always about us.
Try reading the book "He scared, she scared", it talks about how men and women who have commitment phobic tendencies and it did describe your situation.
Often times we project our own fantasies on our partner too soon before realizing that they are not capable on fulfilling our dreams (not even their own). It's important to slow down your pace and control your own fantasies when first meeting a new partner or dating relationship. Take your time to get to know that person and see if they can really meet our needs.
This is potentially setting oneself up for abuse. Love can be this powerful but at the risk of playing armchair psychologist, maybe this kind of unstable attachment is familiar. EMDR may help break the trauma bond that keeps a dangerous attraction like this going.
"...maybe this kind of unstable attachment is familiar." - Thanks for this, Jackie. It's never easy to break a habit of something that's been a part of us for so long.
Jane: Your advice is heartfelt. I feel as though we all have a kind sister. Your words should be offered to every young woman. For those of us who are still young at heart, you provide healing and wisdom from family we've missed. Thank you.
Thank you, Nina. I'm so glad you feel this way; this is exactly what I am! 🙂
I was in the exact situation with a noncommital man for over 7 years. However, he has dependant on me for the first 5 while trying to get his medical license reinstated. I hung there thru recovery and rehab and all of the job rejections and requirements of the medical board. His family has been close to me for over 20 years and he and I had been friends during that time as well. We ended up running into each other after we each got divorced. His family wouldn't let him stay with them after losing his license and constantly tell me I was the only reason he was now practicing medicine.
We are now brokenup because the last cussing was so bad that after he went to work I packed up all my stuff and left I was driving 2 hours to the house, he claims go have bought for both of us, twice a week as I did not quit my job when he relocated. The law firm I work for actually opened a satellite office there to accomodate me and to expand the firm. However, when I left that day they let
me let me come back to the main office to work full time. I had no intentions of coming back to him and still haven't as 2 days after we split I heard he was on match.com and in touch with previous girlfriend. The reasons he was cussing me so bad was I had suspisions he had smething going on with his office manager as I heard him make sexual innuendos to her which he claimed was my insecurities and I was delusional. Everytime I would bring up something he did with regard to her that was innappropriate he would cuss me out and tell me if I didn't change my attitude I could get the f.....out and take my f.....stuff with me. I could never prove anything but my instincts were so strong it would wake me from a dead sleep. He constantly asked me every weekend if I was leaving on Sun or Mon and if I talked to him anytime after I left he was always hateful until Wednesday when it was time for me to come back for the weekend and then he would be really sweet and charismatic. The majoritiy of the time he was so good to me and kind with all of the gifts, trips, dinners at the club, etc., etc. Now he wants us to get counseling; however he states I need it worse for my insecurities and he is sorry for "raising his voice" but I am the one with the delusional insecurities. His family has not contacted me as I guess they don't need me anymore either now that he is practicing. How can he possibly justify all of this...I am so humiliated with family, friends and co-workers. I am sure the only reason I hang is for what "could have been"...I am soo sad about it all and having such a hard time letting go...
it might help you to imagine that your daughter is going through this. what would you recommend her to do? what would you wish for your daughter? then take this path. my mother tongue is frenach. hope you can understand my words.
good luck
Love this approach, Madina; thank you!
It is sad, Annette. So many sad stories of what could have been, or what we think might still be. But we can change our own stories if we want to badly enough. We have to be willing, too. We have to see that sadness, accept it, and then ask ourselves what is the most loving action we can take for ourselves. It has to come from us. No one else knows you like you do. And you deserve to be loved in a loving way, in a way that respects you and accepts you and doesn't make you feel like there's something wrong with you. There's a reason you feel humiliated; it's your litmus test that something's not right here. But what you do with it is something that always up to you. It is never easy to let go of a dream, but when the reality of "what actually is" tells you something different from the fantasy that you're waiting for it to be, it's time to revisit that dream. It always takes two, Annette. Get help for yourself if you need to, but don't take on what isn't yours. You deserve to be loved for you!
Jane,
Thank you for your (always) heartfelt response to Michelle. And really, to many of us reading this post. I too, struggled in a very similar situation with someone who kept coming back into my life and I would immediately get my hopes up, thinking, "maybe this time" - over and over again. As I read your response, I tried to think - what was it that I was always trying to gain or feel, from letting this person back in. And now I know what it was, I just didn't realize until now that that was what continued to draw me in. You see, during these brief episodes he "appeared" to and made me feel like he loved me UNCONDITIONALLY. This was not something I felt in my childhood years and something I clearly yearned for. Also, when he loved me - he did it through his "acts of service" which shouts out my love language loud and clear. (If you haven't read the 5 Love Languages book, I highly recommend it. Anyways - so this is how he drew me in - or why I let myself be drawn to him. But it finally became clear to me that he was one messed up dude 🙂 (not that I don't have my issues) and one I needed to remove from my life. Michelle, if you're reading - you need to give him up cold turkey. Just decide to say no. He's your drug of choice, and I know - it's really, really hard. But make it be your choice. Don't let it be his. I hope this helps. And Jane, thank you so much for your advice. It is life changing.
Kim
Thanks for your beautiful insight here, Kim, and for sharing your story. You've been there! It helps so much to know we're not alone, that someone else has been there, too. In discovering your truth for yourself, you've uncovered so much more. And thank you for your kind words. 🙂
Thanks for you sharing! And thanks for the answer! As everything was written for me!
So glad this resonated with you, Isa! You're so not alone.
O Michelle
Only thing that comes to my mind is your obsessed with him
Because in your real life you are not satisfied!
When he comes you seem to come alive. The question is : what happend
That made you so addicted?
All addictions come from somewhere. It could be your history but I also could be
That you are bored in real life. And seeking for excitement and love.
You think , he is the only one who does bring this.
Because this was in my case , I missed a partner but also excitement and
Passion in my life. And for me it was also my childhood.
Cocktail of all these toxic ingredients, which my heart and mind
Drank of. And boy did I live and love like a drunk lady.
It was unhealthy.
So when my ex came I would "come Alive" ...
Now i see thats a loving and caring thing from me. But I would also become
Quick addicted and obsessed.
You see Michelle just tell the truth to yourself, who are you?
What kind of heart do you carry in this world?
Don't point your fingers to another human and say "why " and
"You owe me" .
Take the hard road, the rocky. Choose to take a look at Michelle.
It will open your heart and broaden your vision of life and love.
If a man comes, you will be more comfortable and more open!
Read Janes blogs and see the truth in it.
Truth will scare you and set you free !
Now I am dealing with myself for 2 years, I was mad.
"Where is the one"... But now I think no no.. I am going towards
A healing way and seeing things positive.
Why rush things.
So don't feel embarrassed or that you need to rush because of your age!
Be proud that you have come this far!
Bless you and Jane for taking your letter !
You've added so much to this conversation, Maris! Thank you for these questions, for sharing your own process, and for your insightful response. Exactly!
I FEEL LIKE I HAVE READ A BIT OF MY STORY FROM MICHELLE... 🙁
And you're not alone, Veronica; I hear from so many women who identify with her story and feel the same way. I hope it helps to know you're never alone in what you're going through.
I went through the very same thing for FOUR long years. Jane is right. It has to start and end inside yourself. You have to find the strength that's there deep down inside to tell yourself enough already and never look back. You deserve so much more. Dig deep and find it. I promise you it's there.
When you've been there, you understand so much more than anyone else can. Thank you for this, Brenda. When we look back and see just how long we can live like this, it's hard to believe we can measure it in years. I'm so glad you found your way out. It is there, for all of us.
Hello,
Jane is correct. I've visited my childhood and relationship with my father and found that it all starts there. I thought I had taken care of it....guess not. Time to make some return visits. 🙂
I so hear you, Susan. Go easy on yourself; I can speak from experience that it's one thing to know this with our heads and entirely another to put it into practice. Rewriting our self-talk and telling ourselves a new story is a process - and all part of our journey. Many return visits later, it finally sunk in; and so it will for you, too. 🙂
It's never too late to realize our false belief and turn around. God always give us second changes so you can redeem yourself. We often beat ourselves up by trusting or loving the wrong people in our lives but learning to shed off that shame is important. We might have drawn them in, but realizing it and having the courage to remove them in our lives is a prove of strength. It's not easy to disconnect with someone we once care about, but it's time to let them go when they couldn't do the same for us.
In experience, I have never once met a person that treats me poorly end us turning 180 to become nice to me. Also, months later I realize they will carry the same behavior to other people, it's rarely just apply to me. So don't make their bad behavior about your worth. Some people just can't help themselves by hurting others to lift themselves up.