Where is he? We wonder.
We've done our work, we say.
We've learned more than enough lessons and we’re finally starting to see the role we play in these relationships that aren't the ones we belong on and we’re learning to stop holding on so tight.
But when will he come along? You wonder.
Where is he? You come right out and ask.
You've kept your end of the bargain, is what you’re really saying, with the universe, with God, with whoever it is you’re bargaining with; now where’s your reward?
And there you are. Alone. And it hurts.
It doesn't seem fair. So much work, so many lessons, when is it going to be my turn? is the silent question never far from your lips.
Just move on. Let go.
“I've done that”, you say. But is it possible that, like me, not too long ago, you were expecting to move on to someone else and not to more of you, alone, like before? And is it this new expectation that’s bringing with it a whole other belief system with its own set of “shoulds” and assumptions and new stories that are simply replacing the old?
We think we move on to a who.
All too often we wait for someone better to come along before we take that leap. But it’s actually the reverse that’s true. You move on for yourself. You move on to a what before there becomes a who.
The what that you move on to is a life that’s waiting to be lived. Your life.
You move on to your dreams, your goals, your passions. You move on to your hobbies, your causes, your impossibles that become possibles. You move on to the amazing life you create for yourself!
I used to fight it. I’d stay in that bad relationship until something better came along so that I wouldn't have to be alone, so it would be easier to give up what little I was getting that seemed like so much at the time.
But it never quite worked that way. The ones who came along were all very much the same as the ones they replaced. Or they were the ones I should have been interested in, but they could never compare to my view of what I was giving up at the time.
The question of whether I was really better off alone would always set in.
I know you wonder that, too.
That it sometimes feels like you've been sold a bill of goods. That it wasn't supposed to be like this. That the right one was supposed to have come along by now.
And I know that you’re so tired of being alone. And going on that blind date. Or getting online “just in case”.
We all have it
If I could spend a day with you, I could tell you exactly what your particular “it” is. We all have one.
It’s the reason behind the reason. It’s what you can’t see because you've been doing it for so long even though you believe you've been doing it different every time.
If you didn't have one, if there was no real reason except that you’re not enough, or there’s something wrong with you, it would be just that simple. But there is one, and you are. Enough and perfect just the way you are, for someone who’s truly right for you. But without this thing that’s holding you back and keeping you where you are.
Find that what that you need to move on to. Peel away those layers some more to see who you really are. To discover what it is you really want, and why it’s so hard to find just that.
I've heard so many women who say they've done it all and tried everything and they know that there’s nothing more they can do to find “him”.
They’re just unlucky, they falsely believe. And so they’re spending all their time and energy fulfilling their own self-fulfilling prophecies. And yet, when I see who they’re choosing, when I see who they’re not choosing, it’s clear there’s some disconnect between who their story tells them they want and who their heart of hearts desires.
Are you the damsel in distress?
Are you the princess waiting to be rescued?
Are you the strong, grounded, responsible one who only wants what you can’t have?
Are you the girl who was never allowed to play and so there he is, the player?
Are you the one who’s still trying to prove herself to someone who only exists in your mind?
Is it the fairy tale you’re stuck in, or is it someone else’s reality that he has to be so much more than what he is?
Who’s doing the choosing for you? Your mother, your father, your sibling, or some other “them” that hold you to a certain type?
What about a different type? What about someone completely different from all the ones before? Have you really tried them all?
Go there. Dig around. See what you find.
And while you’re there, check out your belief system. What do you really believe about love behind the ready answers you give so well?
And while we’re peeling away those well-rehearsed answers, what about those things that stir your soul? What about those fascinations, those passions, those things that won’t be silenced, but have been for so long?
What about all those things you love to do that others who share your values, your interests would also be doing in the places you’d be doing them, too?
What about those random moments in that coffee shop with other connoisseurs, those cozy chairs in the book stores with other book lovers, those times volunteering with animals, children or causes where other like-minded individuals find each other?
What about the whole new world that’s opened up with online-dating? Could all those real-life couples we all know who found themselves through this medium - and would never have come across each other otherwise - really all be wrong?
So much to explore when you see yourself and your world for what it is; opportunities to live, to create, to build, and to grow.
A life without fear, without making it into “finding him” and instead making it about finding ourselves.
Because remember, it’s not about trying so hard. It’s about two people on the same page who want the same thing and are drawn to each other in the living of two lives.
It’s a life. And it only takes one.
You.
What about you? Have you gotten caught up in the trap of constantly searching for your Mr. Right? Tell us about it in the comments! We've all been through it, and we're here to help.
Jane,
Sometimes, I have fantasies of going to a bridal store, and seeing all of these bride dresses, and veils, I start to feel sad because there is no guy that will ever ask for marriage. I even start crying and going to the restroom to have enough time to walk fast to the door, and close the stall, and start crying my eyes out. I am 17, and I start feeling that I am worthless, and "cheap goods" no guy could ever want. I know that I'm young with years ahead, but I just feel that no man will ever want me. Men will only want a woman that's thin, great smile, good hair, someone who's happy, and loves her as much as she loves him. I could never be that kind of woman or fit into any guy's heart. Maybe it's my weight, or the fact that I'm young at heart. Men seem to want women that are mature, but for me being young at heart, I know i'll never fit that role. What should I do? Please help.
Yes, you will, Desiree. When the time is right and you're with the right person - who you've taken your time to get to know - who's truly compatible with you in all the ways that matter for the long term, you will absolutely fit that role!
This is completely the story of my life. Ugh.
Jane, this is magnificent. Thank you! Devi
So glad you enjoyed this one, Devi; you're so very welcome!
Yes. This is the crux of the matter, Jane. I cried as I began your article this morning because this is exactly where we land as we begin to ask the hard questions of ourselves and to make the very, very hard choices that we know are the good choices. I recently experienced making a difficult decision to go and be with my volunteer group instead of sitting and waiting for 'him' to come back from the emotionally unavailable depressive/rage place he goes. It was such a hard thing to do and I had to pray my way through it and then just throw myself into the car and go. I knew what the old choice would bring...more self-hate and humiliation. The new choice brought such joy and filled me with so much gratitude. I did not find Mr. Right but I chose me. And in this interim....this changing time....I do feel insecure and sad and there are tears. There is a grieving....a sense of loss for the old dreams....the old patterns...like old friends. How odd that we must grieve the letting go of the very things that stand in the way of our true happiness and fulfillment. I am grateful to be on this path. I am grateful to not have to continue to go around and around in the horrible rut of that past story.
I can see it Deborah. You sound a lot like me now.
IT helps me to see that change is happening and it is for the good.
Even if I or you have to let go and make a new story.
If it can be helpfull, your not the only one. I am too at times.
But let's face our faces towards the truth and growth.
Let's look back , but not feel regret or pain. Letting go we must if we
Want to be happy tomorrow and the future!
Bless you!
How odd, indeed, Deborah, and how very much a testament to how far we can go fron our earliest, knowingest selves that understood all this before we even knew there was any other way of thinking. Keep "throwing yourself in the car". Keep choosing you every single time you're at a crossroads. This learning and reprogramming our old conditioning and ways of thinking takes time but is so worth it because you're so worth it!
Articles are getting deeper I see. Very good article.
I am peeling away my layers of my past & how I was raised.
I see now that this had much influence in my love life.
I see and feel that I missed a save haven & love, love from the heart.
And immediately when a man loved me or I thought he did , I would
Be like a magnet towards him.
I've made an appointment with a therapist to help me with this.
Now I miss the physical activity like kissing and making s##.
I am more open to this. Why?
Because i don't have to open my heart and show my weak spots.
I guess this is safe. That's why it's attractive & I am human.
I am trying now to create a new story, and i feel i deserve all the attention.
And only I can give myself it. So I have accepted that I am going to focus on this.
In meanwhile I am staying open of meeting new people and men.
I am more comfortable like this. Instead of "being obsessed" where is the Mr.Right!? Panic!
I am more in the Zone "I would love to meet and make fun with a man" ...
I did internet dating now 3 months & have no "match".
Instead going to the victim role or panic, I just accept that for some good reason
I haven't met him. Should I give up or blame the world.
No! I am to busy dealing with myself and it's ok!
If it's fun and I feel like I am exploring, I will continue on line dating!
I deserve a little fun!
I hope I can create my own story/life in a positive way. I see I have to get more active
In searching of new activities and maybe Hobby.
It's all in my mind & my actions.
They say God gives you what you can handle. I guess I am accepting that
& seeing the beauty in this all. Instead of rushing & feeling insecure.
I am very proud of myself , it took me bloody 2 years 🙂
To think like this:
I go naked( even though I am overweight and loosing weight) in front of a big mirror and put some coconut oil on me & say
The most cute and loving words towards myself.
And I bet ya he is going to love it too ( I don know yet who he is)
Or else he can move on!
Thanks Jane !
Bless you , you inspire me!
I'm hearing you, Maris; your beautiful, strong, confident voice is coming shining through, inside and out - and it's telling! We're all far from any one-size-does-not-fit-all kind of perfect that we've bought into for far too long; it's that beautiful woman you see in the mirror that reminds you of what beautiful truly is to someone who's truly right for you. I'll more than bet he will, too! 🙂
Life may be a little easier if women asked themselves why they feel they "need to find mr. right". Why not get to know who you are and what you like to do and just do that. Love cannot be forced. Many times women spend time with people we know we should not be with just to keep from being alone. Without the right mindset you suck the life out of a relationship because you make "him" your life instead. At that point you become too needy. Do as Jane suggests. Get involved, do something you like to do. Love will find you while you are being your wonderful self.
Beautifully said, Carolyn.
I've always fallen into this trap. when this guy ended the friendship in Feb I stopped giving him FB friend request, my friend has a lot of male friends who are taken n she told me the guy that ended the friendship with me told me that he was on a healthy food kick, since Feb this guy has been In the back of my mind, I keep dreaming he will come around n had dreams where he would bump into me on the streets, he's always in my dreams, I 1x dreamt he added me back on FB n gave me a msg on my birthday n adding me as a friend as part of the gift
When I get FB friend request from someone my gut feeling & mind says it's him that added me which would put a smile on my face. I'm giving him space between Feb - his birthday. I'm thinking of adding him as a friend on his birthday giving him a msg. FB had changed the friend request settings where (name) could 1. accept the request or 2.delete request & mark as spam (which means that person can't send u anymore friend request. I don't want him to mark me as spam. I dream he adds me n I accept him n same thing but reverse. I haven't added him as a friend yet in past few months n idk if I should with the new friend request settings
When I saw him 19 Jan 2014 I saw his car n I wrote the colour n number plate in my notepad on my cell phone. idk if that's a good idea or not.
I recently got a new phone n i put this guys number 1st in my new cell phone.
1 of my friends told me that there was this guy who used to go to college n is 1 year younger than me n i tell her i don't want him & that i prefer men between 26- 30 & lives 2-3 hours away from me whereas the guy that ended with me he only lives 45mins away from me. my heart says to me if i leave him alone whilst his on his 12 week diet which he started 30 mar 14 maybe he might give me a msg on FB n add me as a friend as part of the reward at the end of his diet. i dreamt it up last nite n he said in the dream "hey thank u for not hassling me on FB, i just finished a 12 week diet and i would like to give our friendship a 2nd chance, here's my number" n i said to him in my dream "thank u so much that put a smile on my face, I'm happy u chose to give our friendship a 2nd chance n I've been healthy as well n my friend keeps asking me if I've heard from U"
i really need to find mr right, i travel on trains n buses n walk. when i see a guy who's my type he's taken.
I'm a fairy tale land dreaming he will come around. i will keep his number for reference. my best friend says I'm a cool chick n haven't done anything wrong, this guy in my dreams who ended the friendship in real life he was the 1 who told the truth & gave a specific answer & he was very caring.
I'm too scared to go to his FB profile or txt him on my new phone.
You are a cool chick and you haven't done anything wrong, Courtney! But could it be that your type - the kind you see who's already taken - isn't really your type after all? Reality when it's the real thing, is going to be so much better than your dreams. Get involved with the activities and groups and clubs and things you're interested in, Courtney, do the things you want to do and go to places you want to go to that you're genuinely interested in and you'll find that the people you meet won't just be the random type you bump into on the street believing that like the movies would have us believe, are going to be "the one". That can happen, but more likely, the real thing will be someone you get to know over time, who you have much in common with, who you discover over time is on the same page as you, who wants the same thing you do, and is willing to do what it takes to make that happen. You deserve nothing less than that - a real relationship with someone who's truly compatible with you!
Dear Jane,
I somehow found your website this week and its been an absolute God send - thank you 🙂 I've just broken up with my 5 year long boyfriend - we were at the stage where I thought a proposal and children were just around the corner however after many fights in the one week, I realised that I was pushing dirt up a very steep hill!!!
This article is so fantastic because you completely 100% understand what its like to have loved and lost. Before I met him, I was single for a long time but what's really interesting is when I FINALLY learnt this life lesson that's when I met him. I remember being so blissfully happy with my life and excited about all the new opportunities I had in front of me. Then I met him and for some reason those blissful moments didn't continue until 5 years later I find myself in the same situation that I was in 5 years ago!! This time I am much more wiser though. I understand that it's not a partner who will make me happy, its not a beautiful house or the prospect of becoming a mother. Its in the actual LIVING of your life that i was missing out on. i've been putting my life on hold for him and my desires to be married and have children however I really feel like I've been in this holding pattern and have forgot to live and do what makes me happy. Your article is SO spot on and i urge everyone to keep believing and living life because we just don't know when our time is up and then it will all be too late.
You're so welcome, Sarah; and welcome! I'm so glad you're here and seeing these realities for yourself. Be so proud of yourself for seeing this - no matter how long it may have taken. What matter is that you do - and you do - you've got this!
An excellent article. I am much older than all of you and have finally found the person for the rest of my life.
Your article is very true and to the point about what we women do. I hope all of your followers read this and take it to heart.
Besides containing so much mindful information, it is written beautifully and with passion.
I enjoy every article because I find bits of me.
Thank you so very much for your kind words, Felice. I'm thrilled for you and am so glad you're enjoying these!
Felice, It is good to know that someone older can benefit from this process. I am older as well...and have just begun to ask the hard questions. The answers come with a lot of tears....good, cleansing tears....not self-pity. I believe that the one thing that has kept me stuck is that I am too old....that 'It' has all passed me by and I have missed the boat. I get so angry with myself for not being able to 'get' all of this sooner. I know that we all have to walk our path and that we do the best that we can along the way with the tools that we have. It seems that this is my time for these tools. I am so grateful to be here in good company.