We make this so much more complicated than it needs to be.
We look for every possible reason why someone won’t commit to us. Why he just doesn't want a committed relationship.
We search high and low within his background, his history to figure this out.
Why won’t he commit? What is it about commitment that makes him so afraid of it?
Why can’t he see the potential that you see so clearly?
And in this search that takes on a life of its own until it becomes our very lives, you linger the longest in the places where you come in.
What is wrong with me? you wonder. And you pick yourself apart.
What do I need to do to get him back to where he was? And you try anything and everything.
What about this is loving?
I ask you.
What about this is love? Nothing.
Unless it’s a distorted version that you've come to believe is love. But it’s not.
And yet you continue to do this to yourself time and time again.
It’s time to free yourself.
With the knowledge that there’s only one reason he’s not making a commitment to you; it’s because he doesn't want to.
He doesn't want to be saved. He doesn't want to be rescued. He doesn't want to be changed. He doesn't want you to make him your project – or your responsibility.
He wants to be free to be who he is.
And right now, this is who he is. And he’s quite happy being this way.
This reality check is what frees you - but only if you allow it to. Because the reality is, it’s not about you. He’s going to do what he’s going to do.
But what you do have everything to say about is where you go from here. It’s not about you, so let yourself be freed. Freed from trying to make it about you. Freed from believing you can do something to bring him around, to change his mind, to help him see the light.
You’re free to be you with your own valid needs and desires. And he’s free to be who he is. It’s not personal; it never is, no matter how much you want to make it be.
When you tell him you’re done and all he says is “OK” ... this is your reality check.
He’s not there.
When you ask him why and he says he doesn't know … this is your reality check. The reason never matters.
When you try every trick in the book to try to turn this around and it doesn't work … this is your reality check. He doesn't want to be turned around.
This is where he’s at, this is what he’s comfortable with, and now it's your move.
No more trying to squeeze water from stones, my beautiful friend. Leave it right there where it wants to be - doing exactly what it wants to be doing - and go live your own beautiful life.
Just watch what shows up when you stop trying to change what doesn't want to be changed!
Hi,
Ive been with my boyfriend for two years now...a couple weeks ago he told me all of a sudden he need some time to sort things out in his life which came as a shock to me because we had just started making plans about our future...but i decided to give him the time. During that time i found out that he cheated on me ..i asked him about out it..he admitted that he made a mistake and said he was sorry and that he wanted to fix things and make things right. I forgave him and decided to give him another chance. i asked him if he really loves me and he says he does...but he just needs time. i haven't seen him since then...he still keeps in touch and still says he just needs time to sort things out...im confused !
i have a friend who experienced this kind of situation...he really loved that guy, where all of her life is with that guy, she spent more of her time to be as happy as she can, until one day...that guy gone., as in he decided to go away and never been contacted...my friend was so upset...all i have to do is to help my friend moved on, and of all the experienced she had when she already moved on we heard that the man who ruin her life had another victim...and we just pray that this guy will received his big day someday...all bad things he has done to every women he made them cry...i hope he can find happiness on his life...good luck to him...
Have been enjoying your blog and the comments Have been with my boyfriend for three yrs in early january he told me he had no time to focus and dedicate to a rshp .He said he is sorry its a race he cant win.i was really disappointed and heartbroken coz it came out of the blue. I had tried to make this rshp work,he had cheated on me at some point but i had forgiven him .After the breakup i felt so used,my self esteem went down. Have maintaned the No contact all this time. Its been hard to move on feels like i gave my all only to be crushed.
i'm so glad you're here, Lilz, and finding some support. You're so not alone! Know that none of what he's expressing is about you; it's only about him. A relationship is a two-way street with equal give and take. It doesn't matter how much you give someone, if he's not there on the same page as you are, it doesn't matter, it's not about you.
Try not to take this personally. It's never the rejection we take it as. You did the best you could with what you knew, so don't be so hard on yourself or take on what isn't yours. It's never complicated unless you're not compatible.
Now you have all your time and energy to focus on you, Lilz, on creating the life you want for yourself. You have so much to offer someone who is looking for who you are and what you're looking for, too. If you can come to see these reality checks along the way for what they are - incompatibility - instead of making them all about what you believe you're not, you put everything back into its proper place and allow yourself to be truly free. You deserve nothing less than this.
Thank you Jane.
After reading your reply, I don't think that I will break the silence and message him. I did reread my last text to him and I did say I'd leave him to 'decide' what he wants with his life, it's just that it's not fair of him to use me during this process, thus, he should agree that we need to stay apart until he makes a decision either way. If I don't hear back I have to assume that I wasn't his choice which is heartbreaking,however, I feel like this route will be easier on me than breaking the silence and being ignored or rejected even more so. Does that make sense??
I had some gfs over today as I've not seen them for six months and they wanted me to update them on everything with him. It was great to have them over as I live them, but hearing them say that he never lived me and obviously loves the other woman more has left me anxious and hollow, and I'm now left pondering all sorts of things.
I do want to move on and feel better. I just feel such a void without communicating with him as I talked to him about everything. On the other hand, he hasn't treated me well and I should really be disliking him right now. I'm so down.
Thank you Jane. Your advice these past few days is the only thing that's bringing me comfort and I look forward to your words of wisdom. Thanks for helping me. I'll try to make this my last question message. Sorry x
You feel that void, but he doesn't. There's nothing there if you're the only one feeling it, AB. Listen to your friends; they can see things that you can't when you're in it so emotionally as you are.
When you're out of this, you'll see this so clearly for yourself, too. We always do. But when you're in it - I know firsthand - it's the last thing you want to believe. Keep reminding yourself of what you do know - and how you want to be loved!
If you haven't already read my post about making the emotional/logical heart/head connection, check it out.
And I'm always here for you; no need to ever apologize!!
Thank you so much Jane for your words of encouragement and wisdom. I am taking your advice and guidance on board and am trying my hardest to concentrate on myself. It is so difficult for me to do as I an so sensitive and find becoming reclusive is the route I normally take when I'm hurting. Today is day 6, and I did get out for a little today. I'm trying to not beat myself up regarding the last text convo we had. I did feel quite strong saying that I'm giving him his time to decide what he wants and that we need to be apart while he decides, and that I'm sure he agrees with that. He never responded to that last message and besides him just wishing me a happy Easter last Sunday, I've heard nothing. I keep replaying that convo in my head. Was I too harsh? Should I have maybe be a time window on it? He never even agreed that this was the route to go while he decides. I feel everyday I'm left wondering. I don't want to feel like an idiot and message him asking did he think that was a reasonable request for his undeciciveness. I do just sit and wonder a few times a day. Suppose I don't ever hear from him again and never know what he really thinks? I'm a really open person and like to communicate so I'm finding this hard. Me breaking the silence is almost like giving him the little bit of power I feel I have right now.
Thank you jane so much for your help and you quick responses. It's so comforting during these times of feeling out of sorts. I do so look forward to hearing from you again x
Don't replay it, AB; you're only torturing yourself by doing so! It's never about the details that you think will make or break what happens next. What you said or didn't say, or could have said or done differently, or could have been more specific about - none of that matters in the bigger picture of what page he's on and what page you're on and whether the two of you are truly compatible, of whether you both want the same thing with each other and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
Know that this isn't about playing games, it's not about being something you're not if you're not there yet. If you have to break the silence to get your sense of peace and calm back; if you have to reach out to him to get your "you" back and this is how you live with yourself and leave yourself with the least amount of regrets, then know that is always an option. Your power is all yours and you get to choose what you do with it. Just don't set yourself up for any type of response because you can only control what you do; he's going to do, and respond, and be who he is and what works for him.
If you don't hear from him again, then you will see so clearly the reality of where he's at and where you're not and where you don't want to be if it's not really you! You can't mess this up with someone who's truly right for you, AB; no matter how much you want to take this on and make it yours, it's not personal, it's not about you. It has everything to do with him so leave it with him and don't take this on your beautiful, open, giving, loving, communicating self - I so understand this, when you're that type of person. It's ok; there's someone for our types, too. 🙂
Hi Jane,
Forgot to say that I'm on day 4 of no contact today. I'm questioning everything! I think because I'm so stuck in that I need an outside voice to shed some light on this situation that I feel is all my fault. I just want to feel empowered again. I did for two days and now the anxiety is creeping back in. I'm not sure if I'm in control of this situation or not. Please help x
Don't think of it as "Day 4 no contact today", AB, look at it as Day 4 of the beginning of your new life; the new you! If he's truly right for you, you'll be the first to know because there will no lies, no cheating, no wondering, no emotional rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows, just him and you and no other women in the picture. The anxiety is that old familiar place where we always go only because we don't have the confidence to know without a doubt that we can stand up for ourselves, that we can say what we want and refuse to settle for anything less than we know we deserve.
You are always in control of your situation, AB! Forgive yourself; it always takes two to make or break a relationship and blaming yourself or beating yourself up is the worst thing you can do to yourself. You're free! Free to be loved for who you are! Tomorrow is day 5 of the new you; plan something special just for you because you are the beautiful woman you are who can never be too much or not enough of anything for someone who is truly right for you!
Hi Im in a relationship for 7 years on and off all the time he said he loves me , He is 49 and never married , he said he is afraid of commitment. Every time I live him he call me or text me after 2 or 3 wks saying im number 1, but he cant figure it out what he wants in life some times he want to have kids , other times he doent like kids, I left him several times but he always convince me to get back , I fell miserable with out him, and not happy with the relationship we have. Im 54 yrs old I have 2 kids already , I don't want to adopt and start all over not at my age,
But so afraid of leaving him, I work out im in a great shape, I always find some one who wants to go out with me , but I cant I always compare them to him.
If you can dig down to get to the root of what you're most afraid of, Amanda, I think you'll find your answers. It sounds like you're going back to him and feeling miserable without him not so much because of him and what he offers you but because of your own fear. Can you give yourself some time and space to really find out what kind of a life you can create for yourself without him? You know how to do this - and since you can always find someone who wants to go out with you, it sounds like you just need to give someone else a chance to be themselves with you without you comparing them to him. What does he really offer you other than some security of the familiar? What do the two of you really have in common when it comes to the things that really matter - like commitment and knowing what you want and it's each other?
It sounds like you're the one with so much potential, Amanda, if you can only believe this and see it for yourself. Of course he doesn't want to let you go and keeps coming back to convince you to go back to him - he knows what he's got with you! But you, my beautiful friend, you're the prize here, you're the one doing the choosing! When you figure out what you're really afraid of losing with someone who you don't even have in the first place, I think you'll see that he's the one who doesn't compare to the reality of what you could be living with someone else who is there, who does know what he wants and knows that what he wants is you!
Hi Jane and subscribers,
I hope to get a little insight and maybe some encouragement as I'm finding things quite
difficult at the moment. I was dating a man who I thought was so amazing in ways of being
sensitive, compassionate, loving, caring, adventurous, everything that did fit what I was looking
for. As he was going through a divorce, the first ten months were spent quite discreetly with us only
doing things together and not getting out much, never socializing with others. It's not exactly how I
always wanted to spend all of our time, but respected his decision to remain on the down low as to not
rock the boat during his divorce. In August, out of the blue he asks for space. I was taken aback, but did my best
to give him what he asked for. I don't have kids, but his kids were coming to visit and I was so looking forward to meeting them. I didn't get to though. The end of August, he says he can't be in a relationship, I was devastated as I was to move in with him in October and we had many future plans. Anyway, we ended up being on and off over Sept with him one moment wanting to do everything we planned and the next not returning texts or calls. On Oct 13th, I showed up at 'our appt' with all of my things and he wouldn't let me move in. He said again that he didn't want to be in a relationship. As devastated as I was I told him that I was relieved that I wouldn't have to deal with his commitment issues and all of the anxiety and emotions that come up with that. I left and planned to travel to AUS in the next 5 days to get away from him, home and all the bad feelings. By the day I left, he was crying, begging, saying
he needed me to be in his life and that he'd meet me in NZ before New Years so we could start a life together. I believed him and agreed that's what we'd do. I found a home, a car and waited. After a month of me waiting communication came and the commitment problems started to resurface. Long story short. He never came, and instead booked a flight home to the UK to see his kids.........and the other gf!!!! That's right, he's had a long term friendship with a woman that became his gf. Heartbroken I confronted him on stupid skype and he said he didn't know who and what he wanted. I told him have her, I was disgusted! Worse New Years ever!! Two weeks later when he gets back home to our island, I get a text about something random. He ends up coming clean, apologizing saying he ended it with her, he was wrong. I took him back! We planned for him to meet me in the US in April for my bday. We excitedly planned an amazing trip before I'd return home with him. He never came. No happy bday. Nothing! He got on a plane and flew home to the UK to see her and her kids and his kids. They went on a family vacation. Anyway, I never contacted him again. I flew back home last tues nite. On wed nite I get a text at almost midnight. He must of flew in on wed nite. The message was 'fghgfhhtggfftgghhgg' and then 'sorry, I accidentally butt texted u.' I know that was a lid and he was testing the waters . I didn't respond . It was 14 days NC at this point. On thurs and Good Friday he text me constantly saying how he knows one day we will be together properly one day, but he has to decide what he wants. He said he hadn't committed to the other gf either. Listened to him and what he had to say. He showed up at my hsesit on fri night, he ate, we ended up having sex and he left. I'm disgusted with myself. He never messaged to say thank u later that nite. I messaged him on Sat and said that I can no longer see him and deal with all of his non committal ignorance. I told him I can't be friends either. I said that I'm not the one for him and he should work it out and be with her as I want everything and not just scraps, that I deserve more than to be just used for sex. All he said was 'I loved last night. You looked lovely, but I have to be realistic in what I want in my life.' After I told him to go be with her because I can't do this any longer he just said 'ur so so wrong.' Other than him texting 'happy Easter' on Sunday, that's it, I've heard nothing back. My says he will but I must stay strong. My mind has been so messed with during all of the on/off again, cheating, etc and I know that it sounds ridiculous in even thinking about giving him any other chances. I felt strong telling him to go be with her, but now reality is setting in and I feel as if I've lost all of my power again. The emotional consequences of this committed/no committed man has just torn me down. I'd appreciate any insight from anyone. Sorry this is long, but feels nice to talk about it as I'm alone in a big house. Take care everyone x
And it's that reality that comes, after you've done and said what you know in your heart is the absolute best thing you can do for you, that always catches you off guard. Don't go there, AB! Take back every single piece of your own power that is yours and yours alone, and don't let it go!
There is such a huge pull to go back to that state of "maybe" "could still be" what if" that plays into our triggers every time. You've seen what he has to offer you, you've witnessed time and time again where he's at and what he's not capable of, and the only question left for you is what are you getting out of this? Why the pull, why the trigger, what does he have that you so want in your life that you're willing to take that beautiful little girl inside of you and put her through this rollercoaster over and over again?
Find it in you, AB! You're not here to accept whatever crumbs someone is willing to throw at you. You're not here to convince anyone of your worth or prove yourself lovable by convincing someone who isn't capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved to love you. Love isn't meant to tear you down and take away your beautiful power.
Start from where you are right now, without second guessing or wondering what might have been if you had said or done something differently and begin again doing what you want to do, being with people who love and adore you, and build yourself back up from there. There is so much more waiting for you when you let go of the familiar and take a chance on you!
After I read this I cried. Boy did you hit home for me Jane! I just ended a year long relationship with a guy I really thought wanted a future together and to mesh our lives but at the end of the day he didn't . He led me to believe it but things were not progressing the way they should. When I finally confronted him I found that he is way too damaged from his divorce, never wants to marry again and wants to keep out lives with our kids seperate from our relationship. Well I want more so I left . Very sad and very hard to let go because I really live him but my desire to have a unit and family again is everything to me and Im not letting go of that hope to find that again with someone who wants that too and won't run from it but will celebrate and cherish it. ...D
"Very sad and very hard to let go because I really love him but my desire to have a unit and family again is everything to me, and I'm not letting go of that hope to find that again with someone who wants that too and won't run from it but will celebrate and cherish it" - Love this, D! Your strength, your confidence comes through here so beautifully, as you choose you instead of settling for someone who isn't on your page, who doesn't want the same thing you do.
It's never easy to do what you did, D, but when you do, you free yourself to be with someone who is, who can, who will, who wants to! There's no comparison to what that future looks like with someone like this, hold onto that hope, hold strong to the beautiful woman you are with so much to offer and so much love to give someone who's truly compatible with you in the ways that really matter!
I just got out of a long relationship where everything was perfect for the first 9 months of living together. We bought a house and moved in together. We talked about marriage. Our kids were best friends and they got along perfectly. Our kids were smitten with each of us and we quickly felt like a family. We were the model for the blended family. We had the best year, did many fun and amazing things together. Vacationed, played with our house to make it a home, met each others family, had backyard BBQ's. The sex was amazing, the conversation was endless, there was no end in sight. Until he started to be inconsiderate of anyone's needs but his own. At least I started to notice it, because for a while we were both in the stage of best friends living together. But I didn't want that forever. I actually didn't want marriage at first until he talked me into it. I was wondering when he was going to pop the question already. Christmas went by. Then Valentines Day. Then he went out one day and bought him and his 2 teenage kids new cell phones. When he came home I was like, uh...I thought we were going to get a plan together? To save household expenses? We talked about this. Why didn't you call me when you were making this decision? My teen daughter is confused why she didn't get a new phone too. Whats going on here? Eventually it came out that he wasn't as prepared to share his life as he had thought. He was happy with the situation with me paying half the mortgage and having my things separate from his. He didn't want to have to consider me and my daughter when he made decisions for him and his kids. I realized we were on totally different pages, reading from entirely different life manuals. I had to decide what was best for me and my daughter. We were both born again Christians. I went to the church to ask for advise. The Pastor told me to read a chapter from the bible a day and to pray about it. For the last month we were together, I noticed how selfish my boyfriend was. I noticed I had been acting like a wife and he was acting like a roommate. We finally had the conversation of what direction this was all going. He didn't want change. The best advantage to him was the convenient sex, which we both really enjoyed. I decided the direction I needed to go was to follow Gods book and be on HIS page. My boyfriend willingly helped to move me out just a block away so we could still see each other and date. Besides our kids were best friends, they went to the same school, we go to the same church, work out at the same gym, shop at the same store, and his ex-wife and I were really good friends. Its a small town so its inevitable that we will see each other. I thought he was willing to work on our relationship, but 3 days after I moved out, he took our relationship off of FB and a day later de-friended me. I was shocked. He hadn't responded to my text messages or phone calls. I had to find out what was going on so I drove by his house that Saturday to see if we could have coffee and talk. He said he did not know why he was this way. He just wants a live in girlfriend. That was it. He was disappointed I wouldn't have been happy with that. He also said he did this to one other girl that attends our church. He broke up with her because she had cancer. I realize not every man is whole enough to be the loving committed man a real woman needs. It's only been a couple of months now since the breakup. He continues to act like he doesn't know me, turns around and goes the apposite direction if he sees me. I'm always nice and I smile and continue confidently in what I am doing. I serve with the Youth Ministries at the church now! I have been able to do some amazing outreach projects with the Pastors. I started the churches singles group called Singles with a Heart for Service and I joined up with 5 other churches outside our small town to do volunteer service with other singles serving Christ. We've had several really great projects and I am now communicating with 3 different men who are Godly faithful leaders in the church. It has helped me to be more whole. I am down to 134lbs, my long hair is now red and beautiful (which was always my ex-boyfriends preferred choice in color). I have been just focusing on my service to God, my daughter, and my health. I was given a raise at my work. I had a family member pass away which was unfortunate and sad but I inherited a bunch of money. I started back up in college. I do Yoga twice a week. I have never felt better! In my next relationship, I will know the signs of a healthy man. He has to love his career, his family, and his friends and they all have to be good and wholesome as well. My ex boyfriend was miserable in all 3 of those areas, which should have been a red flag. I've steered clear of the men who obviously are just into wanting sex. My ex's kids walk over to my house and hang out with me 2 or 3 times a week and we also go to the gym and work out together. His teen daughter started attending the Youth service we do on Tuesday nights when I am serving and I've been able to bless her with prayer. My ex is now looking for another live-in girlfriend that is in the church. He is one of those men who just want a good girl but isn't a good guy. I pray for him. He doesn't realize it but the Pastors helped me a lot with overcoming the sinful relationship I was in with him. This is the only church in town. I have spoken with him about messing with these woman who are all now in my singles group. The Pastors have spoken with him as well. He is not allowed in the singles group because he is just looking for sex. I pray he gets his life figured out. Anyhow, that is my story. I hope someone can be blessed by it.
Thanks for sharing, Brenda, and the part that inspires us all ... "I have never felt better!" It's the beautiful taste of freedom when you finally discover the difference between what is his and what is yours and you refuse to take on anything that isn't yours.
Hi everyone,
It is a hard road to get over someone. Dark days can become brighter days even though it may not feel like it in the beginning. My pain is not as intense as it once was it has been six months since my ex disappear without even acknowledging that he wanted to a break up. The tears still come, but not has much as they did at the beginning. I am trying to move on, but there has been a rip in my plan my ex sent me a text about two week ago. The text was around 11:30 pm at night. I delete his name and number out of my phone, but of course you always know their number by memory. The text simply had .................... dots on it exactly! I guess he was trying to get a response out of me. I politely deleted the text. Just last week he texted me again this time saying that I know you cannot stand me, but you was on my mind. I guess this was supposed be where I was grateful that he thought so much of me after six months of no contact and finally thought enough of me to send me a message well WHOA! am just the luckiest girl! I deleted this message as well. It is hard because I love him, but the point is he does not love me and it is time for Sophia to love herself. So ladies the journey is hard, but as time goes on it want be so hard if you just acknowledge your feelings that you are having in the moment it makes the healing much faster. I don't try to decline that I got a excited feeling when his number came up on my phone. I did the oh he is thinking about me routine, should I tell him about himself routine, but he pretty much knows about himself already or maybe he doesn't. I know that I have to do what is healthy for me and that is not him. It hurts because I want the fairy tale in the movies where the guys are jerks, but the love of the women in the movies changes their hearts and they lived happy ever after. I want to live in reality now and I want to be with someone that appreciates me and loves me. I don't want to ignore shady behavior anymore to try to keep someone that is not worth my time. I don't want sit in a corner crying at night because I don't know who I am anymore. It hurts when you love these guys, but you have to remember that they cannot or won't give you what you need and that alone has to help you keep pressing on for something better.
"It hurts because I want the fairy tale in the movies where the guys are jerks, but the love of the women in the movies changes their hearts and they lived happy ever after. I want to live in reality now and I want to be with someone that appreciates me and loves me. I don't want to ignore shady behavior anymore to try to keep someone that is not worth my time. I don't want sit in a corner crying at night because I don't know who I am anymore."
The most powerful words you can speak, Sophia! The reality of who you are, where you're at, what you want and don't want, and the acknowledgment of it all. And that's exactly how you find what you're really looking for - the reality of what is instead of the fantasy that we all so want it to be, but it never, ever is, except in those movies.
Hi Jane,
Your blog has gave me strength and hope. 🙂
I'm so glad, Sophia; thank you! 🙂
Thanks for this post Sophia. When I read it I felt like you were in my head. It helps knowing I'm not the only one experiencing these things and that one day this won't hurt so much. Thank you to all you lovely, strong ladies. We can do this.
Hi sophia, Thanks for your honesty and your courage. I was in the same situation having finally said no to and broken up with a guy and then the texts started. I was not strong and I finally gave in and let him back in. And I can tell you all that is was just more of the same....only worse, because now he knows that he can do whatever he wants and that I will accept it. I SO wish that I had been as strong as you are! I am now attempting to get to the point of being able to say no again and walk away. It is even harder now. I got tears in my eyes listening to you and I pray that I will be able to have this strength this time.
Hi Deborah,
Thank you, for your kind words! You are very strong you just had a moment of weakness. It is hard to give up the dream the guys sold us, so when they attempt to enter our lives again we hope that this time our dream will come true. Don't be too hard on yourself it happens to all of us the only thing that has gave me strength is this blog and the strength that each and every one you have to share your story. Keep your head up! 🙂
Hi Jane and fellow subscribers
I just want you to know how much reading this blog, receiving emails and you sharing all your experiences has helped me come out of a hole that 3 months ago I didn't believe to have an opening.
You have to know that all these deep black holes have openings..If they didn't, how else would you have gotten into them?
The climb out is different for each and everyone of us but so was the climb in. Don't beat yourself not much about it. Just keeping climbing. Get on with your life...he couldn't commit and that was his loss. Let him fix himself if there is anything to be fixed...it is his life , he can do whatever he wants with it.so should you!
My ex couldn't fully commit and yet we seemed perfect together. But if he was so perfect then why weren't we happy?..I toyed around this for 18months until I realised it was time for me to look for my happiness. It has been 3 months now and I still think about him but I do not cry and I don't want him back. A small part of him still lingers in my heart but it will pass. Like Jane said, it is just the point I am at. I am afraid to love again but that is okay. It is will pass.
Ladies, we will get through this. Men are really the same(the bad ones)We come from different parts of the world but our experiences are so relatable it is amazing.
We will get through this. I will find my happiness and so will you.
I am learning to enjoy my own company and my life is back on track. It is such a satisfying thing to be in control. We are beautiful and we deserve to be happy. We can be happy on our own, with our children , with friends, with family or with men who love us. Happiness has many roads...you can find all or some...but you will find at least one!
Stay well, take care of yourselves and keep sharing!
Love how you put all this into words, Kris. Thank you so much for sharing your inspiring journey as an inspiration to us all of the possibilities for new beginnings, new ways of seeing, new ways of living that always begin from that place of where we are, no matter who we are or what we've been through!
I was in deep, and I was a low as I could get, until the moment I blurted 'I cannot live like this anymore'. I tried to hide my feelings for some months, trying to be fwb, since he told me he didn't want a commitment. I wanted something more, deep down, and the feelings only made my loneliness become somuch rawer, up to the point were it really hurted.
I wondered what was wrong with me, thanks to you and this website and the community I know that is not an uncommon reaction.
It's been a few days now and I feel quite fragile at the moment. It's so silent without our daily talks ans visits. I am missing my friend as well as my lover.
How do I go on front here, it was the right decision, I feel that in the core of my being, how do I manage the emptiness? Maybe you have an article you can recommend about this situation I am in right now.
Hold onto that, Rose, the "I cannot live like this anymore" moment in time where it all became so clear. You knew! And it's in that moment that the shift occurs and your life opens up to a whole new way of being and living if you are open to embrace it and see it for the gift it truly is. I know the silence, the first times of realizing that he's not there sinks in with a reality check that we're never quite prepared for. But know that this, too, is just a part of healing and growing and becoming so much more. I'm so glad you're seeing just how common a phenomenon it is!
You manage that emptiness by embracing yourself, by loving yourself, by focusing on you and celebrating the freedom to be you and to be loved by someone on the same page as you who wants what you want and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Here's some links to some articles that may help, especially the one on the dance of letting go.
And then there's the one written from my own heartbreaking experience that you can't make anyone love you.
And how to move on by forgiving yourself first - you did the best with what you knew at the time -and writing a letter to him that you don't send, but which helps to heal while you right it all out.
Allow yourself to feel your pain, to feel that emptiness and don't try to run from it or wish it away. There's healing in those tears that you may shed, there's power in feeling every single one of your emotions that prove just how much you can feel and how human, how real and authentic you are! That's a beautiful thing when you're with someone who's on your page and loves you for who you are.
And my best recommendation, Rose, is to focus on living your own beautiful life, on doing the things you've always wanted to do, on stretching yourself, on finding the people and places that love and support you and spending your time there with them. And come back here as often as you need to be reminded of just how not alone you are. Don't be afraid of going through this part. One courageous step at a time, it's how we all get to the other side!
I had a guy who was interested in me sep/oct n 31/12/13 he removed me from fb. I txt'd him saying why did u do this to me etc n he never replied n I kept adding him as a friend on fb but he kept declining my request n it made me so upset thinking why n I kept trying n trying but I told him on the 4th via fb chat saying do u still want to be friends n he wrote a long fb msg which sounded like a dear john sort of a thing. I was upset n he said I know u will be reply, move on but I can't n he said if I liked spongebob I would spend time with them 2x a week for 6 months. He said if u r upset don't be bcoz nothing happened with us n don't reply back n my heart sunk. So after that day I stopped giving him fb friend requests n msgs but still went to his profile to read what he's doing. My friend has him on her fb n asks me if I heard from him n I tell her no I haven't, what about u n she said yes she has n she invites him to her events but he doesn't show up n she said she might invite him n I thought if she invites him it's her own fault not mine n remove her as a friend n add me back as 1. I'm jealous she has him on her fb but I don't n still get along with her. All of April I've been shy to go to his profile on fb bcoz I think he's got somebody n I'm so shy to add him as a friend n my mind tells me to wait for him to add me as a friend.these days I get tempted to add him on fb. If I punch in 1 of his initials on fb his name pops up on the search engine. Idk whether to add him this week, on his birthday. I like this guy. The only thing when it comes to adding him he might reject my request. I don't want to embarrass him if he does come to my friends event. I 1x asked him does he see us as a couple n he said idk time will tell. He's a shy shy. There's been no contact with each other via msgs or fb. Do I add him on his birthday, this week or wait for him to add me. Idk what to do anymore. I'm too shy n nervous to do anything n I know he's shy. SOS
Hi. You remind me of me when i was a bit younger 🙂 I can offer my opinion, though it's not what you want to hear.
DO NOT ADD HIM ON FACEBOOK.
1. He's already removed you from his fb friends. He doesn't want to be fb friends with you.
2. He's rejected your requests when you have tried to add him again. He doesn't want to be fb friends with you.
3. He said "Move on" and "Dont reply". Listen to what he says. He's not interested.
I hope i'm not coming off too harsh. But it is very clear that even though you like him, this is not a good match. You need to resist the urge to look at his profile (which will lead to you trying to add him again, and getting rejected again, and feeling bad all over again). I would recommend blocking him on facebook. Not to make him jealous, but so you stop obsessing over him. You sound like an awesome person and there are a lot of other awesome guys out there for you, don't waste any more time on this guy! Block him and start looking for somebody who really likes you as much as you like them!!!! Good luck!
Thank you, Sky, for adding your perspective here.
I hope what Sky said helped you to see this all more clearly, Courtney. It's always easier to see this from an outside perspective, but when you keep setting yourself up for rejection from someone who clearly isn't on the same page as you, you do such damage to your beautiful self, to your self-esteem, to your self-confidence, your you! You deserve to be loved by someone who loves you for you, who wants to be with you and doesn't give you any reason to doubt him.
Don't give this guy any more opportunities to "reject" you, simply because you're going after someone who's not looking for who you are and what you have to offer! There's nothing wrong with you, but if you keep choosing someone who doesn't give you any reason to believe he's into you, you're going to eventually feel like there's everything wrong with you. Don't do this to yourself, Courtney. You deserve so much more than this!
Dear Jane,
I met for the first time in my life a guy whom I deeply love and with whom I deeply connected. He is 63, I am 64. I have been married two times as has he. His wife died three years ago and we connected really well. The love was there immediately but he and I said we were just friends. We are both lovers of Jesus and he has been into some nasty occult stuff. Not me well mother was. He came to Shabbat our messianic shul and when I ended up in the hospital because of all the stress he was taking about some really satanic garbage, he blamed himself and said he had spent too much time in hospitals having lost so many of his family and his wife to cancer etc and didn't want to be responsible for anything happening to me. He told my son he cared about me really so very much and that we would always be very close friends but that I need to stay away till he gets better. I fell for that three months ago and he has yet to respond to my emails. Yet when my sono went to his store he told me he was obviously hoping to see me and was crestfallen when he saw I wasn't there. He has literally DISAPPEARED. Though I know I love him deeply and he loves me deeply, I cannot and will not play his game anymore. I am 65 for crying out loud. I know he loves me. He told me once in a very long and extended diatribe but I would not even KISS him even ONCE because he had not defined our relationship in that way and I am very logical and tough minded about stuff like that. I cry all the time but have not emailed him anything on Jesus or about ANYTHING for over two weeks and I WON'T. HE NEEDS TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP! PERIOD. Last night I decided to move on but I still deeply love this wonderful confused scared lonely man..Help! Am I doing the right thing but leaving and not communicating with him? Our Rabbi and leaders all KNOW he loves me and say he will be back. What he doesn't know that based on his lack of communication, I have decided that when I get my settlement, I am leaving the state and him for good. Thanks Jane for any help you can give. I truly thought that finally at the end of my life the Lord was giving me someone I might be with for the rest of mine. NOPE! He is like all the rest and I am going back to no men forever which is where I was when I met him....WHY THE H..was he expecting to see me in his store just because my son came in ??He sounds a bit more than meshugga! Whacko probably!
As much as we want to know why someone behaves the way they do - and especially when it doesn't make sense to us! - we can spend so much of our time and energy trying to figure them out. The reality is, he is who he is, he's done what he's done for his own reasons, Martha, and it doesn't have anything to do with you. The problem is that it becomes about you when you try to understand, when you spend your own beautiful time and energy thinking more about him and what he's doing than about you.
You deserve to be happy and loved for who you are, Martha, and if the two of you aren't compatible in the ways that really matter, it doesn't matter how old you are or how much you'd think he'd behave differently than he is, find your own peace in the reality of what is. You're not here to change him or fix him or make him see things differently, you're here to be happy, to be loved, to be your beautiful true self.
No one can tell you if you're doing the right thing by leaving and not communicating with him; you have to do what is right for you, what feels right in your own heart and that will look different for everyone. Whenever you're not sure if you're doing the right thing, ask yourself if what you're choosing brings you the most peace and happiness, if it restores your sense of calm and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. You're the only one you answer to, Martha, and you're the only one you have to live with.
Yes I did. I dated a wonderful guy who I thought
Suited me!
But now after one month I found out that he does not actually know
What he wants... When I listen to him, it sounds that he does not want
A committed relationship.
How do I know? I see it in the way he talks about his life or how he is emotional
Kind of weird/confused... Sometimes even distant...
Now he has not been disrespectful or anything.
But I find it kind of strange, it's a feeling inside that says " weird man " vibe..
And then I miss his attention...
Now it's hard to not call or text him ... But somewhere inside I know that I shouldn't .
And I won't !
Just like you say...
It is what it is. If he does not call or text, off course he is not Comitted. A man who likes a women
Wants to know what she has been doing last week etc.
He would ask her things or take her to a cup of coffee .
I don't have another option now to date. But I feel inside it's better to not date this guy and
Keep positive & keep on living with peace and joy . Make way for another man.
Good article! I think I am going to read it a couple times, especially
When I miss the attention he gave me!
Thnx Jane
That's your gut instinct telling you what's below the surface for him, Maris. When you know who you really are and what you deserve with the kind of clarity you've been gaining for yourself, he becomes clearer, too. You can trust it! You can trust yourself! Feel your own confidence of being right where you are, with the insight, the intuition that you know exactly who you are and what you're looking for. This is exactly how you tell the difference between who you want in your life and who you don't. I'm so glad you enjoyed this!
Yes I enjoy the article & others too . When I read them it's like a
Reminder to stay focused/real.
Sometimes I feel confused , then I read them.
Is it possible that it has to do about doubting my self .
When I set a clear healthy boundary. I told him I am a women
Who does not take crumbs. He said well you want the whole bread.
I found out he was having problems with his ex, now they are together.
Which explains why he did not contact me for almost 2 weeks.
But he wants friendship , he sounded like that.
I told him that I could not be his friend! Told him I do not want no contact anymore!
Wished him good luck, that's it!
He didn't respond, only said "why are you acting like this"..
Now I do feel kind of strange like "did he pick his ex " over me. And kind of
That he wasn't honest with me about his ex.
Which gives me a little bit of a negative feeling.
Maybe it's my ego screaming. It's been two days now, I can't let this
Stupid feeling let go!
Jane, I finally was able to make the connection this past weekend! The understanding that it really, really is not about him but it is about me and how angry I have been with that poor little girl inside of me who only wanted to be loved has finally moved from my head down into my heart where it can do some good. I went through another painful weekend with this and it got emotionally abusive and almost physically dangerous. And I ended up on Sunday so desperately depressed that I did not believe that I could manage to continue on. I prayed and called friends and family and finally was lifted up out of that dark place. And I was thinking about all of his infidelities with his ex and how terrified I always am that if I do not keep things just right that he will do the same to me....when all of a sudden I thought, "Wait just a minute! Those affaires were never about anything that his ex did or did not do. they were completely about him and he was completely responsible for every one of them. She was not responsible for his behavior and neither am I!" And for the very first time I felt a lightness inside like a little bit of sunshine was coming through a crack in a wall I had built up a long time ago. And I saw this sad little girl who just needed to be scooped up and loved and appreciated and I opened my arms and held her. And I can now see that his choices....their choices....that none of their choices are my fault and that there really is nothing that I can do about them. But, as you say, I can do a lot for myself and that little girl who I abandoned so long ago. I can breath again. I have not done anything about the relationship one way or the other except that I have pulled in all of the energy I was putting out there. I do not call. I do not text. I don't say "I love you.", I don't pour over the newspaper looking for wonderful and fun things to entice him to come to me....I have quit. And it is not because I am trying to get him to do anything at all....it is because I do not want to do that to myself anymore and I am busy seeking the things, the people and the places where I feel loved and cared for. I am not angry....and that is a miracle!!! It is very true what you say Jane...the anger was all directed inward at myself for not being enough.....for needing too much...for calling or texting too much....for not calling enough....for having a bit of flab on my thighs....for not being funny enough....for being to emotional....for loving too much....etc....It was about me hating me not being angry at him. He is just a guy with a very limited tool box and he is really doing the best he can. And this does not mean that I am responsible for rescuing, making excuse for or putting up with harmful or damaging behavior. It simply means that I can say "No thank you." and keep walking! Thank you for your continued support.
"And it is not because I am trying to get him to do anything at all....it is because I do not want to do that to myself anymore and I am busy seeking the things, the people and the places where I feel loved and cared for. I am not angry....and that is a miracle!!! "
Deborah, you moved me to tears reading this - all of it. The clarity with which you've made this connection between the reality that has nothing - absolutely nothing! - to do with you is so beautifully inspiring. To see him this way. To see his past this way. It's huge!
But even more than that, to see yourself in the true light of who you are and what is yours and what is not! You free yourself within the simplicity of all this. It's anything but simple until you finally make that connection and see the dots all come together, but the freedom you've found here to no longer be controlled by someone else's actions, to no longer make your happiness dependent on what someone outside of you does or doesn't do, is freedom to your heart and soul like nothing else!
Thank you for sharing, Deborah; it's that reminder that we're all doing the best we can with what we know, whoever we are, whatever gender we may be. The only one we really ever loathe is ourselves.
I've known this guy for 4-1/2 years. We dated for the first 3 months and then he told me he couldn't commit. I wasn't surprised, since I already saw the signs and started dating someone else. However, he wanted to remain friends. I originally tried to avoid that, but he kept pursuing me. To this day, we remained friends (with nothing ever physical going on), just walking, movies, & enjoying each other's companionship. It seems as though he's very comfortable around me, and vice versa. We''ve gotten so used to each other. We date other people, but at the end of the day we still have each other. I've found that he never wants long-term relationships, but he always keeps me around. And, I'm around, because there doesn't seem to be much out there as far as emotionally available men. So it seems to work for us. I don't know whether it's right or wrong, but it's comfortable for both of us.
There is no right or wrong, Patsi; it's about living your life in a way that works for you! You're the only one who walks in your shoes and knows what you want and what you don't. We all make our own choices in a way that works for us. It's about you recognizing that you are the one doing the choosing and ultimately what you can live with and what you can't. If you're happy, if it's working for you, then that's what matters. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says; this is your life and the only person that you answer to is you!
Im in a relationship for 6 years now. We have good times and bad times. He is a good person. Sometimes I feel alone and some times I feel loved. This is the story of my life. In every relationship im in I put everything in. But when I get sore I take it out on him.
Dont get me wrong. We lived together from the beginning. We have a beautiful 3year old son that is always friendly as sunshine. He is my world. He tolde in his drunkeness infront of his friend that im not the married tipe. I will never be. Know he saying it was just a joke. I love him, but my hart bleeds. He likes to be around his friends and drink. I always feels like derdes. It hurt. But he say we are important to him as well.
We are not living together anymore but I miss him badly. He was my everything just as my son is my everything. We see each other twice a week, sometimes more.
Im not an angel as well. Im a girl that needs attention and love and respect. He will tell stories about where he was. He always has an excuse that his phones battery died and they only drank. But it feels like a lie. I dont know what to do. I want it to work for our sons. Im not a alone person. But I feel alone most of the time.
Whenever there's addiction involved - drinking in his case - it's not just about you and him, Liza, it's about the drinking and what it's doing to both of you. Add in your beautiful innocent little boy who you want this all to work out for, and of course you don't what to do. You know what you want, but you know that you alone can't change it. He has to want what you want for all of you, too.
We're all human, so don't be so hard on yourself. What you need is some help to see your way clear from a counselor or therapist who's trained in alcohol addiction - especially when there's children involved - and can give you some one-on-one advice here specific to your own unique situation.
Start with finding an Al-Anon group near you to get support for you here, if you haven't already. Is he open to counselling or seeing the truth about what his drinking is doing to both of you? He needs some help, but he has to be willing to see this for himself, too. By getting your own support from others who are going through this and asking the same questions as you are, you'll feel a lot less alone and you'll be able to find the resources and help you need here regardless of what he does or doesn't do. Our culture treats alcohol abuse like it's just part of our lives, but the reality of how it wreaks havoc on relationships and families is something that only someone going through it can understand.
You're not alone, Liza; but that feeling of loneliness when you're with someone carries an ache like none other. Don't take this personally, this is his own issue and not yours, and not because of you. We're all human; none of us are perfect or without our own faults and flaws. And regardless of who you are or what you've been through, you are absolutely "the married type" to someone who sees you for the beautiful woman you truly are, both inside and out!
Hi Jane,
As ever you are spot on with your writing. Why do we think they want to be saved, or have the chance to have a better life than they've had before. One thing is they tell us in the beginning they don't want their old life, they are sick of it, or they always wanted a family, so come on ill share mine with you!!
I let a guy into my life, family , everything for over two years and he just walked away. This was 3 months ago now, it broke my heart. How can someone be so cold and hurtful? I thought I gave him everything he wanted, everything! But obviously it wasn't enough for him. But I have read what you have said jane and tried very hard to not look back, it's been very hard but still a small piece of me wants him back. But I know I must be strong. The last time we spoke I said I can't do this anymore and asked him not to contact me, he said he couldn't promise me this but I said you will have to me it's making me I'll. so he did promise and he hasn't been in touch since, about 3 weeks ago now.
So hopefully I can move on and be happy on my own, I have done it before and I know I can do it again.
Thanks Jane you are an inspiration
Helen xx
And you will, Helen; because it's only when you stop settling for someone who isn't there, who's not truly compatible with you in the ways that matter, that you discover the life - and the love - that's been waiting for you all along. Thank you.
I'm 6 weeks out of a "something" with a supposed amazing guy who warned me after his ex burned him badly, that he wasn't interested in a serious relationship. After we went away for his birthday, and I dropped a ton of money on him, he went on a date with someone else and was physical with her. I broke no contact and IM'ed him 12 days ago and he's in the exact same place he was when I ended things just a month before. In fact, he's seeing someone new. He apologized again. When I think about that 20-minute long exchange, my blood boils. He told me he is "seeing someone" and it's not the girl he kissed or did whatever with. How easy it is for him to move on. I am angry I didn't tell him to shove it, I am angry that I was still so nice to him. He was a total jerk to me. And yet, I am having such a difficult time letting him go. It's only been 6 weeks and that short IM really did a number on my self-esteem. True love is not supposed to make you feel all torn up and twisted inside. He doesn't deserve me and his issues are his own. I refuse to carry them. But it's still so hard because so much of me wants a chance with him again. That's the honest to Gods truth. But then I remember that I'm not a woman who accepts disrespectful behavior from men and he was a royal jerk to me. So then I go back to missing him and realizing we can never ever be. And that makes me so sad. I just don't know what to do with the anger. Sometimes it feels as though it's going to swallow me whole. It's also hard for me to reconcile how invested and interested he was in the beginning and how he just doesn't give a shit now.
Forgive yourself, Sweetmango. That's where the anger goes the deepest; with yourself. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time, and no one deserves to be treated the way you're treating yourself.
You're a loving, caring, giving, trusting beautiful woman and of course you wanted to believe that it could be different, that you could reach him, that you could show him what love is meant to be! Don't change that part of you; just don't give it away until someone has truly proved his worth to you, until enough time has passed so you can see who he is really is and what he's really about.
It's the things we do to ourselves that wreak havoc on our self-esteem and shake our confidence to new lows. You're never going to understand the "why", so don't even try.
Keep looking at the reality of what you do know. And feel that sweet freedom. There's a reason why it's so much easier to put all our time and energy on someone else; when the person who needs us the most is that little girl inside who's wondering when we're going to remember to start with her.
Thank you Jane for all of your articles and insights. I find your words so encouraging and read your blog and emails regularly since my ex disappeared 2.5 months ago. I'm curious about to know more about what you think of the conflict Sweetmango is experiencing as I myself still deal with this fight between my head and heart. Logically I know he's not good for me. That him leaving without an explanation isn't kind, loving and not what I want in a relationship. Yet I still seem to miss him I think. A friend mentioned that it may just be the idea of him or what he symbolized, that if he pulled this, there was probably other stuff there during the whole relationship that I shouldn't have been putting up with.
I used to struggle with reconciling that this person that seemed so heavily invested in the beginning decided to walk away. I find some help in your words (you recently mentioned in an article that "...when men are the most unsure of what they really want that they pursue the hardest and the longest simply because as long as you're not taking them up on their pursuit of you, they don't have to decide what they want." and I think that may have been part of it.
Recently he texted me (a drunk 2am text) that just told me he was going to the bar near my house. I didn't reply and didn't hear from him again. The door man at the bar later told me he was very drunk and asking about me. I hate that I found some pleasure in this. Yet, he really isn't doing anything to get back together with me. This information has seemed to set me back a bit. But I'm trying to get back on track again.
Don't fight where you are, B. There's a process we all go through to get to where we need to get to where we see this for ourselves. When you find yourself getting some pleasure out of knowing that he was asking about you, feel that feeling of pleasure. That's you! That's the kind of woman you are that someone still thinks about you - because of course he does when you're as awesome as you are!
The key is to feel the feelings - all of them, the ones you want as well as the ones you don't - and see how they're all a part of where you are at each moment in time. This is all very temporary! The key is to not become attached to any of them, nor take yourself so seriously when you say things to yourself like you miss him, you want him back - you want him to want you back! - and you would give anything if he would have a change of heart and come back around. Whatever you feel, allow yourself your feelings and the thought that go along with them, because this is where you're at right now!
You see, B, the problem is that when we don't allow ourselves to be human, to feel, to make "mistakes" - and there are none, just learning points - then we do the worst thing we can; we make ourselves feel so much worse with the harsh treatment we give ourselves. We make ourselves feel so much worse and bring our self-esteem and confidence to all new lows when we berate ourselves for not being there yet, for feeling like we "should" know better by now, that our friends and family expect us to be over him because they have their own judgement of him, and so on and so on.
But if this is where you're at, this is where you're at right now! And there's no shame in that, regardless of what anyone else thinks or says.
So be with yourself, B, love yourself through this process, try and find the lightness, the humor, the humanness of being right where you are. Don't hate any part of it because what you're really hating is you! When you're ready for the next step, you'll know because you'll be there. You'll feel it, you'll know it, you won't miss any of it. One step at a time!
Thank you for this response to B, Jane. I have been doing better, detaching and attempting to focus on myself. But today I took a step backward and I reached out to him for support/closeness that I know he does not like to give and I got the same response per usual of derisiveness and disregard. It hurt.....again. The worst part is how angry I was getting with myself for going there ....AGAIN! So I was beginning to spiral down into that black place. I needed to be reminded that this is a process and that it is one step at a time. Also, that I need to love MYSELF through this process and that a sense of humor about this will also help. So I will try....this was not such a big deal....of course I wish that this guy would finally come around and be willing to give support and kindness when I need it not just when it is convenient or he wants something out of it. Of course I want this! that is part of my lovely self! (I wince when I call myself lovely....I must keep working on that!) However, this guy can't do it.....doesn't have the tools....the desire....the need....etc. Ok. I will need to thank him politely and move on. I am not there yet....but I am getting there....one wobbly step at a time. and the more I keep putting one foot in front of the other....the more sure footed i will become until i am leaping and dancing and twirling around! Right?
Exactly, Deborah; you've got this!
Thank you Jane. Your personal responses always mean so much.
You're so welcome, B!
Hi Jane - I wasn't sure whether to put this question here or in 10 Assumptions or in The One Little Think That's Keeping You Stuck. Decided to put it here as it's basically part II of the situation I described above.
Since I heard from the doorman above that my ex was asking about me the night he sent the random drunk text, I find I've been waiting. Waiting to hear from him, hoping he'll contact me again so I can say to him: "If you want to see me or have a conversation, please contact me when you're sober".
I have taken the text/him asking about me as evidence that he's thinking about me and wanting that to mean he wants to talk to me, explain why he left, and wants me back.
My friends (and the logical part of me) say that if he wanted to get back together he would. They say, "do you really want someone that would disappear on you, that you couldn't truly communicate with? Again, logically, no I don't. I want him to want to change, to be different, to be sorry. I want him to come back and be willing to work on this. I want it to be different. I think this is the emotional part. No logic, just emotionally I miss him, miss the love that was there. At least I think I do. I just miss him. Even though he disappeared with no explanation.
That seems so messed up. How can I bridge the gap between knowing I deserve better on an intellectual level and the feelings of wanting him? What am I missing? What can I do to align the 2? It seems that for my friends, it's so logical - he treated you badly, why do you want him?
I ask myself the same thing. It's just how I feel. But I want to be able to truly feel that I don't want someone that could do this to me. Yet, in my gut, that's not what i'm feeling.
What is your advice?
Your friends are right, and the reason they can see this so easily and you can't it for yourself is because of exactly what you're seeing here; you're stuck in the emotional part of the "shoulds", the "what ifs" that keep you seeing this with the clarify of a purely logical outside perspective. But what's huge, here, B, is that you're seeing this! You're realizing that if you only connect the dots and merge your head with your heart you'll be able to see this for yourself the way your friends do.
I wrote a post about exactly this; following your heart but bringing your head along. It is just how you feel, but you can change that by recognizing that these are only feelings that have to do with your belief systems that have everything to do with the messages you've received throughout your life and made your own truths regardless of the fact that they are not who you are, they do not reflect your own truths. They are about the culture, about the media, about everyone else except you. That's why this seems so difficult to merge the two, B, because it's taken your whole life to get here, so undoing it is going to take practice until it becomes your new truth.
The place to start begins with finding out who that little girl inside you really is, and focusing on what she needs and what she doesn't want. Take your example from children, B. If we can observe them while they're still so fresh and innocent, before tour culture and the media and the well-meaning role models in their lives who perpetuate these "truths" have had a chance to change them, when they need something, they let you know. When they're not being treated right, they make lots of noise about it. They're in touch with what feels good to them and what doesn't and there's no difference for them between their heads and their heart.
That's where you want to get to. Don't accept love that isn't love. You do know the difference, even if the fantasy pops up in your mind before the reality. You know what you deserve and what you don't. I always found it helpful to write out the realities that I did know, versus the fantasies that I was inserting in between the lines of the reality. The surprising thing is always that this is really about you and what you're inserting in there. He is who he is and without your own triggers, without your own belief systems coming into play and causing you to insert your own ways of seeing into the mix, you would never want someone like this or be willing to settle for someone who would treat you in a way that doesn't honor and respect the beautiful woman you are!
It takes practice, but if you can catch the feelings as they come and recognize them for what they are, emotions that want to see fantasy and not reality, you'll get used to questioning whether they're telling you the truth about what you know is real or what is only your emotions based on your own feelings that have nothing to do with him. Instead of beating yourself up about how you feel, calmly say something to yourself like "Oh here's that dream I'm imagining again", and try to focus on the humor and lightness of the situation instead of making it a reason to be hard on yourself or doubt how far you're come.
Know that this comes from a lack of love for ourselves, from not remembering that you're the prize, that you have so much to offer someone who is truly worthy of you. When you come to see yourself in that light, the real change happens naturally. Because when you know who you are, what you offer, and what you want in a relationship, and when you refuse to settle for anything less than that, it's because you know your worth and you would never let anyone in your life who doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated! That's why this is completely in your control because you are the one doing the choosing and the only person who puts up with what you do, is you!
I hope this helps, B; let me know if you need more. 🙂
Oh man... breaking no contact is always always always a recipe for disaster. If you are gonna go the No Contact route, you have to commit and never look back. (Easier said than done, I know!) Every time you break it, you end up even worse than you were before you started. There are lots of games your brain will play on you: "Why hasn't he noticed im gone?? He should be messaging me" or "I'm over him now, so I can message him and it will be alright". You deserve way better than this guy, who is clearly bouncing from girl to girl to girl. No contact is an awesome tool for healing once you decide you deserve better and want to cut out the source of your pain, but it is a terrible game to play in hopes that somebody will notice your absence and come back to you (It will always backfire). I'd say 60 days is the minimum, and 90 is better. Accept at the beginning that he probably wont contact you during that time (unless he wants some action). As long as he exists in any form in your universe, your emotions will be on fire and you won't ever heal. To heal the wound you have to remove the source. You obviously deserve better, cut him off and move on to greener pastures!! Just my opinion 🙂
I recently dated a guy for four months, he pursued me relentlessly in the beginning and I was the one who wasn't sure. As soon as I staring becoming attached to him he pulled the plug, fist becoming distant and eventually saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. His reasons were complicated and he told me he was working on himself seeing a psychologist etc. This pulled me in believing he may come around, I learned the hard was that it doesn't matter what the reasons cited are, if a guy doesn't want a relationship it's because he doesn't want to be with YOU. I have decided to cut all contact because if I don't I will stay hoping that he will change his mind. If he wanted to be with me, we would be, period, no matter what psychological difficulties he was having he would find a way to keep me in his life. Never chase after a man, but we need to learn this reality from experience because that is the only way we learn. I love this blog, it had helped me so much. Thank you
I'm so glad this is helping you, Laura; we all always want to believe it. What you say here is so true "... because if I don't I will stay hoping that he will change his mind." And that - as we always seem to find out the hard way - is no way to live.