Archives for April 2014

10 Assumptions That Will Ruin Your Love Life

I was having a conversation with a friend recently about some of the assumptions I used to make when I was single. With the benefit of hindsight, it's clear that these assumptions were way off base, but at the time they just seemed to make sense.

You know, like the one where you assume that he’s interested in calling you simply because he asked for your number.

Or the one where you assume he’s on the same page as you simply because you've been going out for awhile and you think everything’s going well.

Here I was thinking so many of the assumptions that I made were true for both people in a relationship. That they were just naturally the way both men and women started thinking about the nuances of things as just part of the dating and relationship process – when in reality, they were anything but similar.

Not just gender came into play, but also personality, cultural differences, and many other factors, and I started to see how the lens that we see everything through that reflects the stories of our lives comes into play here once again.

You think it must be what he’s thinking, too. You believe it’s the next logical step for him, too. You can’t imagine how it could be any different for him.

But the reality is, he’s not you.

I started realizing just how much of a problem this is for so many of us, when we look at how someone else behaves and we make our own judgment that has everything to do with us and our own filters, and nothing to do with him.

If it was just an observation on our part, that would be one thing, but the problem goes so much deeper than that. It’s because we make these judgments into the truth about our relationships, and then we start living that way, without even realizing how one-sided this reality that we've created for ourselves – the only reality we see - has become.

And when you live this way, when you make someone your world and close off all your other options simply because he’s telling you all the things you want to hear, you’re not seeing this for the reality of how long you've been together or how well you really know him.

Like when you start playing house with him before you have the committed relationship you’re looking for from him, simply because his lease is up or because you’d like someone to snuggle with at night. You’re missing the most important part - the commitment.

You’re making yet another assumption here based on your criteria, your view, your own filtered lens.

Here are 10 big assumptions that so many of us make that totally mess up our love lives:

You assume you're his girlfriend just because you've been hanging out together.
You assume he's interested in a relationship just because he’s flirting with you.
You assume he hears wedding bells the same way you do because he’s asking you out.
You assume he wants a relationship with you because he wants to have sex with you, even if he calls it "making love”.
You assume he wants to marry you because he’s OK with living together.
You assume you're exclusive (hint: You're not, unless you both verbally agree you are!)
You assume that his telling you he “doesn't want to lose you” means he can give you what you’re looking for.
You assume that having his baby means he’ll stay with you and become the man the father your child needs him to be.
You assume he'll come back to you just because you decide to play hard to get.
You assume he wants you to “rescue him” just because he tells you the sad story of how he’s never known love, or been cheated on, or had a rough childhood, etc., etc., etc.

The first step in changing these assumptions (that are really your belief systems operating that keep you from finding love) is simply to recognize them.

Hear yourself saying them in the unspoken thoughts you think when you find yourself in any of these situations.

Question the reality of what is, versus the fantasy of what you want it to be.

Is it real? Or is it just you wanting it to be real and reading more into it than what’s really there?

You don’t want the fairytale. You don’t want the lie.

You want the reality, you want the truth.

Even if it hurts, even if it’s not what you imagined. Free yourself by being willing to see the reality of what you do know, of what you feel, of what you see, of what his actions say even if his words don’t, before you go any further in a script that is just that; a fantasy and not the love and the life that you so deserve.

What assumptions have you held? You’re not alone! Let’s help each other recognize the ones we've been living by sharing them here in the comments!

I Want Marriage and Children, But He's Not Ready

37 Comments

Here's an email from another one of our beautiful readers, who signed herself DRT.

She's been in a long term relationship for quite a while, and is ready for the next stage, but her boyfriend is not.

Here's her story:

Thanks for your site. I've read a few of the articles, which I have found insightful.

My question is: I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years, I'm in my early thirties and he is nearly forty. We have lived together for most of that time.

I have been ready to settle down and have children for some time now. The time is also right for me career-wise (and may be less so in future due to increasing responsibilities which I'll need some time to get used to).

He has always said we will get married and have children but it always seems to be some vague time in the future. Currently he wants to wait a couple of years until he is the next rung up the career ladder.

He complains that he hasn't lived his life yet and that we don't go out enough. I'll be honest I would prefer a meet up with friends or a day trip rather than go partying. This is the main cause of our arguments.

We generally get on well otherwise and both have our hobbies although not shared.

His takes up a lot of his time and often at short notice which I find frustrating, and he gets annoyed that I won't go with him though I have tried and don't enjoy it.

What worries me also is that he actively tries to avoid events with children, including with my family (I have several young cousins).

I know you don't have to like other people's children to have your own but I would want someone who is an active father involved in family life and events.

I am starting to think that the future I envisaged will not happen.

Should I continue in a relationship with someone I love and enjoy spending time with when we're together or am I going to miss my chance at a family because I wait too long for a man who may not commit?

Signed, DRT

My Response:

Dear DRT,

I hear where you're coming from.

You have all this history and time invested with someone, and then there's the reality of where you are and what you want at this stage of your life, and it sounds like he hasn't come to this point with you.

I see several red flags here, particularly the fact that you say he tries to "actively avoid events with children" - and you want children - and that he's "complaining he hasn't live his life yet and we don't go out enough" - and you prefer to meet up with some friends than go partying.

Since you clearly know what you want, and he's not giving you some real indicators that these are the same priority for him, these would be some real red flags for me if I was looking to get married and have children and this was a top priority for me.

But this has to come from you. You have to come to this for yourself or you won't be able to live with yourself and your decision.

Is he really marriage material or are the two of you too far apart on these points that are at the top of your priority list? Are you willing to take a "wait-and-see" approach to see if he might come around? No one can know the future, but where someone is at now - and how they behave - are the best indicators you have of what you can expect more of.

If you haven't already, I would evaluate just how much you really have in common when it comes to what matters most to you. As I've said in an earlier post, one of the ways you'll know if you've got a keeper is if he's available for the kind of relationship that you want. And I used the example that if you want kids and he doesn't, then he's not available for the type of relationship that you want.

Unfortunately, I hear far too many stories from women who wait and wait and wait some more for some man with so much potential that they've fallen in love with to come around to their page, until their own lives have passed them by. While these are someone else's stories and the only story that matters here is your own, they reveal the reality of where this road often leads.

I have a feeling that that since you're writing to me about this now, you already know your own answers. Deep down, we always do.

Whether it's that pull that urges you to give it just a little more time - and then you set that time frame in your own mind - or that gentle nudging that tells you there's more to life and love and being in relationship with someone you love than this.

Whatever pull feels stronger, DRT, know that this is always about you and what you can live with and what you can't.

Real love - the real kind you're talking about that you choose - is about two people on the same page who want the same thing with each other and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. I don't know of a healthy, loving, fulfilling, and rewarding relationship that can last without that.

But what that looks like specifically can be different for each of us depending on who you are, what you want and what you don't, and what you need to be happy.

It's not about him - you can let him know what you want and what you need to be happy - but you can't change him. He is who he is and he's going to do what he wants to do.

I hope this helps give you some outside perspective, DRT.

I know this isn't an easy decision to make, but regardless of what you decide, the best place to start is the decision to focus on you, to make your own life a priority, and live your own life in a way that reflects your beautiful, authentic, true self with so much to offer, so much to give.

Sometimes all it takes is that conscious shift in our own way of being that creates a new energy that ripples through our relationships and brings about a change in the ones we're with.

Love,

Jane

What do you think DRT should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!

The Real Reason He Won't Commit

59 Comments

We make this so much more complicated than it needs to be.

We look for every possible reason why someone won’t commit to us. Why he just doesn't want a committed relationship.

We search high and low within his background, his history to figure this out.

Why won’t he commit? What is it about commitment that makes him so afraid of it?

Why can’t he see the potential that you see so clearly?

And in this search that takes on a life of its own until it becomes our very lives, you linger the longest in the places where you come in.

What is wrong with me? you wonder. And you pick yourself apart.

What do I need to do to get him back to where he was? And you try anything and everything.

What about this is loving?

I ask you.

What about this is love? Nothing.

Unless it’s a distorted version that you've come to believe is love. But it’s not.

And yet you continue to do this to yourself time and time again.

It’s time to free yourself.

With the knowledge that there’s only one reason he’s not making a commitment to you; it’s because he doesn't want to.

He doesn't want to be saved. He doesn't want to be rescued. He doesn't want to be changed. He doesn't want you to make him your project – or your responsibility.

He wants to be free to be who he is.

And right now, this is who he is. And he’s quite happy being this way.

This reality check is what frees you - but only if you allow it to. Because the reality is, it’s not about you. He’s going to do what he’s going to do.

But what you do have everything to say about is where you go from here. It’s not about you, so let yourself be freed. Freed from trying to make it about you. Freed from believing you can do something to bring him around, to change his mind, to help him see the light.

You’re free to be you with your own valid needs and desires. And he’s free to be who he is. It’s not personal; it never is, no matter how much you want to make it be.

When you tell him you’re done and all he says is “OK” ... this is your reality check.

He’s not there.

When you ask him why and he says he doesn't know … this is your reality check. The reason never matters.

When you try every trick in the book to try to turn this around and it doesn't work … this is your reality check. He doesn't want to be turned around.

This is where he’s at, this is what he’s comfortable with, and now it's your move.

No more trying to squeeze water from stones, my beautiful friend. Leave it right there where it wants to be - doing exactly what it wants to be doing - and go live your own beautiful life.

Just watch what shows up when you stop trying to change what doesn't want to be changed!

Did I Scare Him Away?

25 Comments

Here's an email from one of our beautiful readers who is afraid that she may have made a mistake by holding him off for too long.

Here's her story:

Jane -

I love reading all of your articles and have been incorporating them into my most recent situations, including one in particular.

I started dating someone about three or four months ago, and at the time, was really busy and focusing on myself while getting over someone else, which obviously made him like me more.

He would ask me out on dates and I had to cancel a couple of times. I only went out on one or two dates with him up until about a month ago when we started seeing each other more. He initiated this with his kind words, asking me to hang out with him before I completely slipped from his mind.

He even met some of my friends and gave us free tickets to a sporting event and sat with us. He had pursued me for so long, and still kept persistent even after I had put him off.

I realized that I should not have put him off for so long, but it seemed all was going well and I could tell from his behavior and even the way he looked at me, that he really liked me. My girl friends even discussed how into me he seemed.Continue Reading

The Trap Most of Us Fall Into

16 Comments

You’re learning by now that being anything but your true self isn't going to help you find the guy or the love that you’re looking for.

You’re figuring out that whoever you really are is enough for someone who’s truly right for you, even if you still have some work to do on this one.

You get the idea.

You’re learning how to accept the reality of what is instead of the fairytale that you so want it to be.

You’re recognizing that you’re the one doing the choosing, and not the other way around. That it’s your choice, your decision, and that short-term heartbreak is always better than investing more time, more energy, more of your beautiful self in someone who isn't there and, more importantly, doesn't want to be.

And as difficult as these concepts have been for you to get to, you’re getting there. It’s not just me now saying these things to you, you’re starting to see these truths in your own life and put them into your own words.

But there’s something else you’re doing that isn't doing anything to help your confidence or self-esteem, and you’re not alone in failing to see how this keeps hurting you in more ways than you realize time and time again.

It’s this awful habit so many of us have of comparing yourself to others.

It’s this looking at who’s single and who’s not.

It’s this looking at what they've got that you think you don’t. It’s this competitive type thinking that leaves you feeling so much worse - not better - about yourself and who you are.

Because the reality is this isn't a competition.

This isn't about vying for a place in some love contest where there’s only a select group of winners. This isn't about trying to be more than someone else is or trying to figure out what they have that you don’t and why this makes you wrong.

They have their own story (and it’s probably not the story you think it is).

But it’s not about them.

It’s about you.

This is about finding your own path, finding out who you are and what you need to be happy. This is about learning to love yourself for who you are. Sure, we all want to be our best selves and make whatever changes we want to make to be the best people we can be.

But it’s not about changing the essence of who you are in the process.

It’s about acceptance, love and compassion. For who you are and how far you've come! For all that you have, for all that you are, for all that you have to offer and all that no one else in the world has quite like you do.

For all that makes you uniquely you.

Our culture may have us all believing it’s all about looks; how attractive you are, how sexy you are, how physically perfect you are by a standard that isn't even real, as we’re finding out all the time.

But real love isn't about that. If it were, only the attractive people would find love and everyone else would be alone. In fact, I've discovered it to be quite the opposite. The majority of people who have the easiest time finding love and getting married are some of the most “average” people I know by our culture’s standards.

But to the ones they’re with, they’re anything but “average”.

And it’s also no coincidence that many of the women who have the hardest time finding someone are some of the most beautiful women by that same cultural standard.

Find the beauty in you.

Inside and out.

Make a list of all those beautiful qualities you possess. Use affirmations to help you remember these and post that list somewhere that you can easily see it on a daily basis.

Write out everything you have to offer someone who shows himself to be worthy of you.

You won’t need to convince him of your worth. You won’t need to sell him on you. If he’s the one for you, he’ll see it for himself . And if he doesn't, let that be your sign. He’s not the one.

That’s always how you know.

Have you found yourself falling into the trap of comparing yourself to other women - either women you know, or in the media? Tell us about it in the comments!

Is He Just Playing Games?

15 Comments

Our wonderful reader Meghan is wondering what she should do with the guy she's dating who seems to have commitment issues and might be playing games with her.

Her email:

I met him just after he broke up with his old gf. I played it cool because I didn't want it to turn into rebound sex.

Things worked out nicely and I have been seeing this guy for about 6 months now and it was always been super relaxed and we can always have a good time, and have lots of chemistry in bed.

But it almost seems as soon things get serious he gets scared and stops treating me like his gf and will intentionally do things that make me jealous.

He says he likes me a lot and when we are alone he's super loving. I'm trying to give him space to think about us but I fear he is using this time to hook up with other girls. It hurts and I want to say something but I'm not wanting to scare him off by talking too much about our relationship because of his commitment issues.

I am confused if he is just playing games with me because he knows he can.

What should my next move be?

My Response:

Don't allow him to play games with you, Meghan.

When you remember that you're the prize, that you don't need him; when you remember you're the one doing the choosing here and you change your mindset to that place of confidence in who you are and what you have to offer him, you shift the relationship.

You change the way he sees you by changing the way you see yourself.

Remember your life, you've got one, too.

Yes, you have every right to talk to him, but are you talking to him out of your own insecurities or because you really have something to say?

Fill your time, fill your life, as I wrote in one of my previous posts, be hard to get, don't play hard to get.

Show him that you have a life, too, but not because you're showing it to him, but because you do have a life. And if you don't have one, get one.

Make one for yourself.

Life is meant to be lived in every sense of the word, with so many places to fill your life with love so that he doesn't become your everything. He's not! He's only another human being with his own faults and shortcomings.

But above all, know what you can live with and what you can't. Know what he's worth to you. You said he has commitment issues, well, is that what you want? A relationship with someone who has commitment issues?

Or do you want someone who's on your page, who wants the same thing you want with you, who doesn't make you jealous or pull away when you get to close or play other games with you?

It's always your decision, Meghan. But it has to come from you. You're not going to change him; he's going to be who he is. You be who you are. That beautiful, confident, sexy woman known as you!

Hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any additional thoughts, words of encouragement, or advice for our beautiful friend Meghan? Tell us in the comments!

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10 Assumptions That Will Ruin Your Love Life

I Want Marriage and Children, But He's Not Ready

My Response:

The Real Reason He Won't Commit

What about this is loving?

It’s time to free yourself.

He’s not there.

Did I Scare Him Away?

Here's her story:

The Trap Most of Us Fall Into

It’s about you.

Find the beauty in you.

Is He Just Playing Games?

Her email:

My Response:

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