Archives for December 2013

Am I Wasting My Time?

One of our radiant, confident, beautiful readers, Lisa, writes to me wondering if she's wasting her time with a guy that isn't able to commit to more of a relationship with her right now.

Her letter:

Hi Jane -

I've been dating a man for almost a year now.

We get along great we have great chemistry we are a lot alike, he treats me well when we are together is a very nice man and we enjoy our time together. Note I have known him since I was 19. He was my brothers college roomie. My whole family knows him so it's been easy.

It caught us off guard. But we began dating recently at age 42. We both are divorced. Very similar situations. It's sorta our bond. I know what he deals with. His more recently than mine and his world is turned a bit upside down because of it. He right after we began dating had to be the full time parent to his teenagers and begin raising them. Needless to say this was a huge thing for him and for us.

The dating dynamics for us changed drastically. He is managing his kids he works like a maniac and he has tried to maintain what we have. Note we live an hour away from each other;it's a lot to manage and keep going.

Our time is limited but I like it and it works for now. It's been going nicely but I find myself wanting more eventually. When? I'm not sure. My kids are still pretty young. I don't think he can give me more at least not now.

We see each other about every weekend one night. It's been great this far and we call or text all week long. But at what point do we do more? I'm not around his kids. He said long ago they wouldn't be ready for that.

We have never discussed our feelings for each other and I have them. I'm afraid if I share them it will spook him or add more pressure to what he has we don't talk of anything about our relationship. We just enjoy eachother have fun and bond.

Do I walk away? Am I wasting my time hoping one day he will want a serious relationship w me?

We act like bf gf already but just don't discuss it. This week he mentioned he is tired of being 100% parent and working. He is burned out.

Says maybe he should go to Costa Rica and be a bartender. I didn't reply. A couple days later he sounded down I asked if he was okay he said In his words..... I'm having a hard time w life in general... Honestly I have a lot going on. I put too much pressure on myself and I need to figure myself out and chill and finds ome internal happiness and contentment. R u sorry u asked????

I didn't even know what to say. What does that mean???

So as long as this is. At age 43 wanting a relationship again and wanting someone special in my life again am I wasting my time here? Is this man depressed? Wasting my time? Not into me?

I'm so confused and sad.

I really like him and I feel he likes me. It makes me sad he said all that. Please email me with your thoughts.

- Lisa

My Response:

It's really about what he's worth to you, Lisa. He's definitely got a lot going on his life right now, but that's not to say you can't be a part of that life, just the reality of raising teenagers and trying to be a good father and provider and all things to all people can weigh on someone and make it hard for them to take on anything more.

If you enjoy being with him, there's nothing wrong with simply enjoying your time that you do spend together and fill the rest of your life up with close friends and others you can talk to without putting pressure on him, because it doesn't sound like he's in a place to give you his best answers when it comes to meeting your needs when he can barely keep up with his own.

When comments like "bartender in Costa Rica" come up, that's your clue that he feels overwhelmed, not unlike something many of us feel at one time or another, but it is a reality check on where he's at right now, so it is something for you to consider.

He won't be raising teenagers forever, but what this is always about is you and what you're willing and not willing to put up with. He is at a different life stage right now than you. So whether that's a deal breaker for you is something only you know for sure, but again, it's the reality of what is that matters and not the fantasy of a different time or place.

Only you know if it's worth waiting for, or if you can focus your energies on other areas of your life - leaving your options open - while still having him in this one area of your life where you enjoy your time together.

If you're focusing on you more than him or "us" than what he does or doesn't do, or what mood he is in or isn't in, won't matter as much. But only you know what he's worth to you or whether what you do get from him is worth what you're aren't getting and would like to get from him.

Does that make sense?

Hope this helps a little. I know these matters of the heart are never easy decisions, but know that you also don't have to make any decisions now either. Sometimes, just shifting your focus from him to you and "us" to you can make all the difference. We sometimes expect someone to be the be all and end all to our lives, when if we get our needs met in several different places - through friendships, hobbies, passions, events, animals, children, classes, etc. - we find the answers become that much clearer.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Is Lisa wasting her time with this man? Tell us your thoughts in the comments!

How Self-Love Saved My Dating Life

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Today’s post has been contributed by Alexis Meads, a lifestyle and wellness coach.

When I was in my early 20's, I moved to a new city, broke out of my comfy relationship and started a financial career in search of my dreams.

I went on dates, spent my newly earned money and partied. My life seemed good from the outside and it was exciting and fun…for a while.

A few years into this new lifestyle I realized that I hated my job, I never got over my first love, I had gained 20 pounds and racked up some hefty credit card debt.

I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted or how to get there.

I thought that if I just met the “perfect” guy, than I would be happy and all would be well. So I spent all my time searching hopelessly. I went out with my friends, tried internet dating, met guys at work. But in every single relationship I either found myself bored and unhappy, or seriously hung up on unemotionally available men.

I was keeping myself busy to avoid being alone. Sitting still and being alone meant that I had to face my own demons. I was scared that I’d realize how lonely I was. The voice on Friday night that said, “you’re tired, do something for yourself, just stay in” would be silenced in fear of feeling like a failure.

After receiving my M.A. at Harvard University and still not having any luck in the dating world, plus feeling dissatisfied with my life all around, I did what any normal person would do…up and moved to Hawaii.

I spent the next four months in what I now look back as my “self-love discovery.” Although I didn’t know it at the time, that is exactly what it was.

For the first time, on my own, I learned what it was that I really wanted. I found that I loved to dance and did it daily, I spent time meditating, shed that 20 pounds by treating my body right and learned how to say no. I began accepting myself, and from that acceptance, began dreaming up my ideal life.

I no longer felt lonely when I was alone.

When I moved back to the mainland as Hawaiians call it, excited about my new life and focusing on myself for the first time, an unexpected thing happened.

I met someone.

And he didn't check off my previous boxes. I had always gone for a certain “type” of guy that I was attracted to, but that also never worked out. I was made to believe that “the one” would just show up and sweep me off my feet and it would all be happily ever after. Plus the timing with this new guy seemed all wrong.

Luckily the universe had grander plans than our own. Even though I wasn't out looking for a relationship, now that I had fully embraced myself, it was looking for me.

I kept him in the friend zone for a while, convinced that this wasn't the guy for me and not the right time. However, I couldn't deny that I enjoyed spending time with him. That I felt comfortable talking to him and that when he hugged me it felt like home.

One fated day on the beach, after a really fun time with him, I made a final attempt to keep him at arms length. Even with growing feelings, I told him that I just wanted to be friends. To my total shock and awe, he said “okay”.

Like it was nothing! I figured for sure he’d be angry, or controlling, or never speak to me again. Like every other guy in my past. But he just said “okay”, completely willing to let me go, and then even had the audacity to see if I wanted to hang out again as friends the next day!

I’m pretty sure I fell in love with him at that moment.

Here was the first man who had come into my life who would allow me to be in a relationship while also allowing me to be free.

We are now engaged to be married in Greece this May. While it’s not always perfect, its perfect for me. I have grown so much within this relationship and feel blessed to have found it. But it would have never happened if I hadn't first found myself.

Alexis Meads received her M.A. at Harvard University. She is a Certified Wellness Coach and Self-Love Expert. She helps women to fall madly in love, feel sexy and confident every day and create a life full of adventure.

You’re Already Her!

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No, that’s not a typo. It’s not a place we’re talking about, it’s a person.

You.

You know all those things we keep aspiring to be? All those places we keep aspiring to get to in our level of awareness? All those parts of ourselves we’re working on and trying so hard to overcome? All those things we’re constantly beating ourselves up about and trying to do differently?

That perfect version of ourselves that we're struggling to become.

What if you were already her? We do such damage to ourselves when we’re so hard on ourselves, berating ourselves for all the things we should have done differently, should have known better, should have seen coming, if only we were already there! But what if you were?

What if you already have everything you need to know within yourself, what if within you was everything you needed to be that beautiful, confident woman you want to be? To be that beacon radiating out your beautiful essence of who you truly are. What if all that was missing was simply for you to realize this to fill in that one missing piece?

You!

You see, I received a letter recently from one of our readers who was telling me of a trip she’s taking to a place where I had lived for a while. The memory of this place came crashing back to me, and along with it came the memory that the entire time I lived there it was for one reason and one reason only: to try to convince someone of my worth and why he should choose me.

For almost three long years that was my one and only purpose in life until I finally realized I couldn't make him love me the way I dreamed our future could be if only he would realize it, too.

The experience left my self-esteem and self-confidence in tatters. The memory got me thinking about what I would have done so differently now if only I had realized all that I've learned -and lived- since then.

I now know that I had it all within me even back then, I just hadn't realized it.

And that’s why I’m here to remind you of what you might not realize either.

Be that woman.

Be the woman who’s so confident, who’s so sure of herself and her power. What’s keeping you from seeing that? What’s keeping you from believing that? What’s holding you back from living like her? What’s stopping you from giving yourself permission to be her? Who are you allowing to hold this kind of power over you? Who are you letting define you and limit who you can be and what you can do?

You’re her, my beautiful friend. She’s already there.

Release her; release the you that you know is in there, and go out and create that beautiful life that’s just waiting for you to embrace it. It’s full of all the love in the world that’s ever been there for you, but it only begins when you tap into that overflowing cup of self-love for your true, beautiful self.

You can do this. You know you are this. You might not recognize her when you first catch a glimpse of her when she steps out like this, but trust me, you know her already.

She’s YOU!

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Am I Wasting My Time?

Her letter:

My Response:

How Self-Love Saved My Dating Life

You’re Already Her!

You.

You!

Be that woman.

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