Some recent questions I've gotten from a few of our beautiful readers are: How can I stop being so nice? How can I stop being so emotional? I want to be the dream girl, not the doormat!
Here's my response:
You are nice! You are emotional! Not only do you not need to stop, you need to love about yourself the very fact that you have these beautiful qualities!
You have the ability to feel, to empathize, to care, to love - and to do these all so deeply. These are special gifts you have to share with someone who is worthy of you! Someone who is looking for someone just like you because these are the qualities you possess. But when you are just getting to know someone, there's no possible way to know if this is someone you want to share these qualities – essentially, your YOU – with. You don’t know him well enough yet to know if this is someone you really want to have anything to do with at all!
I know how this happens because it used to happen to me all too often. Someone would come into my life and start paying so much attention to me that I was so flattered I would immediately start going into my programming. If he was confident, attractive and had those other surface factors that piqued my interest, I was there. I was showing him just how much of a catch I was, how much I had to offer him and giving him every reason to stop looking any further because I was everything he could possibly want in a girlfriend!
But there was something I had missed in this process. I wasn't taking my time to get to know him. I wasn't slowing things down to a speed that would allow me to do this. I was too excited, too caught up in his potential and the pace he was setting that I wasn't taking the time to figure out if he was really the right guy for me.
What I didn't now then that I do know now is that if he was the right guy for me, he wouldn't think I was too nice, or too emotional, in fact he would love those qualities about me!
This isn't about pretending to be something you’re not. While much of the popular dating advice centers around how to play it cool and how to play hard to get – where it falls short is that if you’re not there, if you’re not in that place in your life where you’re so confident of your worth and what you have to offer and you have enough of a life that behaving like this comes from your real self, pretending is going to have the opposite effect. You’re going to be acting like something you’re not, and so you’ll be attracting someone who is looking for this other person you’re pretending to be and not your beautiful true self!
You see, this isn't about you being too emotional, too nice, or not playing it cool enough. This is about you being who you really are!
It's also about guarding this beautiful heart and soul of yours and not giving yourself away to someone you don’t even know yet. It’s about being your true emotional self but also bringing in that practical side that we forget to bring along all too often so that she can give us her honest assessment of whether or not he’s worthy of all you have to offer him – because you do have so much to offer!
It’s not about playing hard to get, but actually being hard to get because you know that no man is worth dropping your own life, your own interests, your own friends and family for.
No matter how tempting it is for us to rush into things, to get so caught up in being in love and letting our emotions run wild because we’re so ready to be done looking for love, it's never worth it. The reality is that the only thing this kind of reaction does is get us so caught up in our fantasies - that are the farthest thing from reality - that we can’t get bring ourselves to get out once we’re in. And that’s what takes so much time!
Going through this process of falling so hard so fast and losing ourselves in another human being only to find out too late that you weren't on the same page, only hurts us in the end. Then we spend so much time in the recovery process – letting go and getting over someone who wasn't right for us if we had just taken the time in the beginning to find this out before investing so much of ourselves. It’s no wonder it’s hard to justify ending something that we've invested so much of ourselves in!
Take that time in the beginning. Slow things down. Make him wait for you. Keep living your own beautiful life that you've created for yourself and let him be a part of all this slowly enough so you can see just how compatible he really is with you. If he’s not the one for you, you want to find this out sooner, not later, before you've invested so much of your beautiful you!
It doesn't matter who he is, what he has to offer, or how much of a catch he seems to be; you’re the catch, my beautiful friend! You save your own beautiful, feeling, loving, giving self for someone who is looking for those qualities in you.
If he’s right for you and this is meant to be, there’s nothing you ever need to be except yourself. And that's true regardless of how nice, how emotional, or how whatever else you are!
I completely agree with this article, and it is something I am only recently realizing in myself. I listened to the other dating books that basically hinted at being passive aggressive to get what you want, and I really feel like that advice is what has caused so much problems for me in my potential and actual relationships. I mean for years. I am only recently coming to the understanding that I have to love and value my emotional self and niceness because it is who I am and they are very good qualities! I appreciate this article very much and feel it is a breath of fresh air. Only when you are being your true self can you even determine if your partner is the right match for you. Trust me, years of fighting and going back and forth is draining!
Thank you for adding to this conversation with your own personal experience, Kylie. It is usually only after we've tried everything else that we realize exactly what you did; it is only by being your beautiful true self that you will know if someone is truly right for you! Anything else is not sustainable and yes, absolutely draining!
I feel like I have been to nice to my boyfriend. I was busy when we first started seeing each other, in a way making him have to work to see me. Lately though I can tell I am being too nice. Offering to help pay for things and offering to come see him when he is sick. He even told me this past weekend that I was too nice and that he didn't feel like he was good enough for me. I can see potential in the relationship but I fear now I have done damage because I was too nice. I don't know if anyone can help but some advice would be helpful.
Don't be afraid you've done too much damage or that you've done anything else wrong, Jewels. None of us is perfect and we all have our own regrets about things we've done or wish we'd done differently. Start where you are today, right now, being your true self, being who you are and how you want this relationship to be with him. If you're nice, that's one thing. That's actually a beautiful quality to have! But the point is to keep things in balance and to make sure you're getting as much out of the relationship as you're putting into it.
It's not about playing any games; it's all about being your beautiful self and coming from a place that you have so much to offer that you can be truly confident in yourself and the gift you give someone just by being in their lives. Does that make sense? It isn't about a role you play or don't play; it isn't about being the perfect girlfriend. It's about loving, honoring and respecting yourself enough so that the real you feels safe to be who she is in a relationship with someone so that you will both know if you're compatible enough with each other to know if you're on the same page, if you want the same thing - essentially, if you're right for each other! That's what matters, and it's only by being yourself - and being confident of who you truly are! - that you'll know if you're right for each other.
That's what it's all about, Jewels; because that's how you'll know if someone is right for you. Not because you're too much or not enough of anything, but because who you are is exactly what someone else is looking for!
I read the title of the article and I thought to myself, "Do women really think there is such a thing?" Then I realized that some things that seem so second-hand to me, are real questions and concerns out there. I already had my answers to the question but you nailed them Jane PERFECTLY and with the right tone. Your answers were very good and I agree with them...nothing to add exactly to the question but maybe to a theme of gender roles and attributes:
Women have gifts that men don't and vice versa. They are there to create balance AND THEY PROMOTE CHEMISTRY. Women are supposed to be softer, gentle and nice in their OWN feminine way. Acting and behaving in the sex you were intended to are the elements to create chemistry with a NORMAL man. Never question the elements you have as being too abundant or insufficient. Stay soft...stay feminine...and keep listening to Jane!
Michael Knight & Damien Knight
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Yes, we really do think is there such a thing, Michael, and mostly because we've found this out - all too painfully - through our own firsthand experiences. Thanks for adding yet another perspective to the conversation; it is always interesting to discover how little we understand each other!
Jane: you have no idea how much I needed to read your beautiful thoughts on this topic today. I just deleted a man's phone number from my cell because I was starting to become obsessed with him in an attempt to feel better about myself and also distract myself from the pain my ex husband still elicits in me. I knew I was acting completely whacked but I couldn't get a handle on it.
You have helped me restore some calmness and self control. I was racing away from a painful past so quickly that i was about to run "smack dab" into a painful wall of reality. Thank you for loving insight.
I so hear what you're saying, Debbie; it's all too easy to go from one painful scenario to what seems like a better alternative, only to find yourself spinning back out of control with another scenario that seems to control you. You're not alone, my beautiful friend, and it will get better as you gently ask yourself what you really need here, and move in that direction of loving self-care for that tender wounded heart of yours. They can only have as much control over you as you let them. I'm so glad these thoughts were here for you today; thank you for taking the time to inspire me with your words! 🙂
Jane I love this line- "You’re going to be acting like something you’re not, and so you’ll be attracting someone who is looking for this other person you’re pretending to be and not your beautiful true self!" and this one "It's also about guarding this beautiful heart and soul of yours and not giving yourself away to someone you don’t even know yet." Well I loved the whole article but those 2 lines hit home, as did the title, as soon as I starting reading it I was thinking- yes, that describes me, nice and emotional...and I don't want to be a doormat.
I recently met 2 very different men online, one is more my type, the other is what I consider to be out of my league and with him I find myself wanting to adapt so I can fit into his world more. I don't mean that I'm pretending to be someone else but I see the qualities he has and admire his plans and ambitions... and like Jack Nicholson said in As Good As It Gets, he makes me want to be a better person. He asked me what I was looking for and after reading his lengthy, well thought out, descriptive email ( the best one I have ever read)... I wanted to say "you". That's why the second line I mentioned of your article hit home, but of course I didn't say that to him. I have a couple problems though... he's a lot younger than me (he knows my age but we haven't discussed the age difference). And I know other woman must be after him too, but we were emailing every day and now I haven't heard from him in a few days. He hasn't been on the dating website either, though.
I tell myself to be realistic and forget about him and just focus on the other guy, sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. I have recovered from a break up and don't want to get hurt again and it's just sooo great to feel happy and alive again, I don't want to lose that feeling. I have even cured my chocolate addiction without even realizing it!
I will keep referring back to this article because I know it's telling me what I need to hear. Thank you for being so awesome Jane, you have helped so many people!
I'm glad these lines hit home for you, Patty; and thank you so much for your kind words. I so hear you about feeling that wonderful feeling of being in love with your life - and how feeling wanted by someone! - can cure almost anything! The key is to make that feeling your own, where it doesn't matter if someone currently wants you or not, but where you want yourself, where you know the world wants you, where you know that so many men who you haven't even met yet want to be with you because you are that beautiful, and wonderful, and special just as you are. This way you own this feeling, you choose to keep it going, regardless of what someone else chooses to do. It takes daily affirmations and conscious reminders to ourselves to get to that point, but that's what we're working toward!
In the meantime, keep being your beautiful self, Patty, and if this younger guy is right for you, you'll know as you get to know each other more. Age, like anything else can be overcome if you're both on the same page, want the same thing with each other and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. And if he's not there, next! You only want someone who loves the essence of your beautiful you!
Thank you so much for your reply and helpful advice Jane. Yes, I agree, the only way to hold unto this feeling is to make that feeling my own. I have realized that I can't rely on other people for my own happiness, because then when I get the rug pulled out from underneath me I'll fall flat on my face (pun intended). Daily affirmations are a great idea, I already put a note on my fridge that reads " You are awesome!" And I found the perfect quote for today from Dr. Wayne Dyer- "I live my life in my own way. You can’t go around being what everyone wants you to be, living your life through other people’s rules, and still expect to be happy and have inner peace."
Love your affirmations, Patty; they really do make a difference. And thank you for sharing that quote; it's so very true!
We know this to be true Jane but you say it so well and with so much compassion that it really sinks right in. I have become so aware after reading your posts . This one in particular resonates with me . After going through the grieving and tears and loneliness of being divorced and alone, I have finally found myself looking in the mirror and finding that the person looking back at me isnt so bad after all. Thank you for being instrumental in my healing.
Exactly, Ann; each of us comes to this conclusion in our own way and in our own time, but once we do, as you say, you find out the truth about just how wonderful, how beautiful, how special you really are! And thank you for your beautiful words to me; I am so honored to be a part of your healing process and to see these words come to resonate with you!
Beautifully written and so true! X
Thank you, Sarah; I'm glad this resonated with you. 🙂
Personally I appreciate the "to nice" for a real relationship, but I know it doesn't work for dating. Its worse if you are a guy who is to nice.
unfortunately I found out at the wrong time.. I learned early "to nice" backfired, so I learned the game.
Wow, all the girl I wanted or should I say all the girls my friends wanted.
Then the Love of my life walks in and I loved her despite her faults but I also crushed on her like she was the best thing ever. And... I couldn't play the game, I could't even think normally when I was around her.
DUMPED "TO NICE"
Lesson learned : Being honest or to nice because you really care sucks. So if you can't play the game don't embarrass yourself especially for the love of your life.
Now I look forward to a "to nice" lady, if it's real
Know that she wasn't the love of your life, Dan; because if she was, she would have been looking for exactly who you are - without any game playing - and what you were giving her. The only mistake we sometimes make is coming on too strong before we give ourselves the time to really get to know someone and know for sure that they are worth you! But even then, with someone who is truly right for you, you will know because you will both be on the same page, looking for the same thing, and willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. I can't tell you how many times I wasn't ready for a nice guy simply because I wasn't yet there, I didn't know what I deserved, I didn't know I didn't have to make anyone love me, and I hadn't yet figured out that how someone treated me was the most important thing to look at in my relationships.
Don't take any of these past behaviors from women personally; if you're truly compatible with someone, you can never be too much of anything or not enough of something else. That's how you'll know you're with someone who's right for you and only you; because they'll love the real you! The only way to find this out is by being your true self, no matter what anyone else says or does. That "nice lady" is out there, Dan, and you'll know her because she'll be interested in the real "nice man" your true self is!