I saw her sitting there all alone today, watching all the couples laughing around her. She was still waiting for him to show … does she deserve this?
I saw her trying to hide the tears as she kept checking her phone for that message that never came … as she was silently wondering why he hasn't called...does she deserve this?
I heard her telling them he's been so busy at work lately, that's why she's there without him again, and she knew what they were thinking, even if they didn't say it out loud, because she thought it, too … does she deserve this?
I heard the door slams, the awful language, the harsh words, and then the pleading not to leave, as he left anyway … does she deserve this?
I heard her talking on the phone, telling him never to call her again, then I heard the sobs that came after she put her phone down when it all sunk in … does she deserve this?
I heard him telling her so many lies, stringing her along, for a reason that never makes any sense – but still she stays … does she deserve this?
You think it will be different this time, but you've chosen someone with the same story.
You think he will be different this time, but you've found someone who's actually the same guy as the last one, even though he's got a different name and a different look.
You think it's going to get better if you just give it a little more time.
You think he's going to come around and make a commitment to you if you just hang on a little longer.
It's time to stop believing so much in him, and start believing in someone who is worth believing in – YOU.
You choose, you decide.
The only person who can change this is you.
This is an outstanding article Jane!!! This was something that I was going through recently. I kept getting these mix signals from this guy. We would talk, but he would never try to get together. I just couldn’t understand why he would be so into our conversations but never ask me to get together. At first I thought that maybe it was me…maybe I wasn’t giving him the signals that showed I was interested (even though I thought I did), and then I made up excuses for him saying well “guys don’t like to plan far in advance, so he will ask eventually” or “he is on vacation, so that is why he isn’t trying to get together or contacting me”, etc. Then it hit me that if someone is interested in you, they will be determined in getting together with you. They will take the initiative to make plans with you and make time for you, and he just wasn’t doing that. It was then that I realized I should stop waiting around for him, stop hoping the next text message I received was from him asking to get together, and hoping that one of these days he would just realize how awesome I am and ask me to hang out. I had to put an end to waiting for him, and most importantly, I knew I deserved better. I deserve someone who is going to be excited to talk to me, keep the conversation going, make time for me, and treat me like a queen. As much as it sucked to face the reality of the situation (because he had so many qualities I wanted in a guy), I needed to let him go, which I did a couple of days ago. Well, the funny part is that when I went out the next day guess who I saw??—yes, it was that guy, and guess what he was doing??…he had his arm around one girl (which they exchanged numbers after) and 10 minutes after that he was talking to another girl. He never came off as the player type, but he definitely showcased that. I feel bad for those girls because just like them I was in their shoes and they probably will be wondering the same thing: “why hasn’t he asked me to get together.” I was so so so thankful that I got to see this tonight because I no longer have to wonder what his intentions are or if he will ever ask me to hang out, and I don’t need to make up excuses for him. I can finally face the reality of the situation. This just comes to show that when you feel like something isn’t right (like how I felt) or if you have to constantly question your relationship, then just know that your gut is correct and don’t try to fight the feeling and make up excuses and hold on longer. Face the reality of the situation and move on to the next guy. Who knows, the next guy you meet could be your husband ---and wouldn’t that be ashame if you missed out on that or delayed the process because you were stuck hanging onto something that would never treat you that way you deserve to be treated.
Also, ladies when it is meant to be, you don’t have to overanalyze everything you said or didn’t say because the truth is when it is meant to be, you two will be together no matter what. You shouldn’t have to force it or convince him that you are good enough for him---he should know how awesome you are and go the extra mile to make sure you know that!! If it didn’t work out, then don’t get upset, just know something better is coming your way—better than you ever imagined for yourself! 🙂
Thanks for adding so much to this conversation, Tina; I'm so glad you were able to see for yourself the truth of what was really going on with your guy while you were still able to see the situation so objectively. There's always a reason for someone's behavior, if we're just open to seeing what it is. And yes, there is always something better coming your way when you can let go of what isn't right for you - you've got it! 🙂
I've been seeing this guy for about a yr an a half all of sudden one evening he tells me over the phone his ex girlfriend is back with her lil girl and shes staying with him she begged him cried to take her back etc. etc. So where did it leave me in the back burner...I'm so hurt lost devastated he knew what I had been thru in my past that I didn't want to get involved with no one for the same reasons but I fell in love with him I gave myself to him completely & now its like Betrayal once we again. .. He was with this girl for four yrs living together plans to marry but one day she decided to leave him packed her stuff & her lil girl and left him for someone else she took his money everything he did for her etc.. so he says he was devastated and now she's back like if nothing ..I just don't get it how some one accepts someone back like that I Wouldn't dare ask my ex for help much less beg him back... Now he calls me every day he texts me we went out on evening to talk and I had one & a million questions for him it hurted me to ask & know answers but it had to be done face to face since he couldn't face me that night she came in his life supposeably .. So im so confused hurt lost after 5-6 yrs of me not going out much less seeing anyone I was left devasted from a past relationship of 12yrs he cheated lied I just lost trust & believe so I kept to myself & made sure I wouldn't get hurt again & now I took my chances with this guy in every way &I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone what's wrong with me? .Could use your advice& help.....
There is nothing wrong with you, Edna. And you are so much more than good enough! These guys are not good enough for you! If someone could go back to his ex like this when he is with you for as long as he was, it is the very best thing that you find this out now before you spend any more time with him. There is no explanation that could explain how someone could ever put you on the back burner, Edna. Don't allow yourself to go there with him. If someone isn't looking for the same thing from you as you are from them, as hard as it can be to accept this, it's always easier to accept it than to fight it. You can't change someone, you can't make someone love you. But more importantly, you never need to try to convince anyone to be with you if they're the right one for you.
I know how hard it is to believe all this when you're in it so deep and you feel like this is your pattern, and you start believing there really is something wrong with you because it's all you've known in your relationships. But, my beautiful friend, it's never about the rejection you feel. It's always about them, and where they're at; the only thing you did was to choose to be with someone who couldn't give you what you deserve. We can hold on so long to something that our only fault was not ending right away when the first subtle signs began to appear.
You'll get better at this, Edna. It's about putting yourself first and looking at dating as a chance for you to get to know someone slowly and weed out the ones you don't want as soon as you discover you're not on the same page so that you can save your time and energy - and your beautiful you! - for someone who's truly worthy of you! You have so much to offer, so much to give someone who is ready and looking for you; don't let your past limit what you believe in, and don't buy into those lies that ever say you're not good enough. What you have to offer is priceless; don't let anyone into your life who gives you reason to feel otherwise. It's that trusting, forgiving, understanding soul of yours that you need to guard and not give away to anyone who isn't worthy of you!
Hi Jane!
Thank you SO SO much for writing this article. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have stumbled onto this website. These are things that I 100% needed to hear right now. I have literally been crying for 2 days now because there is this guy (my neighbor) who I have known for a year now. We are both 21 and I have liked him ever since I met him. He finally kissed me a few months ago and since then we've only done that, but we've gone on so many dates. I've been in a whirlwind not knowing if he was just interested in hooking up with me or if he was interested in more commitment. I'm a long-term kind of a girl and I don't date around. I over thought and overanalyzed this whole situation. I have been wanting to ask him what we are and a few nights ago he wanted to talk (which was the first time he has ever said that or brought anything up) and he was so nervous but told me that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship because he's busy with work but I am "perfect girlfriend material" etc etc. It totally crushed me because I hoped there was a chance that he would want to take things to the next level. Then he asked me if I still wanted to hook up and stuff and I said no way, I'm not like that. I said we're not on the same page and we should just be friends and left. After all this I still feel so hurt and still finding myself wanting him, as pathetic as that sounds!! I haven't heard from him since. What do you think I should do at this point?
Don't be so hard on yourself here, Kendra; you had a dream of what you wanted this relationship to look like with him, and now, to find out that the two of you are in different pages is a huge reality check for you. Of course you're disappointed and still find yourself wanting to be with him. He hasn't changed, but now you know where he stands, so something has changed. You called it exactly as it is; you are not on the same page and you are not willing to still "hook up and stuff", because you want more, you aren't willing to settle for less than a real relationship, and you never have to with someone who is truly right for you!
Let yourself be disappointed; allow yourself to cry those tears and feel your pain, but then take a moment to look at the reality of what really is going on here. Both of you want different things from each other right now, both of you are on different pages. Ask yourself how that can really work, how two people can be happy with each other if they both want different things that the other person isn't capable of giving the other if they are true to their own selves? Isn't it so much better to know this now, to be honest with each other so that you don't put each other through the misery of playing games, wondering if, hoping, hanging on, watching what you say, second-guessing everything, overthinking everything in the hopes that this will work out? I know it's hard to look at it like this when your heart is breaking, but be so glad that he was honest with you and didn't just lead you on, wasting your time and energy hoping for something to happen with someone who wasn't wanting the same thing. This truly is a gift, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
Know that if he changes his mind and decides he is ready for what you're looking for, you will be the first to know, Kendra, and you can decide what you want to do then. But this is about you being strong enough to stand up for yourself and what you want your life to look like, and what you are and are not willing to accept. This isn't a rejection of you, it is simply about you and him wanting different things. Now you are free to put your time and energy into someone who is on your page, who you don't have to be anything except yourself with to make it work. If something is meant to be it always is, Kendra, but only if both people are on the same page and want the same thing.
Thanks so much for the response Jane. It is definitely hard to see it from that perspective but what you say makes total sense. I think it will take a while for me to fully move on, but with your help, it's already getting easier!
A wonderfully written article that so hits home for many of us.....thank you again as always Jane for sharing your wonderful stories!
Thank you for your kind words, Melanie; as always.
Thank you Jane for this article today. Just what I needed to read. I'm feeling so sad and broken hearted over a guy who I haven't communicated with in over 3 weeks. I miss his company and being close to him, but he treated me terribly. I keep wondering if I'll hear from him, but what if I do? Am I going to allow myself to continue to be treated the same way? I'm finding it hard to believe that the right guy is out there for me and so I find myself holding on to the hope that he will come around. I'm finding it so hard to move on and get him out of my system. Your words are helping me to see clearer.
So glad this is resonating with you right when you need it, Renee. My heart goes out to you, my beautiful friend, because I know what it's like to feel that way. To feel like even though it's awful, it's something, and at least you're not alone.
I know it's so hard to have the hope of someone else when you're in it, when you're still hanging on. It's only when you're finally free that you will experience the reality of all that really is out there waiting for you - and most of all, you, your beautiful you, is waiting for you to take her along on a beautiful adventure of a life you create for yourself.
He isn't life, Renee; you are. Moving on is always a process; two steps forward, often one step back, and so many tears that fall to help heal. You'll get there. The way is always through, but when you get to the other side, I promise you that you will look back on this and wonder what you ever saw in him and why you allowed him to affect you like this. But for now, it's ok, just focus on taking care of sweet, giving, loving you!
Love this piece, like so many of them, but this one is so visual and poetic. Hits it home just like always! Seems like the trouble with these lessons is that people cannot learn them until they're ready, no matter how much friends and family try to help you see the light. I've been in that spot and being on the other side of it is just as frustrating sometimes. It makes me realize a lot of the times I'd think, oh they don't know us/him, yes he was just like so many others like you said. And this is true for both sexes, now that I'm on the other side of things I'm noticing a lot more that there are many men that are insecure and co-dependent. They don't know what to do with themselves if they have to be alone. But most people can't see the light until they open their own eyes, and I hope your articles "click" for so many people that are in those shoes because your words are so true. Thanks again for sharing!
Thanks, Kristy! What you say is so true; when you're in it, when you're in that space that resonates with so many of us, it is so hard to see it, so hard to see anything but the way we do no matter what any tries to tell us - just like you say here. Eventually, when it's all finally too much and we can no longer live in denial, when we are finally open to consider the reality of what is instead of the fantasy of what we want it to be, we see. But as you say, only in our own time.
SMH! This was me few years back before I embark on a marvellous journey with Jane.I stopped to believe his lies.I always think he will change. thinking that he is the only thing ever happen to my life.. Now I know better.
Love hearing this from you, Kesa. What you've come to realize is no small thing; be so proud of yourself for being able to see clearly like this now! You inspire me 🙂