I remember that feeling oh so well. The fear that would come after reading yet another book, after hearing yet another speaker. There always seemed to be something else I was supposed to be doing, or not doing. Something else I was doing wrong. And that's when it would set in. The fear.
What if I had missed my chance by not doing what I was supposed to be doing? What if it was too late and I had already sealed my fate?
I couldn't shut out the fear. The fear of being alone forever and never finding someone who would love me for me.
Whenever I was alone it would set in and I would just wallow in this big giant lake of doubt, drowning in it. With every new book I was only finding myself growing more and more fearful that I would never be able to figure it out and finally get it right!
I just wasn't getting it at all, and sometimes I felt like I was even going backwards.
Did that mean it was all over for me – or at least in this lifetime?
Ackkk!
It was a downward spiral.
So much to focus on, so much to not focus on, so much to try to change, so much programming to try to reverse. It just felt overwhelming.
Once again I was believing that everyone else has it in them but me. Everyone else must be able to do this except me.
And so I felt more alone, more scared, more doubtful and more fearful that I would ever get this right. I was caught in a downward spiral.
Until I read that I just needed to stop being afraid. Completely overwhelmed, I surrendered to God, to the Universe, to whatever it is that's out there and let it be known that I just couldn't do this anymore. I was tired of being afraid.
Then something clicked.
It was like a light switch suddenly being turned on.
And that's when I started to live. I realized that this fear had been such a central part of my life that had been controlling so many of my decisions (and indecisions). Something about recognizing it, acknowledging it, realizing the hold it had on me and finally surrendering to it brought it down to size. It was then on a level that I could see it clearly without letting it rule my life.
I could now acknowledge those fears as they came up, but I was in control now of how much I would allow them to affect me or how much I would believe what they were saying. I could finally look them in the eye and tell them they were wrong.
I knew the truth.
I was lovable, I was beautiful, I was attractive, I was worthy, and I did deserve to be loved. I was finally able to see this for myself, no matter what those nasty voices of fear were whispering in my ear.
And I want to tell you right now, in no uncertain terms, that it's the same for you, my beautiful friend. All of your doubts and fears don't have to control you and your life for even one more moment. It's time to see just how much control you have over those fears. It's time to acknowledge them, accept them for what they are, and then let them go.
They are not you. They don't define who you are.
They are only the manifestation of our culture, the media, the well-meaning people in your life, and your past programming. They can no longer dictate what happens to you.
Living with fear at the root of your reality is no way to live.
I know it and you know it.
It all begins with that same simple word – enough.
Acknowledge, accept, and then let it go. Fear is only as big as we make it in our minds and that's the only place it exists. There is so much more to life and love than this, and there is so much more to come for you.
Don't let those fears get in the way of all that you deserve, all that you already have, and all that is still waiting for you.
hello jane, at first i want to say that thank you for giving us an idea how does fear made us miserable in life.
Now that i knew about FEAR is just like in our mind, we allow it because we don't have the courage to fight it back.
In my recent situation, am really struggling so much of my fear, i have this fear inside me, that i can't move on with my life.to make my life meaningful..i wanted to grow in a relationship that i always prayed. but i felt like i can't make it, because something bothering me that i can't make it.i felt like im running for something that i don't know. i had a nun friend she kept on telling me before that i would enter their congregation but for i wanted to have a family. this is the start that i have fear for anything. i can't move forward because if i will do something i always think of it maybe this is the way that i will go for them. please help me to understand myself and give insights how to face this fear that i have so that i will continue my life with meaning.
My beautiful friend, the only thing that is getting in your way of releasing these fears and living that life that is just waiting for you to see it, is you! You can do this! You are that strong. You have everything you need right where you are, in your heart of hearts, but I suspect that you were never given permission to shine, let alone encouraged to be that amazing women you are. We become so fearful when we have been brought up to be perfect, to be who someone else wanted us to be, that when we are finally old enough to be all that we are and find our dreams and live that life, we are afraid of shining too brightly. It's that little girl inside you that you need to reach, Angel. She's the courageous one who isn't afraid of anything and knows what she's capable of. She believes in you. She believes her dreams can still come true. She's the one who's trying to turn your doubts into beliefs. Start by writing your fears down one by one. What are you really afraid of and what is at the root of each of those fears? Who gave you those fears? Who put those fearful thoughts in your head? Who are you afraid of disappointing? Who is it you feel you have to measure up to? Who is living your life instead of you? Who have you given your beautiful power away to? Why?
No one knows you better than you do, Angel. Not this nun who somehow thinks she can predict your future when it's not even her life, not anyone else who thinks they have some right to tell you what you should or shouldn't do or what you will or won't become. Do not give away your power to them for one more moment! You choose the life you want! You choose the way you want to live it and whatever that looks like, it doesn't matter to anyone else except you! You are the only one you are accountable to, Angel, and the way you choose to live your life isn't something that anyone can scare you into if you don't allow them that kind of power in the first place.
Take your life back, Angel, begin by writing down all those beautiful and desirable qualities you possess that make you uniquely you. Who are you really? What do you like to do? What are you passionate about? Write down a simple sentence that emulates your new belief system - I deserve to be loved and so I am loved by those people who I choose to allow in my life - or something along those lines so that eventually those thoughts replace the other negative thoughts that drive the fears that are really lies. You know who you are; you just haven't felt free to truly be yourself and give yourself permission to live this beautiful life only you can live!
Focus on just one day at a time; the future will feel scary if you look to far ahead. This is going to be new for you to trust yourself, to believe in yourself, to shut out all the other voices in your head and around you that you have allowed to influence the way you live. They don't know anything more than you do, Angel. They have no right to judge who you are or what your life will look like. You choose. And don't allow anyone to tell you otherwise. Surround yourself with people who support you and give any naysayers as much space as possible. You don't need anyone in your life who doesn't believe in you and encourage you to be all that you are and live the life you were born to live! There is no fear in love; if someone truly loves and cares about you, Angel, they will want what's best for you even if it's not what they want. That's the only kind of love and support you want in your life.
It takes practice letting go of the fear but you can do it, Angel. Fear isn't part of your birthright, love is. It's time to let go of the hold fear has on you. It's time to be selfish and focus on the beautiful woman known as you who never, ever needs to prove your worth! You hold the key, Angel. Always remember that there's nowhere that fear exists except in your own mind - even if you can't see that yet. You will, my beautiful friend. And you are more than enough!
Jane! I've been reading your posts for the last few weeks and let me tell you- your perspective and insight have helped me so much! Trusting that what is meant to work out and meant to happen WILL eventually happen is such an incredible feeling. I just so happen to work with my recent ex and have been fighting with him a LOT lately and reading what you say has made me realize that love always wins! It's been the only thing getting me through my shifts while he is bullying me. I'm a very strong individual and I don't get down on his negativity but I do get UP on your words of wisdom. I stumbled upon this site somehow and have referred my fellow 25-30 year old friends and they all love it too. The way you word things is like you are speaking what we are thinking and we love it!!! Are you happily married now or what!? We want to know your story!!!!!!!!!! <3
I'm so glad to hear this is resonating with you, Aubrey! Thank you so much for your kind words and for spreading the word about my site. You inspire me!
And yes, after years of thinking there was something wrong with me and fearing that I would never, ever get it right, I finally figured all this out and have been happily married for over a decade now - you can read the specifics on the "About" tab on the website! 🙂
Letting go , of anything to do with love , is and has always been a major thing with me . I will allow men to treat me rather badly , and then talk myself into saying that it's ok , I don't really have anything to offer them , so if I want them to be with me , I will take them to dinner , and to a show ,and the movies . I will treat them to a week end away in the most wonderful places , all they have to do is be there with me .
And then , one day as you say , it just hits you like a slap in the face , and you think what on earth am I doing ....
I am just looking for someone to love me for who I am , and I think I am a pretty good woman .
Why is it so difficult , because , we are afraid that no one will see the wonderful people we are .
I want to be accepted . I want to be loved , but I'm afraid of another failure . Because I don't think I can handle it .
No matter what anyone says
My beautiful friend, you are so much more than "a pretty good woman".
Come with me for a moment to the nearest mirror and let me show you what I know is true.
I know you have a beautiful smile that can light up a room when you're feeling your true power. I know you have sparkling eyes that are the windows to that beautiful loving, caring soul of yours that gives so deeply to those who aren't worthy of what you offer. I know you have a priceless open heart that gives and gives and gives until it hurts you to give anymore. I know without a doubt, Tez, that this beautiful woman looking back at you that so wants to believe, to trust, to know that there's more to love and life than this, has so much to offer someone who is truly worthy of you!
Because it's true of all of us when we believe it. When we stop settling for less than we deserve and refuse to exchange ourselves for the company of someone who doesn't deserve us just to be with someone. You don't have to prove your worth to anyone, Tez. If anyone is fortunate enough to be with you, they are the ones who are so fortunate to be in your company - not the other way around.
You don't have to believe me, Tez, but I want you to believe someone who does know just how true this all is - you! You know this, Tez. That little girl deep down inside you knows all of this, and hasn't given up that you're going to give her a chance to let her voice be heard and tell you the truth that she knows is the truth! About you, about all that you are, about all that you have to offer, about the gift you are to someone who's actually worthy of you!
I know just how hard it is to believe this when you're so afraid of getting hurt again, witnessing another failed relationship when you don't feel like you can handle even one more. It's never easy to get our hopes up, to let our guards down. Especially when you've been beaten down time and again, and you no longer believe it when anyone says that there is someone still out there for you who will love you for you, who will accept you and love all those little things about you.
I know you get lonely, I know you get tired of waiting, I know it seems worse to not have anyone in your life than to have someone who is at least with you. I know you've got what seems like a million stories to support why you're right - that you're not worth more than what you've been getting. But it's not true, Tez. The reason why these relationships haven't worked out is because these men weren't the right ones for you. They couldn't last, they couldn't be what you wanted them to be because you weren't on the same page as any of them, even though that's not what it felt like to you when they ended.
No one will see that wonderful, beautiful, desirable woman you are unless you see her first, Tez. Begin every morning writing down everything wonderful about you. Write down every single amazing quality you possess, everything that makes you uniquely wonderfully you. Write it out on beautiful paper with a beautiful pen and keep writing every day when you first wake up and every night before you fall asleep until those words come to life for you and you actually can say I am this, I am that, I have this to offer, I have this special gift - because every single one of us has something to offer that no one else can. It's about attracting the ones who are right for you and avoiding the ones who are not. It's about gaining that kind of irresistible confidence that comes from understanding that all you need to do is to find someone who is looking for someone exactly like you, and all that requires is you getting that picture of who you really are from your own words in your head and in your heart.
Eventually, when you've written these words down so many times and spoken them in your head as you write them, eventually, even your own worst inner critic won't argue with you anymore. These words will finally ring true, and that beautiful woman known as you will finally see what everyone else has seen all along. Take it slow, see it as an adventure, a chance to get to know someone who might - or might not - be compatible with you. Don't do them any favors. Don't give yourself away. Don't commit to anyone anymore then he's committing to you, and see what shows up. Know that these past relationships haven't been failures, Tez, they've saved you from a future with someone who wasn't right for you!
My fear is not about myself, but about not meeting someone I am attracted to. I am 55 with two failed marriages and several failed relationships. My last relationship lasted 3 years before I finally walked away because he cold not ever tell me he loved me. He was and is emotionally unavailable. I have met and dated some pretty wonderful guys, but I just don't feel the chemistry and can't make myself feel it. I fear I will never find another I was attracted to like the EU guy who just couldn't love me back. What is wrong with me? I am beginning to feel a bit shallow even though I know I'm really not. Sometimes I feel doomed.
There's nothing wrong with you, Brenda - even if it feels that way sometimes. It's hard to break a pattern of being attracted to men who aren't right for us, who can seem so different in the beginning, only to reveal their similarities in the end. And I understand just how frustrating it is to find that after doing so much work on yourself, to find yourself still attracting and attracted to these types that still don't work out in the end. I know it feels like a stretch to keep seeing the gift in the relationship that didn't work out - when it happens over and over again.
And I so understand that feeling when someone is so nice, such a "good guy", so different from the rest, but when you just aren't feeling it and can't keep faking it. I get it, Brenda. And no, you're not shallow, you're just human. If it's not there, it's not there. Don't make this feel like work. It's not. It's about weeding out who you're not compatible with so you can focus on finding those that you are. If you've figured out the emotional availability trigger for you and know where that comes from, the next step is to narrow down what you've found attractive in these men in these past relationships - which, by the way, aren't failed relationships - if they had lasted any longer than they did, you'd only have been that much more miserable in the end. We learn, we grow. We're human, and relationships with people who aren't ultimately on the same page as us aren't meant to work no matter who we are or what we do to try to keep them going.
Look closely at what these qualities are; sometimes what attracts us to someone of the opposite sex is really just something that we lack in ourselves that we want more of in our lives. If this is the case, often we overlook all the things that aren't compatible between the other is just too strong of a pull. But in reality, if we develop those qualities in ourselves, we wouldn't find ourselves so attracted to these types. It can different things, too; it doesn't have to be the same things in everyone.
You're not doomed, Brenda; but maybe what you're looking for isn't what you really want in a long-term relationship. You want chemistry, yes, but know that chemistry is more about opposites than about compatibility. Figure out what your priorities are; it sounds like chemistry is at the top of your list, so what's after that? Name the next most important must-have and then look for that. Don't go further down those lists - that can get so long! - until you've found someone with that. Chemistry and your next quality is enough to look out for. And then get involved with those things and going to those places that someone like him and someone like you would be doing and going to - the places and activities and adventures that reflect your true self. And reverse the terms failure and call them successes - after all, my beautiful friend, you were successful if you made it through as long as you did, not the other way around!
Hi Jane
I have often written to you to tell you how your posts inspire me, and today I am so happy to say that you have become a dear friend for my 23 year old daughter as well. i am so happy that she is reading and learning from your posts and even sharing them because i see them on her facebook page. Just wanted to repeat my thank you for all the encouragement.
You have no idea how much that means to me to hear that, Ann. We learn so many of these lessons the hard way, most of us later on in life, that to hear your beautiful young daughter has a chance to learn these things early on before she has to learn them the hard way, gives me such hope that young women today might not have to go through so much of the struggle and pain and heartbreak that we've gone through. Thank you for sharing this and always inspiring me with your updates 🙂