He's everything you've been looking for in a man except for one important thing; he's not looking for a commitment. In fact, he's upfront and honest enough with you to let you know this right from the start. All he's looking for is a friend with benefits relationship. And so, like so many of us who think we can settle for this, we agree. We can do it. We're up for it. Because in the back of our minds, we secretly believe we can convince him to change his mind and make a commitment to us. But it rarely ever works out this way because we forget one important thing – we can't really do this.
We aren't wired for it
We think we can do this. He's so attractive; we're so attracted to him. We convince ourselves that we're not ready to settle down yet anyway. We fool ourselves into believing we can give our bodies away like this, reaping all the physical benefits – and yes, there are many – but we forget that we can't separate our bodies from our hearts and souls like we believe we can. We can say we can keep it physical, we can say that this is a perfect arrangement for us because we're so busy, we're so picky, we're so whatever, but at the end of the day, what we really are is so alone.
It's lonely
We think it's better than nothing. We think it's more than we've got now. We think that at least he wants to be with us like this when he could have picked anyone for this role. We think that it means he at least thinks something of us. But all these become excuses to allow someone to use us, someone to keep us romanticizing the relationship even if we convince ourselves we're not. And when we see our girlfriends with their boyfriends, we remind ourselves that we've got someone, too. Except we really don't. We're alone. Just try asking him to accompany you to the wedding you've been invited to, or your nephew's birthday party. Sure, he might have a great excuse that sounds believable, but the reality is, you're on your own.
It takes away our self-esteem
How can you feel good about yourself when you're settling for someone who doesn't want all of you? Even if you agreed to it. How can you feel good about yourself when you know you're settling for this? No matter what you say to convince yourself that this is working for you, that it's better than nothing or that it's really like a relationship – or whatever words you choose to use, the reality is, my beautiful friend, it's crushing your self-esteem and you deserve so much more than this. That's why you can't do this.
Because by settling like this, even if you call it something else, you bring yourself down and you use that time and energy you would be spending on someone looking for the same thing you are – including a commitment – wasting away with someone who couldn't really care less. He's got what he wants - what motivation is there for him to give you anything more? He knows if you're in this position in the first place, he doesn't need to do anything more! He has no incentive to give you the relationship you're really looking for from him if you were honest with yourself.
Unless you're the rare exception
So yes, because I know how much you want to believe you could be that exception to the rule, you could be. Now that he knows how wonderful and amazing and incredible you are, he could decide that he's ready for more and give you what you've been looking for, but that's usually more along the lines of a fairy tale – and we all know the reality of those.
Just say no
It's not a cliché, it's a powerful word that lets him know what you will and will not accept. It sets boundaries, draws a line in the sand and lets him know in no uncertain terms, that you are worth so much more than this – and you know it. And that's the point. Yes, it may be a missed opportunity. Yes, it might seem better than being completely alone. And yes, we all know that women have a sex drive too and have the same rights as men do in the bedroom, but does a FWB relationship really honor and respect that beautiful woman known as you? Or does it put you back even further as you engage with someone who takes from you while you give to him even as you tell yourself it's an equal relationship?
Only you know what you truly deserve; but trust me when I say that you deserve so much more than a friends with benefits relationship - it doesn't matter who he is.
My fwb situation is a little different. In the beginning he was my rebound, and i was rude to him. He's also a player and loves his freedom. I left him 7 times, dated around and he knew it.
I decided to enjoy and live in the moment with him. Our sex and chemistry was intense. We mostly didnt go out because we love to stay in but we did go on a few dates and i met his friends once. Lots of pda, his friends tought we are married lol
So aftee 3 years of this casual nonsense, he told me he loved me.
I dont know if we'll be able to do the switch and maki it official.
Sometimes all is not black and white, relationships have shades of colors.
The secret is to have a life and low expectations. Enjoy what he has to offer without complaining. If it doesnt suit you anymore than leave.
All these women stayed because there was something there for them, and no better prospect unfortunatly.
Don't expect change. Men hate to be pressured. Enjoy him and your own life, women should not say i love you or ask for commitment. It his job to lock us out.
Wishing everyone love xxx
After the breakdown of my 12 year marriage which I ended as was unhappy, met a guy who I had known 25 years previously we dated when we were teenagers. We met up to catch up ended up sleeping together, he said the first time we can't fall in love, as he doesn't want to hurt me or him get hurt, 11 months later we still see each other once a week ring or text everyday. I told him at about 9 months I loved him, he just said he cared deeply about me but wasn't strong enough for a relationship. It's not just sex sometimes when I sleep over we just cuddle and hold each other all night. Last week when I was a sleep he kissed my nose and whispered I love you, but he still can't commit don't know what to do. Completely in love with the guy.
I'm struggling in one of these types of "relationships" right now. We never agreed upon a FWB deal but I learned quick that's what it was for him, and I of course ended up hurt because I truly liked him for more. It's a crappy feeling, and letting go is hard as well:(
I've been in a fwb thing for 3 years. He tells me he loves me, we see each other at my house only about 4 times a week. He spends the night every time. He texts me and sometimes calls me during the day to ask how my day is or what I'm doing. I confide in him, he listens and is there for me if something happens and I need him. When we are together it is the best feeling. I love him, we have the best sex but that's it. We have never gone on a date. EVER. I had a boyfriend of 1 year during this time and cheated on him with my fwb because we couldn't stay away from each other. I eventually got caught. He had a girlfriend when we met and I found out 3 months into it but he wouldn't leave me alone and they did break up. Two summers ago he got me pregnant and he was with her at the time. He bailed on me when I told him I was pregnant but came back two weeks later. I wrote his girlfriend a message and told her everything. He tells me exactly what I want to hear. He recently suggested we move somewhere together. He has made hotel reservations and plans with me to go on little get aways I don't know how many times only to cancel at the very last minute. I need to get out of this but it's like a drug. He makes me feel like I am not good enough to date and this is all I'm good for. I have tried blocking his number but I always unblock it because I want to hear from him. I want him to want me. It's pathetic. I need help
Omg you're story is crushing. I can totally relate to this rollercoster of emotions.
You have very good reason to leave him, and it's that he isn't reliable. The fact that he dated onother girl on the side says a tone about him. Also, he clearly knows what to do to make you happy but he clearly doesn't love you or his ex, just himself.
He is playing you, then he feels bad about it, makes promises and plays you again.
Please don't have a baby with him.
I have nothing against fwb as long as there is 100% honesty, and no false promises. You don't need a jerk that can't make up his mine.
Xxx
I met up with an old school friend about 2 yrs ago and we went out doing stuff together and ended up sleeping with each other as well over this 2 yr period.
We had weekends away and when I made comments about stuff that she liked and I didnt she would just get funny and go silent on me for a while.
She said once how she liked a particular film and i said it was rubbish and the next day she said to me, that me saying that upset her. Im thinking what, thats just my view, we dont all have to like the same things in life.
I also got on one occasion that she said I made her unhappy, to which I said then what on earth are you doing here with me.
We had a weekend in London and lost our way so i suggested we ask someone and she got all defensive and funny and said no in an abrupt manner.
Last June for her birthday I bought her a £50 voucher to which she gave me back at xmas time, to which I felt a bit hurt by as it felt it was being chucked back in my face, even though she said she hadnt done it to upset me.
We have talked on facebook a lot just about general stuff but sometimes I got the feeling she wouldn't really want to talk to me anymore and I would feel I had done something wrong.
She was supposed to have come and seen me on holiday for one day but never turned up and never even had a text to say she wasn't coming, and never heard from her at all that week. When I asked her about it she said she hadnt been well that week and her phone was off for some peace, however which I beg to differ as she has two boys aged 18 and 15. Even though she told one of my work colleagues she wasn't coming to see me and told my parents several months after that she didnt turn up as she only had one day off. So there was 3 different stories or lies in other words!
I got angry and upset when I was asking her stuff on facebook ,she would avoid my questions, so deleted her as I felt it was being a one sided friendship. The final facebook message I sent was, I cant be doing with being messed about and I need to move on with my life and wished her good luck for the future and hope one day we can have a friendship back.
The next day I had a text from her saying " Thanks". I said to her we need to talk to which she agreed and I said I didn't want to fall out with her but she said if I didn't why did I delete her on facebook, to which I said I need time to sort my head out and she said I if I wanted more I should have had the guts to have said etc etc and the trouble with me is I didn't do anything when it was right there in my face, to which I disagree as to me she had been blowing hot and cold all the time.
Afterwards when I did try to arrange a meeting to talk I would always get "Im busy".
I left her with a final text saying, How I felt about her was eating me up inside and that I wanted her in my life and that deleteing her off of facebook made me upset and tearey eyed so must show something of how I felt towards her.
Update approx 8 months on. She sent me a birthday card with a gift voucher which she sent 2 weeks late and said she came looking for me to let me have it, Mmm yeh Im sure you did! We have hardly spoke to each other, we're still not friends on facebook either. I can assume that is the finish of it all.
I suppose at the start of it when we we're just friends she told me that she treated guys like c**p and that all she wants is sex and none of the emotional stuff.
I also found that I can only assume she made up stories, as once she said she was in hospital to which I said you should of said and I would have come and saw you and she was shocked by that answer and said, Really u would have come and seen me. I never did find out if she was in there and never told me.
It is hard to let go of someone you care for but when I look back at things maybe it is for the best just to let go.
I have sent her the very odd message on facebook to which she does reply but after the first reply at the end of it she always puts "take care", its like she just wants to get rid of me.
Im not sure if she is just emotionally unavailable or what but I think she will end up a very sad and lonely person.
If this is really making you unhappy, you can remove yourself from this, cut contact entirely and start your healing, reflecting and learning from this. What you wrote is not a friendship whatsoever, much less a relationship that adds to anyone's life.
If she's emotionally unavailable, if she lies, if she doesn't care, that's on her and has nothing to do with you. Why on earth would you stick around? You need to take care of yourself and your own life and when you're ready, start choosing a partner that is healthier, wants the same things you want and with you. It's a two way street, otherwise you have nothing and you need to move on.
Thanks Angel for your reply.
I should of also seen a red flag when at the start of it, one of the first things she said is have you heard anything about me. I think she has had this behaviour a very very long time and treats the men she has been with the same.
I even booked a 13 ngt Canary Island cruise for us, AI from Southampton for October which I was happily going to pay for at a cost of approx £3000, but said we would both need to help pay for spending money and any trips. I paid the £300 deposit last year so had to lose that when I had to cancel it a few weeks ago.
You know what when I booked that last year, I told her I booked it and there was no emotion of any sort there, not even a happy emotion.
I admit when it all went wrong I was so upset and gutted, I just thought, is it me, has she lost the attraction with me, am I not good enough anymore, but my sister and friends said that no that's not the case at all, she has problems of some sort, maybe commitment issues. I personally think she is a narcissist as well as most of what she's like has near enough the same symptoms.
I know you are right in saying walk away, to which deep down I know is the correct answer. I just think we try and hold on to something because we go back to square one and being lonely again and loneliness is an awful thing especially when you have been single for as long as I have.
Try being me. I've been single my whole life and though not great, I'd rather be single forever than with someone who treats me that way. It's lonelier and more painful than being alone.
hi ive been seeing a fella now for 17 months. he wants no commitment in any way, we are very very close, talk and text everyday, he knows i want commitment and tells me to find the relationship i want but when i try to do that he gets annoyed and jealous, he knows i would be with him for the rest of my life. i stay at his and he stays at mine, ive met his kid and he has met mine. he says to me if he ever loves anyone it will b me but this man can be very charming when he needs to be, he is from an asian country and recently went out to visit his family but when he was out there he got married, it was a forced marriage and he does not want the marriage to work, he came home and when he arrived back he told me straight away he married so i stopped the fwb between us, now a few months later he has told me they are separated but i dont believe it, he went back again to visit his family and is just back but was in contact with me all the time he was over there, my gut instinct tells me he is not separated at all, he likes to keep me a secret from people, for example, i was at his house, his landlord came to his home i was upstairs, he closed the door of the room i was in an then came back in an put my handbag in the room aswell so there was no trace of me there, he wants to take me on holiday but doesnt really introduce me to his friends ,ive met a family member once an has also told his mum about me but told her i was just a friend that lives close to his kid, can someone give me advice as to what i should do, he says if he hears the word relationship he will run from it,
I'm at a loss to see what he does give you, Paula. He keeps you a secret from people, your gut instinct tells you he isn't separated at all, he tells you "if he hears the word relationship he will run from it." And he tells you to find the relationship you want but then get annoyed and jealous. What in this relationship is there for you? This is called two people on two different pages. You can fight that reality, but you're only going to be fighting yourself. If a commitment is what you truly want, he's made it more than clear in every way that he is not the man for you. You're the one who needs to run!
Oh - I need some help. I have been in a FWB situation for 6 years with a man who is 13 years younger than me. When we first met he was with someone else - but we got involved sexually after several months of becoming friends. They broke up in late 2012 and he started spending a little more time with me - I thought it was going somewhere - what a fool. No "real" dates (just talking at a bar)... no sleep overs... no invites to meet his friends. At the end of April he started becoming distant - saying he's not sure what he wants - maybe step back and just see each other at times. I knew things were changing - but I let it go on for almost three more months. There came a point two weeks ago when we finally talked. He said he's 43 years old and doesn't know what life holds....he has a group of friends and wants to get out there and do things and meet people. I said that I wanted that too - with him. He said that our friendship started out in a unique way and he just never saw me as more that what we were. I asked him if was seeing someone - he said "not presently" but he promised to tell me if he did. Now I am aware that he has a Facebook page - it's been up for a year with zero activity - he doesn't know that I am aware of this but I look at it from time to time - curious about why it's been there since last summer - so imagine my surprise when he suddenly had a friend - a woman. He went with friends that weekend to someone's cottage and contacted me when he got back to say it was fun hanging out with the guys. Now last week we got into some heavy conversations both Monday and Tuesday night - He doesn't want to lose me - loves our special time - would I still be his friend if he meets someone else - could we still have a connection... this went on and on. Tuesday night it got more emotional and he ended up coming over to talk. He said he "wasn't going anywhere" and we'd be friends forever no matter what. We ended up having sex - wild and passionate....then he told me that we'll be in each others' lives forever. The very next day he updated his status on Facebook as "In a Relationship". That certainly doesn't happen overnight. He must have been spending time with her for a while. I didn't and won't confront him - that was not a message to me and he has no idea that I know. Shock, sadness, rejection , betrayal, lies.......then just this Tuesday he texted me just to say hi - shared some general how's the week going stuff and he said he had just wanted to reach out to his "very special friend". A couple other fun facts - he cheated on his wife with the ex girlfriend and cheated on her with me. What chance does this new conquest have of "truly" having him 100%. He's clearly staying in contact with me (even after only a week) so that he has a back up plan......HELP!!!!!
Ask yourself why you're losing your dignity letting a man like this use you. This is not love, don't call it that. Get to the root of why you're allowing this. Imagine yourself as your own daughter. Is this it? Why would you even still talk or answer messages from this man? He's not even a friend. A friend would never use you.
See the reality of things. Wake up, please. Figure out why you're allowing yourself to be mistreated and course correct. Get help if you need to. But it's up to you to end your misery. You're not a victim, you have more power than you know. Remember that you teach people how to treat you.
Good luck and God bless you.
oh Tracy, let him go. Where does he exist except in your own mind when you allow him to have such control over you? He's showing you who he is. See him for that, not what you want him to be or see the potential for in your own mind. You deserve so much more than a FWB relationship no matter how much you may convince yourself that you can do this. Refuse to be anyone's back-up plan and you never will be!
Thank you Jane and Angel - he finally confessed to me that he's been seeing someone - but STILL doesn't want to let me go. I get so confused and hurt. He wants to set up rules and boundaries for having "fun time" when we can. I told him it hurt too much - knowing he's with someone else. He says "I care so much about you and we can make this work". In the years I was with him we NEVER went on a date, never met his friends/family. My head knows that I have to cut all ties but my heart is not cooperating. He has a new relationship AND still "negotiating" to keep me in the picture. And obviously she has no idea - that he's continued to see me all through their courtship. How do I let go?????
I am in the same situation Tracy, up until a couple days ago when I ended it. He was trying to negotiate us to date other people but still sleep with each other. We have never been on a date together. It finally after 3 years hit me. This guy will never date me but will and probably is taking people on dates while trying to keep me on the side because the sex is so good. I told him it was over, he was texting and calling for 2 days so I blocked his number. You deserve someone who wants you, wants to date you and effortlessly be in your life and vice versa. These men are no prize. We are only stroking their egos by giving them what they Give us nothing in return. Let me know how you're doing.
By tapping into your anger. Don't be afraid of being angry. This emotion is useful to propel you forward and out of the mud. This kind of person doesn't deserve anything from you. What kind of man is this, my God? Get away from this. Seek therapy if you need to, but cut this toxic bond for your own sanity.
There's nothing there for you; if you stay, it's only going to get worse.
He doesn't care about you, believe that. He doesn't care about you at all. Don't negotiate with your dignity.
My heart breaks reading your comments. And more than that it all infuriates me.
Sending you strength and clarity to get out of this.
God bless you
I just started seeing a old friend that I was dating last year. it's only been about 2 months and we are fwb. I know this is not mentally healthy for me. I was with him the other day and he told me that he was the only one he was seeing. but also said that if he started seeing anybody else he would tell me. so after reading all these posts I truly know in my heart that this is not something I can continue. I know my self worth is much more than this and I deserve much more than this. he's also started talking about other women that he's had sex with and help other women hit on him. I don't know if he's trying to make me jealous or boost his ego. I find this to be so very rude and disrespectful. but I put myself in this position but I still deserve respect. now it's time to end it so I can move on get strong can find the man that is right for me. I hope everyone here that is posting find what you're looking for. now it's time I can move on find a man right for me. I hope everyone here is find looking for.
sorry for the miss spell. I hope everyone finds what they are looking for. that one person who will love and respect you!
i have been 8 moths with a guy who since the beginning says is not ready for rs ! So I accepted those terms he at the beginning show slow to meet now is more often I feel very connected to him and the sex is great I enjoy and he's enjoying too but when we talk about us we ended up fighting I wish can I leave him but I can't I do not have many friends and no support in deal this by my self and I feel is all wrong to being use but I can't leave him easily we Brooke up for a week and we back A soon we want sex ! We can't stop
Having sex but we don't have nothing else we are talking to move together and star a life but he changes his mind often so idk what to do is killing me I want him but I can't have him completely !!
This is toxic. I know what not having friends and a support system does to you, but trust me, you're better off all by yourself than with someone who's just in for sex. Get some help from a therapist if you can to clarify how you can start nourishing yourself and start making better choices for yourself.
My best friend he knew that I had feelings for him last 4 years mind you last two years was in a serious relationship almost got married. He broke it off came back asking me out been 7 months of friends with benefits I want more says not on the same page can't feel for me. Why would your best friend risk what we had before for this? Yes, he knew I would give in cause I loved him never would I have thought this bad of him. He likes his freedom now with the guys and I'm not worth his time. Hardest thing walking away from your best friend I can't be just friends anymore.
Time to rethink your definition of "best friend" and who you give that title to.
By my definition, a best friend wouldn't use you, not even having the chance. It requires a lot of honesty and integrity to be in the position of real friend.
I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way. Fwb are never a good idea when you have feelings for someone. Men can compartmentalize sex and feelings. For most women it's just not possible. Assess where you are in that department and only do what's right for you.
Personally, as a whole, I advise against that kind of deal. You deserve much more than crumbs.
Hello,
I am so happy to have come across your article. I have never been in a real relationship because I have personal circumstances that prevent that. A few months back I started to crave intimacy, in a really intense way. I had always told myself that I would never sleep with someone I do not love but at some point that became unbearable. I started posting on dating websites and started talking back and forth for a few with a man two years my junior that I have started to develop feelings for. The only difference is that he is not seeking a relationship but wants a FWB relationship. In the beginning he was really interested and considerate towards me, but I see that the vibe has changed. He only contacts me at the end of the week and I ended up having sex with him last Saturday. I deeply regret that. I no longer recognize myself willing to settle for so little from someone and feel that because I have always been so sweet towards him and understanding that along the way he stopped respecting me and no longer considered me as a potential girlfriend, it really hurts, and I am trying to think of the best way to end it.
Hi,
I love the article and it really did hit home for me. My ex cheated on me and I thought my world was crashing down...but I got up and did the best that I could to move on and trying to keep my mind from thinking of him. 6 months goes by and he starts hugging me and being physical with me... at first I thought maybe he missed me and wanting to work things out...but I got myself knowing what he wanted. He just missed the intimicy and I was doing well moving on until he came to me knowing how I am. I felt stupid...and fully aware that I also allowed it to happen. Since the OW played him like a fool and didn't give him what he needed, he saw me being a target. Now it's been going on for nearly two months and I want to stop it badly. I have told him off and I have threatened him that I would tell the girl he cheated on me since they are in contact and he says he still loves her but they aren't together. A part of me hates him...and the other part has a soft spot for him. He doesn't love me and I know that. The stronger I get he seems to break me down and being alone makes me nervous and that's when he seduces me and then we have sex. I feel dirty... and from the start it was fun and I loved it but now I feel used and so dirty. How do I break it off and just walk away from him since he was the one who hurt me and left me. If he is still in love with the OW but can't be with her, and wants FWB with me? Thanks for any advice 🙂
In conclusion...we were together for 11yrs and we have two kids. He said he found someone better than me and that OW understood him and he loved her right away compared to me. I was hurt... just beyond hurt. But now I'm only hurting myself by doing this with him and with no respect makes me look like I can't stand up for myself. I just want it to end and be strong again.
I've been having sex with this guy for like two years now..whenever he calls me we're going to have sex..He normally finds me at night or if its in a mid-day then he is horny ..I do find him has well. well the thing is that I have developed a feeling for him. He goes out for clubbing like everyday and I have a feeling that he is having sex with other girls when I'm not around in town (because I study in another area far from him) , he once took me to his family,most of his friends know me. There is only one club in our area that he goes daily and I go to frequently when I am around , we do go together sometimes and he introduces me to his friends like his girlfriend, now he is showin symbols of being jealous when I go out then if I have boys company, when I post something IG. I have this feeling that he doesn't love me because in his phone wallpaper he has set he's ex picture this disturbs me since when I want to move on and leave I feel like we might have a chance. I want to move but how ? whenever I want to talk to him about it he says he loves me and what disturbs me more is that he tells his friends that he is using me. Does he have feelings for me?? I want to move please help how should I start because whenever I try to end this he keeps on lookin for me.. sorry for this long text
If you want to end this, you will, Sophy. If you want him to keep looking for you, he will. When you can get clear on what it is you really want and what you don't, you will see this for yourself and discover just how powerful you really are!
It's all true, and it's what I needed to hear at this time in my life. Thank you.
You're so welcome, Jilted. I'm so glad this resonated with what you're going through!
I'm so glad I found this ... I just ended it with my fwb of 2 years.... all it did was drag me and my self esteem on the dumps..
I hear you, Paula. So glad this resonated with you!
BTW, Jane, I love the article, and most of all that you care enough to respond to the comments!!! You are amazing!!! You now have a new fan!!
Thank you, Teri in VA! I'm so glad you're here! 🙂
Jane,
I was on chat room with this guy and I started feeling the urge to seduce him. So I was typing that I was sitting next to him and kissing him, and he asked the size of my breasts, and I told him my size and he was surprised. Also, I started to feel guilty so I told him maybe we should stop, and then he told me he had to leave, and I thought it was my fault and asked him if he hated me, and he said no and that he had to go repent and that he would be back soon. What should I do?
Let him go and repent!!! LOL. You didn't do anything wrong other than sexually express yourself. Don't worry about it. If out is meant to be, it's meant to be!!! But, pass stay classy! Friend's with benefits is nothing more than a VOLUNTEER PROSTITUTE....
Thank you for this article. I'm still in two minds as to what I should do. Some days I say to myself you have to end this but most of the time my feelings are way too strong. It's easier said than done when I've never felt this way before.
I'm just extremely confused and feel like I need a holiday to clear my mind.
He told me when he was drunk that he loves me, he stays with me and looks after me when I'm sick. He put me down as his emergency contact person (his family lives far away). He wants my company even when I don't want sex, we just lay in bed watching movies then fall to sleep in each others arms.
Either way his friendship means more to me than anything else.
You'll know when it's time to do something different, Jessica. It will become so clear what mind is the one to listen to!
I'm honestly not sure what to do. I've been in this FWB relationship with the boy of my dreams for the past year and a half. He's EVERYTHING I want in a guy. He listens to the same music I do, goes to the same gym as me, is funny and compassionate. Yes I agreed that we would only be friends with benefits in the begining, but even then I had strong feelings for him. I tell myself that I don't care that way for him everyday, but every time I see him post something on Facebook or see him hanging out with another girl jealously just eats me away. I can't handle it. I know I need to let him go so I can move on, but I don't want to lose him. I can't stand the thought of another girl having him you know? Gah, I just don't know what to do..
First decide for yourself what you can and can't live with, Zoe Mae. Once you're clear on what that is - and you understand clearly what your own reasons are - you'll have a much easier time being strong and standing up for what you deserve with someone else; particularly someone who you don't want to lose. And then ask yourself if this is all he's capable of, is he still worth holding onto like this, accepting his terms of FWB status if that's all he can give you? Once you're clear, everything else can become clear. But until you come to this clarity in your own mind - and deciding what he's worth to you - you can only expect more of the same. He obviously has no reason to do anything different - he's got it so good! - but the question is, what is yours?
Thank you!!! Amen! Trust and respect. If you don't have the
two, you don't have a friendship.
So true, Jeannie.
I'm not sure where I stand with this or the whole FWB phenomena. I've had FWBs that were successful in the past (things end either because one of us met someone else or just decided we want something else, either way, we talked and parted ways nicely) BUT I know that sometimes the stakes are high, things you don't expect just happen and you can't control your feelings. Personally when I enter an FWB agreement I always prefer to do it with a friend or someone with whom I have mutual trust with, so that whatever the result is, be it happy, painful or like most of the time, bittersweet, we always have that to fall back to. It sounds weird I know but I feel like even if things don't end up the way I want to (yes, I have fallen for FWBs even though I didn't plan it and vice versa) if we have that to begin with, we can respect each other's opinions, feelings, wishes etc so it's easier to let go and move forward. One thing iI always keep in mind from the start is that this is an FWB arrangement, there's always a risk for potential heartbreak and under no circumstance I should begin seeing it as something else unless there's enough reason to (I did once end up dating an FWB for a while).
I think the key to FWBs are truly knowing what you want and being respectful of yourself and your boundaries. If there's a difference in what you both want, you just gotta be honest with yourself and one another and let go. Sometimes you really can't spare an emotional attachment, or there are time limits that can't be broken (or just for plain old sex experience level-up) and if you keep each other on the loop always it can make for a great experience. For me any happy endings or disappoinments after that is just another life lesson and I'd gladly take that any day!
I would really underline the whole trust and respect part though because if you and someone don't seem to respect or be able to trust each other... Why are you even friends? And if you can't be friends to begin with, how are you going to add any benefit to that?
This helped me tremendously ty
Exactly, Odelia; it's about knowing what you want - and what you can live with and what you can't - and not just going along with someone else's terms in the hopes of changing them, getting them to come around, or proving why you're worth more than the FWB arrangement you've signed up for. Great questions - "Why are you even friends? And if you can't be friends to begin with, how are you going to add any benefit to that?". Yes, why exactly!
Hi, i would love some help please 🙁 well i have been FWB with the guy for almost 2 years now and he is a few years older than me. I dont really see him that often but when i do we have sex but it is starting to really upset me because i havnt had a deep and meaningful conversation with him about how he feels but he knows that i care about him. I seen him this weekend and i told myself not to try anything with him just to see if he makes a move...he didnt so we just went to sleep. Then i lost my will to not do anything the next night and we did have sex. I dont regret i just feel like im being used sometimes because he rarely makes a move. I want to call things quits but i get so upset about the thought that i will basically be lonely and no one even to cuddle. I feel like he has sex with other girls because he goes clubbing alot but yet i cant figure out what is stopping me. We only started so whenever we see each other it was for 'fun' but obvious my feelings are now there but i feel its right to make a stand but something is stopping me all the time when i go to bring it up. Please help.
You have to know your own worth, Danielle. You deserve so much more than this but you have to believe it for yourself. Why do you feel this is all you deserve? Why is being with someone who only uses you for sex better than being alone or not having someone to cuddle? Why do you want to be with someone who may be doing this with other girls? What always stops us is fear. Fear that this is as good as you can get. Fear that he might come around and then you'd miss out. Fear that he might still choose you. Fear that you'll miss out if you put an end to this. These are the things we believe that are never true. If someone's right for you, you'll always know because they'll want to be with you for so much more than sex.
You're worth so much more than this, Danielle. What about you? He has it so good. He gets to have sex with you and he doesn't have to give you anything more than the physical act of being there. You are that strong enough to end this if you want to, but you have to want to. It has to come from you. The irony is always that when we stay, when we settle for so much less than we deserve, we miss out on exactly what we're looking for that we really want but we won't be able to see that until we face our fears and let go of what we think we can't.
and he introduced me to his mom and stepdad,and all his friends why would he say we are just friends if he did that?? I would write letters telling him how i felt but of course he would never respond to what they said.... one night i mentioned in front of him i liked guys with blue eyes and brown hair.. he went to jail few weeks after that and i looked at his profile and he had down brown hair and blue eyes why? he knew how i felt.. he called me all the time texted me all the time wanted to hang out all the time but when it came to sex he always wanted oral... nothing for me not much any ways.. he would tell people i ment nothing to him but he would get jealous and accuse me of sleeping with every man out there and i am not that way..he controlled me was some what possive but he acted like we were a item..everyone thought we were but we weren't...help me please
i am in a difficult situation here i have a bf but i broke up with him i stil live in his house cuz i got no money to move out he still wantz me back but i keep avoiding him. couple of months later i met a cute frend who became my fwb we had it going on for six months and i never told my bf abt my fwb frend. After six months i left the job nd my fwb started ignoring me day by day the chat became lesser. So got deppressed and decided the best way to get over him is pacth up with my bf so thats what i did now i find myslef lost here !!am in love with my fwb bt he acts is too busy to talk to me i even ask him if he wants us to stop the fwb he said no bt he keeps avoidin me he nevet answer my calls and does not replies to my msg two days later acting like nothing happened his silence is eating me up with fustration we havent met or talk properly since i left the job m trying to forget him as a normal fwb but i cant . with my bf at home m faking happy i just dont know how to get over this
I had something kind of like yours but we acted like we were a couple but we weren't.. I moved out. wish I wouldn't have but im sure nothing would happen if I had stayed.. its hard I know.. I am so sad and depressed all the time...I hope to meet some one one day.. but ive been talking on the phone one of my exs., but its hard I know... im trying to get over this guy I wanted more but he didn't I guess... i would just move on... that's what i am trying to do... why does liking some one have to be so hard... it sucks when we don't get what we want...why do men have to play with our emotions and lead us on to thinking its more when its not...its going to be a while before i can trust again.. that guy hurt me pretty badly he knew how i felt that's what makes it so much harder.. i fill like he used me to the full advantage for his fun,for him to get what he wanted and he didn't even care or think about how i felt... im going to watch out next time for sure..i just need to move on its sounds harsh but it may work..i don't understand why a man would use a women.. what goes around comes around....i hope the best for you.......don't know if i helped you out or not.. good luck...
If you are in a FWB relationship with a man, the reason why they never talk to you or take you out is because it's sad to say but you mean nothing to them, just sex. If you're not okay with this than you should end the FWB thing.
This spoke to me .. I don't really know what I should do.
Im in this FWB for 3 years now .. he always told me "if you want a serious one .. then you have to let me go" but I was dumb and waited to hope he'd change his mind ..
And after 2 and half year of FWB, I told him I was gonna leave! I was getting too deeply with him. Since he was out of the country I decided to leave. But then he didnt want me to, he got jealous when he heard I was gonna see someone else. He also was so amazing and loving and told me he had feelings but not really ready to say I love you. I felt like my wish just came true! Then after he came back, the 1st month was amazing and loving. But then later and later it got dull. Even tho I basically like live there at his place everyday since then, he still hasn't talked to me about moving forward, he knows I'm madly in love with him, but I feel like Im hidden. We aint even going out, just always at his place. It's ruining me and I know I deserve better but I just, it hurts to think then I wont never see his face every morning and night.
I know he cares for me a lot, I know he does. Should I just mention to him and ask him if me and him are going anywhere? Should I do it now or wait after Christmas? I need help 🙁
Btw this blog was exactly posted on my bday yay lol 🙂
I'm glad this resonated with you, Katrin; and how ironic it was posted on your birthday! 🙂 Know that it's always your decision, Katrin. He knows what you want from him, so whether or not you come right out and ask him about your future together, you already have your answer by the way your life is with him. He's showing you by how he treats you. There's always a reason why we feel something, why our gut instinct senses the reality that we try so hard to deny.
It doesn't matter when you talk to him directly about your future or if you do at all. It doesn't change the reality that you're on two different pages, with him knowing that you're madly in love with him, and him taking all the benefits that come from a FWB relationship. He doesn't want to lose you - of course not! he knows what a prize you are! - but he's not willing - or able - to give you what you want from him either. It's not really about him as much as it's about you. You have to decide whether being with him on his terms is worth more to you than living this way. Only you know what he's worth to you.
Do what you need to do for you. Choose whatever will bring you the greatest amount of peace and happiness and leave you with the least amount of regrets. You're not dumb, my beautiful friend, you're doing what so many of us have done when we stay with someone because we've fallen for their potential and we have such a hard time letting go of all the time and dreams and plans we've invested when we hang on as long as we do. We find our lives and our strength in the living, not in the waiting, but only you know how long is long enough for you.
Thank you so much for the time to answer me. It made me cry because it made me realize that I do deserve better, sometimes it's good to hear it from others.
I did mention it to him, he said no. He isn't ready for a relationship, and he doesn't even know when. That he loves me more then a friend but not as a lover. He can't see me in is future as his girlfriend but only as a best friend. He loves me dearly and says he'll miss me because he's used of seeing me every day. And he feels so bad that he can't make himself love me more. I cried, told him that I'd be afraid to loose him as a friend, and he said he promise with his life that he will always be there for me, even if I have a bf or he has a gf. He would cut his hand off for me to live, as a friend.
He says he doesn't flirt with girls because he knows that he doesn't want relationship and I'm there for him. (But I do see him on dating sites.)
That makes me want to stay and hope for him to love me. I know that's so wrong, it has been 3 years. I feel like I've missed out of life.
I know there's guy who's willing to do stuff with me that I wanted to do with FWB guy.
Then I just don't get it why it's so hard to leave him when it's hurting me, he's just giving me false hopes by how he acts to me.
Is it right to mention to him that I want to start dating? Should I leave? Or should I just stay and let it fade with time?
I just can't stop crying.
Thank you so much for the time and sorry for long messages.
Somehow you Jane make me feel better.
Love & Light all the way from Iceland, Katie
Like they say, the worst thing about wasting 3 years on someone is wasting 3 years and one day! Don't waste another day on this guy. Go out and find someone you really deserve, that will want to snatch you up and never let you go!!!
Like they say, you have the relationship you think you deserve.... Is this what you think you deserve??!!! If you can love the WRONG man this good, think of how much you can love the RIGHT one!!!??? Tell him you are going to start dating and then DO it!!! There is a good man out there for you, but you can't see him because this commitment phobe is standing in the doorway!!! You know deep down that you need to let him go, so let him go!!! Best of luck to you! Hugs!
The only way an FWB works is if the woman doesn't want the man for a relationship. I was in an FWB for a year with my ex and even when we were together I was clear I didn't love him and had no desire for the relationship to go beyond what it was. He was the last person I would want to marry. So it was fine but really fulfilling and not that enjoyable towards the end.
Thanks for sharing, Jackie; it sounds like this is one situation where you were clearly the one in control!
You could say that. I was in control only in that my feelings were not there for him. FWBs only work if you don't want them for more OR you are very clear that you won't regret having been involved with him when it ends.
I thought this too when I was with my FWB, someone that I knew I didn't want to date seriously, but was very attracted to and enjoyed hanging out with him. Unfortunately he was the person I had sex with, with a lot of manipulated pushing ("I want you to feel good", etc) and then we just stayed as FWB. It was fine until I started dating someone else more seriously, I had the hardest time ending it with the other guy because he lived in my building and would convince me to come over and have sex when I got there. I ended up cheating on my boyfriend until my FWB got a girlfriend and ended it with me and I was a mess, I don't know if I loved him, and I'm so conflicted if he ever cared about me in general that I'm just a mess. I'm just dumb and hate myself.
I meant to write, first person I had sex with. I hate using the term "he took my virginity".
This post seems to be written just for me , it resonates so much with where i am at. Being alone and single can be lonely and i was so tired of the loneliness that when an old married friend called up and seemed interested in taking up where we had left off so many years ago( conveniently forgetting that he was supposed to be loyal to the wife) i almost got carried away. Now i still talk to the guy but i have my fantasies in control and boundaries firmly in place. Thanks Jane for an insightful post.
I'm glad this resonated with you, Ann; that loneliness and longing can take on a whole life of its own, as I'm sure so many of us can attest to. But as we know on some deeper level, it's never worth the price we pay by going there. I love how you say "...my fantasies in control and boundaries firmly in place" - that's what so much of this is about!
I fully agree with this! NO WAY am I ever going to settle for a friend's with benefits, BS relationship. It ONLY benefits HIM! I am worth SO much more than that. Thank you very much for another well-written article.
Been in a FWB for almost 9, yes, NINE YEARS! Lost all dignity and any sense of self esteem many times along the way. Finally broke it off recently and after working with a therapist am seeing the relationship the way it was in the story....a one way street of no commitment, no one to go anywhere with, we never went on ONE date, just sex. Even the sex wasn't very satisfying. I thought I was the EXCEPTION and that the FWB would turn into a REAL relationship. SADLY NOT!!!! I lost many solid years of possibilities of real relationships. Don't waste your life like I did!!!
Thanks for sharing your experience, Kim; it's in sharing what we've been through that others can hopefully learn how to avoid this ever so common pitfall - you have said so much here!
ive been in one, for TEN years! thru relationships with others, each if us having KIDS, me 5 yrs ago, him 6, and we were really relllyyyy close as friends till about 7 yrs ago, I moved a lil urthr away, we obv both had new relationships, we never cheated on our Sig others but as soon as they were over we have started right back up. sex is AMAZING. idk why we always go backto eachother but we do! what does this mean> I KNOW for a fact, not in denial, that he cares for me. the only time I get emotionally involved is the period after drunk sex(obv drunk texting happens!) and I start rambling but he never really answers I assume bc he knows its drunk rambling, but the next day I always wake up in lala land thinking of him for a week, thinking should I end it or ask for a "talk", but idl what to do. at this point WHY nOT just be in a relationship, we were pretty much best friends platonically before the FWB started, so we have a good foundation and closeness, but I still cant decide. I want more from a relationship and would def take it with him but were both single idk whats right to say b I don't want to lose the amazing sex. hes answered a cpl times like asking why am I getting so into wanting a relationship but like I said WHY NOT and knowing he DOES care for me, including getting mad and jealous over my prev relationships, why doesn't he take a step or whatever? I'm sooooooo confused.
Glad you enjoyed this, Susan; your confidence comes through so beautifully!
Why do they call it "Friends with benefits"? Why don't they just call it like it is, which is a "VOLUNTEER PROSTITUTE"!!!!! I don't know why women have become such sleezebags now. Please, please, girls, make him treat you good all the time and not just when he wants a piece of tail!!! It it so hard for us good girls to find a good guy if everyone is just giving it up on the first date, and others that do not require a commitment.... STAY CLASSY!!!
So you are saying that sex only benefits one gender?
Sex is neither about male or female domination, its about wanting to please your partner whom you love, I'm currently in love with a girl, we are friends with benefits.
I've loved her for 2 years, ever since I got back to Norway from Black ops In Afghanistan she have been there for me, my childhood friends, despite the cruelty I've committed, the horrible things I've seen, I'm healthy again. My post traumatic experiences are all gone. Its not because of sex, is because I love her, she would come to my house 4 in the morning, just hugging me and talking to me as I was sweating and screaming my friends name as I remembered him dying before my feet...
She would comfort me in dark times, and I would do the same to her, then she wanted to be friends with benefits. We have been that for about a week now, and I hope we end up together... Anyway, you seem like a diehard feminist who believes that men are depressing females every were, the only birth right I had as a male was to go to war. So I did as a Norwegian citizen, but I lost all my brothers to a land mine, know this that my brothers died for your right to be whom you are, so be careful about what you say about us men. We die, for you, your children, your rights and your nation. Don't forget that.
Also, great article. I'm really tired I might have gone all veteran back there, but anyways, GREAT ARTICLE, friends with benefits are not for me, and I hope mine ends with a relationship...