My mother was out for an all too short two week visit, and, as usual, I cried when we dropped her off at the airport last week to fly home. I'm never ready for her to leave. When she got home she told me all about the young woman she sat next to on the plane, and her story sounded so familiar and universal that my heart just went out to her. I was her not so long ago, and from so many of the letters I receive I know that so many of you out there are going through the same thing. If I knew who she was, this is what I would tell her.
To the young woman on the plane:
I don’t know your name or really anything about you, but my mom told me she sat next to you on her plane trip home last week. She said that you had a conversation about dating, love and relationships, and you told her you were taking a break from men. You’ve had enough of giving your heart away and getting nothing but heartbreak in return. And you’re wondering what you’re doing wrong, what you should be doing differently, and how to tell if a guy is really interested in you or if he's just in it for one thing. You just want to be in a committed relationship with a guy who wants to commit to you, too, but somehow, you’re finding this next to impossible to find.
So I have something to say to you, my young, beautiful friend with so many dreams for the future:
Don’t commit to him any more than he’s committing to you.
Don’t put him on a pedestal, ever.
Don’t go looking for someone to choose you; you do the choosing!
Don’t get taken in by his good looks and charm; you need to get to know him, the real him, before you know if he’s even someone you want to be with in the first place.
Don’t ever settle for someone who doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated; you know what you deserve, even if you don’t always remember this in the heat of the moment.
I know it’s not always easy to remember these, much less stick to them when you’re so sure this guy is different from all the rest and he’s saying and doing all the right things and he's oh so charming. I had to learn these things the hard way, and so I know firsthand just how hard it is to actually stay strong enough to follow these.
But if you’re going to have a different type of relationship next time, with a different type of guy, this is what you need to do. Especially do not give him your body and soul before enough time has passed for him to prove to you that he truly is worth any part of you.
You see, my beautiful friend, it’s by your actions and by your behavior that you teach him how to treat you; you let him know what your boundaries are; you tell him what you will and will not put up with. If he doesn’t like it, if he wants more, if he pressures you or makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you, those are all sure signs that he’s not what you want. He’s no loss. This is one of those times to be glad you found out early, rather than later. Because that’s the whole reason for following these guidelines.
It will separate the men from the boys.
The players from the real guys. The ones you want to get to know better versus the ones who don’t deserve another second of your time and energy, much less your heart and soul.
Let him go, and know that if he doesn't come back he wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t the right one for you. It’s only his loss, not yours. And the best part is you’ll find this out sooner rather than later. Before that kind, tender, loving, giving heart of yours gets broken again.
It is very hard for a woman to Commit to just only one man today since many of them like dating so many different men now. And there are a lot of us Good men out there that Can be very happy with just only One woman, and i am sure many other men will agree with me as well.
Hi my name is Amy and I am in a hard decision I dought anyone can help me in my situation I guess you can I say I am in this relationship with my guy we have excellent communication and we have a very strong bond there is a but he is a workaholic I only see him at his job I have said so many times babe lets take this outside the business I get my answer but he continues to keep me in the business I feel like I have a business relationship with him I know he has lot going on right on I totally understand but at the same time I want so much more time then he is giving me its hard for me to explain it to him without offending him I do appreciate the time in the business he does give me but he knows I aint going anywhere I know he can spend time with me I feel he just chooses not too and I think it upsets me more and I don't say anything
I love your site, Jane. I'm only 22 but I'm getting the sense that the dating world is an utterly hopeless place to be when it comes to being a female. My boyfriend of 6 years and man I was going to marry took his life almost 16 months ago. It has been very hard. He was the only man I have ever been intimate with. Since then I've slept with one other guy. I fell pretty hard, maybe for all the wrong reasons, but it still added heartbreak to an already broken heart when I got nothing more than sex from him. I'm not used to dating; I've never had to do it. I'm lonely but I'm already tired of guys. I'm only now learning that I need to use one of the only powers women hold over men to my advantage - sex.
Thanks for this post. I needed it today.
Thanks, Molly. I'm so glad this post resonated with where you're at today - and I'm so very sorry for your tragic loss. It's never easy to begin again but if you can remember to commit to someone only as much as he is committing to you, that action will go a long way to keeping everything in a healthy balance - and your heart from being broken. Try to think of sex and intimacy as a beautiful thing that isn't about power or control, but about what happens when two people know each other well enough to know you are both on the same page and open to the same type of long-term commitment. It's about not giving yourself away until you know for sure that anyone you let in on that intimate level is deserving of the beautiful gift of you and all that you are and all that you have to offer! You deserve absolutely nothing less than that!
Thank you so much, Jane! I appreciate your awesome support.. How do manage to answer all of us... Wow! I am so happy that you found your true love... Because most people don´t have it... Yet it is SO WORTH IT! Though I don´t have it yet, I feel - and you back me up ; )- that he is very near in my journey... And I am already GRATEFUL... Thanks for your wonderful INSPIRATION, and don´t ever stop doing what you´re doing... Making a DIFFERENCE in so many of our lives... God bless you + Namaste.
He's out there, Monica, no matter how long it seems to take. It's in believing in love, believing in ourselves and him, and trusting in the power of real love to always bring two people that are meant to be together that it happens. Along with our very real doubts and moment when we feel like giving up. It's all a part of our own unique journey.
And as always, thanks for your kind, sweet words to me, Monica - they always inspire me!
Your articles and blog are so impeccable, Jane... And so right on target to what we girls and women need to learn, wherever we are in life. Though I am not young by society´s standards (I am 49 years young), I feel exactly what this girl means by taking a break... In my case, from dating for the sake of the fun... I am a clean slate, and I truly feel more confident, empowered and plain GOOD all the time, even in not so great circumstances...
Just tonight, I had like 3 offers/potential dates- and yes, I do feel lucky because there´s plenty of guys who are "interested", inboxing, texting, calling me, that they like me so much, bla-bla... It could be good for my ego, sure, but I have to let them go - bye-bye-, and say next, because I can already sense what these guys are about... Not what I want now in my lfe... I must confess I have spent years crying in and out of so-called relationships with men who just weren´t a good fit.... And though I could have stayed in those fun but heart-breaking relationships, I am being very true to myself and to what I want from a relationship with a man at this point in my life: he has to have the same values in being transparent, sincere, kind...
Thank you for your intelligent and wonderful advice. What I want is the name of the blog, .. TRUE LOVE.....
I am now re-reading this post, to make sure that I am following your tips, as well as my intuition... And yes, so far, my actions are showing the guys that I´m not going out of my way for them, until they show me they are for real... It´s a journey, and sometimes I get sick and tired (I did tonight), but I keep going and never give up, because I truly believe the right guy I deserve is right around the corner... Isn´t he, Jane ; )
P.S. Sex is great-, but it is a really bad indicator of a relationship potential, no matter how awesome the chemistry and the sex is....
He is, Monica! And know we all have our low points where the doubts set in and it's hard to bring ourselves back up. That's where I absolutely believe we cannot do this without support and the reminder from those that have been there, that there is a place for each of us on the other side in that beautiful place of true love.
And so very true, Monica, chemistry and sex are never good indicators of a relationship's potential - no matter how amazing it may be!