What do you do when you're simply not the type who can just say "next!" when he doesn't call or when he won't give you the commitment you want? I know, it's not you. But you so want it to be.
You know exactly the type. She's got that mesmerizing confidence, so sure of herself, that everyone around her knows that she not only knows what she wants, but that she's not going to accept anything less. She's not going to sell herself short and she wouldn't dream of settling.
But you're not her, and you can only wonder how she got there. So full of confidence and sure of herself.
But what you don't know is that she never used to be this way either. She never used to be able to just say "next!" and let him go like that as soon as he wasn't treating her the way she knew she deserved. She had to learn how to do this just like you are going to learn to do this too, so that one day, you will be the one that everyone looks up to and wonders how you did it, how you got to be this strong and confident in yourself.
It begins with getting a life. It continues with living that life. It gets better with an unwavering commitment to yourself above all else.
It means having enough support for the real person that you are by people who love you and bring you up instead of tearing you down.
It means you know the difference between being alone and being lonely, and you're not afraid of either.
It means you know yourself well enough to like yourself. It means you choose to love yourself because you know you were created as you are for a reason, and you are here at this time and place for a reason bigger than you can understand.
It means you know your worth because you truly understand, and know in your heart that no one is worth more than anyone else. You really get that, and you don't feel the need to prove your worth to anyone. You say yes or you say no, but you don't respond out of guilt because you don't need to feel guilty, and you don't do things to try to please others because you know that the most important thing is to be true to yourself. Real people see though that and don't want a surface relationship like that with you!
It means you set and stick to your firm boundaries, you won't accept bad behavior and you know what that looks like. You know you've set the bar high enough and that you won't let anything less than what you really want slip through. You know you don't ever have to accept anything less than this because you know you control how people treat you by whether or not you allow them in your life if they aren't willing to live up to your standards!
It means you know you deserve nothing less than this and you refuse to let anyone, no matter who they are, treat you any other way because you know it's only in refusing to settle for anything less than you deserve, that you will eventually find only what you do deserve!
Once this has become your mantra, deeply ingrained in you, you will find that you surprise even yourself in how quickly you're able to say "Next!" when a man isn't treating you the way you know you deserve to be treated.
And then everyone will be looking at you, wondering how you got there.
Love this. As I was reading it, many people's voices came to my head as whenever I acted this way in the past, they would say things like: you're being too radical, you'll end up alone, you're not exactly a supermodel type to be so demanding and sure of yourself. And I sadly believed them. That's how I got to settle for crumbs and stay in situations I shouldn't even have been in. I can't help but think that even when I was so young, I had the right idea... I was just in a sort of hostile environment and surrounded by unconscious and hurtful people. I'm glad I'm seeing this again and I'm trying to be wiser this time around. I'm a little nervous of the next time life sends this scenario again. I'm hoping I can use my head more than any chemistry feeling and run the opposite direction.
either its not east to face this reality because the situation is fresh oi know someday at the right time i can Stand and Shout this to him "ok Who's next"..thank you Ms.Jane for this wonderful article:)♥
And you will!
Hello,
I met a guy through friends 2 months ago. Everything was great. From the very first moment we both felt like we were meant to be together. The attraction was both mental and physical.
I am 28 years old and he is 33. He had a relationship of 10 years which ended 2 years ago.
He was very enthousiastic for the first month. I was more shy and didn't express my self a lot because i was afraid. After the first moth i sensed that he pulled back so i also pulled back. And thats where the flame was gone. But i still thought that maybe is fear for both of us and i believed that things would change because i had a strong feeling for him.
I thought i should do something to turn things so i told him that it would be a good idea to go away for a weekend. And thats where he told me how he felt. He likes me a lot, but he doesn;t feel in love and because he is very romantic he thinks he should have felt in love until now. He is afraid of give it a try because he doen;t want to hurt me if it doesn't work out. He likes beeing with me, he needs to hug me and kiss me but he feels very confused.
He wants a few days to think things over. He only felt so excited 2-3 times in his life and one was with me. But he thinks its not natural that things went cold.
I don;t know what went wrong. I am really disappointed because i felt that there was something wonderful there. And even though he disappointed me i still have this feeling. I know we could have something great.
Is there anything i can do?
I will let him alone to think and i will not contact him at all.
Thanks a lot
You're doing the best thing you can in this situation, AV, by giving him some space to figure himself out, or whatever else he plans to do in these few days he's saying he needs to thing things over. The other most important thing you can do during this time, and always, is keep living your life, doing all those things that you enjoy doing with people you enjoy being with. By shifting to you, what he does or doesn't do won't matter quite as much, because whatever's going on with him, or whatever went wrong, is about him and where he's at and not you.
So don't blame yourself or get caught up in second guessing yourself; if this relationship is truly meant to be, and he really is all that, it will be. But only if he's on the same page as you and sees it the same way you do. Although it's always disappointing when things don't go the way you'd like them to, remember that this isn't about all the potential he shows or the relationship shows, it's about the reality of what is. And AV, you absolutely deserve nothing less than someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. If he's not, then it's time to say "Next!"
Thats so true Jane
I have only recently discovered the meaning of having boundaries . I used to be needy and seeking approval. I cannot begin to tell you how good it was for my selfesteem to live alone this past year.To women I say: Find something creative to do with your time.Laugh a lot, love a lot and have the best time you can possibly have- all the time.I was never a bored housewife - everyday was a challenge to create something: a meal a friendship a good investment, yet I lived with a man I could barely stand-it was an eyeopener for all of us. My two daughters and I went forward, their father went backward.We all make those choices.
I so hear you, Ann; and I love what you say here. Finding out we can be alone and discover a life we never knew we had, is the best antidote to that fear of being alone. And yes, as you say, it is always a choice, sometimes a very difficult one, but always a choice. That, in itself, is empowering.
Hi Jane,
Wow...you have such amazing "timing" when it comes to the articles that you write and what is happening in my life! Amazing....in any event, I have had an on again off again relationship with a man that I met last year. Wonderful chemistry but he is not "emotionally" available to me. I disconnected from him last year after a 6 month relationship and then he reappeared this past October apologizing for his behavior and that he was a "different" person for the experience. I have a firm belief in forgiveness not only for the other person but mostly for my own heart and we reconnected. It was wonderful! He was there in the moment and we were going along....and then it happened AGAIN! He disappears.....no word nothing. So I called him out on it again and he told me that he just feels that we are better off friends! He said are you mad? I said no and that I suggested that he lose my number....DONE.
Not easy words or an easy thing to do but I can't continue on with someone who sends me on these emotional rollercoasters....and I won't do that to myself anymore!
As always, thank you for your continued "encouragement" for all of us out there who continue to search for love...
Best.....Melanie
I love how you put this, Melanie, "I can't continue on with someone who sends me on these emotional rollercoasters ...and I won't do that to myself anymore!" Exactly, my beautiful friend, and you never, ever have to! Standing up for yourself and calling him on his behavior like you did is no small thing. Be so proud of yourself at the courage that took to let him know what you are no longer willing to put up with. I can't tell you how many times I couldn't quite do that, but in the end, I wasted so much of both time and myself by not doing it!
And I am also always amazed and inspired at how the posts I feel passionate about writing at a particular time seem to resonate with so many readers, Melanie. I always appreciate hearing about this, so thank you for letting me know - it inspires me! 🙂