Don't ever doubt that you teach him how to treat you. That each of us teaches each and every man out there how to treat us and every other woman who comes after us. When you're wondering how he can ask for your number and then never call. When you're wondering how he can text you at the last minute on a Friday night and ask if the two of you can get together. When you're wondering how he can lead you on and then one day reveal that he was never interested in anything more than a casual relationship when you finally get up the nerve to ask.
There's only one reason: it's because we've put up with this.
He learned that from yet another beautiful woman who went before you that accepted less than she deserved. And the ones before her as well. We've all collectively taught men that they can get away with treating us like this.
You see, we've made everyone so proud of just how accommodating and understanding we are, that we never knew, in our hearts, that someone has to earn the right to be with us. To have us in their lives. We learned that good little girls simply agree and go along with what others want us to be if it means they will love us and give us the life we're looking for. That security, and feeling of being chosen, being lovable, that we so crave on every level of our awareness.
And so we lower the bar.
We just keep lowering the bar on what we'll settle for, and in the process we teach him how little we will require from him if he'll only choose us.
And so we jump when he calls us or texts us. We hold off on making plans until the last minute in the hope that he'll finally make plans with us first.
We wait.
We hold off on living our own lives, blazing our own path because he's so close and he's all that. And our own missed opportunities come and go. Our own dreams never see their fulfillment. He has no idea what we're capable of, of the woman we really are, because we're afraid to scare him off. After all, we tell ourselves, he might not want a strong woman or one who isn't afraid to speak her mind.
We forget that someone who is truly meant for us is looking for exactly who we are! He isn't intimidated by any part of us, and in fact, he has been waiting for someone just exactly like we are.
And the most important part is that when it's right, he feels the same way about us as we feel about him. That's what makes it work.
Not anything you think you have to do to make him love you.
Not anything you believe you have to settle for to get him to keep coming back for more.
Not anything you think you have to prove to have someone like him love you.
Because every time you behave like this, every time you show him that it's OK to treat you like this, you teach him that it is OK.
But it's not.
It never is. It's time to raise the bar. For you, and for every woman that comes after you who comes to understand this truth, too.
You, my beautiful friend deserve so much more than this!
"someone has to earn the right to be with us." Thank you for your wonderful words, they really struck a chord and it came just in time. Reading this post made me realize that I shouldn't settle for a guy who has been treating me badly. Sometimes it's easy to forget because of loneliness and jump at that chance because of fear that it might not come again. We need constant reminders like this to put ourselves first.
So true, Tricia, and know that you're so not alone in going through this. We all need to be reminded of this regularly to counter that fear and loneliness that tends to creep up all too often. So glad this resonated with you, my beautiful friend. 🙂
Hi Jane,
I am seeing a good guy, but there is just one thing missing....that SPARK.
This man is considerate, listens to me, remembers who I am and really puts a lot of thought into my likes, dislikes and interests.....and always keeps his word. I can't really say that he is physically my type (and I guess that's where the SPARK is lacking), but he has a lot of other qualities that I really love and appreciate.
Perhaps I'm looking at this all wrong. What can I do to bring that spark into the relationship? Perhaps you can tell me something that will make me look at the situation differently.....or in a more mature manner.
Thanks,
Tonya
The absolute best thing you can do, Tonya, is give it some time to see what happens. Sometimes, that spark never comes - or at least enough of a spark to keep you interested and it becomes something that just isn't the right relationship or person for you. Other times, it comes slowly, with more of a subtle growing attraction than what you might be used to, or feel it should be like.
I know that I would go to all kinds of different places, do all kinds of different things, and take every opportunity to see him in different real life scenarios where you have a chance to see every side of him - and the way you are together. This isn't about making something work that clearly that you know in your heart isn't there. This is about the less clear. The subtle - could it be? Could this be about me and what I've been used to or led to believe it should be like? Could it be about my own unhealthy attraction to another type of man that I'm not able to see this one in a true light?
Each of us will have different questions, but the point is to dig deep within yourself to determine what you're really looking for and if this guy might fit the bill if you're aware of your own blind spots and issues. It's about being realistic about what someone is really like who will be the one you're looking for, apart from the programming and the fairytales.
It's not about settling; it's about being clear on what matters, and letting go of what doesn't. And what that looks like will be different for each one of us. You'll know, Tonya; listen to your heart and your head, watch and observe, and know that you deserve nothing less than the real thing - someone who you might be surprised about!
Thank you Jane, for your awesome advice... Exactly, why he is an ex! Re-reading it now, and yes, I do trust my instincts NOW.. Feeling the best I´ve ever felt, so my intuition is way better ; ) .. The HEART always WINS! Happy Valentine´s Day, Jane & friends!
Thanks for posting this. It rang so true for me. I just realized in January that I had been settling for someone who was not on the same page as me--I found out he had three different jobs in the time we were together and was not always honest. I am glad I took off the blinders and realized before it was too late. I deserve much better and raising the bar.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Emily. It's always our well-intentioned blinders that keep us from seeing the reality of what is!
Exactly. Keeping those blinders off from now on and not going back even though he wants another chance.
This is so so good,like a confidence booster
I'm so glad you enjoyed this, ibukunoluwa. That's exactly what it's meant to be, because we forget just how powerful we really are all too easily.
Well, this reminder is perfect timing for me in my life...right.now! It's true for all relationships, not just met, we enable those around us to box us in and treat us a certian way. I'm sick of lowering the bar for bad behavior! Great post, thanks!
So very true, Lauren - and I'm glad the timing of this post worked for you 🙂
Oh my God, this is so good! That´s what I just said out loud, after reading no more than a couple of paragraphs... Just today I got a phone call from a guy I used to date, love, accomodate and even cook for... I guess he might want some of that spa treatment... So on the phone, I was kind, I told him I appreciate him... And before we agree to see each other- girls, do you think he even deserves another chance, after basically disappearing years ago?- , I would like to know what his intentions are... What for am I even going to make time for him, really?
I felt strong, in control, and very sure of myself... And at the same time, compassionate for all the pain I have had before, when I did take whatever crumbs they gave me...
- Monica.
P.S. Jane, you are so awesome, your blog is premium (inbox me if U want to monetize it as you could), and you are SO GOOD at articulating what we women can feel in situations with men... As we are getting to true love ; ) THANK YOU!
You're so sweet, Monica, thank you for your kind words. 🙂 Whenever an ex appears back in the picture, begin by asking yourself why he is an ex and then trust your instincts on whether he deserves that second chance. You will know in your heart if you're putting yourself first 🙂
Yes, this is so true. I have given up being what I am not and have decided to start being what I am! No more games!! I know there is a REAL man who will understand me and want me as I am!
You've taken a huge step, Rebecca; it takes courage to be able to stand up and be who you really are and resist the games and the pretenses that come so easily to so many of us. You deserve nothing less than exactly that real man who is looking for exactly who you are, and now he will be able to see you clearly when he's ready for you, too.
Hi Jane!
I know our minds tend to gravitate to the negative things about ourselves especially when someone we loved is not with us anymore.
Being in relationship helps us see things we need to work on as well as things we are all ready good at.
What do we do when we are single and those negative feelings are still there from the past.?
I am tired of beating myself up and also tired of burying the deep sadness caused by old hurt.
And I am tired of bringing up old memories and processing them..there are too many to process but yet they are there.
Will I find someone who will stay with me even tho I still have old hurts to process?
It also doesnt help when my seratonin is so low and dopamine levels are so low becasue I got tested and do have low levels of feel good gormones because of too much stress amd bad relationship..
I feel like my female hormones are also causing all these feelings to feel worse. !
I am working on my whole self and still feeling deep down a little hopeless. When the person meets me I am one way but what do I do when they really getv to know me?
Will a man still love me?
I have to get rid of these negative feelings and becasue of my past relationships not turning out the way I hoped I feel bad about what happemd still! It is both of us who made the decisions! Anyway
I wonder if at 54 people still realize there is a little bit of last years feelings still around but the point is a good supportive relationship actually makes things feel less daunting! Meeting a guy who is able to let us still feel our feelings when they come up would be wonderful! I'm just afraid of the old feelings coming up.
.I am taking your course By the way and it really helps!
Let those old feelings come up, Kelli. Don't be afraid of that. That beautiful kindred soul who is going to love you for you won't be scared off by your feelings. You WANT them to get to know the real you! This is how you'll know. Not all at once, there's nothing to dump on him or show him all at once, but in the gradual getting to know process that keeps you from putting all your eggs in one basket, you gradually discover more and more about each other until you both feel safe to be more of who each other is. That's the beauty of this. The more you discover who you are and accept it all - imperfections, too - the more you'll be used to that feeling of someone accepting you, too. You deserve nothing less! And I'm so glad my course is helping! I can't wait to meet you at the end. 🙂
Thank you so much for this!! This is something that I needed to hear and will re-read from time to time to keep me headed in the right direction.
You're so very welcome, Renae; I'm glad this resonated with you!