you deserve to be loved

He's a Commitment Phobe Narcissist, But I Keep Taking Him Back!

Our beautiful friend Michelle is dealing with a situation that so many of us loving, caring women find ourselves in. She knows in her head that he's a commitment phobe and he's going to continue to break her heart over and over again, but she just can't seem to let go.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I wrote to you about a year ago regarding a three year relationship I was in with a "great" guy who just wouldn't commit - the typical commitment-phobe narcissist who we all know and love!

He broke up with me three times. Each time he cited the "you deserve better" rationale. I was devastated each time I was discarded by him. It felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under my feet. I let these experiences severely impact the way I felt about myself and the value that I brought to the table in any relationship. It turned into a pretty bad self loathing project for quite a while.

Ironically, to the outside world I looked like a very accomplished, fit, pretty, confident 43 year-old single mom who had it all together. But on the inside I feel like a worthless, desperate woman who's not even good enough for a 46 year guy with plenty of problems of his own. I had convinced myself that I would never feel about someone the way I felt about him. Never have that kind of connection again, especially at my age. He ended up moving to a different state and I asked him to not contact me any more.

Here's where the story gets good. After the devastation really sank in and I let myself feel the loneliness, I started to get myself to a really good, strong place where I felt confident and in control again. I knew what I wanted and who I wanted to be. Things were looking very sunny.

But then, as if he could literally smell this confidence from afar, he came back into my life. He appealed to me on every emotional level he could think of and slowly but surely I let him back into my heart. Once again, I believed everything he said. We made arrangements to meet up in different places. Always very romantic and exciting. Always involving sex. In the year that we've been broken up, I've seen him at least 6 or 7 different times. I even spent Thanksgiving with his whole family. Each time he would say that he loves me and still wants us to be together and was going to find a way to make it all right.

And I believed him. All the while, still putting my life on hold and living in this state of limbo. Only this time, there was no real commitment so he didn't have to feel bad about what he was doing. The most recent contact happened only a short two weeks ago. We met up, had sex, great conversation, real connection and then poof! He's gone. There were a ton of emails and phone calls leading up to the encounter but now that it's done, the contact has all stopped. And I get the impression that he is actively dating other people, although he will never admit to that. This is a man who will attempt to eternally keep his options open.

So long story short, my question to you is HOW do I stop myself from letting him back in? How do I keep myself from feeling like such a loser? I'm a smart girl who knows better. I see the signs. I have the intuition. I know what is really happening here and what the best course of action is, and yet, each time he attempts to creep back in, I LET HIM! It's my fault, not his. How do I end this once and for all and not get consumed with all the thoughts about what he's doing, who's he dating, what does she have that I don't. etc. etc. etc.

I don't want to waste another second of my precious life on him or this, but I just don't know how to get there once and for all. Any help or advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

My Response:

Dear Michelle,

I’m never surprised when we find ourselves right where you are, right back where we promise ourselves we’ll never go. It’s because this is not about him. This is about you. And that’s the best possible scenario there could be! Do you see how powerful you are? You draw him to you by that power, by that beautiful metamorphosis that occurs when you’re finally finding your wings and ready to fly. And there he is; he’s back. He knows.

The most simple answer here, Michelle, is that when you find out why you believe you need to have someone like this in your life, you will be able to say no to him and let him go. He will no longer hold such power over you.

But you have to love yourself enough to do exactly that. To be able to let him go, to not go back to him, to stop thinking about what he’s doing who he’s doing it with, you have to be willing to stop playing his game. You have to want to. And few of us do.

There’s something drawing you in. There’s something he’s got that you need on some subconscious level that is worth more to you than the pain of the heartbreak and the havoc it wreaks on your own beautiful life.

I’m willing to bet it’s in your story.

There’s something there that says you need someone like this to try to convince of your worth to prove you’re worthy. There’s someone you’re trying to prove this to.

And while you may have created this package of all that you are and all that you have to offer that someone who’s truly right for you is going to love about you, there’s a belief system that says the opposite going on within your thoughts and the words you tell yourself without even realizing it.

Find those words. Find that little girl inside who’s so drawn to someone like this who can’t love her or give her what she deserves, but she still keeps trying anyway. Who’s telling her these lies?

It’s deep, Michelle, because it’s our conditioning and our beliefs that shape our behavior and cause us to do the things we do as if someone else was controlling our actions.

Whether it’s the fairy tales we innocently absorb as children, the media with all its misplaced messages equating hurt with love, the drama of the one person you could never quite get to love you, or the epic love story tragedy that you believe belongs to you, it competes with your own logical reality for your response to him.

It ends when you take back your own power. When you take that outdated story, those old tapes with their permanent setting of repeat, and you refuse to be a tragic heroine any longer.

You’re not.

He doesn't deserve you.

You deserve to be loved.

You have to love yourself enough to choose you instead of him this time, Michelle. He can’t give you what you want. You have to find it in you. It’s there. But until you change what you’re telling yourself, he’s the one holding the power in your own mind.

Make a list of what he offers you. And what he doesn't.

Make a list of how he treats you, and what you deserve and compare the two.

Write a letter to him that you don’t send of everything you want to say to him but never do.

You can’t wait for him to release you. The releasing can only come from you.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any ideas for our friend Michelle? Please share them with us in the comments!

Settling - What It Is and Isn't

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A sign on an easel reads "Don't Settle" referencing the idea of settling for less than what you deserve in a relationship Settling.

It's such a small little word, but it speaks volumes.

It carries such a huge weight of thoughts and ideas, of repercussions and fears.

And yet, do we really know what it means?

We don't want to settle for less than we deserve (and we shouldn't be settling for less than we deserve).

But what, exactly, do we deserve, and what, exactly, does it mean to settle for less than that?

If all we were looking for was to fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after, we would do exactly this. It would be easy. One way or another we would cross paths with someone who was stable and grounded, was ready for the same kind of relationship that we want, who we could connect with on some levels, and who we could enjoy spending time with.

He would be the type that wanted a real relationship, who wasn't afraid of committing to a lifetime with us and raising a family together (if that’s what we wanted) and growing old together as loving companions.

He would be everything we knew should be enough for us and yet, for reasons that only we can understand, he's not enough.

Because it’s not about that.

We don’t just want that house in the suburbs with the husband and family to grow old together with. We think that’s all that we want, and we tell everyone that's what we want, but the truth is that we want so much more.

It’s because we absorbed it all

All those hidden messages, all those subtle themes we were spoon fed growing up by the stories, the media, movies, television, books - even our own families.

We bought into the dream of so much more that was only part of the fantasy we were fed.

We heard about knights in shining armor coming to rescue us, we saw the images of the prince’s kiss that brought us back to life. We learned that we had the power to melt even the coldest beastly heart and make him fall in love with us and us alone.

And as much as we've grown up in an age where women can rescue and save themselves and do practically everything our male counterparts can do, that old programming is still very much alive and well inside us.

We may cover it well, we may be independent in every way imaginable, and yet, still there lingers the leftovers of the words, the thoughts, the images, the conditioning that whisper a very different story than the outward one we live.

It’s the life within us that we’re talking about here.

We may think we’re not like this, but our stories, our patterns, our pasts reveal just how true it really is.

It happened to me, too. I didn't – and couldn't – see it either at the time when I most needed to. I searched high and low for exactly the opposite of what I said - and believed - I was looking for.

What I was really searching for was the romantic fantasy that I didn't even realize I wanted so badly. I insisted that I was only looking for someone to love me and for me to love, someone who would make a wonderful husband and father to our future children, but in reality, what I was looking for was so much more complicated than that.

And so, I shouldn't have been surprised that I attracted exactly what I was actually searching for. Confusing, complicated men who said one thing then did another, who promised so much, but delivered nothing but heartache. Men who seemed so full of potential, but wreaked havoc on my self-confidence and my self-esteem.

But I understand why now, because I realize it’s about so much more than just happily ever after or someone to fall in love with.

We make it about so much more than that

It’s someone to complete us. It’s someone to prove our worthiness. It’s someone to show the world that we’re OK after all. It’s someone to slay our dragons, to defend us to the end, to help us rise to the places that we don’t feel quite comfortable being by ourselves, or we don't think we can get to ourselves. It’s someone who just by their presence grants us entrance to that widely accepted social status club that belongs only to couples.

This is what it’s about.

It's quite a tall order

And it says something about the type of women we are. It’s no coincidence that we’re the sensitive type. The ones who wear our hearts on our sleeves, with the soft loving, giving, caring hearts of gold that understand what everyone else needs better than we understand what we need ourselves.

Who else can absorb these messages like we do, the underlying themes that weren't just the stories we were told or the images we were shown, but they became the very lifeblood of our own stories and themes?

We absorbed it all.

And so it’s no wonder that we can’t just settle for someone who loves us, who we love, too, who wants the same thing as we do and makes this all so easy.

We've convinced ourselves that we need so much more.

We want to make someone love us. We want to change someone’s ice cold heart. We want to convince someone we’re worth it all. We want our own epic love story.

And in the process, we've confused what it means to be loved and we've made it into something that has so little to do with the real kind of love that's all we really ever need.

We've confused settling with the simplicity of love and in the process, we’re settling for every other kind of behavior and treatment in return.

We can call it so many things – and we often do. But in the end, the truth is told.

We want someone to slay our dragons. We want someone to fill us up, to make us whole, to complete us, to give us permission to live the lives we never knew we had in us. To make us rise and help us stand. Oh we've been doing exactly this on our own for longer than most of us would like to admit, but it’s not the same. We want the rest of the story.

We want the fairy tale.

It’s time to come back down to reality

You know, that place where we've never spent too much time. We've lived in the past trying to figure out the why, and we've lived in the future trying to picture the when and the how, but we've never lingered for very long in the simple, steady place known as the now. The present reality. Where things are simply as they are and not as we long to make them out to be.

That’s the place where we find true love. Real love. It’s not about a fantasy or a fairy tale or an epic love story or fiery sparks. It’s about two real people looking for love with someone who’s on their page, who wants the same thing, and isn't afraid to admit it or make it happen.

And that’s exactly the only way it does happen!

And yet, watch us for a moment, and we may try to run.

Because it doesn't feel like we pictured it

It doesn't have the dramatic music or the breathless vibe or the fluttering heart that makes it recognizable to us. There isn't any drama or extreme emotions running wild. It’s not quite like you imagined after all those subtle little messages you were given, the ones you don't even remember getting, but your subconscious mind does.

But there's a good reason it doesn't look like that. Because it's real.

This is what you'll find if you let yourself see it. If you’ll give someone a chance who doesn't take you from 0-100 in a single second. If you’ll allow yourself to get to know him well enough before you decide he’s not exciting enough for you. If you’ll entertain the idea that love the fairy tale and love the reality might just be two very different things.

And the reality version is the only one you really want.

I know it’s a change, and it’s not an easy one. But trust me when I tell you you’ll be happier than you ever could have been without this shift. The other stuff is about you and your programming, not real love.

This stuff, the reality kind, is about love. Don’t go one more day settling for less than the real thing.

Take a second look at that kind of cute guy who’s waiting for you. No, not the one who turns your world upside down and has you repeating all your old patterns all over again.

The new one.

The one who’s calling when he said he would. The one who’s asking you out with enough notice that respects you have a life. That shows he really wants to see you. The one who wants the same kind of relationship and the same kind of life that you want.

The one we pass over because we think it's not exciting enough and we don't want to settle for less than exciting.

But the truth is that chasing the fairy tale and going for the excitement of the roller coaster ride is what settling really is. Settling for the crumbs of a relationship instead of the real thing.

There’s only one person who’s keeping you from having the kind of real love that you've always wanted: You.

It's time to stop settling for less than what you truly want - real love!

How Your Hidden Beliefs Are Ruining Your Love Life

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What do you think of when you think about true love?

Do you think it absolutely happens to everyone, or do you think it's very rare, and only happens to others - you know, the ones who are lucky, beautiful, talented, or have something else that you don't seem to have?

You’re not alone – I used to feel that way, too.

I would look around at all of my happily married friends, (or worse, the ones who were soon to be married as I went to look at wedding dresses with them and be fitted for my own bridesmaid dress), and wonder what they had that I didn't because I was convinced there had to be something in them that wasn't in me.

I know exactly how you feel.

You feel like they have something that you're missing. That there's some secret you don't know about, or aren't capable of. That they have something you don't.

They always seem to have something we don't have – we even tend to use the phrase "you're so lucky" when referring to the guy they found.

And it only seems to get worse the older you get.

You can just feel yourself staring at that hypothetical, but still very real biological clock ticking away, as you do the math in your head: If I meet him right now, and we date for a year, then get engaged and married a year later, I'll be (insert any horribly old-sounding age here).

It's enough to drive even the most stable, intelligent woman to extreme anxiety levels, leading to that downward spiral where we can find ourselves doing all the desperate things we promised ourselves we’d never do.

But there’s something you need to know about this because it doesn't have to be this way for any of us, and especially not for you.

You see, that very thinking is a big part of what's keeping you from having the kind of love that you want in your life.

That kind of thinking leads to fear – the fear that you'll never find the right guy. Fear leads to anxiety, and anxiety leads to desperation.

It's a downward spiral that you have to get yourself out of as quickly as you can.

But I also know that it's not as easy as it sounds.

In order to get out of this downward spiral that you're caught up in, you first need to know exactly what your true thoughts are about love, and why you have those thoughts.

We might think "Yes, I know that love is everywhere", but deep down inside we don't really believe it. This is due to your life programming, whether it came from your parents, teachers, or other role models in your life, or you friends and peers. In fact, you're still being programmed, even at this stage in your life - not the least of which is by the media, movies, television shows and magazines.

But armed with this knowledge, just be being open to seeing this programming for what it is, you also have the power to change it. It doesn't have to be this way because this isn't what love is at all.

Here's the truth:

Love isn't particular. Love isn't selective. Love doesn't just gravitate towards the people that are perfect. In fact, some of the most imperfect people were the ones who were getting married all around me!

Love is everywhere. Love is for everyone, including you.

But it’s not necessarily the kind of love that you've been programmed to believe in.

It’s not the kind found in fairy tales - that's the kind that doesn't exist in real life.
It’s not the kind that’s led you to believe you have to prove your worth to get it - the kind that you have to work for.
It’s not the kind that you have to try to find by being something other than your true self with someone who isn't capable of the kind of love you’re looking for.
It’s not the kind that has you accepting whatever crumbs someone is willing to throw at you in the name of love.
It’s not the kind that conquers love if there isn't love there in the first place.
And no, it’s never the dramatic roller-coaster kind.

It is the kind that happens between two people who are on the same page who want the same level of commitment with each other and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

It’s real. It’s authentic, and it happens between two real people who understand all this and refuse to settle for anything less.

But you have to be open to seeing the difference between what love really is and who it’s for and what your very powerful belief system - the one you've been creating you're entire life - would have you believing.

You have to be willing to see the difference – and take a chance on experiencing that difference for what it is. Real. Authentic. True.

And that is exactly what you do deserve. All of us do.

Because when you change your outlook on love to one of abundance instead of scarcity, to one that’s available to every single one of us, you will open yourself to accept the love that is flowing all around you.

All you have to do is be open enough to allow it in.

See it, notice it, accept it.

And know that it's there for you, too.

What beliefs about love are you holding onto that might be keeping you from having the kind of love you want? Tell us about it in the comments!

Go Where You Are Loved

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Why is it that we keep finding ourselves with people who don't love us like we deserve to be loved?

It doesn't matter whether we're talking about our friendships, our acquaintances with co-workers or our romantic love relationships, the point is the same. We're often drawn to people who aren't good for us.

There are so many reasons. Whether it's because of our backgrounds, our internal programming, our belief systems, the way we view ourselves or the false belief that we have to do something to be loved, we keep finding ourselves in that same place we think is the best we can do.

We don't even realize it.

It's so subconscious, most of the time we don't even realize it. In fact, even when we have that twinge of something not feeling quite right deep within us, that feeling of unease or anxiousness that we can't quite put a finger on, we still choose to stay where we are, believing that everything will work out if we just give it some more time.Continue Reading

Should I Have Stuck Around?

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A letter from another beautiful reader, Katrina:

Hmmm... where do I begin... it's been over three months since I broke up with my now ex-boyfriend and since then I can't help but feel that I did something wrong.

I knew it wasn't normal to have crying spells every morning on my way to work because of the way he was acting. First of all, I'll admit I made mistakes by breaking up with him on two separate occasions during our year and ten month relationship.

I understand it's not normal to break up with someone but each of those times I broke it off because I felt unappreciated, unwanted, and unloved.

Might I add, I immediately apologized and talked through our problem. The day we broke up he was staying with friends (a married couple and two other friends) at a beach house. He had been there for over four days with minimal contact with me. I was happy he was having such a great time.

The day I was supposed to meet him at the beach house, the weather was going to be awful. I suggested he come home and we could catch a movie and spend some time with each other. He didn't like that one bit. He accused me of "trying to ruin his vacation."

We went back and forth and eventually I began to spill what I had been holding back. I told him I was lucky to have minimum of four consecutive hours in a day with him while his friends got four whole days; I didn't like the way he was so rude to my family; the way he had no problem pressuring me to love out but I was scorned for bringing up marriage; and the way we rarely we went out on dates.

I asked lastly if I was asking for too much and he answered yes. I've made mistakes in the past and when he has pointed them out I always go above and beyond to remedy it. I guess I expected that from him.

I expected him to say you're right it's going to rain I'm on my way.

I felt judged by his friends.

I know I'm worth so much more. I wouldn't have invested four years of my life into a degree and graduated with honors from both schools if I didn't think I was worth something. I wanted him to be proud when he talked about me to his friends.

Nevertheless, he made me feel ordinary.

He was overly worried about trivial things such as spending the night. Not the fact that I was going somewhere, that I was stable, and longed for a family with HIM- no one else. I can't say it was all bad. When he tried my gosh he made me like a princess.

Nevertheless, I'm hoping to get an unbiased opinion- was I wrong?? Should I have stuck around?? Is there a chance he'll come back?

- Katrina

My response:

Trust yourself here, Katrina. There was a reason you broke up with him numerous times before. There was a reason you were having crying spells every morning on your way to work because of the way he was acting.

You knew something wasn't right, and even if you wanted to believe that you were the one with the problems, that you were the one making the mistakes, the reality is that it always takes two to make a relationship work, so this relationship was not your sole responsibility to take on!

You saw the signs that his friends were more of a priority than you, your body and mind and soul knew all this even if your heart was the last to finally accept what they already knew.

When you love like you do, my beautiful friend, when you give and hope and believe like you do, you so want to believe that it will still get better, that anything is possible and that he will still come around and commit to you like you so want him to.

But the problem with that beautiful hope is that when it's spent on someone who isn't worthy of you, who isn't there on the same page as you are and who doesn't want the same thing you do - and whose behavior clearly shows this by how he treats you! - then it is you who sells yourself short by questioning yourself and taking more than your share of the blame - and the guilt - for what you did or didn't do.

Take back your power, my beautiful friend. Don't go there. Don't get caught up in second-guessing yourself and questioning whether or not you did the right thing. You know. No more apologies, no more taking more responsibility for this than he's willing to take. You don't want someone in your life who is so quick to judge you, so quick to point out your mistakes, and so quick to place the blame on you.

You never have to beg for anything, Katrina. Love is your birthright. To be loved is not something you ever have to fight for. Either he loves you or he doesn't. Either he treats you the way you deserve to be treated, or he doesn't. Either he's on the same page as you or he isn't.

This isn't about him. This is about you.

You have so much to offer someone who's deserving of you. You have so much to offer someone who wants the same thing as you and treats you like the prize you are and not like someone he can treat however he chooses and expect that you'll always be there for him. We can forget what we deserve and settle for crumbs all too easily sometimes; but this is never what we deserve.

You absolutely did the right thing here! Of course it never feels that way when we look back and recall the good times more than the bad. When you're still alone, and he seems to have moved on all too well without you, it's only natural that we question ourselves and rethink our decision and wonder if there's still a chance he'll be back.

Only if he's there, Katrina. Only if he's on the same page as you and wants the same thing and is willing to do whatever it takes to build a real relationship with you and make that happen. That's what real love is and that's the absolute least of what you deserve! You know who you are; you know all that you have to offer someone who proves himself to be worthy of you.

Honor that beautiful woman you are, Katrina; be proud of yourself for being able to see what wasn't there and being strong enough to walk away even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Choose you, not him. Hold your own head up high; you know what you deserve!

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Did Katrina do the right thing? Tell us your thoughts in the comments!

We're All Human

10 Comments

I was searching the internet for an electronic version of one of my favorite quotes by Sarah Ban Breathnach.

I clicked on this article from USA Today, and I have to say I was more than a bit surprised.

It was an article about this brilliant author that most of us came to identify with through her best-selling books of the 90’s, Simple Abundance, and my own personal favorite, Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self.

But it was not the story I was expecting - the story of an author who found amazing success writing about her beautiful philosophy of everyday abundance.

No, this was the story of what happened after the success. The story I did not know about. The one where she lost everything and found herself washed up on her sister’s couch with only her old cat and the clothes on her back.

Because, you see, my beautiful friend, although we’re always so quick to assume that everyone else has something that we don’t, that everyone else – and especially a successful author like Breachnach - has something that we lack and thus we can never have what they have, the truth is that there is always so much more to these stories.

And as we read here, this is about so much more than the outward loss.

“The problem wasn't money. It was her emotional baggage about love and pleasing others that she attached to money, dating back to childhood.”

It was the shame.

“The worst was the shame. Here she was, a best-selling self-help expert, swamped by bills she couldn't bring herself to open, much less pay, whose creditors were threatening to call Oprah and expose her.”

Even though she was a hugely successful writer, she still fell prey to the same emotional traps that plague nearly all of us. She still fell into the same pitfalls on the journey to love, the journey to finding herself, that we all fall into at one time or another.

We're all human.

Do you see a pattern here? It doesn’t matter what you achieve on the outside. It doesn’t matter what kind of name you make for yourself or what level of success you achieve for yourself in the eyes of the world. It doesn’t matter how much money or love you find.

If you don’t believe in yourself, if you don’t give yourself permission to live the life you were meant to live, if you don’t shed that old emotional story of having to please others and believing you have to do something or be something in order to be loved, then nothing is going to change. At least not for long.

Regardless of who you are.

So take them all down off of those pedestals you so easily put them on. Every single one of them, and especially the ones who you especially admire and look up to because they seem to have everything that you don’t.

They don’t.

They don’t deserve to be loved more than you.

They don’t deserve to be happy more than you.

They aren’t anything more than you are.

They don’t have anything you don’t.

They aren’t any “luckier” than you.

They're just like you.

You see, it’s always easier to live with ourselves when we can credit someone else and discredit ourselves. It’s easier because then we don’t have to do anything different. We can stay stuck, we can stay right where we are, believing that there’s nothing we can do to change our lives because we just don’t have what they do. It's something external.

It’s time to change that way of thinking, my beautiful friend.

It’s time to recognize all that you truly are! It’s time to believe in your own potential, in your own possibilities, and give yourself permission to live the life that you were meant to live.

Because living for someone else – or everyone else – is no way to live.

Because trying to please someone – or everyone – is an impossible standard that was never yours to live up to.

Because feeling ashamed – of anything! – is never what any one of us deserve, regardless of what we think we’ve done.

It doesn’t matter who you are, where you’ve been, or what your story is. You, that beautiful woman who has so much to offer, and nothing to prove, have everything you need to be all that you are, to create the life you were made for, to make your dreams come true.

It all starts with believing this, it continues with a plan, it happens when you start somewhere and keep moving. One step, one new way of seeing yourself, one belief in yourself at a time.

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He's a Commitment Phobe Narcissist, But I Keep Taking Him Back!

Here's her story:

My Response:

You deserve to be loved.

Settling - What It Is and Isn't

It’s because we absorbed it all

We make it about so much more than that

It's quite a tall order

We've convinced ourselves that we need so much more.

It’s time to come back down to reality

Because it doesn't feel like we pictured it

How Your Hidden Beliefs Are Ruining Your Love Life

Here's the truth:

Go Where You Are Loved

We don't even realize it.

Should I Have Stuck Around?

My response:

We're All Human

We're all human.

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