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A World of Regrets

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sad woman walking on the city street at sunset
Refuse to take on what was never yours to carry.

All those things you think you should have done differently, everything you think would have made all the difference in the world, the truth is it wouldn't have changed a thing.

Because if someone has such impossible expectations of you to expect that you are only worthy if you are perfect, then believe me, you don't want any part of them!

You've tried perfect.

You've tried being everything to all people and especially his kind of people.

Where has it gotten you? Has it brought you any closer to the kind of love you yearn for?

Or has it only brought you more pain, more hurt, more trying to measure up to someone else's standards who, for all their potential in the world, likely has no clue about love?Continue Reading

It's Hard Enough!

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A beautiful woman is frustrated with her head in her hands.
Do yourself a huge favor, right now.

Isn't that how you feel?

Everything already feels so hard, and then you have someone who isn't on the same page as you when it matters most.

No matter how hard you think it is now, it doesn't get any easier the longer you wait for someone to come around and change when the warning signs are there if you could trust yourself enough to see them.

Life is messy. Relationships aren't fantasies.

Who you are and who he is are products of years of programming - mostly the subconscious kind neither one of you are even aware of. Until the honeymoon is over and you're only left with reality, because the beginning wasn't who he really was.

At least not in a way he could indefinitely sustain.

It's why we excuse away those little behaviors that are actually the seeds of huge red flags. It's why we let those small things we don't want to make a mountain of slide, because of our own inherent confirmation biases.Continue Reading

He's Everything I've Ever Wanted, but I Don't Feel the Spark

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A beautiful woman is thoughtful, wondering if she needs to feel the spark.
I just don't feel the butterflies that much.

Our letter this week comes from our beautiful reader, Kristina, who's found herself in a relationship with a guy who's checking off all kinds of boxes for her, but not the one's she's used to.

She's wondering where to go from here and I'm hoping my advice, along with your experience or thoughts on this ever-returning subject of "the Spark" will give her the clarity she's looking for.

Here's her story:

Dear Jane,

I have never done anything like this. I really hope to receive a response, or to at least receive some notification if you make a blog post. Regardless, if you are reading this, thank you for your time.

I have just read your post about the elusive spark and how you say that it is not something that matters because it goes away anyway. It was so incredibly helpful.

Additionally, reading all the comments and seeing how many women struggle with the same thing, made me feel much better too.Continue Reading

7 Things You Need to Do Different to Attract Someone Different

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A beautiful woman is on a romantic date with a man.
Here's what you need to do if you want to attract someone different.

If we're going to change who and what we attract, if we're going to start seeing something different in who and what shows up in our lives, we've got to start by making some big changes in how we're actually living our lives.

Today.

Not tomorrow. Not when we have more energy or time to get this right, but right now.

Here's what we're going to do:

1. Stop making anyone - and yes, I do mean anyone - the center of your universe.

It's not good for either one of you.

YOU'RE the center of your universe.

And no, that's not selfish. That's a healthy way to live your life based not on yet another fantasy but on reality. The one you control, not someone you give all your control to hoping for a different result than the one you've gotten so used to seeing.Continue Reading

Why Love Always Seems So Complicated

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Unhappy couple after fight not talking to each other
Does this relationship that feels so complicated work for you?

Is it supposed to be this complicated?

That's the question I was asked by one of my clients the other day. And just like I explained it to her, let's settle this issue for you as well.

Love isn't complicated. It's only because the only kinds of love we've ever known have been complicated, convoluted and conditional that we're so confused on this one.

When you're with someone who isn't playing with your heart, who doesn't need to project their own insecurities onto you to cover their own to make themselves feel better, you simply have two people getting to know each other and building a relationship based on earned trust.

You navigate the relationship together.Continue Reading

What No One Ever Tells You About Real Love

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Close up of man and woman holding hands in the sunset.
It's the part about real love they left out.

I wasn’t real.

They, on the other hand, might have been. But I would never know.

Because until I was able to get real, nothing was real. What I came face to face with was the reality that I didn’t know how to be real. I was too busy trying to be perfect.

Trying to figure out what it was they wanted me to be and then being that. Trying to prove my worthiness, my perfectness, my "perfect girlfriend-ness".

That’s all I knew. And that’s what I thought mattered.

I knew I wanted someone to choose me, to make me feel like something. To give a life to fit into. To give me a world to fit into and a role to play. To give me the instruction sheet on how to do a relationship.

Just tell me what you want me to be and I’ll be it.  Continue Reading

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