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Dating a Married Man

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Close up of womans hand using mobile phone on a bokeh background, symbolizing that her boyfriend doesn't text her.
He still texts me every day.

There are many things I could say about becoming involved with married men, mainly to say don't.

If you want a prescription for heartache (not to mention the moral and ethical guilt that comes along with it), that's a sure one with someone who's involved with someone else, let alone married to them.

But regardless of these moral and ethical issues, the fact remains that I hear from many women who, for various reasons, become involved with men who are married. I'm responding to one of these letters today and hopefully my response with help those of you who are asking the same thing she's asking here, too.

Her story:

Hi Jane,

I was desperately unhappy (have recently become divorced) in my marriage when I surprisingly connected on Social Media with a man I knew many, many years ago.  We were at the same school, but I really didn’t know him well then.

He lives in another county, so we hadn’t even crossed paths apart from innocently liking each other’s photos etc.Continue Reading

First He Pursued, Then He Dropped Me Like a Hot Brick

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A beautiful woman with her face in her hands because her self esteem is so low.
I opened my heart to this man.

Today I’ll be answering a question that beautiful Jenny sent in. She tells her heart wrenching story of betrayal from a guy who pursued her, told her everything she wanted to hear, only to suddenly pull away, growing cold and distant.

So what happened?

Here's her story:

OK, well here I am in my late forties and I was discarded by my husband three years ago. Devastation followed.

Two men since that and they were not the right ones for me as they eroded my self-esteem hugely so I ended it with both of them. I recently lost everything, my home, job, financial status due to my ex-husbands stupidity and running away leaving, me to deal with everything.

The guy who moved me warmed to me instantly, we seemed to have a connection right from the start.Continue Reading

My Husband’s Long-Single, Classically Emotionally Unavailable Friend is Now Engaged!

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Picture of man putting wedding ring on woman hand signaling engagement.
What was it that finally made him commit?

“Ok,” I said, when we were finally alone. I had been waiting all afternoon for just the right time to ask him this question ever since I had heard the news.

“What is it about her? Why is she the one who won your heart?”

He was the one I was always curious about. He was the quintessential “emotionally unavailable man”.

He had it all. Good-looking, successful, all-around guys guy; he epitomized the strong, silent type so many of us have long tried to change.

He had a string of long term relationships in his history with women who had all been relationship material, vying to be the one who would finally win him over.

But no one ever did.Continue Reading

Why Do I Still Feel Like I Love Him?

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A beautiful woman sits on a park bench wondering why she loves him.
I feel like I'm just punishing myself when I contact him.

Beautiful Kim writes to tell us about an emotionally unavailable man that she's fallen for.

Here's her email:

Dear Jane,

I have read your articles and wondered whether you might be able to help me.

I am a 54 year old woman. I married young and stayed married for 22 years. My husband was very controlling and so we did not have friends.

Eventually one of my sons told me to get away from him and I found the courage to leave.

I have a good job (clinical nurse manager.) I have nice girlfriends who care and support me and I live alone in a little cottage with my little dog.

For 7 years I had not felt I wanted to be with any man. Then 4 years ago I met  someone, a doctor from Poland who works 2 weeks on and has 1 or 2 weeks off when he goes home to Poland. He is 39 years old.Continue Reading

Dying Inside

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I love him still so much and I'm so depressed and I don't know what to do. Please for the sake of God help me, I am dying inside. A beautiful middle-aged woman is crying with her face in her hand.Friends, we have one of our beautiful sisters who is literally begging for our help! You can read her question below (edited for readability), along with my personal response, but she is also asking for advice from our community. Please help her by giving her any advice that you can offer in the comments.

Her Letter…

I beg you all to help me. I have been in a relationship for 8 months with a married man who was supposed to be in divorce proceedings. He had a big problem, a sickness, in lying to me all the time. I moved in with him, as he's no longer living with his wife and child, then I discovered from his wife after calling her (I was suspicious so I got her contact info) that she is the one who wants the divorce and until now he didn't. We suspect he didn't want to pay her money rights which is quite a big figure and he can't afford it now. I discovered that he used to call her and go to their home for the sake of his kid no more, but when I asked him he said that he never calls or goes over there, and he just sees his kid at the club!! I confronted him after finding out the truth from her, he didn't utter a word and started saying that it was just for the sake of the kid and that he never planned to return to her at all. I took my stuff and left him and I pray to god never to bless him, I love him still so much and I'm so depressed and I don't know what to do. Please for the sake of God help me, I am dying.

Signed, Strawberry

My response…

Know that you made the right decision, Strawberry, and be so proud of yourself for standing up so strongly for yourself and what you deserve, even though you feel like you are dying inside right now. You deserve so much more than what this married man was giving you, and it's only in standing up for yourself and refusing to settle for this type of treatment of your beautiful self, that you will find the love that you truly deserve.

This is the hardest part; right when you make this decision to leave him. But you will get through this, you truly will, even if it seems so hard and sad right now. Focus on you, Strawberry, and the beautiful woman you truly are, with so much to offer someone who proves himself deserving of you. Someone who is available to you now, not in a loosely promised distant future. Someone who is honest with you that you can truly trust with your tender heart.

Take this time to do those things you never knew you could do, stretch yourself, take advantage of new opportunities and try some new activities that give you an opportunity to meet new people, both male and female, and do new things. Give yourself a fresh new look, update your wardrobe, or do whatever else that gives you a fresh outlook on life, and the confidence that you can do anything. There is so much more in store for you.

Surround yourself with support, from people who truly care for you, and that support your decision, and know that you also have my support and the support of everyone here. This will get easier, over time, so be gentle with yourself. We all make mistakes, we all learn, and we all get to the other side only from learning some things the hard way. You are so not alone, Strawberry, even if it feels so lonely right now.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for Strawberry? Please share them with her in the comments!

One Big Happy Family – But Where’s My Boyfriend?

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A beautiful woman spends time with her boyfriends family at a picnic when her boyfriend is out with his friends.
Yes, he's out with his buddies again.

I remember it well. It was a Saturday night, and I was off to the mall - again - with my guy’s mom.

Yep, you read that right.

Not with him; not with my girlfriends. With his mom.

See here’s the thing; if I couldn’t be with him on Saturday nights, (you see, that was the well-rested, high-energy day he saved for going out with his buddies while I got the end-of the-week exhausted Friday nights), then the next best thing to me was to be with his family.

Any of them. Even his brother-in-law.

There we were on the couch. All four of us. His mom, his dad, his brother-in-law and me. Watching television after we’d gotten back from shopping (his mom and me - remember?)

His sister was working late again, or she’d have been there too.  So there we were - one big happy family, right?Continue Reading

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