self-confidence

Who benefits?

A woman is standing near a railing looking over the water, thinking about letting go of her relationship. — It only keeps you trying too hard.

Who benefits from you believing you have to be perfect to be loved? Who gets rewarded when you hold the belief that you have to be something different than who you already are to "get" a guy, especially one of the good ones?

Who?

Is it you?

No, of course not.

These beliefs only keep you striving, trying too hard, discontented, lost, constantly searching for how to be better, different, and more perfect than who you already are.

We spend all our time, energy and money trying to gain that illusion of perfection that we don't even realize is only an illusion because we believe if we finally get it right, everything else will suddenly fall into place.

All those messages we've been told from the time we were old enough to read or watch TV or be marketed to in so many different ways, they've all told us the same thing.Continue Reading

The One Thing You Were Never Meant to Do

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A brunette woman feeling lonely in her relationship sits looking at the ocean. — Let's try something different this time.

You were never supposed to fit in.

Not the way you thought.

You with your one of a kind way of seeing the world.

You with your own unique essence of being in the world. No, you were never supposed to fit in.

You know why you feel like there must be something wrong with you?

Because everyone's been trying to get you to conform and fit in the way they wanted you to your entire life.

Now imagine you trying to go against the grain and resist that when that's all you've ever had reinforced for you.

Not easy, is it? Continue Reading

I Was Beautiful for 3 Months

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Beautiful woman looking into a mirror. — I've said those exact same words myself.

It was just a comment that came into my inbox, but it was these words that caught my attention enough to know there was something more that needed to be said.

Why?

Because I've said those exact same words myself and I know so many of you have, too.

How many of us have felt these same words? When we're loved, we're beautiful. When we're no longer loved, we're no longer beautiful.

Isn't that what we feel?

There's no shortage of messages we receive that tell us we're beautiful when we're loved. There's no shortage of confirmation of those words from even our well-meaning friends and family who comment on how radiant we look when we're basking in someone's love.

We get the message.Continue Reading

Remember When They Used to Ask You This?

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A woman holding a dandelion in her hand blowing it away making a wish, signifying letting go. — It’s time for a new question.

When you were a little girl, they used to ask you, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

You had so many answers back then.

But no one asks you anymore.

When they stopped asking, you stopped asking. You stopped dreaming. You stopped planning. You stopped hoping. You started looking back instead of forward. You started believing another voice.

Not the one of hope, but the one of the opposite of hope.

Hopelessness.

They convinced you you’d lived your best life already.

That you’re too late.Continue Reading

An Open Letter to The Women Who Posted "Can't I Even Unpack One box?"

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Beautiful woman sitting on floor surrounded by moving boxes face in her hands crying. — "Can't I even unpack one box?"

To the woman who posted that she thought she was a failure because her therapist is frustrated she can't do the "seemingly innocuous thing that most people have no trouble doing, but that represents lots of trauma to her."

It involved unpacking boxes, she said. "Can't I even unpack one box?"

Girl, there’s nothing wrong with you!

I work with women just like this all the time who were “bad” at therapy, who didn’t get anywhere in their counseling, who have nothing to show for all their years of working on themselves!

There’s nothing wrong with you, there's nothing wrong with your counselor, it’s just we all learn and grow and have our shifts in different ways.

Just like so many of us concluded that we were “bad” at math.

It’s not that there’s some inherent math deficiency in us; it’s that we now know that we don’t all learn the same way! They didn't know that back then, when it was an old, intimidating male teacher repeating the same lesson at our desks that he’d just said up at the board - but this time ending with the ominous question, "You can see that now, right?"

Ready to Let Go and Move On? Ask Yourself This First

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A woman is looking up at question marks above her head. — You need your answers. You need to find out why.

There's something you need to know.

If you're not ready to move on from someone, if all you want is to be with him, regardless of how he's treating you right now, because you believe in him and who he is underneath the outside veneer, because you love this man no matter how dysfunctional a love it is, then nothing you do to try to move on or get over him is going to work.

Nothing.

You'd only be fighting yourself in the process.

It's so important for you to understand this because telling yourself it's not working, that you can't move on, that what people are telling you to do, like going no contact or seeking therapy, won't work anyway because you tried that before, only becomes true if what you're currently doing is actually working for you.

I've been there.

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Who benefits?

The One Thing You Were Never Meant to Do

I Was Beautiful for 3 Months

Remember When They Used to Ask You This?

An Open Letter to The Women Who Posted "Can't I Even Unpack One box?"

Ready to Let Go and Move On? Ask Yourself This First

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