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You are here: Home / Archives for not that into you

He's Left Me Drained and Confused

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A beautiful woman looks confused and drained with her chin resting on her palm.
I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Beautiful Kim has been in an on-again-off-again relationship with a guy for quite a while now, and she's left feeling nothing but drained and confused. Sound familiar?

Here's her story:

Hey Jane,

So I met this guy Tommy almost 8 years ago.  When we first met he pursued me, got my number from his friends, texted me all the time etc. etc.

Long story short I have a son and had issues necessarily finding a sitter for him and had to cancel a couple dates. We stopped talking after about the 3rd time. I never once stopped thinking of him.

Over the years we have always tried re-connecting, hanging out. He is the guy that opens all the doors, buys all the drinks, says "Yes sir" and "Yes ma'am."  

When I'd get ready to leave his house he'd refuse to let me leave and wanted me to lay with him till the morning. Even saying things like "I really miss how you fit in my arms." Promising to go do things such as football games, bike rides, etc. etc.Continue Reading

I'm Getting Mixed Signals - Is He Into Me?

2 Comments

A group of male and female friends are out together socially at a restaurant.
Sometimes he seems interested, other times he'll totally ignore me.

Our letter this week comes from beautiful Jaime, who's getting mixed signals from a man she's interested in and she's wondering if he's into her or not.

Here's her letter:

Hi Jane,

I've been getting mixed signals from this man that works at the same place as me that I find attractive for a couple of months now. One minute I'm absolutely sure he's into me, the next he's ignoring me completely.

I wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation so I left it at that. But then he tells my friend he finds me attractive even though we still don't interact much outside of work related matters.

He apparently is always inquiring about me so she arranged for a night out with people from work including him.

We talked a little "group conversation" about work mostly, exes, etc. - whatever topic someone brought up. I again concluded based on the way the night went that he wasn't into me and put it behind me.Continue Reading

Is He Into Me or Not?

16 Comments

A woman rubs her head because she's confused wondering if he's into her or not.
I'm so confused - he's giving me mixed signals!

The letter this week comes from one of our gorgeous readers, who has chosen to call herself "A". She's getting mixed signals from a guy at work, and she's asking herself "Is he into me or not?"

Here's her email:

So, I work with this man (think he's under 40, I'm 48). About 7 months ago we were at a mutual friends party and were dancing and being silly. I went to say something to him and he pulled me close, and it was then my tummy flipped and I realized I liked him.

So every time I saw him from then on at work he'd say hello and we held eye contact, so a few months on and it's clear we like each other. Then I bumped into him when we were out and we ended up having a kiss (he said afterwards he'd wanted to do that for ages) and swapping numbers.

After some texting back and forth we arrange to go to the cinema (my idea). I was really, really nervous but it went OK. Afterward we had a few pecks and he said about going out again, this time for a drink. Yay.

When I got home I text to say thanks and I'd had a good time and was looking forward to going for a drink and he said he was too.

So I text him later that week and said I was free over the weekend if he wanted to go for a drink.

He replied that, when he'd got home he was worried he was leading me on as going to the cinema felt to much like a date, and he didn't want to be dating anyone neither was he looking for a relationship, then went on to say he thought I was really hot and attractive and that's why he'd kissed me on both occasions and he'd happily go for a drink as he thinks it would be fun.

I stupidly replied he hadn't led me on (but clearly he had) a drink sounded like it would be fun and not to worry. The thing is I think he's maybe just not into me, I deleted his number in case I was tempted to text him.Continue Reading

The Truth About "He's Just Not That Into You"

33 Comments

Calendar showing that he hasn't called.
There's another part to all of this...

When I say you can never be too much or not enough for someone who is truly right for you, when I validate you for being who you are, when I advocate for you and every woman like you to stand in your own beautiful feminine power instead of bending and changing for a man, there’s a reason.

There will always be the easy answer, the simple answer that someone could argue. If he was really that into you, he’d be with you.

And while on the one hand I’ll agree with that statement for the most part, there’s another side to this that creates a fallout that no one ever talks about until it’s happened enough times that you go digging for answers and find your way here.

And that’s when you begin to see yourself in a whole new light. That’s when the answers you just knew had to be there suddenly appear.

Because I’ve been there. And I've seen both sides of this story.Continue Reading

3 Subtle Ways to Let Him Know You Like Him

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A beautiful woman leans in to whisper to a man in a flirtatious manner to let him know she likes him. I've gotten several questions about how to let a guy know that you like him, that you want to be more than friends, and that you're interested in a romantic relationship with him, so I wanted to delve into that today.

This is the kind of situation where you already know him, maybe you have mutual friends or you work together, and you're just trying to figure out how to let him know you like him. That you want to be more than friends.

As we all know, this is a bit of a sticky situation. On the one hand, you want to let him know that you find him attractive and that you're interested, but on the other hand you also know that you'll be seeing him again, and you may not want to risk being rejected and feeling embarrassed every time you run into each other in the hallway or at a party.

Here's the thing. If he's interested in you, he's probably feeling the same way – maybe even more so. He may be feeling very nervous about asking you out or letting you know about his feelings also, and for the same reasons.

So what's a girl to do?

The only way to handle this without risking taking a devastating shot to your self-esteem is to remember one word:

Subtle

But what does that really mean? And how subtle is too subtle? It's that tricky balance between being too coy and being overly flirtatious.

Here are three simple things you can do that will convey the message that you're interested in being more than friends to all but the most oblivious of men:

Touch him

As human beings we all crave being touched. It gives us that sense of being connected to others, that sense of bonding.

I'm not talking about sexual touching, but things like simply touching his forearm when you're talking to him, or putting your hand lightly on the side of his shoulder when you laugh at his joke. A little bit of touch goes a long way, and in these hurried modern times, we can all use more than we're getting.

Of course the opposite it also true – don't overdo this one, because as I said, a little goes a long way. I would say a few touches over a thirty minute period is plenty to let  him know you're interested.

Compliment him

A well timed compliment can really send him message that you like him as more than a friend - but keep in mind, the same thing applies here – you don't want to over do this one or you'll come off as a bit too obvious or desperate.

It's all in the delivery – make sure you feel confident and that you're feeling good about your own attractiveness. Make sure you're feeling fairly sexy and desirable, and that you know that you're the one doing the choosing.

Then give him a compliment that's subtly obvious that you don't mean it in a friendly way. For example, if you like the shirt he has on you can say something like "That shirt's very sexy" as opposed to "I really like your shirt". Or tell him that he really knows how to make you laugh, and follow up with something like " a good sense of humor is very attractive".

Flirt with him

But just a little. If you're out with a group, and you're standing near him, lean in to him to say something to him that's just meant for him – maybe you're people watching and want to point out a couple and you lean in to him and ask him if he thinks they're on a first day or if they've been dating for a while. You're not really whispering, but you're leaning in to him and quietly saying something like "What do you think their story is – first date?" It works well to couple this with touching his forearm while you ask (see number 1 above).

This does two things – brings him closer to you (he can smell you, he gets that feeling of closeness, and you're touching him) and also puts the idea of a date in his mind. It's also playful, like a game to see if you can figure out who's on a date in the room and who's not, which is always flirty and fun.

Remember to smile and make eye contact, and of course keep reminding yourself that you aren't sure if he's the right guy for you (this will keep you from getting too nervous – after all, you're still not sure if you really want to be with him or not).

If, after trying these subtle techniques, he still doesn't get the hint and ask you out on a date, then he's either not interested in you, he's interested in someone else more than you, he's already taken, or he's not interested in women in general.

There's also an outside chance that he's so painfully shy that he's still too nervous to ask you out. I don't generally recommend this, but if you're pretty sure this might be the case (and you like the quiet, reserved type who errs on the side of caution), then go ahead and just tell him that you're interested, or ask him out yourself. There are rare occasions where this happens and the relationship works out, but just be prepared that you might not get the answer you're hoping for.

The key is to put yourself out there and give him enough subtle hints to let him know you're interested without becoming the initiator to the extent that all he has to do is respond. If he's interested, he'll want to pursue you, to convince you that he's worth your time and energy, and he'll respect the fact that you're confident enough in who you are and what you have to offer that you're willing to give him the go ahead to show some interest too, without worrying about being rejected himself.

Remember not to take his response - or lack of one - personally. Regardless of what he does or doesn't do in response to your subtly letting him know you're interested,  what he does with this is always about him and his preferences and are no reflection on you - or your self-worth!

Just like you don't want everyone who approaches you, you too only want to be with someone who wants to be with you.

How about you - what do you think is the best way to let him know you like him? Tell us in the comments!

3 Things to be Thankful For In Your Love Life

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A beautiful woman is smiling in an autumn scene, thinking about 3 things to be thankful for in her love life.It's Thanksgiving here in the United States, and I wanted to take the opportunity to let all of you know just how thankful I am that you're all here, and for the words of encouragement that you share with me and with our community.

I also wanted to thank you for sharing your lives with me and touching my heart with your personal stories.

If I had my wish, I’d want all of us to spend Thanksgiving together this year.

Forget the logistics, because, yes, I’m well aware that we’d have to rent a small stadium to hold all of us, but wouldn't it be wonderful?

All of us together, free to be our best, most beautiful selves, free to do what we want and live the way we want. Just enjoying the day without worrying about what others are thinking, wondering if they're judging us for being alone.

You could just be.

You could just enjoy.

Free of the worry about those inevitable questions from your well-intentioned family members about whether you are dating anyone, leaving you to wondering about the hidden messages behind the questions.

Barring us all getting together in this one joyous gathering that I can, at least right now, only dream about, we can at least be with each other in spirit. We can feel good knowing that we all have a safe place to turn, a community of beautiful, encouraging women that we can reach out to in order to get the support we need.

So, in the spirit of being thankful, I wanted to convey to you a sense of what I hope for you to feel this holiday season. I want you to see that it’s not about any lack. It’s not about anything you don’t have. It’s about what you do have!

It's about seeing the opportunity, the endless possibilities that lie before you. It's about being grateful for everything that you have in your life right now, and forgetting about what you think might be missing. You see, what very few of us see when we’re still in it, when we’re still in that place where things aren't yet the way we pictured our lives at this point in time, is that we have some very special things to be thankful for.

So, while there are many more, and I'll ask you to come up with your own that apply to your specific life and circumstances, to get you started here are three things you can all be thankful for in your love life right now:

1.  You!

Yes, you know that beautiful woman otherwise known as you? The one that knows her own worth, who refuses to settle for anything less than she knows she deserves? You know how she figured this all out?

By going through what you've been through.

By being willing to put yourself out there and refusing to let your heart get hardened.

Few of us learn the things we do without going through our heartbreaks the hard way. Few of us remain unscathed. And yet, just by getting to this point, just by finding your way here, you’re showing that you've got that resilience to rediscover your true beautiful self and find a love for yourself first that you never knew you were capable of.

It’s only when we learn to love ourselves like this, that we shine that beautiful light of our true selves bright enough so that someone who’s truly deserving of you will be able to see exactly the woman he’s been looking to find in you.

2. That he didn't call or wouldn't commit.

I know it seems like the last thing you want to be thankful for. After all, that’s exactly what you wanted – you wanted him to call or maybe you were hoping for a commitment from him.

But please hear me when I say that if he wasn't there, if he wasn't on the same page as you, the very last thing you would have wanted in the end was a guy who was leading you on, giving you just enough to keep you hanging, wasting your life away waiting for him to finally be ready for commitment.

You would have found yourself in that miserable kind of a non-relationship with a guy who isn't really into you, a guy who is committing just enough for you to stay stuck in a relationship that he didn't really want.

No matter how much you wanted it to work out, know that you only knew the part of the story that was all about the potential only you were seeing; the rest of the story was the reality that he knew he wasn't on your page. The only ending that two people on different pages end up with is heartbreak, and you know you deserve more than that.

3. For all that is still to come.

This isn't how your story ends, no matter how much it seems like it sometimes. Your life up until now has just been one story, one way of seeing, one way of living. You are just beginning to catch a glimpse of the life that is still waiting for you.

We can get so stuck in that place of doubt, where we begin to think that the love and the life we desire, the life that seems so effortless for everyone else, is somehow out of our own reach. But when we come to see that there isn't a select chosen few who somehow deserve more, when we come to see that there is nothing we don’t have that someone else has, a type of shifting begins to happen. We start to question, we start to say why not me?, and we start to see the cultural factors that have played into a programming of how we believe ourselves and our lives to be.

With every learning experience along the way, a little more light shines through. A new way of seeing becomes that much more of a possibility, and a new energy and confidence begins to replace what was once only heartbreak and despair.

It doesn't matter where you've been, or what you've been through. See yourself the way I see you; see all that is still to come for you the way I see it for you. You haven’t been forgotten, you haven’t been passed by. Keep that beautiful dream alive in your heart and soul and don’t let anyone or anything extinguish it.

You have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday and every day!

How about you? What are you thankful for in your life right now? Tell us about it in the comments!

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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