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Long Distance Relationship? 3 Questions to Ask Yourself

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At some point, every long-distance relationship needs to have two people be together to see if this is really going to be the relationship it promises to be. A beautiful woman is walking through the airport looking at her phone dialing her long distance relationship boyfriend hoping for commitment. So many of you have come to me with questions about long-distance relationships and how to make the best of them and what to do when you’re in them, that it’s time to delve a little deeper into what makes them work or not work. Whether they’ve turned into a long-distance relationship because he’s gone into the military, because he’s taken a job somewhere else, or whether you’ve been apart from the start, the reality is they’re never easy to be in, especially when your heart wants to be with him. You just never seem to have enough time to talk about the things you want to talk about when you don’t see each other on a regular basis.

So how do you make it better? How to get through this? What do you with the insecurities and doubts that this type of relationship often brings up? There are always so many questions, but few answers.

Here are a few questions you need to ask yourself:Continue Reading

Your Best Response When You're Not Getting the Commitment You Want

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If you've let him know that you expect the same level of commitment from him that you've given him, and he can't give you the commitment that you're looking for, then there’s only one thing for you to do. A clock is showing that it's time to move on.It all seemed so incredible. He seemed so amazing. He made you feel beautiful when you were together – and even when you thought you weren't.

Your relationship had all the makings of the real thing. All the fireworks, all the excitement, all the magic.

Until suddenly, you’re noticing some subtle changes. He’s not calling as often. His emails and texts are fewer and shorter. He’s busy a lot more often. He’s a lot less romantic than he used to be. If you've been intimate, he becomes less intimate.

His plans may or may not include you – unlike before when they always included you. He’s showing up late and doesn't call to let you know he’s going to be late.

You bring it up.

You tell him that you've been noticing some differences and you want an explanation. He says he’s just been busy with work or tired lately and that nothing’s changed with him. So you let it go. But you miss the way it was, and you don't understand why he's suddenly getting emotionally distant.Continue Reading

Your Actions Say So Much More than Your Words

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You deserve nothing less than someone who calls you often and with enough notice to get together. You deserve nothing less than someone who knows what he's got in you and knows what is required of him if he wants to be in a relationship with you. A beautiful confident woman looks into the camera.You know this scenario all too well. He's not calling you as often as you'd like; he's waiting until the last minute to make plans with you; you're feeling taken for granted. You're not sure what to do to turn things around, but you don't want to lose him; you've never felt the way you do about him with anyone else before and you don't want to risk losing him by saying how much you want more than he's giving you right now. But still your heart longs for more from him, and you struggle with just how much to say or not to say and what to do with all of this.

Where do you go from here?

You have a couple options. You can talk to him. You can tell him how you feel. You can let him know what you need from him. You can have that heart to heart talk that he doesn't want to have, but you need to have. You can try to change him by telling him all of this and more. You can hope that by communicating your needs directly with him, he'll know what he needs to do and make those changes you want.

And he might.

But the reality is, all too often it doesn't work out that way. And you only feel worse after talking with him; he doesn't respond well and subtly pulls away even further and you're left regretting saying anything in the first place. Which makes you feel even more scared of losing him, makes you cling onto him all that much more, making you feel more insecure and doubting yourself in the process. It's a cycle that can lead to that all too common place where that unhealthy push and pull pattern comes into play, with us pushing for more and him pulling away, a pattern that can be so difficult to change once it tugs on our deep-seated insecurities that stem from our own abandonment issues, and his feelings of being stifled that come from his own background issues. The more you feel triggered, the more he feels triggered, and before you know it, your relationship can become more about everything going on beneath the surface than it is about the two of you!

Or you have another option.

Instead of talking to him, you can choose to look at yourself. Instead of telling him what you need him to do differently, you can show him by your actions and your behavior exactly what your boundaries are. Instead of the focus being on him, the focus is instead on someone you can actually change; yourself! Instead of depending on someone else to do something different and change to give you what you need, by choosing to focus on you, he doesn't feel smothered, and your feelings of security and confidence in the relationship (and thus your self-esteem) aren't dependent on what he does or doesn't do, and you're not looking for him to prove how much he cares about you by whether or not he responds to your requests – when in reality his response is about how much he is feeling out of control and smothered and not about how much he cares about you!

Do you see the difference?

So if you want him to call you more, instead of telling him you want him to call you more, you don't return his calls right away, or even at all. And not because you're playing games with him, but because you're focusing on you and making you the priority. You're dating more than just him because he hasn't shown you that he's exclusive with you yet. Or worthy of being exclusive for! You're focused on the things you enjoy, you're keeping a full life of your own while you're watching to see where this might lead. You're out there doing things, finding your passion, following  your dreams and not staying at home waiting for the phone to ring or continuously checking to see if your cell phone ringer is on in case he calls!  You're living your life first and foremost with the focus on you as the icing on the cake, and not a relationship with him!

If you want him to make plans with you earlier in the week before the weekend rolls around, you let him know you already have plans if he doesn't ask you until Friday morning. Because you do already have plans! You didn't wait around for him this time to see if he was going to ask. You went ahead and made your own plans without waiting around for him this time. Sure, you prefer to do something with him. But the reality is, the only way he's going to get the message and start making his plans with you earlier, is if he sees that you require this of him. By your actions! By the fact that you're busy when he finally calls you!

It may take a while.

It may take a while to get used to this new side of you; this confident, self-assured version of yourself that you never knew you had in you. But the reality is, if you want him to treat you differently, if you want to start having the type of relationship that you want with him on your own terms, without you on the begging end, but with you feeling like he's finally treating you the way you know in your heart you deserve to be treated, the way you deserve to be loved, then this is how it happens.

This is the real you!

You deserve nothing less than someone who calls you often and with enough notice to get together. You deserve nothing less than someone who knows what he's got in you and knows what is required of him if he wants to be in a relationship with you.

The key is just remembering this yourself, believing in yourself, and having the confidence and self esteem to know this is the real you.

Don't Go There

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It's been awhile since it ended, and you start thinking that enough time has gone by that it might be nice to reach out and see how he's doing. A beautiful woman is looking at her phone considering calling her ex.It's been awhile since it ended, and you start thinking that enough time has gone by that it might be nice to reach out and see how he's doing. To see how he now feels about you, about the relationship, now that some time has passed. To see if anything has changed.

You didn't really want it to end, but he wasn't ready for what you were ready for, and things just weren't the same, so you finally accepted that the only thing left to do for yourself and your self-esteem was to let go and let him go free. It just wasn't working out the way you'd so hoped it would.

Or maybe he ended it, saying he just wasn't ready for any kind of real relationship, the kind of commitment you were looking for from him.

It ended.

Whatever the reason, whoever initiated the ending, whatever it looked like in the end, it ended.

And now, here you are, thinking about him again, about what might have been, about what could still be if only he would give you and the relationship another chance.

You had no idea just how much this would hurt. Just how painful it would be to live without any part of him in your life, even if what you got from him was so little. This feels so much worse.

So you call him, text him, or maybe email him. And the response you get leaves you feeling so much worse than you ever felt the first time. You can't believe you read him so wrong. He's not missing you. He's moved on. He wasn't waiting for you to call.

Or worse, he doesn't answer you at all, just leaves you hanging on again, feeling worse than if you had never contacted him at all.

Don't go there.

The bottom line is, don't do this. Don't put yourself through this.

You see, my beautiful friend, he knows. It doesn't matter how it ended. It doesn't matter if he ended it, if you finally had enough and ended it yourself or if it slowly ended on its own from lack of attention or attrition, the end result is the same.

He knows that you didn't want it to end. He knows all too well just how much you wanted it to be different. He knows it's about him. He knows it's over because he's not ready to give you what you had every right to want from him in a relationship – the kind of commitment everyone deserves.

But he wasn't able to do it, and he is still isn't. He knows it's his move, his choice. He knows it's up to him. Whether or not he won't, or can't, or just isn't capable of changing, he knows what needs to change to make this relationship work. And nothing has changed if you're the one still reaching out to him for another chance, another try.

If it's going to be, it's not up to you; it has to come from him. And you'll know because he'll be the one reaching out to you. But don't hold your breath, my sweet friend, because he doesn't think like you do. Don't go there.

Call a friend instead.

Call someone you trust your tears with, and let it all out.

Of course it hurts, of course it feels like you'll never find love again. Like you'll never find anyone to love again like him. And of course it will feel like those crumbs you settled for were so much better than this. But they weren't. And he wasn't worth what you put yourself through. And that beautiful, soft heart of yours deserves so much more than this.

No matter how much this makes you feel like love just doesn't exist for you, don't let you heart get hardened. This isn't about him, it's really about you. And how much there is just waiting for you out there if you can go through this now until you get to the other side.

I promise you that one day, this will all make sense, and you will see so clearly what you can't see today, or tomorrow or even the next day after that. But one day, soon, you will wake up after finally being able to sleep again, and you will see that glimmer of sunshine peer out from underneath all those dark clouds, and you will discover a whole new world of love and life just waiting for you to take a chance on it.

Tomorrow's a new day, and it will be here soon. But don't do this to yourself today. It will only make you feel so much worse.

For now, you're learning that you do have strength that you never knew you had, that you do have worth beyond what you ever even knew.

This is your time to find yourself and your you again. Go and find her; she's wonderful.

Is He Worth It?

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Is he really worth it? A beautiful woman is crying herself to sleep over her boyfriend wondering to herself if he's really worth it.I heard you crying yourself to sleep last night, you still haven't heard from him, but you're sure he’ll come around.

Is he worth it?

I heard you talking on the phone yesterday, saying he didn't come home last night, but you tell yourself he probably just had to work late again and stayed downtown with a friend.

Is he worth it?

I heard you turning down an invitation to a party tomorrow night, because he's working late again and you don't want to go alone, again. But you tell yourself it's only temporary, even though it never seems to end.

Is he worth it?

I saw your bedroom light on late last night; you can't sleep because he's supposed to be calling after he gets back from yet another night out with the guys. But he's done this so many times before, and you keep forgiving him.

Is he worth it?

I saw those tears begin to fall when you saw that couple running to meet each other at the airport. But he always tells you not to bother to come.

Is he worth it?

I heard your voice shake when you made yet another excuse for him while telling your friend that you still believe he'll change.

Is he worth it?

I see you, beautiful, looking into the darkness, wondering where he is and whatever happened to the two of you. Refusing to give up on the dream of him and you, yet wondering why you're the only one who seems to care.

Going through the emotional rollercoaster of the highs and lows of being in a relationship with someone like him.

You can't explain it; you love him so, no matter how he treats you, but you also know, deep down inside, that something isn't right. In your heart of hearts you know you deserve better than this, you know there's more to life than living like this, but he's got so much potential, so much of what you want, if only he would grow up.

If only he would realize how much he needs you. If only he would open his eyes to see all that you are and all that you have to offer him.

You've tried imagining life without him, you've tried to picture going it alone, again, you've tried to picture yourself finding that strength within to live the life you've dreamed of, but have found yourself stuffing into the background.

You're going to miss him too much, you say; it hurts too much to let him go. You need him. He's everything you've looking for in someone, if only he would commit to you. You're scared to let him go; he might be ready for that commitment just when you leave. You're scared to be without him. And scared to be with him, throwing your life away like this.

My question to you, my dear, beautiful friend, is this:

Is he worth it? Is he really worth it?

The Top 5 Biggest Dating Mistakes We All Make

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The top five dating mistakes we all make. A beautiful woman is embarrassed and is hiding her face with her hands.Looking back on my single days, there are so many things I would have done differently if I knew then what I know now. So many of these things we learn only from experience; from learning about life and love the hard way.

But the reality is, when we’re in it, when we’re dating, when we think we’ve found someone who might be the one, when we’re feeling that incredible chemistry, when we’re so lonely we don’t know if we can be alone another minute, when he finally notices us and asks us out, when we feel like we can’t breathe if we don’t hear from him, when we’re so scared to lose him, when we feel like without him we have nothing, when we’re sure he must be lying dead in the gutter somewhere because that's the only reason he would've disappeared like that, we can’t see that we’re about to make a huge mistake.

When we’re in over our heads emotionally and can’t think clearly we’re not able to be objective about what we’re doing. And that’s why we do all of those crazy, unloving, disrespectful things we do to ourselves in the name of love (or at least, what we believe love to be). And while I'm a firm believer that our mistakes are actually rich learning experiences if we allow them to be and we choose to learn from them, there’s no denying that there are things we’d rather do differently if we had them to do all over again. Because I had no idea how much heartbreak and misery I could have saved myself if someone had only told me what huge mistakes I was making by doing some of the these things, I'm going to tell you about the huge mistakes you are making (and we all make).

So here’s my list for you of what I consider to be the top five biggest dating mistakes.

1.) Being exclusive right away.

I didn’t figure this one out until years later. At the time, I would have thought that dating more than one person at the same time was just downright slutty. But I’m talking about dating here, not sleeping with anyone. Just dating more than one person at the same time.  Because the thing is that if you’re not dating exclusively, if the guy you’d really like to be exclusive with knows that he’s in the running but there’s others that you’re still considering too, that puts him in the best position possible – one where he has to prove to you that he’s worth going exclusive for. And that also keeps you in a place of high self-esteem and confidence knowing that if he really has that much potential you’ll know before giving too much of your self to someone too early, before you really know them well enough to make that kind of commitment.

Believe me, he will not be turned off by you dating more men than just him. What he will be is competitive enough to know that he wants to show you why you should drop the others and become exclusive to him. A decision that you’ll be much more in a position to make if you’ve got a couple of others you’re dating along with him, even if he’s really the only one you’re truly interested in.

And no, you’re not using the others, because you never know when the guy you’re not all that into throws you for a loop and surprises you with all he has to offer you. After dating several guys for a while you might just find that the guy you originally thought was number two or three surprises you and takes on the number one position.

2.) Getting intimate too soon.

There are so many different views on when it’s ok and not ok to be intimate with someone. While we all know the thrill of that intense chemistry when you feel like you just can’t stop yourself from going there with him, the reality is that this kind of chemistry tends to fizzle out all too soon leaving in its wake your broken heart and regret that you got intimately involved far too soon.

I have found that the best rule to follow here is not the amazing chemistry barometer when you’re in the heat of the moment (which is not going to be very objective) but instead the rule of waiting until you have a firm commitment from him and you’re both exclusively committed to each other. Another good rule is that if you’re not comfortable talking about birth control and STD protection with him, you’re definitely not ready to be giving yourself to someone on the kind of sexual level we’re talking about here. As uncomfortable as those conversations can be, they are necessary conversations to have with someone you’re about to become intimate with.

Ultimately, if you’re not sure, or have any doubt that it might be too soon, trust your gut.  It is.

3.) Calling him when he stopped calling.

This is one I always agonized over. When someone I had been dating suddenly wasn’t calling as often or as regularly as he had been, instead of talking to him directly about it, or deciding to back off myself and start living my life more so that I wasn’t sitting around waiting for him to call, I would get scared and call him. I’d typically come up with some excuse and then call him with something I thought seemed important (which, in hindsight, I’m sure he saw right through).

I’m also sure that I could have saved myself so much heartbreak from dragging the relationship on this way rather than either confronting him with the change, or just accepting that something had changed in the relationship for him and moving on with my own life. The reality is if he's interested, and this applies to whatever stage of the relationship you’re in, he’ll find a way to contact you and won’t leave you wondering where you stand.

And the truth is, where you absolutely do stand is beautifully in your own place, with or without him!

4.) Putting him up on a pedestal.

Hear me loud and clear here - He needs to prove he’s worthy and deserving of your love. If he wasn't pursuing me, if he could take me or leave me, that meant that he was more confident, more secure, more everything than I was. And to me, that translated into he was a real catch, he was someone worth proving myself to that I was worthy of his love.

It didn’t matter if I barely knew him, if I knew very little about his character, his values, his integrity, or even him. I would automatically assume he was so much more than me and I was thrilled that he was paying so much attention to me. What I finally figured out was that this really was about me. And my own lack of self-esteem and confidence that came from deep inside me.

Make sure that you are looking for an equal, a partner in a relationship, not a father figure or role model.

5.) Not being direct.

When I think about all the times I skirted around the issues that would come up, the number of occasions where I remained silent, waiting, watching, hoping and waiting some more to see what he was thinking, where this was all going, wondering whether he would choose me for keeps in the end, I can clearly see now just how much I contributed to my own relationship failures. Instead of wasting weeks and months and even years of energy, time and oh so many tears, I could have found out the answers to my unspoken questions that eventually would come out in the end, right away.

If I had been direct from the outset about what I was looking for, about what he was looking for and about just how much our plans and dreams had in common, I would have known these answers in time to save my heart from the heartbreak that comes from waiting too long, from getting too attached to the wrong person in the name of a dream, and from forgetting that I had just as much say in the relationship and where it was going as he did.

While I was concerned about being too forward, what I had missed was that I could be assertive without being aggressive, if I had only realized that being assertive is much more attractive than being so passive. If I had only realized just how much healthier a relationship is when two people are both able to communicate directly, I would have understood one of the true tenets of the type of relationship I longed for, yet had no idea of how to get there.

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