Finding your YOU that leads to TWO
Lost.
When it’s over. When the reality that this new place is worse than you thought it would be. When you long for the old reality that at least you knew.
How else to describe it except for one word … Lost
No matter whether you were prepared or not, can you ever really be prepared?Continue Reading
Remember back in High School in Phys Ed class where you would stand in line while two of the most popular girls – the captains - picked who would be on their teams?
Pick me, pick me – most of us called out, silently if not out loud.
And then one by one every girl would be picked until the very end when they would divvy up the best of the worst and begrudgingly allow them to be on their teams.
Sound familiar?
If you were like I was then you were one of the last picked, one of the ones who no one really wanted, but at the end would finally be allowed on.
And even if you weren't the last to be picked, you knew that you never wanted to be and always made sure you were good enough to ensure yourself a spot among those who were picked early on or at least somewhere in the un-noticeable middle area. Either way, the culture of hoping to be chosen all too early on became a huge part of all our reality, even if we didn't call it that.
We may not be in high school anymore, but the concept and the culture is still very much the same. Pick me, pick me, we say – usually it’s our silent cry now, but it’s still very much a part of our psyche.
And so it’s no wonder with this memory still fresh in the back of our minds, we still believe we have to be chosen by someone outside of ourselves to be truly accepted in this life.
That’s why we try so hard as if our very life depended on it; because for most of us, it really feels like it does.
And that’s why we take it so personally – because back then, as insecure children, it was that personal. Our classmates were our peers and they were our world for the greater part of our waking hours every single day.
So what they thought of us, and how they treated us, were everything to our growing sense of self-esteem and self-worth. We didn't have the maturity or confidence to know that what they said or did or thought of us didn't matter – that in reality they weren't any better than us even though it felt that way because what we were in was a popularity contest.
We didn't know then that there was a life outside of that culture because that was all we knew and it was all we had.
So it’s of little wonder we've transferred this same culture to our work, to our social life and most of all to ourselves. It’s never left us – it’s such an ingrained part of every single one of us.
Until we can see it for what it really is - a part of our culture and not a part of ourselves unless we choose to make it this way.
We may not have been able to choose a different way or to separate ourselves from the culture when we were children or before we knew any better. But once we know, we are the ones who can take back our own power by deciding whether this is still working for us. We can decide if this type of mindset serves our beautiful selves well, and we can choose what we want to do with it, regardless of how ingrained it is.
You’re the one doing the choosing here, Beautiful. You’re the one who decides whether or not he’s worth your beautiful you based on the reality of who he is and what he has to offer you and not on some potential that only you can see.
Your worth isn't dependent on whether or not someone chooses to be with you or not. You’re the one who’s in control of your own life, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.
We change the old mindset when we expose the old lies that have us believing that we’re only something if someone is choosing us by remembering this …
A woman who knows her own worth doesn't need to chase after anyone.
A woman who knows her value doesn't need to make anyone want to be with her.
A woman who knows all that she has to offer won’t buy into anyone else’s lie that she’s not something without someone else.
A woman who understands that she’s the one doing the choosing never has to convince someone of all the reasons he would want to be with her.
We might not be able to change our culture, but we can change ourselves and how much we allow our culture to be a part of our lives.
You always were, and continue to be, far more powerful than you even know!
Here's a letter sent in by one of our tender readers who is desperately trying to find the strength to walk away from an all too common situation that she knows is unhealthy (the letter has been edited and name changed for anonymity):
Dear Jane,
I have been dating a man for the past few years. We started off as friends, and I knew he was still involved with a woman in another state. He pursued me relentlessly, calling, texting, and being in contact with me every day, consistently over the years. I started developing strong feelings for him, and started wanting more. I never questioned his feelings for me, since he showed it by his actions. I decided to ask him one day this was about two years into the relationship, how he felt about me, and he said he hadn't thought about it. That was hard for me, and it not only bothered me that he never thought about it, but I felt crushed.
I was in so deep already that I continued to see him, and decided to just go with the flow, but in the back of my mind and in my heart I wanted more from him. A couple months ago, he told me the woman he calls his girlfriend was coming to see him, and he would continue to call me, but it might not be as often. He asked me not to be mad, but at this point I felt devastated. It was then I decided that I could not live my life like this anymore. I felt so ashamed and like I was so insignificant.
I started to distance myself, but he kept calling and texting acting like everything was ok. I cut off contact totally for about a week, not answering his calls and texts and that made him mad. The woman left last month, and since then he has become cold and distant towards me. The texts and phone calls were limited to once a day, and a few days there were none. We continued to keep in touch, but the conversations changed to just surface chatter like how our days were, or just checking in.
I know this man is not available for me. After all this time, if he loved me he would want to define what I mean to him, but he says he can't. I am so hurt, and depressed, because things were so good between us, and now he is showing a side of him that I never saw before. The last straw was yesterday, when he said that I knew he had another woman in his life, and that our relationship was never defined. I took that very hard, because by his actions I thought at the least I was someone special.
I no longer want to be involved with him, and do not call or text him. He continues to initiate the calls telling me he is thinking of me, he misses me. I sometimes don't respond, which makes me feel bad, even though those feelings of guilt are lesser for me now. I know I deserve better and need to cut all ties with this man, but it is so hard for me to just walk away. I know this is not a good situation for me, but I can't confide to my friends what is going on, since I put him on a pedestal, and told them how wonderful he was and how he treated me like a princess, he showered me with attention, bought me roses, the whole works, but still can't open up about how he feels about me. I am embarrassed that I went along with him knowing he had a girlfriend and that is why I can't discuss this with my friends. I need the inner strength to walk away. Help!!
Dear Susan,
If you haven't already read my post on letting go of this shame and beating yourself up like this, please read it. You are being so hard on yourself, Susan, and you don't deserve any of this judgment from either yourself or anyone else. None of it.
This isn't about what anyone else thinks, or how you could have settled for being with someone who had someone else in his life besides you. This is about you, my beautiful friend. You can do this. You are that strong. You have the strength to walk away and say to yourself "I deserve so much better than this!" and mean it. Because you do. The irony is always that it's when we settle for someone treating us like this, that we miss out on someone who would never treat us this way because we waste so much of our time and energy and ourselves on this person who simply isn't capable of giving us anything more. But it's never too late to change this, Susan. And you can make that change right now. By refusing to settle for this man and anyone else who could be with anyone else while he's with you. By standing up for yourself and setting a boundary on what you will and won't do in the name of love. Words are so easy to say; so many men have no problem letting loving words bounce off their lips while their behavior is anything but loving.
Know that you can do this, Susan; that there's no shame in what we learn not to do in the name of love when we're in it. It's how we grow, how we learn, even if we're afraid to admit it. You're not alone, there's so many of us who have been there and done things we're not proud of because it was where we were at the time. You're still everything you are, with so much to offer someone who proves himself worthy of you, my beautiful friend. And one day, you, too, will look back on all of this as a learning experience that taught you to believe in yourself in spite of what any he says or does.
You deserve everything love and life have to offer you, Susan; it's up to you to accept it!
What do you think? Any other words of advice or encouragement for our sister reader? Tell us in the comments!
What can you live with?
Whatever he's doing or isn't doing; whatever you want him to do that he can't do, you're not going to change him.
As much as you want him to change, to make a commitment to you, to do something different, the reality is that you are not going to change him and no amount of loving him is going to change him.
So this ultimately comes down to you.
What are you willing to put up with? What is he worth to you? What does having him in your life on these terms – his terms – mean to you?
Would you rather have him in your life as he is, not as you want him to be, but exactly as he is, if it means keeping him in your life, or do you need that commitment from him or whatever else you want from him more than him?Continue Reading
I came across one of my favorite playlists in one of my long-forgotten files today, and one of the titles caught my eye. It was Taylor Swift's We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together. I found it again online and began listening to the lyrics and it all came back to me. There was a reason I loved this song!
Isn't that what we all want to be able to do? Don't we all want to be able to stand up so strong, so confident in ourselves and what we know we deserve, and say these words to that guy, the one who took us for a ride, the one who played our hearts?!
We want permission, we want to be given the right to say something that strong. We want to have that same resolve. That same type of confidence.
Because as much as we want to say this to him, we're scared to. Scared that he might be the one, and we let him go. Scared that there's no one else coming around. Scared that he just might be our last chance.
We're scared that we don't deserve better. Scared to stand up like this and let him know in no uncertain terms just like this that we are done! That we refuse to be treated like this anymore, and we would rather be alone than be with someone like him treating us like this!Continue Reading
What happens to us that we, perfectly intelligent, level headed women suddenly begin justifying to ourselves, beyond all sense of reason, why he’s treating us the way he does, why it's OK that he has rules about how often he can spend time with us, why it's understandable that he needs so much "guy time", why it always has to be the way HE wants it to be?
And why do we continue to believe that we’re so much better off with him than on our own?
We’d be so much better off on our own at this point, so much better off without this guy bringing us down, doing a number on our self-esteem, but we have such a hard time believing that because when it's good, it really is that good, and we tend to focus so much on those moments that we forget how it feels the rest of the time.Continue Reading
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