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How Calling or Texting Him Only Changes One Thing

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A woman is wondering if she should call or text him.
Calling or texting him won't change him, but it will change you!

It's the 21st century. A most confusing time when it comes to the age-old question of "Can I call him or do I have to wait for him to call me?"

And I know you've been overwhelmed with so many different answers to that one question. Everyone seems to have a different answer for you, with different reasons to back them up and different way of letting you know. But behind all this confusion, lies a simple basic truth that has always been the same, that will never change regardless of what our culture chooses to do.

If you call him or text him when you haven't heard from him, it won't change the way he feels about you, it won't change whether or not he was going to call you anyway.

But it will change you.

Because there's something we do with ambiguous situations like this. We go to our #1 go-to place - that place known as "overthinking".

The one where we question whether we shouldn't have said something. Or if we should have said something else instead of what we did say. Where we get hung up on  what he thought, or what his response (or non-response) meant.

Where we blame ourselves completely for what we should have known. Or for even calling or texting him at all.

This is what changes us! Continue Reading

Why the Simple Answer to 'Why Hasn’t He Called?' Is Never, Ever Enough

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A beautiful woman is looking at her phone wondering why hasn't he called or why hasn't he texted meAt one point or another in our dating lives, we've all asked ourselves the all too common question, Why hasn't he called?

And we've all heard the simple (and mostly true) answer:

If he’s interested, he’ll call. If he doesn't, he’s not. End of story.

Hundreds of books have been written around this answer, not to mention the numerous articles and videos all saying the same thing.  You’ll always know by that call. And you’ll always know by the lack of one.

But it's not really the end of the story. At least not for you.

The truth is that there’s so much more to it. You want to know the whole story. You want to know why he didn't call you (or at least text you) when he said he was going to and gave you every reason to believe he would.

You want to know why he didn't call when he asked for your number and told you he’d call you to set something up. How could he have come on so strong and then nothing, you wonder? Could he have changed his mind about you just that fast? Was it something you said, or did, or didn't do?

It doesn't make sense when you look at it from where you stand, when you know that if you were him and asked for your number in the first place, you’d follow up with a call or a text or some means of communication to follow through.

You can’t even imagine ever leaving someone hanging like this.

The reality is, it’s not just about why he didn't call. And it’s also not just about you not understanding and wanting some explanation from him so that you can move on and get on with your life.

It’s about the thoughts that underlie that line of questioning.

What’s wrong with me? is the most common, and also the most damaging. Was I too (fill in the blank)? Was I not (fill in the blank) enough? And then we start with the all too familiar beating ourselves up pattern that begins as soon as the reality hits us that he’s not going to call, that it's happened again, and you find yourself questioning whether you’re ever going to find someone to love you for who you are, to appreciate all those qualities that you’re beginning to question in yourself.

You resign yourself to yet another rejection where you allowed yourself to get your hopes up that he just might be the one, after so many disappointments time and time again.

It’s why that simple answer is just never enough.

It’s why there’s got to be something here to salvage, why there’s got to be more to the story than just that he hasn't called or texted you. Because it’s about so much more than just that.

It’s about you.

There’s only one way to change this. There’s only one way to detach yourself from whether or not he calls or doesn't call, whether or not he texts or doesn't text.  To realize that none of this is personal. To realize instead that if someone isn't on the same page as you, if they’re not looking for the same thing as you are in relationship, if they’re not looking for you, you really truly honestly don’t want them to be calling or texting you.

I know you want a chance to decide this for yourself. I know you want to be the one who makes this decision for yourself. I know you want to come to this on your own once you've had a chance to explore the potential of this person you've just met and couldn't possibly know well enough to make a decision about in such a short time with so little information.

I know it all because I remember thinking exactly along these same lines too. It’s always different when it’s you. You’re always the exception to the rule when you’re the one this is about. But there’s something beautiful in here in this for you.

There’s a reason.

It’s a reason that has nothing to do with what you can possibly know right now. It’s a reason that really does have your back. It’s because you can’t fake who you are or what you’re about and honestly, you never want to. If you could look far ahead into your life, you would see that this moment that seems to matter so much to you, with this text or call holding so much weight for you, isn't what it appears to be.

It’s the Universe having your back. It’s God or Fate - or whatever you want to call it – looking out for you and knowing what’s best for you even though you can’t see it for yourself from where you stand in this moment. It doesn't change the reality that this is exactly why these things happen.

And why they don’t.

You don’t need any more wasted time and energy on someone who’s not right for you. You don’t need to go through anymore heartbreak of falling for someone who isn't going to be there for the long run that you want someone to be there for.

It’s not good or bad. It just is. It’s what’s right for the both of you. It’s two people not on the same page who for whatever reason that has nothing to do with how worthy you are or how lovable you are or how beautiful or amazing you are. You’re all that already. This isn't about any of that.

And this is why it doesn't matter what you want to do when he doesn't call or text. It’s why it doesn't matter if you need to call him or text him just to find out why. You already have the simple answer that everyone and their brother can tell you; but it’s the answer that satisfies you that you really want.

It’s what will bring you your sense of peace and calm that matters. It’s what allows you to release both him and the outcome you were hoping for. It's what allows you to be truly free.

Whatever you need to do to bring you to that, whether you need to pursue him to feel that rejection -that never is - that takes you to the same place you started out from with your self-esteem and self-confidence feeling the effects, that’s what this is about. Some of us need to learn these things in our own way and our own time before we can move on to see what we couldn't see before.

Don’t let anyone judge you. Do what you need to do for you.

Have you been here? Does this resonate with you more than you'd like to admit? You're not alone! Share as little or as much as you'd like in the comments and see for yourself how true this is. I always love hearing from you.

Am I Being Irrational?

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A woman is looking at her smartphone wondering why he stopped texting me every day, and wondering if she's being irrational because he stopped texting me.One of our dear friends, Annie, is wondering why her guy has stopped texting every day, and she's wondering if she's being irrational. Read on for the rest of her story.

Her letter:

Dear Jane,

I stumbled across your website and I loved it! Thank you so much for giving such awesome advices. I actually followed to one of your advices to "confront" the guy and he told me that he really likes me and he wants to make it work so he's willing to try. But well now I'm a bit unsure of what's going on so I hope that maybe you could help me out? Anyway here goes my story...

I met him about 10 years ago in high school but we didn't really know each other that well.

According to him we talked a few times but I honestly didn't remember. I used to have this huge crush on him and we were both really shy so the thoughts of us becoming friends never really crossed my mind. He has this amazing smile that could brighten up the whole room and I remember thinking that he was so good looking.

My crush didn't really last long. After high school we didn't really keep in touch, I went to college that was only 30 mins away from home. He went into the army.

I was browsing on facebook one night and saw that he had posted his address in Afghanistan so I sent him a card just to support him. I thought nothing of it and I actually had forgotten about it.

About a year ago we started to talk on facebook more because I went back to school for nursing and he became an EMT and he wanted to go to school to become a paramedic.

We became somewhat friends because I would tell him about my experiences as a nursing student and as a nurse's aid on the floor. He would tell me stories about his job as an EMT.

I was complaining about my bad luck with dating and he keeps making these comments about how pretty I am and that he's having palpitations just thinking about me... But he never really asks me out. And he keeps saying how better guys will come along and I will find a good one some days...

I got somewhat irritate so I asked him that throughout our conversations I sense that he's interested in getting to know me. So I asked if I was sensing this correctly and he said "I guess I'm clear as mud". We decided that we will meet in real life for the 1st time in 8 years.

I didn't realize that we both got invited to one of our mutual friends' housewarming party a day before our meeting. So we ended up meeting before our scheduled time.

I honestly didn't expect to like him more than a friend in that initial meeting. It was such a weird feeling you know?

We decided that we're taking it slow because we both are in school and life's just really hectic right now. I don't mind going slow, I actually prefer going slow because I made so many mistakes because I was rushing before that this feels fine. This was about 5 weeks ago that we started seeing each other... He usually either text or fb message me everyday.

Last week all of a sudden he didn't text or  message me for 4 days. I was trying to be patient with him but really we all know that we can't be separate from our phones and how long does it really take to just send someone a message? I had not heard from him since fri so on Tues I texted him asking if he was still interested in getting to know me and he said he was. He's just busy and can't really invest the time but he's willing to try to make it work.

So I asked him to text me once a day. It doesn't have to be a lot but just a text everyday.

He's been doing that until today (so it lasted 5 days). I fb messaged him this morning and then I texted him again tonight asking how he's doing (he has a bad cold that lasted for several days) but he didn't reply to both. I know he's online on fb but he didn't read my message.

It makes me question his actions and his words... I know it's only a day but it's not hard to reply back to somebody especially when they care about you right? I mean I haven't initiated any texts since last Tues because I think if he wants to make it work he would message me.

I tried to reply him when I can, I'm busy with school and work too... So here's what i'm thinking of doing... I know that's he's busy but if he is interested in getting to know me he would have text. I'm planning to give him 2 weeks and if he hasn't communicate with me by then I will just forget about him.

I already gave him a chance, and I don't think I can be any clearer with my "demand", right? I know it's only a day and I'm already freaking out... But I'm not sure of what's going on and I'm confused...

I'm sorry if I'm being too wordy, I just want to tell you the whole story so that you know what's going on. What's your take on this?

Is my solution sounds reasonable or am I being irrational?

Thanks Jane!

My response:

Dear Annie,

Thanks for your kind words; I'm glad you've found my website and this is all resonating with you!

I don't ever believe anyone is too busy to contact you in a two-week time period if they're truly interested in getting to know you better, so you'll know more in that space and time.

You're not being irrational; you're doing what you need to do for your own peace of mind! If the two of you are both on the same page and want the same thing with each other (read: if you're truly compatible) then this won't be so complicated and you won't have to ask him to contact you.

It's hard to say what's going on with him, but he may just want to take things slow, in which case, if you decide you still want to get to know him better, you can focus on your own life and treat him as simply someone in the background who you really don't even know well enough to know if he's even worth getting to know.

It's often so hard for us to do this in reality, though, so if forgetting about him completely is easier than taking this other stance, then listen to your gut instincts and decide for yourself what you want to do.

Most of all, remember that there are no right or wrongs here, no rules, my beautiful friend.

If someone wants to be with you, they will always find a way to do just that. But it's in the space that you give them that you find out more about where they stand by what they do with that space. You're always the one in control of your own life, Annie. If this isn't working for you, it's always your decision to choose where you want to go from here.

Hope this helps with an outside perspective, Annie. Remember that you don't have to decide anything if you're still "freaking out". Wait until your sense of peace and calm comes in and move towards whatever that looks like; that's what this is all about.

You.

Your sense of being at peace with yourself and your decisions. And doing whatever it is you need to do to live with the least amount of regrets. You can always change your mind or choose something different.

Let me know if there's anything more I can offer you, I'm always here for you!

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Is it irrational for Annie to expect him to contact her every day? Tell us your thoughts in the comments!

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