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The Trap Most of Us Fall Into

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A mousetrap with a red felt heart representing the trap that many women fall into of comparing themselves to others.You’re learning by now that being anything but your true self isn't going to help you find the guy or the love that you’re looking for.

You’re figuring out that whoever you really are is enough for someone who’s truly right for you, even if you still have some work to do on this one.

You get the idea.

You’re learning how to accept the reality of what is instead of the fairytale that you so want it to be.

You’re recognizing that you’re the one doing the choosing, and not the other way around. That it’s your choice, your decision, and that short-term heartbreak is always better than investing more time, more energy, more of your beautiful self in someone who isn't there and, more importantly, doesn't want to be.

And as difficult as these concepts have been for you to get to, you’re getting there. It’s not just me now saying these things to you, you’re starting to see these truths in your own life and put them into your own words.

But there’s something else you’re doing that isn't doing anything to help your confidence or self-esteem, and you’re not alone in failing to see how this keeps hurting you in more ways than you realize time and time again.

It’s this awful habit so many of us have of comparing yourself to others.

It’s this looking at who’s single and who’s not.

It’s this looking at what they've got that you think you don’t. It’s this competitive type thinking that leaves you feeling so much worse - not better - about yourself and who you are.

Because the reality is this isn't a competition.

This isn't about vying for a place in some love contest where there’s only a select group of winners. This isn't about trying to be more than someone else is or trying to figure out what they have that you don’t and why this makes you wrong.

They have their own story (and it’s probably not the story you think it is).

But it’s not about them.

It’s about you.

This is about finding your own path, finding out who you are and what you need to be happy. This is about learning to love yourself for who you are. Sure, we all want to be our best selves and make whatever changes we want to make to be the best people we can be.

But it’s not about changing the essence of who you are in the process.

It’s about acceptance, love and compassion. For who you are and how far you've come! For all that you have, for all that you are, for all that you have to offer and all that no one else in the world has quite like you do.

For all that makes you uniquely you.

Our culture may have us all believing it’s all about looks; how attractive you are, how sexy you are, how physically perfect you are by a standard that isn't even real, as we’re finding out all the time.

But real love isn't about that. If it were, only the attractive people would find love and everyone else would be alone. In fact, I've discovered it to be quite the opposite. The majority of people who have the easiest time finding love and getting married are some of the most “average” people I know by our culture’s standards.

But to the ones they’re with, they’re anything but “average”.

And it’s also no coincidence that many of the women who have the hardest time finding someone are some of the most beautiful women by that same cultural standard.

Find the beauty in you.

Inside and out.

Make a list of all those beautiful qualities you possess. Use affirmations to help you remember these and post that list somewhere that you can easily see it on a daily basis.

Write out everything you have to offer someone who shows himself to be worthy of you.

You won’t need to convince him of your worth. You won’t need to sell him on you. If he’s the one for you, he’ll see it for himself .  And if he doesn't, let that be your sign. He’s not the one.

That’s always how you know.

Have you found yourself falling into the trap of comparing yourself to other women - either women you know, or in the media? Tell us about it in the comments!

3 Steps to Get the Commitment You Want

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It's time to define for yourself exactly what commitment looks like to you. A beautiful woman is embracing her man in a committed relationship after he has professed his commitment to her in an autumn woodland setting.Not getting the kind of commitment that you want from your guy? Check out this article I wrote for YourTango for a few steps you can take to get to where you want to be…

We all want to feel like our partners are committed to us. In fact, a recent study commissioned by Benenden Health, one-third of the study participants said that they would feel more optimistic about their relationships if their partners showed them more commitment. On top of that, most married participants were significantly happier than their single fellow participants.

So now that science has proven an obvious truth about couples in relationships, what do you do when you aren't getting the level of commitment you want from the guy you're dating? Here are three simple steps you can take to move towards the kind of committed relationship that you really want:

Step One: know what level of commitment you want. Like most things in life, if you're unclear about what you really want out of a relationship then you're going to have a tough time getting it. Life tends to deliver to us exactly what we focus on, so if you're not focused on what you truly want, then it's time to define for yourself exactly what commitment looks like to you. Does it mean dating exclusively? Do you want an engagement ring on your finger or is a verbal profession of love good enough for you? Are you the type of person who feels that it's not a true commitment until you drive off in the limo with the "just married" sign taped on the trunk? These are all questions that you need to answer honestly with yourself. Continue reading on YourTango.com...

It's Time To Celebrate YOU!

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Loving yourself and recognizing all of the wonderful, valuable, and lovable qualities that make you the beautiful person that you are is the first step to having the kind of love in your life that you've been longing for. A beautiful woman is celebrating herself by giving herself a bouquet of flowers.You're pretty great, no matter what you think about yourself. How do I know? Because everyone is pretty great. We all have our own unique qualities that make us special, interesting, valuable and lovable. It's time to start celebrating those unique qualities that make you you. It's in the noticing and celebrating of our own special qualities that we let the light of ourselves shine out for the rest of the world to see. If we don't see it ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to?

So it's time to celebrate this beautiful woman that we all know as YOU! The weekend is here and there's no time like the present, so let's make this weekend into an impromptu celebration of everything that you bring to the table. Let's get started…

Love yourself

Write down three things that you love about yourself – they can be three things that you do really well (think knitting, organizing closets, putting together beautiful flower arrangements) or personality traits (kindness, generosity, patience). Don't sell yourself short – we all have things that we're good at, the problem is that remembering these things isn't one of them. Sometimes the things that we're good at come so naturally to us that we don't even realize what a gift they are. So if you're having trouble thinking of three – don't despair. Just start with one for now, and pay attention to yourself over the course of the day and think of two more. You'll be amazed at how many things you notice that you're great at!

Pamper yourself

Focus on making yourself happy this weekend. A few ideas:

Immerse yourself. Sure, it might be a cliché, but it's a good one - Draw yourself a nice hot bubble bath complete with some relaxing, rejuvenating aromatic bath salts, candles, soft music (or simply quiet if you prefer), and enjoy a long, hot soak. We are all intimately connected to water, and the feeling of water against our skin is simply renewing. Think of how it feels on your beautiful skin (yes, you have beautiful skin!)

Grab a cup of coffee, a friend, your dog, or just your own inner thoughts, and take an early morning stroll around the park and simply breathe in all of the nature.

Curl up on the couch with your most comforting comforter and read that book you haven't gotten to, watch a movie or catch up on your favorite shows.

The point is to do something you enjoy for yourself, and not because someone else wants you to. This is your time.

Go buy yourself something pretty

It doesn't need to be expensive, it just needs to be something that makes you feel special, feel good. Some pretty new cotton panties, a new pair of simple earrings or some new lipstick or eyeliner are all easy ways to bring beauty into your life.

An inexpensive bouquet of local flowers each week from the grocery store in a vase by your bedside table can brighten up your mood on a daily basis and doesn't cost much.

Put your best self forward

Wear your favorite knock-their-socks-off outfit just to go for a walk or to the grocery store. You can't help but strut your stuff with that air of confidence when you're wearing your hottest outfit, complete with all the accessories. Stop saving it for that special occasion and get some use out of it now!

Another way to feel your best is to wear your favorite lingerie under your everyday clothes even when you're doing mundane everyday things like running your errands. You'll be amazed at how much more confident you feel!

Make a dream list

Make a list of all of the things you've always dreamed of doing, both grand and simple. Wanted to walk on the Great Wall of China? Put it on the list. Wanted to go take a sailing lesson? Put it on there. Wanted to check out the famous theater downtown? Write it down. Then organize your list from most outlandish down to the simplest.

Now go down the list starting at the top, pick the first one that you can reasonably do now, and then go do it this weekend. You'll feel great when you scratch it off the list, and then you can plan another one for next weekend!

Connect with a friend

Call up one of your gal pals and let her know that you're ready for a celebration – just because! You can go out and celebrate each other – make a deal that you will prepare to tell her all of the wonderful things that you love about her in exchange for her telling you all of the things that she loves about you. You'll both feel great afterwards!

Loving yourself and recognizing all of the wonderful, valuable, and lovable qualities that make you the beautiful person that you are is the first step to having the kind of love in your life that you've been longing for. And the best part is, it's completely under your control!

So don't wait another second to start your weekend celebration of the beautiful, radiant, confident woman known as YOU!

Bring Love Into Your Life With This One Simple Habit

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Once you make a habit of noticing all of the little things there are to be grateful for your entire life will change for the better. A beautiful woman is lying in the grass looking at a dandelion thinking of everything she has to be grateful for.
"Photo Credit: Copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos"

I've been having a tough day. My son is three days into his second bout of flu this season, just a few days after his little sister finally got over the same flu. He kept me up most of the night, I'm tired, the house is a disaster and I now can't even see the bottom of my to-do list. It's days like this that I dig deep in my coping-mechanism toolbox and pull out the one thing that can consistently pull me out of the deepest of funks:

Gratitude.

That's right. Being grateful.

But how can you be grateful when it seems like everything in your life is going wrong? Well, that's the beauty of gratitude. It can take the most negative of things and magically turn them around to be positive. For example, as difficult as it is to deal with a sick, cranky child I'm grateful that it's not something worse. I can be grateful that there hasn't been a trip to the hospital; I can be grateful that I'm not also sick at the same time. I can be grateful that he doesn't have something that requires chemotherapy. I'm grateful that he's alive.

When you can train yourself to look at life's problems and challenges in this way, it really reminds you of what's truly important, and even what seem like the biggest of mountains quickly shrinks to the molehill that it really is.

I don't do this as often as I should, but when I do spend a few minutes and really look around myself at what I can be grateful for, it always brightens my day, my mood, and my life. And I find that this quickly transfers to those around me.

Once you make a habit of noticing all of the little things there are to be grateful for, your entire life will change for the better. It's not an easy habit to create, and it will take daily practice, but the results that you see in your life will be well worth the effort spent.

The good news is that by cultivating a daily "attitude of gratitude" you will automatically start to feel better about yourself, your life, your circumstances, and even your relationship status. And once you start to feel better about all of these things, you will start to exude this happiness and radiate a level of confidence that you've never had before. A nice little side effect of all of this new found happiness and confidence is that you will start to attract love into your life from all sides, including the romantic side.

So take a few minutes every day, preferably in the morning but it doesn't really matter – whatever time works for you is fine – and think of three or four things that you are grateful for. Write them down if you can. You can keep it short and sweet, but there's something about the act of writing things down really makes them stick in your head. If you're not in a place where you can easily write, or if you don't have a pen and paper (or smartphone) handy, then just close your eyes and quietly think about them in your head.

If you're having trouble, here are a few to get you started:

  • Your friends, your family, your support system (whoever that may be). We all have special people in our lives that are there for us when we need them, whether that be your parents, close friends, or just the people you eat lunch with at work.
  • Your furry little friend that is so excited every time you walk in the door, no matter what kind of mood you're in.
  • I know it sounds silly, but being grateful for the world around you – for flowers and birds and sunshine – can be amazingly uplifting and healing. Feel the sun (or rain, or snow) on your face and really experience it!
  • Be grateful that your past relationships didn't work out (there's a reason you're not with him anymore, and it's because it wasn't right for you).
  • Don't forget to be grateful for yourself – that you are so kindhearted, sensitive, and capable of such love. Think of all of the ways that you've "been there" for yourself, and have taken care of yourself and treated yourself well (and make a note to keep doing those things!).

Another good way to really feel the gratitude is to thank others for things they have done that you are grateful for. It doesn't have to be over the top (in fact, it's better if it's not) – just a simple "By the way, I wanted to thank you for what you said in the meeting the other day", or a quick note to say "I just wanted you to know that I really appreciated how you helped me through my tough day last week. It really meant a lot to me". It's very simple to do, and will do wonders both for the person you are thanking and for your own happiness for the day.

Try this for a week and let me know if it's made any differences in your life, either in how you feel, or in your relationships with others, or both. Send me an email or tell us all about it in the comments.

By the way, I want to let you know that I really appreciate the time you've taken to visit my site and read my post today. Thank you.

I'm very grateful that you're here.

The Truth About Healthy Relationships

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We're going to look at the truth about healthy relationships. You need to first forget everything you think a relationship is all about and what it feels like because your relationship gauge is up when it’s supposed to be down. A beautiful but sad woman is sitting on the floor contemplating her relationship.It's been so long since you've had anything resembling a healthy relationship, you don't even know what one looks like. Until now. It's time to start at the beginning, forgetting everything you think a relationship is all about and what it feels like because right now your relationship gauge is pointing up when it’s supposed to be pointing down. It's not working, and we're going to fix it. It’s OK. It’s not your fault. We’re going to help you get your relationship gauge fixed so that you can recognize a real, authentic, healthy relationship in the future when it's pointing you in the opposite direction.

It all begins with forgetting everything we think we know about relationships. Now, here’s the part we want to learn for the first time. Like learning to read or write, we’re learning together how to have a healthy relationship that makes us (get this part) H-A-P-P-Y. Yes! Happy! Remember that? Remember what that felt like when you actually felt happy? In a relationship?

It's quite possible you might never have known what it’s really like to feel happy in a relationship. Because the happy I’m talking about here isn't the kind where when he finally shows up at your door or calls after you've had a search party out looking for him and made calls to the local hospitals and the morgue – not that kind. That’s the kind where we've been so low in the gutter, completely devoid of any trace of our self-esteem, that by the time we see him alive we’re feeling so relieved he’s still choosing us that we think we're happy.

But really;  is that happiness? Are you really happy in this relationship or is it just that you’re unhappy so much of the time that when anything happens remotely resembling a man caring about us, or at least still choosing to be with us, we feel the opposite of what we usually feel like, so we honestly think we’re happy?

I know. This is tough. I understand all too well. It’s not easy peeling back some of the layers of the feelings and coping behaviors we've had for so long (read: denial) to reveal the truth. I really do get that. It’s not easy to admit to ourselves that this relationship just might not be the equivalent of what happiness is all about (even though everyone else around us may be pointing this out). I know firsthand that denial can run pretty deep when we’re talking about having to do something about this relationship we’re so desperately believing we can change by just being good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, clever enough, sexy enough, enough, enough, enough!

Do you get that? I know that’s tough to hear, but, my beautiful dear friends, it’s the truth!  This is not how it’s supposed to be!  We are not supposed to be in relationships with guys who treat us in such ways that we lose our entire equilibrium of which end is up. It's really not supposed to be this way! Do you see that, even a little? It’s OK if you don’t. Just know we’re going to get you there together.

Here's a hint: Separate date nights are not the way the weekends are supposed to go. People in healthy authentic relationships actually want to be together. They just genuinely like being together, so it happens. They don’t have rigid rules about how or when or where it can happen. It just does.  It’s not supposed to be complicated. Getting together is not complicated when you’re in a real relationship with a real guy who really likes being with you and you really like being with him. Mutual. Together. Easy.  Those are the words you’re looking for.

It feels effortless, easy, not complicated. Not filled with dramatic highs and lows and fighting and making up and more fighting and making up and more drama and more fighting and more anxiety and more drama … do you see a theme here? That’s not how it’s supposed to be even if to you right now that feels like someone cares about you. That’s not what all that means.  I’m going to tell you what it really means. Read this slowly. It means your guy is unhealthy, the relationship’s unhealthy, and there’s no way you can be healthy if you’re with the unhealthy guy in the unhealthy relationship.  Do you see that at all? It’s like simple math. 2+2=4, not 3 or 5 or some other number. You can’t have an unhealthy guy and an unhealthy relationship and have a healthy you.

But if you're in this so deep that you’re not ready to consider the reality of that yet, that’s OK. We’re going to get you there, but it takes time. But please hear me when I tell you that one day you really will look back on this and be so glad you listened to that little voice that’s so soft and hard to hear right now, saying it really is time to let go, you can do this, you can (gulp) be on your own. I know, I used to gulp too. What? ME? Leave HIM? Like right NOW? Before I've given him his 1001 chance to see just how wonderful I am and how much he needs to change and start treating me right because I really am all that?

The part where you really start to believe this comes next. After you open your eyes to the reality of what is going on here. Shifts in seeing always happen in baby steps. Not overnight.  Just hold that thought for a minute and listen to what you're hearing here. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with someone who thinks the world of you just because you’re you. Not because of anything you feel like you have to do.

You see, that’s the whole point.  If you’re in a healthy relationship, you don’t have to do or be anything except be yourself. And do what your real self does. It’s not about pleasing anybody or doing what you know they’d like you to be or do, it’s about a real give and take. The real thing where you share the real you and he shares the real him.

Equally.

Are You Happy?

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Are you happy? If your answer is anything but a resounding yes, you need to reconsider your relationship. A beautiful woman is smiling while looking at her computer.If your relationship is a real relationship, then the answer will be yes.

If you’re single, then there’s good news – you only have yourself to consider when answering this question. It’s not really about whether or not you’re happy being single, but are you happy in general? Of course we all want love in our lives, and someone to share the special moments with, but outside of that, are you happy with your life? If you took the relationship question out of the equation, ask yourself – are you happy?

If you're currently in a relationship, you have to ask yourself if the relationship you’re currently in increases your happiness, decreases your happiness, or is it just neutral? If the answer is either of the last two, then you really need to look at why this is the case, and seriously consider if you want to continue.

After many bad relationships, I finally got to the point that I said to myself (and a few of my close friends) that I just wanted to be in a relationship that didn't make me less happy than I was while single. While this may sound like a sad state of affairs, it was actually the turning point for me that was one of the many factors that finally led me to find my own true love.

Why?

Because it meant that I had already learned to be happy on my own. I finally realized what I needed to be happy wasn’t outside of myself, it was inside. It was in the pursuing of my own interests, discovering my true self, and following my own passions… finding my purpose.

Not a guy. Not something or some event outside of myself. Not my surroundings. It was inside of me, and I finally knew it. After spending so many years trying to find a relationship that would make me happy, I finally knew the truth – that a relationship can never make you happy.

But it can amplify your happiness. To have someone to share your happiness and love with. To give love, and support, and encouragement to one another.

But In order to do that, we have to be filled up ourselves. It’s like a cup – your cup needs to be filled before you can give to another from your cup without feeling like it is being drained. You also don’t want to be the person in the relationship that’s only drawing from (and draining) your partners cup.

In a real relationship there will be times where one of you is drawing off of the others cup, and vice-versa, and that's what makes it a real relationship - that give and take. As long as it's in balance, you'll feel happy, because you'll have someone you can lean on when you need to, and someone you can support when he needs it, and that makes you feel happy. But in order to do this each of you needs to be happy, and your cups full, to begin with.

You deserve to be happy.

We all do.

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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