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You are here: Home / Archives for confident

Having The Confidence To Know Where You Belong … and Where You Don't

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A beautiful woman is smiling, happy because she is full of self-confidence.Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while have heard me talk many times about the importance of inner confidence. About how you can attract exactly what you’re looking for simply by being more confident.

And most of us, myself included, have often wished for much more confidence than we have.

But what does that really look like?

You can try to fake it and just act more confident, even while inside you're secretly terrified (yes, I've tried this method myself, and I know firsthand that it's just not much fun!) While pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone like that can certainly help to build your confidence, and I do recommend trying it if you feel up to it, I also know that it can be too difficult for many of us to attempt.

The good news is that there’s an easier way to being much more naturally confident in yourself that has nothing to do with acting, trying, pretending, or following someone else’s formula for finally getting it right. And the best part is that it will result in a much more authentic kind of confidence because it will be reflecting your true nature.

You see, there’s something that confidence is about more than anything else. It’s about knowing where you belong and where you don’t.

Think about it for a moment.

When you’re heartbroken over the fact that someone didn't call or text you like he said he would, or when you’re with someone for a few months and they start getting emotionally distant, or when you find that he's not wanting any more of a committed relationship with you when you’re ready for more, what’s the first thing you usually do?

You take it personally.

You make it about you and what you’re doing wrong, or why you’re not enough or why there’s somehow something wrong with you. You start thinking about what you can do to change yourself so that he’ll call or text you again, or come to see that you’re someone worth making a commitment to.

And when you don’t get what you’re so longing for from him – this guy that you think you can’t live without – you let it affect you in a way that no one ever deserves to be affected.

Without even realizing it, you do such damage to your self esteem and self confidence by making your worth dependent on what you get from this one person.

What’s wrong with me? You wonder.

Why can’t I ever get this right? You ask yourself and anyone who’s still willing to listen to you.

What does everyone else have that I can’t seem to get?

You compare yourself to everyone else. There’s no end to what you’ll see and do to yourself, what you’ll put yourself through to try to  make your beautiful self fit into a mold or a place that you're never meant to fit into.

Remember the whole square peg in a round hole analogy? That’s the one I’m talking about here.

It’s so obvious when we see it in others, but we never see it when we’re in the midst of such a poor fit ourselves.

And that’s the whole point.

You’re not meant to be with someone if you have to try to be something other than yourself to win their affections.

You’re not meant to be with someone who you have to be quiet around, who you have to walk on eggshells with, who you have to follow any set of rules (self-imposed or otherwise) just to maintain the relationship.

You’re not meant to be with someone where you have to constantly wonder where you stand.

You're not meant to be with someone where you have to create a fake profile for yourself to “spy” on them to see what they’re really up to.

You’re not meant to be with someone who’s not on the same page with you, who doesn't want what you want, who can’t give you what you’re looking for.

This is no way for any of us to live, and especially not you!

Why would we ever choose to live this way? Why would we willingly choose to do this to our beautiful selves?

Oh, we rarely think we’re choosing it. We think it’s just what happened to us, that we’re simply finding out what someone’s really like. And yes, that’s true, but it’s more than that. We’re finding out more about ourselves. And where we belong, and where we don’t.

What would it mean for you and the way you live your life if you listened to that small voice inside you that recognizes when something isn't right with who you’re with instead of believing there’s something wrong with you?

What would it mean for the way you treat yourself if you stopped to consider what you were really getting out of this relationship instead of believing someone else’s programming that this is your role to play?

What would it mean if the words, “You’re too (fill in the blank)” or “You're not (fill in the blank) enough” were taken as the reality check they are instead of the rejection of ourselves we take them to be?

Could it change everything?

Could it mean the difference between feeling like a whole person versus one who never feels like enough?

You see, it’s not just in romantic relationships that this happens; it’s everywhere we find ourselves.

I remember a very similar scenario not too long ago in one of the social groups I used to attend where I never quite felt comfortable sharing what I wanted to say. It was a local Mom's group that I joined because the description of it, and what I had heard from others, sounded like it would be such a perfect fit.

In fact, it sounded like such a good fit that I just kept on trying to make it work, even though inside I felt just a bit awkward and uncomfortable with the group.

It wasn't until a couple of years later, long after I left the group, that I finally understood what that feeling was about. It was not about me not being “good enough” for them, but it was about me and this group simply not being the right fit.

It wasn't that I couldn't meditate long enough or be quiet for as long as they wanted me to meditate and be quiet for, it was that I wasn't looking for the same thing they were. The reality was that I was looking primarily for more social interaction, and this was a group that was more about the spiritual component than the social part.

I tried to fit in over the course of many months, and then had a natural reason to leave when I moved away. It was later when I moved back and reconsidered joining them that I recognized my internal reservations about fitting in there. It was then that I realized what I hadn't understood before.

They weren't wrong and I wasn't wrong; we were just wrong for each other. I felt such a relief when I realized that while they're a great group, they weren't the right group for me. I was then free to move on and find a group that had more of the social component that I was craving.

It was the same as all of those relationships from my single days. I poured my heart and soul into them no matter what was going on with him. It was my story, my belief that I had to keep giving, keep proving my worth, keep showing what I had to offer him that would eventually make him mine.

My story, not his.

My story, not anyone else’s.

Not the groups I chose and then never felt like I belonged. Not the friends I chose because they were the kinds of people I thought I should be more like, but who were never capable of being real friends.

Not the careers I chose because they allowed me to hide from what I really wanted to do, but was too scared to try anything else at the time. Not the stories I kept repeating to myself that only reinforced the same underlying beliefs that tell us so much more about ourselves than we ever see.

It took a long time, but I finally realized that I am enough, just the way I am.

You're enough.

You’re enough. Period.

Don’t give so much of your power away like you do. You know you’re enough. You know you’re not too much of something or not enough of something else. You know the truth.

You might say you don’t, but you do. Deep down, we all do. And that’s why we can only play the part for so long.

There’s a beauty in this you can trust. It’s telling you where you belong, and where you don’t. It’s showing you who’s safe, and who’s not. Who’s available to you, and who’s not. Who’s right for you, and who’s not.

Trust it. Trust yourself.

This is how you know!  Don’t take on someone else’s judgment of you that only says you’re not right for them, not that you’re not right at all. There’s a huge difference there and you understanding that difference is worth everything. Really getting that, truly understanding that difference is what brings true confidence.

It’s time to stop hiding in the dark.

That’s why you’re here. That’s why you’re not willing to settle even though you’re not quite seeing how you don’t have to. That’s why you keep coming back even though you’re not quite ready to let go. That’s why you’re slowly but surely being gentler with yourself; not because you've learned how to love yourself yet, but you’re starting to understand how.

And that’s why I’m here.

To remind you of what I've taken so long to learn myself. Never all at once – seriously, it took you years to get here, you’re not going to change this overnight.

Keep showing up.

Keep asking the questions here to me and the other people who you’re seeing are not so different from you.

You’re OK. More than OK.

And when you're with someone who's right for you, you'll have all the confidence in the world. Naturally.

Know that you’re never alone. I read every comment you write.

Wherever you are, whatever you’re going through, I'd love to hear about it, and so would the rest of this community that we've built here. Share your story, your struggles, your “aha” moments with us here in the comments. That's what we're here for!

Why There's Never, Ever Anything Wrong With You!

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A beautiful woman is in a field with her arms outstretched facing the sunshine realizing that there's nothing wrong with her.
I'm afraid he won't want me if he knew the truth about me.

We say or do something we regret. We long for the chance to have a second chance to do it differently. We feel like we missed out on some amazing opportunity.

And then the worst damage we can ever do to ourselves begins; we beat ourselves up and label ourselves as damaged goods.

Oh we might come across on the surface like everything's OK, but only because we've learned over so many years how to play that part so well.

But inside, it's a different story.

We're mortified that we didn't handle the situation better, that we didn't listen to what we knew we should have done differently.

What's wrong with me? You wonder.

Why can't I ever get this right?

Why can't I be more like her [insert name of friend you secretly wish you were]?Continue Reading

Why You're Not Getting What You Want in a Relationship

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A beautiful woman is sipping coffee while talking with a man over lunch, wondering why she's not getting what she wants in a relationship.There’s a common theme to what so many of us do, something that I found myself doing not so long ago.

We know we’re looking for the whole package, and yet what we put out there, and especially what we tell a guy we’re looking for – is exactly the opposite.

It's in the subtle messages we convey with our body language and the way we dress. It’s in what we say (and don’t say) in our online dating profile when we project the image that we’re looking for a good time rather than a committed relationship, it’s what we say when he asks us what we’re looking for and we tell him we just want to see where it goes.

And, since we're so attracted to him, we find that we'll pretend we're into anything that we think will get him to want us.

It’s that old familiar pattern of believing that we need to be interested in what he’s interested in – or what we believe he wants us to be interested in – in order for him to want to be with us.

No matter how subtle it is, the message is there that it matters more whether he wants to be with us, than whether we’re actually compatible in all the ways that matter, on the same page, and looking for the same thing with each other.

Why do we do this? Why are we so hesitant to come right out and say who we are and what we’re looking for instead of holding on so tight to the story that I need him to choose me more than I need him to be compatible with me? There’s such a difference!

It’s because we think it will make us more attractive to him if he can see that we’re on the same page – as him!

It’s because it’s part of our programming that has us believing we need to be what someone else wants us to be to be loved – instead of being who we actually are.

And most importantly, it’s because we want him to like us, we want that next date, we don’t want to have to keep going through this over and over again. We want it to be him!

But when we do this, we miss the chance to build our confidence in a way that does so much more for us. By embracing who we are and what we’re looking for. By not trying to be something we’re not.

I’ll never forget the conversation I had way back when with a happily married coworker who gave me his honest opinion of why I was still single. As we sat down in the cafeteria one day at my work which just happened to be the training facility of the Fire and Police Academies, surrounded by as many police and fire recruits as any single girl could imagine.

What’s wrong with me? had been my question at lunch that day. Why can’t I find what I’m looking for? I want what you have, I told him, but all I get are these guys who can’t commit, who aren't looking for what I am, who never want what I want no matter who they are.

Do you want my honest answer? He had asked. Of course I did.

You’re saying one thing but doing another, he told me. You say you want a committed relationship and marriage and a family and the whole package, but your actions, and the way you’re presenting yourself tell an entirely different story.

So these men you’re going out with, they’re confused. They don’t know what to make of you. So you’re finding these men who are confused, too. They don’t really know what they want either and they don’t think it really matters to you.

It’s like a type of bait and switch you’re doing. While the ones who know what they want, the ones who want what you say you want, aren't giving you a second look because they’re not going to waste their time with someone who isn't sure of what she wants.

And with his words, the first stirrings of what was amiss began to resonate with me. Why was I so afraid to admit what it was I wanted? Why wasn't I confident in wanting the whole package?

Was it because I didn't really believe I would ever find it? Was it because I doubted my worthiness of the kind of relationship I was looking for? I cringed at the idea of coming out and admitting who I was and that I was really like all those other women who made it look so easy, but seemed so hard to me.

It was time to stop pretending, to stop playing the part for a role I didn't really want, and become the real thing. And in allowing myself to hear what someone else was seeing that I couldn't see for myself, I discovered more of the truth about me.

I wanted the real thing.

I didn't want to play games with someone who I knew in my heart wasn't looking for what I wanted.

I didn't want to settle any more for just more of the same thing, no matter how different he might look from the others.

I wasn't going to compromise any more on what I wanted in exchange for that feeling of being wanted.

What I wanted was worth more than what felt good in the short term.

So when you say I want the full package, I’m not willing to settle for anything less than I know I want, just make sure you really know what that is. Know it in such a way that you’re not going to sacrifice that dream of yours just because someone comes along who makes you feel those sparks and makes your heart beat a little faster but who makes it clear that he doesn't want what you want.

It’s only when you hold on tighter to your dreams than your desire to be loved by someone who seems to promise so much and yet deliver so little, that you'll see for yourself it’s not an either/or distinction. It’s you being unapologetically true to yourself and what it is you want for your life.

That’s how we change this.

 

How a Lack of Confidence Keeps You Settling

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Lack of Confidence triangular road sign indicating that a lack of confidence keeps you settling.You know those women we all know who seem to have no problem attracting any number of men and who make this dating thing seem so effortless?

They’re the ones we’re usually comparing ourselves to, wondering what it is they have that we don’t and how we can get what they've got.

You know it’s something, you just don't know what it is. You can’t quite put a finger on it.

The first thing we go to is their looks – yes, they’re attractive, but not always in any knockout/supermodel kind of way.

Is it the way they’re dressed? The way they carry themselves? Is it their smile?

As much as we try to pin it on one particular thing or another, the answer eludes us because it’s not just about any one particular trait or characteristic. It goes much deeper than that.

It's all of those little things that can be summed up in one word:

Confidence

It’s the one thing that underlies everything else. It doesn't matter how attractive you are, how sexy you are, how amazing you are in any number of ways, if you don’t have this part down nothing else matters.  Nothing.Continue Reading

It's Time to Take a Stand

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A beautiful woman in a black skirt and black blouse stands against a white background with her arms crossed, knowing that it's time for her to take a stand for what she believes in.The type of women we are, the loving, giving, caring, understanding, women we are, we'll do almost anything for love.

We'll do almost anything for our dreams. For the chance to make those dreams come true when we find someone that we think might be the one.

We give and we give and we give and we give.

And then we give some more.

We long for nothing more than to be loved the same way we love.

To be held the same way we hold.

To be made a priority the same way we make him a priority.

We get so caught up in this crazy quest for love that we forget to do the most important thing of all:

To stand.

To stand in the beautiful light of who we are.

We shrink so well.

We apologize all too well.

We minimize ourselves so effortlessly.

We comply so easily.

We accommodate like it's our natural state of being.

But we've forgotten how to stand.

We've been taught this since our first days on earth. We're rewarded with love and gifts for being good, for being nice, for being respectful, for being everything a good little girl should be.

When we finally venture out into the great big world beyond, it's only reinforced for us all over again.

Put everyone else first, before you, and you'll get along just fine. We do this just too well.

It's so ingrained in us; it's become a part of who we are.

Sitting, waiting, making ourselves smaller so that someone else's light can shine first. Apologizing for things that we never need to apologize for, downplaying our attributes so that we don't offend anyone with our pride. We've been down this road too far and too long.

It's time to remember what it means to stand.

To stand up for what we want.

To stand up for what we believe in.

To stand up for ourselves when things aren't the way we want them.

To stand up to someone we don't want to lose, but still say what's in our heart and on our mind.

To stand instead of running away when we're confronted.

To stand instead of backing down when we know what we need to do.

To stand and be silent when there's nothing more to say.

You see, something happens when we stand like this. When we stand in our own strength, in our own space, in our own steadiness. Something changes inside us. Something changes around us. Something changes about us.

We feel stronger for standing.

We feel more confident, more sure of ourselves, more able to speak our own truth calmly and confidently from a place of our truth instead of someone else's. We can focus better on ourselves, instead of everyone else.

It's the way we're meant to be. To stand like this.

Not standing over anyone, not standing under anyone, but standing as equals in the light of who we are and what we bring to the table.

It's your turn now. It's time to feel that power and strength that you own. It's time to show the world all that you are and all that you have to offer. You know this, even if you've forgotten it somewhere along the way.

It's time to take that stand!

What do you stand for? Share it with us in the comments. It's time.

What's Underneath

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A beautiful woman is wondering why she's still single and she realizes that it's what's underneath, what's inside that counts.“If I know what love is, it’s because of you."

These are the words that are written on a simple but beautiful magnet on my refrigerator. When I first saw it, it brought home a truth that reached through to the core of me. It still does.

You see, back in my single days, regardless of what I appeared to have going for me on the surface, or how many people couldn't understand why someone like me was still single, the truth is that it’s never about what’s on the outside of us; it’s always about what’s on the inside.

Sure, externally I may have had what people thought was all you needed to not still be single – I had the look, the clothes, the job, the car, etc. Outwardly I seemed happy and outgoing.

But the reality was that inside was an entirely different story. I didn't even realize it until much later, but the truth, my truth, was that I really believed deep down inside that there was something wrong with me.

I believed that I was missing something that everyone else seemed to have, and somehow I didn't deserve to have the love that I so wanted.

It didn't matter how confident I came across on the outside, it didn't matter how together my life appeared to be. The reality of what I truly felt about myself and what I really believed was revealed by the type of men I was attracting and the type of men I found myself attracted to.

I could hide the truth from everyone around me, but I couldn't hide it where it mattered most.

And it’s the same for you.

It doesn't matter what you have or don’t have on the outside or what it seems like to anyone else. It’s all about you – the real you, underneath the external facade.

You may not even realize the details of your belief system. But that belief system is exactly what determines so much of who you are and what you do.

It quietly shows up in so many areas of your life, usually without you even noticing.

It determines what you see and how you see it, and it will bring you exactly what you believe to be true. It shows up in who you attract into your life and who you’re drawn towards.

But it doesn't have to.

When you see it, when you have that aha moment of clarity, it will seem so obvious.

But until then it’s anything but obvious.

You're probably thinking that you're doing everything right, but it's still not working.

I know because that's exactly what I used to think.

I can list out every single relationship I was in where the only way I knew to get through was to keep doing more of the same, to keep doing everything I thought I was doing that was so different but ended up being the same thing underneath every single time. I just couldn't see it at the time.

This is about your dream. It’s about your happiness. It’s about your life.

This isn't how life is meant to be lived, especially not your life.

This isn't what love is meant to feel like. This isn't how you’re meant to feel.

Soon there will come a time when you look at the men you've been (or still are) in relationships with, and you'll realize the truth of these words for you. But it won't happen until you try something different.

It’s your time. It’s your turn.

I'm here to help you, but I can’t do it without you.

Let's get there together.

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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