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The Problem with "Broken"

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Woman looking into a broken mirror representing her low self-esteem.
It does more damage than all our other programming combined.

There's a single word for what we've been told about ourselves that does more damage than all our other programming combined.

Amongst all the stories we've been told about who we are, where we've come from, and why we can never trust ourselves more than we can trust someone else who always knows better than we do, it's the story that tells us we're broken, that we've always been broken and we need someone or something outside of us to save us from ourselves.

Sound familiar?

The problem is that when we've accepted this as our own story for so long, we stop questioning it. And even worse, we forget we even have the right to. And we don't even see that there is a problem.

See, when you've been told you're broken, when you've been told you have to go to some being outside yourself to ask for forgiveness for the simple act of being human, you're going to have a hard time believing you're not.Continue Reading

Remember When They Used to Ask You This?

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A woman holding a dandelion in her hand blowing it away making a wish, signifying letting go.
It’s time for a new question.

When you were a little girl, they used to ask you, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

You had so many answers back then.

But no one asks you anymore.

When they stopped asking, you stopped asking. You stopped dreaming. You stopped planning. You stopped hoping. You started looking back instead of forward. You started believing another voice.

Not the one of hope, but the one of the opposite of hope.

Hopelessness.

They convinced you you’d lived your best life already.

That you’re too late.Continue Reading

When "Find Your Passion" Makes You Cringe

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Beautiful brunette woman thinking, tired, wondering if she's the one with commitment issues.
If it feels like too much pressure, you're in good company.

You’ve heard the advice about finding your passion, finding that big creative outlet.

You cringe as you think about how much you hate even the idea of painting, drawing, acting, dancing, writing.

All it feels like is pressure, and more pressure, and trying to measure up or compete with people who’ve been doing this for years, while you’re once again, coming in late.

Too late.

Don’t do this to yourself.

Instead, focus on the everyday little things that bring you joy, that give you a chance to do something just for you. Those things that make you feel good about yourself, that give you confidence in you, that give you that feeling of accomplishment.

Not for anyone else, but for you.

I've been there. I've done that. I've tried all those big things and came to the same conclusion most of you have intuitively come to even if no one ever confirmed it for you.Continue Reading

Ready to Let Go and Move On? Ask Yourself This First

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A woman is looking up at question marks above her head.
You need your answers. You need to find out why.

There's something you need to know.

If you're not ready to move on from someone, if all you want is to be with him, regardless of how he's treating you right now, because you believe in him and who he is underneath the outside veneer, because you love this man no matter how dysfunctional a love it is, then nothing you do to try to move on or get over him is going to work.

Nothing.

You'd only be fighting yourself in the process.

It's so important for you to understand this because telling yourself it's not working, that you can't move on, that what people are telling you to do, like going no contact or seeking therapy, won't work anyway because you tried that before, only becomes true if what you're currently doing is actually working for you.

I've been there.

Continue Reading

I slept with my boss and now it's awkward

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Relationship problems concept - close up of man in shirt dressing up and adjusting tie on neck over woman in bed background.
Afterward he just brushed me aside, got changed, and handed me my things.

Our letter today comes from Claire, who's in a situation with her boss that she needs some advice on. Here it is, along with my response. Even if you've never been in this situation, read on because there's some underlying themes of power and control I think you'll relate to.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane,

I am a 21-year-old female who like many other women have nowadays got involved with their boss. I have only been in the business for 7 months and I worry I could lose my job over this.

But anyway, when I started working with him I was only 20, it started off as any natural friendly relationship would, although with the casual flirtatious joke or dirty remark at times, but I thought this was part of his personality at times.

Fast forward a few months and we started messaging on Instagram and from there it turned very flirtatious although he had stated he didn't want a relationship and I had said the same thing.Continue Reading

Why Waiting Never Works the Way It's Supposed To

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A beautiful woman sits on a park bench wondering why she loves him.
Waiting around for something to happen won't get you where you want to be.

You sit on the sidelines waiting for something that never happens.

You spend all your energy searching for something that never comes.

And while you spend all your time waiting, hoping, comparing (and then waiting some more), there's a life that's being lost in the process. A life begging to be lived, pleading to be explored.

Not when you find him. Not when you're no longer on your own. Not when you're brave enough or ready enough in whatever way would speak readiness to you.

There's so many roads to the same place.

So many ways to catch a glimpse of some him, to find your path crosses the same path as someone you were meant to cross paths with too. But of all the roads you may choose, I know of no other road that delivers you there quite like the road of actual living.Continue Reading

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