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Is It Time to Give Up?

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A beautiful blond woman is watching the hourglass wondering if she should continue waiting for a commitment or if it's time to give up.Dear Jane,

I started seeing a guy a little over a year ago, we have both been divorced about two years, I was married for 18 years and he was for 17 years, we both have one child, that are about a year apart in age, we live in different cities, about 45 minutes apart.

When we first started dating after about two months, he broke it off because he said (famous words of all men) he wasn't ready for what he thought I wanted, a serious relationship. After about a month ( i knew he would be back) he started calling me again, so we started dating again, we never talked about the "serious relationship" thing.

We have such a wonderful time together, although that time is very limited due to our schedules with our kids, maybe once a week sometimes once every two weeks. I know he enjoys being with me and when we do see one another, we do usually end up spending the night together and no we don't always have sex, but our sex life is awesome!

We never go a day without talking, texting, he text me good morning, every morning. Our children have never met, he has met one of my friends and I have met one of his. He tells me how happy I make him and how wonderful I am, but still no commitment. I tell him sometimes (in a joking matter of course) that he keeps me hidden in the closet. I really do have feelings for him and I do think he does for me.

However sometimes I do feel he could see me more if he wanted too and I have told him before that I feel I put more effort into seeing him then he does me. His response was that he would try. We have gone on a weekend getaway together, which he surprised me with.

I am ready for the commitment, I am ready to meet his child and have him meet mine. My plan is to just ask him to think about where he wants our relationship to go, stay as it is or move forward, if he's not ready to commit after a year, will he ever be?

After he ended it in the beginning I ask him if it was me that he didn't want a relationship with, he said that it had nothing to do with me, he just needed to figure things out! But it's been over a year and we have yet to talk about it, I think it's time, what do you think?

Help please, and just incase, we are both in our early 40's, we both have professional, stressful jobs. I'm not saying I want to get married but I am ready for me then what he is currently giving me.

My Response:

Dear Rita,

He knows what you want from him, even if you don't have that conversation or talk; he knows. He knows from all the subtle things you say, from all the hints you drop, from what you've said before. So whether or not you talk to him officially about all of this, and try to get a timeline from him on when he will be ready, he already knows and what you've got from him right now is what he's comfortable with giving you. I don't think he knows when he'll be ready for what you're looking for from him - and, no, you're not asking for too much! Since it sounds like he's just happy with the way things are and not very motivated to do anything different outside of his current comfort zone.

So what this comes down to is you, Rita, and the fact that you are ready for more than he's currently giving you. The absolute best thing to do when you have a scenario like this is to keep living your own life and filling it with everything else that means something to you so that what he does or doesn't do becomes less of your focus. But I know that's so much easier said than done when you're waiting for him to be on the same page as you and you can't understand why he isn't there already when things are that good between you!

Decide what you can live with. And what you can't live with. If you need to put everything on the table, then have that talk with him. But know that it may push him away; and if it does, know that at least you know where he really stands. You're always better to know the honest truth of whether someone is on the same page as you then to go along assuming he is or is going to get there.

If he's not on your page, that doesn't mean you have to do anything or you can't be together, it just means you're choosing to accept a relationship with someone who isn't there so you have to adjust your expectations on what you can realistically expect from him. If he's content with the way things are, know that you're not going to change him, no matter how amazing you are - and I know you are! You just have to decide what your terms are and what he is worth to you - what having him in your life is worth to you. We can't make someone be on our page, but we can choose what to do with our own lives if he's not.

Most of all, Rita, listen to your own gut instincts here. You know him and the situation better than anyone else. If someone in the exact situation as you were asking you what to do, listen to what you would say to her to help you decide what to do. And know that you're so not alone. It doesn't matter how old both of you are or what your situation is, this scenario happens far too often to the best of us, and when it's time to do something different, trust yourself to make the best decision for that beautiful women known as you! Living without regrets is one of the best gifts you can give yourself, so know that as long as you can live with your decisions and choices and make the ones that give you the most peace and happiness - that is all that really matters.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any additional ideas, advice or words of encouragement for our dear friend Rita? Share them with us in the comments!

Be Strong

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Face your own fears.A beautiful brunette woman in a blue blouse and black skirt is punching her fist in the air, showing that she is strong and confident and is ready for commitment.

Sometimes, even when we find the love of our lives, the guy who we’ve been looking for, the man who meets our clear definition of Mr. Right, something comes up that we weren’t expecting. Something called fear. Also known as insecurity in disguise. We’re terrified. It turns out that in the past we’ve chosen the kinds of guys that aren’t about commitment because it was safe. It never was going to work out so we never had to face our own fears about being in a committed relationship. Maybe we were choosing these guys and then staying with them because we’re a little afraid of committing, too. Maybe we felt safer being with someone who wouldn’t commit to us because it meant we didn’t have to face our own fears about commitment.

I remember someone once suggested that to me, and at first, I doubted it. He’s the one who’s scared, right? Not me. But then I gave it more thought. And realized that deep down, I might be scared, too. And maybe, as much as I thought I was ready to be in a real committed relationship, as much as I talked about it, dreamed about it, well, maybe it was more the fantasy of it than the reality that I was interested in. Even though I didn’t know it or understand it at the time. And when I did finally meet my true love, I realized just how many fears I had about giving so much of myself to someone. When there was no turning back. When it came time to say “I do”. When I realized I was in it for the long haul. That it wasn’t just another relationship like all the others. I was terrified.Continue Reading

Will He Ever Want a Committed Relationship? 3 Signs He Might

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A beautiful woman is being hugged
Here's how you know.

Of all the questions I'm asked, the one subject that gets more attention than anything else is whether or not a man will ever come around and commit.

Will he ever want a committed relationship?

There is just so much fear around this subject.

We're afraid that as soon as we leave, as soon as we decide to let go and move on, he will come around and want that committed relationship, and we will miss the kind of relationship with him we'd been waiting and holding on for so long for.

I remember having this exact feeling; I was just so sure that if I gave up waiting, if I let go of holding on and hanging around waiting for him to finally see the light, it would be at that exact time that he would be ready and I would miss out on everything I'd been waiting for!

First of all, let's set the record straight. If he were to come around and suddenly be ready to commit to you (and that's a huge if) and you had just left him, he would chase you. There's no way a man in love and ready to have a committed relationship with you is going to let you just walk away if he's made that decision, or is very close to making that decision.

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The Simple Truth About Playing Hard To Get

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A beautiful blond woman in a black sweater sits near a man on a park bench looking away slyly, not only playing hard to get, but being hard to get. We've all heard the advice at one time or another:

Play hard to get and he'll come around and finally make a commitment. 

Back when I was single, I heard it too - a lot.

And while it made sense on one level – if he has to chase you he'll be more likely to want to – on another level, it seemed so fake, dishonest, even manipulative. It just felt like a misrepresentation of the real, authentic person I was working on becoming,  both with myself and everyone else.

But since this advice is still among the most popular advice given in one form or another, I wanted to address it here.

What I've come to realize is that while playing hard to get is the last thing you should do if you are looking for a real, authentic, honest relationship (which we know you are), being hard to get is a whole other thing.

And that's exactly what you do want to be.

Genuinely. Honestly. Authentically. Irresistibly. Hard to get.

Because if you can just see yourself the way you really are, with all that you have to offer someone who is truly deserving of you, there would be no question that you aren't going to drop everything and suddenly become available to just any guy who happens to look good in a tight t-shirt.

Be Hard To Get

You know that you have every right to be picky about the right things, every right to make sure he measures up to your high standards before you even consider making a commitment to him.

You have every right to keep living your own life – keeping your options open – until he gives you a clear rock-solid reason to do otherwise.

You know that you deserve to be called with enough advance notice that shows you're more than just an afterthought when he's got nothing better to do. You continue to make your own plans and keep them even if it means saying "no" to him if he called too late.

You know that if he doesn't call (or text, email, etc.), it's not anything to blame yourself for. It just means it wasn't meant to be right now and he isn't the guy for you at this point in time.

You don't beat yourself up about it, because you know it's his loss.

You know that your happiness doesn't depend on him choosing you. You have already chosen yourself.

You know that your worth doesn't depend on him choosing you. You already know you have worth just because you're you!

You know that you have nothing to prove, nothing to lose, and nothing to live up to. This is simply about getting to know someone better to see if you are compatible, enjoy being with each other, share the same values and are looking for similar things in life.

You know that it takes two people on the same page who want the same thing to make a relationship work, and you would never blame yourself or take more than your share of responsibility for the relationship if it didn't work out the way you wanted it to.

You Are Priceless

Because you, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing less than someone who genuinely wants to get to know you better and treats you like the confident, beautiful, priceless woman that you truly are.

This isn't about making someone love you.

This isn't about being the perfect girlfriend or perfect potential wife, or whatever else you see yourself as being to this man that hasn't given you any reason to commit to him any more than he's committing to you.

This is about two people getting to know each other better on this adventure we call life. That's it.

Don't take it any more seriously than this. Enjoy, have fun, live in the moment, and most of all, remember that this is about you living your life and raising the bar on how you choose to be treated!

You truly are all that...and yes, you are hard to get!

Help! My Biological Clock is Ticking Away!

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A woman who is concerned that her biological clock is ticking away and she hasn't yet found her Mr. Right is holding a biological clock near her belly.Here's a letter from one of our beautiful readers, Mady, who is concerned that her biological clock is ticking away and she hasn't yet found her Mr. Right. 

Dear Jane,

First of all, thank you for writing such encouraging thoughts on your very positive website. You’re helping a lot of people, something I strive to do as well – sooner than later, I hope. Thank you, really 🙂

I’ve been reading almost all your posts. There’s one topic I haven’t found though, and which is keeping me thinking and contemplating since at least a year now: What about those beautiful women who are still on their own, in their thirties, and who would very much like to have children?

There’s been some very important and loving men in my life. Yet, these last few years, with all the reading, building on my confidence and convincing myself that real, lasting love will one day cross my path, I feel that one of my biggest dreams would be to have children. Of course, I’m almost 32, my clock is ticking, and even if I meet someone special next year, getting pregnant can still take years of “trying”. So I’m thinking about other“solutions”. I reckon this might sound a bit irrational. I just feel the need to reassure myself by knowing that there’s an alternative, which doesn’t require waiting for/depending on the arrival of that special man.Continue Reading

3 Steps to Get the Commitment You Want

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It's time to define for yourself exactly what commitment looks like to you. A beautiful woman is embracing her man in a committed relationship after he has professed his commitment to her in an autumn woodland setting.Not getting the kind of commitment that you want from your guy? Check out this article I wrote for YourTango for a few steps you can take to get to where you want to be…

We all want to feel like our partners are committed to us. In fact, a recent study commissioned by Benenden Health, one-third of the study participants said that they would feel more optimistic about their relationships if their partners showed them more commitment. On top of that, most married participants were significantly happier than their single fellow participants.

So now that science has proven an obvious truth about couples in relationships, what do you do when you aren't getting the level of commitment you want from the guy you're dating? Here are three simple steps you can take to move towards the kind of committed relationship that you really want:

Step One: know what level of commitment you want. Like most things in life, if you're unclear about what you really want out of a relationship then you're going to have a tough time getting it. Life tends to deliver to us exactly what we focus on, so if you're not focused on what you truly want, then it's time to define for yourself exactly what commitment looks like to you. Does it mean dating exclusively? Do you want an engagement ring on your finger or is a verbal profession of love good enough for you? Are you the type of person who feels that it's not a true commitment until you drive off in the limo with the "just married" sign taped on the trunk? These are all questions that you need to answer honestly with yourself. Continue reading on YourTango.com...

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