commitment

10 Assumptions That Will Ruin Your Love Life

I was having a conversation with a friend recently about some of the assumptions I used to make when I was single. With the benefit of hindsight, it's clear that these assumptions were way off base, but at the time they just seemed to make sense.

You know, like the one where you assume that he’s interested in calling you simply because he asked for your number.

Or the one where you assume he’s on the same page as you simply because you've been going out for awhile and you think everything’s going well.

Here I was thinking so many of the assumptions that I made were true for both people in a relationship. That they were just naturally the way both men and women started thinking about the nuances of things as just part of the dating and relationship process – when in reality, they were anything but similar.

Not just gender came into play, but also personality, cultural differences, and many other factors, and I started to see how the lens that we see everything through that reflects the stories of our lives comes into play here once again.

You think it must be what he’s thinking, too. You believe it’s the next logical step for him, too. You can’t imagine how it could be any different for him.

But the reality is, he’s not you.

I started realizing just how much of a problem this is for so many of us, when we look at how someone else behaves and we make our own judgment that has everything to do with us and our own filters, and nothing to do with him.

If it was just an observation on our part, that would be one thing, but the problem goes so much deeper than that. It’s because we make these judgments into the truth about our relationships, and then we start living that way, without even realizing how one-sided this reality that we've created for ourselves – the only reality we see - has become.

And when you live this way, when you make someone your world and close off all your other options simply because he’s telling you all the things you want to hear, you’re not seeing this for the reality of how long you've been together or how well you really know him.

Like when you start playing house with him before you have the committed relationship you’re looking for from him, simply because his lease is up or because you’d like someone to snuggle with at night. You’re missing the most important part - the commitment.

You’re making yet another assumption here based on your criteria, your view, your own filtered lens.

Here are 10 big assumptions that so many of us make that totally mess up our love lives:

You assume you're his girlfriend just because you've been hanging out together.
You assume he's interested in a relationship just because he’s flirting with you.
You assume he hears wedding bells the same way you do because he’s asking you out.
You assume he wants a relationship with you because he wants to have sex with you, even if he calls it "making love”.
You assume he wants to marry you because he’s OK with living together.
You assume you're exclusive (hint: You're not, unless you both verbally agree you are!)
You assume that his telling you he “doesn't want to lose you” means he can give you what you’re looking for.
You assume that having his baby means he’ll stay with you and become the man the father your child needs him to be.
You assume he'll come back to you just because you decide to play hard to get.
You assume he wants you to “rescue him” just because he tells you the sad story of how he’s never known love, or been cheated on, or had a rough childhood, etc., etc., etc.

The first step in changing these assumptions (that are really your belief systems operating that keep you from finding love) is simply to recognize them.

Hear yourself saying them in the unspoken thoughts you think when you find yourself in any of these situations.

Question the reality of what is, versus the fantasy of what you want it to be.

Is it real? Or is it just you wanting it to be real and reading more into it than what’s really there?

You don’t want the fairytale. You don’t want the lie.

You want the reality, you want the truth.

Even if it hurts, even if it’s not what you imagined. Free yourself by being willing to see the reality of what you do know, of what you feel, of what you see, of what his actions say even if his words don’t, before you go any further in a script that is just that; a fantasy and not the love and the life that you so deserve.

What assumptions have you held? You’re not alone! Let’s help each other recognize the ones we've been living by sharing them here in the comments!

The Real Reason He Won't Commit

59 Comments

We make this so much more complicated than it needs to be.

We look for every possible reason why someone won’t commit to us. Why he just doesn't want a committed relationship.

We search high and low within his background, his history to figure this out.

Why won’t he commit? What is it about commitment that makes him so afraid of it?

Why can’t he see the potential that you see so clearly?

And in this search that takes on a life of its own until it becomes our very lives, you linger the longest in the places where you come in.

What is wrong with me? you wonder. And you pick yourself apart.

What do I need to do to get him back to where he was? And you try anything and everything.

What about this is loving?

I ask you.

What about this is love? Nothing.

Unless it’s a distorted version that you've come to believe is love. But it’s not.

And yet you continue to do this to yourself time and time again.

It’s time to free yourself.

With the knowledge that there’s only one reason he’s not making a commitment to you; it’s because he doesn't want to.

He doesn't want to be saved. He doesn't want to be rescued. He doesn't want to be changed. He doesn't want you to make him your project – or your responsibility.

He wants to be free to be who he is.

And right now, this is who he is. And he’s quite happy being this way.

This reality check is what frees you - but only if you allow it to. Because the reality is, it’s not about you. He’s going to do what he’s going to do.

But what you do have everything to say about is where you go from here. It’s not about you, so let yourself be freed. Freed from trying to make it about you. Freed from believing you can do something to bring him around, to change his mind, to help him see the light.

You’re free to be you with your own valid needs and desires. And he’s free to be who he is. It’s not personal; it never is, no matter how much you want to make it be.

When you tell him you’re done and all he says is “OK” ... this is your reality check.

He’s not there.

When you ask him why and he says he doesn't know … this is your reality check. The reason never matters.

When you try every trick in the book to try to turn this around and it doesn't work … this is your reality check. He doesn't want to be turned around.

This is where he’s at, this is what he’s comfortable with, and now it's your move.

No more trying to squeeze water from stones, my beautiful friend. Leave it right there where it wants to be - doing exactly what it wants to be doing - and go live your own beautiful life.

Just watch what shows up when you stop trying to change what doesn't want to be changed!

I Love Him But He's Telling Me He Won't Ever Commit

18 Comments

Here's a letter from one of our lovely readers who's in love with a guy who seems to be suffering from commitment-phobia. Read her story, along with my response:

Hi Jane,

I stumbled across your site in search of answers for a non-committal guy. I couldn't find a situation close enough to mine so here it goes...

I fell in love with this guy. It took him 2 years to get a hold of me. We lasted for 3 months before he told me some unsettling news..."We wouldn't work out in the future."

Now it took me a couple of weeks to unravel the meaning behind this. He told me he couldn't commit and probably wouldn't commit. He had given me a promise ring a month into the relationship so him calling things off was surprising.

I saw it coming a few weeks before because he became distant. I did what I thought was right, gave him space, acted like nothing was wrong until the day of our breakup I couldn't take it anymore. I told him I knew something was up and that's when he told me the news.

Nothing was wrong in our relationship really. We never fought. We had great chemistry. I loved his family. The only problem was commitment.

Now he's not the average guy on the block. He's smart and respects me, my body, my thoughts. He was a bit of a player before I met him and that's why it took me so long to get into the relationship.

He still likes me and messes with me but won't commit. I believe it's linked to his father, who is a good man, because his father never married and "plays" around. His father is also a noncommittal guy. I saw potential and the day of our breakup he told me his intentions were not to break up with me that day but he didn't want me to be strung along when he realized we couldn't have a future.

I love him very much and are still friends. He acts like we're still together at times even. I want to have a future with him but I just don't know what to do. I can't change him. I can't make him commit.

I will move on but...I'd like to try again in the future. What should I do with him right now? We text a little, he acts distant and I know he is texting his other ex's because he did during the relationship. And another thing...I was his first SERIOUS relationship. Things got deep and he told me he can't handle the emotions and work that goes into it.

I'd still like to be with him since there was so much love left to hang in the wind. Please tell me your thoughts and thank you so much for taking the time to read this!

- Destiny

My Response:

This is exactly how it goes more often than not, Destiny.

When you see the signs that you’re always right about, when you sense it, when you can feel it and you do what you know is best; you give him that space, you go on like nothing has changed, until the reality of what’s really going on with someone like this catches up with the potential that you've clung so tightly to.

It’s only when, as you say, you can’t take living like this anymore, not being true to yourself or to the truth of what you know in your heart, you finally speak up.

And that’s when you find out you can always trust your instincts, you always know when something more is going on. It wasn't news to either of you, but bringing it up freed you both to express yourselves, to tell the truth of what page you were both on and so now you know exactly what you’re dealing with and you can decide where you want to go from here with this, with him.

You are so right for recognizing that you can’t change him, you can’t make him commit.

Just coming to that on your own is huge, Destiny, as so many of us get stuck in that part and only come to this after we've done so much damage to ourselves. The reality, though, is that while you’d like to try again in the future, he has to want to, too.

And so when he tells you that he “can’t handle the emotions and work that goes into it”, when he says “we wouldn't work out in the future”, and when he breaks it down even further for you by explaining that he “couldn't commit” and “probably wouldn't commit”, you have to ask yourself why you want to be with someone who is making such a point of making sure that you know exactly where he stands and what he isn't going to be doing with you.

Committing.

Whatever his reasons, whatever his father was or wasn't – and yes, our family histories and dynamics are such a contributing factor to so many issues around commitment. But as romantic an idea it is to rescue him from himself, to be that first serious love that conquers all, you’re not here to save or rescue anyone.

True love is about being with someone who’s on the same page as you, who wants what you want with you and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. This isn't someone who's repeatedly telling you with his words - and his actions - that the page he’s on isn't the one you’re on and clearly shows you this when he's texting both you and his other exes at the same time.

But you have to come to this for yourself.

You have to decide what you can live with and what you can’t when you decide what you want to do right now with him. And if you decide you want to wait, there’s only one thing to do. You live your own life.

You live and you live and you live some more. You go places you've never been, you do things you've always wanted to do, you create that beautiful life that just waiting for you to jump in with both feet. You discover your passions and you follow your dreams.

You find the things that stir your very soul.

You don't nag, you don't try to manipulate or control him, you don't play games. You stay true to yourself. You’re honest and you’re real. You don’t compromise on what you want and what you’re willing to settle for.

You keep your options open and adopt the mindset that YOU are the prize here - because that’s exactly what you are! And in this kind of living, you make your own life so full and happy with the things that bring you joy so that you won't be looking to him to complete you or fill you up.

When you live your life like this, you'll find out that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter as much as you do, and if he's ready to take things to the next step, you'll have given him the best chance to do this on his own.

That's what this is all about; living your own beautiful life in such a way that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't matter; what matters above all else is your own happiness!

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any other thoughts, encouragement, or advice for our beautiful friend Destiny? Share them with us in the comments.

Stop Looking for That Elusive Spark

175 Comments

Image of a spark between the hands of a woman and a man, signifying chemistry and spark in a relationship. — What do you do if you're not feeling the spark?

I recently came across a story of a woman who was in a long term relationship (several years) with a man that she described as emotionally available, kind, funny who kept her very satisfied in the bedroom.

They also have an amazing friendship. Sounds perfect, right?

He asked her to marry him.

She said no.

She went on to say that while she loved him very much, she knew it was never going to work out in the long term because she never felt that elusive spark.

She felt like she would be settling.

Honestly, I was stunned. I had to read it again, just to make sure I wasn't missing something.Continue Reading

I Am Guilty

12 Comments

A beautiful woman looks sad because she believes she is guilty in falling for the wrong guy Dear Jane,

First of all lots of love to you for the wonderful work of yours.

Your articles give me so much support.

Today here I am at this stage want to confess something which no one knows. I think you are the only person and your page where I can tell this dark secret of mine. I really need your help regarding this.

Here goes my story!!!

I entered med school as a very innocent girl, full of ambition and dreams. Met a guy from my batch. He approached me first. Did all things what a guy do to catch any girl's attention. That was the first time I fell for someone so hard.

He was my first love of course. But the reality was harsh. He was never committed for me. I found out he used to sex chat with other girls as well. I was so much in love with him that I didn't want to lose him at any cost.

LOVE CONQUERS ALL.Continue Reading

Unemotional With Commitment Issues

13 Comments

Dear Jane.

I've been with bf two yrs now. He is 34 and I'm 42. I have a 17 yr son.

He lives a 40 min drive away. Due to work commitments we often see each other Wednesday eve for a few hours and Fri to Sunday. I always drive up there and back.

My son goes with the flow but has no relationship as such with my bf. Due to the small size of my house my son has kind of taken over the living room as his room is very small.

Anyhow I am very concerned and scared as to where our relship is going.

He is a very calm quiet and emotionally closed person but has a great sense of humor and we laugh non stop.

The thing is though..he NEVER EVER initiates any conversation that involves us as a couple that reflects his hopes or plans or feelings for us. He never really says anything to do with feelings with regards to us, his family, friends, sadness, compassion, empathy etc etc.

The only time it seems anything like that is present, is when I bring it up or I'm upset and he calculates that it needs some kind words. The responses are verbally caring but physically there is rarely any obvious emotion from a sad situation to a happy one.

When I on occasion, out of sheer desperation, have brought up issues that need at least an understanding, affirming, caring or a from the heart response, there is...nothing...nothing but a sullen, vague, blank or frustrated look..no words..no hug..no hand. There is a heck of a lot of silence though and if I do manage to coax out some words they are...I don't know, haven't thought about it, I take each day at a time, why do you have to upset this lovely day we had with this. ...etc etc.

He says he loves me and I'm his best friend and he does look after me when I'm with him. We joke about and make up funny games do crazy stuff together but....get serious on him and it's like I've just asked him something outrageous.

He never shouts, is never mean, is very loyal, but basically doesn't get out of his zone for no one unless maybe the house is on fire.

I'm often hinting at how hard it's becoming for me to continually drive up there..the petrol..the wear and tear on the car..the goodbyes when I leave..

He says shall I pay towards petrol? Seriously? ! Does he not see it..

He has nothing in his town except his job..no links whatsoever. Where I live is where I work, where all my friends live and my aging parents and my sons college AND his parents and brother and grandad and aunts and uncles are in the same area as mine..like a mile down the road! It's totally impractical for us to move. He's aware of this..

He's not overly affectionate either. I've often bear hugged him and his arms would stay right where they are..by his side. He hates french kissing. I'm not joking. He's not into displays of public affection and I'm talking hugs and hand holding. .not unless he's had a pint or two.

He's become better at hugging me but I think I've also accepted his ways to some extent.

He still says he loves me... I love him to bits and have never been with such a kind loyal and patient person.

Have you any thoughts Jane?

I'm just so desperate for him to at least mention something about us having a future but I'm feeling so much like the weekend hobby. ...:'(.

Please help me....xxx

My response:

Dear Caz,

I so hear your pain.

It’s never easy when you see it so clearly from where you are, and when everyone else can see it too, but the one person you so want to see it, doesn't. It doesn't make sense on so many levels – to you.

But the reality is, people do what they do for a reason. Whether they realize it or not. This is working for him. It’s comfortable for him.

Whether he’s aware of it or not – and usually they aren't because they don’t give these things the same kind of thought that we do – it’s what he’s comfortable with. Yes, he’s farther away than he really needs to be, but he’s quite content to stay where he is. He doesn't give you more because what he’s giving you is as much as he’s wanting to give.

There’re so many reasons why, but the only one that matters is that none of this has anything to do with you, Caz.

This is all about him and his choices and his issues. And as much as you've tried talking to him about what you want to see different, about what you need from him, his response confirms how he feels and where he’s at - and how much he’s content with the way things are.

When you've told him how you feel, and you've asked for him to do something different, when you've given him both the subtle hints you have and direct ones he can’t ignore as well, you can know that he knows where you’re coming from.

The next part is up to you.

You've seen by his actions where he stands. You've heard from his words how he feels about all this. The ways he responds to what you say, and the behaviors you get or don’t get from him all reveal the same thing – this is who he is, these are his terms for your relationship, and this is where he’s at.

Believe him. Hear him.

And most of all, accept him and where he’s at. That’s how you find your own peace. See him for who he is and what he has to offer you. Can you live with his terms? Can you live with him the way he is? It comes down to you, Caz, and what he’s worth to you, and what having him in your life on his terms is worth to you versus not having him in your life at all.

You’re not going to change him. You can only change yourself.

If you can live with what he offers and he’s worth it to you, then accept that. But if you can’t, if you want more than he’s offering you, then accept that, too.

And make your decision based on the reality of what is, of what he’s told you and what you see in his actions, and not on the fantasy of what you know it could be like “if only” he could do this or that.

You’re not here to change him, it’s not your role to change anyone or convince them of why they should want to commit to you on a deeper level. It has to come from him. He has to want it, too.

If you’re content to live your own life and fill it with the people and things that make you happy and fill your own cup independent of him, then what he does or doesn't do won’t matter as much and you can adjust your expectations of him. But you have to be honest with yourself on whether you can truly live like that or you’ll only be looking for more from him than what he’s capable of giving you.

And that’s a tough way to live.

There isn't anything wrong with what you want from him, Caz; there isn't anything wrong with where he’s at. But if you’re both on different pages, if you’re both looking for something different, then you need to decide just how compatible you truly are.

Choose you first, Caz, and then choose to do with him and this relationship whatever brings you the greatest amount of peace and calm and leaves you with the least amount of regrets.

Trust yourself to know, trust your heart, your gut instincts. You’re with him, you know him, and you know you. The only person you answer to is yourself.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for our dear friend Caz? Share them with us in the comments.

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10 Assumptions That Will Ruin Your Love Life

The Real Reason He Won't Commit

What about this is loving?

It’s time to free yourself.

He’s not there.

I Love Him But He's Telling Me He Won't Ever Commit

My Response:

Stop Looking for That Elusive Spark

I Am Guilty

Here goes my story!!!

Unemotional With Commitment Issues

My response:

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