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Getting Mixed Signals From a Guy

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A beautiful woman is looking at her phone wondering why she is getting mixed signals from a guy.Our beautiful reader, Kayla, is getting mixed signals from a guy, which has her wondering about his true intentions. Here's her story:

Hi Jane! I have a question. And it's kind of a long story so please bare with me haha.

I'm desperate for some advice. I met this guy about 7 months ago and we seemed to hit it off very well. He was (and still is) a perfect gentleman, and he always treated me great.

I'm 20 years old, and he is 25 years old so there is a few years difference between us.

After about 2-3 months, he came across a new job opportunity that was mostly long distance (but he would be home on the weekends). Things seemed to be OK because he still kept in contact with me and told me "he missed me" and "I wish you were here", etc.

After about a 2 weeks, an even better job opportunity came along and he decided to take it. This however would require him to move away.

Now that being said, he never defined us as being in a relationship. He said we were "friends who liked each other and were 'talking'". But he would tell me on multiple occasions that he cared for me and he would never let me pay for anything when he took me out to dinner or a movie.

When he told me about this job, I'll be honest, I was upset. For the first time I really felt like someone cared for me and now he was going away. So after he took this job decision, he left for the orientation. I didn't hear hardly anything from him for about 2 weeks. (Previously we would talk to each other for hours at a time daily.)

This was very difficult for me to accept because I felt like he hated me. After a while, he finally contacted me back. Long story short, he told me that "we should just be friends". And also, he told me that he could never come back to our church again because, as he quoted: "When I end things with a girl I can't talk to them. I can't be around them, or have any contact with them."

So he said he was going to find a different church to go to. I accepted this with heart break. Now I am a Christian and I battled with this for a while. I would send him a text every now and then telling him I was praying for him with a Bible verse attached (with no expected response).

He would sometimes respond to a text every now and then but with only a little conversation. I didn't text him for about 2 weeks. I had finally accepted the fact that if he wasn't the guy for me, then God would make it to where there would be no more communication from him.

His birthday rolled around and I felt obligated to at least tell him "happy birthday" since he spent $100 on me for my birthday. Surprisingly, he responded to the text with a "thank you!".

I didn't contact him for an entire week.

The next Friday, I was about to clock in at work when I noticed a text on my phone. I quickly looked and saw that it was him. My stomach started doing flips.

He said he was coming by the store to get some things. He came through my line at the register and we made small talk for a minute and then he left. So I thought that was the end of the conversation. About 10 minutes later I looked at my phone and saw where he texted me again. He sent me a smiley face.

So I was a bit confused by this action. What did he mean?

Well I didn't text him until a week later. He kept the conversation going and we talked that Friday and Saturday. Now I would always send him nothing but encouraging texts and tell him that I'm always here for him.

That Saturday he asked me "Why are you so nice to me?" I told him that I would never want to treat someone rudely or bad. He then responded with a sad face, but wouldn't tell me why he was so sad.

To my surprise, the next day, he showed up at church. He told me that he is striving to work on his relationship with God and he wants to study some devotions with me. He actually stated that he needed my help. And ever since then, he calls me every day, or texts me every day. And lately he's been calling me multiple times a day.

He will say things like "I hope I find someone before I go bald because no one will want me then" or how he wants a family some day and a house of his own. And when I went for a job interview, he called me to ask how things went.

He took me out to dinner recently and REFUSED to let me pay, He actually told me multiple times that I was not going to pay.

His dad has told me many times that his family didn't like the girls he previously "dated" and that he really wants me to marry his son.

Now all that being said, why would he be calling me multiple times a day, every day, if he didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore?

Why would he want to take me out to dinner and not let me pay?

Why does he still call me pet names like "Sweetie", and "Hun"?

I know he was in a serious relationship years ago and he had his heart broken really bad, but that was about 8 years ago (when he was in high school). What does this all mean? I'm just really confused.  Thank you in advance for all your help.

Sincerely,

Kayla

My response

I’m not surprised you’re confused, Kayla; this guy is giving you some very mixed signals! It sounds like he’s confused himself and while he likes your company and enjoys being with you, he’s being very clear by his comments like "I hope I find someone before I go bald because no one will want me then" that he is keeping his options open and doesn't want you to assume he wants to be with you.

It doesn't mean a whole lot when he takes you out and doesn't let you pay; that’s more for him and his ego than for you, so try not to read too much into any of these little things. There are enough of his mixed signals around for you to protect your own beautiful heart instead of reading more into these little things than is actually there.

This sounds like someone who likes the way he feels when he’s around you, but it doesn't sound like someone who’s ready to be with you and can give you what you’re looking for right now.

My concern is that you’re holding onto so many of these things that are coloring your interpretation of where he’s at and what he’s thinking, rather than looking at the reality of what he’s telling you and believing him.

If you can simply enjoy what you have with him while keeping your own options open and not giving away your own power by putting him on a pedestal, that’s one thing. But if you can’t honestly do that without wanting more than he does, you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment if he’s not on the same page as you.

My best advice, Kayla, is to resist the need to find out why he’s behaving the way he is and simply take it one day at a time. There are too many mixed signals to believe that he knows what he wants for himself. He needs to sort out his own issues for himself without you rescuing him or loving him enough to help him figure himself out. This is his own work apart from you.

So often we forget this, or we want to jump to the stage where we’re part of a couple taking care of each other, but until you know for sure you’re both on the same page and want the same thing with each other, don’t go there. He’s an adult. He doesn't need you to take care of him while he’s still trying to figure this all out.

You, on the other hand, have your whole life ahead of you! This is not the time to get hung up on what someone else does or doesn't do, but instead, focus on you! Put your time and energy into creating a beautiful life for yourself instead of worrying about what someone else does or doesn't do.

Follow your own dreams, get involved with the things you’re passionate about and find those things that stir your soul. Fill your own cup so full of life and love from so many places that what he – or any other guy – does or doesn't do, doesn't matter as much as what you do. Because if someone is truly right for you – meaning the two of you are on the same page and want the same thing and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen – you’ll never have to wonder; you’ll always know! It's never complicated.

Make a life for yourself just like he’s doing, and you won’t ever be tempted to put someone on a pedestal because you think they have so much more to offer you than you already have. You’re the prize, Kayla; make sure he’s worthy of you!

And always remember, YOU are doing the choosing!

Do you have any more advice or words of encouragement for our dear friend Kayla? Share them with us in the comments!

Love Yourself

10 Comments

Love Yourself. A hand is drawing a heart in red on glass spelling out I love me, representing the idea of love yourself.One of our beautiful readers, Nadia, wrote to me asking how to learn to love yourself more. I realized that this is something that all of us soft-hearted, sensitive, caring souls need to learn to do better. Here's her letter along with my response to share with all of you.

Dearest beautiful Jane,

The last articles were really good, thank you really for that! I really benefit from them!! There is this one thing that I've got on my mind...I wonder how do you love yourself more? 🙂 I feel I'm lacking this self-love and I wonder if you can give me some tips? I would really appreciate it.  Much love!

Nadia

My response:

Dear Nadia,

Thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad to hear these articles are resonating with you, and yet I understand what you are saying here; if the key to being more confident is learning to love yourself - how do you actually do that? Especially if you come from a place like so many of us do, where loving yourself is such a foreign concept, and self-loathing is a more accurate picture of what we're so used to doing!

A post I wrote about this, It's Time to Be Selfish, also speaks to this topic, but here's what I've discovered about the journey to love yourself more.

Surround yourself with love.

It's first and foremost about surrounding yourself with supportive people who love and accept you the way you are and make you feel good about yourself.

At the same time, it's about letting go of those people who have the opposite effect on you and are always overtly trying to change you, make comments that make you feel they don't truly accept you, and in one way or another send the message that you're not OK the way you are, you'd be better off being the way they think you should be, and ultimately give you the feeling that there's something wrong with you even though they don't know anything about what they're talking about! The don't.

Now if these people are members your family, while it's not possible to change our families of origin, we can choose to limit our interactions with them and set clear strong boundaries with them when we do need to be around them to limit the amount of control they're able to have over our lives and the way we feel. The idea here, is that by surrounding ourselves with supportive, positive people, it's much easier to be loving to ourselves than if we're always feeling like we need to defend or explain ourselves.

Be passionate.

Get involved in hobbies, passions, activities and projects that you're passionate about and enjoy doing. There's nothing that sends a clearer message to ourselves that we're special and worthy and have so much to offer than doing things that give us proof of that. From the small things like being kind to people when we talk to them, to causes we support or volunteer for where we can genuinely make a difference in the world, it's doing these types of things that give us a whole person to love in ourselves - and reminds us of even more reasons why we're special and can make a difference in a way that's unique to us!

Remember it's OK to say no.

Only say yes to those things you really mean to say yes to, and remember it's OK to say no to the things you really don't want to do! So often we get so caught up in that pleasing mentality where we feel guilty if we say no, and we feel like we always have to say yes if we want people to like us, that we miss out on a wonderful opportunity to show our beautiful selves just how much we're worth and how loving we can be to ourselves.

We becomes so much less authentic when we give up being true to ourselves in exchange for giving people what we think they want from us, and in the process, we send ourselves the very unloving message that we don't have the right to stand up for ourselves and let our yes's simply be yes's, and our no's simply be no's, without long, apologetic defensive explanations.

Responses like this only make us feel worse about ourselves and make us sound like we don't truly believe we have the right to make our own decisions that are best for us! This one can be especially difficult to do if you received the message that saying no was selfish and being agreeable made you a good little girl. But it's also one of the most important things you can do to honor and respect that beautiful woman you truly are!

Keep growing.

Stretch yourself to do things that are out of your comfort zone. Ask yourself what you believe isn't your strong point or your personality strength. Go back in time to think of those things that others told you that you couldn't do or thought you'd never be able to do. Whether the messages you received were subtle or not so subtle, chances are you got the clear message that there were some things you were better at than others, and some things you shouldn't even attempt to try.

The reality is, that those messages you received were based on other people's perception of you, and even though they may have had the best of intentions, such as not wanting you to fail, the end result is always the same. You end up with far too many should's and shouldn'ts that hold you back, give you a feeling of incompetence, and leave you much more likely to loathe yourself for all the things you can't do, rather than love yourself for all the things you can do!

Show yourself that you really can do whatever you put your mind to - this isn't about proving anything to anyone else, but yourself! And know that if there is something you fail at, it's never a failure but a learning experience that puts you more in touch with yourself as you learn even more about who you really are and what you're all about!

Pamper yourself.

Give yourself a fresh makeover. Not that you need to change yourself in any kind of a drastic way, but sometimes just treating yourself to a new updated hairstyle, some new makeup, a new wardrobe, a fresh manicure or pedicure or whatever else is within your budget and fits your lifestyle can do wonders for how you feel about yourself. Don't do any of this for anyone else but yourself, and make sure it reflects who you are and not some hairstylist's or makeover artist's latest craze, but just some small steps to make you feel your best can do wonders for your self-esteem and your ability to see your beautiful, loveable self in a fresh new light.

Becoming your healthiest self by joining a fun exercise class, finding someone to run or bike with, taking up yoga or dance classes, and finding your own path to healthy living by learning to cook healthy meals for yourself are all ways that you send yourself the message that you're worth taking care of in healthy ways!

Remind yourself of how loveable you are.

Finally, daily affirmations can make such a difference if you start each and every day with your favorite inspirational sayings that you post as a reminder on your bathroom mirror or fridge reminding you of all that you are, all that you have to offer someone truly deserving of you, and all that is beautiful and loveable about yourself! Find those sayings that inspire you and write them out so that they become that much more real in your own handwriting, etching them in your mind.

Most of all, Nadia, remember that there is no one like you, no one who can do what you were created to do, and there is no one you ever need to prove your worthiness to of all that is wonderful and beautiful and loving in the world. You deserve nothing less than all that love and life have to offer you, my beautiful friend, and the irony is that it's only when we eventually come to believe this that we finally find that's exactly what we end up with!

Much love to you!

Love,

Jane

What about you? Do you have any additional ideas on how we can all give ourselves the gift of loving ourselves? Share them with us in the comments.

Why You Need to Stop Trying So Hard

13 Comments

Every thing you do or say isn’t being recorded, judged, analyzed to determine just how worthy you are to receive the grand prize of true love. A beautiful woman writes the word relax on a transparent board in marker while teaching.This is NOT how it's supposed to feel.

It’s not supposed to be this hard. Really, it’s not. All the things you’re doing to increase your chances of finding him - The One, Mr. Right. All the over thinking. The second-guessing. The desperate calls to your best girlfriends, maybe even your mother. Should I or shouldn’t I? Do I or don’t I? It sounds all too familiar, doesn’t it?

Well, you’re not alone. But all this planning, thinking, prepping, and basically trying so hard isn’t the way it’s done. Every little thing you do or say isn’t being recorded and judged and analyzed to determine just how worthy you are to receive the grand prize of true love.

It just doesn’t work that way

There is no contest, no prize, no competition where the one who tries the hardest wins. This is real life, and real love.

And it’s not about you trying so hard that you don’t even know who you are anymore because you’re out there being whoever and whatever you think you’re supposed to be in order to land that man.Continue Reading

It's Time to Stop Waiting and Start Living

6 Comments

It begins with getting in touch with who you are and all that you have to offer. A beautiful woman is riding a bike in a field living life to the fullest.We can feel so lost sometimes. We wonder when love will find us, how it will happen, and what it will look like, and we forget just how much in control of our lives and our search for love we really are. Yes, fate or the Universe or God, or whatever you believe in, may all play a role and ultimately step in and help guide our path and the path of our true love when we are both ready to find each other, but there is so much more to our story.

There is a part that we are so very much in control of that we can do everything about. It begins with a decision that you can do something right here, right now, beginning with today. You can begin to live a whole new life with the beautiful, wonderful, loving person that is the real you. You can decide right now that you are going to begin anew, right where you are, and see where this new path may lead.

It begins with getting in touch with who you are and all that you have to offer. It always means more when you put it down in writing, so write a love letter to yourself. Tell yourself everything you love about yourself, everything that makes you beautiful and wonderful and special and unique. Describe in detail those things that you do and those qualities you possess that give you that spring in your step and make you feel alive when you do them. Remind yourself of all of your accomplishments, big or small. This exercise is about reminding you of who you are and all the beautiful attributes you possess that make you uniquely you. It's to remind you that you deserve to be loved!

The next step is to make a list. Write out everything you have ever wanted to do but didn't think you could or didn't have time, or were told you couldn't do for whatever reason - all the way back to your earliest childhood memories. Try a new sport, take a dance class, learn to play the cello,whatever it may be. Even if you’re not sure if you could really do it, include it anyway. This isn't about limiting yourself; it’s about exploring everything you've ever even thought about doing. Even if it seems silly! Then go out there and try one or two.

One of the things I've found that always seems to put my own life in perspective is to give back to others who are in so many ways less fortunate. So I would encourage you to consider volunteering for something you're passionate about. How would you change the world if you could do anything? If money was no object and if there were no limits on what you could accomplish? How could you make a difference? Most importantly, what are you passionate about? Begin there by answering those questions and see where that takes you.

Wherever you feel you could you make that difference in the world, start in your local community.  Take the time to explore this, to ask yourself these questions and find out what you really care about and where you would really enjoy making a difference in the lives of others. There are so many possibilities to explore!

Sometimes, we just have to get creative and look outside of the box to find our own answers. You are never too old to begin again, to live your life at the beginning, like the little girl inside you that so many of us forget is always there waiting for her turn to show you all that she’s capable of, if only she's given half a chance. When we connect with that part of ourselves that knows all this, that just needs a reminder; we find a real kind of living. The kind where the possibilities seem endless and don’t hinge on us being in the right place at the right time, waiting for life to reward us.

Instead, we find a rich journey full of so much life and love because we go after it, we go exploring that part of ourselves that knows all of this. There is no secret to this seeking of love and a life worth living that makes everything else in the world rise up to meet us. It’s right there, right in front of you beginning today right where you are, wherever that may be.

Don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. People defy the odds and statistics all the time. This is about you stepping out and finding out that it is at the intersection of your fullest life and your greatest outpouring of love, there waiting for you is exactly the one your heart and soul have been looking for all this time.

And you, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing less than this!

3 Steps to Bring Passion into Your Life

8 Comments

A beautiful woman is smiling because she has passion in her life.
When you have passion, you're eyes will be smiling.

A while back I wrote a post about loving your life by always finding time to do what you love. In this post we’re going to go into that a little deeper, because it’s such an important topic.

Bringing love into your life starts with you – and it starts with loving your life.

And what makes you love your life? Passion.

The kind of passion we’re talking about here is the kind that makes you feel excited, alive, and enthusiastic. The kind that puts a skip in your step, and gives you smiling eyes.

The kind that makes you want to get out of bed early to spend time doing it, and makes you late for work because you lost track of time. The kind that gives you a zest for life.Continue Reading

How Doing ONE Thing Differently Can Bring LOVE Into Your Life

6 Comments

A beautiful smiling woman is loving her life.
If you can just do this one thing, you can't help but attract love into your life.

I’ve learned many things since my single days.  Some are things that I regret doing and wish that I had done differently, and some are things that I regret not doing in the first place. 

It’s this second group that leaves your body aching with the painful regret of missed opportunities, of what could have been.

If I could go back and do one thing differently, it would be that I would have chosen consciously to always do what I love doing.  You see, when you love what you are doing, you are loving life.Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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