Dating

The posts in the dating category relate to the early stages of a relationship, before the two of you are exclusive. The dating category includes topics such as where to find men, how do I find Mr. Right?, first dates, should you call him, etc.

Why You Need to Stop Chasing Him

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A woman is chasing a man covering his face with kisses. — You don't really want to chase him, and he doesn't want to be chased.

It never starts out this way. In fact, he may not even turn our head in the beginning.

But somewhere along the way, something changes.

When he starts pulling back, becoming emotionally unavailable, when we start sensing something just feels different, it takes over us - this need to do something, anything, but sit there and watch him slip away from us.

He promised us so much. We didn't expect to fall like this.

It didn't start out like this. But somewhere along the way, it happened. He kept trying to get our attention. He kept seeking us out until we decided to look over in his direction and notice him, too. After all, it must be the real thing if he keeps chasing after us like this, we think.Continue Reading

Why the Simple Answer to 'Why Hasn’t He Called?' Is Never, Ever Enough

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At one point or another in our dating lives, we've all asked ourselves the all too common question, Why hasn't he called?

And we've all heard the simple (and mostly true) answer:

If he’s interested, he’ll call. If he doesn't, he’s not. End of story.

Hundreds of books have been written around this answer, not to mention the numerous articles and videos all saying the same thing. You’ll always know by that call. And you’ll always know by the lack of one.

But it's not really the end of the story. At least not for you.

The truth is that there’s so much more to it. You want to know the whole story. You want to know why he didn't call you (or at least text you) when he said he was going to and gave you every reason to believe he would.

You want to know why he didn't call when he asked for your number and told you he’d call you to set something up. How could he have come on so strong and then nothing, you wonder? Could he have changed his mind about you just that fast? Was it something you said, or did, or didn't do?

It doesn't make sense when you look at it from where you stand, when you know that if you were him and asked for your number in the first place, you’d follow up with a call or a text or some means of communication to follow through.

You can’t even imagine ever leaving someone hanging like this.

The reality is, it’s not just about why he didn't call. And it’s also not just about you not understanding and wanting some explanation from him so that you can move on and get on with your life.

It’s about the thoughts that underlie that line of questioning.

What’s wrong with me? is the most common, and also the most damaging. Was I too (fill in the blank)? Was I not (fill in the blank) enough? And then we start with the all too familiar beating ourselves up pattern that begins as soon as the reality hits us that he’s not going to call, that it's happened again, and you find yourself questioning whether you’re ever going to find someone to love you for who you are, to appreciate all those qualities that you’re beginning to question in yourself.

You resign yourself to yet another rejection where you allowed yourself to get your hopes up that he just might be the one, after so many disappointments time and time again.

It’s why that simple answer is just never enough.

It’s why there’s got to be something here to salvage, why there’s got to be more to the story than just that he hasn't called or texted you. Because it’s about so much more than just that.

It’s about you.

There’s only one way to change this. There’s only one way to detach yourself from whether or not he calls or doesn't call, whether or not he texts or doesn't text. To realize that none of this is personal. To realize instead that if someone isn't on the same page as you, if they’re not looking for the same thing as you are in relationship, if they’re not looking for you, you really truly honestly don’t want them to be calling or texting you.

I know you want a chance to decide this for yourself. I know you want to be the one who makes this decision for yourself. I know you want to come to this on your own once you've had a chance to explore the potential of this person you've just met and couldn't possibly know well enough to make a decision about in such a short time with so little information.

I know it all because I remember thinking exactly along these same lines too. It’s always different when it’s you. You’re always the exception to the rule when you’re the one this is about. But there’s something beautiful in here in this for you.

There’s a reason.

It’s a reason that has nothing to do with what you can possibly know right now. It’s a reason that really does have your back. It’s because you can’t fake who you are or what you’re about and honestly, you never want to. If you could look far ahead into your life, you would see that this moment that seems to matter so much to you, with this text or call holding so much weight for you, isn't what it appears to be.

It’s the Universe having your back. It’s God or Fate - or whatever you want to call it – looking out for you and knowing what’s best for you even though you can’t see it for yourself from where you stand in this moment. It doesn't change the reality that this is exactly why these things happen.

And why they don’t.

You don’t need any more wasted time and energy on someone who’s not right for you. You don’t need to go through anymore heartbreak of falling for someone who isn't going to be there for the long run that you want someone to be there for.

It’s not good or bad. It just is. It’s what’s right for the both of you. It’s two people not on the same page who for whatever reason that has nothing to do with how worthy you are or how lovable you are or how beautiful or amazing you are. You’re all that already. This isn't about any of that.

And this is why it doesn't matter what you want to do when he doesn't call or text. It’s why it doesn't matter if you need to call him or text him just to find out why. You already have the simple answer that everyone and their brother can tell you; but it’s the answer that satisfies you that you really want.

It’s what will bring you your sense of peace and calm that matters. It’s what allows you to release both him and the outcome you were hoping for. It's what allows you to be truly free.

Whatever you need to do to bring you to that, whether you need to pursue him to feel that rejection -that never is - that takes you to the same place you started out from with your self-esteem and self-confidence feeling the effects, that’s what this is about. Some of us need to learn these things in our own way and our own time before we can move on to see what we couldn't see before.

Don’t let anyone judge you. Do what you need to do for you.

Have you been here? Does this resonate with you more than you'd like to admit? You're not alone! Share as little or as much as you'd like in the comments and see for yourself how true this is. I always love hearing from you.

One Word for the Top of Your "Perfect Boyfriend" List

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There are so many things we think matter. There are so many qualities we all have on our perfect boyfriend list.

Typically, they include words like tall, or well-built, or funny, or ambitious, or fun, or confident, or dark haired, or light haired, or stylish, or wealthy, or, well, you get the picture.

We all have our lists, and they're all different, but they're also all very similar. They all have words that describe the ideal traits that we think we want in a partner.

But the reality is, none of these matter as much as one single word that conveys so much about what really matters, but is so often left off of our lists.

Kind

It’s what it means to be kind.

Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines the word kind as:

kind, adjective : having or showing a gentle nature and a desire to help others : wanting and liking to do good things and to bring happiness to others

and includes as synonyms the words benevolent, compassionate, affectionate, loving, good-hearted, kindhearted, kindly, softhearted, sympathetic, tender, tenderhearted, warmhearted, attentive and considerate.

Read through those words again. These are the ones I want you to come to know so well so that there’s no mistaking the qualities you’re looking for in someone who’s right for you, who’s worthy of you, who’s deserving of you and all that you have to offer.

You see, my perfect boyfriend list used to look a lot like yours. I had everything on there that I thought were must-haves for anyone that I could possibly be attracted to, let alone spend the rest of my life with.

And while I slowly figured out through lots of trial and error exactly what I did and didn't want, and what the deal breakers were and which qualities really mattered and which ones I could be much more flexible about, nothing compares to what I've learned since then.

It's what I've learned during the rest of the story.

The part that comes after you’re married and have children and real-life jobs and stresses and in-laws and mortgages and all of the other everyday realities that are part of a shared life. That's when you learn what really matters.

That’s when the word kind becomes so much more than just another word on your checklist.

And it’s why, if I had to do this all over again, it’s the one word that would matter about the person I would choose more than anything else.

Kind. Compassionate. Caring. Understanding. Forgiving. Loving. Gentle.

Back when I was dating, before I had a clue just how important these qualities would become, I had so many other concerns about what mattered. That elusive spark used to be at the very top of my list right above “tall, dark and handsome”. It mattered so much to me back then, I can only imagine how many potential men I passed over simply because I never knew just how important this single quality really was.

It’s become the one very most important quality of all.

If it isn't already at the very top of your list, then it needs to be.

So take that list of yours, that long one that you keep updating but leaving the same things at the top that aren't getting you anywhere closer to the real kind of love you deserve, and put this at the top.

Trust me on this one: Most of those things you think are so important right now won’t matter in the long run. In fact, most of them don’t really matter now. You just think they do.

If you take away all your programming (we all have it), take away all the cultural conditioning and the classic fairy tales that we all base so many of our dreams on, what you’re left with is really very simple.

Is he kind?

Because how he treats you - how he is with you - says volumes about the type of person he is. Yes, you need to be attracted to him. Yes, you want to share common interests and beliefs and philosophies. But at the end of the day, what really matters is about something far deeper than anything skin deep.

Whatever you do, don’t miss that part when you're writing your perfect boyfriend list.

You Can’t Be the Only One

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A beautiful woman sits looking at her phone wondering if he's going to call or text her back. You can’t be the only one who dreams a dream for two.

You can’t be the only one doing all the work, waiting for his calls, taking care of him, putting his needs first like you do.

You can’t be the only one lending all the support, always there for him, giving your heart and soul.

It can't be this one-sided.

It has to come from him, too.

This isn't how it’s meant to be, it’s not how it’s meant to feel. This aloneness; this feeling of being more alone with someone than how you’d feel on your own.

You can’t keep giving like you do, keep sacrificing like you do, keep focusing on him and what he’s thinking and what he needs, while accepting so little in return like you do.

Are you seeing this?

One-sided relationships never, ever work because they simply can’t. You can’t be the only one in a relationship meant for two. There has to be two people, on the same page, who want the same thing – with each other – to make this work. There is no other way.

It goes against everything we know to be true, deep down in our hearts, to believe anything different. We want to look beyond what everyone else can see. We want to excuse away everything we know to be true. He’s stressed, he’s going through a lot right now, he’s been hurt before, he’s had a rough childhood, he’s going through a lot right now.

Yes, and yes and yes. But what about you?

You see, we do these one-sided relationships so well that we don’t even recognize when they’re happening to us – again. They've become our pattern, our MO, our habitual response when we’re in a relationship with someone that we can’t tell them apart from the real thing.

They give us that familiar sense of butterflies in our stomachs which we view as a positive thing instead of the reality that it’s really anxiety from not knowing where we stand. It keeps us on our toes, performing all that much more, trying to show and do and be everything we think we’re supposed to do to bring about the happy ending we so want it to be.

But it’s not our role to make this happen. We can’t do it on our own.

If he’s not meeting you there, if he’s not right there with you participating as much as you are, it’s happening again.

When you put yourself out there, do you get anything back?

After that great conversation that you initiated, does he ever follow up? Does he call you or text you back?

Or is it just more space, more silence, more of a reminder that you’re the only one?

It’s that space that tells you how far apart you really are.

It’s that silence that speaks volumes.

See it. Listen for it. It’s how you know.

Old Habits Are Hard to Break

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I may have figured out quite a bit when it comes to men, but I sometimes find that some of the same old habits that I had with dating crop up in my current life as well.

I've learned that the first step in changing habits that are just so hard to break is to recognize them. To become aware of it, to notice it casually, without giving it so much attention that allows it grows in power. To acknowledge it and let it pass without allowing it to get the best of you.

Now that I've been happily married for quite a while, and have my family with all of the chaos that comes with it, I find myself wondering if I've traded my old habit of trying to be the perfect girlfriend for trying to be the perfect wife and mother instead.

I find that I still feel like I'm supposed to defer to everyone else, to be unselfish and put others firsts, to pretend to not know something more than “they” know so that I won’t offend them.

But, just as I went through back in my dating years, I’m learning to recognize these feelings and question them. To ask myself the same questions I ask you to ask yourself when looking at the dating traps that you tend to fall into.

Is it really your own truth, your own belief? Or is it someone else’s opinion that became your truth? Is it your programming, your conditioning, your upbringing that's making you feel the way you feel? And more importantly, does it match the “you” you’re becoming? The you that’s learning how to tell the difference.

These are all the same questions I ask myself, just at a different stage in life and love. The growing doesn't stop.

I still tend to gravitate towards a certain type of person who I suddenly think is going to be my new best friend, just like I used to be drawn to a certain type of man who I was sure would be the one. But I often find that these women are actually masking their own insecurities behind this outer facade of “I don’t care what anyone else thinks about me”.

I won’t see the mask at first; I’ll think it’s the real thing and that she's truly confident and has it all together - just like I want to be. I'll think she’s the perfect friend for me because of how she makes me feel. Just being around her will give me a sense of permission that I still find myself gravitating towards.

Until I start to get to know her better and see how little we actually have in common beyond this feeling of "Wow, she's so great". And then, once again, I see the truth that it really does take time to get to know someone well enough to be sure you want them in your life, to be sure that they're truly compatible with you.

The reality that in the end it simply takes time to find out if people are really what you think, or if it's just a mask. It’s the slow, steady relationships that develop naturally over time that prove to be the ones that are truly the one for me time and time again.

Not unlike the same lessons I discovered with love in a distant time and place that’s never seems as far away as the actual measurement of time.

It’s why we can all use this reminder no matter how much we think we know. It’s why I still refer often to the truths contained in the program I designed for you. The program is about dating and attracting love into your life, but I find that the core principles apply to so much of life besides romantic love.

And I find that I still need these reminders myself, too.

Blind spots. Triggers. MO's. Our Stuff. Whatever you choose to call them.

Don’t fight them. Accept them. They’re a part of you and sometimes nearly impossible to change.

So start by simply recognizing them. Acknowledge them, but don’t allow them to play a starring role in your story. They no longer need to.

Don’t beat yourself up about them. We’re not here to punish ourselves for being as human as we are. We’re here to love every part of ourselves as we are. Yes, there’s always room for improvement, but if all we ever do is concentrate on what’s wrong with us, we miss the whole point of this life.

To love, to be loved, and most of all, to love ourselves. It's what a life worth living is all about.

What about you? What are you fighting about yourself that it’s time to love about yourself instead? Share it with us in the comments!

Falling In Love Too Fast

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When we meet that guy that makes our heart flutter, the one that gives us those butterflies, the one that we can just feel that spark every time we talk to him - it makes us completely stop even noticing any other men.

All we want to do is put everything we've got into making him ours.

But in reality, the only way this is going to work is if he’s not the only one we’re putting our time and energy into.

Here’s why:

If he’s the only one we’re focusing on, he becomes the focus of our love life. He becomes the one every other guy we might consider has to measure up to. He becomes the one we pin all our hopes and dreams on.Continue Reading

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Why You Need to Stop Chasing Him

Why the Simple Answer to 'Why Hasn’t He Called?' Is Never, Ever Enough

It’s about the thoughts that underlie that line of questioning.

It’s why that simple answer is just never enough.

There’s a reason.

One Word for the Top of Your "Perfect Boyfriend" List

Kind

You Can’t Be the Only One

Old Habits Are Hard to Break

Falling In Love Too Fast

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