Morgan's confused as to why her guy of almost 2 years won't commit to her and make her his girlfriend.
Now she's wondering if it's time to let go and move on, or if she should wait it out.
Sound familiar?
Here's what she wrote to me:
Hi Jane,
I've been dating this guy for almost 2 years. We have little disagreements here and there but for the most part, everything is great.
I'm confused as to why he won't make me his girlfriend.
We started talking right after his broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years. At that time, I wasnt looking for anything serious and wasnt sure where this was going so I was fine with keeping things casual.
Now I want more.
We've talked about it and he keeps saying he isn't ready. But for all intents and purposes we operate as a couple.
I have space in his closet and drawers for my things. I sleep over at his house several nights a week. I've met his friends and family and he mine. I know all of his personal information such as in bank accounts, social security number etc. We've gone on trips out the country.
We talk about a future together such as kids, relocating etc. But he is still saying he isn't ready.
He says he loves me and doesn't want to stop seeing me but he understands if I need to walk away. After almost 2 years I dont know what this means.
Does he want to date other women? Am I wasting my time trying to wait until he is ready? Or should I just give him the time he needs?
- Morgan
My Response:
Oh Morgan, I can tell you exactly what it means.
It means he's not ready and doesn't know when he will be. And what that really means is he can't tell you anything more about what that means, and he's leaving it up to you to decide what - if anything - you want to do about it.
Of course he doesn't want you to do anything different than being with him, but he's also not able to do anything different to make sure you continue to be with him.
Of course you're confused. It's because he's the one who's confused!
In my experience with men like this - and there've been many both personally and professionally coaching women just like you - I've found that the very best thing to do in these situations is to focus on you.
Take a break from any further analyzing of him since he can't give you anything more than these confusing answers. Don't take any of his issues with commitment personally, but instead make a shift to think less about him and what's going on with him and more about you.
Focus on living your own life. Give him the space to be himself.
Keep focusing on you, filling your life with your own friends, your own hobbies, your own passions. Don't nag, don't try to manipulate or control him. Don't play games.
Be yourself.
Keep your options open and adopt the mindset that you are the prize here - because you are! Make your own life so full and happy with the things that bring you joy so that you won't be looking to him to complete you or fill you up.
When you live your life like this, it has the effect on you of being reminded that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter as much as you do, and if he's ready to take things to the next step, you'll have given him the best chance to do this on his own.
That's what this is all about; living your own beautiful life in such a way that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't matter; what matters above all else is your own happiness!
Hope this helps!
Love,
Jane
What do you think Morgan should do in this situation? Tell her in the comments!
My advice to you in this situation, is that as i also am in this situation for 10 yrs i recently decided that enough is enough. it all became a fantasy , all the texts, to say i love you , it doesnt really mean anything, words are cheap and if they cant put it into action then it is a lost cause, i told my boyfriend that i will be moving on at some point, that being when i meet someone else in the meantime i told him we are only friends now, and will probably alays will be, but i cannot go back to what we had ,it is over and gone . it is very hard to end something but ultimately you have to think about yourself and for sanity's sake move on . hope this will help you
Keep your options open. You are available if some other man wants to come sweep you off your feet:)
And stop “playing house”. If you are the casual hookup , then be the casual hookup! Don’t give girlfriend privileges to somebody that’s not your boyfriend:)
I'm in a similar situation. Start reaching out and pursue other interests you have as well as him and if he wants to keep you you will know .... Part of his heart is closed. For whatever reason you may never know. Maybe he's giving you all the love he is capable of giving. Should you marry is this the life partner you want .... What will this type relationship show your kids. Is daddy jumping in and even giving his kids his all? Is that all he has to give ? Is that going to be enough for you as a life partner ? I think not. Do always have some doubt?
From an outsider, this seems like a crazy situation. If you want X and it's not X but instead it's Y, and you've tried to pretend you like Y but it's not the truth, you really only have one choice.
If you were interviewing for a job and then they told you wouldn't be paid, or if you bought shoes but it only came with one, or probably the better analogy is if you bought a dress and it no longer fits, would you continue to try to wear it? Maybe but at some point you'd realize that it doesn't fit you the way it used to, and a different dress would be far more flattering/comfortable/work for you.
The reason Jane is giving you advice to focus on you is because it seems like you need to actually take time to look in the mirror at the dress and see what's best for you (maybe i'm taking that a step too far).
The goal in life is happiness- the feeling of empowerment and contentment and worth. You can FOR SURE feel all of that without him, and can do so being single. That's the prize you deserve. Having him deem you his girlfriend is not the prize. The prize is you getting re-centered and feeling great. You deserve that. It's time to give that to yourself, and not think it's in someone else's hands.
(For the other women wondering what to do in the situation of date or not date, I say clean break! If you've lost sight of yourself so much (and I've been guilty of it in the past when I was waiting for an engagement that never happened and miserable) that you are focused on him it makes sense to take the time you need to treat yourself- you matter. The longer you spend time with someone where you hear subtle messages of not being good enough or worthy enough or anything like that because they haven't "given" you some status, that needs some detoxing. You got this.
I would do exactly what Jan's suggested. Start doing things on your own....focus on yourself. Don't close the door on this guy....he sounds pretty nice. But if you really, really need more commitment then you need to pull back just a little. If he don't want to lose you, he will step it up.
Morgan,
I was in a similar situation with my ex husband, and I even pressured him to get married which we did. It was the worst 13 years of my life. I left him and took my two kids with me. It was a horrible feeling to know I wasted 13 years of my life that I couldn’t get back. And he never cared about me. Sure I had two great kids which is a blessing, but the regret Of knowing he didn’t care or fight for me and our relationship and yet I didn’t move on haunted me. I dated for 6 years before I met my current boyfriend. I knew I was not going to do what I did with my ex. I wanted my next relationship to be equal, for him to fight for me and our relationship as much as I did. I met Chris and from the very beginning I KNEW it was different. He fought for me, my kids and our relationship. Always supports me, and he is wanting to look at rings and get engaged after 16 months. I never have had to ask him where things are going. And that is the point I am trying to make. The right guy won’t let you get away. You will never have to ask where you stand, they make it crystal clear.
Please don’t waste anymore of your precious time with him. Date others, and if he realizes he cannot live without you HE will let you know. If he doesn’t, you have saved yourself YEARS of heartache. Take it from me, and big hugs!!
I'm done,I don't deserve all this plz go away forever.
Move on because you will waste your life waiting for maybe. Maybe he’ll figure it out, maybe he’ll make it right tomorrow etc.
A man chases what he truly wants. Find someone that chases and adores you. Women make it too easy these days.
I'm sorry I can't really give her any help because I'm in a very similar situation. I don't know his personal information but he has told me he likes me because I'm different than most women. I would like more but I'm not going to pressure him. I just don't know what to do and he says to me I have to take care of myself first and do what's right for myself. He had asked me in the beginning to please be patient and that's the most I've gotten out of him. He told me to take care of
I’m have no input on this situation. However, I do have some follow up questions. Should she continue to date him and maintain the current situation while enjoying her life? I hear this same advice all the time all over the internet, go learn to be happy with yourself, does this mean stop dating him or continue and waste more time?
Donna, it means you can only answer those questions when you're focused on you, not him. When you do this, there's a shift in your energy that affects you, him, the relationship - everything - that you won't know until you do it!
Morgan I feel everything your going through it seams like I'm doing the same as you. I think this advise is wonderful and I'm glad I read it. This is what I'm going to do is exactly what your supposed to fill your own life with happiness and live life to the fullest he will want you more or he won't. That's not a problem cause your happy all by yourself then when you least axpect it you will have the person you want. Thanks for the advise.
You said: "Keep your options open and adopt the mindset that you are the prize here - because you are!"
Does this mean Morgan should try seeing other guys while waiting for her BF to be ready to take the next step?
But that would mean things will be practically over for them when she starts seeing other people?
I don't understand.
It's a mindset, Nooza. It means you have the mindset that you're keeping your options open, that you're open to seeing who and what shows up - including clear answers! - when you detach like this and put the focus back on you and living your life instead of keeping yourself hung up on what to do about a guy who's telling you he doesn't know what to do about you so is leaving it up to you! Instead of doing his work for him, you're leaving him to figure his own self out and focusing on what you can control - you and living your own life without worrying about him. Mindset creates the shift!