Beautiful Christina is having trouble moving on long after an emotional breakup from a very intense relationship, and she needs our help.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I'm a long time follower of your work, and you've helped me so much with several break ups and honouring my self worth. Thank you for that.
I have a question about moving on, which I'm having a difficult time doing and I don't know why.
It's been almost 3 years since me and my ex broke up. It was a whirlwind romance...starting as a summer fling.
He was an overseas traveller on a temporary visa when we met, and we fell in love hard and fast. It was unexpected, and it felt like the universe brought us together.
We dated for 5 months before his visa ran out and had to leave the country. It was so painful for us to be ripped apart, not by choice, as we desperately wanted to be together.
We tried a long-distance relationship for another 4 months, and I visited him overseas. We wanted to make it work, but my anxiety was at an all time high and I couldn't deal with the physical distance in such a new relationship, and I couldn't move due to study.
When I broke up with him it took him by surprise and he was shocked and heartbroken (as was I).
He didn't speak to me for 7 months, and then he messaged me out of the blue saying he's been constantly thinking of me after all that time. We kept talking for another few months, and I wanted to try things again (even though we weren't in the same country) of which again became too difficult with such uncertainty and distance.
We haven't had any contact for 6 months.
I don't feel like I've been able to really move on since that time. I don't have interest in dating or other guys, and all I can think about is him and what could have been.
I'm afraid I'm going to stay stuck in this limbo forever wanting someone who I can't have, and not being able to move on. I feel like 3 years after a relatively short but intense relationship is long enough to heal.
Do you have any advice for me and anyone who is having trouble moving on after some time since a relationship ended?
Much appreciated.
-Christina
My Response:
Dear Christina,
Thanks for your kind words. I'm so honored to have been a part of your self-worth work and to have helped you through those breakups. Knowing your worth apart from any guy is the foundation for everything that works well in your life and it's the most important work you'll ever do!
Now about this guy you've been trying to move on from.
Girl, everything I'm reading here is saying so clearly to stop forcing yourself to move on!
Stop.
Don't keep getting down on yourself like you are. That's the first part.
It's your fear of being stuck in this limbo forever that's precisely what's keeping you here and you need to stop fighting yourself if you're going to change it!
I know it's contrary to everything you've heard and everyone you've heard it from, but trust me on this one. The reason you can't move on is because you're trying to make yourself move on.
Don't do that anymore.
Allow yourself to stay here. To think of him. To think of what might have been.
Have that contact with him. Have a conversation with him. See if he's willing to piece things together with you.
I give a lot of advice about how to move on using methods like blocking someone, making lists of all the reasons why it didn't work, limiting your time to think about someone to a certain time of the day, but your story is different. You're not finished yet. There's still too many unanswered questions for you to be ready for any of these moving on strategies. I'm just not seeing anything in what you've written here about your relationship that says you have all the information you need to leave him behind and move on. And that's precisely why you can't!
Get those answered first, either by answering for yourself the questions you still need to get closure on, or by seeing if he's willing and open to fill in the rest of those missing answers.
From what you've written here, your relationship ended because of timing, distance and space, related to country immigration policies completely beyond your control, not because of the usual reasons that one or both of you wasn't ready for a more committed relationship.
No wonder you can't get over this guy, Christina. He never gave you a reason to have to!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
How about you, Gorgeous? Do you have something you want to say to Christina? Say it here. Or maybe you're someone who HAS been given a reason to get over someone. What was the deal breaker? Share it in the comments!
Hello Jane...I have been dating this guy almost 3years now but our love is long distance relationship we usually meet once every year.we have been having health relationship until this year he I have noticed different behavior from him he doesn't call me the way he used sometimes when I tell him to meet he tells me he has some stuffs to do he will look for me when his done. One day I called his friend and asked what the guy is thinking about me the guy told me his friend is planning to come and see my parents then I give myself some hopes that all shall go well,after 3days I called my boyfriend to talk to him he told me the same thing his friend told me that his coming to see my parents I had hopes to that all shall be well since that day I talked to him he doesn't call to am the only person calling or sms to check on him so am confused if am in a right relationship or wasting my life I feel leaving the relationship please advise me.
This is the line that did it for me - "He tells me he has some stuffs to do he will look for me when he's done". The tone of that sounds like an imbalance of power to me, Carol. How would he treat you if he actually cared about you?
Thanks so much for answering my question Jane! I really appreciate the time you took at answer it, and thank you to anyone who has provided a comment. I do need to stop trying to hurry the process of healing and moving on, which isn't seeming to not do me any good anyway. I have been allowing myself to feel this loss, which is immensely painful, and I keep imagining what could have been. I had a complete break from dating for 18 months as I didn't want to distract myself when I needed to grieve this loss. I think I feel a pressure to move on, maybe from society or friends, as a woman in my mid 30's. I have dated a little but I'm constantly comparing things to that connection I had, and its really hard to be interested. Maybe there are unfinished emotions. I've found that keeping the communication channels open to be a little too painful as there's still so many barriers. I'll keep riding the wave of emotions and hopefully it will ease soon 🙂 Thanks everyone
You're so welcome, Christina. That pressure is real, but you don't have to go along with it. And to be clear, nothing will ever compare to the connection with someone who can only offer you an incredible beginning. You got everything he had!
I agree with everything that Jane has said, never force to move on if you are not ready to.. I like that. I also think you should keep contact with him, have an honest conversation with him about your feelings and your hopes regarding where the relationship is concerned. Allow yourself to miss him and think about him, cry if you must, all of this is allowed, you are only human after all.
I really do wish you all the best and hope things work out for you.
I agree with what Jane’s response is. Sounds like there’s no closure because other than distance there’s still chemistry and two people who think about one another and possibly still want to be together. I would say keep the communication open and see where it takes you. Distance and time isn’t forever. Where there’s a will there’s a way. I still have unanswered questions because the person I’m in love with keeps everything up in the air and I’m always having to guess and wonder. I probably will never get closure. Your situation is very different. I wish you well and I hope you both end up together. Much love!