Have you ever felt tired of not being a priority in his life? If so, you're not alone. Gorgeous Monica writes to me this week about her boyfriend who prioritizes much of his life higher than her.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane,
I have been with my guy for 8 years on and off hot and cold. His main priorities have always been
#1 his daughter
#2 his job
I was always number 3
I feel so rejected by accepting that also very controlled.
There has been so much uncertainty, lack of trust, and silence on his behalf throughout our whole relationship. His method of control is the silent treatment and hiding behind excuses.
It hurts and makes me feel insecure, not of value and makes me want to stray off.
How do I break the cycle of I am unhappy?
-Monica
My Response:
It's been 8 years of these behaviors from him, Monica.
8 years of being with someone who controls you and what you say to him and how you behave with him by giving you the silent treatment and hiding behind his many excuses.
8 years of you not being able to trust him or feel confident he's going to do what he says he's going to do. 8 years of feeling hurt and insecure and rejected because of how he treats you.
There's only one way to begin to break this cycle of unhappiness, Maria. It's by finding your voice with him. In my coaching sessions with women experiencing similar relationships and asking the same question, they've proven over and over again that there's a reason why they hesitate to find their voice.
They know what will happen.
They know where this goes. Once they find their voice and start calling him out on his behaviors, holding him accountable and asking for the only things they can live with, it's over.
A man who is okay with, as you put it, so much uncertainty, lack of trust and silence throughout your whole relationship isn't interested in hearing what you have to say about anything, much less anything about what you want to see different with him and your relationship.
The fact that he controls what you say and how you behave with him by using the voice-suppressing silent treatment confirms for you that the only thing he wants from you is your silence when anything's wrong or when you might be tempted to talk it through.
He definitely doesn't want that!
I come from a long line of silent-treatment relationship.
My grandmother gave my grandfather the silent treatment. Both my mom and dad gave each other the silent treatment. My brother-in-law gave my sister the silent treatment. I know this one well.
And not coincidentally, every unhealthy relationship I've ever heard of includes either overt physical abuse, or this very destructive form of emotional and mental abuse that shows up as the silent treatment.
It robs you of your voice, your say, your self-respect, your dignity and your sanity.
There is NOTHING that makes you feel worse about yourself than staying any amount of time - and certainly by 8 years - with someone who continues to control you by using the silent treatment because he can.
I know you're probably scared to speak up and find your voice. That in itself is the greatest red flag for you.
That you could lose him or cause him to become angry with you for talking about how you feel are reasons for you to stop before you go one more day with him to take a good look and why you're still here in this relationship with someone like this.
I'm sure he has his redeeming qualities. I'm sure he has his good sides and his potential, and maybe you even feel a little sorry for him for everything he's been through. But Maria, this isn't a relationship based in love. It's a relationship based in control.
As long as he can control you, it works. Once you no longer allow him to control you like this, it stops working.
Yes, there's a one in a million chance that he might be that one guy who isn't like this. Which is why I say the most important thing you can do right now is to find your voice.
Prove me and everyone else wrong.
Find your voice and see what happens when you find it with him and tell him how you feel and stop there.
Let him fix it. Let him come to you. Let him say he wants to work on this and show you with real, live actions, not just words, how he's going to do that. Let him be the man who fixes this and makes it better. Don't tell him how to do it, just let him show you how he will by his actions.
If he does this, I'll be so happy for you.
If he doesn't, I'll be so happy for you.
Because, girl, you'll finally be free to find someone who will love you, not just control you. You deserve nothing less and if you can't see that, it's because you've already been with him far too long.
My heart goes out to you.
Love,
Jane
P.S. How about you, Beautiful? Can you relate to what Monica is going through? If you have any words of advice or encouragement for her, please share them with us below in the comments. And if you have a similar story, share that with us too - we're all in this together!
I have been dealing with someone like this for over 2 years now. I finally had enough of being afraid he would walk if I found my voice and I told him how hurt and disrespected I felt. He turned it around on to me that I hurt him telling him how I felt. He was angry, but I had peace finally. It's hard not reaching out to him, but every day I get stronger and really start to see him in a brighter light that he was really treating me awful. He was like an addiction and I take it one day at a time.
Men like this always turn it around on you, Rhonda. So glad you're seeing this now for what it is. Yes, it's an addiction with these men!
I was never a priority to my guy either. He always had other women in his life. It did not matter how I looked, or had money. He was a narcissist. The world had to revolve around him. I wasted years hoping he would change and love just me.....it never happened. They don't change. What you see is what you got. He will not change. You are addicted to the ups and downs in this relationship. Been there done that....and still doing that, but getting g stronger.
Ladies, Jane is right. Take it from me, a 79 year old widow, chances are it probably won't get better with your man unless he has a "change of heart"; sees how he has hurt you, and seeks professional help. I was married to someone like this for 46 yrs. I suffered off and on with depressions, after having three children, until the age of 40. Then I decided to go out with friends and "do my own thing", while still working as a nurse (which helped my self esteem).
It wasn't until I met a recent widower, now the "love of my life" at age 72 at the Sr. Center (we had seen each other in church, years before, when both married) that I realized how bad my marriage was, and how a woman should be treated by a man.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through, Ginny, but so happy for where you are now. It takes some distance to see what we couldn't see when all we know is the familiar. Loving this new life for you. Thanks for adding your story! ❤
I am going through the exact thing for the past 6 1/2 yrs .
I try to stop seeing him because he is always disappointing me. I only see him when he wants to see me.
But he won't let me go. He said he doesn't want to.
I don't know why I love him and I allow it to happen over and over again. He doesn't want to talk about what I need from the relationship. I wish I was strong enough to walk away and not look back.
He's never going to let you go, Anne Marie. He's got it too good with you! Stop fighting yourself and lean in until you're actually ready to let go. You're absolutely strong enough already- there's just something there that's making this still work for you!
I have been married 26 years to a narcissist. He used the silent treatment alot. I was never his priority either. Now im still married?.but we live separated. How do i deal with him now?
I have been in a 2 yr hot cold relationship, trust issues and now back to hot cold.
1st year was discovering and setting boundaries and goals.
he proposed in front of our church, boy was I like this was worth it. Sold my home moved in and had a date, COVID.
he started to pull away, talking to other women, Social media which had been an issue we had an agreement lip service...
moved out got an apartment, he stull claims he loves me misses me texts every day, i give in and see him. So many mixed messages, he wants to be with me but not a priority a list b4 he can make it over. I need the help to kove on,
his words I want a long term loving caring trusting relationship no real effort just to me a routine checklist.
on the other side when pushed im not sure 5050 and refuses to reestablish boundries with social media.
words routine this sucks
Start with doing what brings you peace, Dorothy. Ask yourself what you need. I have a feeling it's been awhile since you focused on yourself for a change without feeling guilty. Can you start here without thinking of him and trust in time the more you expand your view of you, the more you'll know what to do with him? My heart goes out to you, sweet soul. ❤
I had an ex that treated me that way. It made me feel so stressed and unloved but silly me. I tolerated it. That was my problem. You won’t get any respect staying in a relationship where you have not laid down any boundaries and or have accepted that he doesn’t care about them ... because you’re not going anywhere. First thing you need to do is leave and stay away from him while you learn why you’re so special and deserve more. Date yourself. Treat yourself the way you believe a man in your life should. Once you learn to be happy alone. Start dating again and don’t settle for anyone and anything who makes you feel less than. Your happiness is all within your hands and if you think it belongs in anyone else’s hands you’re wrong. I had quite the journey going through this myself but boy dominate the world differently now.
Best of luck to you. Go boldly in the direction of your dreams.
Yes!!! Date yourself and treat yourself as you want to be treated. Love yourself first and the right person will come into your life. After a 13 year marriage to a narcissist. I came to the realization things were never going to change. Leaving and starting over has been a challenge and the best decision In my life. The world is full of possibilities; make yourself a top priority!
So happy you came to that, Virginia. Never too late to start fresh right where you are!
Beautifully said, Plenty. ❤